What if the anger you carry isn't even yours?

What if it was passed down from one generation to the next, wrapped in trauma, in silence, in survival.

That was Angela's reality.

She grew up in a home filled with control, criticism, and emotional pain.

She learned early on that that love could feel unsafe and anger was just part of life.

For years, those patterns followed her into her relationships, into parenting, into moments she couldn't even explain.

But then something changed.

She made a choice.

She decided that the pain of the past didn't have to shape her future.

In today's episode, you're going to hear her story.

Raw, honest, and full of hope.

Angela is a brave woman who recently enrolled in my online course, the Complete Anger Management System.

And today, she's sharing how she broke free from a legacy she never asked for and started building a calmer, more connected life.

If you've ever felt trapped in a cycle you don't fully understand, if you've ever looked at your reactions and thought, where is this coming from?

This conversation is for you, because I promise you, change is possible.

You do not have to repeat the past.

Hello, and welcome to episode 27 of the Anger Management Podcast.

I'm your host, Alistair Dues, and for over 30 years, I've been helping men and women all over the world learn how to control their anger, master their emotions, and build calmer, more respectful relationships.

And on this podcast, I bring you the same tools and insights I have used with over 15,000 clients, along with the powerful help of AI to support you on your journey to lasting change.

Today's episode is different.

It's not a list of strategies or techniques.

It's a story, a real one, one that I think you'll deeply relate to.

Angela's journey shows what it means to face generational pain head on and choose something better.

Here's my conversation with Angela.

Welcome, Angela.

Can you tell us a little bit about yourself?

I'm married nearly four years.

I've got two kids.

One's just turned three and one's about to turn two.

I run two businesses.

I'm an artist, and I also run an Airbnb.

And I guess I'm pretty outdoorsy, quite outgoing.

So what brought you to my anger course?

There is anger in our family, so I've always been raised with a dad that's had a short temper.

We'd had a great upbringing, but there was always just very impatient in our household.

If it wasn't done, it was like a big.

It could turn into, like, just stress.

So I feel like I've been raised around that, which is then having kids and having them close in age, like 15 months apart.

It's just brought out this like anger in me that I never thought I really had.

But having these kids, it's just given me like real short temper where my husband's come at me like, you need to sort your anger out because it's not good for the kids, it's not good for me.

And I had some family members, like my brother even said to me, like, what's going on?

You seem real angry all the time.

And mum was getting worried about me and I was just like brushing it off and then I thought about it and I was like, my kids are starting to react to this.

Like my 3 year old's yelling back at me, like telling me to shut up and I'm like, this isn't good.

Like this is not what I pictured to be that kind of mother where I'm like getting angry over things that kids just do.

So that's when I was like, no, I need to make a change and my marriage needs to be happier.

Cause I've got quite an opposite husband who's quite calm to a point where it's a little bit too calm.

But then I guess you balance each other out in ways.

But then it's not nice to be arguing or making them angry over things that I don't need to be angry about.

I could probably communicate it more.

Yeah.

So was there a specific incident that brought you to this anger course or was it just a gradual realisation that anger was an issue for you?

I think it's just been gradual.

Like when I became a mum, my husband and I had been together nearly 12 years in our relationship that was like on and off.

So I already had that insecurity of things where it was like, oh, one minute we're good and we have an argument and then, oh, it's over.

And then, oh, we back together again and then I got pregnant with them.

That's when we were like, is this what we need to do?

And I feel like we were always going to be together but we put that stress on ourselves.

We got married and we bought a house and then I fell pregnant quite quickly and all that sort of stress started building up and my daughter didn't really like having a little sister.

So I was dealing with my 15 month old attacking my newborn baby as well as renovating a house.

Like there was so much going on and it's just been a buildup of things where I just snap at the smallest of Things where I'm like, I'll swear my head off.

And it's like, why did I just do that?

Like, I looked at myself like, oh, don't do that.

But you do it because you just all tense and all you feel like doing is screaming because that's the only way people are going to listen to you.

But actually, one, it shuts my husband down, my kids shut down, and then I'm left feeling guilty and like picking up these pieces of, oh, now I've got to like, mean the family.

And yeah, it's all that mung guilt and it just builds up.

Yeah.

It's been a journey.

And I feel like doing this course, it's helping me just to see what is anger as well.

It's not just like screaming.

There's physical, there's derogatory comments and stuff like that.

And I'm just learning that because I can be quite nasty with my mouth too.

Yeah, it's a lot.

Okay, thank you.

So it's given you more understanding of what anger and abuse is, for instance?

Yeah.

Like even just the way I talk, like sometimes I can be quite nasty in my comments.

And then I know that because it's going to hurt people I love.

And that's just not getting us anywhere.

Those comments, it just goes in circles.

And when you look back and think, I don't need to go like that.

And that's where I'm starting to learn with your course, just how I can handle things a bit better.

Yep.

When did you start the course?

I started about a month ago, I think.

Maybe three weeks to a month.

Yeah.

Sounds crazy.

Cause I'm always busy.

It's just finding that time.

And it's usually when the kids are asleep to sit down and do a bit of the modules.

Yeah.

And if I'm not too tired myself.

But it definitely helps having it online where you can sit down, it's quiet and remembering.

Sometimes I'm so, like scattered, but, oh, that's right.

I should have done my anger management last night.

Okay.

And what's been the main thing you've learned so far?

The main thing I've learned so far are the different sorts of anger.

So it's not just physical, verbal, there's psychological, all that stuff.

That part of ego.

I'm also learning.

It's easier than you think to stop the anger.

That's what I'm starting to remember.

I always thought, oh, it's gonna be so hard to break this pattern of anger.

Cause it's so quick.

But learning those little keys to walking away from the situation.

Oh, if I say that, how is it going to affect, say, my husband or my kids?

So I'm starting to just think before I act in little ways and sometimes I don't.

And I'm like, oh, here we go.

But then other ways, I'm like, oh, actually, Yep.

I can hear my husband's actually annoying me.

I'm not liking what he's saying, but I'm not going to react to this right now because it could blow us.

Or just agree to disagree for the time being.

Nice.

So you're more thoughtful about how you respond.

Yes, yes.

Yeah.

Just trying to be more mindful that my kids are looking at me as a leader, like, I'm your mum and they love me to bits, but just trying to remind myself that I've got two little girls that are soaking everything in and if I react like that, they're gonna think that's how you react.

And the more you're back to square one when they become young adults and stuff.

Which that's why I'm breaking the cycle, because I saw my dad, he's got a short temper and the way he handles things is not great.

So it's breaking that family cycle.

Really?

Yeah.

Breaking that cycle is an important motivation for many people.

Have other people noticed any difference in you?

My husband has commented.

He said to me, it's nice to see you not swearing at the kids so much.

And he said that you just seem a bit calmer.

That's what he said to me, which is nice because he's quite a quiet guy.

So when he says something, he means it.

He's not just a talker for no reason.

I was like, oh, thank you.

I'm trying.

That's cool.

What would you say to someone else who is thinking of doing this course?

I would say to them, if you are feeling like you're in a rut where you are finding that anger is your only solution to things and it's affecting your family and affecting your wellbeing or your children.

And definitely look into it.

I think there's some really great kings here, like, for anyone of any sort of personality to take from.

I just think it's a very easy course to follow.

Like your modules, simple.

They're short too.

So you're not like sitting here for half an hour listening to someone where you could doze off.

It's like seven minutes, eight minutes.

Right.

You get the point.

You go over it.

You can write things down, look back on your notes and go, that's what I think it's a benefit for people to looking to do it.

Yeah.

Very cool.

Anything else you'd like to say if.

You'Re thinking of doing it?

If you're in a rut like I have been with, say, relationship, or you're feeling like your partner is on breaking point with you because of the way you're acting or you're leaving, you know, your kids are feeling that, give it a go.

Because at the end of the day, you want to be a happy person.

You don't want to be an angry person.

Anger causes stress, which leads to other things.

And when you're around angry people, it's not nice.

If you're finding it becoming a daily issue or something, give it a go.

See how it works for you.

Okay.

Thanks for listening to my interview with Angela.

Angela's commitment to breaking the cycle of abuse is powerful.

But what really struck me is this.

She didn't wait until things got worse.

She saw the pattern of abuse.

She admitted something had to change and she chose to do something about it for her kids, for her marriage, and for herself.

Angela's story is also a reminder that anger doesn't just show up out of nowhere.

It often comes from the past, from what you saw growing up, or from pain you never really processed.

But just because you inherited that anger doesn't mean you have to pass it on.

You can break the cycle.

You can choose calm over chaos and you can create a home that feels safe for everyone.

As Angela said, if you're stuck in a Ruth, if your relationship is under pressure, or if anger is pushing the people you love away, it's time to try something different.

And remember, you don't have to do this alone.

There is help available and you don't have to struggle with anger forever.

Okay, that's all for now.

If this episode resonated with you, I'd love it if you hit follow and left a quick rating or review on your favorite podcast app.

This helps others find this show and start their own journey toward a calmer, more peaceful life.

And finally, if you're ready to go deeper on your anger management journey, head over to my website, angersecrets.com you can watch a free anger management training there or book a free 30 minute anger assessment.

Call with me and if you're ready to dive in right now, check out angersecrets.com course to learn more about the complete anger management system.

It's helped thousands of people take control of their anger and it can help you too.

Remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

Talk soon.

The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.