Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to the We Are Already Free podcast.

This is a live stream video podcast that then goes out in audio in all the wonderful places.

And this episode is for you.

If you struggle at times with trying to express yourself authentically out there in the world, it can be really freaking hard to know how to show up in a way that is authentic, aligned, connected and honest.

And I mean, you maybe find yourself sometimes looking at those subtle, successful creators out there, those people who are making videos or songs or posting beautiful things online and thinking, you know, once I get to that place, then I, then I'll be okay, then I'll be my real self.

But honestly, the truth is behind many of those sort of perfect online Personas are people who are really struggling, who are going through their own battles, going through their own times of self doubt and authenticity challenges.

So the reality is that right now, countless sensitive, beautiful souls around the world are hiding their true gifts behind these carefully crafted masks, thinking that they are the only ones who are struggling.

Meanwhile, those who've made it are often silently drowning in depression, in burnout, in disconnection from their authentic voice.

So today we have the wonderful Ben Jam coming on with us to discuss his own journey from external success through, through collapse, and using that as a doorway to creative freedom, to authenticity, to really finding his own voice, his own truth in the world.

So listen on to discover how embracing your full story, including the messy parts, can become your greatest strength.

Ben Brown, our guest today built a YouTube empire, lost it all, and had the courage to face his deepest shadows.

He is a filmmaker, artist and content creator who's navigated a profound journey of self discovery marked by huge challenges and also transformative growth.

So he's really here as part of his journey to embrace his authentic self and share that with us and support others in also embracing their authentic selves through creativity, through showing up fully, etc.

So instead of choosing to rebuild this perfect image of himself that he had before, he's really been focusing on actually the harder and more authentic path, which is showing up as himself and turning his creativity into medicine for the soul.

So we're going to get to him in just a moment and thank you so much for being here wherever you are watching from or listening from, if you're listening to this as audio.

But yeah, it's just awesome to be here with you today.

Hear the words, we are already free.

What comes up for you?

Acceptance.

Change.

The shift in awareness.

Human beings are so powerful.

There's so much more.

Everything is love behind it.

Breaking the chains of your own mind that which remains Nature getting out of the matrix.

We're sitting on the treasure and it's already unlocked.

We are already free.

You're free.

You are a walking man.

Have always been free.

You are always free.

Already free.

We are already free.

Yes.

Brother Ben.

Welcome, brother Nathan.

How are you, dude?

I'm doing great, man.

It's so exciting to have you on cuz.

I mean we were just chatting about this two days ago and, and here we are and that's so exciting.

Often I, I, I get a guest on and it's like it's weeks in advance, so it was so nice to just have this like, let's just get on and have a chat.

Let's just see what life's all about and see what is on offer for us today.

So, yeah, thanks for being here, man.

It's, it's super awesome.

No worries.

Like I, I have a tendency to put these things off, you know.

Well, you did the opposite on this one.

Yeah, yeah, that was the opposite.

I have so much free time at the moment.

I'm actually just going to go straight in.

Let's get this done.

I'm feeling good at the moment and this is kind of a, the new chapter that I'm in is just like not necessarily saying yes to everything, but when something feels really right and aligned, it's like, why not do it in two days time?

Like let's go, dude.

I love that.

So thanks for having me on your podcast, dude.

I really appreciate the opportunity to like just hang out with you again, to be honest.

Yeah, ditto.

Ditto man.

Absolutely.

I actually saw you post something recently.

I think it was in your stories maybe, but it was.

You like cooking up a hell of a breakfast.

And it was, there was eggs in there.

I think there was some meat in there maybe if I'm not mistake misremembering.

But it was like, I remember that's one of the chats because we've only met really a couple times.

Was a couple times in person at least the one time at the ceremony, the ceremony we sat at and, and we were discussing this idea of like eating and conscious eating and what does it mean to be a conscious eater.

And it was this conversation around veganism or eating meat.

And, and I remember at the time you were like, I think you even said you're like, I need more meat.

And so it was good to see you with that breakfast.

So, so, yeah, I've definitely been cycling around the different.

Just whatever my body feels called to and also somewhat dependent upon who I'm dating has kind of an impact.

Like the people that are closest in our lives definitely have an impact because that's true, man, sharing meals and all those kinds of things.

But yeah, I'm not necessarily like full carnivore now, but yeah, I'm eating meat with most meals and yeah, feeling really a lot better and stronger for it.

Yeah, no, that was a huge like unlock for me personally was really just prioritizing good quality whole foods with an animal foundation, like and again without.

Because it can so easily get into the dogmatic territory of like, well, now I'm a carnivore, now I'm a this, now I'm.

And that whole thing is just chaos.

So yeah, just to be eating intuitively while also aligned with ancestral nourishment, basically like this is how we have eaten for hundreds of thousands of years.

It's probably a good way to do it.

Yeah, I think that for me the biggest thing is just like the way that I cook the food and actually like if obviously the quality of the, the, the animal products is really a high priority.

But the way I actually prepare the food I feel like has more of an impact if I'm celebrating it rather than it being like a, oh, I just have to eat this because this is.

Has to make my physical body stronger and stuff.

If it's more in like a celebratory energy, I get more from the food and I think it kind of clears out any kind of energy that, that the animal might have gone through that I'm not.

I would, I don't take it on board quite so much if that's, if that makes sense.

Like the trauma of whatever the animal might have gone through.

Because I'm quite sensitive.

I'm sure chat about sensitivity at some point, but yeah, I feel it all.

So I have to have to make sure it's like well prepared and totally.

I love that.

And you're in the right place.

This is the place for us sensitive folk to connect and drop in and, and be able to like acknowledge and own that and, and see how we can navigate this world and actually bring our gifts through.

And, and that's kind of what I wanted to, to open up on because you are or were as you yourself have expressed, one of a very successful YouTuber like in terms of that you created this empire where you built up this vlog empire of sharing your story, sharing your life online.

And I'm very curious to hear of like, because vlogging in a way almost by Definition seems very authentic.

And I, and I'm.

I'm curious to hear for you, what was what happened?

Like, what, what happened that you kind of had to let go of that whole thing and almost, I guess the dark night of the soul or any metamorphosis is a.

There's some of.

That is a destructive process like the caterpillar dissolving before it forms a butterfly.

So what was that process like for you where you moved into dissolving?

Basically, what happened?

I managed to make it a long and drawn out process, but well done.

All of my previous success that I've had in my life was through.

Well, I think my ego likes to claim particularly that it was through my hard work.

It was like I had that.

That sort of mindset of I will work harder than everybody else and achieve success that way.

And because I was before I was a YouTuber, I was a professional kayaker, I was an athlete, and I became world champion.

It took me sort of 10, 15 years to get to the level that I got in that sport.

And a lot of it was to do with just literally training harder than everybody else and then being able to hold that mindset together for the execution of the performance of the race.

And so as soon as that chapter was done and I switched to the creative side of thing, I was like, right, I'll just win this as well and I'll just work harder than everybody else at this and make the best videos on the Internet.

And I have a lot of life force energy, especially through my 20s.

I was just like pumped full of energy.

And so I could apply this for, on a daily basis for many years, just working really, really hard, filming everything, creating these these days and these activities that would be fun to film and would make for good content with my friends, and then spending sometimes six hours making one video that goes out that next day and then starting the whole process over and over and over again.

And I remember a lot of people asking me, like, how, how the hell did you do this?

Like, and I was just thinking, you just get on with it.

You just do it, don't you?

Like, so full of beans.

And it was obviously an unsustainable method to say the least, but it took me a long time to realize that.

And all the time that I started getting tired, it was just like, right, this is where you double down.

Like, this is where you drink that coffee and you stay up late at night.

And it was just this elbow to the grindstone, burning the midnight oil, however you want to put it, that just Depleted me completely.

And through the, the persistent pushing onwards, through the tiredness and through everything obviously dramatically impacted my decision making abilities.

I started, I discovered cannabis and that really helped me and was an ally for me in so many ways.

But then became my crutch and then became my way that I could get to sleep at night.

And I had other addictions going on as well.

Like, like a.

Not crazy, but I had porn addiction going on.

I had just like spending money.

Like I, I really struggled to make money and hold on to it and then keep it.

It was, it had to.

I, I was scared of holding on to that much energy so I was just giving it away and just making poor decisions basically.

And over a period of time destroyed the empire that I'd built.

And the, I don't know exactly what the phrase is or the saying is, but what's the one about the child that if you don't give the child attention, he'll burn the village down kind of thing?

Oh, dude, I don't know if I've.

It sounds familiar, but I don't know if I know that one.

I don't know the exact one.

It makes me think of like it takes a village to raise a child, but that sounds like the dark side.

Of that, the dark side of the ignored child.

It's like if you don't give the child the attention that it needs or what it needs, it will burn the village down to get the attention.

So that was my inner child.

Like my inner child, subconsciously I just destroyed everything that I'd built because that was the only way that it could get my attention.

To start saying like, hey, you're, you're killing yourself here actually, and you're way off your path and you're not living from your heart and you're not actually being who you truly are.

But of course this took years to figure out.

Since that inflection point, which happened to be a, a motorcycle accident.

I came off my motorbike and I, I shattered my elbow, had reconstructive surgery.

And that was the first time that sort of the universe or God decided to put me on my ass and say, you're not going to run away from anything.

You're not going to work your way or distract your way from anything.

So I really had to sit with the, all of the emotions that I'd throughout my whole life in order to achieve what I needed to achieve.

I'd either sort of alchemized the anger and everything into going faster in a kayak or I just like Repressed it in order to keep showing up for whatever the task was that I was appointed to, my appointing to myself.

So all of those emotions, as we know, they don't.

They don't go anywhere.

And I'm quite a fiery lad as well.

Like, I got quite a lot of fire in my charts and I'm also very watery.

So I'm like, I feel things very deeply and I very have quite, Quite quick to anger as well.

So having suppressed that for my whole life, that was.

That needed to be tended to.

That was probably the part of me that was wanting to burn down the empire to finally get my attention so that we could do this inner work finally.

And yeah, that was seven years ago in three days time.

Exactly.

Wow.

Interesting timing.

And then because that's obviously a.

A, A long period of time, but also a lot a deep process of unpacking.

How have you maintained yourself?

Like, what are the ways that you have found realistically?

And, and I'm.

And I'm asking this question selfishly and I'm sure it.

Anyone listening now, if there are like, us highly sensitive people who have like, put on multiple layers of armor to survive basically to be like, it's so interesting.

I was thinking about this.

I can't even remember I wrote it down today or for some reason.

But basically that our.

We develop habits that help us survive.

Like our body is trying to help us survive and thrive.

But if the survival feels threatened, then the thriving gets pushed out the window, basically.

And so for so many of us, like, thriving just actually feels like so distant because we're just fully in survival mode.

And that's what I'm hearing from you is like you had no way to process that anger, no way to process that sensitivity, actually no way to allow those feelings to move in a way that the body needs them to move.

And so that stuff got pushed down until, as you say, motorcycle accident, Having to be still, the whole universe being like, bro, now you got to face it.

But that's terrifying.

Even hearing you say that, I'm like, that sounds terrifying.

So, so how do you.

How did you.

How do you process that in a way that doesn't re.

Traumatize, but in a way that actually leads to more thriving, basically?

It's a great question.

I feel like the first thing that comes up is like, I thought I was thriving.

I thought that.

I thought that anxiety was excitement.

I didn't have a very.

I didn't have any emotional intelligence.

Like, I had no idea what was really going on in my internal world.

Or how to be with it or communicate what it was.

It was all just like a complete mystery to me that I was at the.

At the whim of whatever was triggering me and whatever my core beliefs were about who I am and what it means to be a human being is like so many distorted ideas that kind of created this framework that just didn't have the.

I didn't have the framework for the difference between anxiety and excitement.

And so also because I was presenting the online, this Persona of success, and everybody was telling me how great I was, I was in this feedback loop that was at odds with the actual energy with inside of me.

And.

But I, again, had no concept of what that even was like, that that was even a thing.

So it was very, very confusing for a long time.

It took me a few years to figure out that, well, I don't have to pretend anymore that I'm thriving or that I'm successful in a conventional.

In a conventional way.

Like, I've got brand deals coming in.

I've got lots of people liking my videos and watching my content.

I'm traveling.

I'm, like, living the dream.

But actually, I couldn't receive any of it or really enjoy any of it because I was just.

There was just chaos internally going on.

And so to.

To figure that out took a long time and many rounds of, like, gradually allowing myself to actually feel how I authentically felt on the inside and actually.

And then.

And also communicate to other people how I am actually feeling about things, which is probably one of the scariest parts of this whole journey, is like, learning to ask for what I need or even acknowledge that I have needs.

And at the same time, with my therapist figuring out that I actually have this kind of codependent relationship with my audience, which I.

Which was like a long and arduous breakup where you go back and forth many, many times and get the same old thing and.

But need something different.

And I was.

I was presenting this version of myself online because I needed people to validate the parts of myself that I was doubting.

Like, and I suppose resourcing that validation, resourcing that love from strangers on the Internet is not what I would advise.

Take note, everyone from a successful YouTuber.

Well, it's one day, you know, like, I.

I made a video one day where I'd.

I was holding up my arm and I was like, it was all.

And swollen.

And I just realized, like, guys, I was like, making this video.

I was like, guys, I'm actually not happy.

Like, I'm actually kind of Sad, like I'm kind of depressed and like I, I just had a panic attack like yesterday and I've never had one of those before.

And I'm starting to understand that actually maybe I do have some mental health challenges.

And the comments which is where I went to, to get my validation and see am I saying the right thing, Am I doing the right thing?

I had many, many people supporting saying, yeah, we kind of seen this coming for a while but it's all good like trying to give me advice and just send me lots of love.

And then I just had hundreds of dudes telling me like, you don't know what it means to be depressed, bro.

You don't know what it means to be unhappy.

I would give my right leg to be in your shoes.

Like, don't tell me about that.

Like you have the best life ever.

And so then I was still in this like, oh wow.

Questioning how I'm actually feeling because I'm again trying to check on the outside for that validation of how I'm supposed to be feeling in a situation.

So yeah, I don't know if that answered the question.

Dude, that's a, I mean that's a powerful insight as well.

Just around it actually reminds me a lot of, of my own journey.

And I think for many of us is this feeling because we weren't given create the safety wasn't created for us by our caretakers as kids.

And so I know for myself, I can't speak for you or for others, but based on what you've just said, I, I realized that as a kid I had to become incredibly aware of other others opinions of me because it was the only way to stay safe basically.

And so what I, and I think there's a number of things you've just said here that are very important.

One is this idea of that if you have a life that looks, that is materially wealthy or comfortable, that that means that you don't have a right to feel any kind of struggle.

And that's been a huge one in my own life of like I'm a white straight dude from a middle class family and by all like measurements of resources I've got zero to complain about and that's been a huge part of my journey is to still own and be like, yes.

And I have spent a lot of my life wanting to be out, like wanting to be the gone out of this life.

And that tells me something like, that tells me that whatever the thing looks like on the outside has got zero to do with what the actual Experience is.

And I can't imagine what it's like to be someone who's got zero resources and has that same experience of wanting to be out of life.

Like that must be on a whole different.

But that's not where I'm at.

And I, and, and that thing of what you just shared is like this huge piece of.

Is it enough that I'm just me, even though I have or don't have the things that I'm supposed to or not?

You know, like this whole story of this, this built up, constructed idea of what is or isn't.

Okay.

So that's the one part.

And then the other part being just around.

The most important resource that all of us need is caretakers who give us a sense of safety in ourselves as kids so that we aren't constantly looking like I tipped.

I can close doors more quietly probably than like anyone.

Maybe you could match me, you know, depending on what it was like for you.

But I had to be so small and so quiet as a kid to.

To avoid the explosion that I learned.

And, and again, that's the shadow side.

But the, the light side is I'm incredibly empathetic.

I'm incredibly sensitive.

Like I can read so much into what people are navigating that it gives me like a superpower when I'm working with coaching clients.

And that's fucking amazing.

And I'm so grateful for that.

So, yeah, just reflecting with you and like very grateful for your sharing, dude.

Because it's a big, it's a big vulnerable sharing to, to have those realizations and to navigate what you're talking about.

Yeah, it feels really like one of those moments where again, if we weren't recording this, I probably would have a different sensation in my body.

Just knowing that somebody is going to be watching this is automatically bringing that same thing up where it's like it's okay.

Like, however you are right now is okay.

Like there's no, there's no expectations.

Right.

So bringing up, you mean brings up that question of like, is this the right.

Like should.

Is.

Should I change how I correctly.

Am I saying the right things?

Like, because everything you're saying is like essentially with as you're reflecting, that's, that's make it helping me to feel a little bit more calm within myself because I'm like, this is what I'm journaling about at the moment.

This is actually the reason why I'm starting to do my guidance calls again because I feel like I'm attaining a level of mastery in this area of understanding, really the beautiful side of these skills of empathy and these sensitivities that we, that we've been.

I feel like they're gifts that we come here with and then they're just like woven into our story through our sort of interpersonal relationships as children and through the, through the journey of reconciling that.

Those pain points and then discovering the beauty in them.

It's like, oh yeah, it's actually so beautiful to be a sensitive man and a sensitive human in general because we're just so much more tuned into beauty and we're so much more tuned into love and we are able to connect with people on a level that they might never have been able to, never have had in their life before.

To be able to see people and see ourselves at such a depth is really a gift.

And that gift, even if we did come into this lifetime with it has been reactivated and maybe like up leveled through our experiences in this lifetime.

And yeah, it's.

It wasn't, it was the.

The house that I grew up in was not like especially violent or like physically, you know, like, or it was in some ways I might have preferred that.

It was like kind of like silent.

Like I was guessing a lot.

I was like having to try and figure things out and just like a.

I think a lack of emotional availability was, was a big piece for me.

Like and as a, A Pisces, like I deep, I cried deep and like I feel things really deeply and my sister's cancerian and there just was like I, I took it on board as a child.

As my sister's younger than me, I sort of took it on board as a kid to try and ease all of the pain in the house.

And I would do that through trying to be funny, trying to make my mum laugh, trying to make my mum laugh and trying to make my dad proud.

Like those are the two things.

And then just trying to take care of my sister, like emotionally if I could.

And that resulted in me being an extremely funny adult.

Like I'm very, very funny and humble and also became a really, became a really good athlete.

Like I went on that whole journey and I loved kayaking.

I love being on the water.

I realized now that I was just doing like endless breath work and drawing infinity science with my hands.

So I'm like, it was the perfect out in nature.

It was the perfect thing for me because if I didn't have that, who knows where my energy would have gone to.

I would have got into all sorts of trouble.

But the underlying Driving factor was make my dad proud, like, make my dad happy.

And like, on a deeper level, it was so that if dad's happy, Mum's more likely to be happy.

And that's my main concern because me and mum were like, entangled.

So, yeah, all of that, all of that has helped me develop these skills of sensitivity, I suppose, But I ignored them for so long.

So, so long.

And in order to, to continue making videos, to continue, I'd get the camera and I'd be like, okay, record what's up, everybody, what's happening, what's going on?

Welcome to that.

And just switch it on.

And I had no idea that I was abandoning a part of me every single time I would do that.

And I had no idea that was a part of me that needed to take space from other people and go on my own solo missions and just have some solo time.

And I think all of the, the sort of spiritual awakening part through the motorcycle accident and everything only happened when I was 32.

And so with the whole Saturn return starting at 29, I managed for three years to just ignore all of this invitation through.

It's impressive.

Yeah, that's why.

And I was actually writing about this yesterday for a podcast and for a blog post.

I was having this revelation of like, oh, the way I'm relating to my emotions and my inner feminine is so different now.

And still.

And it's only really been actually this last couple of years where I've managed to feel my feelings without it being like this big damn buildup and then a burst through some drama that has happened.

So that's how that was the familiar cycle and pattern for me.

It would be like, build up, build up, build up, build up.

Can't hold it anymore, Big dam explosion, flooded drama, everybody around me impacted.

And now it's like I don't have to get to a point of complete breakdown to have a good cry about something or to grieve something.

It just kind of bubbles up.

And I can tell when something's coming up that something needs attention within me.

And now all I do is just take the space and journal about it.

And then within five or 10 minutes, there it is.

Have a little 90 seconds worth of beautiful tears.

And then my whole.

My whole nervous system just relaxes again.

And so I'm just really grateful for having gotten to this point, actually where I was saying to my friend Alice, like, the work is really working now.

Like, the work, my life is so much more peaceful.

Like, I don't need to create chaos in order to Validate my, my experiences or my, my emotions.

I can just go with the flow and, and it's not like if I'm saying I'm an emotional dude, I think a lot of people would think that emotions, they get in the way of like rational and logical thinking and decision making.

It's like, yeah, you don't make any decisions whilst you're feeling these big feelings.

Like, but if you don't feel the big feelings, the dysregulation that I feel in my nervous system over time actually brings chaos in all sorts of other ways.

My life, you know, in a negative way.

So I mean I'm you, you speaking to me here as well.

Like, this is part of my big journey that I'm honestly still navigating.

Like I, I get on it sometimes and then I fall off and I get on.

But right now I'm in the midst of a somatic coaching certification with something called body based breakthrough.

And it's just so beautiful because it's exactly what you're talking about.

It's just creating space for the other senses that not just senses, but the other ways of experiencing to have their voice heard.

So many of us, and I think the vast majority of our society is built around thinking.

The idea of I can think my way through my problems, I can think this into a solution.

And that's great, that's one part of it.

But there's four other parts.

There's the emotion, there's the feeling, there's the sensation of actually what do you actually feel on or in your body?

There's the behaviors, what are the ways your body really wants to move.

There's the imaging of like, what are the dreams, what are the memories, what are the things you can imagine and vision.

And all of those weave into a holistic, holistic experience called a somatic signature.

And the vast majority of us are just not accessing those other areas.

And it's weird because it's like learning another language.

Like the first body based breakthrough session I did when I went through on myself, I was like, this feels very uncomfortable because I'm trying, I'm trying to let something happen here that just feels.

And he said it's the same as going to gym to get stronger.

You just, if you haven't worked this muscle of allowing these other parts to come forward.

And honestly, by the third session I was on the floor sobbing for like, like you said, that's why, that's what triggered the memory.

Now I was like, it wasn't long, it was like a minute and then I was like, oh, okay, that's done now.

And I have no idea why I was like.

It was.

There was nothing that was like, oh, this is.

It just was.

This needs to come out now.

And then I felt way lighter and I could carry on with whatever else needed to happen.

And then there's.

What's beautiful about the system is it always has a very.

What they call the inspired action.

So you always come out of it with like what is one thing I can take action on in the next 24 to 48 hours that is aligned with that I've just done that's in service to this process and it's so beautiful.

So to hear you speak just gives me encouragement that I am definitely on the right path with what I'm doing right now.

And just.

And yeah, thank you for that.

Thank you.

Yeah, same.

Yeah.

Because it feels like one of those things where it was only in the last actual few days that I've really been finding my feet with it.

And I feel like I've been saying that for years.

Right.

It's this ongoing process of practice.

I think a big, the big difference from my experience recently in terms of just being with whatever these little Samskaras are in my body.

And I know you know what Samskara is, but just.

Yeah, well tell.

Tell anyone who's listening who doesn't know.

Well, my understanding is that they're these little packets of energy of emotions that might have come up at some point during childhood or even adulthood.

Doesn't matter.

And.

And it wasn't safe to feel them or express them or we didn't have the, the tools or the capacity to express them.

Like when you're a kid, some of the fear that comes up or the anger that might come up as a teenager is just like so much energy that we just have to kind of like push it down and then it gets stored somewhere in the body and creates.

That creates tension in the nervous system which just.

Yeah.

And all sorts of other chaos.

It's interesting because I'm the only way I know it from.

And I don't know the.

I don't know it very well because it was a long time ago is I did the vipassana 10 day meditation many years ago and crazily enough I don't actually recommend that for everyone.

It really.

I've actually since heard stories of some people having psychotic breaks afterwards because they.

Their nervous system.

So for me and, and this was great as part of the like trauma informed learning that I've done at times Is that if your nervous system, if your trauma was around, having to stay still and quiet, like if you couldn't move or make noise, then sitting still and quiet for 10 days, for 11 hours a day is maybe not the best thing you should be doing until you have expanded, until you've processed that trauma.

So for me, and I only learned this years afterwards, I was like, why did vipassana not feel good?

I had positive results from it.

Like it, it showed me something super important that had a big impact on my life.

But I didn't want to meditate for years afterwards.

And I, and I was like, it was a traumatic experience.

And it's because of exactly that.

I spent a lot of time in my youth shut down in my things called dorsal vagal activation.

So the part of my nervous system that's like surrendered and given up, like if a lion attacks you and you're done, you drop into that system, there's no, you just numb out and you're ready to go, you're ready to die basically.

And that's where, where depression lives as well.

And so if we get stuck there.

And so yeah, for me, but in that vipassana I remember him talking about, I'm pretty sure, but this is, this is not 2010, so long time ago.

But I think he talked about samskaras and he said in terms of like the infinite cycle of life, death and rebirth, that if you have those, they like create energy basically.

And if you die with unresolved or unreleased or unprocessed samskaras, those are the things that energize your into the next body.

And so if you can, once we do dissolve all of those, then we don't get reborn into the cycle of suffering, which I thought was interesting.

And yeah, just reflecting on what you.

Just shared there, that's super interesting.

Yeah, it's not something that I'm necessarily an expert at, but it's something that I've had to, with all of these things, I've had to do a bit of research and understand just so I have a bit of a framework for what my actual experience is and.

Yeah, makes sense.

Yeah.

So the, the, the, the way I like to see it is that with this whole.

Everybody likes to talk about like we're expanding our consciousness and more lights coming down into the body and but I, I feel like, tell me if this resonates right, but like as more consciousness comes down into the body, that's more light and more awareness.

That's actually bringing light and awareness into these packets of energy.

In the body and as us.

Like the body being, like the feminine aspect of us that holds these packets of energy as the.

As the consciousness comes down and meets love.

Those are the two energies.

Excuse me, sorry.

Oh, good, mate.

Frog in your throat's got a frog in its throat.

What I'm trying to say is.

That's the alchemy.

Yes, that's how the alchemy happens.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In the blend of that light coming into the pain.

And it's interesting because when you say that, it makes me think of shadow, basically.

Like, the shadow needs the light and the light needs the shadow, and the two kind of have to intermingle.

And I think you've actually talked about shadow work as a part of what's helped you to integrate those rejected parts of yourself at times.

And.

And I'm really curious to hear just a little bit about that for you, if there's anything you would want to share there around shadow and bringing light into shadow and what that means for you.

Let me see if I can actually use my voice.

Yeah, the shadow work.

I think I was first introduced to shadow work through doing some Sacred Sons work, men's work with Sacred Sons.

It's like a brotherhood.

Yeah.

It felt.

It was like, total news to me that there was even a.

A part of my mind that I wasn't aware of, that there was a subconscious shadowy realm that these parts of us that were not loved or more kind of rejected, they get pushed down.

And so just as an example that I think a lot of people might be able to resonate with is, like, my silliness, like, as a child in a serious world, in a serious household, where things are very serious and being silly.

If that's rejected enough times, then subconsciously I'm thinking I would develop this belief that, like, that's.

That part of me is not welcome, that part of me is not useful, or that part of me is not, like, lovable, I guess.

Right.

And without wanting to get too heady about it, it's just like, no silliness.

So then we push the silliness down each time it wants to come up.

Even though silliness is, like, actually very wise.

Like, it's the.

The not taking things so seriously is actually, like, the wisdom of children, isn't it?

They haven't been.

They don't get caught up in quite so much of this Matrix nonsense.

So reconnecting with my silliness through doing a bit of shadow work.

So it's not just all about, like, what are the.

Of course in there, it's like anger was also rejected.

Sadness and grief and frustration.

These things, these.

These experiences got pushed down not just as children, but we have that confirmed through adulthood as well, where, especially as dudes, it's kind of hard to find sometimes people that you can be your most authentic expression around.

And not just the parts that are easy to be around, but, like, the.

The anger, like, and the rage even, and sadness.

So this is like doing some work with sacred sons in the brotherhood.

Just to be in the presence of men who have been doing this work was healing in itself in a lot of ways, because it was like, a relief that I didn't know how to bring words to at the time.

But what I was feeling was this sense of like, oh, here are men that I can trust because I can just be any expression of myself.

And they're just like, yeah, cool, that's welcome here.

All of you is welcome here.

And that's.

Yeah, that was like my.

My introduction to.

To shadow work in that sense.

And for years, I.

I'm like, I feel like I've gotten to a real tipping point over this last two months, actually, where now I'm genuinely way more curious and excited for shadow work or discovering these parts of myself and liberating these parts of myself than I have been previously.

It's almost like I would enjoy the sensation of the liberation and then be like.

And that's kind of done now, you know, like, yeah, sweet.

Not realizing that there's, like, actually many rounds of it and there's always something to uncover and fully accepting that now what that looks like for me is like, I'd stop smoking weed.

And that's been my crutch for so many years.

And it's not.

It wasn't that long ago that I stopped, but it was long ago enough now that, like, I'm.

I'm reaching new levels of sensitivity through bringing more of my consciousness again into my physical body and more of that light deeper into the shadows, which is bringing up these little samskaras to be loved.

Because they can come up now.

Because I also now have the resources internally to hold them and process them and say, as a teenager, I was angry at a teacher at school who was treating me unfairly or there was some kind of injustice, and it was actually better for me to not express that anger at the time that goes down is like, little packet of energy stays there.

And then when we.

When I go back in there as an adult now, as an adult, I have the resources to actually.

And the capacity to Actually feel that emotion again and go back into that moment.

And I'm learning to.

There's like a balance between like bringing enough story in to really make it real again, but not making it so much about the story that you don't just fully surrender into the actual feeling itself.

So yeah, at shadow work, I feel like I'm.

I'm like level 2 out of 10 at it, you know, like I'm really learning the power of it and the beauty of it and how all of these little sayings around how the treasure that you seek is in the cave that you fear to enter, and all of these beautiful metaphors and mythology actually is really helping me to understand like the nuance and the depth of the psyche, the individual and collective psyche and that all of these new frameworks for knowing myself is.

It's really helping me to go deeper, deeper in.

And yeah, it makes sense.

It makes total sense.

And I'm curious just kind of, I'm looking at time realizing, wow, we've been chatting a while, so time flies when you're having fun.

So yeah, I guess for me is, is kind of like anyone listening to this right now might be going, okay, so like seeing aspects of themselves in this, of this aspect of.

I know that I'm not showing up as my fullest authentic self and part of that is connected to some of these old patterns.

And also realizing that there's a challenge to that is like, how do I make that change then?

And I'm curious to know if you thinking of someone who might in this stage even maybe they are wanting to create more on social media or share more of their creations, however that looks, which is generally going to be social media these days, but is finding that sense or has that awareness that there is a mask that they're wearing or putting on before they step out into the world in whatever the way they do.

Do you have any sense of like.

And I know it's hard, you can't really speak for anyone else but like what might be something that someone could do, that's like a little step, doesn't have to be a huge leap, but a step towards that authentic creation to that, towards that authentic expression if just for someone listening.

Well, I suppose if I was to like speak to my 20 something year old self who was like just starting out with picking up a camera and vlogging and by the way, the first 100 vlogs are super awkward.

Like it's gonna be awkward to begin with.

Like all the self judgment, all the self cringe is gonna come up.

And my way of dealing with that was to like inflate my ego even more so that I just kind of cracked on with it.

And I suppose that's one type of self belief, isn't it, to.

To believe in yourself.

But I would say to myself or anybody starting like, like, whoever you are right now, that is who you are right now, that is authentic.

Like you, you get to a point where you realize that art or a vlog or whatever it is that you're creating is kind of like a journal entry of like the energy that you're experiencing now that you want to share or create something from.

And it's going to be different tomorrow, it's going to be different next week, and it's definitely going to be different in a year.

So don't think that you have to become the end game version of yourself to, to start and.

Because you'll look back and you think, I certainly think, wow, who was that guy?

Like, who was that guy?

I don't know.

But it's, it's.

There are elements of my authenticity throughout, like a thread throughout the whole thing.

And the different ways that I've expressed that have sometimes felt more authentic and sometimes felt less authentic, but that's also perfect.

Like, it's a.

Creating in this way is like a just a way of you getting to know yourself.

And if other people vibe with it, that's cool.

But if they don't and you want them to notice that, like, what is.

Why do you want them to.

Why do you need people to vibe with you?

Do you find yourself creating in order to get likes or to get validation from people or to get like.

Because that's fine too.

Just notice it.

Like none of it's wrong.

But at some point, like the, the, the cheat code is to notice.

The cheat code is to notice.

Like, how, how does it feel when you're speaking about this?

Does it feel easy and flowing or is there some more work to do because you catch a frog in your throat and have to cough on the podcast for five minutes?

Oh, yeah, I'm actually still struggling to speak about this publicly kind of thing.

That's fine.

What do you love?

And if you don't know what you love, like, what do you like, what do you love in the context of right now?

What's making you excited?

What inspires you?

And I think maybe that's part of what the journey that I was on just like one of seeking what is it that I love about life?

Like, what is it that I love about this world.

And mostly I love nature.

Mostly I love filming stuff in slow motion.

Mostly I love traveling and just turning my life into a big adventure.

That's why I own an old half broken Land Rover.

Because even the, even the trip down to the supermarket as an adventure in a Land Rover, you know, I love it.

Like, make it into adventure.

So, yeah, in terms of like expressing your authentic self.

Go on this journey, create whatever feel you feel like you need to create.

Don't think too much about it.

Know that you're going to get it wrong and all the while keep going inwards and being like, well, who actually am I?

And how do I connect with that and then express myself from that place?

Who am I?

Who am I?

So rather than the.

My adventure was all out here, all out here, all out here.

And then I had to go all in.

All in, all in, all in.

But you can do both at the same time.

You can be like, okay, this is a reflection of this part of me.

And utilize the creative process as actually an awakening process and a healing process of getting to know who you are and what it is that your heart truly desires and what it.

What's your authentic message that wants to come through and be shared with the world?

Because we need authentic human beings expressing their authentic message out in the world at the moment.

Because Lord knows we've got so much synthetic bullshit out there and it's like tiring and draining and completely uninspiring.

So you might find that you are so out there and so weird in your most authentic expression that it might take you a year to find a thousand people that really vibe with you.

Perfect.

Like that's perfect.

You don't have to have a million followers, you don't even have to have 10,000 followers.

But just you practicing to show up as yourself and continue asking, is this me?

Is this me?

It is me.

Today it.

Let's go.

And just having the courage to put something out there, it's going to be beautifully chaotic and perfectly imperfect.

And that is, that's the journey of like being an artist and a creative, I think.

Dude, so many gems in there.

Thank you.

That's a really beautiful offering for anyone who's listening.

And I'm curious around just where people can find you.

Really?

Like, is there anything that you particularly would like people to, to drop into at the moment that you're sharing that you're inspired about?

Well, I've my creative projects that I'm working on at the moment or have been working on and it might take a while I'll show you is I've made these, like, designs.

They're called Seeds of Light.

Wow.

If you.

If you're listening to the audio of this, I will maybe have to put a link in the show notes so you can go and check this out.

That is freaking stunning.

Well, I.

It don't gas me up too much is that.

This is.

I did it by hand and then I converted it to digital.

But these.

Each print has got gold embellishments on it, so each circle is hand down.

I spent like two or three hours with each print embellishing it with gold and actually infusing it with, like, healing love.

And I just trust that these will find their way into the homes that they're meant to be and, like, kind of grid out this.

This vibration of love across beautiful the planet.

So that's one project and everything's on Benjam uk.

Benjam UK is my.

Is my thing and I'm doing guidance calls as well for anybody who wants to drop in with me.

And I'm mostly showing up daily on Instagram, which is just Benjam.

Gotcha.

Thanks, brother.

And then finally, as I ask everyone, when you hear we are already free, what does that bring up for you?

This deep remembrance in my DNA of, like, who I am.

And strangely, just like this excitement for the vibration of the truth of that statement that we know is just echoing throughout Earth at the moment.

And it's like, this is what we came for.

These are the times that this message is going to be felt.

And yeah, it makes me want to continue doing this work, to hold the embodiment of that so that it doesn't even have to be spoken to.

It can just be felt.

You know, it's very, very powerful and inspiring to me.

I don't believe that statement.

I know that statement.

Very.

I know that statement.

Yes.

I love it.

Thank you, Ben.

What a pleasure, brother.

I.

Yeah, it's been an honor to have you on and I look forward to getting to know you better.

And.

And may there be more highly sensitive men in the world who are doing good work and owning the shadows and aligning our mythologies with our reality for a different way of being, because it certainly is time for it.

So, yeah, thank you, brother.

I appreciate you.

Thank you for holding this space and thank you for doing incredible amounts of work that you've done to.

To be holding such a.

A stable and grounded center and to hold this space for me as well.

I appreciate you.

Only a pleasure.

Only a pleasure.

So, yeah, we'll Catch up soon after this call, but for now, thank you, brother, and blessings on the path.

And I'm going to drop into an outro for these gorgeous listeners.

I'll see you soon, Ben.

Peace.

Peace.

All right, lovely humans, give thanks again for the splendid and wonderful guest today, Ben Jam.

You will find his links in the show notes, as you said, very easy to track down.

What an epic chat that was.

And really, for me, I think the highlight of the whole thing was just really getting to sit in humanness together.

And how often or how rare is it today that we get to just sit with each other and just be in our realness.

As Ben pointed out, having a coughing fit halfway through is like, that's life sometimes, man.

And I.

And I just really honor that.

And it's been so beautiful.

Especially because if you see and go and watch, which I recommend, honestly, go watch some of his older videos and see what he was navigating then and.

And connect with him now.

Connect with his Instagram, connect with where he is now and just know that wherever you are on your own path, that there is always hope, There is always an invitation to more authenticity, an invitation for you to show up fully as you are.

Because honestly, the way I think of it is like the divine or the infinite or what the nothingness between all the reality that we live in has planted each of us here like a unique seed.

Like God is a gardener, and this gardener has planted you.

And the only thing that this gardener dreams of is that to watch you blossom, and sometimes to blossom, we have to grow through rocks, around rocks, and through droughts and through challenging times and big storms.

And really, the way we can support each other in that blossoming is to support each other in remembering and turning towards the nourishment that's always around us, towards the water and the sun and the calm and the rest and the connection.

And through that authentic connection, we blossom as an automatic result of that.

So I hope that today's episode has reminded you that that's available for you and I look forward to having you again for another episode very soon.

Thank you for being here.

This is.

We are already free.

And if you are one of those people, like so many of us, who is struggling with your social media usage or just your general dopamine, like burnout, where you're spending a lot more time than you want to on something that really isn't that good for you and you want to make a shift, please check the show notes for the 21 day dopamine detox Challenge.

It's a free challenge.

It's helping a lot of people right now, and I'm so happy to have put it together.

You can also just go to Already free me reset if you feel.

And yeah, get started.

It's enough.

Like, how much of our lives do we want to spend just scrolling away, consuming stuff that really isn't helping us in any real, deep, authentic way?

Like, yes, consume the information that you need that's important, and then go out and create something awesome.

And if you're consuming and not creating, then definitely take the challenge.

I wish you well.

I'll see you next week.

Thank you for being here.

And please, as always, remember that we are already free.