All right, everybody, welcome back to another episode of We Are Already Free.

My name is Nathan Mainguard and it is a pleasure to be here with you today.

Isn't it crazy that in this society of ours where we have more connection than ever thanks to social media, we also scroll endlessly and feel more isolated than we've ever been.

And actually isolation is considered one of the great epidemics of our times.

Surrounded by hundreds of apparent connections, but.

But left feeling completely alone.

This is crazy.

And this is serious as well.

Like, isolation has real gnarly, challenging impacts on our health as individuals, as communities, as a society.

And this really matters.

So today we have a magnificent guest who's gonna help us to discover a practical four part formula that can cut through the noise and actually go beyond the surface of relating, get into the depths.

How can we build genuine connections satisfying that actual deep human need for real connection, even if you've always felt like the odd one out and you don't fit in, etc.

Our guest today is Dr.

Adam Dorsey, who has spent years studying what makes connection real and lasting.

He's written a best selling book on connection, given multiple TEDx, talks about many epic topics like emotions and friendships, hosts the award winning Super Psyched podcast.

And what makes his work extra special for us today is his focus on helping people to move beyond surface level interactions to find genuine, meaningful connections.

So he is here today to share with us insights from his new book, Super Psyched, which is about unleashing the power of the four types of connection so you can live a life that you love.

Let's go.

What a pleasure to have you all here today.

Thank you for being with us and welcome back to we are Already Free.

Hear the words we are already free.

What comes up for you?

Acceptance.

Change.

The shift in awareness.

Human beings are so powerful.

There's so much more.

Everything is love behind it.

Breaking the chains of your own mind.

That which remains.

Nature getting out of the matrix.

We're sitting on the treasure and it's already unlocked.

We are already free.

You're free.

You are a walking man.

I've always been free.

You are always free.

Already free.

We are already free.

Hello, Adam.

Welcome to the show.

Nathan, it is so great to be with you.

And I would use the term magnificent for you as well.

I've enjoyed our green room chat and just getting to know you briefly.

What a cool person.

Ah, thank you, brother.

I deeply appreciate that.

And actually, this topic today, it's so close to my heart.

I mean it is really right in the center of my being and of what I want more of in the world is this idea of real, authentic, deep connection.

And yeah, just like, can't wait to pick your brain about it, basically.

But the place I'd really like to start, I think that is always what I'm so curious about is why you, why this topic?

You know, like what, what has your journey been like in your life that made you feel like you wanted to help people to connect more with each other?

What, what have you gone through?

What have your connections been like?

Has it ever felt like you weren't making those deeper connections and, and just kind of bring us into a bit of your story and, and how this has all kind of come to where it is for you?

Well, you've really just asked questions that really probe the depth of my soul.

Ever since the baby, ever since I was, ever since I was a baby, my mother described me as like the most connecting baby.

Just, I had this innate hunger to connect with everybody who passed by.

And as I grew up, I struggled with these connections.

I didn't really understand social cues.

I was neuro atypical.

I really wanted friends, but couldn't make them.

I invited all the kids from my class over to play, play.

And my mother actually saw me go through a list in second grade where I literally asked every boy from my class to hang out and I got rejected by all of them.

So connection was a hunger of mine.

It did not come easy.

And subsequently, if you fast forward into my adulthood, I lived in various countries, trying to learn different languages, trying to understand what it's like to connect with people on a deeper level from other countries who spoke languages that were not my own.

And I really wanted to understand what is this being human thing?

How do, how do we human?

And all of the questions that accompany it.

So I became later in life a psychologist.

And during the 20,000 hours approximately that I've provided therapy, the word connection just kept on showing up.

It was one of the most important words and yet it didn't seem to be well defined.

Like, what is this nebulous thing called connection?

If you look it up in the dictionary, it just says kind of like two railroad cars connecting with each other.

Not, not a very satisfying definition.

And when you even probe the American Psychological Association's definition of connection, it is lackluster as well.

So I decided to ask myself, what is this thing called connection?

And how are the ways that we experience it?

There are books on connection with your partner, with your children, with your clients, connecting with your audience, perhaps, but what about the four ways we connect?

I've not seen anybody write about that and expressly address how do I connect with myself at the center, which is the most important connection?

The second of the four is how do I connect with others?

And of course, how I connect with others, as you might imagine, is informed by how I connect with myself.

And you'll see that how I connect with myself impacts the third realm, which is how do I connect with the world?

The world could include everything from art.

I see a guitar behind you.

You're connecting with the world.

When you connect with art and music, or when you connect with work or your history, perhaps your ancestry, that's the third realm.

The fourth is how we connect with something greater.

How do we connect with.

It could be for some people, religion.

It could be for others, spirituality.

And for the most dogged atheist, it could be that when they go someplace beautiful, like where you live, let's say they go to the African savannah and they see animals running around, they will say, wow.

And they will feel a connection to something greater than themselves, like, wow.

This place called Africa where my man Nathan lives, has evidence of something that is precedes me by so many thousands of years.

And this is how we've been.

And it brings us back to something greater.

So something greater could be a host of things, but awe is a big one.

There's been a lot of psychological research on awe.

Awe.

It seems to actually incur the same wonderful effects on our brain as psilocybin without the psilocybin.

So something greater is.

Is.

It's.

It's one of the great, great experiences.

And they are all impacted by that center question.

How am I connecting with myself?

Just for evidence of that, if you ever have a massive head cold, let's say you're so stuffed up and you're trying to connect with what else you're feeling or the person you're with, you're impaired temporarily.

It's hard to really connect with yourself, others, the world, and something greater when you have a massive head cold.

And when we're not connecting to our emotions or to ourselves in an authentic manner, being free to use your term, we are impaired.

And lastly, if you look through the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, which is the diagnosis bible of mental health, virtually every described pathology has within it a description of disconnection, disconnection of self when we're depressed because we're thinking we could be thinking about the past and ruminating disconnection with self when we're anxious or having any of the anxiety disorders because we're future tripping, worrying about what may come.

Disconnection with self when we are in trauma, because we may be dissociating one of the features of trauma.

Lastly, of course, psychosis is a break from reality itself.

So if disconnection is at the heart of everything we don't want, connection appears to be the precursor to everything we do.

To happiness, to meaning, to fulfillment, to a good dash between our birth date and our death date.

The more connected we are during that time, the better we will be doing so.

It's been my journey to really try to help unpack.

What does connection mean?

I actually came up with a working definition.

I actually asked 10 other licensed mental health professionals to weigh in on a working definition.

And we came up with a working definition that was longer than a page.

And it essentially said at the heart of it, it is vitality.

It is what.

It is life force.

It is what brings you alive.

And I'm guessing that if I was to put that guitar on you and give you a nice group of people, what we would see in your face would be an aliveness.

You would be shining.

That's connection.

And that is one of its many forms.

There are so many forms, and everyone has different formulas for connection.

All 8 billion residents of this planet have a different formula for how they connect with themselves, others, the world, and something beyond.

In this book that I've written, which I have titled Super Psyched because and it's meant to be not just like happy all the time.

It's meant to describe super connected to our psyches.

And when we're connected to our psyches, it is an expression of us being free.

So we use just to bring it back to the podcast.

Amazing, man, you just dropped so much golden us, just like a shower of treasure.

That's amazing.

I think you've spoken to actually just reflecting on your childhood story of.

I have such clear memories of even going to school as a youngster and really wanting like the.

The urge was let's connect, you know, let's be authentic to like, really.

And I didn't have those words, but it was like I came in very vulnerable, very open, very authentic.

And I got absolutely battered for.

So like the bullying, getting locked in the lockers, you know, all those fun things that happen to the sensitive ones and the ones who haven't worked out the shell.

And what then happened, which I'm sure you're incredibly familiar with through your work and what so many of us are familiar with through our own lived experiences, is I went Oh, I guess there's something wrong with me.

So I should keep myself small and, And.

And pretend I need to put on the mask so that I can then fit into the society.

And of course, that had all these downstream health effects and all the rest.

So just deeply resonating with what you're sharing there as an opener of coming into this world, wanting to connect and being like, am I doing it wrong?

So, Nathan, I got it.

I just got to just.

Yes.

And that kajillion percent.

So what you basically just said is my answer to are we already free?

And my answer would be, we were born free and we lost it along the way.

We were told we were not free.

We were told we were the image of the others who mirrored us inaccurately.

So we became hardened, and it's our job to crack away at the calcification or perhaps to take a long bath and allow it to soothe the way however you wish to do it.

There are multiple tools at your disposal for allowing yourself to be free again.

But we are conditioned through a host of measures from society, whether it's bullying or being told that we shouldn't be a particular way because they don't know what to do with that form of gender expression or whatever it might be.

I remember growing up, Nathan, and there were three basic food groups as it related to prototypes of masculinity.

I could be the jock, like Joe Montana was the quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers.

You could be like that.

You could be like James Bond.

That's cool.

Or you could be a rock star.

You could be really just like, let's imagine Angus Young from acd.

Or for the.

For the Aussies listening, acadaca or acdc.

Those were.

Those were basically what we had.

Those were the basic food groups of masculinity.

Um, you might, you know, throw in, you know, a John Wayne type.

But none of those resonated with my idea of masculinity.

Mine was much more like yours.

Being sensitive.

Yes.

Also by chance, I happen to have been heterosexual and I happen to like all kinds of music.

Sure, I loved ACDC and Van Halen and all the hard groups, but I, very quietly and behind closed doors, also enjoyed George Michael.

Couldn't say that out in public.

I would have been shamed.

I'm like, what's wrong with you, man?

And so I actually even talk about that in the book, just my relationship in loving the music of George Michael, which was my truth.

And I would say, so much as when people say they have a guilty pleasure, they're not hurting anybody or themselves.

It is not a guilty pleasure.

It is merely a pleasure.

And if we are truly free, we own it.

Yeah.

So interesting.

Expanding the.

What's the word?

There's a.

I actually wrote a song, so talking of music and all the rest, I wrote a song called when the Colors Fade.

And it was related to me trying to put an explanation to the idea of depression, because when I was struggling with that, often people would say things to me like, well, you have it better than.

At least you have it better than them.

Or, you know, if you just, like, made your bed, or if you just, like, just go do a workout, or.

Which is actually true.

Yes.

When I did do those things, I did feel better, but it was not about that.

It was a whole other piece that I needed to process that allowed me to move through that, my experience of depression.

But I wrote this song as a way to.

To try to explain.

And the reason it's called when the Colors Fade is because what I would say is, imagine that you've seen color your whole life, and then one day you wake up, and everything is black and white.

It's all grayscale.

No matter.

And no matter what, that's all you see is just.

There's no more color left.

And every time you tell someone that, they say, you just need more yellow in your life.

You just need a little more green.

And you're like, I know, but it's all black and white.

And so the reason I was thinking of that song now is based on what you said of the palette.

There is.

I think it's the second or third verse in that song where it says, the price I pay for this wide palette or this bright palette, the price I pay is high because I'm so sensitive that I get to experience such a broad spectrum of the colors of life.

The price for that is that when the shit hits the fan, basically, it's.

It's incredibly painful.

And the result is this.

Is this collapse into grayness.

And so that's what you just brought up for me now, the remembrance and I honor that song.

It was an important song.

So I got to go there, brother.

I mean, the experience of depression sucks so badly that a group of cancer patients who had depression as well, but who got over both of them.

They.

Both.

They went into remission from their cancer and their depression.

They were asked, which would you rather have a recurrence of the depression or the cancer?

And a large majority said, I would rather have the cancer again rather than the depression.

It sucked.

That Badly.

And what I'm hearing was missing for you was an understanding from others.

We are socially wired creatures.

We need people.

No matter how introverted we are, we need the understanding of people.

And as Nietzsche once said and Kelly Clarkson kind of followed up with, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

I disagree.

What doesn't kill us could actually make us much weaker.

For example, let's imagine, let's take a bizarro version of you, a not, you know, another simulation of another Nathan going through this.

And instead of writing the song, you decided to get into alcohol hard, like really hard.

And then you ascended to other substances, which many do, and you suddenly became unhoused.

Your relationship fell apart.

You were unemployed.

You did something at work that was put a permanent mark.

Now, I'm not saying that people don't recover from that, but what doesn't kill you might make you a lot weaker, but it depends on how you cope and your decision to prescribe yourself a song to be understood.

It was an acting out from my vantage point.

This may be a little presumptuous of me to even try to interpret what you were doing, but it seems to me that you're writing the song.

And please tell me if I got this wrong or if I'm off in any way, but writing the song was an attempt for you to say, folks, this is my felt experience.

Don't tell me about yellow.

Tell me that you can see me where I am now because I will feel less alone by knowing that you know where I am.

Because you knowing where I am will make me feel less alone.

Yeah, dude.

I mean, it's.

It's beautiful to hear it spoken and reflected so clearly and beautifully.

And it's exactly that.

It's a form of it's communication.

It's like, well, you haven't heard me up to this point expressing what it is that I'm trying to express.

So here's another way that feels like more direct, kind of more direct in a way, because it's.

It's more image oriented, it's more story oriented rather than me making it so personal.

It's more like here it is from a mythological standpoint, from an archetypal standpoint.

And yeah, that's how I love what you just reflected.

And I appreciate that.

And I.

I kind of want to back, almost backpedal a little bit.

And you've already expressed some of these things that we know that when people are experiencing all of these conditions, that disconnection or isolation is often like a key element that is that shows up in those different states or diseases that you've been expressing.

And I'd like to understand, you know, for the listener and for all of us.

So what?

So like we're all a little alone, like we're a little isolated, like what.

Why does it really matter?

Like what is the, what are the actual literal, real knock on effects of a human who's sitting alone and doesn't have that deep connection, Even if they maybe have connections through social media or through people in their lives, but they just never get to go like beneath the surface, what, what actually happens to, on a physiological, mental, psychological, like what's happening to us in that, in that space.

So let's talk about the genesis of this whole thing.

We are wired to be social.

We have survived because of this trait.

The human species outlived our Neanderthal brothers.

And who else knows who else was out there?

But I don't know.

But I'm going to say that in many ways we've been a success story because of the fact that we are social creatures.

The negative side effects are that we must conform or we fear being cast out.

And even though our in modern society we will not die in most cases if we're cast out, we can pretty much live in a studio apartment and do our thing.

But our brains don't fully know that our brains are estimated in this current form.

I mean if you have an iPhone, you may have an iPhone 12 to 16, anywhere from that.

How many iPhones have we had in the last 20 years?

Well, we've had many incarnations of that.

We've had one incarnation of our brain in the last 35,000 to 100,000 years.

And yet our surroundings have changed dramatically.

So what kept us alive?

Things like social comparison, conformity, fomo, other things.

If you think about that, they have their roots in our survival because if we were cast out, we would almost certainly die.

So we've been really, really primed to listen to social cues and to lose ourselves in that process.

Now if we are able to tap.

And one of the things that we lose by the way, is our inability, our ability to articulate our own emotions.

And when we enter, when we lose our ability, particularly for males.

But women have come to me saying, come on, what are you talking about?

Particularly for males.

So I honor the experience of all genders as it relates to this process.

But we are told in some ways you don't feel that.

What about yellow?

When you're in a midst of a sadness and when what you needed more than anything Was somebody to midwife your experience and say, I'm with you as you go through this.

Because that's what our social brains really want, is that connection and knowing we are not alone.

There's an old African proverb, you know it something akin to, if you want to go fast, go alone.

If you want to go far, go together.

Gee, I wonder why.

And part of going far together in the process of every buddy movie or any friendship movie or any real relationship movie is the people understand each other.

They may have different experiences of the stimulus, but they understand the other person's experience of the stimulus.

Two people watching a sunset.

One person might say, oh my gosh, what a gorgeous sunset.

The other one may say, wow, I feel like I'm in the sunset of my life.

I'm very sad.

That sunset reflects an existential reality.

I'm in my last chapter.

And if both people say, ah, don't feel that, or don't, you know, you shouldn't be so happy about the sunset, or you shouldn't be so sad about the sunset.

That doesn't.

The starting point is feeling understood.

And the physiological effects are, well, first of all, let's go with the emotional effects.

If we disconnect ourselves from our feelings, there is actually a term for that, and that is called alexithymia.

Alexithymia means the inability to articulate our own emotional process.

A the absence of lexi word thymia feeling.

And that is something I see in my office all the time.

That's what compelled me to do my first TEDx talk.

Emotions that data men miss.

And what is at stake is basically imagine if I said to you, hey, you know what?

You think it's okay not to be in touch with your emotions?

That's fantastic.

Can I have your car keys?

I just need to go in your car.

I'll be right back.

And let's.

What are you doing?

I said, well, I'll be right back.

I'll tell you after I'm back and I go in the car, I put a whole bunch of black electrical tape all across the dashboard.

And I say, okay, great, now go ahead and drive the car.

That is essentially how we're driving through life without access emotions, the data that we need.

And people would say, you got to be high.

I won't know how much gas I have.

I won't know how fast I'm going.

I won't know if I need oil.

I won't know if it's check engine.

And I'll say, yeah, exactly.

And that's what our Emotions are meant to do.

Now, I'm not saying believe every that.

Feelings are facts, Feelings are not facts.

But we do need to actually see them as they go through and ask ourselves, huh, what does this mean?

Is this meaningful, is this a directive to do something, etc.

Etc.

So our feelings are a big deal.

What are some of the long term effects?

Well, I see guys in my office who tell me, oh, man, I knew I shouldn't have married her 20 years ago.

Now I'm in a custody evaluation battle and it's terrible.

I knew it.

I just didn't listen to my feelings.

I was told to shit or get off the pot.

I needed to move.

So that's what I listened to.

I listened to her or I listened to him.

Could be from anybody.

I'm not, I'm not suggesting that one gender or any gender is more like, you know, likely to have this experience.

It happens to all of us.

So what happens when we don't listen to our emotions?

Well, we can somaticize when somebody shows up and says, wow, you know, I am having back pain, Oftentimes there is no physiological cause.

Oftentimes there is an emotional component.

When somebody, believe it or not, tells you that they have.

I had a patient, and this is not uncommon, who said he was urologically fine, he'd had everything checked, but he had erectile dysfunction.

And as he began to get to know his emotions a little bit better, and as he was with the right partner, he never needed another Viagra ever, because he was emotionally connected.

So somaticizing is real.

It can reduce our immune system.

It can do a host of things.

If you look up the effects, somaticizing and being out of touch with our emotions, being disconnected means that we basically are being driven by our emotions.

We may act them out rather than talk them out.

How many times does somebody say something that they can't take back and they let the emotions get the best of them?

Viktor Frankl, who talks about freedom, if we're talking about we're already free.

He was in Auschwitz.

He knows about freedom better than anybody.

He said between the stimulus and the response, there is a space and within that space there is choice.

People know that term.

And I'm glad because when somebody cuts me off on the road, I have a choice.

I can let it go or I can flip them off or I could do a host of things.

I could chase them.

I'm like, no, I'm not gonna let this guy get the better of me.

Well, if I chase them or if I flip them off.

There could be dangerous consequences, like dire.

I know this.

I've seen it.

I've heard it from too many people.

I've even been that guy and had a close call.

I must confess, in my 20s, not stoked to even relay this to you.

But I can tell you that a millisecond can change a person's life if they're not in touch with their emotions.

Get control.

Bruce Lee would not let that happen.

Jackie Chan would not let that happen.

When Jackie Chan was asked if somebody asks you to fight me, asks, hey, will you fight me?

He says, no.

I run because I know that, sure, I could probably beat him, but I don't need to.

A, and B, I might break a bone in the process, which might mean that I don't get to be in the next film.

I don't want any.

I've in.

Jackie Chan has broken every bone in his body, but he says he would run.

I think that's really, really tapping into his emotions and his thoughts.

Brilliant.

That is freedom.

Yeah, well said.

And you said something there that was coming up for me so strongly.

So I'm so glad you spoke to it around Somatics.

And I'm actually in the process of studying a called body based breakthrough.

It's a somatic coaching certification.

And it is just blowing my mind how valuable it is.

And it's.

It's kind of bringing together a lot of the pieces I've already been picking along the way through breath work practices and the coaching I'm doing and ice baths and all these various pieces.

And I'm understanding now that, you know, and I've even been using some of these processes already that I'm learning with the somatic training with my clients.

And the results are just phenomenal.

And I'm you.

I've had a few breakthroughs myself in the last few weeks just from practicing it with myself.

And interestingly enough, today I went surfing this morning.

I've been kind of going through it recently.

It's been like a lot going on and I've just been feeling kind of at the edge of my.

My capacity.

And so I just, I ended up being like, you know what?

I'm just gonna go watch the sunrise, get in the water and just.

And I did.

And what was interesting was that I felt almost no pain in my right, like shoulder and neck.

And I've had chronic pain for, I don't know, so, so many years.

And it's got a lot better since I started taking better care of myself and working out more and doing a lot of inner processing, all these things.

But I notice it's a noticeable shift since I started doing more somatic work in the last month or so where I could paddle in the surf and just be like, I am not feeling inhibited in that part of my body right now, which is almost unique in my entire, in the last like 10 plus years of my surfing life.

So just hearing what you're saying, it speaks to me at a very deep level and that there are these different things that thought is important.

Of course it's critical that we are thinking, but there's also emotion, there's sensation, there's imaging, there's all these other somatic ways of expressing and experiencing reality.

And we have to make space for those.

So I'm so happy to hear you speaking to that and, and yeah, I just really appreciate you bringing that in.

And I think it's so amazing that you have so many great coping strategies at your, at your, at your fingertips.

You've got your s, you got your guitar, you got your surfboard, you've got your ability to write a song and to express your emotions that way.

Now you've got ice baths and other somatic things.

And one of the things that we know unequivocally is that the body does.

I mean, vessel.

Van der Kolk got it right when he wrote the body keeps the score.

I mean, the body does keep the score and many of the things we need to move through, both, of course, talking and being understood and talk therapy and through body based experiences.

There is so much evidence that doing things like ice baths for those who, you know, are medically clear to do that.

I'm not giving any medical advice, by the way, ever on this.

So just to be clear about that.

Oh, also just to let you know, just to name an elephant in the room, there appears to be a bit of a delay between me and, I'm guessing Cape Town, because you're near the coast, but just to be.

Yeah, so I just need to name that.

But when we attend to the body, that's a really, really good place to go as well.

There's a reason that we are soothed in our mother's arms as babies and swaddled.

We need something akin to that as we grow up.

And for, for all of us, it's, it's a different path.

For some of us, it's surfing.

That's part of your connection formula.

Part of your connection formula is playing the guitar and doing ice baths.

You found a formula for you to connect with who you are and expressions of who you are through each of these things.

And untold so many other things.

And between the birth date and your hopefully very, very far out death date, you will be able to say to yourself, yeah, I'm living my life.

And there's no one path for anybody.

There are multiple paths and people often think, why need to find that one thing?

There are probably 30 things that will turn you on and cause you to come alive.

So don't feel this pressure to find the one thing.

The greatest physician you know could have also in all likelihood been a great anthropologist, film director, musical artist, perhaps even a writer, who knows.

All I can tell you is all you need to do is look to Michael Crichton, who was a great physician and a great writer.

He ended up writing Jurassic park and doing er.

We have oceans within us, so don't come to this idea of like, oh my gosh, I'm going to need to find myself.

And it's one thing, it's many, it's invite many things.

And like David Bowie described, you know, changes.

We saw him go through Ziggy Stardust and kind of a gentlemanly let's dance mode.

We all have that.

Miles Davis's albums, they were all Miles, but they were different.

I mean, such different records.

All representations of something from within him.

So I just love this idea of we are already free, we just need to find a way back to it in our own.

In our own way.

And no one can say there is one way.

There are so many, many ways to emancipate ourselves and become free again.

Well, so well said and I'd actually love to dive into your book a little.

Obviously anyone listening to this by now should have already gone and bought their copy.

Hey, everyone listening?

Of course.

But like this thing, what you just said there around having the formula for my formulas for.

I think you said formulas for connection.

So I'm curious, what is something that you could offer to the listeners around this formula that you have gathered and created and put together for us in this book?

Super psyched.

What is it that you could gift to our listeners so that they can walk away having more opportunity for connection after listening to this?

Sure.

Well, it starts with various probes in the book asking how do we connect best with ourselves?

Because that is the starting point again with that image of the massive congestion head cold.

If we go through life in that way, we are going to be impaired in our abilities to connect with others, let alone ourselves.

So one of the things we want to do is find those things that truly give us energy.

Most of us just fall to the easy.

There is a cognitive bias that says do the easy thing.

It's what causes us.

On a Saturday when we have had a long week, we brew up some coffee, we turn on the tv, we start streaming something, we start folding the laundry, pet the dog, drinking the coffee, answering texts and emails and looking at social media all at once.

And we don't feel rejuvenated by Monday.

And we ask ourselves, why?

Well, what have we been doing?

Well, we've been going for what's easy.

Most of the good stuff takes a little bit of activation energy, a little planning, a little intention.

But the brain has a cognitive bias of just wanting to do what's easy.

So we need to get past that and say, you know what?

It's not easy.

Easy to go surfing.

It requires some planning, it requires some intention, it requires some activation energy.

But on the other side of it, we can ask ourselves, hey, how did I feel after doing that?

What is my post activity rating of this experience?

That is a good sign.

Or when we connect with friends, how do we drive away from those experiences?

And I have a whole thing on friends because friends are a really big part of how we feel connected.

Do we feel well mirrored?

Do they give us time to hear ourselves?

A lovely, actually psychotherapist from, I believe Cape Town, Dr.

Hugh Grubb, conveyed to me a quote from Donald Winnicott, who was a British psychoanalyst who said one of the greatest things I've ever heard, and that is psychological health can be demonstrated by one's willingness to share themselves fully and to take in the experience of another person fully, that upload and download.

So I find that absolutely fascinating and true and I give a salute to Dr.

Hugh Grubb for saying that to me.

He now resides in Silicon Valley.

So you've got a fellow countryman out here.

But the other cool thing here is that we get to discover what brings us alive, what gives us life force.

And I'm not suggesting that we should never stream video, drink coffee, go on social media.

But one of the things that I believe from the bottom of my heart and from the research is that we need to have more experiences of what's called flow.

We need to challenge ourselves in some way.

Flow comes from.

It's a heady concept that comes from Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.

He basically found that when people are totally immersed in a thought thing, when they're doing something, for example, for four hours and it feels like under an hour has passed because you're so challenged in doing that.

I'm guessing that when you're out there surfing, time goes by like that.

And I'm guessing when you're not challenged and you're doing something super boring, you know, one hour can feel like four hours.

We need to spend more time creating, less time consuming.

And so, yes, while social media is great for a particular purpose, perhaps I would say use it, don't let it use you because it wants to use you.

And it will use your life force and you will engage in such things as social comparison.

Oh my gosh, look at how great their lives are.

You're gonna feel crappy about yourselves.

One of the best ways to feel bad about yourself is to compare yourself to others, especially believing they're outside and not knowing they're inside because we don't know in that photo of the person looking like they're living their best lives.

Waking up and doing cold bath, you know, doing the whole.

All the things in Bali, I'm living my best life.

You might feel envious or lacking.

Well, here I am, you know, living, quote, an ordinary life.

One of the things we know for sure is that what people post on social media tends to be somewhat false.

We don't know what's going on behind that picture and it doesn't really matter.

But what does matter is that we are actually doing stuff that is meaningful to us, gives us flow, allows us to have challenge, and that we engage in gratitude for what we have.

I rolled up when my first brand new car and I could look around my block and see way better cars in terms of the sticker price 2x3x.

I live in Silicon Valley.

People have nice cars out here.

My car is fine and I love it.

But it's my job to appreciate that car and what we appreciate, appreciates.

And every time I hit the ignition on that car, I think to myself authentically, I love this car.

And every time I drive this car because I actually put on new tires, I got rid of the OEMs.

I think to myself, what amazing tires.

And I do that with the people in my life and the pets in my life.

I appreciate them.

I do it with my profession.

I regularly engage in gratitude that I get to serve people in the way I do.

I work with people who are unbelievably well off from time to time who describe their lifestyles.

And I double down on being grateful, not complacent.

I still, I still hit it hard.

I'm still going for it, but I'm So grateful for what I have.

And what do we know about gratitude?

It literally changes the brain.

Neuroimaging shows that the more connected we are to gratitude, the more we choose our freedom to engage in gratitude exercises, the more areas, including that valuable real estate in our prefrontal cortex, will change.

Neuroimaging shows this.

So, I mean, they're ancient.

It's really interesting how I believe Mark Twain once said, the older I get, the smarter my parents were.

And what we found in ancient traditions, whether it's Buddhism, Judaism, any of the great religions, many of the practices become corroborated by modern science.

In Judaism, you're supposed to be grateful 108 times a day.

108 times a day.

Well, in modern positive psychology, we suggest three times and asking ourselves, not just am I grateful, but what am I grateful for and why?

And I give extra credit to the people who say, can I feel it, that gratitude, somewhere in my body?

Oftentimes it's a radiation of the chest.

Maybe it might be a smile, might be a tear.

But having a somatic experience of gratitude can really seal the deal.

I've been with my OI for 22 years.

People would think I've been with her for a week.

Because for me, every day, she will hear something.

I mean, does she know she's adored?

Yes, she knows she's adored.

And it's authentic.

I adore her, and I let her know it in multitude of ways.

Not super cheesy, hopefully, but true, authentic gratitudes for who she is at her core and how beautiful I think she is inside and out.

So the more we can do this, the more wealth we provide.

There's an old joke.

There's the couple from the Midwest.

It's a Minnesotan joke in the United States.

And the wife asked the husband, honey, do you love me?

And the husband says, Babe, 20 years ago, when I married you, I told you I loved you.

And I told you I'd let you know if anything changed.

And it's a funny joke, but it's a tragic joke.

There are 7,300 days in 20 years for 7,300 days, this man could have told his wife at least once daily how much he appreciated her and how much he loved her.

That's 7,300 strikes in baseball as far as I'm concerned.

And it all takes three strings to be out.

So, like, dude, get your act in gear or.

Or to anyone, get your act in gear and appreciate those in your life.

Let them know.

Let them know.

One of the things we know on deathbed studies, which seem to be the cruelest of all studies, is that one of the biggest regrets in life is love left on the table.

When we don't express our love, we actually suffer.

It's so crucial.

So there's a lot going on here.

There's a lot of ways to emancipate ourselves.

The term tmi, when somebody looks at you and judges you and says, too much information, you know.

You know that the relationship can only go so far.

There's so many ways that we limit ourselves.

But fomo.

I had a fellow on my podcast, wrote a book called FOMO Sapiens.

We are wired to experience fomo.

I would propose the idea of Jomo.

Let's have the joy of missing out.

Not just the fear of missing out, because oftentimes there is so much joy in making a decision.

Now, a decision also shares the etymological roots of incision because it's cutting away other options.

It's very hard for us to make.

We want this and that.

Sometimes we just get this.

And on Sunday night, I had actually bought tickets to go see a comedian who I really wanted to see.

But you know what?

It was more important for me to be that night with my wife and son.

I just really wanted to be there with them.

And I chose to lose the money.

That the money was actually my admission price to get to hang with them.

And it was totally awesome.

It was the right choice.

Yes.

Did I miss out and did I see on Facebook corroborating evidence that it was a great show?

It was a great show.

It was clearly a great show.

I definitely missed.

But I also experienced the joy of missing out.

I got to be with two of my favorite people.

And that was really what.

That was my truth.

That evening.

I had thought about it and I'd made.

Did a cost benefit analysis.

I didn't just automatically go, I've got tickets, so I'll go, no, I actually chose, and that was my choice.

Beautiful, man, I love that.

So connection.

I mean, the big takeaway for me, I mean, you've just said something about gratitude that I think is like, if.

If people only do one thing after listening to this podcast, other than buying your book, obviously, it would be introduce somatic experiencing into your gratitude.

Like, at the very least, introduce gratitude, but make gratitude not just, I am grateful for this, I am grateful for that.

I'm grateful for that.

It's like, yes.

And then why are you grateful for that?

And then where can I feel this gratitude in my body right now?

And I think that that is such a powerful self connection.

And that really gives you that first part of connection.

Like you were talking about the four types of connection.

The first being connection with self.

And from there that creates that foundation that can then grow into connection with all those other aspects.

And so I absolutely love that.

I'm curious if there's anything else.

We're coming to the end here and really like anything that you would want to leave our audience with, you really have already spoken to.

Are we already free?

But if you'd like to, you know, I feel like you've covered it so much, but when you think of we are already free, if there's anything else that comes up for you, like what does that bring up?

And then really just where people can find you.

So anything to leave them with, where they can find you.

And anything about being already free.

If there's anything else to say.

Absolutely.

You know, I don't remember what ancient Greek philosopher said that we forget everything at birth.

And I would use the term birth to extend all the way into the ages where we are so profoundly impacted by others.

Now, we are impacted by others all our lives, but there are certain sensitive ages.

And if we can remember a bit of who we are at the core, the things that really brought us alive, those people around us will be better for it.

It's not a selfish act.

In fact, we know, because hurt people, hurt people.

It's a really good expression.

Hurt people end up hurting people.

When I'm hurting, I'm more likely to hurt to say something that will hurt.

And the more I'm connected, in your case, let's say the more you're connected to your guitar and surfing, ice baths and other things, the more space you have for others, the more likely you are going to be passing along a torch of goodness for the other person to carry.

Because we know that when we impact others, they will carry what's called a cognitive afterimage of that experience.

Don't believe me?

Go to Disneyland sometime and walk by It's a Small World.

What will you hear for the rest of the day?

You'll hear It's a small world.

Get cut off by some fool on the road who is driving very poorly and perhaps even aggressively and perhaps seemingly intentionally.

And then you immediately get home and the person behind the door greets you and you say, I'm in a crap mood.

These are cognitive afterimages.

We have these afterimages.

It's our duty to find a way to get them out of our system in a healthy way so that we can be more available for ourselves and others.

And that is the ultimate expression of freedom.

Dr.

Sonia Lyubomirsky has demonstrated through a beautiful pie chart that 50% of our happiness is attributed to.

To.

And this has been replicated through studies.

50% of our happiness appears to be kind of a genetic baseline.

Some people were born on the happier side of the bed.

Some people were born on the grouchier side of the bed.

And that only 10% of our happiness is attributable to current events, to things that are going on in our environment.

Of course, barring horrors.

I mean, if you're going through, you know, a war zone or something like that, it might be larger, but through ordinary life.

And 40% of our happiness is attributable to our intentional activities.

So we have at least 40% that we can work with, and we can actually grow it by doing it more.

So my wish for people is to take a moment and think and experience and take chances on things.

It might not work the first time, but give it a shot.

Learning sometimes takes a while.

Learning a foreign language, you know, the tuition is looking like a fool for a long time and having some levity.

And one of the things that we know for sure will help any of these activities is self compassion.

Having a kind voice in your ear from yourself is correlated with better outcomes.

It's not self.

It's not some kind of self.

What's the word I'm even looking for?

Some kind of.

It's not some kind of nonsense.

It's.

And it's not going to make you weaker.

It's going to make you stronger.

The Navy SEALs, which is the most elite force to my knowledge, in the American military, uses self compassion because they know they're going to get better and faster results.

What athletes who use it.

I mean, Steve Kerr, the Golden State warriors head coach who was on my podcast, said compassion is one of the core values, one of the four core values that has led him to win four titles and be in the NBA finals six times with his team.

And of course, you know, as a player, he was in it like four times with Michael Jordan.

He's amazing.

But compassion.

So cultivate a kind inner voice.

We don't want that.

We.

Yes, we've heard the lionized voice of the really tough coach.

Let's not do that.

Let's have more of a Mr.

Miyagi, a Yoda.

Just think about some Ted Lasso.

We want somebody who's gentle and kind, whispering to us, go get them.

You missed it this time.

You got another shot.

So well said.

So well said.

You've actually just.

I really, like, I'm trying to bring this to a close because we're coming to time, but everything, every time you say something like, o, oh, I want to take us down that path.

But honestly, just a very as brief an anecdote as I can share related to ice baths.

Is that the.

One of the reasons ice baths have been so helpful for me personally, is that the old voice in my head, the critic never got me in an ice bath once?

The voice that goes, come on, just man up, toughen up, get in there.

Don't be a idiot.

Like, you're wasting.

Come on, don't be.

You're failing.

You know that voice, I just.

I'm like, I will not.

I just don't get in the ice bath.

I just won't do it.

The voice that gets me in is when I'm standing next to that bloody cold near freezing water, and I'm terrified.

And I don't want to do it, but I do want to do it because I know what the outcome is going to be.

And the voice that works is the voice that goes, it's okay, buddy, we've been here before, and you are brave and, like, I'm with you, and I got your back.

Like, I know it's going to be tough, but just remember, take some breaths, slow it down, surrender into it, and you're going to be fine.

And I'm right here with you.

Like, let's go.

Come on.

You got this.

I'm with you.

And that voice gets me into the ice bath.

And that's the voice that I am cultivating actively in my life.

Because the other voice, it doesn't work for me anymore.

I understand why I formed that voice as a child, but it doesn't get me where I need to go.

So I really just thank you for reminding us of that.

And I actually just want to read out this lovely Raisin, who has left a comment on the live stream.

Just saying, looking after oneself, one looks after others.

Looking after others, one looks after oneself.

So I really just want to.

Want to say thank you for dropping that in.

And I think that's a beautiful piece as we come to a close here.

So thank you so much.

So, and I agree, I could not agree more with Raisin.

And I don't know if it was Rumi or if it was an ancient Sufi, but as I love you, I love myself, and as you know, just, it's.

We are so socially connected.

Let's use that wiring to our advantage and the advantage of those around us.

This is our birthright.

And I guess everything has come back to me when I've thought about your idea of we are already free is the word birthright.

It's our birthright.

Beautiful.

Well, thank you again for your time, for coming on the podcast, for sharing your wisdom, your message, your book, and it's been an absolute pleasure.

I'm gonna move us into the outro and if you have time to stick around, I'd love to just chat a little after.

It'll take me a couple minutes, but if you got to go.

Absolutely, brother.

But otherwise, yeah, just thank you so much for being here.

It's been an absolute pleasure.

It's been a great hang.

Thanks so much, Nathan.

Thanks to anyone who's been listening as well.

All right, beautiful people, thank you for another episode of We Are Already Free.

Thank you.

If you've joined in live.

Thank you.

If you're listening to the audio, it's been a real pleasure.

Please do remember to, like, subscribe, Turn on notifications, Follow leave reviews.

You know, the things, all that wonderful stuff.

I know it bears repeating because it really makes a huge difference.

It really helps.

And thank you so much to Dr.

Adam Dorsay for joining us on this podcast.

Please go buy his book Super Psyched.

It's a phenomenal book that'll help you to have deeper connections.

I mean, what else are we here for, Truly?

You can find his website, dradamdorce.com or just check the show notes.

It's always easy that way.

You don't have to remember any links.

So please do take a moment this week.

Express some gratitude.

Connect with yourself.

Practice compassion.

Connect with others.

You are, we are all worth it.

We are worthy of the love we seek.

We are worthy of the connection we seek.

And our beautiful guest today has really just been such an inspiration and an example of why it's worth doing that work.

So again, continue to explore what he's up to, look up his book.

And one of the other things I would just love to share is if you yourself are struggling with that kind of dopamine hit of social media or anything that you're using more than you want to use to avoid those uncomfortable feelings of isolation, of disconnection.

I have created a 21 day dopamine detox challenge.

It is free and it's for the people like us, the highly sensitive change makers, the sensitive ones, the ones who are wanting to live in a more authentic, aligned way.

And yet we struggle at times to take those positive actions to make that positive effort, because we're stuck in these patterns and cycles that happens to all of us.

So please do check the show notes or just go to AlreadyFree Me Reset.

Sign up for the challenge.

It is.

It'll be awesome, I promise.

The people who go through it are having a great time, and I'd love to have you there.

But that's it from me for this week.

It's been a total pleasure and a blessing to have our guest on.

I'm super stoked and super psyched, actually, so I wish you well until next week.

As always, please remember we are already free.

I'll see you next time.