1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,200 Intentional Communication: 2 00:00:03,200 --> 00:00:04,720 Emotional Validation, 3 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:05,520 Listening, 4 00:00:05,520 --> 00:00:06,640 Empathy, 5 00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:10,160 and the Art of Harmonious Relationships Written by 6 00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:13,040 Patrick King, narrated by russell newton. 7 00:00:13,040 --> 00:00:22,640 “Deep human connection is the purpose and the result of a meaningful 8 00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:26,760 life—and it will inspire the most amazing acts of love, 9 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:30,120 generosity and humanity." 10 00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:40,560 - Melinda Gates Each of us shares this planet with 7.8 billion other people. 11 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:45,840 Really let that sink in for a moment—7.8 billion people, 12 00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:48,280 all completely unique, 13 00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:54,400 all playing out from birth to death and epic saga filled with love, 14 00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:54,760 fear, 15 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:56,240 change, 16 00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:57,600 adversity, 17 00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:01,160 hope ...just like you. 18 00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:07,320 A handful of people in that 7.8 billion are those who you love and cherish. 19 00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:11,480 But there are also the people you will work with and for, 20 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:14,720 the people who can help you excel and achieve, 21 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:18,240 the people who need your help and your unique gifts, 22 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:22,800 and the people who are going to challenge you to evolve in ways you can’t yet 23 00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:24,720 imagine. 24 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:30,280 Despite our being jam-packed and full of possibilities to connect, 25 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:37,160 the world today is set up to reinforce an illusion of separateness. 26 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:41,720 We may feel that we are fundamentally alone in our experience, 27 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:46,280 with our sole responsibility being to advance our own narrow interests, 28 00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:47,880 gain material security, 29 00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:53,320 or bolster our egos against a hostile and uninterested universe. 30 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:57,480 And yet ...in our most vulnerable moments, 31 00:01:57,480 --> 00:02:03,720 we remember what really matters - deep human connection. 32 00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:07,880 If there’s just one skill that will guarantee you a happier, 33 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:09,880 more successful life, 34 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:12,280 it’s the ability to have compassionate, 35 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:16,680 cooperative relationships with other people. 36 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:18,560 Whether it’s with your family members, 37 00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:19,160 friends, 38 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:19,920 colleagues, 39 00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:21,800 or romantic partners, 40 00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:27,040 there’s no area of life that isn’t improved when you get on better with the 41 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:28,400 other humans in your world. 42 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:35,240 Poor relationships are arguably the most significant public health 43 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:38,600 risk—without proper communication, 44 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,480 we are unable to parent, 45 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:42,080 unable to love, 46 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:44,240 unable to lead in business, 47 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:46,160 unable to negotiate, 48 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:50,800 and entirely unable to make sense of our lives in our friendships, 49 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:52,280 our families, 50 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:53,120 our communities. 51 00:02:53,120 --> 00:03:00,920 Communication is nothing less than the fabric that stitches all 7.8 billion of 52 00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:03,200 us together. 53 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:04,360 In this book, 54 00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:08,920 we’ll be looking at practical ways to transform yourself into someone who is 55 00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:09,400 likeable, 56 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:11,800 communicates well, 57 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:13,360 and has meaningful, 58 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:17,520 productive connections with others. 59 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:21,280 Though this might be an area of difficulty for you currently, 60 00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:28,360 the good news is that all of us have the capacity to improve the way we connect 61 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:31,480 and communicate. 62 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:38,560 You versus Me ...or Us versus the Problem Let’s begin, 63 00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:39,120 however, 64 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:43,600 with all the things that stand in the way of us being the compassionate, 65 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:47,400 emotionally intelligent people we want to be. 66 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:50,960 If people desire better relationships, 67 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:55,920 then why do they find it so difficult to cultivate them? 68 00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:57,280 Unfortunately, 69 00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:01,760 our world is geared up to emphasize the narcissistic, 70 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:03,120 the competitive, 71 00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:04,400 and the combative in us, 72 00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:10,120 while there is comparatively little training or education on how to engage 73 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:13,000 cooperatively with our fellow man. 74 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:15,320 The first step to learning to be better, 75 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:16,080 though, 76 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:19,240 is acknowledging what isn’t working currently. 77 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:20,280 In this book, 78 00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:25,600 we’ll keep returning to several core concepts and mindset shifts that 79 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:28,520 underpin our approach to improving relationships. 80 00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:35,720 Perhaps the biggest one is simple - it’s how we frame arguments. 81 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:40,880 Imagine a married couple who have exactly the same argument every few months. 82 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:45,840 The wife feels emotionally neglected and sidelined while the husband works, 83 00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:48,800 and her fears mount until she raises the issue. 84 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,160 She says, 85 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:54,040 “I feel unloved,” and he hears, 86 00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:56,200 “You don’t love me. 87 00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:57,320 You’re doing something wrong." 88 00:04:57,320 --> 00:05:03,360 He goes on the defensive and starts explaining how hard he works—to support 89 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:03,640 her! 90 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:06,200 Isn’t she grateful? 91 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:07,840 Does she think that she’s perfect? 92 00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:12,760 The wife feels even more unloved. 93 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:18,560 There are countless examples of these boring old arguments a million times over 94 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:19,800 all across the world. 95 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:22,240 You’ve probably had some of them yourself, 96 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:22,440 right? 97 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,160 What they all have in common, 98 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:25,440 though, 99 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:29,200 is that they position the other person as an enemy. 100 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:31,040 It’s them versus you. 101 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:37,880 Many of us go into combat mode so automatically that we literally cannot think 102 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:39,440 of any other way to communicate. 103 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:41,760 If you disagree, 104 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:46,040 doesn’t that logically make the other person your adversary? 105 00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:48,240 The answer is no! 106 00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:55,120 Communication experts understand this point - That it’s always you and the 107 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:58,800 other person as a team working against the problem, 108 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:03,040 rather than you and the other person working against one another. 109 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:08,440 The goal of conversations is never to declare a winner. 110 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:09,840 It’s to create harmony, 111 00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:11,080 connection, 112 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:12,000 and understanding. 113 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:15,760 Imagine it as partner dancing, 114 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:19,240 rather than martial arts! 115 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:21,040 Simply get into the habit of saying, 116 00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:26,080 “We’re on the same team,” and you’ll find this instantly brings you 117 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:28,840 both into a more cooperative mindset. 118 00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:33,080 When you have a relationship with someone, 119 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:37,720 healthy communication is geared toward protection and maintenance of that 120 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:40,440 connection—not to hurting the other person, 121 00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:42,320 blaming them, 122 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:45,520 or finding out who is the villain and who the hero. 123 00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:52,160 This latter approach is like doing salsa dance with someone and trying to 124 00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:56,280 compete to see who can get to the end of the song fastest—not only does it 125 00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:57,080 not make sense, 126 00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:59,920 nobody will enjoy the experience! 127 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:06,280 Disagreement or conflict does not need to be an invitation to go into war mode 128 00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:07,360 with another person. 129 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:09,120 For the couple above, 130 00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:14,320 they can really start to shift the issue when they realize that they love one 131 00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:16,560 another and are both on the same side. 132 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:20,480 The wife loves her husband and wants to spend time with him; 133 00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:24,520 the husband loves his wife and wants to provide for her. 134 00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:28,800 When they stop seeing one another as the source of the problem, 135 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:35,880 they can appreciate this monumental fact and put it front and center. 136 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:37,320 No offense and defense, 137 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:38,640 but teamwork. 138 00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:40,560 No blame or guilt, 139 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:43,720 but honest identification of the problem, 140 00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:45,320 and a joint effort to fix it. 141 00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:48,000 No you and me, 142 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:49,280 but us. 143 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:52,360 Your enemy is not the other person, 144 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:55,520 but whatever is standing in the way of your connection. 145 00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:57,840 No winner and loser; 146 00:07:57,840 --> 00:07:59,520 we win together, 147 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:01,240 or we lose together. 148 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:03,360 Often, 149 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:07,600 people get into heated arguments because deep down they feel threatened, 150 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:08,720 unloved, 151 00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:11,360 unheard or disrespected. 152 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:18,920 These needs can be so strong and overpowering that they temporarily eclipse the 153 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:21,120 need for relationship harmony. 154 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:22,440 But here, 155 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:28,720 we make a mistake - this zero-sum thinking has us believing that either we get 156 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:29,640 what we want, 157 00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:32,040 or the other person gets what they want. 158 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:32,920 So, 159 00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:36,280 if we feel like we are not getting enough understanding or love, 160 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:40,000 we assume we have to take it from the other person. 161 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:42,280 If we want to feel right, 162 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:45,560 we assume that we need to make the other person feel wrong. 163 00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:46,840 Of course, 164 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:50,040 in a healthy relationship of any kind, 165 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:51,240 goodwill, 166 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:51,760 love, 167 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:56,480 and respect are not finite quantities that have to be squabbled over. 168 00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:58,400 Everyone can be right! 169 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:00,360 Or on the other hand, 170 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:03,360 two people can differ in their opinions, 171 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:06,800 yet there is no problem and no reason to fight. 172 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:14,280 An emotional discussion often has a feeling of lack or fear at its very core. 173 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:15,680 When you say, 174 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:21,280 “We’re a team,” it helps to dissolve these feelings and orient you toward 175 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:22,000 solutions. 176 00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:24,680 In mentioning solutions, 177 00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:25,120 however, 178 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:30,040 it’s worth noting that there are two levels that conversations of this kind 179 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:32,720 usually play out on - 1. 180 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:36,240 The objective content 2. 181 00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:42,120 The emotional content Imagine a friend shows up late to a meeting, 182 00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:44,360 and the other friend is angry about it. 183 00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:45,520 They argue. 184 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:50,000 The objective content is the fact of the tardiness, 185 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:54,720 and they may fight at length about exactly why the friend was late, 186 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,800 and the times it’s happened before, 187 00:09:56,800 --> 00:10:00,160 and how bad lateness is or isn’t. 188 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:05,480 But while the argument is a tussle between the friends over where to assign 189 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:05,920 blame, 190 00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:12,920 the emotional content is going unspoken - one friend is hurt that the other 191 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:15,960 does not value their friendship as much as they do. 192 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:22,960 Some relationships are one hundred percent objective content—they keep 193 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:27,520 returning to the petty details because they never address the real emotional 194 00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:28,680 core of the problem. 195 00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:32,520 The next time you have an argument with someone, 196 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:36,560 take a pause and ask yourself some grounding questions - 197 00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:40,440 •Are you trying to protect and deepen your connection, 198 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:44,760 or are you trying to prove that you’re the winner, 199 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:45,760 i.e., 200 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:47,920 you’re right and they’re wrong? 201 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:54,000 •Have you unconsciously (or consciously!) 202 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:57,880 positioned the other person up as an attacker or enemy? 203 00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:04,560 •Are you exclusively focused on your point of view and forcing the other 204 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:05,720 person to accept it, 205 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:08,720 rather than seeking a compromise between you? 206 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:14,120 •What is the emotional content of the situation right now? 207 00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:18,720 Arguments are a natural part of life. 208 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:23,360 We can navigate them in such a way as to create distance and fear, 209 00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:29,680 or we can use them as opportunities to grow as individuals and strengthen our 210 00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:30,840 bonds with others. 211 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:33,800 In the thick of an argument, 212 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:37,160 it can be tempting to enjoy being the victim, 213 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:39,280 to heap blame on others, 214 00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:41,960 to shut down in defensiveness, 215 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,600 or to get aggressive. 216 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:46,400 Even if you “win” an argument this way, 217 00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:46,680 though, 218 00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:49,000 you ultimately lose. 219 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:55,640 It’s so important to become aware of your emotions and see that no matter how 220 00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:57,640 strong or unpleasant they are, 221 00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:03,160 it doesn’t change the fact that you and the other person are a solid, 222 00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:04,720 unified team. 223 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:07,400 If you’re struggling, 224 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:12,200 turn your attention away from the other person and look at yourself for a 225 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:13,560 moment. 226 00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:18,480 Ask what is stopping you from seeing the other person as an ally and partner. 227 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:22,960 Dig deep and you’ll likely find unmet needs. 228 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:25,680 In later chapters, 229 00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:30,320 we’ll talk about ways to get these needs met without having to make the other 230 00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:32,640 person responsible or wrong. 231 00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:33,360 But for now, 232 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:36,960 it’s enough to simply remind yourself that disagreement, 233 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:38,000 friction, 234 00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:38,640 hurt, 235 00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:41,080 or confusion are normal. 236 00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:43,400 The good news? 237 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:47,920 We can disagree with someone and still have a good relationship with them. 238 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:49,640 We can still listen, 239 00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,280 we can still be heard, 240 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:55,160 and we can still communicate with compassion and respect. 241 00:12:55,160 --> 00:13:00,760 The goal of all communication is to maintain a healthy and happy connection. 242 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:04,120 The goal is not to beat the other person down, 243 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:05,120 to win, 244 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:06,440 to make your case, 245 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:07,680 to blame them, 246 00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:10,200 to get them to recognize your truth, 247 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:14,200 or to feel vindication for achieving the higher ground. 248 00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:18,920 Tune all your awareness to the former goal, 249 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:22,400 and arguments will cease to be a threat to your relationships. 250 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:27,800 Assume People Are Doing Their Best. 251 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:35,240 Closely connected to this mindset shift is the ability to “assume noble 252 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:35,800 intent." 253 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:41,120 The trigger for going into war mode is to assume that you are under attack. 254 00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:44,040 Like the husband in our example, 255 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:48,000 you hear a threat and an accusation where there isn’t one. 256 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:52,600 You respond to the threat you think you hear rather than the real person in 257 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:58,000 front of you and the emotional content they are actually trying to communicate. 258 00:13:58,000 --> 00:13:59,160 In essence, 259 00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:04,280 this sets up a conversation where your defensive ego is warring against the 260 00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:06,360 other person’s defensive ego. 261 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:10,880 While the worst parts of yourselves are in vicious battle, 262 00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:12,760 the more vulnerable, 263 00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:17,480 genuine parts are cowering in the background unacknowledged. 264 00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:23,840 Assuming noble intent goes beyond giving people the benefit of the doubt 265 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:28,800 ...although many relationships would drastically improve if people did only 266 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:29,080 that! 267 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:36,000 Consciously choose to be a person who approaches any interaction with another 268 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:39,640 human being in a spirit of fairness and kind-heartedness. 269 00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:41,800 In the world today, 270 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:46,320 the media constantly bombards people with visions of fear and hatred. 271 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:49,560 They may feel that the world is a hostile, 272 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:50,440 ugly place, 273 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:53,760 and their baseline attitude is one of mistrust. 274 00:14:53,760 --> 00:15:01,040 It can be an act of principled bravery to nevertheless choose to see the good 275 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:05,800 in others and lead with honest and noble intentions anyway. 276 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:11,680 Assuming noble intent is actually a way of applying one’s own higher moral 277 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:13,880 values to one’s own behavior. 278 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:17,440 When you carry yourself with dignity, 279 00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:18,160 honesty, 280 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:18,800 and kindness, 281 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:24,200 you naturally expect it in others and can inspire it in return, 282 00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:30,400 creating a domino effect of opportunity—the opportunity to be a good human 283 00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:38,080 being who works in harmony with other similarly intentioned human beings. 284 00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:42,200 Rather than seeing kindness as something people need to earn, 285 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:43,280 coax out, 286 00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:44,200 or win from you, 287 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:49,360 you are generous in spirit and begin with kindness as a default. 288 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:55,320 You have a perspective that invited others to show up as their best selves. 289 00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:58,200 With such open-mindedness, 290 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:02,080 you communicate a degree of trust and goodwill to others, 291 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:04,480 open lines of communication, 292 00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:10,000 and invite them to engage with you as one worthy peer to another. 293 00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:12,120 Yes, 294 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:18,240 we can all view one another as enemies—but why not lead by expecting better 295 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:19,880 from yourself and from them? 296 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:24,720 If you find yourself feeling bitter about humanity in general, 297 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:26,560 or mistrustful of others, 298 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:30,800 try reminding yourself that people are generally good. 299 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:32,240 Yes, 300 00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:32,640 really! 301 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:34,680 When they’re bad, 302 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:37,480 they are so from ignorance, 303 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:38,280 fear, 304 00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:39,840 or misunderstanding, 305 00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:44,320 or because they lack insight into the consequences of their choices. 306 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:49,200 But we can view the errors of others with compassion and forgiveness, 307 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:54,720 or even with a commitment to understanding them rather than condemning them. 308 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:56,720 Again, 309 00:16:56,720 --> 00:17:01,600 this is a perspective that is ennobling for us as much as it is for them! 310 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:06,480 When you assume that people are doing the best they can with the available 311 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:09,040 resources (inner and outer), 312 00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:13,720 then you free yourself from the stress and burden of judging them, 313 00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:19,280 and you give yourself the opportunity to connect more deeply with them or to 314 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:20,560 find solutions. 315 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:24,960 Assume that you are fundamentally good, 316 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:25,680 too. 317 00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:31,080 It’s easier to see the noble intent in others when we recognize and exalt it 318 00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:32,200 in ourselves. 319 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:39,520 We develop self-esteem and dignity at the same time as we give our trust and 320 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:41,080 beneficence others. 321 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,920 No matter the issue or problem at hand, 322 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:48,560 assuming noble intent will make sure you’re getting the most from any 323 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:49,360 communication. 324 00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:51,080 No, 325 00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:54,320 you don’t have to be gullible or a pushover. 326 00:17:54,320 --> 00:18:00,200 But you empower yourself with your own principles and put them front and center. 327 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:02,720 Lead by example. 328 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:05,160 Assume that others are good by default, 329 00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:06,760 right from the start, 330 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:10,120 not because you have evidence for that conclusion, 331 00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:16,760 but because this perspective is the fastest and easiest way to understanding 332 00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:18,040 and collaboration. 333 00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:22,640 It can instantly dissolve hurt and misunderstanding. 334 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:29,000 Adopt this attitude and you may be pleasantly surprised at the nobleness you 335 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:32,720 inspire in others—people want to be good. 336 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:35,440 They want to give you what you want. 337 00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:40,680 Isn’t it a relief to go about your business believing this is the case? 338 00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:47,720 We’ve seen how assuming people are enemies is a foolproof way to damaging 339 00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:49,160 relationships. 340 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:52,600 Assuming noble intent is the opposite; 341 00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:56,720 it’s like fertilizer for growing respectful relationships. 342 00:18:56,720 --> 00:19:02,520 Believe that other people’s actions (even their irritating, 343 00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:03,560 confusing, 344 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,120 or downright awful ones) 345 00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:07,800 come ultimately from a place of goodness. 346 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:12,520 Assume people have good characters and want to live by their values. 347 00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:18,800 Choose to forego making everyone your adversity and invite them to be better 348 00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:19,520 than that. 349 00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:20,360 After all, 350 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:22,480 we all have hearts and souls, 351 00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:25,240 we all yearn for a higher purpose, 352 00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:27,800 we all hurt and feel vulnerable, 353 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:32,200 and we’re all trying our best with the tools we have right now. 354 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,160 Of course, 355 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,480 people don’t always have positive intent. 356 00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:38,720 From your own perspective, 357 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:42,400 you may not understand their values or agree with them. 358 00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:46,360 But try to understand their actions through their lens. 359 00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:50,160 Assume that their behavior makes sense to them, 360 00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:55,240 if only you could gain insight into the rules that govern their world. 361 00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:58,000 It’s very, 362 00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:02,720 very easy to assume other people are just jerks are plain evil. 363 00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:04,320 But it’s lazy, 364 00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:06,200 and it’s never true. 365 00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:13,880 Think about all the regrettable actions you’ve taken in the past—in your 366 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:14,200 own way, 367 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:16,440 didn’t you have a reason? 368 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:19,920 Didn’t you deserve compassion and understanding? 369 00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:24,440 Even if you acted completely appallingly, 370 00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:27,760 it doesn’t negate the fact that right now, 371 00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:33,520 you are a human being with hopes and fears and the desire to be better. 372 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:38,880 Assume that other people are just like you in this regard! 373 00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:40,480 People are not always angels, 374 00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:44,360 and there are people who do act malevolently. 375 00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:49,160 But if we turn up to any conversation or interaction with a readiness and 376 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:53,320 willingness to perceive the intrinsic good in people, 377 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:57,040 we are priming ourselves (and them!) 378 00:20:57,040 --> 00:20:59,480 to let our higher values guide us. 379 00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:04,840 Let’s say your mother-in-law gives you a children’s book for your birthday. 380 00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:09,880 You’re insulted—it’s a silly kid’s story meant for ten-year-olds; 381 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:12,240 does she think you’re an idiot? 382 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:15,720 If you assume noble intent, 383 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:21,240 you talk to her further and realize she actually bought the gift because she 384 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:26,320 remembers a story about your childhood and thought the book would be a cute bit 385 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:27,480 of nostalgia for you. 386 00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:29,200 Now, 387 00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:34,640 she’s entirely wrong about this and completely misunderstood your childhood 388 00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:35,200 anecdote. 389 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:39,760 But if you can look past this is and see her noble intent, 390 00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:43,280 all friction and mistrust dissolves. 391 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:46,560 If a driver cuts you off on the road, 392 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:50,200 you can shrug and assume noble intent. 393 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:53,200 Maybe they’re having a really bad day. 394 00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:57,520 Maybe they’re a teenager and their higher brain hasn’t quite finished 395 00:21:57,520 --> 00:21:58,280 maturing yet! 396 00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:00,920 Maybe it was a simple accident, 397 00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:04,640 and they didn’t maliciously plan to hurt you on purpose. 398 00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:06,840 As a rule, 399 00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:11,720 people do the best they can with the tools they have available at the time. 400 00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:16,280 Think back to yourself ten or twenty years ago, 401 00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:21,000 and the way you solved certain problems or approached certain relationships. 402 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,040 Chances are, 403 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:25,760 you’d do things differently now because you know better. 404 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:32,000 Deep compassion comes when you realize that the “bad people” you encounter 405 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:38,360 in life are actually just good people temporarily acting out a bad role in the 406 00:22:38,360 --> 00:22:38,840 moment. 407 00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:44,600 We had awful tantrums when we were two because we weren’t emotionally mature. 408 00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:49,240 We said some regrettable things in the heat of the moment because we were 409 00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,200 triggered and lashing out in fear. 410 00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:54,240 We made the choice we did because, 411 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:55,320 at the time, 412 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:59,240 we weren’t aware of other choices we could have made. 413 00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:02,640 But we grew up and stopped having tantrums, 414 00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:06,280 we apologized for lashing out when we calmed down, 415 00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:09,840 and we made better choices as we became aware of them. 416 00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:17,080 Reminding yourself of this phenomenon in others makes relationships so much 417 00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:18,640 calmer and kinder. 418 00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:23,880 When you’re face to face with someone doing something you hate or disagree 419 00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:24,320 with, 420 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,400 or when someone is hurting you, 421 00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:30,680 remember that you are not seeing all of who they are. 422 00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:35,600 You can respond to the negatively you see in the moment, 423 00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:39,000 or you can trust that they have a kinder, 424 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:43,080 more rational and calmer self hiding in there. 425 00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:44,480 Well, 426 00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:51,400 what happens if you are serene and magnanimous and assume noble intent in 427 00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:55,160 someone who consistently shows you that they’re a complete jerk? 428 00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:56,520 Well, 429 00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:58,680 you can rest assured that you’ve done your best. 430 00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:00,000 Take a breath, 431 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:01,800 step away for a while, 432 00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:03,520 and get perspective. 433 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:08,280 You are never responsible for what other people choose. 434 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:13,320 But you will always feel better about yourself if you know in your heart that 435 00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:18,120 you have given other people ample opportunity to meet you halfway. 436 00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:21,480 Who said you have to convince anyone, 437 00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:21,920 anyway? 438 00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:24,760 If you’ve assumed noble intent, 439 00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:29,720 it’s easy to walk away from truly damaging or negative people with a light 440 00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:31,600 heart and a clean conscience. 441 00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:36,560 Telling The Third Story. 442 00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:43,800 Letting go of your ego in interactions with others is easier said than done, 443 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:47,520 but it really is the quickest way to restore harmony. 444 00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:53,040 When you are crusading for your own point of view and valiantly battling 445 00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:57,400 everyone until you strong-arm them into agreeing with you, 446 00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:02,240 you forget one crucial detail - you might be wrong. 447 00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:03,560 And worse than that, 448 00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:08,840 you could be mistaken in the belief that you can frame the situation as right 449 00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:10,240 and wrong in the first place! 450 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:11,920 Basically, 451 00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:18,280 clinging to your own perspective and wanting to broadcast it as The One True 452 00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:20,920 Way gives you serious tunnel vision. 453 00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:26,240 It shuts you off to the reality of the situation ...a reality that 454 00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:31,080 inconveniently contains everyone else and all their thoughts and beliefs. 455 00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:34,200 Whenever there is more than one person, 456 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:37,160 there’s going to be more than one reality. 457 00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:38,360 And that’s just fine. 458 00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:39,640 Now, 459 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:44,600 we should be careful here—we’re obviously not saying that personal feelings 460 00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:47,360 trump objective reality and plain facts. 461 00:25:47,360 --> 00:25:51,400 But we are saying that in arguments or disagreements, 462 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:55,320 it’s seldom about plain facts at all. 463 00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:56,120 Rather, 464 00:25:56,120 --> 00:26:00,400 every person’s reality contains their perspective, 465 00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:01,840 their values, 466 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:04,200 the unique past experiences, 467 00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:05,560 their personal identity, 468 00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:08,840 their particular narrative on the issue at hand, 469 00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:11,560 and the outcome they most want. 470 00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:18,640 This is more akin to the emotional content of communication than the objective 471 00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:20,360 content (i.e., 472 00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:21,120 facts). 473 00:26:21,120 --> 00:26:26,240 As the old saying goes - in any argument there are always three 474 00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:28,160 stories—yours, 475 00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:28,960 mine, 476 00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:30,480 and the truth. 477 00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:34,120 Though this is simplifying it, 478 00:26:34,120 --> 00:26:35,680 the idea is sound. 479 00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:41,640 In no interaction is any single person one hundred percent “correct." 480 00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:44,040 You simply cannot think this way. 481 00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:46,880 If you read that sentence and think, 482 00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:48,160 “Well, 483 00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:50,160 what about those crazy flat-earthers? 484 00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:53,360 They believe something that’s patently false. 485 00:26:53,360 --> 00:26:55,320 In an argument with them, 486 00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:57,560 I know I’d be one hundred percent right." 487 00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:59,720 Firstly, 488 00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:06,120 this observation perhaps explains why flat-earthers get as much media exposure 489 00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:09,200 as they do—people love to feel superior to them! 490 00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:10,480 Secondly, 491 00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:16,440 if we remember the difference between objective content and emotional content, 492 00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:21,920 we will see that even this example is not as cut and dried as it seems. 493 00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:24,240 If someone says, 494 00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:28,080 “The earth is flat,” then you might respond, 495 00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:29,720 “no it isn’t, 496 00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:31,600 what a moronic thing to say." 497 00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:33,960 But what if someone said, 498 00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:38,680 “I’m overwhelmed and frightened by the complexity of the world, 499 00:27:38,680 --> 00:27:44,320 and I feel distrustful of a government that has demonstrably led me astray for 500 00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:44,800 profit. 501 00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:47,000 I know I sound nutty, 502 00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:51,520 but conspiracy theories give me a sense of control over the world. 503 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:56,920 I hate how reductive and dehumanizing science can be, 504 00:27:56,920 --> 00:28:00,080 and how pompous scientists are, 505 00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:02,240 and in going against them, 506 00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:05,520 I feel like I restore some of my own humanity and agency. 507 00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:06,240 Plus, 508 00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:11,040 my parents constantly undermined and devalued me as a child, 509 00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:18,600 and that’s why today I have a vehement need to assert myself and not be told 510 00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:20,440 to shut up or that I’m stupid." 511 00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:23,960 How would you respond to that? 512 00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:26,440 In any interaction, 513 00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:30,560 nobody has an exclusive right to “the truth." 514 00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:33,440 Nobody has the right to claim to be a perfectly, 515 00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:37,240 neutral arbiter of reality (which, 516 00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:38,240 incidentally, 517 00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:43,120 is what many people think they are accessing when they claim to be “on the 518 00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:44,360 side of science”). 519 00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:48,880 Each of us has our own set of biases, 520 00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:50,600 expectations, 521 00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:52,400 past experiences, 522 00:28:52,400 --> 00:28:53,320 beliefs, 523 00:28:53,320 --> 00:28:54,720 and perspectives. 524 00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:59,920 Each of us colors our interactions with our feeling tone, 525 00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:01,440 our personality, 526 00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:03,440 our style of communication, 527 00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:05,720 and our values and priorities. 528 00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:07,600 None of this is ever neutral. 529 00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:10,440 And in this specificity, 530 00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:13,280 we are all equal to one another. 531 00:29:13,280 --> 00:29:20,640 Whether we agree or not on superficial facts or data is irrelevant (after all, 532 00:29:20,640 --> 00:29:23,760 how often do “facts” actually change?). 533 00:29:23,760 --> 00:29:29,760 These superficial details are in the realm of ego and conflict. 534 00:29:29,760 --> 00:29:31,680 If we go beyond this realm, 535 00:29:31,680 --> 00:29:37,760 we can do something better than compete with others—we can understand them. 536 00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:43,160 Approaching conversations this way takes courage and honesty. 537 00:29:43,160 --> 00:29:48,800 Many of us unconsciously believe that we are the center of the universe and 538 00:29:48,800 --> 00:29:53,960 that what we think is obviously the best and only way to think, 539 00:29:53,960 --> 00:29:57,960 or that it’s only our perspective that ultimately matters. 540 00:29:57,960 --> 00:30:04,640 One amazing way to counteract this kind of short sightedness is the “third 541 00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:05,480 story” approach. 542 00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:07,320 The next time you’re in a conflict, 543 00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:09,160 imagine a third, 544 00:30:09,160 --> 00:30:12,560 neutral observer watching the situation unfold. 545 00:30:12,560 --> 00:30:13,920 Now, 546 00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:18,280 imagine how they would relate the narrative—i.e., 547 00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:20,680 the “third story” they’d tell. 548 00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:25,720 Look at all three stories and become curious about the differences between them. 549 00:30:25,720 --> 00:30:31,200 See if you can agree with the other person on this third story. 550 00:30:31,200 --> 00:30:34,120 This is where the magic happens, 551 00:30:34,120 --> 00:30:39,000 as it can put you on the path to mutual understanding and compromise. 552 00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:46,520 The third story becomes an anchor or a shared reality that both people can hold 553 00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:50,400 on to even as they inhabit their different perspectives. 554 00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:52,520 For example, 555 00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:55,080 a couple are planning a wedding. 556 00:30:55,080 --> 00:30:58,520 One of them starts spending money immediately, 557 00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:04,320 saying he only plans to get married once and he intends to do it in style. 558 00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:06,440 No expense is spared. 559 00:31:06,440 --> 00:31:12,120 The other is freaked out at the prospect of so much money being spent, 560 00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:15,920 and she’s petrified of starting her married life in debt. 561 00:31:15,920 --> 00:31:22,840 They both find themselves arguing more and more until a big blow out over the 562 00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:26,080 exorbitant cost of a four-tier chocolate fountain. 563 00:31:26,080 --> 00:31:31,440 His story - Weddings are joyful occasions, 564 00:31:31,440 --> 00:31:36,760 as well as a chance to show your family a good time and boast a little to your 565 00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:38,920 friends that you can afford the luxury. 566 00:31:38,920 --> 00:31:44,320 The degree of love and commitment in the relationship is proportionate to the 567 00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:46,280 amount of money spent. 568 00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:47,360 Basically, 569 00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:51,880 stinginess = the couple isn’t really in love. 570 00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:57,040 Her story - Weddings are solemn, 571 00:31:57,040 --> 00:32:01,440 meaningful occasions that are about commitment and intimacy. 572 00:32:01,440 --> 00:32:05,000 They’re a time to demonstrate your values to others. 573 00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:11,160 Spending a lot of money on a wedding is vulgar and financially unwise. 574 00:32:11,160 --> 00:32:16,760 Couples who splash money around come across as insincere and 575 00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:21,560 materialistic—they must be compensating for a lack of true love! 576 00:32:21,560 --> 00:32:23,640 Well, 577 00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:25,560 what about the third story? 578 00:32:25,560 --> 00:32:32,520 Third story - They each have different understandings of what weddings mean and 579 00:32:32,520 --> 00:32:33,800 what function they serve. 580 00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:38,120 They each have different beliefs and feelings about spending money. 581 00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:40,160 When money is spent, 582 00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:41,360 he feels glad, 583 00:32:41,360 --> 00:32:43,080 but she feels anxious. 584 00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:46,120 The difference leads to arguments. 585 00:32:46,120 --> 00:32:49,520 Isn’t that so much more ...relaxed? 586 00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:51,640 Seeing things this way, 587 00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:56,400 they can both see that the problem is their different expectations of what a 588 00:32:56,400 --> 00:32:57,480 wedding should be. 589 00:32:57,480 --> 00:33:02,720 The problem is not that she’s wrong or that he’s wrong. 590 00:33:02,720 --> 00:33:06,200 If they can keep returning to the third story, 591 00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:12,000 they locate the real root of the trouble and give themselves a chance to solve 592 00:33:12,000 --> 00:33:17,000 it rather than going round in circles about this bill or that bill. 593 00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:18,320 Now, 594 00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:21,120 they have a real chance of finding a compromise. 595 00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:27,720 They can both identify their deeper needs in the situation and seek to make 596 00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:30,000 sure they both have those needs met, 597 00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:32,640 with as little conflict as possible. 598 00:33:32,640 --> 00:33:34,480 Again, 599 00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:37,480 it’s us versus the problem. 600 00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:39,320 Granted, 601 00:33:39,320 --> 00:33:42,760 they may not magically make all the tension disappear. 602 00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:44,360 And after a while, 603 00:33:44,360 --> 00:33:49,080 they may discover that their differences are actually not reconcilable. 604 00:33:49,080 --> 00:33:55,120 Using the third-story trick cannot magically erase all differences and 605 00:33:55,120 --> 00:33:55,560 frictions, 606 00:33:55,560 --> 00:34:01,000 but it can help you get an honest handle on them and give you the best chance 607 00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:06,960 of compromise—which you don’t get at all when you’re each just arguing 608 00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:08,080 your own perspective. 609 00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:12,160 Address the Higher Self, 610 00:34:12,160 --> 00:34:20,120 Acknowledge the Emotional Self When you frame problems as something you 611 00:34:20,120 --> 00:34:21,760 mutually solve as a team, 612 00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:27,800 when you assume people are doing their best and when you actively seek to find 613 00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:29,640 commonality in a third story, 614 00:34:29,640 --> 00:34:35,120 you are operating at a different level than if you merely butt heads with the 615 00:34:35,120 --> 00:34:38,880 other person on who’s version of reality is the winning one. 616 00:34:38,880 --> 00:34:45,920 You’re operating at a level that prioritizes connection above ego. 617 00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:48,080 Consistently do this, 618 00:34:48,080 --> 00:34:53,240 and you will discover just how easy it is to get everyone’s needs met. 619 00:34:53,240 --> 00:34:59,640 So many people get into arguments because they unconsciously fear that 620 00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:03,560 “compromise” and cooperation means loss. 621 00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:06,600 They may feel that if they are accommodating, 622 00:35:06,600 --> 00:35:07,600 kind, 623 00:35:07,600 --> 00:35:08,240 and compassionate, 624 00:35:08,240 --> 00:35:10,400 that they’ll be taken advantage of, 625 00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:11,960 won’t get their needs met, 626 00:35:11,960 --> 00:35:13,800 or will lose out. 627 00:35:13,800 --> 00:35:15,280 In fact, 628 00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:19,120 the opposite is true—people who are open-minded, 629 00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:19,840 respectful, 630 00:35:19,840 --> 00:35:22,320 curious about mutual solutions, 631 00:35:22,320 --> 00:35:27,960 and kind are actually far more likely to get what they want and need in any 632 00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:28,840 situation. 633 00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:31,040 Sadly, 634 00:35:31,040 --> 00:35:36,160 it’s all too common for people to communicate from a position of fear and 635 00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:37,080 insecurity. 636 00:35:37,080 --> 00:35:39,560 This puts them on the defensive, 637 00:35:39,560 --> 00:35:42,720 makes them assume the worst of others, 638 00:35:42,720 --> 00:35:47,800 and even go into attack because they believe they are protecting themselves. 639 00:35:47,800 --> 00:35:51,920 This then triggers other people’s defenses. 640 00:35:51,920 --> 00:35:55,360 The problem is not only unsolved, 641 00:35:55,360 --> 00:35:56,320 it’s worsened. 642 00:35:56,320 --> 00:35:57,840 Instead, 643 00:35:57,840 --> 00:36:03,680 we can proactively take the position of tuning into the emotional content of 644 00:36:03,680 --> 00:36:04,640 what people are saying, 645 00:36:04,640 --> 00:36:09,120 whether they are able to responsibly communicate that or not. 646 00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:14,600 You have two choices - you can speak to their higher, 647 00:36:14,600 --> 00:36:15,920 more noble self, 648 00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:19,160 or you can talk directly to their fears, 649 00:36:19,160 --> 00:36:20,560 their biases, 650 00:36:20,560 --> 00:36:21,040 and, 651 00:36:21,040 --> 00:36:22,320 to be frank, 652 00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:24,200 the worst parts of them. 653 00:36:24,200 --> 00:36:30,680 Here’s a hint - doing this will bring the worst out in you. 654 00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:38,840 The Buddhist “namaste” greeting embodies the former idea nicely—we say to 655 00:36:38,840 --> 00:36:39,600 another person, 656 00:36:39,600 --> 00:36:44,200 “the Buddha in me recognizes the Buddha in you." 657 00:36:44,200 --> 00:36:48,160 No matter how hostile or difficult someone is being, 658 00:36:48,160 --> 00:36:52,560 try to remember that they have within them a beautiful, 659 00:36:52,560 --> 00:36:53,760 amazing, 660 00:36:53,760 --> 00:36:55,960 and inspiring self. 661 00:36:55,960 --> 00:36:59,080 Try to remember that they have wonderful qualities, 662 00:36:59,080 --> 00:37:01,560 that they have the potential for greatness, 663 00:37:01,560 --> 00:37:07,680 and that inside them they have the ability to love and to suffer, 664 00:37:07,680 --> 00:37:09,160 just like you. 665 00:37:09,160 --> 00:37:12,560 Talk to that version of them. 666 00:37:12,560 --> 00:37:16,200 Imagining that other people are flat, 667 00:37:16,200 --> 00:37:21,520 boring caricatures and not nuanced and complex beings is a) 668 00:37:21,520 --> 00:37:24,280 easier and b) 669 00:37:24,280 --> 00:37:27,480 usually makes us feel better about ourselves. 670 00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:32,880 We imagine that we are the main protagonists in our lives, 671 00:37:32,880 --> 00:37:35,360 with full and rich inner worlds, 672 00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:42,400 and others are just “non-player characters” who are not as important or 673 00:37:42,400 --> 00:37:44,400 multifaceted as we are. 674 00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:45,680 Of course, 675 00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:49,080 everyone else is the center of their own universe. 676 00:37:49,080 --> 00:37:54,920 They feel about themselves the way that you feel about yourself ...and you are 677 00:37:54,920 --> 00:37:57,440 just the supporting actor in their main story! 678 00:37:57,440 --> 00:38:03,760 Some people find it really elevates your perspective to remember that the 679 00:38:03,760 --> 00:38:08,600 person in front of you used to be an innocent child once. 680 00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:10,080 They were young, 681 00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:11,760 hopeful and playful. 682 00:38:11,760 --> 00:38:17,640 They had a best friend and were scared of the dark and wore a woolly jumper 683 00:38:17,640 --> 00:38:18,760 with yellow ducks on it. 684 00:38:18,760 --> 00:38:20,560 Just like you, 685 00:38:20,560 --> 00:38:25,160 they had their first love and their first big disappointment. 686 00:38:25,160 --> 00:38:26,720 Just like you, 687 00:38:26,720 --> 00:38:30,640 they lay awake some nights worried about it all. 688 00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:32,160 Just like you, 689 00:38:32,160 --> 00:38:37,320 they have insecurities and deep secrets they’ve never told anyone. 690 00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:39,600 They cry when they’re hurt. 691 00:38:39,600 --> 00:38:43,480 They’ve shown touching acts of kindness to others. 692 00:38:43,480 --> 00:38:45,520 They have dreams. 693 00:38:45,520 --> 00:38:46,400 Talents. 694 00:38:46,400 --> 00:38:47,560 Questions. 695 00:38:47,560 --> 00:38:51,440 Dazzlingly unique insights and opinions. 696 00:38:51,440 --> 00:38:52,840 Everything. 697 00:38:52,840 --> 00:39:00,520 Having “compassion” is sometimes reduced to a bland kind of tolerance of 698 00:39:00,520 --> 00:39:03,560 people we don’t quite like but have to bear with. 699 00:39:03,560 --> 00:39:07,480 But why limit yourself to mere tolerance? 700 00:39:07,480 --> 00:39:08,760 In fact, 701 00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:10,960 people are wonderful. 702 00:39:10,960 --> 00:39:12,280 They are works of art. 703 00:39:12,280 --> 00:39:17,760 Their perspectives and feelings and desires are not just something to 704 00:39:17,760 --> 00:39:20,960 begrudgingly accommodate in order to get along, 705 00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:23,320 but something to celebrate, 706 00:39:23,320 --> 00:39:24,680 learn about, 707 00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:26,560 lovingly accept, 708 00:39:26,560 --> 00:39:27,400 and welcome. 709 00:39:27,400 --> 00:39:33,160 When you stop seeing difference as a threat or a problem, 710 00:39:33,160 --> 00:39:38,840 you can start to appreciate it as a fascinating source of enrichment in life. 711 00:39:38,840 --> 00:39:44,800 But what exactly does addressing someone’s higher self look like? 712 00:39:44,800 --> 00:39:46,520 For one, 713 00:39:46,520 --> 00:39:52,080 it’s a question of assuming the best of others and generously giving the 714 00:39:52,080 --> 00:39:53,160 benefit of the doubt, 715 00:39:53,160 --> 00:39:54,040 as we’ve seen. 716 00:39:54,040 --> 00:39:56,600 It’s also the willingness to imagine, 717 00:39:56,600 --> 00:39:58,200 on faith, 718 00:39:58,200 --> 00:39:59,520 that people are good, 719 00:39:59,520 --> 00:40:01,320 that people make sense, 720 00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:06,440 and that people want to help you and engage in mutually satisfying 721 00:40:06,440 --> 00:40:07,200 relationships. 722 00:40:07,200 --> 00:40:14,200 It means treating people with respect and trust even when they have difficulty 723 00:40:14,200 --> 00:40:16,440 respecting or trusting themselves, 724 00:40:16,440 --> 00:40:19,960 and even if they’ve done very little to earn it! 725 00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:26,480 A manager at work may approach his team with the deep belief that each of them 726 00:40:26,480 --> 00:40:29,360 has something unique and valuable to offer. 727 00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:31,920 Instead of micromanaging them, 728 00:40:31,920 --> 00:40:32,800 he tells them, 729 00:40:32,800 --> 00:40:36,760 “I hired you because you’re good at what you do. 730 00:40:36,760 --> 00:40:41,080 How about you just run with this project and see what happens? 731 00:40:41,080 --> 00:40:43,320 I trust you to make the right decision." 732 00:40:43,320 --> 00:40:49,320 It’s hard to imagine an employee not feeling respected and valued when told 733 00:40:49,320 --> 00:40:49,600 that. 734 00:40:49,600 --> 00:40:54,480 Or imagine a parent who has a teenager who’s gotten into trouble at school. 735 00:40:54,480 --> 00:41:00,200 Instead of launching into a shame-heavy lecture about what they should have 736 00:41:00,200 --> 00:41:02,560 done and how disappointed everyone is, 737 00:41:02,560 --> 00:41:04,360 the parent could say, 738 00:41:04,360 --> 00:41:06,000 “You know what, 739 00:41:06,000 --> 00:41:09,600 you’re old enough know to know right from wrong. 740 00:41:09,600 --> 00:41:14,080 You’re a smart person and I know you’re also kind. 741 00:41:14,080 --> 00:41:17,200 What do you think about what you’ve done? 742 00:41:17,200 --> 00:41:22,840 I wonder if you feel that this is the kind of thing that reflects your values, 743 00:41:22,840 --> 00:41:26,840 or if you want to try and do something better?" 744 00:41:26,840 --> 00:41:29,480 Doing this, 745 00:41:29,480 --> 00:41:34,840 the parent is communicating a few things - that they know and trust that the 746 00:41:34,840 --> 00:41:37,160 teenager in fact has values, 747 00:41:37,160 --> 00:41:40,760 that these are worth exploring and committing to, 748 00:41:40,760 --> 00:41:44,840 and that the parent is not going to impose their own values, 749 00:41:44,840 --> 00:41:48,840 but rather give the teenager space to figure out on their own. 750 00:41:48,840 --> 00:41:51,120 Again, 751 00:41:51,120 --> 00:41:54,560 the result is likely to be a heightened feeling of respect, 752 00:41:54,560 --> 00:41:57,200 empathy and responsibility. 753 00:41:57,200 --> 00:42:00,560 Instead of addressing the bad in their character, 754 00:42:00,560 --> 00:42:02,600 they address the good, 755 00:42:02,600 --> 00:42:05,480 and use that as a point of departure. 756 00:42:05,480 --> 00:42:08,000 In a couple’s argument, 757 00:42:08,000 --> 00:42:11,880 one spouse is offended that the other forgot their birthday. 758 00:42:11,880 --> 00:42:12,760 But in love, 759 00:42:12,760 --> 00:42:15,680 they decide to address their higher nature. 760 00:42:15,680 --> 00:42:16,880 They say, 761 00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:19,520 “I know you care about me. 762 00:42:19,520 --> 00:42:21,800 I’m sure you didn’t mean to hurt me, 763 00:42:21,800 --> 00:42:24,400 but you forgot my birthday. 764 00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:25,040 Why?" 765 00:42:25,040 --> 00:42:27,880 This is not placing blame. 766 00:42:27,880 --> 00:42:31,840 It’s not making assumptions or going on the offense. 767 00:42:31,840 --> 00:42:36,880 It’s simply taking the highest nature of the other person as a given and 768 00:42:36,880 --> 00:42:38,960 leading with curious respect. 769 00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:44,760 It’s seeking to understand the problem rather than going in with guns blazing. 770 00:42:44,760 --> 00:42:47,400 “She forgot my birthday, 771 00:42:47,400 --> 00:42:52,200 and she did it because she’s selfish and doesn’t give a damn about me." 772 00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:56,000 If you’re feeling angry and attacked yourself, 773 00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:59,200 it’s difficult to assume the best of people. 774 00:42:59,200 --> 00:43:03,640 But this is the moment when you most need to try! 775 00:43:03,640 --> 00:43:06,880 Instead of getting carried away in strong emotions, 776 00:43:06,880 --> 00:43:12,760 gain perspective by acknowledging their most vulnerable self. 777 00:43:12,760 --> 00:43:18,560 When you’re face to face with someone being difficult or annoying or mean, 778 00:43:18,560 --> 00:43:24,920 it’s easy to forget that they have a vulnerable self—but they do. 779 00:43:24,920 --> 00:43:31,120 A core of non-violent communication (more on this later) 780 00:43:31,120 --> 00:43:36,160 is to focus entirely on people’s needs in any exchange. 781 00:43:36,160 --> 00:43:40,640 People communicate (even badly) 782 00:43:40,640 --> 00:43:42,800 because they want to meet their needs. 783 00:43:42,800 --> 00:43:45,360 They sometimes succeed, 784 00:43:45,360 --> 00:43:46,480 and they often don’t, 785 00:43:46,480 --> 00:43:50,640 but this is ultimately what’s behind all communication, 786 00:43:50,640 --> 00:43:53,280 up to and including aggression, 787 00:43:53,280 --> 00:43:54,240 stubbornness, 788 00:43:54,240 --> 00:43:55,120 fear, 789 00:43:55,120 --> 00:43:56,200 and criticism. 790 00:43:56,200 --> 00:43:57,480 So, 791 00:43:57,480 --> 00:44:01,760 when you’re with a difficult person or in a challenging or unpleasant 792 00:44:01,760 --> 00:44:02,640 situation, 793 00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:09,840 ask yourself - What are my needs here and how can I communicate them clearly 794 00:44:09,840 --> 00:44:10,520 to others? 795 00:44:10,520 --> 00:44:15,920 What are their needs and how can I help them achieve those needs? 796 00:44:15,920 --> 00:44:17,440 That’s it. 797 00:44:17,440 --> 00:44:20,280 Don’t waste too much time on anger, 798 00:44:20,280 --> 00:44:21,160 fear, 799 00:44:21,160 --> 00:44:23,600 or red herring details. 800 00:44:23,600 --> 00:44:26,400 If someone is being judgmental of you, 801 00:44:26,400 --> 00:44:32,640 examine the situation closely—you may discover that their criticism stems 802 00:44:32,640 --> 00:44:35,360 from a deep insecurity in themselves. 803 00:44:35,360 --> 00:44:37,720 They may feel worthless, 804 00:44:37,720 --> 00:44:40,480 and they judge others to meet a certain need, 805 00:44:40,480 --> 00:44:41,560 i.e., 806 00:44:41,560 --> 00:44:43,920 to feel better about themselves. 807 00:44:43,920 --> 00:44:51,640 This insight alone can help you defuse situations with them ...as well as know 808 00:44:51,640 --> 00:44:54,200 not to take their judgment personally! 809 00:44:54,200 --> 00:45:04,800 Mastering Self-Differentiation One final mindset we’ll consider is the 810 00:45:04,800 --> 00:45:06,920 ability to self-differentiate, 811 00:45:06,920 --> 00:45:10,280 which is a concept not many are familiar with. 812 00:45:10,280 --> 00:45:11,560 Simply put, 813 00:45:11,560 --> 00:45:16,800 it’s the capacity to separate out your thoughts from your feelings, 814 00:45:16,800 --> 00:45:21,640 as well as separate your thoughts and feelings from other people’s. 815 00:45:21,640 --> 00:45:26,840 If you’ve ever had trouble thinking clearly because you feel flooded with 816 00:45:26,840 --> 00:45:27,360 emotions, 817 00:45:27,360 --> 00:45:31,600 you were experiencing difficulty with differentiation. 818 00:45:31,600 --> 00:45:39,120 If someone ties up their opinions and beliefs with others’ or cannot decide 819 00:45:39,120 --> 00:45:41,920 what they think and feel without consulting others, 820 00:45:41,920 --> 00:45:45,760 it also signals a lack of self-differentiation. 821 00:45:45,760 --> 00:45:53,240 Relating with other human beings is a delicate dance—we are always separate, 822 00:45:53,240 --> 00:45:54,240 unique individuals, 823 00:45:54,240 --> 00:45:57,600 but we also mutually influence one another. 824 00:45:57,600 --> 00:46:02,640 Healthy connections occur when both parties are sufficiently 825 00:46:02,640 --> 00:46:06,480 self-differentiated yet still connected. 826 00:46:06,480 --> 00:46:07,480 When they’re not, 827 00:46:07,480 --> 00:46:13,040 all kinds of entanglement and “bleeding over” of identities, 828 00:46:13,040 --> 00:46:13,720 thoughts, 829 00:46:13,720 --> 00:46:15,160 and feelings occur. 830 00:46:15,160 --> 00:46:21,040 How do you know if you are properly and healthily differentiated in a 831 00:46:21,040 --> 00:46:22,080 relationship? 832 00:46:22,080 --> 00:46:28,960 Simple - ask yourself whether you are able to be different without losing 833 00:46:28,960 --> 00:46:30,160 emotional connection. 834 00:46:30,160 --> 00:46:38,320 Connection based on sharing identical opinions and values means both parties 835 00:46:38,320 --> 00:46:44,600 are mutually defining one another rather than each one defining themselves 836 00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:48,400 first and then encountering one another as separate beings, 837 00:46:48,400 --> 00:46:50,960 with respect and curiosity. 838 00:46:50,960 --> 00:46:53,520 If we are differentiated, 839 00:46:53,520 --> 00:46:59,640 we can calmly reflect on any difference of opinion or conflict without 840 00:46:59,640 --> 00:47:01,040 jeopardizing the connection. 841 00:47:01,040 --> 00:47:02,120 If not, 842 00:47:02,120 --> 00:47:07,840 difference will become a source of conflict or threaten the connection. 843 00:47:07,840 --> 00:47:10,280 When differentiated, 844 00:47:10,280 --> 00:47:14,440 we take responsibility for our own contribution, 845 00:47:14,440 --> 00:47:18,840 and recognize what “stuff” belongs to the other person. 846 00:47:18,840 --> 00:47:20,320 If not, 847 00:47:20,320 --> 00:47:24,000 we may be over- or under-responsible, 848 00:47:24,000 --> 00:47:25,080 enmeshed, 849 00:47:25,080 --> 00:47:30,000 or liable to confuse our own thoughts and opinions with those of others. 850 00:47:30,000 --> 00:47:36,040 The trick is always to maintain a clear relationship with yourself. 851 00:47:36,040 --> 00:47:37,960 For some people, 852 00:47:37,960 --> 00:47:44,920 relationships of any kind are always total and devouring—it’s a question of 853 00:47:44,920 --> 00:47:46,200 being themselves, 854 00:47:46,200 --> 00:47:48,600 OR being in a relationship. 855 00:47:48,600 --> 00:47:54,480 To maintain a relationship where differences are contained comfortably, 856 00:47:54,480 --> 00:47:55,120 however, 857 00:47:55,120 --> 00:47:58,120 takes maturity and self-awareness. 858 00:47:58,120 --> 00:48:05,480 This is why an indicator of an undifferentiated relationship is all-or-nothing, 859 00:48:05,480 --> 00:48:08,360 my-way-or-the-highway thinking. 860 00:48:08,360 --> 00:48:14,280 If you are a rebel and choose the opposite of everyone else’s opinions, 861 00:48:14,280 --> 00:48:20,280 don’t be fooled into thinking that you are well-differentiated—you are 862 00:48:20,280 --> 00:48:21,600 still basing your thoughts, 863 00:48:21,600 --> 00:48:22,080 feelings, 864 00:48:22,080 --> 00:48:24,880 and opinions in relation to other people’s. 865 00:48:24,880 --> 00:48:29,640 Other examples of poor differentiation - 866 00:48:29,640 --> 00:48:34,960 •Feeling smothered and controlled by a person’s intrusive, 867 00:48:34,960 --> 00:48:36,920 dominating attitude. 868 00:48:36,920 --> 00:48:42,800 •Being unable to say what you think or feel without checking the opinions of 869 00:48:42,800 --> 00:48:43,400 others first. 870 00:48:43,400 --> 00:48:46,320 •In a relationship, 871 00:48:46,320 --> 00:48:48,920 if one person feels something, 872 00:48:48,920 --> 00:48:52,800 the other person cannot help feeling the same as well. 873 00:48:52,800 --> 00:49:00,600 •Being unable to express a different opinion because from fear of causing 874 00:49:00,600 --> 00:49:02,160 offense or friction. 875 00:49:02,160 --> 00:49:08,480 Going along with whatever’s happening and forfeiting one’s own opinion. 876 00:49:08,480 --> 00:49:15,400 •Seeing negative emotions in a person you love and feeling personally 877 00:49:15,400 --> 00:49:16,200 responsible. 878 00:49:16,200 --> 00:49:20,720 Even worse if the unhappy person is ready to blame you! 879 00:49:20,720 --> 00:49:24,120 •Having concerns, 880 00:49:24,120 --> 00:49:25,320 boundaries, 881 00:49:25,320 --> 00:49:29,120 or misgivings but feeling unable to speak out, 882 00:49:29,120 --> 00:49:31,560 or you do and are not heard. 883 00:49:31,560 --> 00:49:38,280 •Feeling other people’s emotions as your own ...but being unsure of what 884 00:49:38,280 --> 00:49:39,880 you yourself feel. 885 00:49:39,880 --> 00:49:44,400 •Any relationship where the unspoken rule is, 886 00:49:44,400 --> 00:49:46,640 “To be in this relationship, 887 00:49:46,640 --> 00:49:49,400 you cannot be your authentic self." 888 00:49:49,400 --> 00:49:53,720 If you want to improve your relationships, 889 00:49:53,720 --> 00:49:56,480 get into the habit of asking yourself, 890 00:49:56,480 --> 00:49:58,880 what is my stuff, 891 00:49:58,880 --> 00:50:00,520 and what is theirs? 892 00:50:00,520 --> 00:50:02,640 Being authentic, 893 00:50:02,640 --> 00:50:04,320 self-defined, 894 00:50:04,320 --> 00:50:09,920 and conscious of your unique thoughts and feelings take courage and honesty. 895 00:50:09,920 --> 00:50:12,680 What is your opinion, 896 00:50:12,680 --> 00:50:15,480 regardless of how others respond to it? 897 00:50:15,480 --> 00:50:20,920 What do you think independent of the beliefs and worldviews of those around you? 898 00:50:20,920 --> 00:50:24,520 Once you clarify this for yourself, 899 00:50:24,520 --> 00:50:30,680 you can do the next important step - cultivate relationships that can tolerate 900 00:50:30,680 --> 00:50:33,400 normal differences in feeling and opinion. 901 00:50:33,400 --> 00:50:38,240 Don’t make complete agreement a condition of intimacy, 902 00:50:38,240 --> 00:50:44,120 and don’t accept these terms from others who would rather engage with a copy 903 00:50:44,120 --> 00:50:48,120 of themselves than a unique person who is different from them. 904 00:50:48,120 --> 00:50:54,160 One useful way to get better at this is to learn the difference between 905 00:50:54,160 --> 00:50:56,680 observation and evaluation, 906 00:50:56,680 --> 00:50:59,760 which we will explore in more detail in later chapters. 907 00:50:59,760 --> 00:51:05,800 The way to express difference (of thought or opinion) 908 00:51:05,800 --> 00:51:11,760 with others while still maintaining closeness with them is to use observations 909 00:51:11,760 --> 00:51:14,080 rather than judgments and evaluations. 910 00:51:14,080 --> 00:51:19,440 To explain the difference - “it’s raining” is a neutral, 911 00:51:19,440 --> 00:51:21,400 objective observation, 912 00:51:21,400 --> 00:51:26,480 but “I can’t believe it’s this godawful drizzle again, 913 00:51:26,480 --> 00:51:30,000 I HATE IT!” is an evaluation and judgment. 914 00:51:30,000 --> 00:51:35,400 If we approach communication with an attitude of evaluation, 915 00:51:35,400 --> 00:51:39,160 we are instigating defensiveness in the other person. 916 00:51:39,160 --> 00:51:45,280 We’re making value judgments and indirectly positioning our perspective as 917 00:51:45,280 --> 00:51:45,560 right, 918 00:51:45,560 --> 00:51:49,120 whereas theirs is wrong and needs to change. 919 00:51:49,120 --> 00:51:55,800 Problems also occur when we state evaluations as though they are observations 920 00:51:55,800 --> 00:51:56,680 (i.e., 921 00:51:56,680 --> 00:51:59,880 positioning our opinions as facts) 922 00:51:59,880 --> 00:52:01,680 or mixing the two together. 923 00:52:01,680 --> 00:52:10,080 Teasing out what is observation and what is evaluation takes awareness and a 924 00:52:10,080 --> 00:52:12,160 degree of self-differentiation. 925 00:52:12,160 --> 00:52:14,600 When emotions are running high, 926 00:52:14,600 --> 00:52:21,280 things can get very confusing and people can get hurt long before they realize 927 00:52:21,280 --> 00:52:22,800 what’s happened and why. 928 00:52:22,800 --> 00:52:28,000 But just like the neutral observer who tells the “third story,” we can use 929 00:52:28,000 --> 00:52:32,600 observations to ground us and reach compromise and understanding. 930 00:52:32,600 --> 00:52:38,400 We can ask ourselves not only what is our business and what is the other 931 00:52:38,400 --> 00:52:38,800 person’s, 932 00:52:38,800 --> 00:52:45,880 but also what is objective fact and what is evaluation and opinion? 933 00:52:45,880 --> 00:52:51,160 This can help us avoid misunderstanding when we communicate with others, 934 00:52:51,160 --> 00:52:57,640 but also help us untangle other people’s communications when they may be 935 00:52:57,640 --> 00:53:01,240 coming from a not-so-differentiated perspective. 936 00:53:01,240 --> 00:53:08,040 Let’s return to our example of the couple with different ideas about weddings. 937 00:53:08,040 --> 00:53:10,600 She might say to her fiancé, 938 00:53:10,600 --> 00:53:16,480 “Why are you so obsessed with serving everyone real champagne? 939 00:53:16,480 --> 00:53:18,840 We can just serve them something cheaper. 940 00:53:18,840 --> 00:53:23,960 The world’s not going to end just because you buy budget booze, 941 00:53:23,960 --> 00:53:24,520 you know." 942 00:53:24,520 --> 00:53:29,680 If he is undifferentiated and triggered emotionally, 943 00:53:29,680 --> 00:53:34,320 he’ll probably respond in defensiveness to such a statement. 944 00:53:34,320 --> 00:53:40,400 But let’s imagine he instead asks - What is my stuff here, 945 00:53:40,400 --> 00:53:42,000 and what is hers? 946 00:53:42,000 --> 00:53:44,960 What is fact and what is opinion? 947 00:53:44,960 --> 00:53:51,240 He can take a step back and realize that the idea that he is “obsessed” is 948 00:53:51,240 --> 00:53:55,880 not objective but her evaluation of his emotions. 949 00:53:55,880 --> 00:54:00,160 If he confidently and comfortably knows himself, 950 00:54:00,160 --> 00:54:05,120 he knows that he is not materialistic or obsessed or petty. 951 00:54:05,120 --> 00:54:08,480 He knows that he is simply excited. 952 00:54:08,480 --> 00:54:13,120 If he only responds to the judgment dripping from her statements, 953 00:54:13,120 --> 00:54:16,280 things will escalate into an argument. 954 00:54:16,280 --> 00:54:22,600 But he could also remain differentiated and anchor himself in the objective. 955 00:54:22,600 --> 00:54:25,480 In his fiancé’s world, 956 00:54:25,480 --> 00:54:29,600 caring about champagne is a little shallow and silly. 957 00:54:29,600 --> 00:54:31,080 But in his world, 958 00:54:31,080 --> 00:54:31,640 it’s not. 959 00:54:31,640 --> 00:54:35,760 If he can stay within his own thoughts and feelings, 960 00:54:35,760 --> 00:54:36,320 however, 961 00:54:36,320 --> 00:54:42,040 he will not get triggered by her unkind remark and will be able to assert 962 00:54:42,040 --> 00:54:42,440 boundaries, 963 00:54:42,440 --> 00:54:43,640 stand his ground, 964 00:54:43,640 --> 00:54:50,200 and seek to understand what she feels—without letting her dictate what he 965 00:54:50,200 --> 00:54:50,720 feels. 966 00:54:50,720 --> 00:54:55,680 And he can do all this without having the differences mean that the 967 00:54:55,680 --> 00:54:57,480 relationship is doomed! 968 00:54:57,480 --> 00:55:00,760 Takeaways - 969 00:55:00,760 --> 00:55:05,800 •Everyone can learn to be better at communication, 970 00:55:05,800 --> 00:55:06,880 listening, 971 00:55:06,880 --> 00:55:08,440 and being heard. 972 00:55:08,440 --> 00:55:12,080 This can improve every kind of relationship, 973 00:55:12,080 --> 00:55:16,320 as well as help you deal with difficult people and conflict. 974 00:55:16,320 --> 00:55:19,800 •Cultivating empathetic, 975 00:55:19,800 --> 00:55:20,760 meaningful, 976 00:55:20,760 --> 00:55:26,520 and genuine connections with others means being aware of the barriers to that 977 00:55:26,520 --> 00:55:29,720 connection and committing to removing them. 978 00:55:29,720 --> 00:55:37,800 •One significant obstacle is the mindset that positions others as enemies or 979 00:55:37,800 --> 00:55:41,680 adversaries rather than collaborators on the same team. 980 00:55:41,680 --> 00:55:46,720 A healthier approach is “it’s you and me versus the problem." 981 00:55:46,720 --> 00:55:53,280 Disagreement and difference are not necessarily a threat if both parties are 982 00:55:53,280 --> 00:55:55,320 dedicated to working together. 983 00:55:55,320 --> 00:56:02,040 •Assume noble intent and that people are doing their best. 984 00:56:02,040 --> 00:56:04,640 This will put you in a proactive, 985 00:56:04,640 --> 00:56:05,760 generous, 986 00:56:05,760 --> 00:56:12,400 and optimistic frame of mind that will inspire the best from others and keep 987 00:56:12,400 --> 00:56:15,120 you open to solutions and possibilities. 988 00:56:15,120 --> 00:56:21,240 Be kind and seek the moral high ground just because! 989 00:56:21,240 --> 00:56:24,320 •In conflict, 990 00:56:24,320 --> 00:56:30,600 try to imagine a neutral observer and the “third story” they’d tell so 991 00:56:30,600 --> 00:56:36,520 you can identify a set of facts about the situation that both parties can agree 992 00:56:36,520 --> 00:56:37,040 on. 993 00:56:37,040 --> 00:56:43,840 Harmonious relationships begin when we abandon our egoistic need to be right. 994 00:56:43,840 --> 00:56:47,920 •In every interaction, 995 00:56:47,920 --> 00:56:52,280 consciously choose to address the other person’s highest self, 996 00:56:52,280 --> 00:56:56,880 or at least their most vulnerable and human self. 997 00:56:56,880 --> 00:57:02,560 Acknowledge emotional content and not just superficial details. 998 00:57:02,560 --> 00:57:04,280 Have compassion, 999 00:57:04,280 --> 00:57:05,360 awareness, 1000 00:57:05,360 --> 00:57:10,200 and genuine curiosity for other people’s different perspectives. 1001 00:57:10,200 --> 00:57:12,720 •Finally, 1002 00:57:12,720 --> 00:57:19,680 master self-differentiation and be crystal clear on thoughts versus feelings, 1003 00:57:19,680 --> 00:57:24,000 and your thoughts and feelings versus those of others. 1004 00:57:24,000 --> 00:57:30,960 Defuse conflict by taking responsibility for your perspective while seeing the 1005 00:57:30,960 --> 00:57:33,440 other person’s for what it is. 1006 00:57:33,440 --> 00:57:35,400 Most important of all, 1007 00:57:35,400 --> 00:57:41,600 have the maturity to maintain intimacy with others despite differences in 1008 00:57:41,600 --> 00:57:42,080 opinion. 1009 00:57:42,080 --> 00:57:50,320 Routinely ask what is your “business” versus theirs and what is observation 1010 00:57:50,320 --> 00:57:52,080 versus evaluation. 1011 00:57:52,080 --> 00:57:56,840 This has been 1012 00:57:56,840 --> 00:57:59,040 Intentional Communication: 1013 00:57:59,040 --> 00:58:01,080 Emotional Validation, 1014 00:58:01,080 --> 00:58:01,880 Listening, 1015 00:58:01,880 --> 00:58:02,600 Empathy, 1016 00:58:02,600 --> 00:58:08,640 and the Art of Harmonious Relationships Written by 1017 00:58:08,640 --> 00:58:19,640 Patrick King, narrated by russell newton.