Well hello and welcome back to become a calm mama.

I'm your host. I'm Darlyn Childress. I am a life and

parenting coach and also the creator

of the calm mama process, which is a parenting

philosophy, a parenting approach that includes

both emotional coaching, how to help your kids with their

feelings, as well as how to set boundaries and

follow through with consequences. And I called the calm mama process, and

I realized I was looking back at all the episodes I've done on the podcast,

and there's not a single one called the calm mama process.

So I thought, hey. Why don't I do one episode just kind of

summarizing the process, especially because today,

right now, I'm enrolling for the March class

of the emotionally healthy kids course, which is

kind of my foundational program that I offer every

couple of months. It's a 6 week parenting class, like an old

school traditional parenting class, and I teach that online

on Zoom. I teach it live, and we meet on Thursdays at

9 AM Pacific or 12 PM EST

for 6 consecutive weeks. And in that class, I teach the Calm

Mama process. So I wanna talk about what you learn when you're

in that class and also kind of centering

the podcast in the comm mama process. So if you're new to the podcast, I

know we have a ton of new listeners, which is amazing. Welcome. So glad you're

here. And I just wanna give you sort of a big picture

of what we're doing here in the become a calm mama

podcast and also in my programs, talking

about the calm mama process. Okay. So let's get into

it. Here is the thing

that probably changed everything for me when it came

to parenting. I have been a parent for a long time. My

kids are 17 19. They're, like, almost their

birthdays are coming. So been a parent for almost 20 years.

And when I first started parenting, I didn't really know

much about it. Right? I just thought I needed to, like,

manage my kids' behavior, teach them how to be good people, and that was about

it. That's all I knew. And I had, you know, come from a Christian

background originally, kind of a traditional parenting model

of, you know, kind of carrot and stick if you think

about it. Like, if you're bad, you know, you get the stick. And if you're

good, you get the carrot. And you just kind of keep kids in line between,

you know, punishment and praise. Right?

And what I learned with my kids is that,

a, I didn't like the way it felt

to be punitive. I didn't really wanna be like that. I didn't

wanna show up as a parent who yelled and, you know, criticized

and and hit. I didn't wanna spank my kids. And so,

you know, I was I had some of people that I knew that did spank

their children. And, you know, I was like, well, that's not for me.

Plus, my kids are adopted. I don't talk about that

in the podcast very often, but that meant after we adopted

them, social workers were gonna come to the house and ask us questions and ask

them questions. And I really didn't want them to say mommy hits me.

I was like, that doesn't work. That's not good. And so it didn't it

didn't align with my values and also didn't feel safe for me to do that.

So I had to find a different way. And

I was realizing that I didn't really have any other tools

to manage behavior, and I had this very out of control kid. Later,

we realized he had ADHD. That's why he was so wild back then,

very hyperactive at the at that point in his life, Not anymore.

But at the time, you know, he just had a lot of dysregulation.

He had a lot of trouble managing his impulses. He didn't know how to

delay gratification, which are all also common of little

kids. And I just didn't know that much about little kids.

So when you look at parenting models out

there, the original kind of language

is that you have these 4 different parenting

styles. So one is authoritarian. So

that's very, very strict, very much do as I

say because I said so type of parenting. The

second is authoritar authoritative, which is

what I teach you, kind of the balance between I

respect your feelings and here's the

boundaries. And then there is the permissive parent,

which is a boundary boundaryless parenting

philosophy. And then the 4th parenting style is

thought of as neglectful or uninvolved or detached.

So these are the 4 parenting styles. So I was like, oh, I

really like the middle one, which is

authoritative. Right? Leadership and and that kind of

thing. And so I went out looking for that kind of

parenting model because I did not

want to use spanking or ignoring or

sticker charts or praise or,

emotionally checking out, you know, like kind of ignoring behavior and

kind of saying to them, my attention is only

is conditional. Sometimes, not to go on a tangent

here, but, like, it's your love as a parent is

never, like, conditional. I know that.

But sometimes what we do is we use our attention

and our affection and our acceptance as

conditional. So, you know, thinking about a a

time out the way that some people use time out is by

saying, you know, you go over there and you sit

down and you come back when you can be good. Right? So it's

like the child is set apart alone and they're not

allowed to be in your presence. They're not allowed to get your attention or

your affection or even your acceptance unless they're behaving

properly. That does not feel good to me. And I'm sure if you're

listening to this podcast, it doesn't feel great to you either.

Okay. So I was like, I

want to figure out another way to parent. I was trying to do

traditional parenting stuff. I was trying to do time outs, and my

kids' behavior was escalating. You know, I was trying to do,

like, some behavior modification through sticker charts.

It would work for a short time, wouldn't work eve you know, long term.

I can do a podcast episode on sticker charts. I I I wrote an article

about it, but I can do a podcast episode on it. Why why it don't

only works in the short term. But I

was like, okay. I need to figure out a different model.

And the first thing I learned about when I wanted to learn a new

way to parent is about, like, what is called today gentle parenting.

Right? So I learned it as nonviolent parenting

or parenting through connection, parenting through compassion.

And it was pretty cool, to be honest with you.

I was like, the minute my son you know, he used to have these really

long temper tantrums, ragey, crazy, big feeling

cycles. And, you know, I was trying to ignore them or,

you know, put them in a time out. I was trying all these strategies.

Nothing was really helping, and they were just escalating. And

when I learned that I could come close and just

offer compassion, I was really, really messy about it.

But I would just come alongside and say, you know, are you are

you feeling sad? You seem to be struggling

here. Are you okay? Like, do can I help you?

And looking at his behavior through the

lens of emotion, That

realization changed everything for me.

When I was taught the concept feelings drive

behavior and taught the concept that behavior is a

form of communication of emotion

or unmet emotional needs, my brain was like,

which honestly in this day and age, like, there's a lot of parenting

coaches teaching that. So maybe you've kinda known that

all along. But for me, I was like, what? Because I come from,

you know, traditional parenting model raised by, quote, unquote,

boomers. Right? I'm gen x. So I just nobody really

talked to me about feelings growing up. Nobody cared. Nobody articulated anything to

me really at all. The adult world was the adult world, and the

kid world was the kid world. And, like, never the 2 shall

meet. I just, you know, was in my own world

trying to figure it out. And the grown ups were like, that's cool. Easy for

us. But, you know, obviously, I didn't wanna do

that. I wanted to be connected to my kids, and I wanted to help my

kids process their emotion. Then I was like, what? Okay. I'm gonna

do that. I'm gonna understand feelings drive behavior.

And when I teach the calm of a process, the 4 parts are

calm, that's number 1, connect,

limit set, correct. Okay? Calm, connect, limit

set, correct. This is the complete parenting model. So what I'm talking about here is

connect. It's all about that that coaching through big feelings,

validating those feelings, being present, and,

you know, and showing empathy and all all that.

Incredible. Honestly, once I started to do

that in a genuine way, my son's temper

tantrums went, like, decreased. Like,

intensity, they weren't as strong. Frequency, they weren't as

often. And how long they lasted way less. So

incredible. And that's what I see with my clients all the time,

honestly. It's like the minute the parent starts to practice

genuine connection, the child's big

feeling cycles decrease. Unless there's some other medical issue going

on, you know, which we explore. Because if it's not effective,

it's like, okay. Let's get curious and find out why. Alright. So

connection, incredible. Huge results. Then along the way,

I'm like, okay. Well,

sometimes my kids misbehave not because they're

having a temper tantrum, just because they,

like, get excited or, you know, they don't

wanna do something. And and, of course, right,

their feeling is valid. Like, who, you know, who wants to stop

playing to tidy up and clean up and go

take a bath or go brush their teeth. Like, that sucks. Like, that

that nobody likes that. Right? But I

would coach my kids, and then, you know, I connect with

them and narrate their feelings. And a lot of times, they'd be like, yeah, grumpy,

but still go, but not always. Right? And you can't

always emotionally coach your kids. Like, it's impossible. It's

so exhausting. Honestly, it's exhausting. And I

I don't want you to have to do that all the time. Right? We want

to give them the tools at certain

points when they're having big feeling cycles or before they're having big feeling

cycles and get and really, you know, give them that ability to self regulate

and self soothe and then move on with our

lives. So how do you move on with your lives? I was like, okay, well,

now what do I do after I've coached my kids or

in just regular parenting situations?

And that's when I discovered limits

versus rules, if I can say it that way. It's like a

rule is go clean

up. Right? That's like a command, but, really, that's how

we talk about, you know, how do you set a limit with kids? A lot

of parenting coaches or parent educators are like, well, just be

firm and say brush your teeth. And so I was like,

okay. Brush your teeth. And I was all firm about it and all calm and

all connected. And they'd still just look at me like,

no. Honestly, because they don't

want to. Right? So even if you emotionally coach your kids, it

doesn't actually create motivation for them to change their behavior.

And the traditional parenting model, and some of you dip

into this when you are in this situation because

you're like, okay. I was really calm. I was really kind. I'm

very compassionate, and they're still not doing what I want them to do. And

then I get threatening. Right? I yell at them,

or they only listen when I yell. They only listen

when I, you know, repeat myself 5 times.

And, really, what your kid is doing there is you're or

what you're doing there is you're trying to shift

their emotion into some sort of place where they

are motivated to do what you're saying to

do. So on some level, when you use

threats or bribes or the the threat of

punishment or you actually punish them, like, I hurt them, I

mean, by punishment, then you're triggering fear.

You're triggering an emotion, fear of disconnection,

fear of getting hurt, fear of not of you not loving

or accepting them. And that feels

yucky. Right? Like, ew, gross. Like, none of us

want to, you know, threaten our kids and,

like, have that dynamic in order for them to listen, but we don't

really know another way. And so that's

where this limit setting formula that I learned

through Love and Logic. If I'm honest, I went to learn about

it and then went to a training, became a Love and Logic educator. That was,

like, one of my foundational pieces of training and,

really like some a lot of the things that, you know, Jim Faye

teaches or taught originally and

found that it was incredible to say to my child,

hey. You're welcome to have, you know, a story

as long as your teeth are brushed before the timer

goes off. Like, boom. Just

doing that was like, what? I would say that. And at first, my kids were

like, who cares? We don't know about timers. It doesn't matter to us. And then

over time, I would, you know, set the timer and

then they wouldn't do it, and I'd be like, no problem. No book.

And then they'd be like, big feeling cycle. Coach them to the big feeling

cycle. No problem. I'll still read to you as long as you're in your pajamas.

I'm moving the more moment forward with this limit setting formula,

and they are understanding how to, you know, get into

bed. And then over a couple of weeks of doing a routine

using the limit setting formula, I would

say, hey, kids. I hope we have time for books tonight, and you're welcome to,

I'm happy to read to you and cuddle with you and sing this 3 the

3 songs and lay with you and, like, oh my god, all the things. Right?

And we're happy to do all that as long as

you're dressed, teeth brushed, pajamas on, and

laying in bed before the timer goes off. And it was, like,

miraculous. They were doing it so I could get the

meltdowns decreased, and I could get compliance

without using threats and bribes and yelling and

shaming. And, like, I was like, what is happening? Like,

my the parenting pieces were all coming together. It was incredible.

And then I added the restorative justice model of restitution,

learning a lot about how, how important it is

to actually make amends, to go back and

repair when you've caused a problem. Brought that piece

in. So now we have calm I'm sorry. We have connect, we have

limit set, and we have correct. The these foundational

pieces that actually create the authoritarian

no. I keep saying it wrong. Authoritative parenting

style. Right? A mixture between

strict and connected. Right? Like, I'm the leader in my

family. I am soft

while also being firm. I'm

connected without being permissive. Not just I'm not

trying to brag here. I'm just saying, like, my head was like, what

is happening? That this is working. It's like working in

terms of every goal I have in parenting. My kids are

emotionally healthy. We have good routines. They do good

listening to me. And I was like, this is

amazing. Start teaching it, started teaching the

limit setting formula, started teaching about consequences this

way. Then I, you know, started adding the connection piece, bringing

all these together in this one parenting philosophy.

Clients are having tons of success. Amazing. Right? This was, like,

2012, 13, 14, you know, these years.

And then I started to realize that parents

were coming to me, and they were saying, darling, I love

everything you were teaching me. It is incredible, and it totally

works except when I'm mad.

They were like, I love everything, but I can't always

remember all the scripts. I can't always remember the steps. I

can't always remember what to do. And I kept thinking,

like, what is it that is the block there? What is the

obstacle that is standing in the way of these parents from showing up as

the moms and dads they want to be. And I realized it was

their own stress, their own dysregulation,

their own inability to manage their emotions. And so I

started to really cultivate a, a bunch

of tools around managing our stress, ran at managing our

nervous system, managing our amygdala, you

know, working on our mindset. And as I

started to teach these techniques, and I'd say, okay. 1st, we

have to be calm, then parents are like, yeah. Okay.

That's I feel so much better. Once I'm calm, I'm definitely able

to stay in my thinking brain, do compassion, do, you

know, do connection, do limit set, do correct. So

cool. So over time, I went back, got a different

training in life coaching. I went to Martha Beck's life coach training

school. She calls it wayfinders, And

I just became really, really good at knowing

how the mind works and how the body works and how, you know,

our nervous system works and how to coach our brain and all that stuff. Right?

So now you put these pieces together and

we have the calm mama process. 1st

is calm. Calm is all about the

parent. It's all about how to manage your

stress and your nervous system and your mindset

and your, you know, self care. And, like, I've created the Calm Mama

journal and the self care class and, like, you know, the crash

course to calm. I have really

dove deep into this philosophy

in order to help you get calm. So in the class, we

do spend 1 or 2 weeks on it. Not as deep as I wish we

could go because it's hard to go, you know, learn everything, right, in 1

6 week class. But I give you the foundations. You learn about

managing your nervous system with your body. You learn about your

managing your mind using calm mama thinking. We we talk about

reframing behavior so we don't get so triggered. So many

cool pieces in that part around calm

And, like, heads up in the summer, I'm teaching

I'm hosting something called calm mama summer camp.

It's gonna be a 10 day camp for moms, and we are all we're

gonna do is talk about calm. All we're gonna do is talk about ourselves and

our self care and, like, feminine conditioning and, oh my

so much cool stuff that's coming in June. So keep your

ears out for that. But right now, I'm talking about the

emotionally healthy kids class and talking about calm and

how in the calm mama process, that's the first part.

It's all about your ability to calm yourself.

Self regulation is what we would call

it. And then connection, calm,

connect. That's that emotional coaching. That's the gentle parenting piece. That's the

parent. That's the piece that you've been learning so much about, you know, about validating

your kids' feelings, saying, I wonder if you're feeling sad.

And they say yes or no, whatever. And you go, well, of course, that makes

sense. My favorite sentence for validating

ever is saying that makes sense.

That makes sense. Of course, you're feeling sad. I would be

feeling sad too. If I was thinking you didn't

I didn't like you. Right? So

we're validating the emotion and then we're teaching our

kids better ways to express their feelings,

better ways. Because the way that they're doing it feels good to them,

but it doesn't feel good to others and it or it won't feel good to

them in the long term. So we need to, you know, give them those tools

and and help them learn. But

that's just not enough. It's just not. I wish it

was, but, like, the parenting pieces of limit set and

correct are also extremely important in parenting.

How do you set up boundaries? How do you set

up a routine? How do you make rules? It is

amazing to watch in the class the things that

we solve. We solve morning routines. We solve bedtime

routines. We solve screen time routines. We solve

picky eating. We talk about, chores.

Like, how do you get your kids to, like, you know, clear the breakfast dishes?

All of those really tangible parenting

piece things are the things that go into

limit set correct. We have compassion for our

kids. We understand bedtime is hard. We understand going

to school is hard. We we we're kind and

compassionate, but within the boundaries. So I teach you

how to do that in the comm mama process and on this podcast, obviously. There's

a lot of I mean, there's a lot of episodes on limits, and

there's a lot of episodes on consequences. And so if you're

coming to this podcast and you're like, I love everything she's saying.

I wanna know all of it, all that. You can go back to the

beginning of the podcast and listen to episodes 2,

3, 4, 567. Like those earlier

foundational episodes, I go through the process step by

step. Each episode is one part of the process.

But today, I wanted to spend time just kind of bringing it all together

and talking about this concept of the call

mama process because

I I know that parenting is really confusing. I talked about this the last

couple of weeks on the episode parent why parenting is confusing. Talked about

it last time about how, you know, permiss how we're becoming

permissive parents kind of on accident because we don't

feel comfortable. We don't we're either burned out or we don't

feel comfortable doing consequences. We don't we're burned out because we don't

wanna deal with another big feeling cycle. Like, oh my god. How many times do

I have to help this kid with their feelings? Right?

So when you are

learning about the how to parent this way, you're

going to be challenged in a few areas. Right? You're gonna

be challenged in how to get yourself to come.

And you might wanna take the class just because you're like, I wanna know everything

about that. Right? When you're in the class, what's kinda cool

it's not just kinda cool. It's cool. Is that you get unlocked a bunch of

other online courses. You don't have to take them, but there are they are

available to you, and you get to go through the

self care class or deep dive into calm on the in

the, in the online course. You also get the Calm Mama journal.

You get a bunch of other resources all about this topic.

Same for connection. Maybe you are like, I have a lot of

trouble believing that my children are entitled

to feeling sad when their life is so good.

No. That's that's an okay thought for you. Like, it

makes sense that you would think, god, give me a

break, kid. I've given you like, you have everything you want for

breakfast. You have all the, you know, you have perfect school and great

clothes and loving parents and a big house and all the toys you could

possibly want and, you know, friends and a year enrolled in every

enrichment. And, like, you're, like, looking at your kid and you're, like, you have every

possibility, you know, every every wonderful opportunity in life, and yet

you have the audacity to be sad.

It can be kind of a mind fuck for

lack of better term for you to be like, how am I gonna validate this

kid when their life is so good? And that's just a misunderstanding about where

emotions come from. Emotions are not based on circumstances.

They're just not. Otherwise, you know, people with perfect, quote,

unquote, perfect lives would never feel sad. Also, that sucks. Feeling

sad is part of the being human.

But it's not actually possible. It's our thoughts that make us sad. It's the

way we respond to things. It's the way we think about things. It's our

framework, our mindset that creates emotion.

So your children are gonna feel sad sometimes, and that might be

challenging for you. It might also make you feel bad. You might have

trouble connecting with their feelings because you're so uncomfortable with their

sadness or their anger, and it might trigger in you

some negative emotion. And you might wanna try to squash those kids or

convince them to shift out of their feelings. So connection might be

why you join the class, or maybe you're really having

trouble getting your kids to listen. Your limits aren't working. You're

repeating yourself all the time. You find yourself repeat, repeat, repeat, and then

escalate, you know, yell and then threaten and yell. And then maybe you're getting

physical and you're like, this is a disaster. I don't wanna show up this way.

And you are looking for a better way to parent without

yelling and screaming and punishing. And you're like, I'm here for

the limits, darling. Give me the limits. Right? So

the Calm Mama Handbook is your, like, main resource

besides the class itself, and it is it's a

100 pages I have it in front of me because I use it all the

time. It's every pretty much every tool and

resource I have written or created is in this one handbook.

So that's what, you know, the class is really based on that. I don't

just read the book to you. We talk we go into scenarios and we problem

solve and all of that. Alright. So

you're probably like, yep. Oh, and I wanna sign up. I need all the

things. I need calm. I need cat connect. I need limit set, and I need

correct. I need the calm mama process. So good.

Here's how you join the class. I've changed it a little

bit. So right now, it's $397.

That includes 6 consecutive weeks of the

class and includes the handbook. It includes access to the

online resources, and I've added

2 bonus q and a's just for

people who are taking the class, and they are

like, we start March 14th, and then we go through

April 22nd, which we take 1 week off because I'm traveling.

And then we're gonna meet on May 2nd and or no. Sorry. May

9th and then May 22nd, I think. I don't know the dates, you guys. But,

anyway, we're gonna meet 2 additional times as a group. So that way, I'm

calling them mama momentum sessions. So you learn the foundations,

we take a break a week off, and then you have a q and a.

And then we take a couple weeks off, and then you have another q and

a. And that way, you have lots of time to practice and then come

back and ask questions. So that's really cool. Added that feature.

397, the 6 week class, the mama momentum sessions,

the Comama handbook, the online

resources, and then weekly, you not weekly,

daily, email support if you want it. So I have this

form. It's called ask Darlyn, and you write your coaching question, and

then you get to email me, and I answer you via email. So that's a

really cool feature as well. So in that, I just

wanna we wanted to layout if you take the class grade. If you already took

the class, awesome. Love you. You know, I do. And

this might be just a great refresher of, like, oh, yeah. Okay. This is what

we're doing, the calm of a process. Yes. You know? But if you haven't taken

it yet, there's really no reason not to unless you have a teenager

because then you will need to wait for the teen class, which starts in April.

So if you have a kid 0 to 10, 0 to 11, then you're

gonna wanna be in the emotionally healthy kids class and

learn the calm mama process all at one time in a

consecutive way in 6 weeks with the resources talking to

me. I teach it live. I'm right there with you. I know you. We always

have a consult. I have a consult with everybody who's in the class so that

I know your backstory. I know what's going on with your family, how old

your kids are so that when you show up in the class, you don't need

to tell me all that. Like, we've already talked. I know you. So that's already

that's like a bonus, but that's I love I wanna meet everybody before.

So even if there's 30 people in the class, I have met you and talked

to you. So really busy with consults, of course.

Okay. So So you wanna sign up? You go to commama coaching.com. Go

to programs, emotionally healthy kids class. It'll be in the show

notes. If you aren't sure, if you are like, I don't

know. I wanna talk to you first. Great. Book a cons a consult

with me, a 25 minute parenting chat. I'll talk you through the program.

Let me know what's going on with you. Let's just if it's not the right

fit, I'll tell you. Maybe you need private coaching. Maybe you need a

different type of program. I'm just here for you. So

looking at the, you know, go to the website,

go to the program's page, and check out the

emotionally healthy kids class. Sign up. Get

get a consultation with me. That way, I know

what's going on with you. Okay? Alright.

Come on my process. I kinda go gave you why we do it.

And to this week, you know, I like to think about what I want you

to work on this week. This week, I really want you to think about what

area are you wanting to grow in.

Are you wanting to grow in your own self regulation in calm?

Then, you know, go ahead and, like, start reading some self development books

or, you know, journaling and doing the thought dumps and going back to

the podcast and finding out where I talk about the calm process.

Maybe you really wanted to become a better emotional coach. Okay. You wanna

be better at connection? Deep dive into that. Try to figure that

out where, you know, how can you validate your kids? What

does self regulation? What does, what does coregulation

look like? How can you give what tools can you give your kids to calm

themselves? So looking at, you know, the episodes

like that. If you're like, I need to know what episodes, just message me, and

I will help you, you know, I'll guide you. Or thinking about boundaries,

maybe in your personal life with other people, maybe you're wishy washy. Maybe you

say things, but you don't follow through. Maybe you don't hold

people accountable, and your life feels a little

unmanageable. That might be more around limits

and less around calm, more around saying no and being

okay with other people's feelings when you say no.

Yeah. That's a good one. Right? So think

about where you wanna grow. And if you wanna message me on Instagram,

I'd love that or reach out, on the

website, book a consultation. Love to talk to you.

And I hope you have a great week, and I will see you all next

week in the class.