Hello, human collective.

Welcome to the Upside to Grief.

My name is Story and I am your host.

And this week we are back with Terri, my sister in law, and we are going to be doing one of our segments.

So welcome back, Terri.

Thank you for coming back on.

For those of you who don't know what moments of knowing are, they are going to be those unexplainable moments when you can feel your person's energy present when you, where you're like, that's what it has to be like.

You just, you know, it doesn't really matter if anybody else knows.

Like, you know.

Yeah.

And so I will do just warning about sounds again, like we did last week.

We are recording not in our normal recording space and it is pretty loud outside of where we are right now.

So if you hear noises outside of the room, it's fine.

It's just a part of this.

So.

Yeah.

So do you want to share with us some of your moments of knowing or was there a really big one or.

I just think the big one that comes to me the most was definitely when my brother passed away already.

Just about two days after he passed, you know, I was sleeping.

I woke up in the middle of the night.

I was already having a rough time sleeping.

But when I woke up, my clock did say 4:18.

And what that represents to me is his birthday, which is April 18th.

And it kind of stayed like that for.

I felt.

It felt like a really long time.

Even though the clock wasn't stopped, it just felt like it stayed like that forever.

And I just kind of knew that he was there somewhere.

Just kind of maybe saying goodbye, probably.

But that's probably one of the biggest things to me.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I, I feel some moments with all of who I've lost.

I did also lose my babies.

They were twins.

And to me I feel like they're always around all the time, kind of just floating and watching what me and their father do on a daily basis.

And then I.

That's about it, honestly.

Okay, so with the, with your babies, you said it feels like it's all of the time.

Right.

So that's more like.

Right.

We call them moments of knowing because like the things that happen.

But for people it is true that like the saying, you know, like they're always with you, you know, and so for some people that's true and for some people that's not true.

And so, I mean, that's more of like, I don't know what to call it.

We, we.

Erica and I had talked to Dr. Karen in the last chapter, and she did Moments of Knowing.

And she had talked about how she didn't really have moments of knowing because she grew up raised in that environment, that it was just kind of intertwined with her life.

So she was like, I don't per se, have moments of knowing.

It's just always a constant thing.

Yeah.

If that makes sense.

So.

I don't know.

Is there anything.

I mean, I'm interested in.

What does that feel like?

Or, like, how would you.

How would you explain that if you tried to put it into words?

I don't know.

It's kind of hard to just kind of put into words the way that I just feel.

Like, Like.

Like their urn sits right above our bedside, like, above us on a shelf.

And we do have lots of other memorial things around in the room that we sleep in and do our daily stuff in and just kind of feels like they're.

It's just a feeling.

I don't know, like a itch kind of.

Or a sudden kind of chill, especially when I do talk about them or if I'm even, like, thinking about them, but nobody's knowing that I'm thinking of them.

You'll get, like, the goosebumps type of thing.

Yeah.

And then on a. I do talk to them, like, every day.

I.

If I am walking past our, like, door, which has.

What the hospital did when they passed away was they made clay molds out of their feet and hands.

And that sits right out where we're walking out the door of our room.

And, you know, I touch it and I talk to them.

And every morning, you know, I just say, good morning, babies.

And I don't know, it's just kind of a feel, I guess.

It's really hard to put into words on how I feel it.

It just.

Because I like when I even describe it to Grant, which, who is their father, he kind of doesn't understand either, like, that feeling he feels.

So he's experiencing it differently.

Yeah.

Okay.

I just kind of just know, like, they're somewhere in that room, just watching.

Whether it's in the corner or, you know, literally right next to us.

Yeah.

That's really cool that you.

Not the words.

It's cool that you have that experience now.

I mean, I know that there's people who don't even experience, like, moments, little glimpses or signs or anything like that.

Like, they'll have that really extreme disconnect, you know, where I've talked to people and they're like, I've waiting for something.

To happen, and nothing is happening.

You know what I mean?

And so that can be.

That's a whole thing in itself, like on the complete opposite end of this spectrum, right?

And when I talk with Erica about this, sometimes it's like the different doorways of.

Of grief.

And I think I'm trying to step into that space with Ken for those of you who weren't here last week.

Ken is her brother.

She's my sister in law.

He's the reason this podcast exists.

It's like, for me, he was not always with me and was not always around me.

I just had these moments where I was like, yes, like, I know this in this moment.

And so that became my new norm, right?

And I was okay with that, right?

I had adjusted to having those time to time moments, right?

And I do like, breath work and stuff like that.

And when I have been doing breath work lately, like the messages that I have received in my body and stuff like that is this new door that's opening where inside this room, essentially what's being presented is that he is always with me, right?

And I see other people in different parts of their grief journey, with their babies, with their parents, with their siblings, stuff like that, where they're very much in that room.

And that is true for them, right?

And when it was first presented to me, I don't know how else to explain it, I thought it would be like a sense of relief, right?

Like I should feel comfort, I should feel joy.

And I didn't.

I started crying because it was like a whole new reality that I now have to adjust to, right?

Like we were hanging out in this room and we were having these moments of knowing and we were doing okay.

We were moving forward with life, you know, figuring it out.

And now that this new door has opened, it's not that I want to fight it.

Like, everybody in that room looks like they're doing okay, you know, but this room's more comfortable.

And so it's weird because I feel like my subconscious is not wanting to let this happen.

And so it's something that I'm working on right now of how do I adjust to this new reality.

And I. I think another reason why maybe it's so difficult is that I don't know if I believe it 100%.

Like, because when I have those moments of knowing, I know that's what's happening.

Like, I can feel like the shift of the energy and the fucking air, the goosebumps down my arm, the.

All of it, right?

Like, so it's almost like, more drastic.

Like, you know.

You know, where it.

I guess, almost seems more subtle when the person is always with you.

But maybe that's more calming.

Maybe that would be nice, you know?

I don't know, but I feel like my body or my nervous system or something is, like, fighting it.

And I'm not trying.

Trying to do it, but maybe another moment of knowing that I probably.

I don't know what it is.

I can't put my finger on it sometimes, but especially when I'm alone in my room, I'm watching TV or I'm, like, cooking, doing dishes or something, or even if I'm out in public and it just happens when I'm alone, but I feel like I am being watched.

Like, I have this weird sense all the time where somebody's literally right behind me or standing beside me.

And even when I'm at home, though, it.

Yeah, it feels like somebody, like, walks across, like, the room right in front of me, and it kind of puts me in, like, a. Oh, shit.

It's a little like.

Like, what the hell was that?

Yeah.

I feel like it's always Ken all the time, though.

And this is not my other moment of knowing.

We also have another sister.

Her moment of knowing, and I've told you this, when it was first happening, her lights would just start flickering out of nowhere.

And, you know, to her and to her significant other would probably be like, oh, it's your brother.

Let's, like, you know, playing a trick on us or something.

But she would literally look at the lights and just say, okay, Ken, you can stop.

And then they would just stop.

And I didn't believe her at first when she would tell me this.

So I was like, maybe it's just a electrical malfunction.

I don't know.

But I was at her house the one time it happened, and she showed it to me.

We were literally in her bedroom, were talking about something, and they just started flickering right above.

And she was like, see, this is like, he's here.

And I was like, oh, I. I don't know.

So I'm not sure.

So she did.

She just was like, kind of stop.

And literally seconds later, they just stopped.

And I was like, that's weird, though, because it's just a. Weird.

It's so weird.

I can't.

It's unexplainable.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And sometimes I was a little taken back of certain things that I thought were moments of knowing, because I'm like, I don't know if this is actually it or I don't Something else, something.

Something spiritual that's different or whatever.

Because I do believe in heaven and hell.

So I do believe that there are probably different spirits around us that could possibly play tricks or something along those lines.

And that's also why I was like, I don't know if this is actually happening like the way that I think it is.

Yeah.

Or it's something else.

Or like, is it.

Yeah.

Is it Ken?

Or is it something else type of situation?

Which, I mean, I do believe that there's other energies and spirits and stuff like that probably present.

Right.

And so sometimes it's.

Yeah.

Like, how do you become in tune with that of, you know, feeling those different energies?

And I feel like it has been just even more frequent even in this whole year, because this whole year has just been about.

In me personally, it's all been grieving this year and especially him being gone for two years.

And I lost my babies in February of this year.

And on top of that, I just lost my grandma at Thanksgiving.

So, yeah, this whole year has just been about putting my faith back out there.

And yeah, when I feel, like I said, when somebody's.

When I feel like somebody's watching or right next to me, I do think it's him, but at the same time I'm just like, I don't know.

Like, I don't know if I believe.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I think that's how I feel about, like the.

Him always being there.

I'm like.

I'm like, I don't.

I don't know.

Yeah.

So I can't like fully embrace it.

You know, the feeling when somebody's next to you thing is a totally different, like, feeling.

Right.

It's.

It's weird.

Not weird, but it's strange.

Right.

And.

I don't normally get that one where it's like I feel like this person is right next to me.

Right.

It's been other things, feelings that are unexplainable.

But there is one time that I remember that happening, and it was in August of this year.

I was out in Chicago and it was what would have been ken and I's 10 year anniversary.

And I was out there and I had went to a music festival and it was the first day of the festival.

And so the first day I went by myself.

And then the second day I went with family.

Third day I went with family.

And it was so strange because I was in my dad's car driving to the festival.

And like I said, I don't normally get the feeling like somebody's sitting next to me, but I was like.

You.

Know, I, like, looked over, and then I'm like, okay, you know, like, I'm talking to myself, and then I'm like, hello.

Like, you know what I mean?

I'm, like, questioning.

I was talking out loud to Ken because I felt like it was him.

But I don't get.

I don't get that one that often, but I very much felt like Ken was riding in the car with me that day.

And I don't remember.

I think I was talking to Rosanna or something like that, like, shortly after that, and I was telling her about it.

I don't remember what I said, but it's a different feeling, you know?

Cause you can't seriously pinpoint, like, it's.

It is totally indescribable.

It really is.

I can't pinpoint it either because sometimes when it would happen, it would actually scare the shit out of me.

Like somebody actually trying to scare me.

Like, if Grant was trying to sneak up and scare me and make me jump and stuff, there were moments like that where I felt like the shadow was just right there, like, in the corner of my eye.

And I'd be like, what the hell?

Like, what was that?

Yeah.

So, yeah, it's hard to really explain those kind of moments.

And I think it's a space that we don't.

We don't necessarily explore this space until we're kind of pushed into it, you know?

And so I think it's hard to pinpoint.

It's hard to explain it.

Like, I don't know how I would try to explain this to somebody who's never experienced anything similar.

Like, I'll try my best, but it's like one of those things you just.

You know, if.

You know.

Yeah.

So.

But I do.

I am grateful for those moments, for sure.

So am I.

Just.

Cause, I mean, he was a big part of your life.

He was also a big part of mine.

So when I do actually probably know that, you know, Ken is right there in the room, you know, probably in the corner watching me watch my favorite show and something.

It just makes me feel a lot better because then I know that, okay, he's still there.

Like, he is still right where I exactly want him to be.

Even if he was alive still, he is exactly where I'd want him to be.

Just still there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, are there any other ones that you want to talk about?

Not really.

Just.

Cause like I said, these moments of knowing don't honestly happen that much.

Especially because the way this whole year has been.

Has just been really been a lot of up and down.

So.

Yeah, I.

Those are just the things.

Like, I. I read energies very well all around me, auras.

And that's just kind of how I pinpoint if, like, it is either Ken or even my twins or, you know, maybe someday my grandmother watching.

Mm.

Yeah.

I have not found that yet, but, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, it'll.

I don't know.

I believe things happen when they're supposed to, I guess in some sense.

I don't know if I believe that for all things, but I try to just go with the flow.

That's exactly how I am.

And trust the process.

I'm like, if it's not happening now, just keep going and what's meant for you will happen, you know?

Yeah.

So.

Okay.

All right.

Well, thank you for sharing and coming back on and, yeah, if you guys liked what she shared, you know, comment below.

Don't forget to subscribe, and we will see you next week.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Bye.