00:00:06 Sana: Welcome to the Mindful Living podcast listeners, I am Sana, and yes, this is a space to slow down and look honestly at the moments that reshape us. Okay, now for today's episode, we are exploring something which I believe most of us never think about our voice. I mean, it's just there. It's carrying who we are out in the world without us ever noticing. Until for some people, it isn't. Now listen, as you imagine the thing you relied on most, the thing your confidence, your identity were quietly built on, beginning to slip away. What do you do when you have to rebuild yourself from the inside out? That's what we are going to talk about in today's episode.

00:01:00 Sana: So to help me with that, I'm joined by someone who is a creative entrepreneur who at twenty eight was diagnosed with a rare neurological voice disorder, spasmodic dysphonia. And she found her whole sense of self shifting with it through honesty, humor, and also a great deal of resilience. She rebuilt. So let's get into this listeners, and let's welcome our guest, Alexa Denberg. Alexa, welcome to the Mindful Living. I'm so honored to have you here.

00:01:34 Alexa Denaburg: Thank you so much. I was such a nice intro. I resonated with everything you said. So thank you.

00:01:41 Sana: Absolutely, absolutely. Thank you so much, Alexa. And this is personally a very, very, um, unique and, and, uh, personally, I can connect with it because, you know, I, the, the work that I do. Yeah, yeah, I, I, that's why before we began listeners, I tried to understand what exactly does this mean? Because, oh, losing your voice. Um, and then, the, the whole journey in there, uh, that is something I believe you know, I'm really thankful, Alexa, that you are bringing this up for the listeners of the Mindful Living and for me as well. So I really, really appreciate you being here.

00:02:25 Alexa Denaburg: Thanks for having me. Yeah, I learned a lot about like, I mean, you mentioned it. I most people don't think about their voice really ever. Um, unless you hear like a recording of yourself and you're like, wow, is that really what I sound like? But for me, I was kind of forced to, um, very quickly realize that once you don't have a voice, it's, you know, you have to rebuild from the inside out and it's like an extension of your identity that we kind of take for granted. Mhm.

00:02:57 Sana: Absolutely. Yes. You're right, you're right. Alex. Okay. And especially, I want to start here before the diagnosis, Alexa, because in that early confusing season. And I also think that when people would hear, when we would hear about voice disorder, generally, we would probably picture a clear medical event or maybe a moment that everything changed. But then, um, if you can take us back, you know, what did the beginning of all this actually feel? Uh, you know, feel like before you had a name for it?

00:03:35 Alexa Denaburg: Yeah. Um, so I was like, you're kind of typical, you know, young entrepreneur living in New York, um, having a busy life, um, working in corporate. I worked for a large, um, company at the time I was at L'Oreal. I had a very, you know, stressful, busy job. Um, I was also balancing being a part time MBA student at NYU. So very busy studying, working, planning my wedding. Um, you know, just kind of doing the the day to day of like a busy young entrepreneur or a business person. And, um, yeah, I felt, I thought I felt fine. Um, I was just, I think starting to get a little burnt out with work and school. Um, and just the pressure of living in New York and um, yeah, I, I thought I was fine until very quickly I wasn't, I didn't have any physical symptoms. So I just, you know, it, it will get into the diagnosis and like how this all started. Um, but yeah, I, I physically felt fine mentally was kind of holding on by a thread. Um, just a little, you know, stressed and burnt out from work and then it all kind of just started.

00:05:01 Sana: And I could, uh, actually, the burnout, I could connect with that. Um, because, Um. This word has been tossed around a lot. But, the experience that I've, I've I've listened and I've got to know from many of our guests, uh, not only on the mindful living, but on other shows. They're all different. But one thing definitely that burnout sometimes, it has its unique ways to make you realize, um, unfortunately, the importance of how it's not just only about your, uh, physical health, but how, how interconnected your mental health, your physical health, your emotional health, you know, they are so, um, it's important at the same time to talk about all of this holistically and at the same time also, uh, stressing importance on each of the components here.

00:06:01 Alexa Denaburg: Yeah, totally.

00:06:04 Sana: Okay. Um, Alex for, um, our listeners, uh, you know, including myself because that this was the exact question listeners, which I asked Alexa before we began. Um, for our listeners who may not be aware about this, if we can explain like, you know, what exactly is this spasmodic dysphonia?

00:06:25 Alexa Denaburg: Yeah. So dysphonia is a type of vocal disorder. So there's a bunch of different local disorders. Um, but it is a neurological disorder. So basically the way I can break it down easily is your brain, um, kind of stops signaling correctly to your vocal folds. Um, it's out of your control. There's no, you know, reason for it. There's no direct cause, um, yet there's still research on why this happened. Um, but basically what happens is your signals from your brain to your vocal cord, um, kind of loses its direction And it causes your vocal fold to fluctuate. So they start vibrating and like rubbing against each other. Um, and they kind of just start to spasm. Um, and there really is no direct cause or explanation for it. It's just a neurological like disconnect between your brain and your voice. Um, and kind of like what I mentioned before, when, when I, when I realized this was happening was I just remember exactly the moment I was again, feeling physically fine, mentally was a little unstable with stress. Um, I was reading my credit card number over the phone to renew my gym membership. And I just, I remember reading like the first few numbers and all of a sudden I like could not get the rest of the numbers out. So just to give you an example, it was like, you know, four, two, two, And then the lady on the phone was like, hey, it sounds like you might be thicker losing your voice. Why don't you give me a call back? Um, and ever since that conversation, um, the next few weeks and months, more people started to notice and I started to realize that there was a bigger problem going on that I couldn't ignore anymore.

00:08:33 Speaker 3: Oh. Um. Okay. Um, I really appreciate, uh, and, it's.

00:08:40 Sana: Honestly, honestly, I mean, it's, kind of scary to imagine that because more than trying to process what exactly has happened, it's also about that, that feeling of maybe Helplessness or. Why this has happened. I mean, it's all it must have been very, very overwhelming, honestly. Alexa. That's all I can say because I may not have the appropriate experiences or knowledge to even, uh, apprehend about it. But yeah, that's what I can imagine.

00:09:20 Alexa Denaburg: Yeah. No, it's very true. It was very, you know, scary, confusing. Um, a lot of like, why is this happening to me? Um, like, what did I do to, you know, kind of deserve this. Um, a lot of isolation because, you know, I was confused and scared and didn't have any answers for, you know, I think it was like a little over a year, a year since I got a diagnosis. So meeting people and having people ask if I was okay. I didn't have an answer for them. Um, which, you know, was really scary and caused me to, you know, isolate myself and be kind of, you know, uncomfortable in my own body, um, until I got, you know, some answers and tools on how to feel better.

00:10:13 Sana: And that's what exactly we are now, uh, going to talk about Alexa because, um, what you mentioned, of course, you know, there is no scientific, you know, reason yet, uh, why it may happen or it may happen due to, uh, several, you know, there could be because, you know, it's different, but, but also what, you know, if I kind of do a search on this, it also says that this is considered a lifelong condition. Yeah. Correct me if I'm wrong, Alexa. Um, and, uh.

00:10:50 Alexa Denaburg: I was just gonna say, yeah, you're correct. It's a lifelong condition. There's no cure, there's treatment, there's a way to feel better. But once you are diagnosed, It is a lifelong condition.

00:11:03 Sana: And this, um condition. So I'm just for the listeners, you know, just kind of as a reference, I'm just simply doing a Google research. And that's what the AI summary gives me, that this condition affects approximately five hundred thousand people in the US. Um, now this is not, you know, some kind of, you know, just a simple way, uh, that you do a kind of a checklist of, uh, things and it will be, it will be some gradually, gradually taken care of. Uh, it, what I can imagine here that it definitely took some really, um, you know, rigorous way, ways and also consistent ways to heal this. So that's what I, you know, our listeners would love to know from you that, you know, your most of your healing came through holistic practices. Um, but then when you decided to rebuild from the inside out, where did that actually start for you? How did it actually look like for you?

00:12:07 Alexa Denaburg: Yeah, it was a very long journey. Um, I, I had to take a medical leave from work, um, just because I couldn't focus on healing while balancing work, stress, confusion, isolation, depression. I just needed to remove myself from my day to day and fully dive into what is going on in my body. How do I get better? What do I need to do? So it became like my whole purpose and like dedication every single day was to learn more, talk to, well, I wouldn't be talking, listening to other people doing my own research. Um, and I was just determined to figure this out. So for most, Um, not most, but it's popular for people with spasmodic dysphonia to do Botox injections as a treatment. So it worked for a lot of people. Um, you basically would get Botox injections in your vocal folds a few times a year. Um, and it paralyzes your vocal fold from fluctuating and it works really well for people. Um, I personally, it didn't sit right with me when a doctor told me that that would be the only way I could get my voice back. I just, it didn't feel right to me as like a twenty eight year old to have to get injections every few months to sound like myself. That just seemed like, I don't know. To me, it just didn't it didn't feel like the right treatment. Um, and so I, I, again, I did a lot of tests, I did medications and met with neurologists. We tried the whole, you know, um, non holistic route and I wasn't seeing any progress. I was just getting frustrated with speech therapy. It wasn't working. Um, so what I did was just take a, I, what really turned things around was going on a holistic wellness retreat, um, where I learned how to like get back into my body again and just heal naturally. Um, which was a very foreign concept to me. I think the most I would do is maybe yoga and breathwork before this retreat. But um, yeah, I just being around healers and, um, people who understood the body holistically and weren't rush to like prescribe me a medication or, you know, fix my diet or just think about my voice They were thinking about my my whole body, the rest of my body that I kind of was ignoring for like two years. Um, they taught me how to get in to those areas and how to kind of reset my nervous system without even thinking about the voice. Um, and that was just like a whole new concept to me because, you know, the last two years, every doctor appointment, every conversation, every thought was about my voice and it would just cause me to tense up even more. But the second I, I talked, you know, I met people that were like, you know, you're, you're fine. Your voice is fine. You just need to learn how to calm your body and release this tension and you're going to be okay. And just hearing that, like I, you know, was able to relax for the first time in, you know, a while and was just very open to what they were, you know, teaching. And I, I can talk about some of the, the, um, you know, the practices that I learned. So I learned about tension release exercises where it's very common for people who have jaw trauma, either like a veteran or going through addiction. Um, it's called pre, you can look it up on YouTube. Um, they're exercises that you basically like your body shakes and it just, your body is in control of these. Like, you know, I have never seen anything like it, but you kind of just lay on the ground and you do these exercises that unlock, um, tension in your body and you just kind of, you shake it out and you feel a lot lighter releases tension. I started to do that. Um, a lot of yoga, restorative yoga, um, breathwork, meditation, um, and a lot of sound healing. So I learned a lot about frequency, um, in sound baths that would just, you know, relax my, um, nervous system and, um, a lot of hot and cold therapy. So anything that would, you know, allow me to breathe and get back into my body was really beneficial to like start to feel control and like calm and peace in a body that I like was so scared of, um, after the diagnosis, it was kind of like, you know, relearning how to live, um, in a way so I could keep going about that. But that's just kind of the journey in my, uh, holistic healing.

00:17:45 Sana: Especially, I really loved how you mentioned about relearning because it was indeed relearning because you have to. It's not about that. You had to dismiss your past years or your experiences, but now you were doing changes in the way you, uh, look at not only your your physical health, but your nervous system, your emotional health, your, you know, at the soul level. So, um, and one thing also, you know, I know we are very, very short on time, but Alex, uh, feeling it's, it's not always just, you know, once done, it's all good. I mean, you rebuild, you find some peace with it. And then once again, you know, our hard day could come and, uh, the voice probably wouldn't cooperate. Or maybe the old grief or anger, uh, that frustration also could rush back. So when that happens. Or maybe you know it did. How? Or it does. How. How do you find your way back without feeling like you have lost all the ground you gained?

00:19:03 Alexa Denaburg: Yeah. Um, I just like I go back to that moment for me, I really, I felt lost and down and I was definitely depressed. And I felt like every day was a struggle, like even ordering a cup of coffee, I didn't feel comfortable doing because I would have to talk to a stranger and they wouldn't know what I was saying. Picking up a prescription was difficult. Any phone call was hard, like very easy in quotes like daily tasks became extremely difficult and scary. So all of those layering up and every day was a new challenge. It was really hard to like stay positive and to keep going. And I definitely wasn't positive the whole time. Um, but what did keep me going was, you know, just having a therapist was great. Um, talking to her and coming up with new ideas on, you know, how to stay calm, what to do. Um, but also just my support system. So my husband, um, my best friend, my family, my friends, um, you know, leaning on them when I needed extra support, if I needed someone to order for me at a restaurant or, you know, make a phone call for me or just understand that I was going through something that most of them didn't know about or know how to help me, just kind of just leaning on them and not feeling alone. Um, but also being part of the, um, international dysphonia, um, group, which um, I volunteer with now, which connect me with people who have all these different types of dysphonias and learning that they go through the same challenges as I do and did. Um, and yeah, connecting with them, hearing people that sounded like me, um, not feeling like a complete, you know, alien. Um, so yeah, just finding ways to not feel alone. And that gave me the confidence in like keeping keep going to better myself.

00:21:24 Sana: Honestly, that is really, really inspiring. I'm really thankful for that. Um, because, often the way healing is, is portrayed is, um, kind of sometimes overly positive or overly aesthetic. It is not. And, um, everyone has their own time and way of, of going through this. And, uh, before we, we wrap up, um, Alexa, for our listeners, especially who are walking their own uncertain road and if they also want to, uh, support the work that you are doing and if they would like, love to, you know, connect with you, continue forward this conversation, how they can reach out to you.

00:22:10 Alexa Denaburg: Yeah. Um, you, they can email me, I'd love to hear, you know, from people, it doesn't have to be from voice disorder, but any, anyone that maybe connected with this or is working on their own healing journey or is interested in holistic healing, um, and talk about it forever. Um, you can email me, um, my email, um, is a denaburg d e n a b u r g. Um, at gmail. Oh sorry, twenty two at gmail dot com. So a denaburg At gmail dot com, and you can send me an email. And yeah, we can chat. Um, yeah.

00:22:57 Sana: Who posted this? Says I'm going to drop all the links and details in the show notes. And, uh, thank you so, so much, Alexa, because, um, this wasn't definitely an honest and warm and also quietly brave, you know, exactly. Um, why? Um, personally also, you know, I, I really, really feel very, um, thankful for, you know, doing these episodes and conversations I really appreciate and it's really inspiring to see what you are doing, um, how far you have come along and, uh, I must really congratulate for what you're doing and, uh, thank you so much once again.

00:23:39 Alexa Denaburg: Thank you. Thanks for making the space and just the like, just one takeaway is like, if you or anyone going through like a healing journey or something difficult, like never stop, um, like fighting for yourself and advocating for yourself, even if you're getting answers that don't feel right to you. Um, just keep going until you find something that does sit well with you. Um, there were a lot of doctors that told me, you know, this is it, this is what you're going to sound like. And that never felt right to me. Um, and that's like the number one thing I can say is just do what, you know, keep, keep advocating for yourself because no one else will.

00:24:24 Sana: Perfectly, perfectly. Thank you so much for Alex. And yes, listeners, thank you so much for being here, for being present. And, um, you have been listening to the Mindful Living Show. Be gentle with yourself and trust your own voice. But until next time, I'm Sana. I'll be back soon with another episode. Thank you so much.