Cold Open

Setting: A sporting goods store.

NARRATOR

It's another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis; where the superheroes save the day and the lawyers save the superheroes! Although this time, the lawyers may be a little late for this up-and-coming hero…

SPORTING GOODS EMPLOYEE

Good afternoon! Can I help you find anything today?

SHARNA

Hi! I’m looking for some fishing equipment. The sturdiest hook you have, and a strong line too.

SPORTING GOODS EMPLOYEE

We can certainly do that! Why don’t you come this way?

[walking noises]

Well, here we have the Bait n’ See line of fishhooks, which has a huge range of options. If you want sturdy, my advice is one of the weedless hooks. They’re a favorite among bass fishers–

SHARNA

I’m looking for one with four hooks, actually! Sorry, should’ve mentioned that upfront.

SPORTING GOODS EMPLOYEE

Oh? Any particular reason?

SHARNA

I just really want to make sure it catches.

SPORTING GOODS EMPLOYEE

… ok. Well, four hooks isn’t really a common design, but we do have these three-pronged treble hooks. We also have this state of the art line rated at over 50,000 psi of tensile strength.

SHARNA

Wow, perfect! That’ll definitely hold my weight!

SPORTING GOODS EMPLOYEE

What?

SHARNA

Nothing!

[Time passes. Background noise changes from the sporting goods store to the bustle of a city.]

SHARNA

Okay, let’s try this baby out!

[sound of the fishhook being thrown and catching on a building]

Yes! It caught! Alright, here we go!

[The kid jumps off the balcony she was standing on, expecting the fishhook to support her. There’s a clink as the fishhook pops free of the crevice it’s in, followed by a drawn-out scream as Sharna falls and then a comical splat.]

Scene 1

Setting: A hospital.

HARPER

[quizzing themself via flashcards]

Notice. For an in rem action, relevant persons with known addresses must be notified by mail.

[beat, flips card]

Yes! Alright. When does a proper federal court not have jurisdiction? That would be in… domestic relations cases…

COLE

[approaching]

And probate cases!

BONNIE

Morning, Harper. Studying?

HARPER

Guilty as charged. Only two weeks til the bar exam.

COLE

Damn, coming up. Feel ready?

HARPER

Um, not really. But that just means I have to keep studying.

COLE

What’s the VAPOR act?

HARPER

Villainous Ambitions Prevention and Operations Reform. Provides for extended criminal penalties for supervillainy.

BONNIE

You’re doing just fine. Now, ready to meet our client? She’s in room 207.

HARPER

Of course!

[the gang starts walking]

Why exactly are we meeting at the hospital instead of the office?

BONNIE

She’s too injured to travel at the moment. Full body cast, apparently.

HARPER

Oh, goodness.

[walking stops, the gang comes to the right door]

BONNIE

Okay, here we go.

[Bonnie opens the door to Sharna’s hospital room]

HARPER

[with feeling this time]

Oh, goodness!

[Cole whistles]

BONNIE

[scolding]

Guys.

SHARNA

[defeated]

No, it’s okay. I get it.

BONNIE

Hi, ma’am. We’re from Schmick, Smithson, Smed, and Smythe. My name is Bonnie Firestein, and these are my associates Cole Castillo and Harper Hallo. Could we get your name?

SHARNA

Fly Fisher.

BONNIE

Are you a licensed hero? Is that a legal name?

SHARNA

No, not yet. It’s Sharna Jo Frank.

BONNIE

Alright. Let’s talk about your case.

COLE

Can you tell us how you ended up in a… plaster cast burrito? All we heard was that you tried to use a fishing pole as a grappling hook and fell three stories.

SHARNA

That is so oversimplified! And I didn’t use a pole, just a hook and a line!

BONNIE

Well, would you mind filling in the details for us?

SHARNA

I – yes. So I’m a hero in training. Informally. A self-taught hero in training. I’m training myself! I know a lot of people get started sidekicking, but I don’t know any heroes. Or how to meet them. Some people have chance encounters, but I’m a take-control-of-your-destiny kind of girl, and I could’ve tried to get one’s attention, but most of ways people go about that are pretty stupid.

[Cole half-successfully turns a laugh into a cough]

[said, as requested by the backer, “with a healthy amount of disdain, disgust, or annoyance"]

Oh my god, this one guy I know, Kiran, started selling knock-off Ratman merch online just to get his attention… And it worked! If you count a cease and desist from Ratman’s lawyers. Anyway.

So since I don’t have that kind of support – someone should come up with a way to learn heroism more safely, I mean, there are classes, but they fill up so fast – anyway, I figured the best way to learn was to watch established heroes. So I spent a lot of time watching Ratman – like, a lot of time, I didn’t rush into this! I looked up videos, I drove downtown when I saw reports of bank robberies and stuff to see if I could catch the fights! And he had this grappling hook. I saw him scale so many buildings with it. He even scaled the side of my apartment building once by hooking it to the fire escape. And I was like, hey, that’s handy! But it only works if you have something like a railing for it to catch on! What about buildings without external fire escapes? And I realized, what you need is a smaller hook that can snag in smaller crevices!

[Beat. Sharna waits for oohs and ahhs that are not coming.]

That’s smart! Right?

COLE

I mean… at the risk of stating the obvious, it clearly didn’t work out great for you.

SHARNA

That’s the fishing company’s fault! My technique was fine; I spent plenty of time observing Ratman’s form before I tried it. And I made sure to get the strongest hook and line available!

BONNIE

The strongest hook and line available for… catching fish, correct?

HARPER

Are you part fish, perhaps? Can you transform into a fish?

SHARNA

… no. I can turn fishes into flies. It’s not a very useful power for superheroism, that’s why I thought I’d go for gadgets…

COLE

Did the line or the hook advertise any alternate use as a grappling hook?

SHARNA

No. But the guy at the store said the line could support 50,000 psi of tensile strength! That’s a lot! And the hook was the same shape as a grappling hook! I can’t be the first person to try this.

BONNIE

I really think you might be.

HARPER

What are you looking for out of this lawsuit? I’m guessing you want medical bills covered!

SHARNA

I’m not doing this for money! I’m a hero! I just want to protect other people from getting hurt like me! But I guess if you did get me some money that would be fine.

HARPER

Can you tell us what you want other than money? Specifically?

SHARNA

Warning labels! There should be warning labels! “Does not support human weight” in big letters!

HARPER

Warning labels to… prevent other people from using fishing equipment as grappling hooks.

SHARNA

Yes!

HARPER

Okay! Noted.

BONNIE

Ms. Fly Fisher, we’ll discuss this and see what arguments we can come up with. Expect to hear from us about whether we’ll be taking your case in a couple weeks.

SHARNA

Okay. Thanks.

[Footsteps and door opening and closing as the gang exits the hospital room]

BONNIE

That 50,000 psi thing could be something?

COLE

Um… ok, Toogle says the average cross-section of a fishing line is 0.001 square inches, so that’d put its max capacity at around 50 pounds.

[beat]

What? I dated a civil engineer once, okay?

BONNIE

[surprised and definitely not jealous]

You did? You’ve never mentioned…

COLE

Oh, well, it was way before I met you.

BONNIE

[audibly relieved]

Oh!

COLE

Yeah, and he was pretty boring, so not really many stories worth telling…

BONNIE

No, no, I totally get it. I was just –

[Harper clears their throat]

Sorry, um, where were we?

HARPER

There’s no indication at the moment that the equipment didn’t hit the specs they advertised.

BONNIE

Right, yeah, yeah. Well, if that’s the case, I don’t see there being much of an argument here.

HARPER

I don’t know. Ms. Fly Fisher obviously wasn’t being, um… smart. But surely there’s something we can do! A deeper dive into the equipment’s specs, a record of any past improvised uses…

COLE

Aww. Bonnie, look. Our little baby intern, all grown up and talking like a real lawyer.

[Bonnie chuckles, Harper makes embarrassed noises]

BONNIE

Oh, come on. They’ve always talked like a real lawyer.

COLE

But now they’re on the verge of actually being one! I’m so proud. Don’t act like you aren’t too!

BONNIE

[warmly]

No, I am.

HARPER

Guys, come on! I haven’t even taken the bar yet! What if you jinx me?

BONNIE

I think it would be very difficult to jinx someone with your skill.

[getting an idea]

Actually, you know what? Harper, why don’t you take this one on your own?

HARPER

What?

BONNIE

I mean, obviously I understand if you don’t have time with the bar coming up. But you will be taking cases by yourself soon. This way you get to lead while you still have us to consult.

COLE

And to take the blame if anything goes wrong. It’d be like bowling with gutter guards.

HARPER

I mean… yeah! Of course! I’d love to! If you’re sure. And if you think that Mal won’t be mad.

COLE

Oh, I’m pretty sure I know what Mal’s gonna say.

[smash cut to Mal’s office]

MAL

Hm. Hourly, correct?

BONNIE and COLE

Yep.

MAL

Carry on.

Scene 2

Setting: Smith et. al offices.

LOIS

What was the principle established by Marbury v. Madison?

HARPER

Judicial review. Courts have the power to strike down laws that violate the Constitution.

LOIS

Correct. And what was the principle established in New York v. Hog Bear Man?

HARPER

Body parts, such as claws, tails, horns, and teeth, do not count as deadly weapons unless they can be removed and reattached at will.

LOIS

Correct.

[bleeping noise]

It is now 1 PM. You requested I remind you to return to casework after your lunch hour is over. For the record, you know Mal will give you time off to study, right?

HARPER

No, no, I have enough time! Besides, Bonnie and Cole said I could take the lead on this case. I can’t let them down. I can handle it all! I’ve worked for this, I’m ready for this!

LOIS

[doubt]

If you insist.

HARPER

I do. So, for the Fly Fisher case, I want to look into whether the equipment performed to its specifications. The line likely did, according to Cole, but what about the hook? Can you look up the Bait n’ See’s line of treble fishhooks, LOIS?

LOIS

Anything specific?

HARPER

Their advertised performance.

LOIS

Hm. Well, there’s no maximum weight, but they are supposed to be quite sturdy. In fact, the specific hook that Sharna Jo Frank purchased is often used for catching mutated superfish. An ad campaign 4 months ago focused on their hooks’ role in capturing the notorious part-shark bank robber Prince Hammerhead after he escaped into the sea.

HARPER

Oh, wow! I remember seeing that on the news. He was at least Fly Fisher’s size and weight!

LOIS

Yes, although the hook was attached to him, not a building.

HARPER

The off-label use is still an issue, yes. But we could argue that the advertisement implied that it could support her. That’s if we can prove that it was the fishhook that failed, of course – if they can argue that the line snapped, we’re dead in the water.

[beat]

Heh. Dead in the water. Like a fish, get it?

LOIS

Mx. Hallo.

HARPER

Right, right. Okay, I should follow up with Sharna and see if she kept the equipment. I’ll go get Bonnie and Cole and we can go back to the hosp –

[beat]

Wait. Should I get Bonnie and Cole? I mean, they said I should take a lead on this one. Does that mean I shouldn’t go get them?

LOIS

I believe that means you can do whatever you want.

HARPER

Right.

[Harper starts moving, then stops again]

What do I want?

LOIS

Are you… asking me?

HARPER

No, no, of course not. It’s just… well. I shouldn’t take up more of their time than I need to, right? That would be rude of me. And I really do want build some independent experience.

LOIS

Then go on your own.

HARPER

Right.

[Harper starts moving, then stops again]

But what – (if)

LOIS

Mx. Hallo, you are overthinking this. If you believe that you can handle this on your own, go on your own. If not, get Bonnie and Cole.

HARPER

Of course I can handle this on my own!

LOIS

Well then I believe you have your answer.

HARPER

R-right. Right, yeah, of course I do. I’ve helped with so many cases before, I’ve watched Bonnie and Cole do this a million times. I can do this!

[chattering affirmations to themself, Harper opens and closes the door, leaving the office. Beat.]

LOIS

I’m sure that’s going to go fine.

Scene 3

Setting: The streets of Megalopolis.

HARPER

[continuing from before]

I’ll be a real lawyer in two weeks! Well, I’ll take the test to be a real lawyer in two weeks. But, soon! And I’ve done client interviews before, this is just another one of those. I can –

CHERUB

[from a distance]

What ho, citizen!

HARPER

Hazel?

[sound effects as Hazel/Cherub flies down and lands next to Harper]

HAZEL

Hello, hello! Fancy meeting you here!

HARPER

Hazel, what are you doing… y’know, down here? With me? You have work to do!

HAZEL

Eh, mom’s patrolling too, she’ll call if anything major happens. Besides, I’m investigating!

HARPER

Investigating?

HAZEL

Yes! The mystery of why you are outside during working hours.

HARPER

Okay, if you’re implying that I’m playing hooky or something –

HAZEL

Oh, of course not. Like Harper Hallo would ever try to get out of work. That’s why I’m so curious why I’m seeing you! What could a lawyer want with fresh air?

HARPER

I just have a client in the hospital I need to talk to. And before you ask, it’s privileged, Hazel.

HAZEL

Come on, give me a hint! Why are they in the hospital?

HARPER

Fine. She’s a new hero – or a hero in training, I guess – who pulled something stupid.

HAZEL

Ha, we’ve all been there. Ooh! You should let me come see her with you!

HARPER

What?

HAZEL

Yeah! I bet she’ll be super excited to see another superhero wannabe! It might help for her to talk to me! I have a bunch of on the job experience, after all. I bet she could get a lot out of it!

HARPER

Well, she definitely could use the pointers… but no, this is my job.

HAZEL

But Harper, patrolling is boring! Mom’ll let me go if I tell her I’m helping you with something!

HARPER

I am not going to use my client to get you out of your work.

HAZEL

Harper! Please?

HARPER

No.

HAZEL

Pleeeease?

HARPER

No!

HAZEL

Please, please, please, please, please –

[Hazel’s stream of “please”s cuts off abruptly. Smash cut to the hospital.]

HARPER

[so fucking tired]

Ms. Frank, I’ve come to ask you a few more questions. And since they were in the area, I’ve brought with me someone you might like to meet.

CHERUB

Hello!

SHARNA

Oh my god! Mx. Hallo, you know Cherub?!

HARPER

Yeah, we’ve met.

CHERUB

Harper is an important ally in our fight for justice! You’re lucky to have them representing you!

SHARNA

Oh, I know! They’ve been great so far!

HARPER

I’m glad to hear you think so. Now, if you could – (just)

SHARNA

Cherub, you’re a legend! I saw you in the battle against the evil alternate universe Guardians last week, you were incredible! How do you do it? You seem to know what you’re doing. I bet all your grappling hooks work.

CHERUB

Well, I can fly, so I don’t use grappling hooks.

HARPER

Speaking of grappling hooks – Ms. Frank, do you know which part of your equipment it was that broke? The line or the hook? If either.

SHARNA

Um, I think the line stayed intact. The hook came out of the crevice I shot it into, and it was bent.

CHERUB

Sorry, what happened?

SHARNA

I made a miniaturized grappling hook out of some fishing equipment so I could hook onto surfaces that didn’t have obvious anchor points! But it didn’t work.

CHERUB

Oh, that’s a shame. But that’s exactly the kind of innovative thinking that the superhero community needs!

HARPER

Ha – Cherub…

CHERUB

I mean, clearly you need to refine the idea a bit. I, uh, assume this incident got you in the cast?

SHARNA

Yeah.

CHERUB

Maybe next time try testing it on, like, a big watermelon. Instead of yourself. But I think the concept has promise! Everybody messes up their first time out! You grow past it. Soon you’ll be beating up the bad guys just like me.

SHARNA

Wow. That means so much to me, you have no idea!

CHERUB

I’m glad! Because guess what? You and me, we’re the future of superheroism. Soon the older generation will be gone, we’re gonna be all that’s standing between the world and total destruction. So we’re going to need to be prepared to face all those challenges. Will you be?

SHARNA

Yes!

HARPER

Um, sorry, hate to interrupt. Do you happen to still have the broken fishhook?

SHARNA

Oh, yeah! It’s in my backpack on the chair there. I had my mom find it after I fell.

HARPER

Great! Um, Cherub, if you have this covered, I’m going to step out and make a call?

CHERUB

Of course!

[Hazel voice, whispering to Harper]

Don’t worry, I’ll get this kid her groove back in no time.

HARPER

[whispering to Hazel]

I don’t think groove was really her problem, but thanks.

[Door opens and shuts, Harper steps into the hall. Harper calls Bonnie and we hear her pick up.]

BONNIE

[through phone]

Hello? Harper? You’re on speaker, Cole’s here.

HARPER

I was just hoping to check in with you about the case? I’m at the hospital.

COLE

Ooh, taking initiative! Good for you!

HARPER

[a little flustered]

Thank you!

[switch to professional mode]

Um, so, I worked with LOIS to determine what performance Bait n’ See advertised for their equipment, and there wasn’t really anything on the hook. But we found advertisements that showcased their hooks being used to catch things heavier than Ms. Fly Fisher.

BONNIE

Okay. That’s only going to be applicable if the hook is the thing that broke.

HARPER

That’s what I visited the hospital to ask about. Ms. Fisher kept the hook, and it’s noticeably bent.

COLE

Did anything in those ads say that it could grab onto stuff that isn’t… fish?

HARPER

Um… no, not that I saw.

COLE

Look, kid, you might be able to make an argument, but I really think that off-label use is going to fuck you. The weight might not be the problem – the hook was made to grip fish-flesh, not brick.

BONNIE

That’s… a good point. Looking at ads was a good strategy. You could argue that if they implied that the hook would work on human weight, then someone would try to use it to catch a person. But Ms. Fly Fisher wasn’t using it to catch something; she was using it as a grappling hook.

HARPER

I… I guess that’s true.

BONNIE

You’ll have to argue that every aspect of this use of the equipment – the weight, the attachment method, the lack of the pole, the way that she jumped on it, everything – was foreseeable.

COLE

And who the fuck would foresee a fish grappling hook?

HARPER

[discouraged]

Okay. Okay, that makes sense.

[forced cheer]

I’m just gonna have to keep brainstorming! Thanks for the help! Sorry to bother you.

BONNIE

Harper –

[Harper hangs up. A beat passes, and they groan.]

Scene 4

Setting: Harper and Hazel’s apartment.

[door opens and closes, Hazel enters the apartment]

HAZEL

[cadence of I Love Lucy]

Harper, I’m home! Ooh, flashcards again? Want me to help you study?

HARPER

[as though just noticing the flashcards they’re holding]

What? Oh, right! Um, no thanks. I was sort of, um. On a break.

HAZEL

[immediately worried]

You’re Harper Hallo. You never take breaks.

[Hazel pulls out a chair to sit next to Harper. I’m picturing them sitting backwards like a teacher in a movie, so, like, that’s the vibe.]

What’s wrong?

HARPER

What? Nothing’s wrong!

HAZEL

You know, for a lawyer, you’re a really bad liar.

HARPER

[indignant]

Good lawyers don’t lie!

[sullen]

And I’m not a lawyer yet.

HAZEL

Ah. You’re worried about the bar?

HARPER

No!

[beat]

Yes. Well, kind of.

HAZEL

Come on, out with it.

HARPER

… what if I pass, Hazel?

HAZEL

Um. Gonna be honest, not the question I was expecting.

HARPER

I mean, obviously I want to pass. I want to be a lawyer more than anything. And I’ve worked so hard to get there. I’m still working hard, I’m studying like crazy! But… what if I’m not ready yet?

HAZEL

Of course you’re ready.

HARPER

I don’t feel like I am. I’ve helped with cases, but most of them were luck or guesswork. Bonnie and Cole trusted me with Fly Fisher’s case but they totally shut down my first idea. And they were right to! It wasn’t good! And now I’m stuck, and I’m thinking of all the mistakes I’ve made, like with that stupid kidnapping plan, and… I’m just realizing that I have no idea what I’m doing.

HAZEL

Harper, everyone feels that way.

HARPER

You don’t.

HAZEL

What? Of course I do!

HARPER

I heard what you said to Fly Fisher. “Soon the older generation will be gone, we’re gonna be all that’s standing between the world and total destruction.” You sounded so excited. So sure.

HAZEL

Yeah, sounded. I was giving a pep talk. You’re my twin! You’re supposed to know when I’m bullshitting! Being the only thing standing between the world and total destruction is terrifying!

HARPER

So… what, we’re both horribly unprepared for our jobs? That’s not better!

HAZEL

No, see, that’s the thing! Just because we feel unprepared doesn’t mean we are. If we don’t know what we’re doing, then we do it anyway! And eventually we learn without even realizing it!

HARPER

What makes you think that?

HAZEL

Well, I think of stuff I did when I was starting out. Like, on my first patrol, I got separated from my chaperone because I thought I saw a monster, but it was actually one of those inflatable guys outside a used car dealership. Now I can tell those apart from supervillains at a glance! So I must have grown, at least a little.

HARPER

… when I was first starting out, I almost cried once because I thought my boss wouldn't use my case notes. I thought that every bit of research I did would be relevant to every case I was on.

HAZEL

See? Now you know better.

HARPER

I guess you may have a point. But just because I’ve grown doesn’t mean I’m ready to be a full-fledged lawyer. What if I’m supposed to grow more?

HAZEL

Hm.

[beat]

HARPER

What are you doing?

HAZEL

I can see that I need backup on this, so I’m psychically calling mom. Give her a few seconds…

[Holly lands on the twins’ balcony]

HOLLY

Hello, kids!

HARPER / HAZEL

Hi, mom. / Hi, mom!

HOLLY

Harper, Hazel said you need me? What’s the matter, sweetheart?

HARPER

It’s nothing, mom. Hazel really didn’t have to call you.

HAZEL

Hold on, I’ll fill you in on the conversation so far.

[beat as Hazel does their psychic thing]

HOLLY

Oh, sweetie. Of course you have more growing to do.

HARPER

… so I’m right? I’m not ready to be a lawyer?

HOLLY

Well, in the sense that nobody is ever ready for anything, yes!

HARPER

What?

HOLLY

Harper, nobody is ever done growing.

HARPER

I know that. But surely there’s a minimum amount of growth that you’re supposed to have before you’re, like, a professional, right?

HOLLY

Well, yes! That’s why you have a bar exam.

HARPER

But –

HOLLY

Harper. The thing about constantly growing is you’re constantly going to be aware that you have more growing to do. The more you learn, the more you realize you don’t know. But that doesn’t mean you’re unprepared or unskilled. It’s a good thing – it means you want to keep improving. And for someone as curious and driven as you, that must be an exciting prospect.

HARPER

I… I guess I do like to learn.

HOLLY

Good. Because no matter how long you work, every day is going to be a new lesson. It’s like that for me, too. I feel lost all the time, and I learn new things all the time! Hazel, dear, do you remember the incident with Evil Me last week?

HAZEL

The healing powers thing?

HOLLY

Yes! Harper, I was fighting an evil alternate version of myself from the universe on a collision course with ours, but every time I hit her she bounced right back! Like she was healing! But I don’t have healing powers, so how could she? And your father said, well, have you ever tried to heal yourself? And goodness, I hadn’t! So I tried, and it turns out I’ve actually had healing powers this whole time! I just never noticed!

HARPER

[affectionate, amused]

Wow. That’s… really boneheaded, mom.

HOLLY

Isn’t it? Decades of superheroism, and I still make silly mistakes! I felt like a complete putz after that, but you wouldn’t say I wasn’t ready to do my job, would you?

HARPER

No, mom. Of course not.

HAZEL

Y’know, I once saw Ratman throw his grappling hook, miss the railing completely, and then jump off the roof he was on anyway. It was like he was so used to making it that he forgot to check!

[Harper and Holly laugh]

HOLLY

He’ll hate me telling you this, but a few months ago your father was sure he’d gotten a vision of villains planting a bomb in a pocket between dimensions, because he saw them against a shining white background. Turns out it was a normal warehouse with newly painted white walls!

[more laughter, but this time it’s interrupted by twin chips on Holly and Hazel’s communications devices]

Goodness. Seems downtown Megalopolis is merging with the alternate downtown Megalopolis. Are you alright, Harper? I can have Duperman cover my and Hazel’s shift if you need…

HARPER

[very genuine]

No, go save the world, mom. I feel much better. And you’ve actually given me a great idea for my current case.

HOLLY

I’m so glad I can help. Cherub, we should go. I love you, Harper! Call if you need anything!

HAZEL

Bye, sib!

HARPER

[full of affection]

Good luck, you two.

[Hazel and Holly fly away to save the day. Harper gives a satisfied sigh.]

Alright! Time to get to work.

Scene 5

Setting: Harper and Hazel’s apartment.

[phone rings as Harper calls someone; montage music]

MARK MENT

Hello?

HARPER

Hello, is this Mr. Ment?

Hello, am I speaking to Ratman?

Hi, is this Captain Cowboy?

Denom?

The Haste?

Golden Cockroach?

MARK MENT

Yes, it is. May I ask who’s calling?

HARPER

Sorry, yes. This is Harper Hallo speaking. You may remember me from your case at Schmidt, Smit, Smets, and De Smed?

DILLON

Harper, come on, you don’t have to be that formal with us. Of course we remember you.

[zipper sounds]

Denom says hi.

HARPER

Hi, Denom! Hope you two are enjoying your honeymoon!

DILLON

Oh, trust me, we are.

RATMAN

Is the city in danger?

HARPER

No, the city’s fine, I think. Well, except for the distortion downtown. But The Halo is handling it.

RATMAN

… how do you know that? Aren’t you a civilian?

HARPER

Um… if I’m a civilian, why’d you ask me if the city was in danger?

RATMAN

That’s usually the only reason people call me.

HARPER

Aw, Ratman.

THE HASTE

Hi, Harper! What can I help you with?

HARPER

Hi, Mr. The Haste! I’m doing some case research, and I’m looking to find any publicly known stories of superheroes misusing sporting equipment.

THE HASTE

Sporting equipment, huh? Well, I don’t use a ton of equipment at all, but I’ve had a few memorable incidents. Like the time I tried to use basketballs as projectiles.

HARPER

Um, could you expand on that?

THE HASTE

Well, in a fight, I’m not that strong, but if I build up enough speed then I can hit hard. So I thought, if a basketball was moving fast enough, that could probably hurt someone too!

HARPER

Huh.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Oh, Christ Almighty, have I got some stories for you. Now, me being a cowboy themed hero, and an Irishman, I know my way around a horse. And let me tell you, there is a lot you can do with a crop and a halter –

HARPER

I actually do need something from you, though, Ratman.

RATMAN

[disappointed and trying to hide it, still in a Batman voice]

Oh.

HARPER

Is that okay?

RATMAN

Yeah, no, it’s fine. It’s just that when you said the city wasn’t in danger I thought you might be calling just to, like. Chat. But it’s fine.

HARPER

Aw, Ratman!

GOLDEN COCKROACH

I don’t recall ever using any sporting equipment for superheroism purposes. Misdemeanor did rob a sports store though, once! Maybe that was for superhero purposes!

[with some distance, as he’s calling to Misdemeanor]

Misdemeanor! Come in here!

HARPER

[muttering to themself]

Oh, I don’t want to talk to Misdemeanor.

DILLON

Well, the biggest one is probably the lacrosse stick that we use to catch chickens.

HARPER

Is that… part of your superhero work?

DILLON

Sort of. Denom eats them.

[zipper noises]

Yes, I know you’re not happy about it, but they’re easier to get than brains –

[zipper noises]

We are MARRIED now, we have GOT to stop having this argument!

MARK MENT

Well, um, Duperman isn’t really much of an equipment-based hero. As I’m sure you know.

HARPER

Well, if you don’t have any stories about yours– your very good friend Duperman, maybe you can offer me some stories about other heroes that you’ve heard as a reporter?

MARK MENT

[excited]

Oh, I definitely have some anecdotes about Ratman…

RATMAN

I have never misused sporting equipment in my life. I am a professional, Mx. Hallo.

MARK MENT

When he was first starting out, he hadn’t worked out a system for buying tech covertly, in order to protect his secret identity. He did, however, have access to a lot of golf clubs.

HARPER

Oh, god.

THE HASTE

Anyway, the basketballs exploded when I threw them. Couldn’t take the pressure differential. So then I switched to using them as little bombs.

MOMENTUM

[from a distance over the phone]

Uncle Ba– oh, sorry, Uncle The Haste! Are you on the phone?

THE HASTE

Yeah, I’m talking to Harper!

MOMENTUM

[whooshing sound, then Momentum’s voice is much closer]

Harper??? Hey, Harper! Do you remember me?

HARPER

Of course, Momentum.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

And so then I lined it up with her ass, and –

HARPER

Mr. Captain Cowboy! I’m so sorry, but I meant misuse in superhero work. Not… sexually.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Oh! Yeah, that’s different.

HARPER

It’s also very important that these stories are public knowledge.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

I think that one is public knowledge, actually. There’s a video floating around somewhere. But–

GOLDEN COCKROACH

Misdemeanor, have you ever used sporting equipment for superhero purposes? Harper Hallo needs help on a case!

MISDEMEANOR

Ugh, I don’t want to talk to any stupid lawyers!

HARPER

That’s fine! I’ll just tell Mal that you don’t want to cooperate.

MISDEMEANOR

… what do you need to know.

THE HASTE

Momentum, do you remember any times we misused sports stuff? Other than the basketballs.

MOMENTUM

Uh, yeah, remember when I first got here from the future and you tried to make me run in normal running shoes?

THE HASTE

Right! Yeah, turns out if you run fast enough the soles of normal running shoes catch fire.

MOMENTUM

But that was fine! They made great bombs!

HARPER

So, did he use the golf clubs as a weapon or something?

MARK MENT

No, you know that collapsible ladder he has? He tried to make a ladder out of the golf clubs.

HARPER

What?

DILLON

Look, I’m doing the best I can. I got you brains for a wedding present!

[jeans noises]

What do you mean they weren’t fresh enough? I only stole the morgue’s freshest bodies!

HARPER

Can we please get back to sports equipment?

RATMAN

Obviously all my inventions are extensively tested before I put them to use.

HARPER

Right. Hey, could I please speak to Weasel? Maybe he could confirm what you’re telling me.

RATMAN

… I may have run some minor experiments with tennis racquet frames.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

One time I lost my lasso, and I took the lead rope for one of the horses and made a new one. Wasn’t near as sturdy, of course, but it did the job! Ooh, and have you ever tried to put a bit in a person’s mouth? I’ll tell you, they don’t like that! Outside a very specific set of circumstances.

HARPER

Again, no sexual misuses.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

I have used bits in both sexual and non-sexual situations.

HARPER

Okay, can I just get a list of all the sporting equipment you two have used as bombs?

THE HASTE

How much time have you got?

GOLDEN COCKROACH

Misdemeanor, I doubt Mx. Hallo can use that in court.

MISDEMEANOR

That’s not my problem!

HARPER

No, no, I might be able to. I mean, trying to stick a hockey stick up a goop monster’s butt is hardly traditional crime fighting, but…

GOLDEN COCKROACH

How did you even find the butt?

MISDEMEANOR

Honestly, I just took a guess.

RATMAN

Mx. Hallo, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that all of this is strictly confidential.

HARPER

Mr. Ratman, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I’ve already found three Mark Ment articles on the tennis racquet incident alone.

RATMAN

God fucking dammit.

HARPER

Well, thank you very much for all of your time. You’ve been a huge help.

MARK MENT

Of course!

THE HASTE

No problem.

[zipper noises]

CAPTAIN COWBOY

[In Irish accent] No hassle.

RATMAN

I just want you to know that it all seemed like a good idea at the time.

HARPER

Yes, Ratman, it always does.

Scene 6

Setting: Harper and Hazel’s apartment.

HARPER

… see, there’s a long history of superheroes, um… innovating with sporting equipment. Therefore, it is foreseeable that an up-and-coming hero might try to emulate that behavior.

BONNIE

[through a phone, a little sleepy]

Huh. That’s pretty compelling, Harper. I think you might have a case. Cole, any thoughts?

COLE

[through a phone, VERY sleepy]

Yeah, no, I agree. Kid’s still a dumbass, though.

BONNIE

Well, it seems like so are most superheroes.

HARPER

[like they’re saying something very wise]

Honestly, I don’t think it’s just superheroes. Everyone’s kind of a dumbass, and that’s okay.

COLE

Incisive. Well, Harper, great job, but if you ever call me after 11PM again I’ll kill you.

HARPER

Oh, sorry! I’ll let you get to sleep. See you tomorrow.

[The phone clicks off. As Harper hangs up, Hazel flies through the window into the apartment.]

Hazel! Hazel, oh my god, I found the perfect solution to my – hey, are you okay?

HAZEL

[exhausted]

I… yeah, I’m fine, I’m not hurt.

HARPER

[very worried]

But something happened. Hazel, what happened?

HAZEL

Um… mom lost her powers.

HARPER

What?!

HAZEL

She’s fine too, don’t worry. The doctors checked her over and everything other than her powers is working fine. They even think they might come back after a few months. But…

HARPER

But?

HAZEL

… she said since she’ll be indisposed for a while and my training is almost done… I might as well take over as The Halo.

HARPER

Oh.

[beat]

I mean, I know that’s not how you wanted it to happen, but…

HAZEL

It’s not how I wanted it to happen, and it’s not when I wanted it to happen! Harper, I’m not ready for this!

HARPER

Hey, hey, remember what we talked about earlier? Just because you don’t feel ready doesn’t mean you aren’t.

HAZEL

That was about you, not me!

HARPER

Well, doesn’t it apply to you too?

HAZEL

I… I don’t know. I don’t know, Harper. You had a planned date to take the bar. I thought I’d get to have that too, that I could start when mom and the Guardians thought I was ready. But now it’s only happened because mom messed up, and I didn’t watch her back well enough…

HARPER

[firm]

Hey, stop that. I know this wasn’t your fault. And even if circumstances moved things along, mom wouldn’t give you this responsibility if she didn’t trust you – if she wasn’t positive that you can do it.

HAZEL

… you think so?

HARPER

I know so. I know you’re ready, Hazel.

HAZEL

[Hazel takes a deep breath, gathering themself]

Okay. Okay. Thank you, Harper.

HARPER

Come here.

[the twins hug]

I love you. You’re going to be amazing.

HAZEL

Yeah. You are, too.

Scene 7

Setting: Outside the bar exam room.

HARPER

Alright! Rule against perpetuities. No interest in land is good unless it must vest, if at all, not later than twenty-one years after some life in being at the creation of the interest.

[beat, they flip the card]

Yes! Now if I could just remember what that means…

GIDEON

Getting some last minute studying in, Hallo?

HARPER

Smurton! Of course you chose the same bar exam site as me.

GIDEON

Unfortunately, I only got the vision of you being here after I had already signed up. Believe me, I hardly wanted to see your horrible face today either.

HARPER

And yet, here you are, talking to me. Just couldn’t stay away?

GIDEON

Well, I saw you frantically flipping through flashcards and simply had to comment. I’m disappointed that you don’t have more confidence.

HARPER

Oh? And why should you care about my confidence?

GIDEON

I’ll tell you why. Since we apparently couldn't settle our rivalry through who becomes valedictorian, we’d damn sure better settle it in the courtroom, so you had better be there.

HARPER

[genuine, full of confidence]

Well, don’t worry about that. I will be.

GIDEON

Hmph. I’ll be seeing you on the other side.

HARPER

You know what, Smurton? I look forward to it.

Scene 8

Setting: Mal’s office.

[door opens]

MAL

Mx. Hallo, thank you very much for coming.

HARPER

Hello, Mr. Aria! And Mr.…

MAL

This would be Mr. Smythe. One of our senior partners.

HARPER

Oh! Um, hi, hello, Mr. Smythe!

MR. SMYTHE

Good morning, Mx. Hallo. It’s a pleasure to meet you.

MAL

Please take a seat, Mx. Hallo. First, I’d like you to know that Fly Fisher’s settlement was finalized. You did well. We would, in fact, have gotten more money from a contingency fee – but not by much, given the hours you put in.

HARPER

That’s great to hear!

MAL

Yes. Second, I would like to congratulate you on passing the bar exam.

HARPER

Thank you!

MAL

And third, relatedly, Mr. Smythe is here to give you your first case.

HARPER

Wha – personally? And already?

MR. SMYTHE

That’s right. The rest of the partners and I all think that you have a lot of potential.

HARPER

Wow. Thank you so much, sir. That means a lot to me, truly.

MR. SMYTHE

Well, I’m glad. For your first case, you’ll be representing Guardians Inc…

[dramatic pause]

In their suit against the hero known as The Halo.

HARPER

What?

NARRATOR

Egads! Harper has passed the bar and gotten their first case, but it’s against their beloved twin sibling! Will they have the courage to argue it, and the skill to win? Find out next time on another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis, here on Super Suits!