E050 - Special Announcement: The Massive Life Update I Never Thought I'd Make

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[00:00:00]

Today is a vulnerable one.

My friends. I'm going to use this episode to share some personal things about what has been going on with me, a major life update that I never ever thought that I would be giving.

All in hopes to inspire you to what is possible, even if you never believe it to be so, and be sure to stick around to the end of the episode, where I will pull an Oracle card to offer you a message that you can use this week to stay more conscious in your healing.

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Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. We will explore all of the tools that you need to get through your grief, to move past those I'll be alone forever fears, and rebuild your confidence so you can move forward in healthy relationships as your full self.

Never to get sucked into the narcissistic spell again. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. [00:01:00] Let's dive in.

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Welcome welcome. I feel like a kid in a candy store today. You guys. I'm so excited. For this episode. And I know I've promised you a big life update and I'm going to get to it in just a second. But I have to just name that. This is also the anniversary episode of this podcast. So I have been rolling for a year.

Can you believe it? And if you've been following since the very beginning, you know, that I went through a rebrand. And that happened at episode 30. So if you want to go back and listen to a little bit more of the depth around why decided to pivot to heartbreak, to wholeness. Um, that episode is a really good one to hear a little bit more about, again, my vulnerability and. The thought process that came to beat. And now we're in like 50 episodes with amazing guests, amazing insight, wisdom.

And I just feel so honored that I get to show up here on screen for you and provide [00:02:00] some sort of valuable content that helps you to feel less alone. The quality time is one of my love languages. It is one of my values. And this to me is quality time where I get to be in your ears. While you're walking your dog while you're exercising while you're cooking for your family, while you're cleaning the house while you are just trying to not lose your shit, whatever you are doing. Thank you.

Thank you for being here. Thank you for sticking around for a year. Have a lot of podcasts. Don't make it this far. So I feel so incredibly honored and excited to. Celebrate that with you today. And what better way to celebrate than with some major fucking life news that I never ever thought that I would be bringing to you or to anybody or to myself. But I am pregnant.

And in order to share this news appropriately with you, I need to rewind and share a little bit of backstory about the thought process that I had as [00:03:00] a child, as a young adult, and as an adult around family and kids. And it starts with my role very early in life being a caretaker in my family of origin. And under the circumstances that I was in when I was young, I really assumed this responsibility that I have to take care of.

Mom. I have to take care of dad. I just take care of my brother. And starting at about four years old, that was heavy. That was a real heavy weighted blanket that I carried around with me from four year until probably 32 and I never wanted kids. I was very, very vocal about I'm going to be. You know, the, the single person who's partnered or not, but I'm going to be living that dream life.

I'm not going to be taking care of. A little child, because I feel like I've taken care of people. My whole life. And I did a lot of healing. I did a [00:04:00] lot of. I've been in therapy since I was 20, I've done plant medicine experiences. I have done coaching. I have done breath work. I have done. I mean, you name it.

And I have tried it in my healing journey. Self-growth is also a value of mine. And so I have been forever on this, this. Journey to become my best self. And even through all of that, there was never a point where I was like, I want kids. And you throw in these relationships, the last relationship that I was in being the most toxic, but relationships before that, I was never with people who were. Able to commit because I wasn't able to commit and so love, always felt hard.

It always felt like something that you had to work for.

Something that didn't come easy. And I was never with a person who made sense to be a father of a child. Or made that click in my mind of, yes. I want to have [00:05:00] kids with you.

And then enter Jon, which is my now partner. The ho the most healthy relationship that I've ever been in, in my life. And when we first started dating,

he really just flipped my entire understanding of what love and relationships were on its head. It was the first time that I was met with deep curiosity and emotional availability and vulnerability and all of these pieces of. Really masculine men being in their feminine. And leaning into the balance. Leaning into their ability to make you feel safe and seen, and respected and cared for and loved. But also protected and wanted and desired.

It was the first time that I had experienced difficult conversations being had to their completion, where we actually come to a conclusion.

We come to clarity around whatever we were talking about. The first time that I felt like there was space for me. [00:06:00] Space for me to share my triggers and my wounds and what I needed. And to not be judged or reprimanded or brushed aside.

It was the first time that I really felt playful. And safe in a relationship.

And we are just so aligned in so many of our values and our thought processes.

And what's important to us that this relationship is the first one that feels like I'm swimming downstream with him. It doesn't feel like I'm battling the current and trying to avoid the rapids and all of the extra energy and work that had been so normalized in relationships for me.

And even when we started dating, that was something that we were very clear on that we didn't think kids were in the future, that we were totally cool with being the couple that didn't have kids that was just living their best goddamn life.

And I was doing an experience with a friend of mine last summer, where she was leading me through a meditation of sorts. And a song came on that a woman [00:07:00] that I work with in the plant medicine retreat work that I do. She sings this song and ceremony.

And at the time that I was doing this meditation, she was pregnant. And so I heard that song and immediately associated it with her and her pregnancy. And just started balling. I had this very visceral reaction, this very emotional reaction to the song. And it being connected to pregnancy and motherhood.

And I felt this higher self or future self or alternate self version of me that was a mother. And I felt her say to me that this is, this is for you in this life. And it felt so real.

It felt terrifying is what it fell to because I had never considered that as an option. And in that meditation, in that. In that moment. It was like undeniable truth for me. And it turned everything upside down in my world. So [00:08:00] as after I had this meditation, I come back to, to Jon and I'm sitting, I'm sitting with this for a couple of days and just trying to make sense of how I feel about it and what the heck is happening. And we're driving, um, down to Colorado Springs, which is like a two hour drive from where we live. And I was like, I want to share something with you about an experience that I had. And so I tell them about this meditation. I tell them about the, the knowing that this part of me had and how scared I am that that's a knowing, but I now have, and. Like, can we talk about it? How do you feel about what I'm saying to you? And he paused for a couple of seconds, which felt like a couple of hours. And he was like, honestly, it gives me permission to dream into this too. And that opened space for a lot of conversations that followed. About what kids meant. About what that would change in our [00:09:00] life.

And as we were having those conversations, First of all the fact that I can have these open and honest conversations with Jon. In a way that doesn't just feel relieving, but that actually feels comforting. Is still blows my mind because I had never had that experience with men in the past. It was always like, I have to prepare, I have to engage.

I have to protect. And when we have these conversations, they're just so there's so much space for curiosity about what the other person is feeling. So side note of something really beautiful, and that can come in a healthy relationship.

But as we're having these conversations, I'm doing a lot of, self-reflection a lot of introspection because that's one of my favorite past times.

And I realized that part of my deterrence to kids was really rooted in fear.

Fear that I would lose my independence. Fear that my business would suffer that I had worked so hard as a business owner to get up and [00:10:00] running and be sustainable.

And most importantly, fear of losing control, fear that I didn't know what the fuck to expect as a mother. There's no like training course for that.

And It being this thing that maybe you can prepare for a little bit with books and people who have been there, but you'll never actually know what it's like to be a parent until you're a parent. And control for me has been one through line throughout my growth journey that I've come back to and of peel the layers away from. And, and learning how to surrender is something that is a forever lifelong process.

Lifelong lesson for me to learn.

And so really naming these fears. Helped us to be able to peace out if they were true and piece out. If can we step into this unknown existence? Despite the fear, knowing that we have the resources to figure it out, we have the right people in our corner [00:11:00] to help us. We're not alone. And it started to feel right. So we decided to move forward

and I'll tell you that. Making that decision and then actually finding out you were pregnant. Are two very different things.

The moment that we found out that we were pregnant, we were both stunned. And speechless and like that total, oh, fuck moment. It was not, it was not breaking down in tears of joy. It was not whatever you envision the movie to be. It was like, oh God, this has become very real.

We were in shock. We were in complete shock that this decision that we had made had just turned into a reality. And I have already. Uncovered so much about myself in this process and just going through the first couple of trimesters. As I'm recording this, I'm about to give [00:12:00] birth in January. So I'm in the third trimester. And. To go back to the, the, the through line of learning about letting go of control. The first trimester was very hard.

It was very physically hard with nausea with being exhausted. And it was very mentally hard because of those things. Because I have been my whole life, a very driven, motivated. Go get 'em. We get up and we work and we love it. Type of person. And to be halted in what I wanted to do, be it seeing clients or filming podcasts or doing something in the work realm. Or even just going out for a walk or having some sort of exercise, which is also important to me, my body was not there. It was like, we are going to sleep and you're going to be nauseous for six weeks. And that's what you're going to do.

And being with that was really fucking hard. When everything in you wants you to be able to [00:13:00] do your normal day today and your body literally won't allow you to do that.

It was like, I was battling myself. And those six weeks of nausea. Really brought me to my knees. I have a lot of experience with plant medicine and working with psilocybin and Ayahuasca in my healing journey. And what I kept coming back to was how paralleled this, the surrender of pregnancy. Is with the surrender that we have in, in a plant medicine ceremony. And that was what I tried to cling on to.

I was like, That there, this is impermanent. There is impermanence here. This absolutely is. Is painful and not what I want in this moment. And I'm going to wait for the bigger picture to unfold. And some days I was able to see that briefly. Some days I was able to hold onto that for a moment, some days that was purely gone and I was just crying on the couch.

So [00:14:00] it hasn't been all butterflies and rainbows. And people say that when you become a mother. You grow in ways that you never imagined. And I can't imagine what those ways are going to be when our baby is actually here. Because I felt like I have already grown in ways that I couldn't have in less. I was put in this exact situation.

It has been such a practice of learning to trust my body. And coming from an eating disorder background. That also is a very new experience of trusting what my body needs and wants and trusting what it can do. I joke with people that I am in the middle of the most important project of my life. And I have no ability to manage it. Like I am just existing.

And this being is being created. Because my body knows exactly what to do. And it is such, it is such a lesson in [00:15:00] how much wisdom we have when we're not trying to force and control everything.

How much we can actually lean back. And take some responsibility off the plate. And of course I'm doing what I can with food and exercise and things. Now that I'm more able to nourish my body and take care of it. But the actual creation of this human life is something that is happening because of my feminine wisdom of my body. Which is just such a wild way to relate to my body. When for so long in my early twenties, I was really at war with my body and always trying to control it and fix it.

And. And molded and morphed it into what I wanted it to be. It's been such a cool experience. Such a lesson in stepping into the unknown and not having the perfect layout of how it's going to look and. W being with the part of me that gets really scared when she feels out of control. [00:16:00] And mothering my parts so that I can show up as the mother for my actual child that's coming, which still feels surreal to even say,

Thinking about where I am now with my relationship to Jon, with my business, with my growing of a human. These were all things that I didn't know were possible when I was still in that toxic relationship with my ex.

Really after making that decision to leave the toxic relationship. It felt so much like a Slingshot. Like there was so much stress intention that had been pulled back in my life and I felt so hopeless and so alone and so anxious and so aimless to then when I let go of that relationship and I healed from it, it was like the Slingshot opened and I just catapulted forward. Jumping timelines is what it felt like because there has been so much that I have been able to do and accomplish and heal. And, and [00:17:00] find in my life that I never thought was possible. And I want you to really hear that because when we're in those relationships, so much of our energy is good.

It's just going towards survival. It's just going towards not rocking the boat. And it's surviving. It's not thriving. It's not living. It's just surviving.

And everybody's on their own specific journey. Everybody's on their own timeline. But leaving that type of relationship opened up so much for me. So much, so much possibility, so much capacity. And I want you to hear that if you're in this type of relationship, if you're healing from it, trust the process.

If you would have told me that I'd be sitting here as a 36 year old. Pregnant in my third trimester, engaged to the man that I love more than anything I would have laughed in your face. [00:18:00] And coming to this place in, uh, in three years, a relatively short amount of time from complete devastation. Moving actually to acceptance that I was going to be alone forever.

And I was okay with that. To then meeting Jon to now all of this stuff unfolding has been. Wild. It's been so insanely wonderful and mindblowing all at the same time. And I want you to hear. That that's possible.

I want this to be an expansion for you to witness one person's journey. With letting go of what wasn't serving and stepping into the unknown and trusting the process.

And now being able to start a family from a healthy foundation of a healthy relationship that I have with Jon. It is possible.

There are so many stories of infertility. And of missing your window as a mother. If you want to be a mother. And so I want this story. To inspire hope. [00:19:00] I want you to hear something that's possible that I've experienced, not that you will have the same exact journey, but to know that this is also possible. I just cannot even really put it into words again, how surreal it feels to be giving this news to you on a podcast. In a business that was totally built on the healing of my tasks relationship. It's fucking wild. This universe is wild. Trust in the magic trust in yourself. Keep going, keep moving forward.

One step at a time and things are going to unfold for you too.

So let's pull a card. And see. What the energy of the deck has for you today? What the message is that wants to come through for your healing. There it is. Rest. If you aren't watching the video, it looks like two hands that are gently caressing.

And [00:20:00] I will find rest in the book here so I can read you what the message is.

Rest calls you hear spiritual rest bodily rest, both. You can not continue to run. Push, lift, serve. You can not continue to live at the bottom of your exhale. You must rest find it, create the space to allow yourself to unplug. Quiet the mind soften the body.

Connect to the divine spirit that offers you unconditional love and restbite from all of your mind to made worries. Put to rest the expectations of others. The sheds, the guilt, the imposter. Sink into yourself. Exhale, relax, release, rest, rest, rest.

When I read that, I think of leaning into your feminine nature. Whether or not you want to be a mother learning to balance these energies of doing and being with resting and receiving the masculine and the feminine will benefit you in so [00:21:00] many ways in your life.

Thank you again for being on this wild and crazy journey with me.

And if you want to go back and listen to episode 30 about the rebrand or the podcast, or episode 10 about my story. Of coming out of that toxic relationship nightmare. I'm going to link both of those links in the show notes below.

I am here with you walking the journey. One uncertain step at a time. As always this podcast is for you and you are not alone. I will see you in the next episode.