SFX: Intro music fades out

WINIFRED: (at mic)

Good morning, Evildoers. Time for another productive day at Global Synergy Amalgamated! This is Winifred from HR with your daily announcements, and we’ve got some fun in store today!

Over in Latvia, near our Riga location, we’re expanding a parking lot, and wouldn’t ya know, it’s right where one of our ritual teams has been performing various sacrificial rites. Which means if you need bone ash for any projects, personal or professional, you hit paydirt!

Paydirt, geddit? Because…digging? Okay, not my best work, but it still made me grin.

Anyhoo, I’ve put the sign-up sheet on the intranet, so if you’d like to grab a shovel and help yourself, all you have to do is let us know.

Now, we can’t guarantee the provenance of the ashes. You’re likely going to end up with a mixture of both animal and human fragments. So before you use them to propitiate any particular deity or infernal being, make sure they won’t be insulted by either one or the other. In other words, use at your own risk. I’d hate to see any of you get dragged into an unceasing hellscape of torment on accident. As far as I’m concerned, that’s the sort of thing that should happen on purpose or not at all.

Speaking of the intranet, IT has finally completed the ritual to merge the company intranet with the Akashic Records. If you want to make sure your search queries don’t return any uncomfortable truths you’re not yet ready to face about past lives or future demises, just append “hyphen NAR” to your search strings. That’s a hyphen now, not an em-dash.

I also have a little sticky note here from Dredwynne Spacklethane, Warden of Walls in the Facilities Department. I am to remind you that if the mirrors in any of the bathrooms are reflecting someone else, you’re to report that immediately. If you put it off the Mirror Realm dopplegangers get more entrenched and then they have to put out bait. It’s a whole thing.

Now, here’s a new initiative we’re rolling out for employee wellness, and I for one am extremely pleased. As head of HR, it’s really important to me that our benefits package is highly competitive so we can attract the best possible applicants, so we are adding free exorcism services to all employees. Whether you’re trying to rid your new house of an all-devouring something that’s glitching through dimensions, or just want to refresh the demonic manifestation present in a cherished doll, you can sign up for either banishings or summonings.

And while we’re on the subject, quick note: If I see another sloppy summoning circle that results in a demon who can’t do shit on this plane, I’m going to make you all do mandatory re-training. Imagine how frustrated that would make you feel? C’mon, people. We’re evil, not rude.

Oh! And some good news. We have found the errant coffee cart. Apparently it just wanted to get away for awhile, y’know, have a think about the future. But it’s back, and the new flat whites are really excellent. Just call up one of the black goats and follow it to the new location for a little mid-afternoon or midnight pick-me-up. Still no food at the cart, now. He’s a coffee purist. Besides, there’s loads of goodies in the breakrooms. I don’t know about you, but whenever Carol from Accounts Receivable brings in one of her Basque cheesecakes, I throw caution to the wind and say, “Screw that lactose intolerance!”

And it looks like we have a few congratulations to hand out today as well.

Engineering has won the Most Gruesome Workplace Accident for the fourth month in a row, so well done there.

The librarians have successfully contained that crawling ink situation. Very nice work.

And finally, and this one really tickles me, no one was caught cheating during the most recent fire drill! Excellent work those of you who summoned hellfire without getting caught.

Well, it looks like that’s everything from me and Coelacanth out here in Denver. I hope to be returning to the main volcano lair in the next few weeks, although I have to admit, Colorado is growing on me. So many folks out here are healthy vegetarians who really look after themselves, and well, let’s just say I’ve put on a few pounds.

But that’s everything for now. Go on out there be your worst self today! Bye-bye now!