[00:00:00] Leah Clionsky: Welcome to the Educated Parent Podcast. I am your host, Dr. Leah Konski, and I'm so excited that you're here today because this is the second episode in our two-part series about hanging out with teens and getting our teens to hang out with us and how to connect with teenagers. So our first episode talked about how to get your teen to want to hang out with you, the fact that teens do want us to hang out with them and some strategies for taking them up on their invitations and also getting them to hang out with us in the first place.

[00:00:35] Leah Clionsky: Today we're going to be talking about what to actually do when you are giving your team that one-on-one attention. So if you go and hang out, what can you do to make that hangout? More successful, or even if you're just in the midst of a important conversation with your teenager, what can you do to make that conversation more successful?

[00:00:59] Leah Clionsky: You are listening to Educated Parent the Parenting Podcast, where I teach you realistic expert parenting hacks to solve your everyday parenting problems. So that you can reduce your stress, build your confidence as a parent, and raise thriving children. My name is Dr. Leah Konski and I'm a licensed clinical psychologist, owner of Thriving Child Center and PCIT Experts, child Psychology Practices.

[00:01:26] Leah Clionsky: A real life parent of two young children, I am the same as you. I am invested in being the best parent possible and raising thriving children. I also get overwhelmed. I make mistakes and I forget what works. I do have three unique parenting advantages that you may not have. A PhD in child clinical psychology, over 15 years of clinical experience working with families and a network of other experts that I can text for parenting advice whenever I'm lost.

[00:01:56] Leah Clionsky: I'm here to bring my expertise and my expert network to you so that we can solve your everyday parenting dilemmas together. I'm so glad you're here. So sometimes if we haven't been hanging out with teenagers all too often. We as parents can get a little bit anxious. We can feel unsure of what they want us to talk about, or maybe we've been getting some pushback.

[00:02:22] Leah Clionsky: Maybe things are a little bit tense in the relationship right now, and we feel sort of rejected. So as we're walking into hanging out with them. We can feel a little bit anxious, and that's pretty common to have happen. Even if we aren't feeling anxious, it may just be really important to us that our time with them goes well, and we actually should care about that.

[00:02:45] Leah Clionsky: Just like you should care that hanging out with your friends is a positive experience or if you have a partner hanging out with your partner is a positive experience. It's important to care about that. That's how we care about relationships. So it is important to care that the conversations and time that we spend with our teens and tweens is also a positive experience.

[00:03:06] Leah Clionsky: That doesn't mean that like your job is to make a Disney World or the most exciting thing that's ever happened, or if it doesn't go perfectly well, then it was a failed interaction. Like the goal of this is not to increase your anxiety. Hello. As parents with social media around us, we are already very anxious generally as a group.

[00:03:25] Leah Clionsky: But I think just having some awareness of this is important to me. That can be helpful. I would feel very cared about if someone spent time thinking about how to have a fun time with me, right? It just shows a level of respect and one thing that teenagers desperately crave from us, from parents and from adults is respect.

[00:03:46] Leah Clionsky: And part of what we're modeling to teenagers when we respect them is how to respect other people, including their peers. I'm including adults. When we are respectful, we show teenagers how to show up in the world, and our kids in teens and tweens do what we do. They often, even on on purpose, end up copying the way that we do things, which I always think is very, very interesting.

[00:04:14] Leah Clionsky: You know, that I have itty bitties, but sometimes I can just hear the things that are coming out of their mouths and I think, oh no, they got that from me. And some of it's. Positive. Like I've heard my daughter say some very empathic things to her brother, like, oh, you're really sad that your toy fell, and I understand why you're sad and I can help you.

[00:04:37] Leah Clionsky: And I'm like, oh, good. I did it. I did it right. I was empathic. She heard that. Also heard her say a couple things, and a fit of moment where I'm like, oh yeah, I need to maybe edit my language a little bit. Or maybe that came out differently than I meant it. And she heard it and that came out again. But our teens are the same.

[00:04:56] Leah Clionsky: Like we are showing them every day how to show up in the world. We are showing them how to have relationships by the way that we have relationships with other people, including them. So you wanna approach a hangout or a one-on-one interaction with your teenager with like some real respect, while also not making yourself feel self-conscious and overly anxious about it.

[00:05:20] Leah Clionsky: So last time we talked about how important it is for teens and tweens to spend time with us, how they all secretly crave it, as long as we have some kind of good relationship with them. Teens and tweens want connections with adults in their lives, and they tell us all in therapy that they want that, but they don't tell you.

[00:05:41] Leah Clionsky: And even if you ask them directly, they might be like, no, I don't really want that. And that's because the one thing teens and tweens cannot tolerate feeling ever is awkward. They're so worried about being awkward, so you're going to assume your teen or tween wants to hang out with you. When they ask you, when they talk to you and they ask for your attention, remember from that previous episode that the way that they ask you may not sound like an invitation.

[00:06:08] Leah Clionsky: It might sound like a rejection, but they are reaching out in their own unskilled way a lot of the time. And that it is our job to make sure those interactions happen whether your teen or tween asks for them or not. So if you didn't listen to the episode where we talked about having your teen or tween hang out with you and how to make that happen, go back and listen to that episode.

[00:06:31] Leah Clionsky: It's a good preview to this episode. But now let's get into it. Let's talk about what we can do in that interaction to create a higher likelihood that it will be a successful time and an enjoyable time for your teen and tween, and also for you. So remember, we're going to ask them directly to hang out.

[00:06:51] Leah Clionsky: So I have a little script that you can, you can change modify, but you can say something like, hi teen's name. I really like it when we hang out. I wanna spend more time with you, just the two of us. Here are some activities I was considering. I was thinking maybe we could go to Starbucks or also maybe we could go for a walk.

[00:07:12] Leah Clionsky: Which one should we do this weekend? So you're just being open. You're being clear about your intentions. I love you. I want to spend time with you. You're not hiding it. You're not trying to save your own ego. And that's a little bit hard because we're all human and nobody likes to be rejected. But we're just gonna put ourselves out there in an open and frank way because even if your Teener tween does not hang out with you after you say that, at least they know that you want to hang out with them.

[00:07:41] Leah Clionsky: And that is important. We want to pick easy and short activities that we know that our Teener tween would enjoy doing. That is also extremely important. So some suggestions I had were like going to Starbucks or looking at TikTok. That's interesting to them. Baking something, going anywhere is usually good.

[00:08:01] Leah Clionsky: So what do you do if you lay this out and your teen reacts badly? So remember, your teen, whose brain is not fully developed, might not think about the fact that you are a little bit anxious about asking them to do this. They also might not realize that what you're really asking them for is more of a relationship, and so they might just reject you without thinking it through.

[00:08:25] Leah Clionsky: Like, oh no, I'm too busy. I have plans with my friends, which, right, which is your fear. It will confirm That thought you already had that. Oh no. My teen, their tween doesn't actually want to hang out with me. They do actually want to hang out with you, but they might rather go to the birthday party than hang out with you.

[00:08:41] Leah Clionsky: I. Right. So it may be that your activity is not as interesting sounding. So it's not that they never wanna hang out with you, it's just that they don't wanna hang out with you on the timetable that you wanna hang out with them. So hear that for what it is. It's not a rejection of you as a person, it's just saying the timing doesn't work for me.

[00:08:59] Leah Clionsky: Or you might get, it's weird, we never do that. I don't want to. You might just be told straight up, like maybe they're mad at you. Maybe you told them they couldn't be on their phone literally 24 hours a day. So they're a little bit irritated and just might seem weird. So you might get that broad, that sus reaction that I got.

[00:09:17] Leah Clionsky: Right? So with this happens, if your teen reacts badly to your invitation, you are the adult, and so you are going to talk yourself down. You're gonna stay calm, you're gonna remind yourself that they're just a teenager and they don't know what you're asking for. Don't get defensive, so don't say something like, well, I don't wanna hang out with you either, or, well, if you ever get around to hanging out with me, I guess I'll make some time for you.

[00:09:42] Leah Clionsky: Right? You're gonna really try not to get defensive. You might insist like, Hey, this is actually really important to me. I. Or you might offer an easier alternative. Like let's go through the Starbucks, drive through and take it home. So you're offering a different option or, oh yeah, I forgot you had that birthday party on Saturday.

[00:10:02] Leah Clionsky: Let's move our hangout to Sunday. Right? Don't get so hurt. And then reject them as a reaction. Try to work around that and if they refuse, still be nice. Right, like don't let that refusal mean that you punish them back. You know, maybe you just bring them their favorite Starbucks drink anyway, if that's the example we're using, and no, you're not.

[00:10:24] Leah Clionsky: Then rewarding bad behavior. You're like, Hey, I still like you. You could bring it to them and say, yeah, you know, next time I really hope you come. It's always more fun if you're there, right? It's about, again, working on that relationship modeling, being kind to other people, and then you're gonna try this again.

[00:10:42] Leah Clionsky: In the future. So that's what you're gonna do if your teen reacts badly. But what are you going to do during the Hangout itself? So let's say they agree to hang out with you. They're like, sure, mom, let's go to Starbucks. And you're like, yes, they agreed. We can go hang out at Starbucks. Now, let me give you the strategies that are most important for making this hangout fun, number one.

[00:11:04] Leah Clionsky: You need to give your teenager your undivided attention. So if you are taking them to Starbucks for your hangout, you should not have a phone on like out while you're there. You put your phone away. Even if they have their phone out, you were going to put your phone away. You are not going to bring a sibling.

[00:11:26] Leah Clionsky: You're not gonna bring other things. You are gonna go with the intention of I am giving you my real time. That is so valuable. Now, your teen might take their own phone out and they might do this for a couple reasons. One reason is it might just be automatic, like they sit down, they bring out their phone.

[00:11:45] Leah Clionsky: I can find this tendency in myself, honestly, like the minute I don't have something I'm actively doing, my first reaction is to get my phone, which I don't love. It's not a great habit, but I think our teams are really stuck on that habit. Also, they might feel like a little awkward, like if you don't hang out one-on-one very often they might get a little nervous and so their comfort is going to be bringing out their phone.

[00:12:10] Leah Clionsky: But you don't need to like react to that. Like I wouldn't say something like, well, I don't have my phone. Why do you have your phone? Right. Like I, you're trying to have a good time here. You're trying to make them want to hang out with you again. And so I would just let that go. And what might happen is when they realize that your phone is not out too, they might put it away.

[00:12:32] Leah Clionsky: I. Because you'll just be sitting there hanging out, thinking about something and drinking your drink, and then they might realize that you're not on your phone. I don't know if you've ever had this situation happen. This happens actually to me with my husband, where we will plan to talk and then I'll be waiting for him to come over.

[00:12:51] Leah Clionsky: So I'll bring out my phone to look at something, and then he'll see that I'm on my phone. So then he'll bring out his phone. And then I'll look over to start the conversation. But he's on his phone. So I continue being on my phone. And then after like 10 minutes, we're both like, why aren't we talking?

[00:13:05] Leah Clionsky: Right? And it was just 'cause we were reacting to the other person's social cue of being on their phone and not being ready to talk. So no phone for you, no judging your teen if they put it out. But if they don't pull their phone out, that's even better. So that's step number one to make this hangout good.

[00:13:21] Leah Clionsky: Step number two, you are going to avoid. All uncomfortable subjects. So how bad will your teen feel if they agree to come hang out with you and they agree to be maybe a little bit uncomfortable and then. Suddenly they're being interrogated by you about things they do not want to talk about. Let's talk about how you got in trouble last week.

[00:13:46] Leah Clionsky: Let's talk about your grades. Let's talk about where you want to go to college or what you want to do with your life. That sounds like maybe a good topic, but most teens feel very, very, very overwhelmed by that topic. Let's talk about your girlfriend that I don't like, right? Like you are gonna keep the topics neutral.

[00:14:06] Leah Clionsky: You're gonna talk about stuff that they like talking about that they are interested in. I. So maybe you'll ask them some questions about music or like what are they listening to lately? What have they been watching lately? What are their friends doing? You know, the friends that they feel comfortable telling you about.

[00:14:23] Leah Clionsky: Maybe you'll tell them about something funny that happened to you that you think that they would relate to or. Usually family pets are a pretty good topic 'cause everyone can sort of talk about those. So you're gonna keep the conversation light. That doesn't mean it has to be flowing all that time. That doesn't mean there can't be silences, but you're just hanging out and you're not going to beat yourself up if you're not talking about something super deep and intense.

[00:14:48] Leah Clionsky: The goal is just shared connection in each other's company so that they, and you can spend some time together in a way that feels more positive. I. That's it. It's not a very high bar. You're just hanging out and you are not distracted and you are not doing something to antagonize them. During this conversation, they actually might try to antagonize you.

[00:15:14] Leah Clionsky: There is a possibility that they'll bring up a topic that they know you'll get worked up about to see if they can have like a fight with you. I'm not saying that will happen, but it could happen if that's the way you've been connecting lately, and if that happens, just don't take the bait. If they're like, oh, things are going really well with my boyfriend, who you don't like, you know, you're just like, oh, that's awesome, right?

[00:15:36] Leah Clionsky: Like, just don't jump into it unless they start sharing their feelings and they wanna talk about that part. But don't let them push your buttons and turn the interaction negative. You have a lot of control about how a conversation can go with them. You can talk about anything and we talk about TV, show you both like movies.

[00:15:53] Leah Clionsky: Whatever is interesting to them, you can let them take the lead. So the third thing that you are going to do is you are going to think of positive things to say. To your teen or tween while you're hanging out, maybe you're going to praise them. You're going to point out things you like and appreciate about them now and in general.

[00:16:17] Leah Clionsky: So you might say, Hey, I really like how you put that out outfit together. I know you were trying to figure out how it would go. That would be a nice thing to point out. Or you could joke with them, oh, you're really good at ordering a Frappuccino. I don't think I was nearly as good as that. As at your age.

[00:16:34] Leah Clionsky: You know, you can. Joke around a little bit, as long as you're being genuine or you can give them some more sincere praise, I want you to know I'm really proud of you. Here are some things I really respect about you. I. One thing I love is the way that you are always so kind to your friends. Give them that feedback.

[00:16:52] Leah Clionsky: It might feel strange if you haven't received a lot of praise yourself. If you weren't raised with parents who gave you a lot of that positive feedback. Or if you think, oh, they already know I'm proud of them. There is nobody. Who couldn't benefit from being told more that you are proud of them, especially teenagers who are just deeply insecure in general.

[00:17:14] Leah Clionsky: They're just walking around and they're noticing everything they do wrong, and they just feel like everyone else notices everything they do wrong and just hearing. That you are proud of them is important, even if they already know or maybe they don't know. So it's really good to mention that one of the things that is difficult in humans in general is communication that we often assume that other people know things that we don't say that thing directly.

[00:17:43] Leah Clionsky: And then we assume that we know what they're thinking too, and often we're wrong about that. So there's a lot of miscommunications where we don't say things clearly and we make assumptions about other people and they do the same. So if you are not sure, or you would really just like to reinforce that your kids know how much you love and care about them, say it even more.

[00:18:05] Leah Clionsky: I say to my little kids, I love you, and they say. Mom we know. And I'm like, great. I'm so glad that you know this so deeply that a borderline annoys you to hear it. That to me, is a good thing because I want you to never, ever doubt how much I care about you. And again, teens and tweens, they already have so much self-loathing that they often just really need to hear that again.

[00:18:30] Leah Clionsky: So in your best case scenario, they enthusiastically agree to spend time with you and you have a lot of fun together. Feels easy. You chat, you laugh, you catch up. They tell you they had fun with you. You maybe you hang out for longer than you meant to and you plan another hangout. So that's your best case scenario.

[00:18:48] Leah Clionsky: Let's imagine another scenario I. Let's say you go to Starbucks, I promise. Starbucks is not sponsoring educated parent. It's just a common place. Tweens and teens are willing to go. Then they order a venti frappuccino and you pay for it. Then they take out their phone right away. You sit there with them for 10 minutes and they don't say anything and they look at their phone.

[00:19:11] Leah Clionsky: You sit there with nothing to do and drink your coffee. You're probably gonna be a little uncomfortable. So what do you think? Is that a success? Or is that a failure? I would say that is a success. Let me tell you why. Number one, they agreed to spend time with you. They also know that you will make time for them.

[00:19:30] Leah Clionsky: Remember, it's not so much about the hangout, it's what you're signaling about your relationship with them. They know that you care about them and value their company. You and they had a neutral to positive interaction. You didn't fight, nothing horrible happened. Your interaction was fine. You're communicating, I am here and you are worth my time.

[00:19:50] Leah Clionsky: So even though they were on their phone and you weren't, you were showing that you were available and you were willing to give that time to them, even if they didn't use it in the way that maybe we think they should have. And someday, if you're sitting there and they're on their phone, they might point to their phone and say.

[00:20:08] Leah Clionsky: You see this girl, she didn't invite me to her birthday party, and then you will have something very important to talk about. It's the putting in that time, building that trust. I don't know. I might actually enjoy 10 minutes of sitting in Starbucks and drinking a coffee, even with someone who wasn't talking to me very often.

[00:20:26] Leah Clionsky: That could be relaxing. So this is really all about how you think about it and how we think about things is extremely important. So now hopefully you have some good strategies for why you should hang out with your teen and how to ask them to hang out with you, and then what to do on the hangout. And just to recap, the three things that you're going to do on the Hangout is first you will put your phone away and give them your undivided attention.

[00:20:54] Leah Clionsky: Second, you will keep the topics neutral, positive. You're not gonna bring up something upsetting. You're not gonna drop a bomb into your hangout. And number three, you are going to find some positive things to say to them. And I know you can do it, and I hope you do and you have a great time with them. I'm so excited that you're here joining me today on The Educated Parent Podcast, and I hope we can hang out soon.

[00:21:20] Leah Clionsky: Thanks again for spending time with me on Educated Parent, if this episode helped you feel more confident in handling those parenting curve balls. Hit follow. So you never miss an episode. Know a parent who's stuck in the endless cycle of conflicting advice. Send this their way because we all deserve parenting strategies we can actually trust.

[00:21:42] Leah Clionsky: And hey, if you have a minute, leave a review. I. Your support helps other parents find real expert backed solutions instead of just another opinion online. One last quick reminder. This podcast offers general advice, but every family is different. The advice offered in this podcast is not medical advice and is not appropriate for every family.

[00:22:03] Leah Clionsky: If you need personalized parenting support, connect with an experienced clinician at Thriving Child Center or PCIT experts. That's it for today. Thanks for. Listening and I'll talk to you next time.