Heather Shannon (00:00.174)

Hello my friends. We're here to talk about some sexual assumptions. So if misunderstandings about sex have become a source of distance instead of sex feeling close, this is gonna be relevant for you. If you're finding yourself kind of assuming things about your partner, about your relationship, about what's possible for your sex life instead of saying curious,

This is definitely for you. I'm to be breaking down some of the most common ways that couples are kind of just like speaking different languages when it comes to sex and misreading each other sexually so that you can kind of understand what's happening and you'll probably recognize yourself in at least one of these. So we're going to go over three different types of patterns.

where couples are just not on the same page. They're misreading each other, they're assuming. And the last one is gonna show why this is not just about communication, but why it's really about our perception. Perception's reality, like they say.

So last week we talked a little bit about the meaning that we make about desire. And we're gonna go a little bit deeper into the meaning, the assumptions, and how to stay curious. So the patterns are not about like, you don't love your partner or you don't care. It's really about being human and how we tend to fill in the blanks with our own fears.

Also disclaimer, I'm slightly under the weather today. So excuse the little bit of a froggy voice. Do my best. Okay. So the first story, this is about freezing in time based on a comment that was years ago. So we remember what people say early on in a relationship and that can shape

Heather Shannon (02:11.534)

Also, my kitten is jumping around the table. So if you hear noise, that's why.

Heather Shannon (02:23.864)

So what people say early on in a relationship tends to stick with us, right? So in this example, I'm going to talk about a hypothetical couple, Meredith and Lila, who are representative of some of the patterns that I see. So Meredith remembers Lila saying seven years ago when they were still dating before they were married that Lila was just not interested in any kind of anal sex or experimenting in that region. So it never got brought up again.

And Meredith has kind of generalized this to me in that Lila's just not open to exploring. She isn't that comfortable with kinks. And she's a little bit close minded about broadening their sexual horizons as a couple. So Lila actually feels differently now because they're married. There's more trust there. It feels different to her than when they were dating.

but she's not bringing it up either because it's not like a need for her. And Meredith seems kind of fine with the status quo. So I hear this a lot where one partner says something literally years ago and we kind of lock it in like our brain locks it in. And here's why part of it is because our brains love certainty, right?

Like we are these little humans hurtling through the sky on this planet in a solar system that's traveling like 10 or 11 million miles a day. And we don't have a lot of control. we really like to just lock things in and keep it certain, right? And at the smaller level that feels like it can sort of be in our control. Our brain just wants to make sense of things and kind of know where we stand. But unfortunately in this case,

you're taking this one comment from seven years ago and like building this whole story, you've created an identity for your partner that might not be accurate. Like what I see when I'm working with clients is often the identity someone has for their partner is not accurate. And I'm like, I'm seeing them with a fresh set of eyes, right? And so I'm like, I actually think your partner is pretty open-minded or like you kind of said like, they don't want to try anything too kinky or whatever. like, I think

Heather Shannon (04:47.544)

think they're more open than you realize. And this is often for people who have been together for like 10 plus years. So don't assume just because you've been together for a long time that you know everything about your partner and don't certainly don't go off of one comment, right? And this is not to like shame or judge anyone. This is to make you guys aware that's the tendency our brain has. And when we're more aware of our brain's tendency, we can make a conscious decision about it.

The takeaway here, the advice for Meredith and Lila is continue discussing things. Sex is not a one-time discussion. Sexual communication is not a one-time thing. I like to say things are a dance. It's alive. You're moving and you're changing and you're growing. That's why it's a dance. So you're not staying still. You can't decide something and have it just be set in stone forever.

Things can be revisited. People can change their mind. The dynamic, the patterns of the relationship will evolve, just like we evolve as individuals. So don't assume, stay open-minded, and just find, you might be pleasantly surprised. I actually think this is a pattern we're highly likely to be pleasantly surprised. So have the conversation, do a pulse check. Hey babe, where are we at now?

Where do you stand on these things? Let's be curious. Okay, so the next story, we're gonna call these people Frank and Julie. And Frank had wild sex with his ex. He was having a good old time. Now, granted, his ex-wife had pretty significant mental health issues, and the rest of the relationship was not stable, emotionally safe.

healthy, you know, there's probably some codependency in there, but the sex was great. So now, Frank is with Julie. Julie is a pretty balanced human. She's pretty stable. They have some similar interests, so they like to go paddle boarding together. They both are into playing board games, but their sex life has never been like wild and passionate in the same way that Frank experienced it with his ex.

Heather Shannon (07:15.098)

wife. And now Julie's in perimenopause. She's having some dryness, some vaginal atrophy, some pain with intercourse, and she's just kind of starting to look into it and figure out what she needs to do about that. But Frank is now in this position where sex just feels like it's work. Like

He's kind of not even sure what he can and can't do based on Julie's body and how she's feeling. He doesn't want to hurt her. But he then just feels like, is the door on our sex life just closed now? you know, how do we move forward? And what used to feel sort of like sexy, erogenous zones now just feels.

different. Like it doesn't it doesn't feel like that. It's not like, I touch her here and she gets excited and turned on. It's like, this can actually kind of backfire. So he just is starting to feel like. Our sex life should be easier like this. This just feels. Like too hard, you know, whereas Julie, she's kind of happy to work on their sex life. She's open minded about things that they could try. But but Frank isn't seeing it that way.

And so he's like missing out on the fact that he has this open-minded sexual woman who's willing to work on things, but he's not really trying because in his mind, it's a little bit of a lost cause and it just shouldn't be this hard. So they wind up staying stuck because of that. So I wanna call a few things to mind with this pattern with Frank and Julie. One of them is fixed mindset.

So there's a great book, it's just called Mindset by Carol Dweck, and it addresses this concept. And you know, my literal whole job is to help people create transformation. So I'm like, I don't have a fixed mindset. I obviously have a growth mindset. And when I read the book, I was like, my God, I'm like 50-50. Like half of me is stuck in a fixed mindset. Like how did this happen to me? I'm all about growth and transformation.

Heather Shannon (09:27.582)

So it can sneak up on us. one of the examples they gave in the book that I think is really good is the tortoise and the hare. And how when we listen to that fable growing up, you've got the hare, the rabbit, who's really speedy, but kind of gets distracted and is little cocky about it. And then you've got the tortoise, who's just slow and steady and inching its way along. And

most of us, the takeaway was like, so I want to be like the hair, just not an idiot about it, right? And so the fable in a way let us down because I don't know if we got the right message, but the idea is like, slow and steady does often win the race and we don't have to be great at something at the beginning. And that was the big takeaway for me was, you know, if sexual communication is hard, if the compatibility is not there 100%,

but you have two people who are willing to work on it and they have a similar vision for where they're trying to get, those are the two pieces that I see in my work with clients that work for people. So when you're both willing to put in the work and you have a shared vision, I think there's a high likelihood that you're gonna get to that goal. But if only one person is putting in the work, like we kind of are sharing in this example, Frank's not really trying, it's gonna be hard to get there, right?

At least with sex, you know, I think with communication, sometimes one person changing their side of things is enough to kind of help the other partner shift as well. So it depends, you know, on what the goal is. yes, so the fixed mindset is like, this is just how it is. You know, I'm either smart or not. I'm either good at baseball or I'm not. We either have a great sex life or we don't. And that's not true, right?

I'm sure a lot of you listening are like, yeah, I used to not be good at this. I mean, I used to be terrible at public speaking. Now I'm talking to thousands of people a month on this podcast about sex. Never imagined that for myself. So that can also help us. Like if we're feeling a little stuck in our sex life, find an area where you don't feel stuck and remind yourself of like what that process looks like and how you can.

Heather Shannon (11:48.618)

allow growth to happen and allow yourself to kind of not have all the answers right away. I think that's part of the fear is like, especially if you're used to being kind of good at things, like if you were a good student or a good athlete or very popular, you know, it's like if things came easy and then suddenly they don't, it's like, what, what is this? I don't know how to like start out not being good at something or start out with a problem, you know.

So anyways, believe in yourself, let yourselves be kind at the beginning of the problem and not have the solution and just like be the tortoise and just be in the process. It's like, what if we're gonna figure out a lot of things along the way? Because you will. There's another concept I wanna introduce called negative sentiment override. And I think this one also applies to the Frank and Julie example. So negative sentiment override is a concept from the Gottman Institute.

which is the world's foremost relationship research institute. They train probably half the couples in the United, couples counselors in the United States, including myself. And it's really cool to see across larger samples of relationships, like what patterns hold true and what don't. So one of the things is negative sentiment override. And that means kind of what it says is that even if something is positive or neutral, we're taking it in through a negative lens.

So if there's been a lot of bickering around sex, if there's been hurt feelings, if there's been feelings of rejection and frustration or guilt and pressure, we might just have a negative association so that when our partner tries to initiate or tries to connect, it might be like, that's all you care about. And it's like, no, your partner was actually trying to be really sweet and loving. But our mind is programmed to see it as negative.

So in the case of Frank and Julie, he could just be like, you know, we've tried, things have been painful. She feels uncomfortable. I'm not doing it right. And so he's got all these stories in his mind that are kind of clouding his judgment when Julie does try to connect or talk about something. So the reframe here, the takeaway is perception is reality, right? So in this case, Frank is creating what he fears. So by deciding like preemptively that

Heather Shannon (14:04.664)

we're just not going to have a great sex life. He's not being open minded. He's got a negative attitude. He's not responding well to Julie's attempts. He's not still seeing her as a sexual person. He's not exploring other ways they can be sexual that maybe work around some of her menopause symptoms. And so they stay stuck and they don't work on it and they don't make progress, right? So much of this comes down to our mindset.

Okay, so hopefully some of this is clicking and the next pattern is where a lot of people get stuck. So stay with me for this one. This one is Amy and Ryan. So you're assuming in this example that your partner's request means something about you. So let me break down their situation. So Amy and Ryan have been married for 13 years. They have one kid who's kind of a handful.

They are having sex regularly, probably like once a week, but it's just feeling kind of like routine. They kind of know what buttons to push in what order. They're having orgasms, but they're just not feeling as excited or as connected.

And back when they were dating, so many years ago, they did have a couple threesomes with one of Amy's friends. It was fun. But then they got married and they're kind of like, oh, we're like, you know, we're married now. We're going to be monogamous. And that's that. So. Now, 13 years together, Ryan brings up opening the marriage because he thinks back to these threesomes, he thinks how that was fun, they felt connected, they both had a good time. And he's like, what if we kind of like revisited?

some sort of group play or, you know, swinging with other couples. And Amy just thought like, wow, we've been monogamous for so long. I just kind of thought once we were married, like that was over. And so her initial gut reaction is like, my God, I not enough for him? Like, has he not been satisfied this whole time? Can I not meet his needs? And it feels like this threat to the stability

Heather Shannon (16:22.848)

of their marriage and then her brains like off to the races like, my God, he brought this up. That means like he really wants to do this and we're to have to do this or he's going to leave me. Right. And then Ryan is feeling like. Wow, like I love having sex with Amy and it would be fun to kind of mix it up a little bit. I would like to experience sex with other people with Amy. would be like a shared experience that I think could actually

make us feel more connected and strengthen our bond.

Heather Shannon (17:01.87)

Okay, edit that out. So nobody is wrong in this situation with Amy and Ryan. Amy is right that opening your marriage can shake things up, and Ryan is also right that it could bring them closer. So the key here is not assuming that we can read our partner's mind and not assuming, so like if we're Amy in this scenario, not assuming that your brain's

like initial primitive response is factually correct because keep in mind, I think I mentioned this in the last episode too, our brain's primary goal is trying to survive, right? And so it's like threat, alert, you know? And our social connections are part of that survival strategy too. We wanna feel a sense of belonging. We wanna feel like we're not just in it alone. So if Amy's life partner,

You know, if that feels at risk, her brain is going to be like alert, alert, right? And so it's going to be hard when she's in that mode to really talk through it clearly. So the first thing that needs to happen is for her to acknowledge that part of herself, the one that's trying to protect her by being like alert, alert, danger, danger in the relationship. And so and Ryan might need to just like hear her out.

with that too. So my suggestion is usually Amy would do kind of some of her own work, tune in with herself, see what this part is worried about. And then when she's able to kind of separate from this part a little bit and be more in her higher consciousness, more in the frontal lobe of her brain to have a conversation with Ryan. And for him to understand this is not the final word on this topic, this is just Amy.

sharing what initially came up for her. Because that's an important thing too. Sometimes we're afraid to say things because we don't want it to be interpreted as like, is the final word. And we also can then have our own alert danger reaction if our partner says something that they're feeling and then we worry, so you're just saying we can never explore this? And it's like, nope, that's not what's being said. What's being said is, this is a feeling that I need to acknowledge because it's coming up kind of strongly right now.

Heather Shannon (19:17.376)

more feelings might come up. So again, it's a dance, right? It's ongoing. More feelings might come up. Once we kind of address this one and it feels heard and it realizes, you know, maybe this isn't as big of a threat, then we can have a conversation. Okay, so the key here though is assuming, not assuming, and then also to realize another concept called the hedonic treadmill.

is relevant in this particular couple because they've been together quite a while, right? If they've been together 13 plus years and they've settled into a groove and it has kind of lost its excitement. And basically the hedonic treadmill means that when something is pleasurable, so whether it's food or sex or just a new relationship in general or even a hobby, it's like the beginning when it's new,

it feels like the most pleasurable, the most intense. It could even be like if you have an air freshener in your car or something like that, and you really notice it at first, you're like, it smells so great, you know? And then over time, you kind of stop noticing the air freshener in your car, or you enjoy the sex, but it's not quite as intense, or the 10th bite of the cake is not.

quite as amazing and pleasurable as the first bite of the cake. So that's the concept of the hedonic treadmill. And so we want to be aware of it because we want to be able to respond to it in a helpful way. So that would be important for them to acknowledge. Like, yeah, we still enjoy our sex life, but we know that there's a lot we haven't explored yet. And maybe they have a discussion about it. And Ryan realizes...

That's true, I just kind of need some novelty. I don't actually care if it's other people. I just remembered that as an example from the past, but I'm also open to trying new sex toys. I'm also open to trying sex in different locations or different positions or exploring different areas of power exchange. There's probably a lot they haven't explored since they haven't really been talking about it, right? So that novelty piece in a long-term relationship,

Heather Shannon (21:37.138)

is connected to higher satisfaction in long-term relationships. if you feel like you're relating to the Ryan and Amy example, it doesn't matter how you shake things up, but it is important to bring some novelty in, I think, because of that hedonic treadmill effect. So my hope for everybody listening is that you can...

have a deeper discussion that you can work through the emotions that come up in your sex life in a healthier way so that you can feel more hopeful, more connected, and actually really listen to your partner, not letting your own assumptions or projections get in the way because that's part of intimacy, right? Is really seeing the other person and understanding them without projecting our own shit, right?

So in all three patterns we talked about today, people were filling in the blanks with their own fears, right? So the more we can kind of be aware of, okay, my brain and my emotions are programmed for survival. Fear is very helpful from an evolutionary standpoint, not so much in my relationship. Okay, let's figure out how to manage that so that we can stay curious and stay intimate, right? So I think the curiosity is what connects us with the intimacy.

The assuming and having this false sense of certainty is what prevents us from continuing to get to know our partner. All right, so I hope that this was helpful. If this gave you language for something that you've been feeling, but maybe just didn't have the words to say it, go say it. I would be so excited. Let me know how it goes. That is the work that we're doing here on the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast.

Follow the show for more on emotional and identity layers of our sex and relationship life. Thank you everybody for listening and we'll catch you next week on another episode of Ask a Sex Therapist.