Andrea Rappaport (00:00)

I have got such a ridiculous story for you today on our mini episode of How Not to Suck a Divorce. This is five things you should never do during a divorce.

Man, I don't know about you, but I need a break. I am like feeling it this week.

So, okay, I'm going to bring you some serious things and some absolutely stupid ridiculous things that I did that I do not want you to do when you go through your divorce. So let's do these backwards. Let's make this like an exciting countdown, shall we?

Number five, do not take legal advice from someone who was divorced in another decade than where we're living now or in another state. For example, if you live in Wyoming, don't take legal advice from your friend in Maryland who got divorced during the Bush administration, whether it was the first Bush or the second Bush.

It doesn't matter which Bush, different time, different state, baby. Here's an example why. Just a little food for thought. In Maryland, for example,

courts.

are more willing to award long-term or more like indefinite alimony, especially in long marriages. Okay? So if you're getting advice, you live in Wyoming and you're getting advice from your friend in Maryland and they're saying, yeah, yeah, when I got divorced, I got alimony for like the next 400 years of my life. Like that's totally a thing. Like just so you know, but no, no, no, no, no, because here's the deal. You're in Wyoming and guess what?

In Wyoming, alimony is not guaranteed. In Wyoming, you can also have short-term, or what they call rehabilitative alimony, meaning just enough to kind of help the individual get back on their feet. In fact, in Wyoming,

judges tend to focus on helping a spouse transition to a place of financial independence. So if you're getting advice from someone, or even if you know better than that, right?

and you know that you can't take their word for it. You're not gonna like talk to your friend who got divorced in another galaxy in another time and then go to your lawyer well, my friend in Rhode Island says this, this, this. Here's what it's still gonna do. In your mind, it's gonna give you that little twinge of an unrealistic expectation. And on some subconscious level,

it's going to impact you. You're gonna walk away and you're gonna think, you'd be, even though I've been married for 20 years, I might not have to owe this person alimony. All I have to do is worry about getting Johnny come lately back to a place of financial stability and then I'm not gonna pay him, but that might not be the case. So do not set yourself up for disappointment, not to mention

attorney's fees by bringing something up to your attorney that is not the case in your jurisdiction and then God knows how many back and forth emails you had about this discrepancy. That could be $320. That could be $420. It could be God knows how much money. So know that. Okay. Number four.

things that you should not do ever when you get a divorce. And this is so embarrassing, but I'm going to tell you a story. Never unmute yourself while you are in Zoom court and answer a question that was meant for an attorney, not you, but an attorney who has the same name as you. So

I got divorced during the COVID administration and it was a wacky time. Everything was online. And I think things are still often online, but everything was online. Every single hearing, every single everything was a Zoom. And if you guys have been through this, then you know that you're all kind of shoved into this like Zoom. It's not even a waiting room, it's court.

and you're hearing other people's cases, kind of. It was like the strangest thing. Like you're watching people work through their divorce while they're like in their cars. I remember one guy, this is a true story. One guy was an Amazon delivery person and he was making deliveries while he was in a hearing. And the judge got so irritated with him. They were like, can you please like get back in your van?

and pay attention to us because we need to be your priority right now, not the prime delivery. But anyway, here's what I did. There's an attorney in my area that has the same last name as me. For some reason, probably because I was nervous and uncomfortable, I thought that the judge was asking me to weigh in on another person's

court matter. So when the judge said, well, Ms. Rappaport, what do you think? Clearly, the judge was talking to the attorney on that case. Not me. No, no. But guess who unmuted herself and started weighing in on this person's case? That would be me.

It is so embarrassing. It's so stupid. as I'm saying this now, I'm thinking, what am I thinking? Why would I think in a million years that a judge is asking me? Why? Why me? Yo, you. You look like a smart lady. You from the peanut gallery. What do you think? But I unmuted myself, and I started talking. And my attorney

I mean, their head must have revolved around. It was so embarrassing, so stupid. ⁓ And it must have lasted for like a handful of seconds. Like I don't even even remember what I said. I remember it was something like, well, ⁓ you know, I think it was so dumb. And then they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, I'm sorry, not you. You need to be back on mute. We'll call you when it's your turn. Like, ⁓ my God, so embarrassing. So never unmute yourself.

unless you're being spoken to in court. Not that you would, but I just thought that you needed a little levity. Okay, the third thing that you should never ever do during a divorce. This is serious. Never respond to threats or aggressive emails within the same hour that you read them. You may or may not know this.

but it takes 20 minutes for your nervous system to reset. So take that number, triple it, and then there you go. When we get an email and we feel like we're being threatened, it's our natural response to snap back, right? And especially if somebody says something about us that's not true.

or if somebody says something to us that feels that that's threatening, what we really care about, whether it's our money, our house, our kids, whatever it is, we want to snap back. But we're not going to make a good decision when we do that, when we respond emotionally. And we've talked about this 100 times before, but here's the parameters I'm going to give you. You got to wait at least an hour. Do not respond within the same hour. And...

on this upcoming episode that's going to come out on Friday, we're going to give you two acronyms, because you know I love an acronym, that you can use to help you assess whether or not you need to respond to this aggressive email or slash threat and how you should do it. But please give yourself an hour. And when you're taking those 20 minutes, 60 minutes, go do something to help your body.

Go do something to help you reset your nervous system. Walk. Ice. Taking ice, chewing on ice. Well, I guess a dentist probably wouldn't want you to chew on ice. Put ice in your mouth. ⁓ Drink ice cold water. Ice will reset your nervous system. You can also hold ice to your wrists. ⁓ Doing any kind of vigorous exercise. I know, gag. But like 20 jumping jacks.

A few squats, something that really gets your blood pumping is good for you before you go for a walk. So do that. Okay. Number two, never bring your new love interest into the drama of your divorce. Yeah, there's a good chance you're going to date during this process.

Big deal. If Morgan was here right now, Morgan would say, I don't think it's a good deal if you date. It could cause a lot of problems. And yeah, it can, but I'm going to be real with you. You're probably going to want to date. Bringing them into the drama is such a bad decision. And it is hard to not do that, but I'm going to tell you what. First of all, it's not hot. It's never going to be hot. Don't. It stresses.

the new girlfriend or the new boyfriend out and the advice that they are going to give you because they're gonna feel bad and they're gonna wanna help, it's not gonna be good advice and it's gonna make things so much messier. I did this. I did it. I've been very open about the fact that I dated throughout my entire divorce, same person whom I'm now married to.

And there were times where I brought him into the shit. It's kind of hard not to, because there was a lot of shit going on. And it did make things messier. Because people who care about you want to help. They offer their opinion. And they don't really know. Again, if they've also been divorced, then they're using their experience. And they're kind of weighing in based on what they know. It doesn't necessarily pertain.

to your divorce, even if they live in the same jurisdiction. You're not talking about the same people. You're not talking about the same stakes. You're not talking about the same kids, any of the same details. The other thing that it does is then it puts you in this awkward loyalty bind. The person you're dating has now given you advice. You want to listen to them because you don't want to offend them that you're not listening to them.

but you don't know if they're really right. You've run this by your attorney. Your attorney's like, the fuck is telling you to do that? No, absolutely not. And it just puts you in the middle of something sticky and icky. So my advice to you is you can say some stuff went on. Just to be clear, I don't need legal guidance here. if I can just say a few things for a few minutes and

you don't respond and I'm gonna get this off my chest and then we can move on with the rest of our night. You can do that. It's gonna be really hard for you to shut down completely and not share anything and they're gonna know that there's something going on. And the other thing I will tell you, and this is hard, if you're having a day that is bad, if you're having a day in your divorce that feels like you've been steamrolled, it might be a

better idea to put off plans with your new boyfriend, girlfriend, or just person you're dating that night. I know it feels like counterintuitive because we want to have comfort. We don't want to be by ourselves, but that might be a night that's better for a friend. I had to do this. I had nights where I just knew, especially after like an exchange with the kids where I just felt so low and sad. I'm like, you know what? This is not good.

for me to drive over to his house right now and just show up like this mess, this sad, empty mess. And believe me, there were times where I probably did do that. But think before you go over there, I'll tell you something that I used to do to help soothe me. I would wander around a Marshalls or a TJ Maxx for like an hour to regulate. Yeah, I don't know what that says about me, except that I'm a Jewish girl who loves the bargain.

But ⁓ seriously, I would just wander around somewhere just to like look at pretty things or silly things or kind of like help me get my mind off it. I would go work out. would do something. And then I would assess the situation and say, okay, can I go on a date right now or do I need to keep to myself tonight? Okay, let's round this out, shall we? Drum roll, please.

The number one thing.

that you should not ever, never, ever, ever do during a divorce. Never believe the shit that your soon-to-be ex is going to say about you when they are trying to wear you down.

this happened to me over and over and over again. And it worked because this happened to me over and over again during the course of my marriage. So I was really used to believing things about me that weren't true. And it's kind of like what we talked about in number one.

where it's like on some intellectual level, you know, like, that's not right. I'm not gonna take advice from a friend who got divorced in 1937. I bet the laws have changed. But still like something creeps in your brain. It's kind of like this. You know that you're not, you know, an idiot, a disgusting walrus who deserves no love, who's never gonna amount to anything.

above a person who works at Kmart and red light specials and you know, whatever, you know that that's not the case, but there's something that goes on in your brain that little teeny tiny seed of doubt is planted. Maybe I'm not enough. Maybe I'm really that damaged that no one will ever love me. Maybe I really do need her or need him.

Maybe I am a bad parent. Maybe there's some bit of truth in what they're saying about me. Don't. Don't. They're saying this with the intent to weaken you so that they can have more power. I ain't saying you're perfect. I mean, you probably are. Who are we kidding? But I'm not saying you're perfect. And let your therapist

work that out with you. Okay? This is not the place for your soon-to-be ex to help you have this awakening. And you're like, ⁓ I'm going to blossom into the best version of myself. No, you're fucking not. You're not going to be the best version of yourself right now. Right now, you are going to survive. The best version of yourself comes after this divorce. Do not let that stuff creep in. As soon as you recognize

that somebody is hurting you for the sake of hurting you. You have to say out loud, stop. Stop. Say the word out loud. I am gonna stop. I'm not listening to this. This is not accurate and this is only being said with the intent to pull me down so that they have more control over a situation. I promise you, you are not a disgusting person. I promise you, you are smart.

I promise you that you will be okay if I told you the things that were said to

and I let some of it creep into my brain to the point where I'm still working through it. And it's been several years. There's things that crept into my brain long before I even started the divorce process that I still believe about myself that are not true. So please recognize that. You are going to get through this process. And like I said before, you will not heal.

from this while you are navigating the storm. It's an unrealistic expectation to think that your divorce is healing. Your divorce ain't healing. Getting married is a business. It's a business agreement. Falling in love is emotional. Getting married is a business agreement. Getting divorced is a business agreement and it's very emotional. It sucks, but we're gonna help you through this.

I'm gonna help you along with Morgan avoid some of these major divorce mistakes that can cost you so much money and so much agony. I do not want that to be your reality. So please listen to these mini episodes, listen to the full episodes. We've got one coming at you on Friday. It's gonna be really good. Like I said, we're gonna give you some acronyms that are gonna really help you not.

respond to threats and aggressive emails in a way that could blow up your case. And these acronyms are going to help you see things a little bit more clearly. We've gone over some of these before, but we're going to kind of serve it up in a different light to help you really wrap your arms around what we want you to do. Until then, remember, divorce is a marathon. It is not a sprint. There are going to be days that feel really hard.

they're going to be days that don't feel so hard. And you're going to feel like, ooh, who am I? Stella, who got her groove back. And then bam, you're going to be steamrolled by something awful. It's OK. You're going to get up. And you're going to keep going. You're going to lean on your community. If you need more of a community, you're going to go and join our private community. If you need more guidance, go to the website.

The website is getting overhauled as we speak and I am so excited about the new website, you guys. my God. Geeking out. It's gonna be so good and so pretty and so awesome. We've got some brand new guides coming on the website. There's a brand new version of the Divorce Crash Course that is coming out any day now. Everything that we do is designed to help you not suffer the way that I suffered and not suffer the way that my kids suffered.

So know this, you can do it. You're doing it right now. You have got this and we, my friends, have got you.