Sam Vander Wielen:

Hey. And welcome back to On Your Terms podcast.

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I'm your host, Sam Vander Wielen, an attorney turned entrepreneur who helps online

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coaches and service providers legally protect and grow their online businesses

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using my DIY legal templates and the Ultimate Bundle.

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On the show, each week, I bring you fresh tips on how to legally protect your business

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and grow that business on your terms.

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It's kind of my thing.

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So I am so excited because today we're going to talk about where to put your value, where

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to get your value really from in your business, and whose opinion we're really

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considering when we're creating content, when we're expressing ourselves in our

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business, kind of creating your brand and your vibe.

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This was inspired by a Frasier episode that I saw the other night, so I'm really excited

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to get into it with you in a minute.

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But I am also excited because next week is my 100th episode of On Your Terms.

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I cannot believe that I've done 100 episodes.

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On the one hand, I have to be honest, I feel like it should be like a thousand episodes.

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It feels like a lot. And then on the other, I'm like wow, a hundred, but that's always

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how I feel about things.

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So I can't believe it's 100 episodes next week and it's going to be a very special

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episode. I'm going to give you my best podcast tips and tricks.

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A lot of people have been asking about what equipment I use and how I edit the podcast

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and how I come up with content and how I've grown it and how I've gotten increased

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downloads and all that kind of stuff and like how I use that as a podcast funnel.

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So I'm going to talk about that all next week.

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I'm also going to be giving a little giveaway.

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I'm going to give a package away of my favorite podcast related items.

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So if you already have a podcast or you want to start it, you're definitely going to want

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to listen because you could win my tech package for a podcast.

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So before I get into the episode, I have to give a shout out to Crafty Mama On The Go who

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shared a review on Apple Podcasts.

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She said, "Sam shares so much value on her podcast, helping the audience to navigate

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complicated topics in easy-to-understand terms.

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I always appreciate learning from her, even on topics that I already have background in.

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Special appreciation for her detailed podcast notes and transcripts which help for note

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taking on these complex topics."

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If you're listening to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, please do me a favor and quickly

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leave a rating and review on the podcast.

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I would love to give you a shout out in a future episode.

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With that, let's hop into this episode, all inspired by an episode of Frasier.

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So I don't know if you're like a before bed TV watcher or maybe just like as you wind

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down. But personally, I really like watching sitcoms that are like cozy, nice, like

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feeling sitcoms that I know I've also seen before so that I'm not like, too paying

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attention, right, like before I go to bed.

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So I can kind of relax. I know what the plot is.

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I love the characters.

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They kind of feel like family, yada yada.

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So I kind of feel like that about Friends.

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I really love Will and Grace.

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I like love Frasier.

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I love Cheers.

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I used to watch Cheers a lot when I was a kid.

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So any of this kind of like probably nineties.

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I'm a nineties kids, like nineties sitcoms, they make me feel really nice before bed.

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So as usual, watching one of these and I was watching Frasier.

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And it's the episode I'm going to talk about, by the way, is season 3 episode 23 in case

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you want to go watch it.

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But I was watching this episode of Frasier and it's so funny because as, if you've seen

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it before, you know that Frasier has a radio show a.k.a Modern Day podcast.

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And the radio station decides to run a focus group because they want to learn more about

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what people like about his radio show, what they don't like, all this kind of stuff.

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So they bring together this focus group to talk about Frasier show.

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He's behind one of those like two-way mirrors.

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And everybody who comes to the focus group is 100 percent positive, like they have

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nothing to offer as feedback.

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They're like, oh, I love that show.

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He's so great, he's smart, yada, yada.

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Except one guy who is the actor, Tony Shalhoub.

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And so if you've ever seen Monk or something like that.

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So in this episode where Tony Shalhoub is one of the focus group attendees, he's really

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silent when everybody else is going on and on about how much they love Frasier.

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And the focus group coordinator is like, "What about you?

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You haven't said anything." And he's like, "Well, I don't like him."

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everyone else is saying how much they love him, right?

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And they're like, "Well, tell us more." And he's like, "I don't know.

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I just don't like it." And Frasier, who's behind the two-way mirror just loses it, like

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he cannot stand it.

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And if you've seen Frasier before, you know,

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Frasier is super self-absorbed and really into himself and goes off on these things and

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whatever.

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He needs to know why Tony Shalhoub's character does not like him, so he actually

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tracks him down. He works at or owns a newspaper stand in Seattle.

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And so he tracks him down and he pulls up his car outside of his newspaper stand, and

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Frasier makes his father get out of the car to go ask Tony Shalhoub why he doesn't like

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Frasier. And when he asks Tony Shalhoub, Tony says, "I just think he's annoying." And

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so that's all he'll say.

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And he's just like, I just don't like him.

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So the dad comes back and tells Frasier, and it's still not good enough for Frasier to

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know. He's like, now I need to know more.

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Like, why does he think I'm annoying?

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Why doesn't he like me?

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So Frasier goes to talk to himself.

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He drives this guy so crazy that the guy leaves his newsstand.

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And in the process, I forget something happens, and essentially the newsstand

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catches on fire and burns down, like after the guy leaves and as Frasier's standing

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there.

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But like my brain, the way my brain works, well, one of the ways one of the many, many

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ways, is that whenever I see pretty much anything, I always convert business lessons

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out of it. So when I saw this, I was like, it's so interesting to me because in this

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episode I was thinking most people in the online business world, when they would teach

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you a lesson out of this, what they would say is, don't worry about the one guy, the

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Tony Shalhoub, who didn't like you or thought who you were annoying, like in your

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audience or online.

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Listen to all the others that were in the room, the other 12 in the room, who all

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thought you were amazing.

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If all these other people love you, then it doesn't matter that that one person doesn't

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love you.

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there are always going to be people who don't like you, so just pay attention to the ones

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who do. And I was thinking, that's actually not what I think we should do either.

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I actually think we shouldn't listen to any of them because I was thinking as somebody

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now who's been in business for six years, I was thinking that it's dangerous also to care

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about and really pay attention too much to the people who do like you too.

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First of all, I mean, I have so many things to think about, to talk with you about today.

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But I just think that we have to believe in our own businesses and ourselves more than

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others. Right. And we can't get that external validation as to whether we're good

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people or good enough people.

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I think this often gets confused and where there's a lot of nuance in this is that it is

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really important to take feedback about your products, right?

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Because you want to create products that are really good for your actual ideal customer,

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not just stuff that you like.

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So we can't kind of have this everyone's opinion be damned approach when it comes to

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actually creating our products.

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But in terms of building an audience, getting feedback, you're going to get a lot of

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positive feedback and you're going to get some critical or negative or just find out

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people don't like you or people sometimes yes, make very mean comments.

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That's very rare, but it happens.

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And I always say we can't really pay attention to either, because if we pay

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attention to all the good stuff too, we're still putting our worth and our validation

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and our kind of like North Star in the positive comments.

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And so if I'm going to discount the negative ones, it's not that I discount the positive,

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but I don't take them to mean that I'm a good person or I'm doing a good job or people

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like me or don't like me.

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Do you know what I mean? It's like we can't really pay attention to either of the

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extremes.

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Like with revenue, I always say to myself and to others, I'm like, you are not your

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revenue. And so that means you're not your revenue.

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If it's really low, it doesn't mean you're bad, your business is bad, you're not a good

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coach or a good service provider.

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And if your business or your revenue is very, very high, it doesn't mean you're an

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incredible person who can go around doing whatever the heck you want and never looking

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back. So I take both.

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Like I'm just like, I'm not my revenue either way.

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The revenue is data and it's feedback as to how well the product is doing, but like that

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doesn't mean anything about me as a person.

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It's not healthy for us to look to anybody else or outside of all this for validation,

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right? I mean, as humans, it's natural that we all want to be accepted and loved.

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And so I'm always very compassionate towards myself.

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Something I talked to my therapist about that, of course, you want to be like -- like

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only -- people who say this whole like, I don't care what anybody thinks, to me and

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apparently, according to my therapist, I won't speak for her, but I remember her

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saying that that's a defense mechanism that we put up to say that you can't injure me

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because I don't care. But really, we do care, which is why you're saying that.

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So I'm not saying who cares, do whatever you want.

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It's just that we can't only think that we're good or bad based on other people's

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opinions, which is why I'm bringing up this example of Frazier, because I do think that

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the majority of the advice that you're given would be just pay attention to the good ones,

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just pay attention to all the people who love you.

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We're still putting your value in those other people's opinions, right.

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In episode 81, if you haven't listened to it already, I give you a pep talk about

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believing in your business before other people do, and about being the Phillies, the

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Philadelphia Phillies of your own business.

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So one of the reasons why I really believe in this and why I'm bringing it up is because

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that's a great example of where you might not have that external validation for a

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while. If you're in the earlier stages of your business, you might not be getting a lot

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of positive feedback. You might not have a room full of people who are loving you.

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That doesn't mean that, first of all, you're not doing a good job and that you're not very

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worthy and like a good coach, you also can't act like that because it's almost like you

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have to act like you already have a room full of people and show up as if they're

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already there in order to then one day look back and be like, oh wow, there's like a room

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full of people here now.

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Sometimes I kind of feel like that's how my business feels these days.

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It's like I feel like I kind of just showed up anyway.

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And I don't feel like I acted like there were a lot of people or like there was a lot

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of that excitement, but I just kind of didn't pay attention.

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Like I just showed up anyway. I didn't really pay attention to it.

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And then now I kind of look around sometimes I'm like, oh wow.

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I think there are a lot of people here and they have a lot of thoughts.

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It's very interesting.

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And I just think that's a healthier way to approach it.

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And so if you did listen to episode 81, then you'll remember that my story about the

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Phillies was that the Phillies, my beloved Philadelphia Phillies where I'm from, they

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were not considered to be a World Series worthy team this past year, to the point

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where on the day that my father passed away actually, one of the last things he said, we

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were all standing around his bedside talking and I was sobbing and uncontrollable was that

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he said something about the Phillies.

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The Phillies were playing the Mets that day.

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And he said Phillies win 3 to 2.

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They hadn't even played yet.

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They were playing that afternoon.

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He said this in the morning.

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And everybody kind of giggled like, yeah, right, right.

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Like the Phillies sucked.

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The Phillies actually won 3 to 2 later that day.

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It was really strange.

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My father was no longer speaking at that time, but it was really wild to see.

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But, you know, the point was that , nobody expected them to be any good.

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And looking back on it, one of the things I thought was really, really cool about this

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year's Phillies team was that when they got to the World Series, it was like they

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believed that they were going there all along and it was kind of like everybody else

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was getting on board, right?

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Like they didn't need everybody to be patting their ego the whole season saying, you guys

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are a World Series worthy team, or they weren't like the hot team to watch or like,

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anything like this.

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It was just like, holy, the Phillies got to the World Series.

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And it was like everybody else was getting really excited for them, but they were kind

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of like, yeah, this was the plan.

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Like, we're here. This was the plan all along.

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So I really think it's very important in our business that we look for that within

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ourselves that you work on really thinking that you're good at what you do, that you

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have a lot to offer, that you're unique, that you're helpful and useful to people, and

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that the right people will be attracted to you and find you.

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And not that you need to continue to look for people who like you and then try to fit

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yourself into the mold of whatever that means so that those people will continue to

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like you, right?

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So I wouldn't put my value in those 12 people or so who were in Frazier's focus group who

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loved him, because first of all, I thought, well, they can change, right?

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They can change their opinion.

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They can change their feelings about us.

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We say something that offends them.

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They find out something about us that they don't like, they change, right?

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And we can't control that.

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And so if we put our likability or our approval rating in their hands, then we're

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basically saying that we have to keep shapeshifting ourselves to fit into whatever

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it is that they want, which we can't control, and we don't really know what they

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want.

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Like what do we believe in?

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What do we stand for as ourselves, as business owners.

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What do you want your business's mission to be?

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What do you want your business's values to be?

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And what do you want other people to think about when they hear about your business,

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when they hear about you, when your name pops up?

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Not just in terms of your name association.

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Like I want my name to pop up when somebody think legal for online businesses, right?

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But I also want them to think like cozy, down to earth, nice, decent person.

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I want them to think of who I really am.

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That's not like an image.

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This is just like me being myself and who I am.

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And so I have to have a really strong idea of what I want that to look like instead of

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letting other people dictate what that looks like for me.

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And I think the key is that by getting really clear on what you stand for and what

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you don't stand for, you'll attract people who don't just necessarily agree with you

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hundred percent. We're not necessarily looking for people who just think every

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single thing that we think and never disagree with us like robots.

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Instead, at least for me, I want to attract people who respect me for knowing what I want

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or appreciate that I share my opinion and that we can have conversation and maybe

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respectfully disagree or say like I don't love that thing that she does, or this thing

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is a little different than what I would do.

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But like, I really appreciate that she has a good moral compass.

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It doesn't need to be me.

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I don't need to see me reflected in everybody else.

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And I know that not everyone in my audience thinks like me, agrees with me, wants to have

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a business or a life that looks like mine.

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I know that not everybody is as sarcastic as I am or as dry humored as I am.

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That's okay. And I think most of the time the feedback that I get from people is that

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they're just inspired by seeing me be myself, right?

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Not necessarily because they have every single thing in common.

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I think that by being yourself and not trying to be like the person that the 12

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people in the focus group room think that you are, that you will inspire other people

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to act more like them.

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And I think at the end of the day, that's really what people want to do.

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They want to be themselves.

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They're looking for permission to be more of themselves.

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Most people are really inspired by seeing you act like yourself and the people who are

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not. It's because there's something going on with them that makes them feel like for some

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reason it's not okay for them to act or to be or to express who they really are.

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And you doing that really threatens them, right?

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So I really personally think instead of you trying to shapeshift and mold yourself into a

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person who is likeable to the people who you're already attracting, I would just

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encourage you to be more of yourself and that will inspire you, that will help you to

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attract people who you inspire because they want to be more like them.

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So if I start building my business based on whether or not they like me or agree with

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everything that I say, I'm not really being inspiring or as successful as I think because

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that could change, right?

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That can really shift.

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But me being myself, I hope that I as a person continue to evolve and change and all

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this good stuff, but that's going to change.

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And the point -- but the thing that remained steady right and the point is that me being

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myself is what stays the same.

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Myself and my qualities can change, but being true to myself can be the kind of steady

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point that inspires other people to do the same.

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So I'm really curious what this brings up for you, what you're thinking.

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I know it's really hard in online business because there's a lot of like aspirational

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marketing and kind of lifestyle marketing where you share things that make people want

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to like be in your orbit.

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But I personally think that it's not all the crap that we like associated with, which is

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like, oh, she drives a fancy car, she has a fancy house.

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Yes, there are going to be people that are attracted to that, whatever.

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But the point to me would be more like people who I'm like, wow, I'm so inspired by how

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she's so confident, she's so outgoing or I love that she just goes for what she wants,

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and she does what she wants to do.

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She's really curious.

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I love people who are curious.

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I love people who are multifaceted.

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I love people who are considerate of nuance and who don't make sharp, judgmental, harsh

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opinions about things.

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That's the kind of stuff that I'm attracted to, not necessarily people who think exactly

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like I do, drive the same car exactly like I do.

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Right.

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Where could you stop focusing on creating content from an angle of pleasing other

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people so that you think that this is what people want to see versus really showing

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people who you are truly and showing who you are, that you're committed to being yourself

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and see how that inspires them instead.

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I would love for us to stop putting our value in other people's opinions and instead

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have this within ourselves and let everybody catch up.

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So will you do me a favor?

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Will you send me a DM and let me know what this brought up for you?

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I'm very, very curious if it was helpful to you at all.

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With that, I'll make sure that I link to the Frasier episode down below.

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I've also got my legally legit checklist for you down below where you can download the

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five steps to form your business, get paid, protect your content, and so much more.

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So that will be done in the show notes and of course, my free legal workshop, Five Steps

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to Legally Protect and Grow Your Online Business as well.

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Otherwise, my DMS are always open at @SamVanderWielen on Instagram.

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And I can't wait to chat with you later this week.

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Thanks so much for listening to the On Your Terms podcast.

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Make sure to follow on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you like to listen to

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podcast. You can also check out all of our podcast episodes, show notes, links and more

Sam Vander Wielen:

at samvanderwielen.com/podcast.

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You can learn more about legally protecting your business and take my free legal

Sam Vander Wielen:

workshop, Five Steps to Legally Protect and Grow Your Online Business at samvanderwielen

Sam Vander Wielen:

.com. And to stay connected and follow along, follow me on Instagram at @SamVanderWielen