That was a long time ago.

I don't think it affects me anymore.

I don't even think about it."

Maybe you've said or thought something like this.

You're not alone.

I have, too.

And that's what I wanna share with you in this episode.

I'm a therapist and coach, and clients say this a lot, that statement.

Oh, I'm Justin Sunseri, by the way.

Um, nice to meet you.

If you're new here.

Welcome to Stock Not Broken.

So that statement.

I don't think it affects me anymore because I don't think about it.

It's pretty predictable and it seems to be part of decluttering

the mind for, or planning for self reg, preparing for self-regulation.

"The past, of course, still affects you." That's what I tell my clients

and that's what I explained to them.

And so obviously that's something I should know.

Not only know, but live, and I thought I was doing both.

Way back, just a little context here.

Way back in 1997, I had a major back surgery.

Almost all of my vertebrae refused together, and two titanium

rods were bolted into my spine to remedy a significant soc-

significant scoliosis condition.

This level of surgery is fairly rare.

I would learn.

Later on I learned that there was an 80% chance of paralysis.

Um, a buddy of mine in high school, he did a, a research project on it and used

my x-rays and he said, "Hey, did you know you ran this high risk of paralysis? And

I said, no. I was not aware of that."

So I recovered over that summer.

I was bedridden.

I was watching MTV.

I'll be missing you by Puff Daddy and Faith Evans we're huge, or was huge

at the time, and I swear I was being played at least once per hour on MTV.

More recently, around 2022, my right leg started going numb

as I walked my son to school.

I did physical therapy, and it was kind of helpful for a while, but the problem

didn't stop and it actually got worse.

Um, the issue spread to my other leg, so both legs and, and then in

September, 2025, my leg started going numb more often and more intensely.

And with pain.

So I went to urgent care.

They had me go for a CT scan and x-rays, and they identified that I was, again,

having significant lower back issues.

Since then, I've done more x-rays and an MRI.

I've gotten a couple of, I have a couple of issues going on in my lower vertebrae,

which are causing everything else.

Recently I learned I'll be having another spinal surgery at some

point in the nearish future to fuse.

The lower vertebrae that remain to the rest of my fused vertebrae.

I have some mixed emotions about all this, but what has stuck out to me

is my experience during the x-rays, putting my back and my sides up against

the panels holding my breath, the clicking of the machine, the attendees

going behind a wall, and the the way their voice carried across the

walls of the room and into my ears.

There's, um, a distinct experience that's difficult to name.

It's like a sort of saddened familiarity, an inward collapse from

that, I feel from my chest to my knees.

It felt like walking through the moment, but not being connected to it,

and yet also connected to it because I could feel the collapse, I could

feel the heaviness in that x-ray room.

So overall regulated.

But yeah, a bit of shutdown, isn't it?

And I feel sadness about that too, plus worry about, well, how is this

gonna impact my life in every way?

The surgeon said, this is comparatively minor, so I'm sure I'll be okay.

He seemed pretty at ease about it, which helps.

So to bring this back to where I started, despite practicing what I

preach and all my personal unstuck work and self-development, I

didn't know this affected me still.

After all, I never thought about it.

Luckily, I do indeed practice what I preach, so I am very attuned and open

to the internal experiences of this process, no matter what they are.

During, uh, actually, as an example, during a recent doctor's visit with a

surgeon, I validated and I normalized, and I permitted myself to feel all

my feelings while anchored in safety.

That's the most important piece of it.

I was anchored in my safety state.

So I let myself feel worried as I watched the rain stream down the office window

while I was waiting for the doctor.

I let myself feel sad and alone while looking up at the cloudy sky and

seeing a bit of sun peek through.

It was actually quite nice.

And to let myself feel anxious about the unknown as I stood and I moved

around the office waiting for the doctor and hoping my legs didn't go numb.

I use the skills from safety simplified and self-regulation,

simplified my, my cohorts that I run.

And I continue to do so every morning during my solitude routine in darkness.

And you know, maybe someday I'll share about my, my morning routine- my

solitude and darkness morning routine.

So why do I share this with you?

Um, well, I wanna share an example of what self-regulation can look like and

I wanna show you what can happen when you increase your safety baseline.

And I want to encourage you to permit your own feelings as they surface,

even if they're unexpected, even if you, uh, these are feelings that you

don't think about often or at all.

But, uh, I want you to prioritize safety.

I want you to practice it daily so that your Safety Baseline increases and

provides a buffer against the unexpected.

And when the other feelings do surface, uh, balance 'em with safety, I want

you to do that as well if you can.

It does get easier over time and with small intentional practices.

Even if we're not actively thinking about something, the past still affects

us, whether it was a summer in 1997 with Puff Daddy, um, and Faith Evans

on MTV or with a, a confrontation with the higher up that you had at work

last week, the past still affects us.

Even if you're not thinking of it or aware of it.

I'm not asking you to, to dwell upon the past and unearth

things that you've been through.

I think my point here is to invite you to become more compassionate about yourself.

Today, the emotions within you aren't random.

They come from something and the future hasn't happened yet, and we're

in the present, obviously, right?

So the feeling is something from the past.

You can leave the past where it is, but connect with the present.

If you feel worried, that's okay.

Let yourself feel worried, but also look out the window at the rain as

it, uh, streams down the window.

And if you're grieving, that's okay.

Let yourself grieve, acknowledge it, name it, normalize it.

And if you feel alone, then let yourself feel alone as you take a

step outside of your home and take in one big intentional breath.

But besides giving an example of self-regulation and a couple of

recommendations, uh, mostly I think I just wanted to share something different than

I typically do here on the podcast, uh, to connect with you in a different way.

And I appreciate you giving me some of your time.