[00:00:00] Lisa: Hurry up, take the end of the banner and put it up there.

[00:00:03] Henry: Are you sure it's still gonna work? It says Congrats Konica.

[00:00:07] Lisa: It's their couple name.

[00:00:09] Angela: I heard they're breaking up today.

[00:00:11] Lisa: Okay, well, we can still celebrate their journey apart and make it a positive experience for the both of them.

[00:00:15] Brian: You couldn't return the banner, could you?

[00:00:17] Lisa: Yeah. No. And Congee Village wouldn't accept the last minute cancellation either. Money doesn't grow on trees. Brian!

[00:00:24] Brian: I thought you were Louis rich.

[00:00:26] Lisa: Between Kevin's relationship, sh**, my mom's vacation sh** and my hot girl sh** is getting a little tight. But I show up for my day ones.

[00:00:33] Henry: Okay, okay. Okay. Geez, did he, didn't he say that last week they were gonna do an exchange of stuff today?

[00:00:39] Henry: Doesn't that mean it's over?

[00:00:40] Sanjay: Wait, he's going over there to pick up his sh**. f***

[00:00:45] Angela: It depends on the girl.

[00:00:46] Lisa: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It depends on how she dresses. If she shows up looking super hot, it can be a last-ditch effort to win 'em back. Or if she shows up, dressed up super hot with a friend, then she's giving her you f***ed up vibe.

[00:00:57] Lisa: And if she shows up alone in gym clothes, ehhh, it's over.

[00:01:01] Kevin: And what happens if she flakes, buddy? Oh, this is nice.

[00:01:08] Lisa: Kevy. You're not supposed to be here yet. I haven't finished setting up and we didn't have time to hide and then jump out and then say surprise.

[00:01:14] Kevin: I know. I'm sorry, Lisa. I wanted to let you know that Monica won't be coming.

[00:01:19] Angela: Really? I had no idea.

[00:01:22] Kevin: Yeah, we had a really bad fight. I think it's over for sure.

[00:01:27] Henry: But she didn't pick up her stuff right. So that's good.

[00:01:31] Kevin: No, I don't think so. And honestly, I don't think it could be fixed after everything that happened.

[00:01:37] Sanjay: Do you wanna talk about it and then maybe after we can run a risk analysis for the odds of your relationship survival?

[00:01:43] Kevin: I, I'm not even sure why it ended, but I blame it on superstition.

[00:01:49] Brian: What the hell happened, man? Did monica and you walk in front of a black cat or something?

[00:01:53] Kevin: No. Way worse. I don't know how it's possible to find the love of your life and then lose her within three weeks. That's the cruelty of the universe, I guess.

[00:02:03] Kevin: We were happy. Like, really happy. And then my parents got involved. And I know it's a sh**ty excuse and I bet you're all... well, how long can Kevin blame his parents for his problems? And the answer is, as an Asian man, all of your life, especially when you live with them.

[00:02:20] Brian: I made that mistake with Lily, hence the breakup. And now that I'm super alone and I'll never fulfill my mother's wish of having grandchildren, I rely on material goods, like Lisa's Louis bag.

[00:02:33] Lisa: Oh, did it work?

[00:02:34] Brian: Oh, no. No, and I'm incredibly depressed about it.

[00:02:38] Lisa: Then can I have a back?

[00:02:40] Brian: My mom already wore it to church, so I'm gonna say it's too late.

[00:02:44] Angela: How in God's name did your parents get involved at such a prescient stage of the relationship? I mean, weren't you together for only, like, three weeks?

[00:02:52] Kevin: Yeah, three glorious weeks. It was right when you get into that comfortable rhythm of getting to know someone, but you haven't really gotten to know them. You know? Right. When you start to think, i'm pretty sure she's the one, so I gotta wash behind my ears. I gotta check my teeth in the mirror 'cause I want to be perfect for her, too. The first time I stayed over at Monnie's house, I was super nervous.

[00:03:16] Monica: Make yourself at home.

[00:03:17] Kevin: But it turned out to be for nothing. We had great chemistry. We loved all the same first person shooters. We both knew all the words to Whitney Houston's The Bodyguard soundtrack. And sure, it was one thing to finish each other's senses, to make each other laugh. But would we have sexual chemistry?

[00:03:41] Monica: It's perfect.

[00:03:42] Kevin: And like the beginning of every relationship, we had gotten into the cycle of, you know, going at it. Also, I'm learning a lot about her, uh, like the fact that she's been studying sketch, comedy, and improv for years. She's a, she's a really good actor.

[00:03:59] Monica: Frank, the plane's about to take off! Make love to me before it's too late.

[00:04:03] Kevin: Mon, can we turn the fan down? Stuff is flying everywhere.

[00:04:07] Monica: Yes, AND, Frank.

[00:04:10] Kevin: Right, right, right. Yes. Rachel! Is flying everywhere.

[00:04:15] Kevin: Every time I stayed over, Monica made me a green smoothie and a big pot of coffee.

[00:04:19] Monica: I made you a fresh cup and a smoothie to go!

[00:04:22] Kevin: Oh, thanks, babe. But on the third time I slept over, I woke up alone. I wandered around the apartment and found her sitting at the table just brooding.

[00:04:34] Kevin: Hey babe?

[00:04:35] Monica: Hey.

[00:04:37] Kevin: Is there coffee?

[00:04:39] Monica: Why don't we ever stay at your place?

[00:04:42] Angela: f***.

[00:04:44] Henry: Yo. She cornered you, man.

[00:04:47] Kevin: I knew right away it was a trap. No coffee, no smoothie. The solitary seat at the table, the pensive glare. Look, white women know how to jerry rig a confrontation better than anyone.

[00:04:59] Kevin: I had to be super careful about my next move.

[00:05:02] Kevin: Well, it's a huge step to come over to my place, mostly because I'd have to introduce you to my parents. I didn't think that was a good idea with where we're at. So I didn't assume you wanted to take that giant leap.

[00:05:19] Monica: You know? I was hoping you'd ask.

[00:05:21] Kevin: No, I, I don't think you understand. You're going to have to meet my parents. Aren't you scared of that?

[00:05:28] Brian: I'm scared.

[00:05:30] Angela: You should have given a trigger warning about Asian parents meeting white girlfriends, Kevin.

[00:05:33] Kevin: I know. Sorry.

[00:05:35] Monica: No, I'm not scared in the least. I wanna know more about your life. I love you.

[00:05:41] Lisa: Wait, what the f***?

[00:05:43] Sanjay: Wow. Solid negotiation strategy right there.

[00:05:46] Henry: She said, I love, love you.

[00:05:52] Lisa: I feel sad for you, Henry. Have you really never been in love?

[00:05:55] Henry: Why commit when you can quietly quit? That's way less heartbreak for you.

[00:05:59] Brian: Ugh, I'm so f***ing single.

[00:06:02] Angela: Does this place have a de-fib in case this story kills Brian?

[00:06:05] Brian: Angela, I feel super invalidated by you right now.

[00:06:08] Lisa: She said she loves you, Kevin! Oh my God. Maybe she'll still show up in the huge deposit I made won't go to waste!

[00:06:16] Kevin: I don't think so. Not after what happened.

[00:06:19] Kevin: I did what I could to start preparing her. I quizzed her on all the different dynasties in China. I instructed her to never sit in dad's massage chair, and I taught her how to remove her shoes as soon as she got into the door.

[00:06:32] Kevin: Then one day she said--

[00:06:34] Monica: Hey, I, I really wanna buy your parents a gift, like to commemorate things and make a good impression, but I, I want it to be something that they'd like. What do you think that I should get them?

[00:06:43] Kevin: Well, I mean, they're not really gift people.

[00:06:47] Monica: Come on. What do they like to do? Or, or eat? Or, or maybe they like movies.

[00:06:53] Kevin: Well, other than hitting me and going to church, I don't know.

[00:06:57] Monica: They hit you?

[00:06:58] Kevin: They cook a lot. They like that. They really like cooking.

[00:07:02] Monica: Great.

[00:07:04] Kevin: The plan was simple. Monica was going to come over for dinner on Thursday, and that left me with three days to somehow tell my Asian Christian parents that I had fallen madly in love with an Irish Staten Island bartender.

[00:07:18] Brian: So what do you tell them?

[00:07:20] Kevin: I came up with something so great. So foolproof, so genius.

[00:07:25] Angela: And what was that?

[00:07:26] Kevin: An excuse.

[00:07:27] Henry: So you didn't tell them ?

[00:07:29] Kevin: Exactly. I got rid of them the only way I knew how: I bought them two tickets to Atlantic City on the Chinatown bus.

[00:07:36] Henry: That's a solid strategy, bro.

[00:07:38] Lisa: Ooh, those are hard to pass up.

[00:07:40] Kevin: It wasn't as easy as you'd think.

[00:07:43] Ty: What'd you buy these for?

[00:07:44] Kevin: Nothing. I, I thought you might like to go.

[00:07:47] Ty: When have you ever cared about things we like?

[00:07:49] Anita: Why Thursday?

[00:07:50] Kevin: Uh, Thursday, they're, they're having a, a big prize.

[00:07:53] Ty: How big?

[00:07:55] Kevin: A hundred thousand dollars.

[00:07:57] Anita: 100,000, please. Your liberal arts degree costs twice that.

[00:08:03] Ty: You better whip some butt at that baccarat table.

[00:08:06] Kevin: Come on. I, I can't return them. I also have a, a. $88 cash for you, which was, it was a voucher that was given to me.

[00:08:14] Ty: 88 buckaroos. My lucky day!

[00:08:18] Kevin: When I went to pick Monica up, I tell her they had something come up at the last minute. It'd just be us on the tour.

[00:08:25] Kevin: I could show her my place, we could play some Rocket League, maybe engage in some light mouth stuff, and then I'd drive her back to Staten Island.

[00:08:33] Henry: Is she any good at Rocket League? Because we just had someone drop off our team. He was based in Russia, and the time difference was kind of killing us.

[00:08:39] Angela: They broke up.

[00:08:40] Henry: Isn't this party about like new beginnings? I can't ask her to join?

[00:08:44] Angela: So was her leaving related to the mouth stuff?

[00:08:47] Monica: I really hope I make a good impression. How do I look?

[00:08:51] Kevin: She was wearing her best flannel. I could tell.

[00:08:54] Monica: Oh God, I can still go change.

[00:08:57] Kevin: No, you look perfect. But look, I have to apologize right now. My parents had something come up and they won't be home.

[00:09:07] Monica: What?

[00:09:08] Kevin: Ugh. I know. It's horrible. I really wanted you all to meet. I bought all this food for dinner and I got all dressed up. I can't believe they couldn't make it. It's so rude, isn't it? You know what? We don't have to go to my place. The night's ruined. Let's just stay here.

[00:09:26] Monica: No, no, no, no. I, I still wanna go see your place. Maybe you can give them my gift for me.

[00:09:31] Kevin: Oh, okay. We can still go. What is it?

[00:09:36] Monica: You'll see.

[00:09:40] Monica: Wow. This is so homey.

[00:09:44] Kevin: She just walked right in, forgot to take off her shoes. I didn't want to correct her. I quickly began calculating how long it would take me to mop, and if I could get it done before my parents returned. Hopefully, they were never gonna know.

[00:09:58] Brian: Wow, that's real love right there.

[00:10:01] Lisa: Maybe she just forgot.

[00:10:02] Henry: How do you, just forget you wore sh** covered shoes into someone's clean house?

[00:10:07] Lisa: How do you know they're sh** covered?

[00:10:09] Everyone: It's New York!

[00:10:10] Monica: Oh, this is a great idea. Remotes are always so hard to clean.

[00:10:15] Kevin: Well, please, please don't touch that.

[00:10:17] Monica: Sorry. It's just so interesting to see the home where you grew up. That says so much about you.

[00:10:24] Kevin: Really, what's that back scratcher over there next to the TV say?

[00:10:29] Monica: That you never had an itch you couldn't reach.

[00:10:33] Kevin: You are not wrong. It has been used all over my body.

[00:10:38] Monica: See, I love learning new things about you.

[00:10:41] Kevin: Um, maybe you can learn something not in the living room, like the recipe for the dinner we're gonna make.

[00:10:46] Kevin: Come on, let's go. Let's see who we need. Black bean sauce. And this fish.

[00:10:55] Monica: What's this?

[00:10:56] Kevin: That's the rice cooker, which we need actually. Um, why don't you make rice while I work on this fish? I bought fish because, you know, you're from an island.

[00:11:07] Monica: Wow. That's so thoughtful of you. Sure. I can work on the rice. How do I do it exactly?

[00:11:13] Kevin: Well, you just throw the rice inside with some water, and then you fill the water up to this part of your finger. It's the first knuckle.

[00:11:21] Lisa: Well, wait. You don't wash your rice first?

[00:11:23] Henry: You were okay with the shoe wearing, but not the rice washing.

[00:11:26] Lisa: You have to wash your rice, kevy.

[00:11:28] Henry: Shoes in the kitchen.

[00:11:32] Sanjay: Is that how that works? The finger trick? Is it? Is it the knuckle? That's

[00:11:35] Angela: uh, yeah. Yeah. It's that one. It's the first one, yeah.

[00:11:37] Brian: Well, actually, most rice you buy in the store is fortified, so when you wash it, you're rinsing all the nutrients down the drain.

[00:11:43] Lisa: Okay. How do you get a fluffy then, brian?

[00:11:44] Henry: Brian's giving me the ick.

[00:11:46] Angela: All right. All right, let's take a vote. Do you wash or not wash your rice? All for washing, say aye.

[00:11:52] Everyone: Aye!

[00:11:53] Brian: Oh, come on.

[00:11:54] Monica: This rice cooker is so cute.

[00:11:57] Kevin: Okay, let's just cut up some scallions. Throw some black bean sauce on the fish. Add some salt here.

[00:12:08] Monica: Wow.

[00:12:09] Kevin: What?

[00:12:09] Monica: You're so sexy when you cook.

[00:12:11] Kevin: Oh, you mean like this?

[00:12:15] Monica: Mmmm.

[00:12:18] Kevin: We started stumbling down the stairs towards the basement to my room.

[00:12:25] Monica: Season me, salt bae, season me!

[00:12:27] Anita: Kevin? Hello?

[00:12:31] Kevin: They weren't supposed to be home for hours.

[00:12:32] Ty: Kevin? What's all the smoke?

[00:12:36] Kevin: This can't be happening. Kevin, where's my flannel?

[00:12:40] Anita: Kevin, who did this to the rice cracker?

[00:12:43] Kevin: Mom, Kevin, you're home early.

[00:12:46] Ty: Kevin, what?

[00:12:48] Kevin: Don't come down here.

[00:12:50] Ty: The rice cooker was on fire. Oh, I, Kevin brought a girl home.

[00:12:58] Ty: Nice to meet you.

[00:12:59] Monica: Nice to meet you, too.

[00:13:01] Ty: Are those your pants?

[00:13:02] Monica: Oh, thanks.

[00:13:04] Henry: Damn. Monica's a baddie.

[00:13:05] Sanjay: And she's into brown dudes, apparently.

[00:13:07] Brian: Ah, that's my worst nightmare. I don't think I could ever face my parents again if I were you.

[00:13:12] Kevin: Well, I did shortly after.

[00:13:16] Ty: Yeah, we got stopped right at the Holland Tunnel. They had hundreds of cartons of cigarettes strapped to the bottom of the bus. Can you believe it? Smugglers in Chinatown?

[00:13:25] Kevin: Uh, Well, yeah.

[00:13:27] Monica: I'm so glad you're okay though.

[00:13:29] Ty: Oh, thank you. Uh, you know, I'm sorry, I, I never got your name.

[00:13:33] Monica: Oh. Uh, it, uh, it's Monica.

[00:13:37] Anita: Dinner's ready.

[00:13:41] Monica: Can you tell her I, I'm really sorry about the rice cooker, I can get her a new one.

[00:13:44] Kevin: I still don't know how you managed to break it.

[00:13:47] Monica: How was I supposed to know it has a bowl that goes on the inside? All you said was fill it up to the knuckle with water.

[00:13:53] Kevin: Yeah. In the bowl.

[00:13:55] Anita: Sorry. There's no rice. Uh, uh, please. Monica,

[00:13:59] Monica: I'm so sorry.

[00:14:02] Monica: I'll replace your rice cooker.

[00:14:03] Anita: That's okay. It's too expensive for you, anyway.

[00:14:07] Ty: Don't worry about it. I've been meaning to go keto anyways. You know, we've had the same one for years and it's about time to replace it.

[00:14:15] Anita: Ty.

[00:14:16] Monica: Wow, this looks great.

[00:14:18] Kevin: Then she did the unthinkable. Before even taking a bite. She salted it.

[00:14:24] Kevin: I felt my mother's eyes cut into me like daggers. Monica continued to shake the tiny pieces of salt onto the fish, and I watched as they dropped onto the filet one by one, as if in bullet time, the only thing worse was the sound that came next.

[00:14:41] Lisa: Oh, that dreaded sound.

[00:14:43] Angela: No wonder y'all broke up.

[00:14:45] Brian: But is that worse than--

[00:14:49] Sanjay: when I look You f*** up.

[00:14:51] Sanjay: Like if I ever forget to take out the trash or something, my mom will gimme a... and one time I forgot to pick up the sparklers for my family's Diwali party and she gave me a...

[00:15:00] Lisa: it sounds like it was the last one.

[00:15:02] Sanjay: Oh no, that's, that's f***ing bad.

[00:15:04] Henry: And dinner just went on after this. How?

[00:15:07] Kevin: Well, I think two things were happening.

[00:15:10] Kevin: My dad was low key into me being with a white girl, and my mom was straight up terrified to have a white girl in the house.

[00:15:16] Angela: Come on. Really?

[00:15:17] Lisa: Nah, I believe it. My mom gets very eloquent when she's trying to use four coupons at Macy's. She smiles so wide that I feel like she might bust the lip.

[00:15:25] Brian: It must be that model minority thing that clicks in total defense mechanism.

[00:15:30] Brian: You see, my dad did the same thing when he had a company outing once. I think it was like a golf game or a, was it a fishing trip? Anyways, it was something. But he bought all this gear. Anything he could get his hands on at the sporting goods store and then obsessively practice his swing for a week in the garage alone.

[00:15:47] Lisa: Mm-hmm.

[00:15:47] Angela: Uh, I dunno, I I don't think I've ever seen my mom do that.

[00:15:51] Henry: Okay. That's 'cause she's in phase two of model minority mode. She's on her like, oh, I married a white man. So I too am white thing.

[00:15:59] Angela: I think you're right.

[00:16:01] Ty: So Monica, what kind of job do you have?

[00:16:05] Monica: Oh, uh, I'm a bartender.

[00:16:06] Ty: How fun. At your school?

[00:16:08] Monica: No, I, I actually didn't go to college and I'm way past that age, but I'll take that as a compliment.

[00:16:14] Anita: You didn't go to school?

[00:16:16] Monica: Nope. I was enrolled, but I decided to leave. It just wasn't for me.

[00:16:20] Ty: A girl who knows what she wants. Nice.

[00:16:23] Monica: Oh, I, I, I got you both a gift. It's just a little something to say, Thank you for dinner.

[00:16:29] Anita: Uh, I'll open it later. Thank you. Not necessary.

[00:16:33] Monica: Open it. I I think you're really gonna like it. Kevin said you liked to cook.

[00:16:38] Anita: GASP...!!!

[00:16:40] Ty: What is it, honey? I, I think she likes it.

[00:16:43] Monica: Knives. A set of knives for, for bread, meat, chopping, and pairing.

[00:16:48] Anita: Four knives. I knew it. You are trying to sever Kevin from our family. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What? You want us to die so you can take our Kevin from us?

[00:16:58] Monica: No, no, no, no. I think there's been a huge misunderstanding.

[00:17:00] Anita: Wait, it's that a shoe print on my carpet?

[00:17:05] Kevin: Oh no. Her eyes locked onto Monica's shoe print.

[00:17:10] Anita: Get out.

[00:17:12] Monica: Uh, I'm sorry. What?

[00:17:15] Anita: Get out of here.

[00:17:19] Kevin: Oh my God. You keep asking me why I am not married. This is why.

Marker

---

[00:17:27] Monica: What the f*** just happened?

[00:17:28] Kevin: I'm so sorry.

[00:17:30] Monica: Why did she throw me out like that?

[00:17:32] Kevin: Well, you gave her four knives.

[00:17:35] Monica: It was a gift.

[00:17:36] Kevin: There's a superstition in Chinese culture. If you give someone a knife, you are cutting them outta your life.

[00:17:42] Monica: Are you kidding?

[00:17:43] Kevin: Yeah. And then the on four being the number of death.

[00:17:47] Monica: This is about superstitions.

[00:17:49] Kevin: I told you not to get a gift.

[00:17:51] Monica: What? Okay, so this is my fault.

[00:17:52] Kevin: And also the shoes in the house.

[00:17:54] Monica: I forgot!

[00:17:55] Kevin: And you salted your food before you tasted it. Don't you think that's a little rude? Can't you see how my mom would react like that? And how my dad would, actually, he liked. Like a lot more than he should.

[00:18:07] Monica: Are you kidding me right now? You know what's rude? You letting your mom treat me like that over a bunch of superstitions!

[00:18:14] Kevin: Well, I didn't even want you to meet them. I tried to make sure this didn't happen.

[00:18:18] Monica: You what?

[00:18:18] Kevin: Yeah, I sent them away for the day, but then the goddamn Chinatown bus turned around and now look at what we're at.

[00:18:25] Monica: You know what? I'm glad it did. Because otherwise, I mean, who knows how long I'd go before I realized that you're such a huge asshole.

[00:18:36] Kevin: Come on, Monica.

[00:18:37] Monica: I'm leaving and since he's the only one who seems to care, tell your dad goodbye.

[00:18:42] Kevin: Wait, don't you want me to at least drive you home? No, I'll walk. You live on an island.

[00:18:47] Monica: I'll swim if I have to!

[00:18:50] Anita: Kevin, get in here now.

[00:18:52] Monica: Go.

[00:18:56] Anita: Kevin, your father, and I agree. We don't approve with this girl.

[00:19:00] Kevin: Mom, you caught her on a really off day. She's great. She didn't mean to put a death omen on you with a bunch of knives. Plus, she's always reminding me to call you back, so she definitely doesn't want to have me all to herself.

[00:19:14] Ty: Yeah, that death thing's not a good look, but come on, hun.

[00:19:18] Ty: Look, she seems great. She's cute, really fun. And come on. It's not like she gave you a pair of shoes.

[00:19:26] Kevin: Shoes are worse than knives? Who thinks of this sh**?

[00:19:30] Anita: This is our house. You've cursed us, our house, and the rice cooker. If you want to be with this girl, then you can't be here with her. Hmm?

[00:19:39] Kevin: Are you kicking me out?

[00:19:41] Ty: Wait, we're kicking him out? Come on, sinisinta ko. What if we let our parents break us up, too? You know, it took a while to learn about each other. Remember when I got your dad that watch? All the sabong I won to get him that Rolex Oyster, and then he smashed it to pieces right in front of me with a cleaver. It was a tough time, but if we didn't get through all that.

[00:20:07] Ty: We wouldn't have our Kevin!

[00:20:09] Anita: Don't make me kick you out too.

[00:20:12] Brian: f*** dude.

[00:20:13] Angela: I mean, I'm mostly on your side except the rice cooker thing. That's pretty hard to f*** up.

[00:20:19] Kevin: She's Irish. They don't have rice cookers in Ireland.

[00:20:22] Angela: She's Staten Island Irish. She definitely has a crockpot. That's almost the same thing.

[00:20:27] Kevin: She hasn't answered a call or a text since.

[00:20:30] Henry: I guess she pulled an Irish goodbye.

[00:20:35] Brian: Not funny.

[00:20:36] Henry: I, I, I think I could use that in my tight five

[00:20:39] Lisa: Kevy. You didn't really defend her.

[00:20:41] Kevin: I've tried to call her for like five days. She hasn't answered a single thing.

[00:20:48] Ty: Are we really doing this? I mean, $200 for some dating advice seems really steep.

[00:20:54] Anita: This guy is worth every penny. I've been coming here every stage of Kevin's life, and he's never let me down. Well, except for Kevin's, SAT scores.

[00:21:05] Ty: Hun, why can't you just accept Monica? I have! You know, it'd be less expensive and less painful for all of us. I mean, look, look at our son. He's wearing the same red shirt for four days. He smells like a feral dog. Can we just let bygones be bygones?

[00:21:23] Anita: Eh, it's too late. I returned the knife set and used the money to pay for this session. Eh, hurry up. It's starting!

[00:21:30] Kevin: To cheer me up, my parents took me to a fortune teller. There we were, all across the table from this corny ass dude and a robe in his dingy, flushing apartment.

[00:21:40] Spiritual Advisor: Give me your hands. Ugh!

[00:21:43] Kevin: What is it?

[00:21:45] Spiritual Advisor: Have you heard of moisturizer? The sh**'s embarrassing. Also, you might want to try an improv class. It'll bring your role playing to the next level.

[00:21:55] Kevin: How did you...?

[00:21:56] Spiritual Advisor: it's very fascinating. Would never have pegged you as such a freak.

[00:22:00] Ty: Well, he's a free spirit like his daddy.

[00:22:02] Spiritual Advisor: Your ashy hands have given some insight. But I'll need more. Did you bring the boy's birth certificate for the 八字?

[00:22:12] Anita: Yes, I got it. Oh, this is the original. Be careful with it.

[00:22:18] Angela: Oh, birth certificate, man, I've never seen mine in the flesh. My mom keeps it in a safe, in a discreet location.

[00:22:24] Kevin: Mine too. But the 八字 the most important part of the reading.

[00:22:29] Spiritual Advisor: Oh, very, very interesting.

[00:22:31] Anita: Really. What is it?

[00:22:34] Spiritual Advisor: Well, uh, first of all, you've been sleeping in the wrong direction. Northeast. No, no, no. That's bad. And you gotta change up your drip. None of this red sh** only wear blue and green.

[00:22:55] Kevin: But Monica got this from me. I thought red was lucky.

[00:22:58] Spiritual Advisor: It is. But not for you.

[00:23:02] Spiritual Advisor: I'm gonna be honest. Your son dodged a bullet. You were headed towards a nasty, nasty divorce with this Staten Island lumberjack.

[00:23:13] Kevin: Bartender.

[00:23:14] Spiritual Advisor: Right, sorry. I was seeing flannel. Very bad color scheme for your 八字, by the way. Anyway, your fate has changed now that this woman is out of your life. You're gonna meet the true love of your life in church 10 years from now. You don't even know this woman yet. And of course, she is also lovely.

[00:23:35] Anita: And ?

[00:23:36] Spiritual Advisor: And she's Chinese.

[00:23:39] Anita: Thank you. Thank you. 拜神拜佛! oh, Kevin, you see? Mommy just want you to be happy here, please!

[00:23:45] Ty: More money?

[00:23:46] Spiritual Advisor: Thank you. Thank you. Um, now my session has made me wary. I am going to retire.

[00:23:55] Kevin: Yeah. This session has also made me weary, so I'm gonna go to the bathroom and, uh, cry, uh, because I'm happy or whatever.

[00:24:11] Kevin: Monica... !

[00:24:12] Spiritual Advisor: Hey, kid, listen. I can see you're really upset and uh, I just want you to know you did have a great love on your hands, one for the ages. Um, I don't know what happened, but if it's not too late, you should go after her.

[00:24:28] Kevin: But what about the reading? You said, I didn't meet the love of my life yet.

[00:24:33] Spiritual Advisor: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:24:34] Spiritual Advisor: The, the reading. But, uh, let, let, let's, let's just say, uh, I, I do these for the parents. It's what you wanted to hear for a couple hundo. You gotta read your audience and give them what they want to hear. You know? It's called crowd work. Keeps on coming back. So, yeah. Don't let, uh, love of your life get away now.

[00:24:51] Kevin: Wait, so can I have my money back?

[00:24:54] Spiritual Advisor: Listen, I gave you your fortune, didn't I? Plus I can't give it back. It'd be bad luck.

[00:25:01] Kevin: These f***ing stupidsitions. I knew what I had to do. Maybe Monica hit Irish goodbye, but I had to give this one last shot.

[00:25:14] Kevin: Hey Monica, uh, it's me, Kevin. Um. I am an idiot. I let stupidstitions get in the way of the one thing that I truly believe in. F*** my parents. I'm sorry, I, I wanna make things right. Please, Monica, come to the party. Um, I wanna fix this.

[00:25:42] Kevin: So, yeah, I guess that's all I could do. I guess this was an Irish goodbye after all.

[00:25:48] Henry: f*** that is depressing.

[00:25:52] Brian: Everything is depressing.

[00:25:53] Sanjay: Well, you know what's not depressing? Henry has his first set at the fat black pussycat in an hour. Let's f***ing go. Let's get Kevin drunk.

[00:26:02] Henry: Thanks, Sanje. Best manager ever.

[00:26:04] Sanjay: We can put it on your new business card!

[00:26:06] Lisa: You're still going through with this?

[00:26:08] Henry: I've committed to comedy. Isn't that what you want, Lisa? Look, I did you a favor. I saw Konica crashing and burning last week. Consider my show a contingency plan.

[00:26:17] Henry: Come on, people. Come on, be more supportive than Kevin's whack a** parents and come to my set!

[00:26:22] Kevin: I mean, I could use a laugh.

[00:26:24] Henry: Right? Let's f***ing go, Lisa?

[00:26:27] Lisa: Uh, I guess I'll go if someone helps me get this banner back down.

[00:26:34] Angela: Hey, uh, Brian, are you gonna come?

[00:26:36] Brian: Uh, I think I'm going to just go home and wallow. I'm just feeling kind of hopeless right now.

[00:26:44] Angela: Oh, I'm sorry. Have you been working through it with your therapist?

[00:26:50] Brian: Okay. I lied. I lied. I lied. I lied. I don't have a therapist. I've never had one.

[00:26:55] Angela: Really? But you're always talking in like, shrink speak.

[00:26:59] Brian: I know, I, I just read a bunch of self-help books at the library, so I'd sound like put together. But, uh, yeah. Truth is I'm too depressed about needing to see someone about being depressed. You know? My mom's always telling me to just be happy, and I don't know, I just... don't get why I can't do just that and not spiral.

[00:27:19] Angela: I feel you. Look, I know it can be scary. Trying it for the first time when you come from a culture who thinks all mental illness is cured by dissociation and cut fruit.

[00:27:29] Angela: But here, let me, um, let me give you my therapist card. She's really cool. She has really diverse clientele. I think you'd gel.

[00:27:38] Brian: Thanks. I'll think about it.

[00:27:41] Henry: Okay. Come on, Brian. It's my first real set. I need your unrelenting criticism so I can become a better comedian. Right, please?

[00:27:50] Brian: Okay. Okay. Okay. I'll come. I'll come.

[00:27:52] Henry: Oh yes, let's go.

[00:28:01] Henry: I knew it. Oh my gosh. No show always means she's still copping feels.

[00:28:05] Lisa: Would you stuff it? Moni. Hey!

[00:28:09] Kevin: Monica, you didn't Irish goodbye.

[00:28:13] Monica: I got your message. I thought about it, but I wanted to give you a chance to hear you out.

[00:28:20] Lisa: We'll let you two. Chat. Bye Moni.

[00:28:24] Brian: Bye. Kevin, you got this.

[00:28:28] Monica: So what do you have to say?

[00:28:31] Kevin: Monica, I went to a fortune teller and um, even though the guy is a complete hack--

[00:28:41] Monica: You too? I thought you hated superstitions.

[00:28:43] Kevin: I do. I look, I don't believe in any of it, but that guy taught me something. It's that you and I have a magic together and stronger than any sticks or stones or 八字 that, that get thrown at it.

[00:28:56] Monica: Look, I think I'm all superstitioned out. This was clearly a mistake.

[00:29:01] Kevin: Hey, wait, no, I'm not good at talking about this stuff, but my dad was right about you. You're great. You met me when I was totally unhinged, and you still accepted me because you can see through all the craziness and see me for what I can be, not the circumstances I'm in.

[00:29:24] Monica: I feel the same way. Even though I might not understand certain aspects of your life, I see you and I know you see me, too. In ways that other people haven't recognized.

[00:29:38] Henry: Hey. Love birds! Are we going to the Fat Black Pussycat or what?

[00:29:45] Monica: Come on, let's go.