Well, hello, and welcome back to become a calm mama. And I

thought since it's the beginning of the school year, I might talk a little

bit about this thing that's been going around on TikTok and

Instagram called Venmo moms. And, essentially,

a Venmo mom is someone who isn't really interested

in being a volunteer, like a hands on volunteer with their

kids' school or team or whatever it is, and

that they wanna just send, you know, send money

and support those programs or whatever it is. Like, I'm just

gonna Venmo you. And the woman who wrote it, her

TikTok handle is Neil family chaos. And

what why she brought it up is because she was talking about how

she feels judged by other parents who volunteer a lot.

And when she just sends cash, she feels bad. And, you

know, the she posted this little thing, and she's like, you know, I don't really

wanna do any of those things. I don't wanna be on the PTA or the

PFA, and I don't wanna be room mom and team mom. I don't wanna do

any of that. And she says she feels really stressed when they

start asking for volunteers, and she's like, oh my god. They're judging me, but I

don't want to do it. I don't wanna come in. I don't wanna set up.

It, you know, kinda created a little bit of, like, a viral sensation

for her. And, you know, there were a lot of comments in there about

how people were, like, yeah. Cool. Like, that's me

and, you know, a lot of support for her. And I loved I loved that.

I was just, like, no. For sure, we don't want

anyone to feel judged or criticized or whatever.

And, like, some of the comments were like, as a room mom, I love Venmo

moms. And it's like, as a PTA and room mom, we appreciate the send

money moms. There's a place for everyone. And then a lot of

people were like, me too. Me too. Me too. And it made me

really think about how there are so many

ways to be a mom and that we all have certain

capacities and certain, like, amounts of

energy. And some of us don't have money, and we don't have time, and we

feel bad. Some of us can't be Venmo moms. We don't have cash,

and we don't have time because we're working to get some cash for our own

family. And it made me really think about how

often as a mom, it's so easy to compare

yourself to other moms and to judge yourself or

think that other people are judging you. Most of the time when

we think someone's judging us, it's probably because we have some

judgment about it. We have some discomfort. I love that this mom

just kinda came right out, and she's like, this is me, and I you know,

I'm not gonna be ashamed. I love that because now she's owning

her own story, and she's owning her own reality

and, like, being okay with her as a mom.

And that is so so so important that

you recognize that you're doing your best, that

you're doing what what is right for your family

or what what works for your kids or you or your

finances or your time or your energy. No one

knows what's going on in your life necessarily, and you don't

owe anybody an explanation. You don't

have to explain, well, I have a sick parent or I have a, you know,

child, a neurodivergent child or I have an ill child or I'm going through a

divorce, or, you know, I just got laid off, like, my husband got laid

off, whatever. You don't have to justify your

reason for saying no. Can you imagine just letting

your no be no? No. Thank you.

I'm not interested. I'm not available. I'm not open to volunteering this

year. That's not gonna work for me. And just being okay. This is one

of the things we have to work on with our own kids. Right? Being able

to, like, mom, can I have more TV time? And just say, no. That doesn't

work. And let them have their feelings about it. Let them have their thoughts about

it without trying to remind them, well, TV is bad for your brain, and

you don't you watch TV yesterday. And we sort of over

explain and over you know, try

to, help other people feel good

about our decision, and we want to, like, get their approval and

get their permission to say no or

justify our no by saying, oh, no. I don't volunteer, but I'm a Venmo mom.

That's fine. You can say whatever you want, but you just don't have to you

don't owe it. You just don't. You can just be you and be okay

with you. Now I had a couple thoughts

about volunteering in general and

what, like, the good, bad, and ugly about it. Because

one thing I've thought about a lot is that there's a lot of unpaid

labor in mom world, of course. Right?

Either I'm paying with time, I'm paying with money, or I'm paying with both

in order to get programs and things off the ground for our

kids. And there's a couple ways to think about

that. Like, one, maybe we don't need to be doing all this stuff for our

kids. Maybe our kids don't need, you know, a special snack

bag treat thing after every single game. Maybe they don't

need a bunch of donuts and, you know, licorice ropes

and whatever after playing a soccer game for 40

minutes. Maybe the snack mom thing isn't even necessary.

What are we doing? Your kids often will go an hour

without eating anything. Sure. If they're playing soccer, you might wanna

have some water bottles or, like, you know, some rehydration,

maybe a little bite of orange or 2. But do they need a big

huge bag of, like, fruit and all of this stuff when they've been

playing a game for 22 minutes, and then there's a 10 minute break?

It's like some of the stuff that everyone is expected to do

might not be necessary. We may be over over

parenting as a society and then creating, like,

too much work for ourselves. Really, is it necessary?

Right? Are these events necessary? So that's

something to just take take a step back maybe in a community

or in a group or, you know, be the courageous one and be like, hey.

I know we always do, like, the snack, but, like, it's not really necessary.

I've heard tons of moms complain after their kid

has played for 50 minutes, you know, in a little soccer game,

getting, like, 2 donuts, a Powerade, and a Nutter

Butter package to take home or whatever. And, like, they

don't want their kid having a bunch of junk at 10:30 in the morning.

I'm not even saying, like, you shouldn't give your kids junk. I'm just saying

it might not be necessary. And so you could suggest

to the team that maybe we don't need to do it. Maybe we can all

just bring our own snacks like we do for everything else in life.

Right? So the unpaid labor that

is happening, sometimes it is created because of, like,

unrealistic needs or, like, unnecessary needs, you know, things that we

don't need to be doing. And then, of course, what if it is necessary?

And then just recognizing that, yeah, it it's

not really fair for people to be expected,

like moms to to be expected or, you know, whoever the stay at home parent

is or the parent the primary parent to be giving all of their

time and energy and capacity to the school. It's

like, no. That's a huge sacrifice. And sure, it's recognized. And

but we don't need to feel bad if we don't wanna do it. You can

also give yourself some acknowledgment if you do do it

of, like, yeah. No. This actually isn't that great.

Like, it's not cool that we've built a society that

is dependent on the unpaid labor of parents.

Right? And maybe we can think differently as a as

a society of how we wanna support our children. And maybe all the

Venmo moms would like to all of us be Venmo moms and be like,

can we just hire somebody? Like, we don't wanna do this. So that's one of

there's a couple thoughts I had about, like, why do we do it in the

first place? Is it necessary? And then maybe can we out source it or think

about doing these things in a different way? Then as I've already talked about, like,

don't judge yourself. Like, if you don't wanna do it, don't do it. Who cares?

Leave it. You don't need to feel ashamed of yourself. You don't need to worry

about other people judging you. You're good enough exactly

as you are. The other thing I kinda wanna talk about this is gonna be

a weird take because I kinda wanna share

how much I got out of volunteering when my kids were in

elementary school. Not so much like cutting up, like, peeling a

bunch of cuties before, like, at 7:30 in the morning on a

Saturday. Like, no, I did not grow as a person because I peeled

cuties. But I was really active in

my child's, by children's elementary school

in there. They called it, Parent Faculty Association, the

PFA. Ours in particular was called CAPTINS, and it

stood for something like Collaborative Alliance of Parents, Teachers, and

Students. I was involved. I was started out, like, kind of as a the 1st

year, I didn't wanna do anything. I didn't know anything. I didn't know anybody. It

was like my kid entered school. And I don't remember if

we had a room parent or what happened, but I just noticed that other classes

were doing cool stuff. And I was like, well, I want my kid to

do cool stuff, particularly this one stone

soup, like, little Thanksgiving

festival. My kid's class didn't do it, and I don't remember why.

But then the next year, I was like, oh, I wanna make sure my kid

does the stone soup thing. So I became a room parent.

What was cool about it is that I got to know the teacher really well,

and I got to know the students in the class really well.

And I also got to meet new parents that maybe I wouldn't have met. I

had a bow I had boys, and so I got to meet some moms of

girls. I got to meet some of the working parents that maybe weren't. I was,

you know, mostly stay at home mom at that time. So I got to meet

some of the working parents and, like, connect with them and see how they

wanted to contribute and how to support the school or, like, be Venmo moms,

whatever. Like, I just got to meet a lot of people that, maybe I

wouldn't have met it before, and I enjoyed that

aspect of it. And then I got further involved. I

started to, like, you know, I was like, oh, I'll help I'll help with this

festival. And then, of course, in my my personality is very

leadership focused personality. So then I ended up, like, being in charge of

the Winter Fair Festival. And then, you know, the more

leadership stuff you do, kinda you get tapped for more leadership.

So if you don't want leadership roles, do not raise your hand because if you're

a natural leader, most likely you're gonna move forward. And you

can always say no. You can say yes to one thing

and then no to another. I did not have great

boundaries back then. I didn't really understand a power of no

that I could just say no, and I didn't give myself permission.

So I've learned a lot in over the years of, like, that I can

say no, but I can also say yes if I want. And

when I was, what, the president, you know, of the PFA,

PTA, I grew as a

person in so many levels. I grew

in my leadership. I grew my relational skills. I grew

at problem solving, conflict resolution. I learned Google

Docs back then. I didn't know anything about Google Docs. I didn't know how

to, organize, like, basically kind of a business.

I, you know, was money managing a $2,000,000 budget

and making decisions about that. Maybe it was 2,000,000. I don't actually remember. I

think it was, though, between reserves and, like, what you earn that

year. I don't maybe it wasn't you guys. I don't know. But it was a

lot of money. Okay? And, you know, I just, like,

really grew, and I used that experience as

an opportunity to grow. I had, you know, a lot of conflicts during that

time and a lot of of agony. You know, being

on the inside is cool. You have access to information.

You have access to, like, the the scoop, and maybe you can influence some

things that are important to you, which is great. And, also, there

comes with, like, a lot of demand and a lot of pressure and a lot

of time. And there was a huge cost to doing it, but it

worked for me, and I am glad I did.

Sometimes, like, the reverse is true. Like, the Venmo mom is

judged as being, you know, checked out and avoidant and

whatever. And, like, who care? Don't you don't need to think about those things. I

don't think those things of people who are sending money and not

volunteering. I'm like, yeah. Good for you kinda.

But there's also the reverse of the moms that are really hyper

involved and the moms that are doing the volunteering.

Like, there's a comment on this page that says, as a

teacher, you would have been my favorite parents. I'm sorry. But the room mom

I've had are so snobby and gossipy. I would have just liked

you. And there is sort of a, like,

this is a anxious mom who doesn't let their kids just be, or this

is like a hyper you know, a perfectionist mom. There's a there's

a PTA mom judgment as well. I would

love to encourage you to not buy

into any one particular stereotype and find your

own voice and your own choice

and do what you wanna do. And if you wanna be involved in school,

it it doesn't necessarily mean that you're, like, hyper

controlling or anxious or whatever. You might just really be a

little bit bored and restless as a homemaker. You might wanna challenge. You

might really wanna be involved or meet new people, be challenged in

new ways. And that's great. So I

did say, you know, the good, the bad, and the ugly of volunteering. Some of

the good is the growth opportunities. Some of the bad is like the cost of

time and, you know, energy focused on it. And then the ugly is the drama

when you are involved really in any organization, but

particularly with elementary school moms, that

period of time, especially early elementary moms

tend to be, you know, if it's your first kid, like, you don't really

know what, like, what's normal, what's not, what to

expect. You want your kid to be socially accepted, academically

challenged, emotionally well cared for. Like, you have a lot of

expectations, and you have a lot of hopes and dreams and needs and fears

and all of that. And you're not the only one. And

so you put a group of women together and and men. I don't mean it

to just I don't mean to sound like this is just for women. But for

the most part, it is. It's women and and moms. But

you put a lot of that energy together, that anxious energy and

that high standard energy, perfectionist energy, whatever it is,

people fearful and highly invested.

You you're going to have some chaos. You're gonna have a bit of drama.

There's going to be gossip and hurt feelings, things like

that. And I learned the hard way. I got into trouble.

I tried really hard, of course, to be in my integrity and not talk

badly about people and not intentionally isolate anyone or exclude

anyone. I've always had those values. But, you know, it's

complicated sometimes when you have somebody who is very

squeaky and they want to get what they want for their kid or for

their class and harsh about it, or they go they're manipulative about it,

or they'd start a rumor about you. And it can be very

dramatic. Sometimes that can turn people off of

volunteering because it can get really snarky in there.

I would love to offer that it doesn't have to be

that ugly and that complicated and that you can,

go into these environments and just do your job and stay neutral and,

you know, maybe not get into the gossip and not get into the drama

and be very compassionate and kind when someone

is expressing a desire or an idea or a

hope. And you're like, oh, Let's think about that. Like,

let's, you know, or what go wrong with that. Let's see what happens. Maybe you're

a little become a little more open. So when you're in leadership positions

and you're kind of in the mix, it can get

complicated. It can be a place where a lot of

almost, like, high school drama gets played out.

We revisit that high school's nature sometimes with moms

of, elementary school kids. And I think it's that insecurity

that we had in high school. We bring it back into

the elementary years experience with the other

moms. And it's not insecurity for ourselves. It's insecurity for

our kids. So doubling down on big picture parenting

vision, like long term, does this really matter?

Do I trust my kid's gonna be okay? Our

conflicts and and complications and

sad hard things. Is that good for my kid or

not? And I believe it is. I think when your child is in a classroom

that's challenging that the teacher isn't not, of course,

like a terrible, terrible teacher, but a teacher that they don't jive with or a

friend group that they're not in, that those things are good, that

they're healthy, that they help your kid grow, especially if you're

compassionate and calm and walk them through it in a loving

way. Some of the anxiety that comes in that

that's the that's the reason for the drama a lot of times. It's

because of the adults feeling

insecure about their children, their access, or like, are they gonna

be influenced? Are they gonna have the best teachers, the best

experiences? And we kinda think, like, if it's not the best or

the most ideal that it's not good. And

I am suggesting that when it's not

ideal, that that's where resilience is forged. That's

where your children grow. If you bulldoze and,

you know, manipulate and constantly intervene and

intercept your child from negative circumstances, they

are missing an opportunity to grow and develop. Now if your kid is

truly in the wrong fit, wrong school or wrong classroom,

got really wise and quiet, and you're like, okay. No. No matter what, this

is not working. Then, of course, run that up the chain.

Talk to your teacher first. Talk to the principal. Get a

team meeting. See if you can problem solve. But I recommend that

you not go to the peers, not go to

the other moms and start talking badly about other people's children

or talking badly about a teacher or or sowing

negative thoughts and negative feelings in your community.

Like, you can be a voice of love and hope and compassion, not just in

your family, but in the communities that you find yourself in. So

this is what I wanna leave you with. Whether you are a

Venmo mom or a hands on volunteer mom

or a mix between the 2, let's commit to not judge each

other. Let's commit to love each other and appreciate each

other. Let's commit to not judging ourselves.

Let's commit to loving and appreciating ourselves. No

matter how you show up as a mom,

you get to believe that you're doing a good job.

You get to trust yourself. You get to take

excellent care of yourself, whether that means volunteering

or not volunteering. You have the permission

to show up as the mom that you wanna be, and you

get to create what that looks like. You get to try things. And if they

don't work, you get to stop doing them. You get to quit things. You get

to say yes, and you get to say no. You get to change your

mind. That's what I wanna leave you with. You get to be you in

whatever way you show up as a mom, As

long as you're not yelling at your kids. Just teasing.

If you are and you need support, you wanna become a calm mama at a

deeper deeper level, of course, reach out to me, and we can talk about

working together. And I can tell you about the calm mama club.

I can tell you about my 1 on 1 private program and get you

resourced and get you into deeper and deeper levels of

self love, self appreciation, and positive mindset.

Alright. I hope you have a great week, and I'm really

wishing you a wonderful, wonderful school year as everything starts to kick

off. Alright. I will talk to you next time.