E072 - If I Leave, Will He Fall Apart? How To Find Peace In Your Decision When You’re Terrified They Can’t Handle It (client story)

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Speaker 6: In this episode, you will discover how to find peace in your decision to leave, even if you are terrified that your partner won't be able to handle it.

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Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.

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Welcome back to this episode today, you will discover why staying in the rescuing role might be doing more harm than good in your relationship. You're going to discover tangible ways to overcome your terror, that he will not be okay if you leave. And you're going to hear the life changing way that this client of mine that you're going to hear from today. Overcame her fear of being the villain in her now X's story. Today, I'm sharing a raw and heartfelt conversation [00:01:00] with a beautiful client of mine. As she shares.

So vulnerably her journey of walking through the terror and terror really is the best word for this. When you are so scared of leaving a relationship, because you don't know that the person's going to be okay without you, you're scared maybe for their physical safety, for their ability to figure their shit out, whatever the terror is, it feels to you, it feels insurmountable. Uh, to be able to leave and think that they will be okay. What I want to name here before we get into her story is that it's really important to clarify that. This client of mine was not in a relationship where her safety was threatened.

So she was not experiencing physical, emotional, or psychological abuse or otherwise. If that had been the case, we would have gone about this situation in a different fashion. To make sure that she was safe to leave and that she was maintaining no contact in order to maintain that [00:02:00] safety. So just keep that in mind, if your situation is a little bit different than how she shares her situation. But regardless of the situation that you're in. I know there will be pieces, if not the full story that will resonate so deeply for you. Because there are so many women out there that, that share this fear and don't want to be. The villain don't want to cause pain don't want to ruin somebody's life by doing something that's better for them. So I can't wait for you to hear it. And remember to stick around to the end of the episode, where I will pull an Oracle card. And that will offer you a specific message that you can use this week to stay more conscious in your healing.

Speaker 1: Welcome to the podcast, love. ~So nice to have you here.~

Speaker 2 (2): Thank you for having me. It's good to be here.

Speaker 1 (2): This is such a joy. Having clients on the podcast is always like one of my most favorite things because your stories of transformation are so great. And ~have ~having had the [00:03:00] pleasure of watching you over the last several months make such a dramatic change in the way that you were showing up in your relationship and showing up for yourself.

Was so cool to witness. So thank you for being willing to share a little bit about what that looked like.

Speaker 2 (2): Yeah, thank you. It is like actually, it's, when I reflect back on that time, it's like I honestly can't even ~I don't even, like, ~recognize that person so much now, like myself, in that period of time. ~Um, ~which is crazy because it was just a few months ago. bUt I feel, ~uh, ~so different now. So it's been really cool.

Speaker 1 (2): You've done a lot of work. So let's paint a picture for the listener about what that looked like for you. Where were you several months ago in that, in that sort of tumultuous place that you were in?

Speaker 2 (2): Oh, gosh. Oh, [00:04:00] to even ~like, ~think about it, ~just like, ugh, It's like, ~it was like a weight on my shoulders. ~Um ~a few months ago. I ~was, I okay just to paint the picture of like, this day I had, you know, very, abruptly, like, ~picked up myself and, a few of my things and moved down into my parents' house. , about 20 to 25 minutes away from our shared apartment and, you know, brought our cat and brought just a few things and, ~um, ~had every intention of, essentially being like, this is the last time that I'm doing this.

~Um, ~but of course being afraid that it wasn't going to be the last time because my pattern was You know, , we would have these moments where ~it would, ~it would erupt, ~uh, ~we would get to the point where we were both saying things like, we can't do this anymore. You know, we're both hurting each other.

You know, we're in so much pain. We were, I mean, I can't even get into all of the specifics about, you know, everything that we had been through together. ~Um, ~that led to these eruptions and led to the total lack of trust and safety in the relationship. And it was very apparent that we both still had a lot [00:05:00] of love for each other, but it was not enough for us to be able to actually make anything work despite just how much we both wanted it to.

I mean, I cannot even, I mean, you were there, ~you know, ~you know, just how badly I wanted it to work. ~Um, ~but after I picked up and moved my things, plus our cat down to my parents house and a few days down here. And then, you know, his assumption was that I was going to be coming right back.

Um, which is what had typically happened. And I had to, you know, basically overcome a lot of my own inner Patterning and wounding and instinct to just go right back in order to, you know, first of all, save him, save his feelings, save him from having to confront any of the, ~you know, ~shit that comes with a breakup.

Um, but also, myself from having to actually face a lot of that stuff too. But a big, [00:06:00] I think the biggest part of it for me was fear about what the impact was going to be for him because he and I were so extremely codependent. Um, I couldn't believe just how codependent we were once I actually took a step back and looked at it because, ~um, ~we are both therapists and, To believe that you have an understanding of codependency as a therapist and to see it in clients, right?

And to be able to recognize it, but then to not really recognize it in yourself or in your own relationship as being just as over the top and extreme as it was was I mean, a real mindfuck. ~I~

Speaker 1 (2): Yeah,

Speaker 2 (2): don't know if that paints a clear enough picture.

Speaker 1 (2): it does. It does. And there are a lot of different components to codependency, but how it looked like for you guys specifically was really, you. stepping in as that rescuer. And I know we worked a lot with that term and what that meant [00:07:00] for you in the relationship. What do you think was the energy driving ~that, that, ~that impulse to step in, that need to take care of, make sure he was okay, despite sort of what you were feeling or what you were knowing?

Speaker 2 (2): Oh,

Speaker 1 (2): Okay.

Speaker 2 (2): right? Because I mean, obviously you get into like the early childhood stuff, you know, being the little, you know, responsible one who Made sure everybody felt okay all of the time. And, ~you know, ~that was, ~you know, ~just on a psychological level,

my, ~own ~desire for safety, right? In my environment. ~Um, ~but really what that blossomed into, ~um, ~specifically in this relationship was, ~um, ~I had watched him make a lot of really, ~uh, ~concerning choices during our relationship. ~Um, ~and I wanted so badly for our relationship to work. And so I felt this [00:08:00] need to save him,

to rescue him, to make the behavior stop, to make the concerning things stop. ~Um, ~and he was not doing it on his own. You know, he, ~I, ~I watched over and over and over again, me put my hope and my faith and my trust in this person, telling them what I thought was best, telling them what I thought they ought to do, because ultimately that was going to be the only way I could stay in the relationship.

Right? Was if he was, you know, getting this thing together ~or, you know, repairing this relationship ~or, you know, going back to school or whatever the thing was, right? It was just, I watched him make a lot of chaotic choices from a really wounded place. And there's this like inner caretaker inside of me that it was so painful to watch, you know, because this person that you love so dearly is suffering and is actively contributing to their suffering.

And Won't do anything to fix it or change it. ~Um, ~and my fear [00:09:00] of what that was going to, like, just how do I phrase this? ~Like ~of ~what, ~what might transpire in a breakup, right. Was so much greater than the staying. And the fixing, you know, the idea of leaving was so terrifying to me because I was so scared he wouldn't be okay.

Because I had watched him not be okay in all of these other realms.

Speaker 1 (2): That fear, the fear of will he be okay, I think is so, it's so common in the women that I work with. It was common in my experience where I really took full responsibility of if I leave, his entire life is going to, like, go down the drain. He's not going to be okay. He's gonna lose his sobriety in my case.

He was gonna, like,

Speaker 2 (2): My case too. ~Yeah, yeah.~

Speaker 1 (2): Yeah, and that's a lot of weight to hold, a lot of responsibility.

Speaker 2 (2): Absolutely overwhelming. I mean, ~I, ~once I actually did step away, first of all, [00:10:00] which was, you know, the, I think probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. ~Um, ~I couldn't believe just how ~It was, ~it was twofold. It was like the relief, but also the terror about what's going to happen to him,

because ~I had, ~I had zero belief that he was going to be able to navigate it on his own. And also because that was the story he was feeding me. ~You know, and ~I don't think it was a conscious story. I don't think it was anything that he was doing intentionally. I think that it was his own deep rooted, deep seated fear and, ~you know, ~this need to be rescued in order to feel loved, right?

And prioritized and cared for, which, I mean, I just fit that bill perfectly, I just like slid right in to that role.

Speaker 1 (2): yeah, I mean the rescuer typically finds the victim because those are both the familiar patterns that we play out.

Speaker 2 (2): I remember on day one. I might have told you this, maybe I [00:11:00] didn't, but day one, our first date, okay, ~um, ~we had had a period, you know, where we met in school, it was a very sweet little meet cute, you know, like I gave him my number, it was adorable, you know, it's been like, it was like a highlight of our relationship and we reflect on our relationship, like kind of how we met, Get along so well, our humor's the same. And then we had about a month in between our first date where we just like got to know each other. ~Um, ~through texting and through phone calls and I remember thinking like, Oh my gosh, it's so sweet, he like wants to call me.

He's like really trying to get to know me. Our first date, we went to dinner at this place across the street from his apartment, and it was ~a great time. We had ~a great time. And then right after dinner, I was like, oh, your apartment's right up, right across the street, right? Like, why don't we go over there?

And he was like, no, I don't. I don't want you to see my apartment. He was like, you know, I just moved in. He had not just moved in. It had been a few months, by the way, ~he had been moved in for a few months. Um, ~but the story was like, I've not finished unpacking. I've not, you know, gotten all my, all my [00:12:00] space together essentially.

And I remember, ~uh, ~him telling me that, you know, just how, how messy it was. And I said out loud as we're walking over there, well, I can fix it. And he stopped me and he said, I don't need to be fixed. And I remember that moment, it was our first date, being like, whoa, what was that exchange? But it didn't register, right?

It didn't register in this way. We went up to his apartment and it was a ~disaster. I mean, it was just a total ~disaster. And guess what I started doing? It was like, This immediate impulse inside of me to start cleaning and to start organizing and to start, you know, he had this whole box full of extension cords.

And I started organizing them and wrapping up and putting them in these perfect little piles on our first date.

Speaker 1 (2): Yeah, ~wow, ~you didn't tell me that.

Speaker 2 (2): I sought out this person who I could [00:13:00] quote unquote fix, right, and make better.

Speaker 1 (2): And I want to point out for the woman listening, like, it can come from good intentions, it can look on the surface like you want to help,

Speaker 2 (2): Totally.

Speaker 1 (2): but what you were feeling likely in that moment was such discomfort. That you were in a situation that either didn't align with your values, or didn't, you didn't know how to interact with him being, like, knowing you were in his messy space, or some sort of anxiety, some sort of

Speaker 2 (2): Oh, I know exactly what it was. It was that thing of, I need this to be different so that we can be together, right? Like, this doesn't work for me, right? So let me fix it and show you and teach you how to be better.

Speaker 1 (2): Yeah. When he was literally telling you, I don't want, I don't want that. ~ ~

Speaker 2 (2): Yeah. Too bad, so sad, I'm giving it to you anyway.

Speaker 1 (2): yes, yeah. So that was the pattern. That was the pattern of ~you, ~you stepping in to either A, fix something [00:14:00] about him so that you guys could be more, ~um, ~compatible, or the stepping in to sort of pad him from having to feel ~the, ~the depth, like ~the, um, ~the greatness of the emotion or the experience.

Correct. Yeah, definitely.

And when you,~ when you, ~separated physically, I know this didn't stop for you because it doesn't. It almost exacerbated as you were taking that pause

~Yeah. ~Tell us a little bit about what that looked like as you were trying to navigate your emotions and his.

Speaker 2 (2): Oh man. You're talking about specifically during our work when we did A Sacred Pause, ~um, ~which was through this book, Liberated Love, that we were both reading at the time, and it's about taking intentional space apart. You know, working on your own stuff so that way you can determine after, ~you know, ~a determined period of time, ~um, ~whether or not it's going to make sense to reconvene, right.

And [00:15:00] restart and try something new. So we had committed to a three month separation where we were still seeing each other once a week, ~um, ~and, you know, kind of doing a check in with one another. ~Um, ~and I mean, When we very first started that pause, I mean it got better over time for sure, but when we very first started that pause, ~um, ~The protest behavior, on his part was, ~uh, ~over the top,

and I mean, kind of like nothing, ~um, ~nothing violent or anything like that, of course, but, um, the amount of rescuing that I was being. essentially pulled into, it really amped up. I remember when I very first came down to my parents house, I live 25 minutes away right now, now down at my parents house. He had gone to Big O Tires or something to get his tires looked at or his car looked at. He's all the way downtown, he calls me and says like, Hey, I'm leaving Big O Tires, like, will you come get me?[00:16:00]

And I'm, I was like, I'm 25 minutes away, you could walk home, you could get an Uber home, you know, but And I think he knew that, but there was this come and get me, come save me, come rescue me, I'm all alone, right? Thing, ~ um, ~gosh, I'm trying to remember what other examples stand out, but that feels like it was so long ago.

Are there any that you can remember that ~like, ~stand out to you?

Speaker 1 (2): I wrote, I don't know about a specific example, but I remember having conversations with you about things that he would say and being able to point out like that, that is manipulative. That is trying to make you feel guilty for the space that you need or the feelings that you're having because he would say very victim y things in response.

Speaker 2 (2): Yes. ~Yeah. Yeah. ~There were, ~I mean, yeah, now that I'm thinking about it, there are ~a lot of examples that I could point to, right? Specific scenarios where I felt that. ~Um, I, ~where I either did step into that rescuing role because when you [00:17:00] care about someone, you know, figuring out that line between what is rescuing, ~right.~

And what is being supportive, ~right. ~Is really difficult. And I mean, I've felt. So wobbly at it, ~you know, I was like, I can't, ~I feel like I can't even trust myself to know what is what, because ~yeah, ~he would be genuinely asking for help with one thing, but then I would get there and it would be kind of like, ~you know, ~the boundary would get pushed a little bit, right?

Or then this next thing would be asked for, and It was a really confusing time, ~you know, it was really, really confusing, honestly. ~Because I wanted so badly to be holding to my own boundaries, but also to be able to like, nurture this relationship still, right? And show up in a way that was going to be supportive and not the same pattern.

And it was, it was hard to determine what was what.

Speaker 1 (2): Yeah. I just want to point out like the amount of awareness and motivation that you had to [00:18:00] have. ~To, ~to move through that period of discomfort,

~it's like, ~it's like, you're trying to give up sugar and somebody's standing right in front of you with ~like ~a chocolate cake. And you're like, all I want is the chocolate cake that is so much easier.

I know what that tastes like. I know that that's going to make this discomfort go

Speaker 2 (2): Yeah,

Speaker 1 (2): It was, it's like the level of tenacity that you have to have with yourself to be like, I know that's the familiar path and I know I can't go down that path because I can't continue this cycle with him.

Speaker 2 (2): right.

And it's like, what it was really, like, using that chocolate cake metaphor, it's like the person said, ~like, ~you're giving up chocolate cake, right? But the person in front of you is going, but I baked this cake. And it would mean so much to me if you would have a bite. Because don't you love me? It would make me feel like you loved me if you would eat this cake.

Add that layer to it, and it's like, oh my, am I the worst person in the world for not eating a bite of that cake? Right? Like, what's wrong with me that I won't just have a bite? ~That I won't just, that I won't this thing or, you know what I mean?~

Speaker 1 (2): It's just a [00:19:00] bite. ~Yeah.~

Speaker 2 (2): just a bite.

What is, like, what's the big deal, you know? , Ultimately, it was way more than just a bite, obviously.

Speaker 1 (2): yes, because what was really happening there was your empathy was being, ~uh, ~touched on ~or, ~or grabbed at, which causes feelings of guilt, which causes feelings of second guessing yourself, which causes feelings of this discomfort that you just need to fucking get away from.

Speaker 2 (2): Mm hmm. Mm

Speaker 1 (2): And so ~how did you, ~how did you move through that discomfort?

Was there something that could be helpful for the listener that was like a light bulb moment for you ~to, ~to understand this sort of dance that you were in and how it wasn't, it wasn't you coming from a caring place. It was coming from a place of trying to relieve your anxiety.

Speaker 2 (2): Yeah, I think what was really helpful for me was the drama triangle. Like, I remember going through that module and [00:20:00] feeling very, ~uh, ~inspired by the information, ~right? Um, ~and that it was possible for me to do something different. ~Right. And it didn't, ~it took me a while, ~right. ~To actually be able to start to implement the shift from the drama triangle to the empowerment triangle.

~Um, ~but once I started practicing it a little bit more regularly, just little by little and like kind of gaining that sense of confidence in myself, that that was an okay thing to do. ~Um, ~It started to get a bit easier. However, ~I would, ~I will say that, ~um, ~for me and maybe for a listener or listeners, ~um, ~what might be helpful to hear is that, ~um, ~I eventually just reached a breaking point, you know, ~it ~like, yes, I had a lot of tenacity.

I had a lot of, ~you know, um, ~drive to do things differently. ~Um, ~but I reached a breaking point because what I found was that, ~um, ~there was so much up and down roller coaster riding emotionally going on for [00:21:00] me that I got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. Like, I had started to taste what peace felt like.

And I just realized I cannot sacrifice this, right? ~Like I might, ~I can deeply, deeply love this person and care about them and want the best for them. And me showing up in this role over and over again ~is, ~is not only, well, it was twofold. It was that ~it's, ~it's preventing my own peace, but it's also preventing his peace.

Like, I think that that was, I remember having a moment in one of our tapping sessions with the other women where I started coming around to this idea that any time I stepped into Save him from his feelings or save him from a situation that he had created for himself.

~Um, ~I actually was undermining his own tenacity, his own drive, right? His [00:22:00] own confidence, you know, I was, I was robbing him of that, and I started to realize like, oh, you don't do that to people that you love, right? ~Um, ~when you love someone, You don't clip their wings, or say, too bad your wings are clipped, you can't do it,

you know, instead you go, hey, maybe you've got some clipped wings or maybe they need a little repairing or a little bandaging first, but you can totally do this. I know you can, I believe in you, right? And it wasn't until I actually started to shift my own role into that more of like that coaching dynamic that I really started to see changes, not only for me, but for him too.

Um, I couldn't believe how much the role shift seemed to empower him, right? To believe in himself and to believe in his own capability. And it was a fight. To get there. [00:23:00] I mean, it was not fun. It was not pretty. It was, I was tapping like a mad woman, know, like it was, it was ridiculous. But it was like, ~um, ~you know, ~when you go through like, uh, ~when you have a baby and ~you like, you know, ~it's that final push,

it's like the worst part, you know, of the whole journey. I imagine. I've never had kids, but at that point, you're probably so tired. Just get this baby out of me. Right. And then. You're on the other side of it and suddenly things are looking a little different, and it was just this hurdle that we had to sort of get through together.

~Yeah.~

Speaker 1 (2): ~For, ~for the listener who's not sure what the rescuer and the, or what drama triangle and the empowerment dynamic is, ~in your, ~in your situation, the rescuer in the drama triangle is the unhealthy version of wanting to help, wanting to step in, wanting to take care of people. And what we do in the rescuer role is we step in and say, here, let me do it.

And what that shows the victim, the other person, is that they [00:24:00] can't. , Right, so it's a, yeah, so it's keeping them in that role of you're incapable of this, let me just do it because to sit with you and try to teach you or try to coach with you, it's going to be too uncomfortable for me, so let me just do it.

Versus the empowerment dynamic, which you mentioned, where you turn from the rescuer to the coach. And the coach mindset is, how can I help you get there?

Speaker 2 (2): Mm hmm.

Speaker 1 (2): How can I help you see your motivation? How can I help you, how can I support you, but let you do it? Which is a very different energy to meet someone with, which what you experience, it helps empower them to make the changes and do the thing.

Or, it shows very clearly that they don't want to do the thing,

Speaker 2 (2): Mm hmm.

Speaker 1 (2): in which it's still not your job to step in to do it.

Speaker 2 (2): Right. ~Right.~

Speaker 1 (2): Yeah. But I remember that shift for you when you were like, Oh, I'm, I'm holding us both back by continuing [00:25:00] stepping in and saving him. I'm holding me back from growing out of this role. I'm holding him back from realizing he actually has potential or has the ability to do whatever thing he was trying to do.

Right. Right.

Speaker 2 (2): Yeah, however that looks. Because a lot of the time, ~you know, I think too, ~you know, if he would do the thing when we were together, he wasn't doing it to my standard, right? Or the way that I would do it. So, you know, that also creates this sense of, you're not doing it, right so just let me do it. Yeah, ~it was, ~it was a really, really massive shift.

And like, I can't, I mean, I know that this isn't the case for everybody and it won't be the case for everybody, but it has completely transformed our relationship to each other, and it's, ~we're still, ~we're not together, you know, we're not in a relationship. We're sort of navigating what it looks like to be separated still and, ~um, ~not have plans to get back together,

but. It's been really incredible to [00:26:00] take the step back and to continue to empower him and to tell him all of the moments when I'm proud of him because he's doing this thing or that thing and, ~um, ~trying something new or reconnecting with someone that, you know, he thought maybe the relationship was over or whatever it is, , watching him kind of take these steps has been a really beautiful thing to do and feels way more loving.

Even from a distance, even not being together, then it did to be so controlling, and to need to rescue him in order ~to feel ~for me to feel okay. Oh, um,

Speaker 1 (2): that kept coming up in our group, and I also remember a moment for you that seemed like a massive pivotal point where you were trying to figure out, like, a different way to say the thing, or a different way to apologize, or a different way to frame it, and you just wrote in Slack, you're like, [00:27:00] He's not thinking about the 75 different ways that he could show up to a conversation or frame something differently.

Tell me about that moment. ~What, ~what clicked for you in that?

Speaker 2 (2): that was a moment that I had a few times. I remember the first time I had it with you guys and then I kind of kept returning to it over and over again because I would find myself in these frantic places mentally where I would be so concerned or so worried about him or that, ~you know, ~the way that I was going to say this thing was going to make him spiral,

or, you know, that maybe I should have, ~you know, ~maybe I should reach out and apologize or maybe I should, ~you know, ~try to say this thing or that, whatever. And I remember when I would, when I was able to actually connect with that awareness that like, he's not writing me letters the way that I'm writing him letters, ~you know, ~where I'm explaining myself, you know, over three pages, ~you know, ~or where I'm, ~you know, ~composing the most perfect, most, ~you know, You know, ~easy, gentle text, ~you know, ~that he can hear in a [00:28:00] way that is supportive and, you know, we'll, it'll just, ~you know, he'll, ~then he'll understand,

then he'll get my perspective, then he'll get my point of view. When I finally just was like, he's not doing that, it gave me some permission to stop doing it too, it was kind of like, okay, so I can stop writing the letters. I can stop explaining and overexplaining and ~You know, ~putting myself through all of this anxiety because that's actually not being reciprocated, ~you know, and it, it, ~and not even that it should have been, ~you know, ~I think ~that, um, ~that spoke to my own fear of being.

You know, of disappointing him, ~you know, ~or of, ~you know, being, ~I remember specifically talking about how afraid I was to be the villain in his story, ~you know, ~because I deeply loved this person and we were together for six and a half years, you know, [00:29:00] and, ~um, ~it was terrifying to me, the idea that I would be the villain in his story and that he would walk away from this hating me.

, and ~I couldn't, ~I couldn't handle that idea. And so, yeah, ~it, ~it gave me some permission to have some level of acceptance around, maybe I become the villain, ~um, ~and maybe that's okay. If all of the ways that I've tried to explain myself and show him just how caring I am, aren't enough at this point, ~right, um, ~then maybe I can have some peace with that slowly.

~you know? Mm-hmm~

Speaker 1 (2): what you did in that moment was recognize that you didn't have control over how he was going to perceive you. No matter what you said, because you could try for the next 10 years to explain yourself in all the different ways and to save him from his feelings of having to, you know, think that you broke up with him and want to hurt him or ~whatever the, ~whatever the story was, right, that you were afraid of. But you [00:30:00] could explain everything in the most perfect language, in the most perfect letter, and he could still read it and say, you ruined my life,

Speaker 2 (2): Right,

Speaker 1 (2): and you have control over how he's perceiving you. So that's part of letting go of ~that, ~that control, or ~that, ~ the comfort that you're looking for by re explaining.

If I can just make sure I'm not the villain, ~then I'll, ~then he'll be okay, so I'll be okay.

Speaker 2 (2): Right, right. And he'll get it. And then we can walk through this peacefully and gracefully with each other, which is exactly what I wanted. , I wanted it to look so perfect and so sweet and so tender with nobody's feelings being hurt. ~Yeah.~

Speaker 1 (2): and breakups are messy, , no matter the way we cut them. And so, in watching you, ~there was no, ~there was no moment where you showed up with, like, venom for him. There was no moment where you were trying to hurt him or trying to, like, jab one in his ribs. So ~you were, ~you were coming from a place of love already.

You were just trying to overemphasize and make sure he [00:31:00] saw that ~and, ~and try to control how he was going to feel about it. But it's so common from women where ~we don't, ~we don't want to be the villain. And we think that setting a boundary or doing what we need to do or not sacrificing ourselves in the relationship anymore.

makes us the bad guy.

Speaker 2 (2): Yeah.

Speaker 1 (2): ~It was, ~it was so cool to watch you through that. Like, I mean, ~as, ~as your coach, as somebody who's holding space and supporting you through like a really painful time to see you have ~that, ~that shift in thinking and be like, nope, I'm not doing this dance anymore. I'm not going to feel guilty about this anymore.

~I'm going to, ~I'm going to shift how I talk to him and move into that coaching role. It was like, I mean, I'm so proud of

Speaker 2 (2): Thank you so much. ~Um, ~Um, it was not cute. It was not pretty. It not easy. I think that that would be like, that would be the thing that ~like ~maybe I want listeners to hear more than anything. [00:32:00] It's like, I think that, I don't know. I know that breakups are messy period. They just are. Right.

, but, It was like, because I wanted it to go, I wanted, I kept coming back to this idea that I wanted to exit with my values intact. It was really important to me. ~And so ~even though, ~um, you know, ~I showed up ~so, ~so gently, just over, compassionately, right? , it was because I wanted so badly to leave with my values intact.

And so it was really messy, and it was really complicated. And I had people saying things to me, you know, like, Just leave, or like, what are you doing? Or like, why are you even doing this ~pause? ~And why are you even, you know, going up this way? And you're too nice, and you're too You know, you're too gentle, you're being too compassionate, and I it was really confusing,

Because it wasn't this hard switch between, , I'm showing up so [00:33:00] gently to just kidding now I don't care anymore, right? Like, I officially don't care, you know, your shit is yours, I'm not, you know, gonna be involved in that anymore.

~It was so messy because I was so ~It was so important to me that I stayed in line with my values. And I think that maybe to some degree over complicated things a little bit, but I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't change the way I went throughout that process. And so like, I guess I would want people to hear like, from my perspective and from my journey, like you don't have to abandon your values.

Even if what it ends up being in the end is that you guys, ~you know, ~end ~in, ~and it's really messy and, ~um, ~they're not able to, they do see you as the villain, right? ~Um, ~you can still leave with your values intact. It doesn't have to be in a bitter situation, at least for you,

on your side of things, ~you know, ~you can move through it slowly, but [00:34:00] like, don't expect yourself to just ~Um, ~be cutthroat if you're not a cutthroat person, ~you know, ~I never wanted to be a cutthroat person. That's why it was so challenging, ~you know, um, ~but I will say on the other side of it, I'm really, really proud of myself because I feel like The intentionality, ~um, ~as well as, ~you know, ~his own stuff, he was receptive, ~you know, um, ~more than others might be, ~you know, ~to me eventually making that shift, ~you know, ~and that created, ~um, ~a certain, and here's the other thing.

I did not think he would ~be, I did not think he'd ~be receptive at all. That was another part of the rescuing process was like having to finally put down. ~You know, the, the thing of, ~you know, I can't be the villain in his story, you know? And once I finally was like, I reached that breaking point where I was like, I have to set that down.

I was actually really surprised by his ability to meet me there, you know, and to want to do things differently and to apologize and to say, ~you know, ~Hey, I'm sorry. It took me a long time to see that, ~you know, ~this was the [00:35:00] right thing to do, you know? And, ~You know, ~I guess ~like, ~that feels important. ~I don't know I explained that well, but ~that feels important.

Speaker 1 (2): Yeah, yeah. That you didn't have to become a different person in order to leave. And I think for you, in your situation specifically, you needed to know that you had tried everything and that ~you were, ~you were coming to this place from ~your own, ~your own knowing, your own, ~like, ~volition, I guess, instead of people telling you, you need to do this.

What are you doing? just, you had to get there by yourself and it had to look, it had to come from a loving place as much as possible in order for you to feel good about that on the other side.

Speaker 2 (2): exactly. Oh yeah, that's exactly right. I mean, I stopped seeing my old therapist because I could feel just how much she wanted me to leave. You know, and it was too much pressure. It was too much pressure. , ~I, ~I became a lot more, ~um, ~insulated, right? Insular in terms of, like, what I was sharing.

I was primarily just sharing with the [00:36:00] group, it was like, here's a group of women that can actually understand what I'm going through. and can recognize that there's nuance here. When you're moving intentionally, I, I hope when you're moving intentionally through life, ~you know, ~decisions aren't that black and white, right?

There's a lot of gray. And it was really important for me to try everything, and I mean everything, right, before finally closing the door on that relationship. ~Um, ~and I think it was the right thing to do.

Speaker 1 (2): Angie found some nervous system regulation ~while you were, ~while you were trying to sift through all the feelings and all the things, think in part because you weren't physically in the same space with him, in part because you were willing to actually meet your little girl and like tend to ~these, ~these pieces of you that were coming up ~to, ~because they were so freaked the fuck out that ~like, ~You were going to kill him or his life was going to end or whatever was going to happen in the extreme version of fear. And you were able to learn how [00:37:00] to be with your own discomfort, which allows you to be with his discomfort. And ~that, that, ~that skill is, I mean, you're going to use that throughout every relationship through your whole life. That's so valuable.

Speaker 2 (2): was really significant to learn how to support that inner child, right? That inner little girl. I mean, I'd been in therapy for eight years and hadn't done any of that work with my own therapist. And it was probably the most profound like experience really was learning that I could be the one that, you know, looked to her and said, I know that this feels really scary.

I know that you're terrified. I know you, you feel guilty and responsible and you can take a breath. You can go lay down. I'm going to take care of this. It's going to be okay. I've got you. We're going to get through this. He's going to be okay. You know, [00:38:00] like, just trust me. I'm going to handle it,

um, and it was, that was another, it was really hard to get to that place too. That was not an easy shift.

Speaker 1 (2): No, it's not. But in, in the, the, um, I don't know, the theme, ~I guess, ~of your healing was like that you were, you, you were ready to go there. You were ready to go through the discomfort of, Stepping out of the rescuer role. You are ready to go through the discomfort of meeting your inner child or your inner parts and understanding what they needed and being with them.

Even if that left you crying on the floor several days, several times, ~it's, it's not a, ~it's not, ~we don't, ~we aren't perfect at it immediately because we're learning how to do these things.

Speaker 2 (2): I'm still not perfect at it

Speaker 1 (2): I'm not either. It's like, we just get more skilled at remembering what we need to do in the moment. It's not that those moments go away, but it's like, oh, okay, I recognize this part of myself.

She's really afraid. I know how to be with her now, or I'm learning how to [00:39:00] be with her now. ~And that's ~That is the healing. That's the continued journey.

Speaker 2 (2): Yeah.

Speaker 1 (2): Thank you so much. ~This, ~this is going to land with so many women. I just know it in my heart that what you went through is so resonant of what holds so many people back from taking that step.

That fear just is too big, so ~to see, ~to see somebody who has come through the other side of that is so empowering.

Speaker 2 (2): Yeah. I just want to say for people that are in that spot where they're really, really deep in the fear and they don't see another side to it. ~Um, ~again, maybe tune out the people around you who are saying, just do it, just do it, just do it. ~Um, ~and instead just sit with, ~um, ~the fear, because the fear is so valid and makes so much sense.

You had us move through this exercise in one of the modules where we listed out all of our fears, and, you know, what's the worst thing that could happen, and how likely is it that thing would happen, and what does the little kid [00:40:00] inside of you maybe need to hear, and that was a really helpful exercise for me, and ~Um, ~also didn't push me to make any decisions too fast.

You know, it was just helpful to just be with ~the, ~the fear, you and, um, I just know how lonely it is to be in that place and just want people to feel, ~um, ~not alone, you know, that I get it.

Speaker 1 (2): There's two of us here that understand it fully. If you need,

Speaker 2 (2): Yeah.

Speaker 1 (2): there's nobody else in the world, which there for sure are, but yeah. For the listener to hear that you and I have been there firsthand, we know,

Speaker 2 (2): They are not alone.

Speaker 1 (2): to help me pull a card for, for the That'd be great. Mmm. so go ahead and close your eyes. And we're just going to tune into the deck, tune into the message that the listener needs to hear today. Whenever you feel like the shuffle's complete, you let me know when to stop. We We got Blank Stare.

Speaker 2 (2): ~Mmm. Mmm.~

Speaker 1 (2): And [00:41:00] it's a picture of an owl with really big eyes that looks like they're staring blankly at something. ~Let me find the message here and I'll read it. ~Blank stare invites you to take a moment to pause. No need to react. Soak it in. Take time to process what is in front of you.

Sometimes you are not sure how to respond. You need more time to think, to speak. Blinkstare gives you permission to slow down. Be thoughtful with your words and actions so that they are in alignment with your desired expression, feelings, or values. I don't pre pull these, I swear! The high pressure energy of your environment, or those close to you, may push you to speak or act before you're ready.

It's okay to take your time. Take a breath, gather yourself, shoot them a blank stare until you are ready to say what you say or do what you do.

Could it have been any more perfect? I don't think

Speaker 2 (2): way to just sum up everything. Yeah. I Yeah. love it.

Speaker 1 (2): Well, thank you again so much for your time, for your wisdom, your just [00:42:00] sharing your story.

Speaker 2 (2): ~Yeah. ~Thank you for having me. It's really meaningful. I appreciate it.

​

Speaker 9: I so hope that you enjoyed that conversation and felt the impact that I hope that her story would bring you. It was such a pleasure to watch her move through that experience and really come into her own and build her confidence in that way and speaks to exactly how possible all of this is when you are really ready to do the work and you have the right support around you.

So let's just recap what we covered today. From this episode, you now know why staying in that rescuer role might be doing more harm than good. You know the tangible ways to overcome the terror that he won't be okay if you decide to leave.

And you heard the life changing way that this client really overhauled her fear of being the villain in her now ex's story.

After listening to this episode, if you're like, [00:43:00] I really want to start working on my codependency and my attachment style and really starting to redefine your, the way that you show up in relationships, maybe you're doing that so you can feel more confident, and try every last thing before you decide you want to leave the relationship, or maybe you've left and know you don't want to repeat patterns.

Whatever it is, I want you to click in the show notes and get the free Relationship Reset Guide.

This is a totally free guide that's going to help you begin to learn how to communicate your feelings without feeling guilty. It's going to help you navigate triggering moments on your own without shutting down. And it's going to help you feel secure on your own so that you aren't jumping into another relationship with the wrong intention or with some subconscious motivations behind that.

It's really intended to help you expand your capacity to hold next level love when you maybe have not held that before. So starting with you, starting with what you can [00:44:00] control, the patterns that you have, starting with your side of the street, always. So click through the show notes, that's free for you.

And I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that this podcast really is for you. You are not alone, and I will see you in the next episode