[00:00:00] I love this time of year, all the Christmas parties and holiday functions and a chance to eat delicious food and hang out with people. But it’s also really exhausting, and it can really get on top of you if you don’t look after yourself. One of the questions that I get asked a lot—oh, well, maybe I choose to talk about with my clients—is setting boundaries at Christmas time or during the holiday season.

[00:00:30] And it’s hard, right? Because you have so many things, over-scheduled, often with competing demands. If you’ve got kids or a partner, there are end-of-year celebrations, Christmas things, work functions, family things, Secret Santa gifts to buy, or traditional food to make—or you need to bring a cake or a cheesecake.

[00:00:52] There is a lot going on, and it can be really hard to know when to say no or how to set a boundary. Not just in all of those events, but actually when you go to some of the events. I’m going to talk to you today about some of the ways you can manage your energy and get through this busy time.

[00:01:10] What is a boundary? A boundary is not what you want the other person to do.

[00:01:14] And this is something that people get wrong. They often think, “Someone’s not respecting my boundaries,” or “I told them not to do this,” or “I told them not to call me.”

[00:01:22] So what this looks like is if you’re trying to tell someone, “Don’t call me on the weekend; I won’t, I’m busy,” and they call and you answer—it’s not on them to not call you. If you set a boundary of, “I don’t take work phone calls, for example, on a Sunday,” and someone from work calls you, it’s not their job not to call; it’s your job not to answer it if that’s your boundary.

[00:01:43] So boundaries are about the bit that you can do. If you’ve got a boundary around how you communicate in a conflict or an argument, and someone raises their voice and they swear, maybe you say, “Look, a boundary for me is not using that kind of language.” If they continue to use that language, it’s your job to then say, “If you continue to speak to me that way, I’m going to remove myself from this conversation.”

[00:02:08] The boundary is about the bit that you can do. And this can be hard for some people because I hear it all the time. I hear it in my counselling room, I hear it with friends and family. People will say, “Well, I’ve set a boundary and they broke it. I told them not to call me on the weekend,” or, “I’ve said not to speak to me that way.”

[00:02:23] And there has to be, sometimes, a consequence or a follow-up behaviour. And the other person is allowed to be upset. They’re allowed to be upset that you set a boundary. And I’m going to talk a little bit more about that in a moment, but that’s what boundaries are. It’s the bit that you can do that you’re okay with. And there’s maybe a consequence or an implication or something that follows up—there’s a follow-through about that boundary.

[00:02:45] Why do boundaries matter? Boundaries are really important. They help you look after yourself. They’re really important for self-care, for not feeling resentful, for managing maybe your workload or what you can expect to produce, whether it’s productivity or even just your integrity—your ability to show up.

[00:03:02] If you say yes to a whole bunch of stuff because you just think, “If people would stop asking, then I’d be okay,” but things keep piling on, and then maybe you over-commit and you’re over-scheduled, then you can’t show up the way that you want. Maybe things fall through the cracks. It’s not on people to not ask you to do stuff; it’s on you to say no. So not having good boundaries can leave you feeling completely depleted or exhausted or resentful.

[00:03:29] And that’s really important to recognise. If you’re feeling resentful, it might be because of boundaries being crossed. It might be that you haven’t followed through on something that you wanted to, or that you’ve said yes to something that was really a no. So boundaries are really important.

[00:03:44] Boundaries give us the opportunity to say no. Sometimes no is enough of an answer on its own; there doesn’t have to be justification. Boundaries help us respect our own needs. You’re allowed to have needs, you’re allowed to have preferences, and you’re allowed to say what those things are.

[00:04:01] Boundaries are also a form of self-respect.

[00:04:03] And I think this is a really important one. It also builds trust. For example, let’s say someone asks you to babysit on a Friday night, and you say, “Look, I’m really swamped right now. Friday night’s not good for me. I can do Sunday, if you like.” They might be disappointed because they were really looking forward to a date night and you were their go-to babysitter. They’re allowed to be disappointed. It doesn’t mean you have to change what you said or how you said it. They’re allowed to be disappointed, and you’ve offered an alternative.

[00:04:25] And what that does over time is it builds trust, because that person knows you’ve got good, strong boundaries. They can ask you something, and you’ll say yes and wholeheartedly mean it, or you’ll say no, “I’m not able to.” If they then come to you and say, “Actually, my father-in-law has had a fall, he’s gone to hospital, and we really need to go—can we make this work?” That might be different. You might say, “Look, actually, for that, sure—I’ll stretch myself a little bit to help you out, because that’s a family emergency.”

[00:05:00] So boundaries have some wiggle room, and it’s up to you to figure out what that is for you. That might change. It might not be that you say, “I can never babysit on a Friday night,” but it could be that you look at your week, you look at what’s coming up, you look at the kind of energy you have left after what you’ve already been through, and you make a decision that’s moment to moment. And that is totally fine. Boundaries can be flexible that way.

[00:05:28] So, how do you set boundaries during the holiday season? It’s really important to take a moment and just think about what you’ve got on. Whether you use a paper diary or your phone, look at your schedule. You might look ahead and think, “Oh, I’ve got nothing on those weekends, so I’ll just say yes to this and this.” But don’t forget that things creep up. You might have nothing planned next weekend, but you still have a house to clean, groceries to buy, and errands to run. Then all of a sudden, if you’re baking a cheesecake to take to someone’s Christmas party, and you’re going to get home late, and you’ve got stuff to do in the morning, that might be too much.

[00:06:09] The first step is figuring out or recognising your own energy levels and what you’ve got capacity for.

[00:06:13] Some of the common things that come up at this time of year include financial boundaries. Whether it’s Secret Santa gifts, presents, or dinners out, you might not have the budget that allows for everything. And that’s okay. It’s okay to know that and to say it.

[00:06:28] So, if an opportunity presents itself and someone says, “Oh, we’re all going to this dinner, and it’s going to cost—you’ll get the banquet, and it’s a hundred dollars a head,” and that’s out of your budget, you’re allowed to say, “I would love to come, but a hundred dollars is more than I can budget for right now. I can meet you after for drinks, or if you can find a restaurant that has a more budget-friendly price, I’m happy to spend up to $50. What would work for you?”

[00:06:52] You can put that as an alternative, if you want. If it’s around presents, you’re allowed to say, “My budget for gifts is $50, and that’s a bit of a stretch at the moment. So I’d really appreciate it if we can all stick to that budget. This is all I can spend right now.” And be very clear.

[00:07:06] It’s not clear to say something like, “Oh, it’d be nice if we could maybe get some, like, cheaper gifts this year.” That’s not clear. It’s not clear to say, “Oh, we spent a lot of money last year on gifts—nudge, nudge, wink, wink.” Not clear. You have to be clear, or people don’t know. And it’s also about what you can do. So it’s saying, “I can only spend $50 on gifts.” If the other person chooses to spend more, that’s their business, but it’s saying what you can do and what you’re prepared to do.

[00:07:44] Social stuff and events—there are so many of these happening. I personally love it, but then sometimes things conflict, and they’re on opposite sides of town or on the same day. And I might love to do them all, but then get really pooped. So figuring out what are the essential things, and maybe it is, “I can come, but I might need to leave early. I’m happy to go. I’ll take my own car so I can leave when I need to. I’m fine to do that, but I’ll come a bit later,” or, “I’m a bit uncomfortable. I’m going to bring a friend.” So you get to figure out what the boundary is for you and set that—vocalise it to people.

[00:08:39] It’s okay if it’s around an activity that you don’t particularly like. This is where I work a lot with my adolescent clients, and they find this really helpful—but so do adults, actually. People sometimes just want to hang out with you. The activity doesn’t matter as much. If your friends are saying, “Let’s go rock climbing,” and you’re like, “I can’t think of anything worse than rock climbing,” you can say, “Look, I’m not into rock climbing. I can meet you folks after, and we can have dinner. Or, actually, if you want to hang out and you’re keen to do something else, I’ve heard these other activities are pretty good, or I’m free on Sunday morning, and I’d be really open to a walk or brunch or something.”

[00:09:06] So you don’t have to give up your boundaries, and you can offer suggestions. But think about what that other person might be wanting. If they just want connection, I mean, that’s actually pretty easy. Because if you hated rock climbing and they loved your company but didn’t mind what you did, and months and months and months go by and you’re sitting there sucking it up doing rock climbing, you might start getting resentful. And then maybe you ask them, “Hey, let’s go to the movies,” and they’re like, “Yeah, not—I don’t really like the movies.” And you think, “Oh my gosh, I’ve just spent all this time rock climbing, and I don’t like rock climbing, and you’re not doing it for me.” So it’s okay to have those clear boundaries and to offer alternative suggestions.

[00:09:32] Behavioural boundaries—this one’s tough, and it’s tough at Christmas time, especially when maybe people are drinking or they’re behaving in a way that’s a bit over the top. Maybe they’re excited, or there are heated family things that happen.

[00:09:45] It’s okay to say, “It makes me uncomfortable when you do this. If you come to my house and you speak to me that way, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Or, if I go to this person’s place and they continue to speak to me this way, I’m going to leave.” So there is a boundary that you have and then a behaviour that’s going to follow, and you have to follow through.

[00:10:08] And it’s not an ultimatum. It’s not having a tantrum. It’s actually saying it in a way that is clear, concise, and being aware of what the consequences might be, and being aware of what people’s capacity is. And if you’ve got some really prickly family conflicts that are kind of brewing behind the scenes, it might be best to get some advice around those things so you can understand them in a little bit more detail.

[00:10:29] And the last one I want to talk about is clarifying family plans and expectations.

[00:10:35] This could be, again, sort of like the over-scheduling and having a lot to do, but being really clear. Maybe this year, as a family, we’re having a quieter one. Or, this year, as a family, we’re going to be away for Christmas. And this is how we would like to celebrate with you, or this is how we would like XYZ to look.

[00:10:52] So it’s about being very clear about what that looks like and making it overt to the people around you who need that. These are some of the situations that might pop up and might need some boundaries.

[00:11:10] So how do you set boundaries? I’ve given you some examples along the way, but I’m going to share three of my tips to help you set boundaries at Christmas time.

[00:11:18] The first is being clear and assertive and using I-statements.

[00:11:22] “I don’t like it when you speak to me that way, and if you continue to use that language, I’m going to end the conversation.”

[00:11:28] “I don’t like answering work phone calls on a Sunday. If you call me on a Sunday, I won’t answer the phone.”

[00:11:33] It can be kind and clear and assertive.

[00:11:36] Offer an alternative. If that feels suitable for you, you can offer an alternative.

[00:11:40] “I don’t respond to emails or phone calls from work on a Sunday. If it’s urgent, you can leave me a voice memo, and I’ll make sure to prioritise it first thing Monday morning.” That’s maybe the best that you can offer.

[00:11:53] If it’s not part of your job to be working 24 hours or be on call, that might be a suitable boundary. And that’s okay to offer.

[00:12:00] An alternative suggestion—let’s go back to rock climbing. “I don’t like rock climbing. I’m happy to go for a swim, do a Zumba class, or go for a walk. Would any of those activities be suitable?”

[00:12:12] If the friend comes back to you with, “Yeah, that’s great,” then great. If they’re like, “Look, actually, I really want to go rock climbing, and I’m scared and nervous, and you’re one of my friends that I find really grounding—would you be able to come with me?”

[00:12:22] You might have another counter-offer and say, “Yeah, I can come with you. I can spot you for a little bit, or I can be there to pep you up. I just—I’m not keen on actually giving it a go, and it’s not something I want to do on the regular.” Totally okay.

[00:12:39] So you’re using I-statements and offering an alternative.

[00:12:44] And then the third one—this is one of my favourite tricks. If it’s around an event or “bring a plate,” something like that—“Come to this thing, and can you bring a plate?”—I would suggest saying, “Let me get back to you; I’ve got to check my schedule.” And that gives you a bit of buffer time.

[00:12:57] So if your instinct is to say, “Yep, yep, yep, I can do that, I can do this,” pause it for a moment. “Let me get back to you.” And then take some breaths, figure out what’s possible. And then you can come back. “Yeah, I can come to that event. I’m happy to bring a plate. I can’t make a cheesecake from scratch. I can bring a bottle of wine, a fruit platter—whatever it is you need.”

[00:13:19] So, hopefully, that’s given you a few tips on how to set some boundaries during the holiday season. I hope you’ve enjoyed this episode of This Complex Life.