Y'all, the holidays are coming, and I know some of you may already be feeling a familiar knot in your stomach. If you're in the middle of healing your mother wound family gatherings can feel like walking through a minefield. You could be dreaded the comments about your life choices, the guilt trips about not visiting enough, or just the general dysfunction that seems to come alive during the holidays. Or Maybe you're wondering if you should even go at all this year. In this episode, we're talking about how to navigate family gatherings when you're doing mother wound healing work, how to protect your peace set boundaries that might actually work, and maybe even find some joy in the season. Welcome to the Mother-Daughter Relationship. Show the podcast for mothers and daughters who want to build stronger bonds, deepen their understanding and transform their relationships. I'm your host, Brittany Scott, licensed therapist and mother-daughter relationship coach. After years of working with hundreds of daughters. And mothers. I've developed strategies that help break generational patterns, heal wounds, and create the loving relationships you've always wanted. Each week I'll be sharing insights from real clients, expert interviews and practical tools you can use immediately to improve your mother-daughter dynamic. Whether you're struggling with communication breakdowns, navigating major life transitions, or simply wanna take your already good relationship to the next level. The show is for you. And yes, the transformation I guide my clients through can be yours too. I'll share more about how you can work with me. It's time to experience the relationship you both deserve. Are you ready? Let's dive in. I'll start by acknowledging why family gatherings can be so difficult when you're healing from a mother wound. There can be a lot of expectations and pressure. The holidays come with this idea that families should be happy, grateful, and connected. When your family reality doesn't match that picture, it can bring up a lot of disappointment, grief, and sometimes frustration. Holiday gatherings can cause dynamics to resurface. Sometimes something about being back in the family environment can make everyone revert to their childhood rules. Suddenly you're the difficult daughter again, or the sensitive one. Even though you've done years of work to change those patterns, there might not be an escape route. unlike your regular interactions with your mom, where you can control the timing and setting family gatherings often feel trapped. You're stuck there for hours with limited ability to step away when things get uncomfortable. You may feel performance pressure, pressure to keep the peace, not ruin the holidays for everyone else. This can lead to suppressing your authentic feelings and reverting to old people pleasing patterns. Alcohol and stress are not usually a good mix. Many families drink during the holidays and alcohol can make people say things they normally wouldn't. Plus everyone's stressed about money, travel, family drama, which none of that helps anyone's emotional regulation. The first decision you need to make is whether to attend family gatherings at all. It's okay to say no. You're not obligated to attend every family function just because you're related to these people. Your mental health and emotional wellbeing Matter more than keeping up appearances or avoiding family drama. Here's how to decide. Ask yourself, will attending this gathering support or hinder my healing? If being around your family consistently leaves you feeling drained, criticized, or emotionally beaten down, it might be time to take a break. The holidays should leave you feeling high and joyful, not low drained and sad. Consider your current emotional bandwidth if you're in a particularly vulnerable place in your healing journey. This might not be the year to subject yourself to family dysfunction. Think about your support system. Do you have people you can lean on during and after the gathering, or will you be isolated with your feelings afterwards If you'll be left to navigate lasting emotions alone, can you just opt out? If you have a good support system, a therapist or other safe places to process the holidays, maybe there is space for you to go. And lastly, evaluate past patterns. If the last five Thanksgivings ended with you crying in your car or feeling terrible about yourself for days afterwards, that's data worth considering. If you decide not to go, you don't owe anyone a detailed explanation. You can say something like, I won't be able to make it this year, but I hope you'll have a nice time and let that be enough if you have decided to attend. Preparation is key to taking care of yourself. Going in without a plan is like walking into battle without armor. Please don't do that to yourself. It's not worth it. You'll need to set realistic expectations. Your mom isn't going to suddenly become emotionally available just because it's Thanksgiving. Your family dynamics aren't going to magically improve because there's a Christmas tree in the room. Go in expecting the same pattern you always see. Plan your responses ahead of time. Think about the comments or behaviors that typically trigger you and plan how you'll respond. Write them down if you need to. Having a plan reduces the chance. You'll get caught off guard and react emotionally. When I'm in session with a client and we're talking about the holidays or going over their plans, this is actually something we do together and we even practice saying responses out loud so it doesn't feel foreign in the moment. So if you write down something you've never said before, practice it out loud, say it in the mirror, actually find the cadence in what feels right and how you want to say it. So in the moment when you need to use it, it doesn't feel foreign for you. Decide on your boundaries before you get there. What topics are off limits? How will you handle criticism? What will you do if someone crosses the line? How will you take a break? What will that look like? Make these decisions when you're calm and not in the heat of the moment. That way you can actually pull from them and use them. It's important to have an exit strategy. Always have a way to leave if things get too overwhelming or you reach your limit, Drive yourself if possible, or have someone on standby who can pick you up. Also, Uber exists now, so if you need to leave, you can leave. Know that you can leave at any time. You can also leave at a set time and only stay longer if you're enjoying yourself. Like you can arrive and say, I have to go by six and only stay past six if you're actually having a good time. And just say, oh, you lost track of time if someone asks why you're still there. And another one that could help is bring backup support if someone's available. If you have a partner, a friend, your favorite cousin. Sibling who I don't know. Y'all decide to just go together and leave together. Whoever understands your situation, bring them with you If possible, having someone in your corner can make a huge difference, so you're not going in there alone. Boundaries during family gatherings are important to keep you feeling grounded and safe. They aren't about being mean or controlling other people. I'm gonna give you some examples of boundary types that are appropriate for holiday gatherings so you can begin to think of your own. So the things I just told you are ideas and how to manage and like prepare for the gathering. So I wanna tell you the different boundary types that you can think about. So the first type is the topic. Redirect. When someone brings up a topic you don't wanna discuss, have responses ready. Something like. I'd rather not get into that today. Or, how about we talk about blank instead? Or, oh, that's not something I'm discussing right now, but please tell me how your work is going. Or, you know, something along the lines. Redirect the conversation in a different direction. The next one is called the Gray Rock Method. Give boring, minimal responses to provocative comments. If your mom starts criticizing your parenting, respond with, Hmm or, I see. Or, oh, I didn't think of that perspective. Thanks, mom. Instead of defending yourself or engaging in an argument, you don't have to agree. You can just give a very boring response that it's kind of hard to just keep things going. It's easy for you to exit the conversation after that. The physical boundary. Remove yourself from conversations that become toxic. Something like, excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom. Or, oh, I'm gonna go help so and so in the kitchen. Gives you a legitimate reason to walk away and go do something else. The time limit boundary, decide ahead of time how long you'll stay. We can stay for about three hours today, or, hey, it's great to see you guys. We have to go at six today. Gives you a concrete endpoint and prevents the gathering from dragging on indefinitely or feeling like you've overstayed or feeling like you want to leave, but you can't really find the exit. If you give the exit ahead of time, it's easy to stick to it. And the last one, the broken record. The broken record technique. If someone keeps pushing a boundary, repeat the same response. Like I said, I'm not discussing that today. Ah, I see you keep asking the same question. I'm not gonna talk about that, but I would love to tell you about, just keep sounding the same. Don't change how you would phrase it. Don't add frustration into it or change your tone. Just keep sounding like a broken record that's repeating the same thing over and over again. When you are more in control and you feel confident in actually setting these boundaries and going through with them, you'll get through them a lot easier When you go into a gathering and you're already worried about how things are gonna go or how the interaction is going to turn out and you don't prepare at all, you make it harder for you to manage and navigate through them. So plan ahead. Let me give you some script ideas for common holiday situations. When your mom criticizes your life choices, you can say something like. I can see we have a difference of opinion about that. Let's talk about something else. When someone asks you why you don't visit more, you can say, I visit when I'm able to. How's your job going these days when your mom guilt trips you? You can say something like, I understand you'd like to see me more. This is what works for me. Right now. When someone tries to force reconciliation, you can say something like. I appreciate your concern, but this isn't something I'm discussing today. Or when your mom plays the victim, don't take the baits. You can say something like, that sounds really difficult for you, mom, and then change the subject. Changing the subject and asking the person a question about themselves is usually a technique that works. Have questions in mind for others. Don't leave a lot of open space or silence for them to ask you questions. Always end your response. What a question, and try and get them talking about themselves. People love to talk about themselves. Family gatherings can be energetically draining, especially when you're dealing with toxic dynamics. Protect yourself by taking breaks. Step outside for fresh air. Go for a walk. Find a quiet room to decompress. You don't need permission to take care of yourself. And a brief walk with a fun family member is never a bad idea. Stay hydrated and eat regularly. Being hungry and and dehydrated makes everything harder to handle emotionally. Drink more water than you do holiday drinks. Save those for gatherings that are actually enjoyable for you. Limit your alcohol intake. If you drink, be extra kele during family gatherings where emotions can run high Alcohol can lower your inhibitions and make you more likely to engage in drama or say things you'll regret. It can also make it easier for you to become frustrated and engaged in an argument you may not have if you weren't drinking at all. Connect with your support people. Text a friend, call your partner, step away to connect with someone who gets it. You don't have to just keep everything in your head or manage it all alone. Step away from the people that make your emotions run high and find a way to decompress with someone who is fun or someone who just understands and gets it because despite your best efforts, things might still go sideways. But all is not lost. You can get through things going wrong. If you get triggered, remove yourself from the situation immediately. Go to the bathroom, step outside, or leave entirely if you need to. Your emotional wellbeing is more important than social politeness or how anyone else feels. If you are not okay, you can leave. If someone crosses a major boundary, you have every right to address it directly. That comment was inappropriate and hurtful. I'm not going to continue this conversation. If you find yourself falling into old patterns, notice it without judgment and course correct. You can say something like, I can feel myself getting emotional. I need to step away for a minute. If you need to leave early, do it. Say something like, something's come up and we need to head out now. Thank you for having us. I'm happy that we came. You don't owe anyone any detailed explanation and you can just leave it at that. One of the biggest challenges during the holidays is dealing with guilt, both from family members and from yourself. Family guilt can sound like you're ruining Christmas. You're being selfish. Family should come first. These are manipulation tactics designed to get you to comply with dysfunction. You can acknowledge someone's disappointment without taking responsibility for their emotions. Self guilt can sound like maybe I'm being too harsh. They are family. After all. It's just one day. Remember that protecting your mental health isn't selfish. Sometimes it's necessary. You can't pour from an empty cup. You can't help anyone else when you're depleted and you can't really show up for anyone else when you're hurting and don't fall for the obligation trap. Just because someone is family doesn't mean you're obligated to subject yourself to harmful treatment. Blood relation doesn't give someone permission to disrespect your boundaries. if traditional family gatherings consistently leave you feeling bad, consider creating a new tradition. Friendsgiving can be a time to celebrate with chosen family who support and value you. Volunteer instead. Many organizations need help during the holidays, serving others can provide perspective and meaning And make the day joyful for you. Travel and remove yourself from the family drama entirely by going somewhere else during the holidays. Have a quiet celebration, a peaceful holiday at home, or just your immediate family, or even by yourself. Celebrate extended family at a non-holiday time. When there's less pressure and emotion, you can save the big day to celebrate how you want and celebrate with family before or after. So what you do after a family gathering is just as important as how you handle the event itself. Take time to decompress. This might mean taking a bath, going for a walk, journaling, just sitting quietly, planning to have drinks with a friend after Cozy up and watch a predictable holiday movie. Once the gathering is over, being able to decompress and work on feeling better is going to help you celebrate your wins. Did you maintain a boundary? Avoid getting pulled into drama? Did you leave when you needed to? You should acknowledge these victories, even if they seem small. Process, what you learned for next time, what worked, what didn't work, what would you do differently? What boundary did you try to set, but it didn't really go well? Process all of that. See how you can fix it for the next holiday gathering and be gentle with yourself if things didn't go as planned. Practice Self-compassion. It's okay. Family dynamics are complicated And changing patterns can take time. If you've decided not to attend family gatherings or if you don't have family to celebrate with, it can feel lonely and grief can come up. During this time, it's okay to feel sad about not having the family you wanted. It's okay to grieve the holidays you see other people having, but being alone doesn't mean being lonely. Consider volunteering. Connecting with friends who also don't have traditional family celebrations, creating meaningful personal traditions that bring you joy. Using this time for self care to travel somewhere new, to do a hobby or practice something different, like practice some new hobby or something completely different. Just remember that choosing peace over presence at Dysfunctional family gatherings is a sign of growth, not failure. The holidays don't have to be perfect to be meaningful. You don't have to have a picture perfect family to experience joy and gratitude. Your worth isn't determined by how well you perform at family gatherings. Your value isn't measured by your ability to keep the peace or make other people comfortable while you are very, very uncomfortable. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for yourself and for future generations is to break the cycle of accepting dysfunction. Just because it's tradition, doesn't mean it has to keep happening for more years and years and years. You can decide to change it. As we head into the holiday season this year, remember that you have choices. You get to decide how much of yourself to give, how long to stay, and what you will and won't tolerate. You don't have to choose between being a good daughter and protecting your peace. You can love your family very much and still maintain boundaries. You can be grateful for what you have while acknowledging what's missing. The holidays can be a time of healing and growth, even if your family gatherings aren't perfect. Sometimes the best gift you can give yourself is permission to do things your way. Nothing has to be perfect. It doesn't have to be what others are doing, and it doesn't have to be what your family wants from you. What do you want? Sometimes it's best to just give yourself permission to answer that question honestly, and then do the thing. Now if this episode really just doesn't work because of the culture that you come from and opting out of a family holiday or family tradition just does not work for you, then focus on the boundary parts of this episode. Figure out which boundaries would actually work in your family. What can you set, or what can you say in order to keep yourself feeling good in these moments, to keep yourself feeling safe in these moments even? Okay? Every boundary won't work for every culture and not showing up the holiday gatherings may not work in your culture. So I. I see that and respect that and totally understand that, and that completely opting out. May not be for some of you listening to this, but I bet there is a boundary or two, maybe three, that would work and be effective for you to remain feeling good in these moments. So think about that and then also think about what you do after the gathering. Because sometimes you just have to go even if you really don't want to. But how you take care of yourself after can make all the difference? That's what I have for you today. If you're dreading family gatherings this year, I hope this episode gave you some practical tools to protect your peace, and I will catch you in the next one. That's all for today's episode of the Mother-Daughter Relationship Show. Thanks so much for spending this time with me. I hope you picked up some valuable insights that you can start using right away in your own relationship to create deeper connection and understanding. If something from today's episode resonated with you, don't keep it to yourself. Share it with the mother or daughter in your life who needs to hear this message. And while you're at it, please consider leaving a rating. And review so we can reach more families and transform the way mothers and daughters relate to each other. For those ready to take the next step, you can visit my website to learn more about my private coaching programs and my program designed specifically for mother-daughter pairs. Whether you're dealing with communication challenges, life transitions, or just wanna strengthen an already good relationship, I'm here to help. Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you in the next one.