And as I started writing out my resentments, like all the inner dialogue I had around my dad, I realized, oh, my God, here's this whole treasure trove of limiting beliefs. And they were specifically the ones that I had had a hard time letting go of in personal growth. They were the ones like, there was something wrong with me, or I have to convince others that I'm right in order to earn their love, or I have to be successful in order to be approved and loved, and I need to be right and I needed to win arguments and all this stuff that required so energy to maintain in order to, I don't know, avoid the really painful feelings of personal insecurity. It was always everyone else's fault. And I built up this whole structure of kind of propping myself up to be love. Welcome to a Changed Mind. A journey into the topics that matter to you most. From the neuroscience and spirituality of mindset and personal growth, to groundbreaking strategies for health, wealth, and relationships, to open and honest conversations about pressing global issues such as the environment, censorship, corporate capture, and democracy. Each and every episode reminds us of the certainty of the goodness of the future and provides the teachings, tools, and timeless wisdom inspiring you to create real, lasting change in your life and in the world. If you've been desiring a sanctuary for your spirit, a place to go to tune out the distraction, negativity, and doom and gloom so that you can tap into the deep power, the vibrancy, and the potential you have inside, you're in the right place. Welcome to a Changed Mind. Hey, it's David. Welcome to a Changed mind. A sanctuary for your spirit. A place where each and every episode, I remind you of the certainty of the goodness of the future. I'm your friend, your host, your guide, David Bayer. So today we're going to be talking about forgiving dad. And it may sound like a pretty straightforward, not too sexy conversation, but this is perhaps the biggest breakthrough you can have in your personal growth. If you know you're being blocked by your limiting beliefs. You're wanting to have more joy in your life. You're wanting to create more powerfully in your life. I'm telling you, the next level of growth comes from forgiveness for dad. Now, you may say, dave, I don't need to forgive my dad. I grew up in a great family. My dad was an awesome guy. Here's the thing. Having had over 10,000 coaching conversations, every single person has resentment towards their parents. In this episode, we're talking about dad. And you don't need to have 10,000 coaching conversations to know that every human being has resentment towards their father, you just have to understand how human being functions, which is as children and we come into the world, we expect an unconditional love from our parents, but we're seeking unconditional love from people who have a lot of conditions, whether it's their job, whether it's their relationship that they have with mom, whether it's the fact that they're co parenting and they're a single parent. Health challenges that they're having, their own unprocessed trauma were born to conditional beings. And so in those conditions, we perceive neglect and we give meaning to that neglect or those gaps where we're not getting what it is that we want. And so that over time forms into a resentment. And I'm seeing more and more and more that forgiving your parents is absolutely essential to personal growth. And if you've been in personal growth for a while, this isn't your first rodeo and you have been struggling with certain limiting beliefs to let them go. You're aware of them, but you just keep thinking the same thoughts, you keep having the same experiences. I'm willing to bet the farm. I don't have a farm, but if I did, I'd bet the farm on on it. That related to those hard to let go limiting beliefs is a resentment that needs to be transformed into a forgiveness. And resentment is not just a concept. What I'm going to be sharing with you in terms of how your limiting beliefs get attached and corded to resentments is backed by psychology, it's backed by neuroscience. And this is really a little known secret in personal growth.

So I'm going to start with a story. And that was the third event that I ever did. So back in 2019, I had the biggest event that we had ever done for our seminar, the Powerful Living Experience Live. And I had asked my dad if he would come to the event. And my dad came. And the relationship I had with my dad was I always looked up to my dad. Highly intelligent, he was an attorney, successful at work. Whenever I had a challenge, I went to my dad. And I wanted my dad to be proud of me like I think a lot of us do. And so as I transitioned out of my old life in entrepreneurship as a building Internet based businesses and into this new life of helping people. And as the event grew, we had 350 people at our first event, 550 people at our second event, 800 people at this event that my dad came to. I really wanted to show my dad that I had become A success. I wanted him to be proud of me. And so my dad came to the event, and my dad is my dad. My dad was like, hey, I don't really want to work these processes with these people who are here to get some help. I don't really need any help. Can you just put me a chair in the back of the room? So we put my dad in a chair behind the back row. But what happening was more and more people kept pouring into the room. We had so many people at this event, way more than we expected, that we had to keep moving him back and back and back. So finally he's against the back wall, and he's enjoying and watching the event. And during lunchtime of day one, I was outside getting a little bit of sunshine, and my dad came out, and I had invented in my head that my dad was going to be like, wow, I'm blown away. This is amazing. Like, I'm so proud of you. This is just so incredible. And I just expected my dad to be, like, fawning all over what I had created. And my dad came out and probably said more than this, but this is what I heard. Some of this may be due to my own lens of feeling like I'm never good enough for my dad. In fact, I'm sure it has to do with that. But my dad came outside, I was sitting out back with one of my team members grounding myself in the grass. And he walked over and he's like, wow, this is really something, huh? And I don't know, I think some people might have taken that as a compliment. Maybe people who weren't seeking approval from their dad as much as I do. Although I think we're all seeking approval from our parents. But the way I experienced it was like, oh, that's it. Like, busted my ass. For three years, my wife and I have created all this. We're helping all these people. Nobody even knows who I am, but they're here to hear what I have to say. Like, all this inner dialogue, and, like, that's all you can say, is, like, this is really something. And so, you know, I remember thinking at that time, like, gosh, like, my dad's a real asshole. And once I got through the event and I had time to process it, I realized, oh, I'm the asshole. Like, my dad came all the way from Las Vegas to Orlando, Florida. It's not something he would ordinarily do. Maybe other dads would, but kind of getting my dad to get up and move and come see me required a conversation and he came out and acknowledged like that the event was really something, but it wasn't enough for me. And so after that, I realized I held resentments for my dad. I could have known it beforehand, but it was so clear and in front of my face that, like, I was bringing weapons to a battle with my dad. And the battle didn't even really exist. And I was putting so much time and energy into it. And about two or three years later, and I've shared about this in other episodes, I had, like, I don't know, my fifth midlife crisis, I had a breakdown. As our business was going through a pivot and as my wife was pregnant with Gabriel, our son, and I was having some continued incessant nagging, not serious, but nagging, health challenges, I had a breakdown. And after that breakdown, I realized I needed to get back into working my 12 step program. I wasn't drinking, I wasn't drugging, I wasn't sexing, But I felt like my life had really become unmanageable again. And the last time my life was unmanageable, back in 2009, 2010, I found peace and serenity in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous because I turned over those things that I couldn't control in my life to my higher power, God. And at this point in 2021, there was a lot of shit that I was trying to control that was not mine to control. So I went back and I started working the 12 steps. And I use that technology, which is an amazing technology that I wish was available to everybody. In fact, it's one of the motivations for us creating our whole human framework program is to give that type of technology to everyone. Because we're all addicted in some way, shape or form. We're all addicted to the mind, and we're addicted to worry, and we're addicted to overwhelm. And we're addicted not feeling like we're good enough. I went back and I worked the steps around my chronic addiction to worry. And as I got to the fourth step, where I started inventorying my resentments, which isn't really a thing that happens in personal growth. I've been to a lot of events. Maybe you've been to a bunch of events. There isn't an inventory of your resentments. There's a lot of focus around limiting beliefs and working through our limiting beliefs, like money's hard to make, or I'm not good enough, or there's not enough time, or other people are capable of great, great things, but I'm not capable of great things. But, like, resentments, I really got introduced to in a deep way through the 12 steps of alcoholics Anonymous. And so I was working a fourth step, which is the inventory of resentments. And I realized, oh, my God, I have a lot of resentments around my dad and my mom, but today's conversation is around my dad. And as I started writing out my resentments, like, all the inner dialogue I had around my dad, I realized, oh, my God, here's this whole treasure trove of. Of limiting beliefs, and they were specifically the ones that I had had a hard time letting go of in personal growth. They were the ones like, there was something wrong with me, or I have to convince others that I'm right in order to earn their love, or I have to be successful in order to be approved and loved, and I need to be right, and I needed to win arguments and all this stuff that required so much energy to maintain in order to, I don't know, avoid the really painful feelings of personal insecurity. It was always everyone else's fault. And I built up this whole structure of kind of propping myself up to be loved. And so as I'm working the fourth and fifth step in Alcoholics Anonymous, I really spent a lot of time looking at these beliefs and using a lot of the tools that I talk about on other episodes or that I share in my book to start working with them and really seeing that they weren't true. Like, none of these beliefs I had about myself in relationship to my resentment with my father were true. None of the beliefs that I had about my dad were true. One of the beliefs I had was that he should have loved me more or loved me differently or been there more for me. And, like, that's not true. I mean, my dad loved me as much as he was capable of. Someone might look at it from the outside in and see some gap or absence of love that he could have given me, but he gave me 100% of what he was capable of based on his emotional intelligence, based on how he was raised, based on his limiting beliefs. Every single person gives us exactly what they can give us, even when it's physical abuse or sexual abuse, that's a trauma that someone gave to them that they didn't know how to process, and in order to let go of some of the burden, they passed it on to you. I'm not saying that these are things that we approve of or that we wish for anybody that we love, but we get exactly 100% of what people can give us. And that's it. Like, no more, no less. And it just makes sense when you kind of step back and look at it. And my dad was not physically abusive. My dad was not sexually abusive. I wouldn't even say my dad was verbally abusive by the traditional sense. But I could see how there was a gap between what I wanted and needed as a child and what I got. Because what was true, again, was that my dad had a conditional love for me. And that's totally normal. Like, every single parent has a conditional love for their child. But I kept seeking this unconditional love, and I kept giving a meaning to the experience of not getting that unconditional love, that it must be me, it must be something wrong with me, and then building coping mechanisms to actually deal with that. So. And then as I got older, it formed into a resentment. So I really started to see this. And as I started to see what I would call the unintelligence of my resentment or my limiting beliefs around the resentment, I didn't even really have to, like, go find forgiveness. Like, forgiveness was just there. There was nothing to forgive. There was nothing to resent. So as I mentioned, Carol's pregnant. It's time for her to have the baby. We go into the hospital, and about six months before Carol gave birth to Gabriel. I don't know. On a whim, I saw this recommended book on Amazon about natural pregnancy. It was a book by a very famous midwife named Ida May. So I just picked up this book and I gave it to her. And Carol's not. Didn't used to be an avid reader, but she just kept chipping away at this book, and she's like, hey, did you know that back in the day, women used to, like, walk and dance and sing while they were giving birth? I was like, no, I didn't know that. And then a few days later, she'd say, did you know that there was some doctor in England in the 1800s that started laying women down, but that makes the labor more painful? I was like, no, I didn't know that.

And she's like, did you know that, like, 10 years after that is when they came up with these painkillers and the early forms of epidurals because the labor was so painful because they were laying down? I was like, no, I did not know that. And then she's like, do you know how much the pharmaceutical companies make off of epidurals? I was like, no, I did not know that. And so all of a sudden, we got on this, like, natural birth. Trip. And we presented this birth plan to the OB GYN that we had selected. Now, we had selected this OBGYN because it was the doctor who gave birth to Carol's best friend's children. No other reason than that. And he seemed like a nice guy, but as soon as we presented this birth plan, like, his whole attitude changed. And so Carol's water breaks, and we have to go into the hospital, and it's like a Wednesday. And he says, well, we need to induce labor. And Carol and I had decided that wasn't part of the birth. And we said, well, why do we have to induce labor? He said, well, because I'm going on vacation Friday. And we're like, well, the baby's kind of coming on its own schedule, not because you have a trip to Miami. And so this is where the friction started with the doctor. And the friction continued even though the doctor wasn't there this weekend with most of the staff at the hospital. What we didn't realize at that time was, like, the hospital had their birth plan and we had our birth plan. And those were two very different things. And so over the course of the weekend, I'm, like, doing all this research on Google because they're wanting to start using medication to induce Carol. And I read that they can actually do some other things to induce labor that are more natural. And so we suggest that to them. And they said, yes, well, we can do that. And so one of them was, like, manually catalyzing Carol's water to break because it hadn't fully broken when we went into the hospital. It was actually just a drop in her amniotic fluid. And then they said, well, listen, but in 24 hours, we have to induce Carol because she could get an infection as a result of us manually breaking her water. So, like, I'm getting on Google. I'm like, well, that's the old data from 1978. And the European studies are much different. They said, we can wait up to four or five days. Like, I'm a royal pain in the butt for this birth machine that is trying to take place at the hospital. But I'm taking responsibility for the experience that my wife is having and the experience that my unborn child is having. And so, long story short, she's in pre labor through the weekend. And the doctor comes in after his weekend in Miami, and he looks at Carol and he literally says, why is there still a baby in there? And I was like, well, because the baby has decided not to come yet, and Carol's body has decided not to give birth to the baby yet. And so he starts getting very dramatic and very alarmist, you know, but we broke her water, like, 36 hours ago. And I'm like, yes, but the European data. And then this is happening in front of Carol while she's starting to have more and more contractions. So I'm like, hey, doc, can we step outside? So we step outside in the hallway, and he's so frustrated and angry, and actually, considering everything that's going on, like, I'm pretty calm. And he's presenting an argument for, like, why we need to move, accelerate this process. And I'm like, like, presenting a counterpoint of how, like, that's not true based on the best data. So he's getting even more heated and intense. I'm sort of maintaining my calm. He gets to a point where he says to me, literally yells at me in the hallway, why are you getting in the way of this birth process? So I sit there for a second, and I'm like, oh. And I share with him what occurs for me. Maybe it was not the best idea, but I was like, oh, you think I'm getting in the way of a birth process? And I think I'm facilitating one. And I literally watched as he had a meltdown in front of me. Like, you could see it in his face. He didn't know what to say. There were all kinds of emotions. He didn't know how to deal with it. And he clenched his fist, and he turned around and he said, I have to get out of here. I was like, what do you mean, you have to get out of here? Like, we're having a baby. And he's like, I can't take this. I'm leaving. And so he leaves. He literally leaves our room. And for all I know, the hospital, hopefully he went out in the car and had a good cry because there was something coming up for him that was very different than what was actually happening related to this birth process. Unfortunately, that morning, there was an emergency room nurse who was transitioned into our room as our primary nurse. And I came back in, and she's like, look, everything's going to be fine. She's like, your plan is a good plan. They don't like your plan. Stick with it. We'll get through this. And we did, and we had a beautiful baby boy. After Gabriel was born, I walked outside. First of all, the doula who we had in the room came running up to me.

She's like, I've never seen anything like that. Like, the way that you took such A calm stand in the face of that aggression from the doctor. I had this massive realization where I was like, oh, my God. I was able to do that because I had just forgiven my dad. Because in any other ordinary circumstance, the doctor would have been my dad, and I would have been trying to convince him that I was right and that he was wrong so that I could be loved. But as a result of letting go of this resentment that I'd been carrying so long, I was able to just be in the space with this other person who has their own unprocessed trauma and their own resentments and their own programs, and I could just let their programs go and not get entangled with them. And in that, I was able to show up really powerfully for my family and also maybe even create a space for the doctor to feel whatever he needed to feel. And after that incident, I realized, wow, like, almost every single man that I'm interacting with, and also in many cases, women that I'm interacting with in my life, I'm not actually having a relationship or a conversation or an interaction with them. I'm having a relationship or conversation or interaction with a dad whose love I'm seeking. And so when I realized this, that, like, wow, like, we're all going through life trying to get love from people or trying to prove to people that we're worthy of being loved because we never got this unconditional love that we were seeking from our parents, it was so freeing. It was so unbelievably freeing because there's so much energy that is invested and exhausted in that deep unreality. I mean, think about it like, you're going to get up today and you're going to have interactions with people, whether it's the barista at Starbucks or somebody at work or one of your employees. And a major component of that interaction is going to be a lens that you're not aware of that's compelling you to believe that you need to get love from this person because of places you didn't get love from your parents. And so when I saw this, it was so unbelievably freeing. And then even more so, I realized, and I've been sharing about this on other episodes, is I've been building a deeper relationship with my higher power. And for me, my higher power has become God, and it's a personal relationship. I realized that, oh, my God, that love that I was seeking from my parents, that unconditional love, I was never meant to get it from my dad. There's only one place That I can get that unconditional love. And that is my higher power that is with God. Because God is the only power that is. So God doesn't have to choose between the time he spends with his children and going to work. God isn't managing the friction of a relationship with his wife. God doesn't do those things. And God has infinite power. And so there is no gap in God's love for us or God's love for me. And so I realized, man, what a pressure I was putting on my dad. Like, I wanted my dad to be God, and he was never supposed to be. He was supposed to be this guy that I believe that I chose to come into the world through in order to have exactly the interactions that I had with him. Many of them were joyful, some of them were painful, and it set me on my own destiny and my own hero's journey. But the unconditional love is supposed to come from my personal relationship with God. And so the reason why I'm sharing this is I'm just encouraging you to take a look. Because when you can literally let go of the resentments that you have for your mom or for your dad or for anyone, you open up this space where you deepen your personal relationship with your higher power. Because there's now space to do that. It's not being filled with all these limiting beliefs and these unintelligent thoughts. And it all becomes so freeing. And this is very root cause. It's like we get into personal growth because we want to be happier, because we want to make more money, because we want to discover our purpose, because we want to have better relationships or heal our body or achieve our goals. But those things are actually just byproducts of no longer wasting all of our energy on these illusions. And the biggest illusion that there is is that our parents were supposed to be something for us that they weren't. And then holding on to that illusion through this bound energy of resentment. And if you can let go and let God, it's so freeing and practically what you can do. If you're picking up what I'm laying down here, and if you are, let me know in the comments, because I'm just saying this is my experience. This is what I found. And now I have such an incredible laboratory of human beings with all the coaching conversations and the events and the seminars that we get to do, and I get to see the breakthroughs for people. And one of the biggest levers right now that I'm seeing is trading in resentment for forgiveness as it relates to our parents. But practically, what you can do, if you like what you're hearing, is to write out all the beliefs that come up around your parent that you feel like there's a resentment towards, or even if you would just want to see if there's a resentment, and then use the tools from the show or go download my ebook on our website, or go pick up my full book on Amazon and let go of those beliefs. Let go of that thinking and it'll be amazing what you find. Number one, you'll find that you start showing up completely in relationship, not only with your parents, but with everybody. You'll actually find that your parents will start showing up differently with you because you're not putting this subconscious pressure on them to be your higher power. And then, number three, what you'll find is all kinds of other miracles starting to emerge in your life as a result of now being able to have this energy go towards what you're wanting to create, rather than bound up in this destructive thinking and these negative emotions and this unproductive behavior. So, so I hope you love the episode. I hope it leads you to allow your parents to be who they are and to open up a greater love between you and them and all people. And if there's somebody that needs to hear this episode, please share it with them. If you're following on YouTube, do me a favor, subscribe and leave me a comment question. I tried to read all of them and if you're following along on the audio platforms, do me a favor, subscribe and leave me a rating or a review. So it's such a pleasure and a joy to be able to share in today's episode a little bit more about my own journey with you. I hope it serves you well. So I love you very much and I will see you in the next episode. Hey, it's David. One more thing. If you want to go even deeper on everything we've talked about on today's episode, don't forget to jump over to www.DavidBear.com. you can find the link in the show notes and subscribe to our newsletter. A couple of times a week, I'm going to be sending you the latest episodes that we've released along with additional free trainings. You'll get immediate access to my free Mind Hack ebook and go even deeper into all the tools, the technologies, the frameworks that have helped tens of thousands of people establish a changed mind. Don't forget to jump on over to the site and I will see you in the next episode.