Better small talk. Talk to  anyone, avoid awkwardness,  

generate deep conversations, and make real

friends. Written by Patrick  King. Narrated by Russell Newton.

Most people don’t barrel  into conversation headfirst.

Rather, they gently dip a  toe in and test the waters.

If you’ve never met someone before, you  naturally feel like you should first  

remain reserved so you can calibrate your  interactions, read your new acquaintance,  

and determine how familiar or relaxed you can be.

For instance, remember when you were  in elementary school and you found out  

you would have a substitute teacher the next day?

It was a scary moment for most,  unless you hated your normal teacher.

It was scary because you never knew how  strict or vicious the substitute would be,  

and you would have to be on your best behavior  for a few days until you figured them out.

Who knew if this substitute was the type to whip  out a ruler and smack you across your knuckles,  

or ferociously dress you down  for daring to step out of line?

The next morning, suppose the substitute  teacher walks in with impeccable posture  

and addresses everyone as “mister” and  “miss” even though you are eight years old.

That’s the tone they chose to set,  which is obviously not ideal for you.

But what if the substitute teacher  were to walk in with an untucked shirt  

and sandals and immediately address  the class as “buddies” and “dudes”?

I’m not saying one is superior to the other,  

but a tone is intentionally being  set by each of these teachers.

It shows you how they prefer to interact with  the students, and how they want to be treated.

In conversation and especially  when small talk commences,  

we are sending the same signals,  but we probably don’t realize it.

We are all sizing others up in a similar  way, and people are doing the same to you.

They look at how you carry yourself,  

which lets them know what kind  of interaction you might prefer.

So what kind of substitute teacher  do you appear to be to strangers,  

acquaintances, and even friends?

Knowing you are making an impression on everyone  

you meet, you should be cognizant of  setting the right tone with others.

What kind of signals are you sending?

For our purposes, we ideally want to  send a signal of comfort and familiarity.

It’s understandable that you may not feel  comfortable being the first to reach out,  

but it’s too often that this causes a game  of chicken where there is no movement at all.

We keep ourselves from small talk  success by talking like strangers,  

sending signals of discomfort and distance,  and simply acting as if we aren’t yet friends.

When you treat people like strangers,  strangers they will remain.

Setting the tone means making the mental leap to  “we’re friends now” and treating them as such.

Set the Tone.

At the risk of sounding redundant, at the most  basic level, this means to speak like friends  

and stop conversing with everyone like you’ve  just met them at a professional networking event.

How do friends speak, exactly?

I’ve got a useful personal  anecdote to share on how friends,  

familiar acquaintances, and those  who quickly make friends speak.

It was a couple of years ago, and you’ll  never guess who the other party was.

We had a short back and forth exchanging  the normal pleasantries and how-do-you-dos,  

and then we got right to business.

It wasn’t particularly what my conversation  partner said to me; it was the approach she had.

My conversation partner essentially had no  filter, and whatever came to her mind, she asked.

This was refreshing, as most day-to-day  banter can be uniform and vanilla,  

without a clear path to something  more substantive or interesting.

Some people like to shallowly jump from  topic to topic and not truly engage,  

and this was the opposite experience.

The lack of a filter means the conversation  will go places that are interesting,  

emotion-driven, and somewhat inappropriate.

(Of course, the best topics are  always somewhat inappropriate.

Very few topics are truly  inappropriate—you just have  

to speak about those topics  in an appropriate manner.).

Speaking to someone who wasn’t  beating around the bush for the  

sake of remaining appropriate was refreshing.

She wasn’t afraid of asking  the deep and tough questions,  

no matter how often she had to ask,  “But why?” to understand something.

Often, our conversation went down a  hole that others would have avoided.

She had to ask a few times before I  realized myself what I was saying.

There was no judgment, and it was apparent that  

her questions were motivated  by sheer, genuine curiosity.

It made me feel comfortable being vulnerable  and sharing my more private thoughts.

In essence, we had skipped past most phases of  small talk and sniffing each other out, and dove  

right into the deep end and spoke like people  who had known each other for a long, long time.

Surely this is the type of interaction  correlated with general well-being and  

happiness that was discussed  at the opening of this book.

You got me—the conversation partner was  

an eight-year-old I met at  an acquaintance’s barbecue.

For most of us, we have trouble with  conversation when we think about it too much.

We analyze in our heads, attempt to plan,  and unnecessarily filter what we have to say.

What comes out may be overly formal  or stilted through overthinking.

No matter how exciting or emotionally  engaging the thoughts swimming around  

our noodles may be, what makes it out  of our mouths can be downright dull.

We stick to the tried and proven safe topics.

We filter out the excitement and  intrigue because we don’t want  

to rile any feathers or because  we are self-conscious ourselves.

Children do not have this problem,  and that’s the tone they set.

As a result, we all act a certain way toward  inquisitive and social children, don’t we?

We follow their lead.

This is always the choice you have as well.

Just to be clear, the point is certainly not to  act like a child, nor even childlike necessarily.

It’s just to understand that we all send certain  signals when we interact with others, and children  

send very unique ones that typically open us  up and make interactions fun and entertaining.

Remember not to be so literal and serious;  

a playful, relaxed attitude like the one you  already have with your friends is just right.

Be less predictable and give  unexpected, unconventional answers.

If someone asks how you the traffic was, don’t  offer a merely descriptive, accurate answer.

Make something up, or say the opposite  of what you mean (sarcasm in a nutshell).

Play with language and use  colorful phrases and expressions.

Your car is your chariot, the sun is  as bright as Elton John’s sunglasses,  

and the orange is as sweet as a  truck full of synthetic sugar.

You can bring in some lightheartedness  simply by exaggerating a little,  

being absurd or going over the top in a way  that makes people sit up and take notice.

At a stressful doctor’s appointment, a  father may lighten the mood by looking  

at his pouting toddler with a deadpan expression  and saying, “Doctor, is it too late for adoption?”

You may find it effective to  deliberately misinterpret a  

situation in a completely absurd way.

If someone says that they love little kids,  well, you can fill in the blank there.

Pose hypothetical questions to  gently break people out of the  

regular humdrum of life, or do a silly role play.

You’re at the library and someone’s  pencil rolls off the desk and toward you.

You catch it and pretend to scold the pencil  but then look sadly at the other person.

“I’m really sorry, but I don’t think  your pencil likes you anymore…”

Sarcasm is another tool.

An acquaintance asks you how your day at the DMV  was and you smile broadly and exclaim, “Fantastic!

Have you been?

It’s just gorgeous this time of year  stuck inside that luxury hotel.”

Sometimes, deliberately drawing attention to the  

situation you’re both in can also  create a feeling of camaraderie.

When you “break the fourth wall” you  talk about exactly what’s going on,  

perhaps having a conversation about  the conversation you’re having.

Many difficult exchanges have actually been  

revived by someone having  the courage to say, “Wow.

So this is a little awkward, huh?".

If you for some unforeseeable reason happen  to spend twenty minutes discussing the merits  

of chest hair, this would be fair game  to point out as a self-referential dig.

How do you act like friends otherwise?

There is no pretense, there is assumed  familiarity, you say what’s on your mind,  

you show your emotions, and you ask  deeper questions borne out of curiosity.

The next time you spend time  with a group of friends,  

try to sit back and analyze the  interaction in front of you.

How are people relating to each other,  what kind of questions is everyone asking,  

and what are the signs that you are all  comfortable and familiar with each other?

Also pay close attention to  the topics being thrown around.

You will notice very quickly that they adhere to  the small talk stages from the previous chapter.

Some facts will be shared, such as stories  from people’s lives or funny events.

Then people will engage in  opinion sharing and exchange,  

and delve even more deeply into  how those opinions impact emotions.

Sometimes it is better to play it safe and  be cautious with how we present ourselves.

However, those instances do not  comprise the majority of our lives.

The biggest lesson from this section should be  that we are indeed capable of setting the tone,  

and most of us do it in a way  that is self-defeating—but we  

are capable of changing that  if we put in a little effort.

Make the First Move.

We’re ready to start chatting.

Of course, I’m talking about breaking the ice.

For most of us, this is what we imagine when  we are trying to create an initial impression.

To be frank, it’s not that we don’t  know what to say—just like with when  

we forget someone’s name, we know the  most direct path to getting what we want.

We should just ask.

And so the easiest and most  direct way of breaking the  

ice is to just say hello and introduce your name.

But this isn’t helpful for most of us because we  typically feel too uncomfortable to be so direct.

Thus arises the need for sly tactics to  accomplish what we want through indirect means.

Our discomfort happens for a multitude of reasons,  

summed up by the feeling that we are interrupting  people or otherwise inconveniencing them.

We have trouble breaking the ice with  strangers, even though it’s such a simple thing,  

because we create a “they’ll think” or  “what if” feedback loop in our brains.

What can I say to avoid being awkward?

What if I’m interrupting them?

Will they think I’m stupid?

What if they are busy?

What should I say?

What can I say?

For instance, if we chat up a stranger or barge  

into two people already having  a conversation, we are afraid -

•They’ll think I’m a weirdo.

•They’ll think I’m a creep.

•They’ll think I’m rude.

•They’ll be annoyed.

•What if they want to speak in private?

•What if they hate my face already?

It doesn’t matter that these  aren’t true—we think they are true,  

so they block us from easy solutions  to the problem of breaking the ice.

In the matter of making introductions, we need to  

find tactics to undercut the judgments  and assumptions we make of ourselves.

So how can you feel okay about breaking the ice?

By doing it indirectly.

In other words, having some sort of excuse  or justification to speak to someone—when we  

have come up with a reason, suddenly it’s easy  to interrupt people or walk up to a stranger.

For instance, suppose that you  are intensely shy and nervous.

You eschew most forms of social interaction.

But if you were utterly lost  and on the verge of exhaustion,  

would you have a problem walking up  to someone and asking for directions?

Doubtful, and not just because of necessity.

You’d feel that you have a  compelling reason to speak,  

and that would override your fear of judgment.

That’s the meaning of indirect in this context  - you have an actual reason to approach someone,  

and when we can create one for ourselves, we can  convince ourselves to take action more easily.

In other instances, you might refer to this as the  

feeling of plausible deniability—where  you have a plausible reason to walk up  

and start a conversation in a way that  no one can think you’re rude or weird.

Actually, if they think you’re rude or  weird, they’re the rude or weird ones.

Therefore, I want to present three  indirect methods of breaking the ice  

that help you feel safe because  you aren’t necessarily walking up  

to someone just for the sake  of starting a conversation.

The biggest part of the battle is making  breaking the ice feel acceptable—it’s an  

“I don’t feel confident or comfortable” issue  more than an “I don’t know what to say” issue.

Recall that asking for directions on the verge of  exhaustion makes all of those worries secondary.

The first, indirect method of breaking the  

ice is to ask people for objective  information or a subjective opinion.

These can be very legitimate  and important questions that  

would necessitate speaking to a stranger.

It doesn’t necessarily matter that the  person you are asking knows the answer;  

it’s just a way to begin a dialogue.

For that matter, it doesn’t even  matter that you don’t know the answer.

•Excuse me, do you know what  time the speeches begin?

•Do you know where the closest Starbucks is?

•What did you think of the Chief  Executive Officer’s speech?

•Do you like the food here?

The first two examples are inquiring  about objective information, while the  

latter two are asking for a subjective opinion.

The second, indirect method of  breaking the ice is to comment  

on something in the environment,  context, or specific situation.

It can be as simple as an observation.

Imagine you are thinking out loud  and prompting people to answer.

•Did you see that piece of art on the wall?

What a crazy concept.

•The lighting in here is beautiful.

I think it’s worth more than my house.

•This is an amazing DJ. All  the rock ballads of the ’80s.

Notice how these are all statements  and not direct questions.

You are inviting someone to comment on your  statement instead of asking them to engage.

If they don’t choose to engage, no harm no foul.

You are not putting any  pressure on them to respond,  

and you don’t necessarily  need to expect an answer.

The third and final indirect method of breaking  

the ice is to comment on a  commonality you both share.

For instance, why are you both  at your friend Jack’s apartment?

What business brings you both to this  networking conference in Tallahassee?

What stroke of misfortune brought  you to the DMV this morning?

•So who do you know here?

•So how do you know Jack?

•Has Jack told you about the  time he went skiing with his dog?

The idea with these commonalities  is that they are instant topics of  

conversation because there will  be a clear answer behind them.

These indirect icebreakers aren’t rocket  science, but their main value is to make  

you feel okay with engaging someone in  conversation, which is the real problem.

Eventually you may get to the point where  you feel comfortable just walking up to  

someone and shaking their hand, but in  the meantime, you can get started here.

Find Similarity.

Think back to the last time you met  someone new at a networking event or party.

What was the first topic out of your mouth?

It was probably one of the following -

•Where are you from?

•Who do you know here?

•How was your weekend?

•Where did you go to school?

•What do you do?

•Do you live far from here?

While these are normal small-talk questions,  

we ask them instinctively not because  they are great at breaking the ice.

In fact, as you well know, they are  usually terrible for breaking the  

ice and can make people feel immediately bored.

You may have had a negative physical  reaction at reading those prompts.

We actually ask these questions instinctively  because we are searching for commonalities.

We are searching for the “me too!” moment  that can spark a deeper discussion,  

and thus improve the first impression.

For instance, if we ask the question “Where  did you go to school?” we are hoping they  

attended the same university as us or a  university where we have mutual friends.

The next natural question  is a variation of “Oh wow!

What a small world.

Do you know James Taylor?

He also went there around your time.”

While you may not realize it, you  are always hunting for similarities,  

and similarities are another way of setting a tone  of friendship, familiarity, comfort, and openness.

It’s the type of feeling  you share with your friends,  

and the same feeling that can  instantly skyrocket your rapport.

As much as we would like to think  that we are open-minded and can  

get along with people from  every background and origin,  

the reality is that we usually get along  best with people who we think are like us.

In fact, we seek them out.

This trait is why places like Little  Italy, Chinatown, and Koreatown exist.

But I’m not just talking about race, skin  color, religion, or sexual orientation.

I’m talking about people who share our values,  

look at the world the same way we do, and  have the same take on things as we do.

As the saying goes, birds  of a feather flock together.

This is a common human tendency that  is rooted in how our species developed.

Walking out on the tundra or in a forest,  you would be conditioned to avoid that which  

is unfamiliar or foreign because there is a high  likelihood it would be interested in killing you.

Similarities make us relate better to other  

people because we think they’ll  understand us on a deeper level.

If we share at least one significant similarity,  then all sorts of positive traits follow,  

because we see them as our contemporary,  essentially an extension of ourselves.

When you think someone is on your level,  

you want to connect with them because they  will probably understand you better than most.

Suppose you were born in a  small village in South Africa.

The population of the village  ranges from 900 to 1000 people.

You now live in London and you are  attending a party at a friend’s home.

You meet someone that also happens to be  from that small village in South Africa,  

just eight years older so you  never encountered each other.

What warm feelings will you immediately  have toward this other person,  

and what assumptions will you make about them?

How interested will you be in connecting with them  and spending more time together in the future?

What inside jokes or specialized  points of reference can you discuss  

that you haven’t been able  to with anyone else, ever?

Hopefully that illustration drives home  

the value of similarity and how it  drives conversational connection.

So as mentioned, we typically use  small-talk questions to find similarity,  

but there are better, more effective ways  to discover commonalities with people.

For instance, we should always be searching for  similarities or creating opportunities for them.

They both take effort and initiative.

Let’s talk about searching for similarities first.

We can search for similarities by  asking probing questions of people  

and using their answers as the basis to  show connections, no matter how small.

Ask questions to figure out what people are  about, what they like, and how they think.

Then dig deep into yourself to  find small commonalities at first,  

such as favorite baseball  teams or alcoholic drinks.

Through those smaller commonalities,  you’ll be able to figure out what  

makes them tick and find deeper  similarities to instantly bond over.

Just as you’d be thrilled to meet someone  from that small South African town,  

you’d be ecstatic to meet someone who shared  a love of the same obscure hobby as you.

It doesn’t take months or years, and it doesn’t  

take a special circumstance like going  through military boot camp together.

It just requires you to look outside of  yourself and realize that people share  

common attitudes, experiences, and  emotions—you just have to find them.

Get comfortable asking questions and  digging deeper than you naturally would.

(Is it odd for you to ask five questions in a row?

It shouldn’t be.).

It might even feel a little invasive at first.

Find the shared experiences and use them.

For each topic, you can find some  part to relate to and connect on,  

instead of digging around a variety of  shallow topics like a job interview.

Don’t stop at the initial topic—if someone  says they love baseball, for instance,  

you could try to understand why that  is and what makes them such a fanatic  

for a game involving hitting a  ball with an oversized stick.

Suppose their love for baseball came from their  father, to whom they are particularly close—well,  

you have (or had) a father at some point,  also with a relationship (hopefully good).

That’s quite a powerful similarity.

Searching for similarities will  come more easily in most cases.

In addition to searching  out what is already there,  

we can create opportunities for similarities  in a few ways—first physically by mimicking  

people’s body language, voice tonality, rate  of speech, and overall manner of appearance.

This is known as mirroring,  and it has also been shown to  

produce feelings of positivity  when tested (Anderson, 1998).

All you have to do is arrange yourself  to resemble others in order to benefit  

from feelings of similarity, from how  they are posed to how they gesture.

You can mirror their words, their  tone of voice, and their mannerisms.

Keep in mind that mirroring is not just about  reflecting the person on a wholesale basis.

Instead, it is all about communicating to them  

that you share similar values and have  the potential to connect intimately.

You can mirror physical signals,  gestures, tics, and mannerisms.

For example, if you notice that someone uses a lot  of gestures when talking, you should do the same.

Similarly, if you notice that someone’s  body language involves a lot of leaning  

and crossing of arms, you  should follow their lead.

You can mirror their verbal expressions and  expressiveness—tone of voice, inflection,  

word choice, slang and vocabulary, emotional  intonation, and excitement and energy.

This has the overall effect of making people feel  more heard, feel more subconsciously comfortable  

and familiar with you, and fostering  feelings of closeness relatively quickly.

The second way to create opportunities for  similarities is to ensure that you share a  

healthy amount of personal information and divulge  details—probably more than what you are used to.

What did you do last month?

Statement one - You went skiing last month.

Statement two - You went skiing last month with  your two brothers and you almost broke your foot.

Thank goodness you have a  background in dance so you  

were able to keep yourself from serious injury.

Which of those stories is easier to  relate to and find a similarity with?

Obviously, the second version since there  is literally four times as much information.

If you are having trouble connecting with others,  

it’s likely you are expecting to find a  similarity without sharing anything yourself.

Let’s do another one.

How does your week look?

Statement one - This week seems pretty busy.

Statement two - Pretty busy, my mother-in-law  is coming into town so that should be “fun.".

I think I also need to find a cobbler and  an ice-cream cake for a party I’m going to.

If sharing even this amount of detail  feels uncomfortable and unnatural for you,  

it’s a sign you probably don’t give your  conversation partners much to work with,  

and you are essentially dropping the  conversational ball when it is hit back to you.

You may be the cause of awkward silence more  often than not, because others will expect a  

back and forth flow, but they end up doing  all the work while you wonder what’s wrong.

In other words, get used to  this feeling of discomfort  

because it’s something you need to improve upon.

Aside from searching for similarities  and creating opportunities for them,  

consider that mutual dislike  is a useful bonding agent.

Have you noticed that it is sometimes impossible  for the conversation to remain positive,  

and the conversation will veer into a set of  complaints about something you both dislike?

Simply put, mutual dislike creates a sense  

of excitement that can often be  more powerful than mutual like.

For instance, discovering that you  both went to the same restaurant,  

were served by the same  waiter, and both hated him.

It’s easy to discount these interactions  

because people think talking about  negativity is a negative thing.

However, it’s not negative to talk about  negativity because it’s an emotion like  

any other, and the more emotion you  can generate in your interaction,  

the greater an impression you will make.

What’s ultimately important is  seeing eye-to-eye in some fashion,  

preferably one that is about your opinions,  views, emotions, or choices/decisions.

They can be positive or negative—the  goal is just to converge on something.

Manufacture Connection.

Sometimes, despite all the groundwork you’ve put  into setting a friendly tone, making the first  

move, and even digging out some underrated  similarities, people won’t engage too much.

Some people just aren’t very forthcoming.

Conversing with them can be like  talking to walls for no apparent reason.

You can ask them something seemingly innocent,  

and they just dodge, demur,  or give you a one-word answer.

Whatever the case, conversation  has now come to a full stop.

Unfortunately, they have set the tone  to treat you as a stranger and hold you  

at arm’s length, which is something we  are making sure we don’t do ourselves.

The reasons for this can vary, but  most of them are not related to you.

Moreover, often we cannot control this.

But that’s okay, there are ways to move  past this type of engagement (if you are  

certain that they are actually  interested in engaging with you,  

versus stonewalling you in the  hopes that you leave them alone).

In a sense, this is you manufacturing a  connection out of nothing at all—at least,  

whatever your conversation/small  talk partner is giving you.

This is where the practice  of elicitation comes in.

It is a type of questioning that uses a specific  

conversational style to encourage  people to share and speak more.

It was originally developed by the Federal Bureau  

of Investigation (FBI) for  use during interrogations,  

but was quickly adopted by corporate spies to  obtain confidential information from competitors.

Its origins will probably give you pause,  

but all of these techniques can  be used for both good and evil.

The methods themselves are neutral and are a  result of taking a look into the human psyche.

To use elicitation, you make a statement that  

plays on the other person’s desire  to respond for a variety of reasons.

The other person will feel driven to respond,  even if they had no prior interest in engaging.

They will almost feel like they have no choice.

A direct question will not  always get an answer; thus,  

it becomes important to ask indirect questions  to encourage opening up and creating engagement.

Here is an example of how elicitation works.

You are trying to plan a surprise party for  someone, so you need to know his schedule,  

his friends’ contact information,  and his food and drink preferences.

Of course, you can’t ask him  for this information directly.

So how might you indirectly  obtain this information from him?

Ellen Naylor, in her 2016 book Win/Loss Analysis,  

wrote about a few elicitation  techniques to get people talking.

Recognition.

People thrive when you recognize  something good about them.

Mention “I love your sweater” and you will get a  story about how the wearer obtained the sweater.

Mention “You are very thorough” and  you will get a story about how the  

person went to military school and  learned to be thorough at all times.

They may have been tight-lipped before, but  any chance to enhance praise is welcome.

People have a natural desire to  feel recognized and appreciated,  

so give them an opening to show off a little.

You can also show appreciation  to someone and compliment them.

This is similar to recognition;  

people rarely turn down an opportunity  to explain their accomplishments.

Complaining.

We’ve covered this a bit in talking  about how people love mutual dislike.

People also love to complain,  

so it is easy to get someone to open up by  giving them something to commiserate with.

You complain first, and they  will jump at the opportunity.

If they don’t join in, they  might open up the other way  

by feeling compelled to defend  what you are complaining about.

Either way, you’ve opened them up.

You might tell someone at work, “I hate  these long hours without overtime pay,”  

and he will agree and go into more detail about  how he needs money from not being paid enough.

This may lead him to disclose  more about his home life and  

how many kids he has and marital  issues he has related to finances.

It may also lead him to defend the long hours.

Either way, you have more information now.

Key to this technique is creating a  safe environment for people to brag,  

complain, or show other raw emotion.

If you complain first, you  establish a judgment-free zone.

They don’t feel like they  will get in trouble with you.

You don’t have to complain to kickstart this;  

just express your own negative emotions,  vulnerabilities, or disappointments.

Correction.

People love to be right.

This is truly the backbone  of any Internet argument.

So if you say something wrong, they will  gladly jump at the chance to correct you.

If you give people an opportunity to flex  their ego, most will seize it happily.

An easy way to do this is to  state something you know to  

be obviously incorrect to see if they  will step in and break their silence.

See if they can resist this primal urge.

Naïveté.

To be clear, this does not mean to act stupid;  

it means to act like you’re  on the cusp of understanding.

Acting naïve makes people feel compelled to  teach, instruct, and show off their knowledge.

People just can’t resist enlightening  you, especially if you’re 95 percent of  

the way there and all people have to do  is figuratively finish your sentence.

“I understand most of this theory, but  there’s just this one thing I’m unclear on.

It could mean so many things…” People won’t  be able to stop themselves from jumping in.

In the spirit of elicitation, here  are a few indirect methods that  

I’ve discovered work quite well for me personally.

When you ask a question you  think may not be answered,  

act as if they answered it and  react to that hypothetical answer.

You - So I hear that project  didn’t go so well at work?

Bob - Yeah.

Not great.

You - Yeah, I heard things were going excellent  minus that little snafu at the end of the quarter.

But that’s no one’s fault.

That part of the project is super complex.

It’s crazy.

I can’t believe it even got the green light.

When you put all of this on the table,  it’s going to be nearly irresistible  

for them to step in and answer,  reply, correct, confirm, or deny.

That’s the important part—you are (1) asking  a question, (2) acting as if they answered  

the question, and (3) then seeing how they  react to your assumption of their answer.

Don’t wait for them to react to your question;  

just give them the opportunity to  react to your subsequent answer.

The premise here is that even if  they don’t want to talk to you,  

they’ll be forced to engage and  step in to intervene in some way.

You may not get the merriest of answers, but  the important thing is that you’ve gotten them  

to open their traps in the first place,  and that can be the hardest part of all.

There’s another variation on this method of  getting people to engage or otherwise speak up.

When you ask someone a question,  

assume they are going to answer a certain  way and keep elaborating on that sentiment.

Again, if you’re lucky, people will feel compelled  

to correct you and clarify what their  actual answer to the question is.

You - So how was the vacation?

I bet it was terrible with all  of those worms and alligators.

I hate the water and humidity so much.

Bobby - Well, actually….

Gotcha!

In the same vein, you can elicit people  to speak and open up more by talking  

about something you know is obviously  wrong and waiting for them to jump in.

You - That relationship seemed so  good because he has a nice car, right?

That’s all you need.

I guess when it’s a Corvette it’s enough.

Money is life.

Bobby - Well, actually….

These methods capitalize on people’s  instinct to set the record straight.

Even if they don’t want to talk about something,  

they don’t want the incorrect or negative  perception floating around about them.

If you were only getting one word out  of them, and you are able to eke two  

sentences out of them by using this tactic,  consider it a win to keep building on.

Remember that the tone of an exchange is  something you have 100 percent ability to set.

Many of us feel that conversations are a matter  of luck—you strike it lucky by finding a mutual  

topic of interest or similarity, and those  instances are necessary to create rapport.

Of course, if you believe this to be  the case, it will be the case for you.

Takeaways -

•What determines whether  you hit it off with someone?

It’s not circumstantial; rather,  

it’s a matter of you taking charge and  setting the tone to be friendly and open.

Most people treat others like strangers  and thus won’t become friends.

So change that script from the very beginning,  

put people at ease and let  them be comfortable around you.

•The first way to set the tone is  to speak like friends - topic-wise,  

tone-wise, and even privacy-wise.

People will go along with the tone you set  as long as you aren’t outright offensive.

A powerful aspect of this is showing emotion  as friends do, instead of filtering yourself  

and putting up a wall for the literal purpose  of keeping people insulated at a distance.

And stop being so darned literal and serious.

A conversation does not have to  be about sharing facts, and some  

comments can be used solely for the purpose  of seeing how the other person will react.

•Another aspect of setting  the right tone is to search  

for similarities and also allow  the opportunity to create them.

When people observe similarity,  

they instantly open up and embrace it  because it is a reflection of themselves.

There are only good assumptions and connotations,  so we should actively seek them out.

You can do this by digging  more deeply into people’s  

lives and asking questions to find  seemingly unrelated similarities,  

divulging more information yourself,  and also mirroring them physically.

Also, don’t discount the value  of mutual dislike—it’s not  

negative to talk about negative things, per se.

•Finally, even if you follow these steps,  

sometimes people either aren’t willing to  engage or not good at opening up themselves.

You can blast past this by using forms  of elicitation, in which you put forth  

a topic or question in a way that a person  will feel compelled to engage or elaborate.

These take the form of prompting the  person to reply to your recognition,  

encouraging mutual complaining,  

assisting your naiveté, and correcting  your incorrect assumption or information.

This has been Better Small Talk. Talk to anyone,  avoid awkwardness, generate deep conversations,

and make real friends.