E112 - How to ACTUALLY Release A Trauma Bond & Let Him Go in 2026

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[00:00:00] In this episode, you are going to finally understand how you can release a trauma bond so that you can actually let him go in 2026.

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Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.

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Well, welcome back to the podcast in Happy New Year. We are in 2026, and one of your intentions this year might be to finally release a trauma bond that you are aware that you're in, but can't seem to stop going back into this cycle. So maybe you understand that it's a trauma bond, yet you keep finding yourself at 2:00 AM like staring at your phone, replaying old text, wondering.

Why you still miss somebody that hurt you so badly. Maybe you are blocking and unblocking or [00:01:00] going back and then leaving and staying gone actually feels literally impossible.

This is so common when you're in a trauma bond to cognitively understand but not be able to shift out of the relationship. So I'm gonna walk you through in this episode the real reason that this is happening and how you can finally start to release this bond so that you can feel freedom in 2026.

Today you will really gain a relief from the shame of why do I keep going back? By understanding the biology behind the cycle, you're gonna have language to describe what is happening so that you can release some of the shame

and you're gonna have insight into letting go for good. And why this doesn't just involve willpower. Last episode, we talked about red flags and why we overlook red flags as part of the trauma bond cycle. So this is gonna go deeper into that topic.

And remember to stick around to the end of the episode where I will pull an Oracle card that will [00:02:00] offer you a message that can help you stay more conscious and aware in your healing this week. Okay? Take a deep breath and let's begin. ​

You likely know that you're in a trauma bond. You've read the posts, you've done the research, you have labeled the pattern. , maybe you've actually even left and then likely gone back.

Not because you want to, not because you're weak, but because something inside you actually literally panics when you're finally gone. I know that feeling and I know that it is so maddening to know in your head what is happening and to not be able to control the reflex to go back, to not be able to stay gone.

I think what hurts the most is feeling really out of control with your decisions like you are making decisions even though you know better. I had a client come to me and the first thing that she said in our free intro session was. I feel like I have [00:03:00] a PhD in trauma bonds.

I understand. I have done the research. I've gone through the rabbit holes. I know all the things there is to know, and I can't fucking stop going back to him. I can't stop believing when he comes back with the apologies and that things are gonna get better or that the hope is there. It is so, so frustrating, especially for women who I know, you know that you are intelligent , and likely are really kicking ass in other areas of your life, like owning businesses, running companies like you are handling shit.

So to feel like you can't figure this piece out I know is so, so frustrating.

And in an attempt to help yourself or to force yourself out of this bond, likely you have blocked him and then unblocked him. You have probably journaled and then affirmed and analyzed. You have talked yourself through the logic of, he's bad for me. I cannot go back this time. You feel really clear when you leave, [00:04:00] promising yourself that this is gonna be the final time, that this is different this time, and then.

You're hijacked a few days later when he doesn't reach out, the silence becomes unbearable and you start to like freaking spiral. You feel empty and frantic and untethered and the urge to reach out like overpowers your body. It almost feels like this life or death.

So you do, and you break that word that you gave to yourself, that you weren't gonna go back this time. Part of what I'm really gonna help you understand in this episode is that you didn't go back because you missed him.

You didn't go back because you weren't strong enough. You went back because your nervous system was in withdrawal. In your research around trauma bonds, you may be, you may understand the cycle, but I want to really, really hone in on this piece of the withdrawal because to me, this is the, this is the puzzle piece that makes sense, that then gives you the next step forward and [00:05:00] how you can help yourself through this withdrawal.

To better explain why the withdrawal is so intense and how we can help support you through this, this phase of the cycle. I want to give an overview of the four different experiences that we have when we're in the cycle. So we experience stress, we experience fear, we experience rejection. And then we experience relief, and that is the cycle.

I'm gonna go through each one of those to break down a little bit more about the biology and neurochemically. What's happening in your brain when you're in stress? When you're in a stress stressful environment, our body is sensing that there's unpredictability and it is releasing cortisol. Cortisol is helping to keep you alert and anxious.

Because if you're alert and anxious, then chances of something bad happening in terms of what your body thinks is less so you have cortisol pumping. You are hyper-focused on his behavior, on walking, on [00:06:00] eggshells, on trying to understand what's happening, on trying to make things better. Cortisol is pumping.

You're in the stress response. And then we move into fear. So fear, when we are feeling fear, your body is pumping adrenaline. Adrenaline goes on top of the cortisol because inevitably in these relationships, things are gonna escalate and you're gonna feel fear whether that is verbally, physically, emotionally, sexually, financially. There's a lot of ways that abuse can look in these relationships. So when adrenaline is pumping. Your body is saying, we gotta go into fight or flight. We are not safe. We need to prepare to get ourself out of this situation.

Your brain becomes laser focused on what they're gonna do next. So you are feeling the cortisol from the stress you're feeling the adrenaline from the fear, and then what happens is it will come to a head and there will be some sort of event that will cause a separation, [00:07:00] like a pulling away.

So this is the rejection that you're feeling when you don't hear from him. When he is giving you the cold shoulder, when he is ignoring you outright, your brain is, feeling ignored or criticized, and most importantly, that connection is threatened, right? That con, there's separation there,

and that separation feels really painful. Our brains register emotional pain the same way that it registers physical pain. So this separation is feeling excruciating. It is feeling so unbearable and you are wanting to do anything that you can to make it stop. If you don't have the right tools during this separation time, during this withdrawal, you will do anything to make it stop.

And because you've gone through this cycle. You know that in order to make it stop, you go back to him. He is the one who can make the pain stop because [00:08:00] the next experience is relief. And this is the hook. When he comes back with that affection and connection and attention or normalcy, your, your relief feels like.

A breath after being held underwater. Your system says, ah, safety, he saved me. He took away this pain, and this is where the trap is because he saved you from the pain that he created.

But your brain says, this relief feels like love. Keep moving towards this thing that is giving you the relief from the pain that you're feeling.

When you get that relief, you get a surge of dopamine and a surge of oxytocin. Oxytocin is the cuddle hormone. It is the connection hormone. It's what keeps you in connection, and the dopamine is what keeps you seeking the thing that feels good.

So it reminds you that this staying close to this person is necessary for your survival.

The [00:09:00] bond, the need for this person becomes about survival, not about love.

And these wires get crossed, right? Because you know, on one hand that this person is causing the pain, but they're also providing the relief. And if you don't have another form of, of ridding yourself of that pain during the rejection period, then you're gonna go back and after every cycle that you go back, what do you feel? You feel crushing shame and even isolation because it's like you can't even look your friends and your family in the eye anymore.

They have told you over and over again that you shouldn't be going back to this person yet you still are. So that shame and that isolation is really compounding

And I've spoken about this at length on other podcast episodes, but this, you're feeling this loss of self-trust, which is brutal. It is so brutal to feel like lost and out of control of your own being. It's like almost proof inside your, your parts, your internal space [00:10:00] of, look, you can't keep your word. We can't trust your decisions. We can't trust what you say you're gonna do, and that is so hard because if you can't trust yourself,

you're gonna seek that safety from somewhere else. So there's this feeling of, of hopelessness, of being out of control, of defeat. Also, what happens after you go back is this continued identity erosion. Like you can't even look at yourself in the mirror anymore because you're seeing this person who's saying that she's not gonna go back.

Who's saying that she knows this person is not good for her yet. You go back and that incongruency is really hard, so it feels like, like you can't survive without this relationship. You don't even know who you are anymore outside of this relationship.

Every time you go back, it's not just the pain of the painful cycle, which is painful, it is the quiet grief of betraying yourself over and over again.

If you identify with this cycle, and let's say that you've been in this cycle for a [00:11:00] year,

I want you to ask yourself this. What have I missed out on in the last year because I have been in this cycle.

What's happening with your work? What's happening with your energy, with your focus? What's happening with your confidence? What's happening with your friendships, with your family relationships? Have you avoided weddings or birthdays or get togethers because he's not invited or because you're embarrassed to bring him along

what does your you time look like? Do you even have you time anymore or have you gotten so used to sacrificing your time that you don't even know what books you like? You don't even know what shows you wanna watch. You don't even know what foods you like to cook.

You have lost these hobbies, these things that used to bring you a lot of joy.

And what is happening with your sense of calm and peace?

When is the last time that you actually felt calm or felt peaceful? [00:12:00] Once you've identified these things, I want you to, to ask yourself if nothing changes in six months. Where am I gonna be? How much more am I gonna lose?

I wanna remind you again of how powerful this cycle is, how powerful this trauma bond is. It's not a matter of you not understanding. If you understand more or understand better or keep researching, that doesn't mean that it's gonna stop just because you understand it better. Chaba bonds are not broken by insight.

They're broken by regulation. They're broken by inserting the tools that you need to get through that withdrawal period to get through the rejection period, so you're not going back to find the relief from that person. I know in my experience, I thought that if I were just stronger, then I could leave for good. But this is not about willpower. This is not about being strong. This is about a conditioned survival [00:13:00] response, so you need the proper community, the proper tools, and the proper internal safety in order to shift out of this neural pathway that has been so grooved In order to keep you safe,

you need the support that helps your body feel safe without him being the source of that safety.

And that is the key to getting through the withdrawal period so that you can actually release the trauma bond in my programs. I hold space for my clients as they are releasing these trauma bonds, creating a really safe space so that you can begin to regulate the nervous system.

Find safety in your body, find safety in a safe community and have a non-judgmental space where your experience can be mirror mirrored back to you to help reduce that shame and that judgment, and to give you that, that handholding that we need through such a painful part of this experience.

If you think [00:14:00] about people who are in addiction from drugs and alcohol. Aa, na, SA. These are all community based places of support because trying to stay sober and trying to go through withdrawal on your own is next to impossible. It is meant to be done in community. You are meant to be held in relationship while you are going through something really challenging and really painful.

So it's so possible to release a trauma bond. You just have to have the right support, the right safety, the right guidance, and the right nervous system regulation techniques so that you can make it through that part where you really wanna go back. You really wanna reach out, you really want things to get better.

I know you can do this because I have done this.

So if this episode felt like. It was describing your exact experience, and you are exhausted from leaving and returning and hating yourself.

I have a link in the show notes to book a free intro session where we [00:15:00] can talk about what coaching can look like, because you are not meant to do this by yourself.

What I can promise is to show up and be the support to help you walk through the most painful part, the separation and the withdrawal.

Think of me like a regulation guide, a safe space for you to do something. I know you are strong enough to do so when you are ready to stop repeating the cycle and to start creating that safety from inside. I'm here for you. The link for the free intro session is in the show notes. And before we end for today, I'm going to pull an Oracle card that will offer you a message that can help give you some insight into where you are right now.

The message that came out is Elevator to Your Deep Heart. So I'm going to find the message in the book and read to you what it says. Elevator to your deep heart invites you to take a slow ride down into the deepest part of your heart. The place where pure [00:16:00] love lies. Descending into that warm, accepting, all-encompassing heart space.

The place where you originated and where you'll always find love. This perspective shift is needed now, especially if you are feeling depleted, lonely, scared, or unloved. This card compels you to sink into that place of divine love that exists inside. To journey to the sacred space, close your eyes and imagine you are stepping into a beautifully adorned elevator.

With each breath that you exhale, feel yourself slowly descending deep inside to the center of your heart space. 10, 9, 8. When you reach your destination and the doors open, notice what your senses take in as you explore the sacred and safe space. When you are ready and have soaked up all that you need, step back into the elevator and slowly return to the present space.

Know that you can access this rich, pure, infinitely loving space anytime you need to. So good. So good. The internal well of safety and love is inside you. [00:17:00] It's just a matter of accessing it

so take that with you this week, and until I see you in the next episode, please, please, please remember that you are not alone.