COLD OPEN
NARRATOR
It's another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis; where the superheroes save the day and the lawyers save the superheroes! Although today, our story begins just outside of city limits. We bring you now to a small farm, where Jolene Cotnoir and Megan Nice are tending to their fields…
[working to fix a fence on their farm.]
MEGAN
I’m just saying, this is why we stick to organic. None of that newfangled Parasol pest control shit.
JOLENE
I’m with you! I agree! All I’m saying is I really wish we could get the neighbors on board, cuz it only takes one farm in the area using the alien-derived chemicals to give us mutant deer.
MEGAN
[sigh]
Yeah, I mean, I didn’t get super strength from eating their brussel sprouts, it’s unfair that the deer did.
JOLENE
Would certainly make fixing the fence easi–
[sudden loud plane crash style noise as a spacecraft lands nearby]
MEGAN
What the shit!
JOLENE
What was that?
MEGAN
It came from over there!
JOLENE
[teasing as they start trudging toward the crash site]
Wait, you mean toward the trail of smoke?
MEGAN
[laughs]
Stop being cute. This is serious, we probably lost some crops…
JOLENE
Oh yeah, definitely, look at that crater…
MEGAN
What is that thing?
JOLENE
It’s too smooth to be a rock or a meteor or something, right?
[sound of spaceship door opening. J&M gasp dramatically.]
JOLENE
Oh. My. God.
[beat for drama, then full-on squee mode, think of baby yoda waddling]
That is the cutest thing I have ever seen!
SCENE ONE
LOIS
Evening, Mx. Hallo.
HARPER
LOIS. You said to come in a little early? What’s up?
[weird baby sounds from another room]
What was that?
LOIS
Excellent question, Mx. Hallo. Mr. Aria would like you to join him in conference room J5-102.
[Cut to door opening and baby sounds getting louder]
MAL
Ah, young Hallo. Please close the door, will you?
[Harper does]
I’d like you to meet Jolene Cotnoir and Megan Nice, and their foundling.
HARPER
Hi, I’m Harper.
ROSS
And I’m Ross.
[baby coos as he bounces it]
MAL
Ah, yes, I suppose you two haven’t met. Ross, Mx. Hallo, Mx. Hallo, Ross. But in any case, these young women are looking for some legal advice regarding the child.
JOLENE
Yes, we’d like to adopt him.
MEGAN
We’ve gotten awfully attached over the last few weeks!
MAL
As I understand it–and please, step in if my account is in any way inaccurate–Ms. Cotnoir and Ms. Nice discovered a crash site on their farmland. A small spacecraft, it would seem.
JOLENE
That’s right.
MAL
With the child inside.
MEGAN
Yes, along with a note telling us–
JOLENE
Or whoever found it, we guess–
MEGAN
To take care of the baby!
HARPER
How could you read the note? Was it not in some alien language?
MEGAN
No, it was in English. We think whoever sent the baby wanted us, or someone like us, to keep him!
MAL
The craft did not contain any further information. Planet of origin, species, nothing.
HARPER
Oh, wow. Ok, so you want to adopt, and you need our help because you don’t know where the baby came from.
JOLENE
Yes. We love him!
ROSS
[soft, cooing at the baby]
And what’s not to love! Look at his little ears!
MAL
[unusually soft, almost-but-not-explicitly affectionate]
Yes, you’ve always had a way with the strange ones.
ROSS
And before you ask, we don’t have any idea what kind of species he is, but he seems to accept care similar to species I am familiar with. So I’ll be helping figure out the best way to care for him, while Mal and your team sort out the legal side.
JOLENE
We searched online but couldn’t find anything on alien species that look like him, or how to adopt an alien baby without known origin, or anything! We’re really hoping you can help.
MAL
We’ll do what we can, certainly. Mx. Hallo, I’ll need you to find out as much as you can about the child, and any information available about interplanetary adoption. I’ll need a memo on your findings as soon as possible.
[to the lesbians]
Is there anything else you think we should know? Any questions for us?
JOLENE
Um… Hon?
MEGAN
We were sort of wondering… I mean we’re really grateful to get help with the childcare side of this!
JOLENE
Definitely more than we expected from a law firm!
MEGAN
But that’s sort of the question. Do you mind telling us your qualifications, sir?
ROSS
[chuckles, not remotely offended]
Not at all! I’m a kindergarten teacher, with experience with children with all sorts of abilities and origins.
MAL
You are in safe and qualified hands, I assure you.
ROSS
[fond teasing]
I bet you say that about all your consultants.
MAL
[horrified at the thought]
I most certainly do not.
[to the couple]
Are you satisfied? You are of course under no obligation to take Ross up on his offer to help, but it may help your prospects of a successful adoption if you can show you’ve put some effort into educating yourselves on alien child care.
JOLENE
Oh we’ll be happy to! We just wanted to make sure… You know…
MEGAN
Your sort aren’t exactly known for your compassion and trustworthiness.
HARPER
[offended]
I assure you, Mr. Aria has his bloodthirst under control and is as qualified as any–
MEGAN
Oh, no, sorry, I mean lawyers. Not vampires. I’d trust a vampire over a lawyer any day!
JOLENE
Um. No offense.
MAL
[doesn’t really care]
None taken.
ROSS
[laughs softly]
You’re in good hands with Mal, as well.
MAL
If you have no further questions or information for us, I believe we can wrap this up. Before you leave, speak to LOIS to set up a time to meet with Mx. Hallo. They’ll need to look at the spacecraft, the note, the child, anything else you might have.
[chair scraping and file stacking as people get up to go]
JOLENE
Thank you very much.
ROSS
You have my number, let me know when you’d like me to come by tomorrow, we can talk babyproofing!
MEGAN
Oh, good, he’s shown some signs that he might be able to fly, and we have so many ceiling fans…
ROSS
I’m happy to help!
[they leave]
Mal, a pleasure. Harper, if you don’t mind I’ll walk back to your desk with you, I’d like to say hello to Bonnie and Cole.
HARPER
[unsure how he knows everyone]
Oh, okay! Uh, Mr. Aria?
MAL
Have the memo on my desk by the end of the week.
HARPER
Okay. Uh, I’m this way, Bonnie and Cole are on the way.
ROSS
I know the way!
[pause as they walk]
HARPER
So, uh. How do you know the way?
ROSS
I’m here pretty often.
[louder]
Right, LOIS?
LOIS
With some frequency, yes.
[they get to B or C’s office]
ROSS
Cole! Bonnie!
BONNIE
Ross. Been a bit.
COLE
Haven’t seen you here since Harper started!
ROSS
Oh, I’ve been in, but you know. Odd hours.
COLE
Sure.
ROSS
Anyway, great seeing you, I really just wanted to say hi. Harper, good to meet you, I’ve heard good things.
[he leaves, no one talks until he’s out of earshot]
HARPER
Who the heck is that?
BONNIE
It is odd that you haven’t met him, he’s here pretty often. Any time we have a case with kids, Mal brings him in to consult if he’s available.
HARPER
Oh! That’s great. Especially after the… sidekick incident.
BONNIE
Yeah, it would’ve been really nice to have him for that.
COLE
For the millionth time, that was fun and you’re a spoilsport.
BONNIE
I’m starting to think you just enjoy seeing me in pain.
COLE
Why, I would never — (dream)
HARPER
Hey, um, sorry, before we get too off track — is consulting the only reason Ross is here?
BONNIE
What do you mean?
HARPER
Well, are either of you picking up on a…vibe? Between him and Mal?
BONNIE
[deep sigh as she knows what’s coming]
COLE
[slams hands on desk]
YES! See? I’ve been saying this forever!
BONNIE
I’m not arguing with that part!
COLE
[seems to have a nerve struck by the situation]
It’s so obvious that they have feelings for each other! And for them to not act on it, they must be too afraid… It’s just sad, ok?
BONNIE
Even if you’re right, if that’s true, they must have their reasons!
COLE
Well yeah, obviously there’s a reason! It’s terrifying!
HARPER
What’s terrifying?
COLE
Being in love! It’s deeply terrifying! Especially when it’s with someone you have a longstanding relationship with, and Ross has been consulting as long as Bonnie and I have worked here. There’s nothing worse than having feelings for someone you’ve known forever! It’s like, what are you supposed to do, risk changing or even potentially destroying one of the most stable and foundational relationships in your life?!
HARPER
Uh…
BONNIE
[going like this: :) :) :) :) :) :)]
Isn’t that exactly why we shouldn’t interfere? Maybe that’s too big a risk for them. Maybe they’re perfectly happy with how things are for them right now.
COLE
But if they can get past that fear they might be so much happier! All that love and companionship — think of what they’re losing out on!
HARPER
Right. What they’re losing out on.
[beat while they think about it]
Mr. Aria does seem pretty unhappy, though. Maybe love and companionship is exactly what he needs. It might even make him more, um… agreeable!
BONNIE
Please don’t–
HARPER
We should help them.
LOIS
Oh dear.
COLE
We should!
BONNIE
No, no, you know how private Mal is–
HARPER
Sometimes you have to hop over people’s fences to give them what they need.
COLE
I’m in.
LOIS
I agree with this plan. Please do this.
BONNIE
That can’t be a good sign…
COLE
Oh come on, Bonbon, you know how much Mal could use some happiness and affection in his life! And Harper’s right, maybe if he got on someone else’s dick he’d get off of ours.
BONNIE
You’re all gonna do this with or without me, aren’t you.
HARPER
I got this job to help people!
BONNIE
Through the law!
HARPER
Yes! And today we’re using the laws of the heart!
BONNIE
[resigned]
Of course we are. Okay, I’m in, but only so you idiots don’t cross even more lines than you already are.
COLE
Yes! Secret mission! LOIS, can we count on you to help?
LOIS
It would be my genuine pleasure.
SCENE TWO
[Harper’s at their desk, we hear approaching footsteps and alien baby sounds]
HARPER
Oh, hi Ross! Jolene, Megan! Thank you for coming in! I hope you don’t mind meeting with just me, Mr. Aria isn’t here yet, sunset isn’t for another hour or so.
ROSS
We know, totally fine! It’s you we need to talk with first anyway. Help figure out where the little one came from!
JOLENE
You said you need to take a look at the baby?
HARPER
Oh, yes, the more I know about his morphology, the better I can research, try to find out where he came from.
[takes a beat to look at the baby]
He’s so adorable! Those little ear tufts, I can’t get over it!
MEGAN
He’s precious! I suppose just searching for blue alien isn’t really enough.
HARPER
I did try that, just to see if I’d get lucky, but not so much. There are a lot of blue aliens out there.
JOLENE
Figures.
HARPER
In addition to his species, I also need to know how mature he is, so we can determine if we need his consent for adoption, that sort of thing! Is there anything in his behavior that can help with that?
ROSS
He seems pretty bright, I’d say around the responsiveness of a precocious one-year-old human. But different species develop differently, so it’s hard to say.
HARPER
But unlikely to be of age, it sounds like?
ROSS
[a bit of lawyer comes out]
Well it really depends, I can’t say anything for certain without more information.
HARPER
Hmm. I’m pretty much out of ideas for where to get more information…
[feigns eureka moment]
Oh! Maybe Mr. Aria has found something.
ROSS
[a little confused]
Was he looking?
HARPER
LOIS, has Mr. Aria left us any messages?
LOIS
[enjoying herself immensely]
As a matter of fact he has.
MAL
[terribly cobbled together audio from other voice lines, some words are from multiple recordings]
LOIS, I’ve just been lone-ly of late. If only I could find someone to share my life with, the long days of hiding from the sun…
LOIS
[like a liar. A terrible, terrible liar]
Oh, my, I am so sorry, that was not the message I intended to play.
HARPER
[under their breath]
That’s the best you could do!? I told you to go for heartfelt!
MEGAN
What…What was that?
ROSS
Hmm.
[footsteps as B&C approach]
COLE
Ah, good, Ross, we’ve been looking for you! Mal wanted us to give this to you!
ROSS
A gift basket. Mal wanted you to give me a gift basket. Are those scented candles?
BONNIE
[not super enthused but probably secretly enjoying herself]
Oh, you know, as a thank you for everything you’ve done for the firm over the years…
ROSS
Hmm. Ok, hand it over.
[as they do, alien baby crying, weird crying and yelling]
JOLENE
[over the sound of the crying]
What–give me our baby!
MEGAN
What’s in that, alien meteor fragments!?
COLE
It’s just some scented candles, some hair products…
MEGAN
Well get it away from him!
ROSS
I’ve got it.
[he hurls the basket across the cubicle area. The baby calms down immediately.]
BONNIE
Wow, good arm.
ROSS
He seems to be ok, I don’t see any harm done.
JOLENE
Yeah, he just really didn’t like that basket!
ROSS
Or something in it. Are you ok with a quick test to figure out what was in it that him?
JOLENE
I don’t know…
MEGAN
Jolene, if it’ll tell us more about him…
JOLENE
I just don’t want to upset him.
ROSS
If I may? Here, if you hold him like this…
[happy baby cooing noises]
He might get scared, but he should feel nice and secure, so he’ll calm down quickly.
MEGAN
Wow, that’s incredible!
HARPER
Yes, very impressive, Ross!
JOLENE
Okay. Okay, I think we’re ready.
ROSS
Great! I’ll stay here with you. Harper?
HARPER
Oh, yeah, I’ll just…I’ll bring things over one at a time.
[pause while they jog to and from the basket]
HARPER
Here are the–
[baby immediately freaks out again]
Ok they’re gone!
[tosses candles with a thump, baby calms down]
Wow, first try. That kid does not like scented candles.
JOLENE
Well, I guess we should throw out the ones your mom got us for Christmas.
MEGAN
That should help, right? With your search?
HARPER
Yeah, probably! I’ll start looking soon!
JOLENE
Great!
HARPER
So, uh, Ross. Other than the…issue with the candles, do you like your basket?
ROSS
It’s lucky we had it, this could be really useful information!
MEGAN
It’s great! I’m sure there’s a ton you can do with this.
HARPER
Yeah, I’m sure! But what do you think of the basket? Do you like it?
COLE
It was really generous of Mal, right?
HARPER
Right! We all owe him a huge thank you.
MEGAN
Uh, hey, not to interrupt, but… who are you two? Are you also helping with our case?
COLE
Oh, no, we’re not.
MEGAN
Then why are you here?
BONNIE
Are you ever tempted to wanna crash a car?
JOLENE
Are you calling our adoption case a car crash?
HARPER
Ignore them, ignore them! Just focus on the basket! What do you think of the basket?
ROSS
It’s nice, I suppose.
HARPER
Just nice? Can you go into more detail?
JOLENE
I’m sorry, could you guys please discuss this sometime else? It’s just, we’re paying you right now…
ROSS
Yes, that does seem prudent.
HARPER
But —
BONNIE
Harper.
HARPER
[disappointed]
Fine, fine. Let’s talk about the baby.
MEGAN
[lightly passive aggressive]
Thanks so much.
SCENE THREE
[Harper at their desk, baby cooing a bit]
HARPER
[baby talk to the kid]
Hi, baby! Is there anything you can tell me? Do you have a name! I’m Harper!
[baby giggles, Harper sighs]
Too easy, I figured.
MEGAN
You think we haven’t tried just…talking to him?
HARPER
Well, it’s always useful to start with the obvious!
JOLENE
Sorry, are you just now starting?
COLE
[runs up, stage whisper]
Hey, kid, Mal’s here! Commence phase two!
HARPER
Uh, excuse me!
JOLENE
Where are you going?
HARPER
I have some urgent business I need to deal with, right now. Um. It’s getting late anyway, I’ll keep working with what we have, why don’t you all head home?
MEGAN
[fading out while Harper leaves]
Uh. Right now? We’ve only been here for–
BONNIE
[distant]
Hi! Here, I’ll help get you set up with another meeting time.
HARPER
[knocks on Mal’s open door]
Mr. Aria! Ms. Castillo said you were here.
MAL
Yes, so it would seem. How is it going with the child?
HARPER
It’s going great! Honestly, your friend Ross, he’s such a joy to work with, he’s just so great…
MAL
[patient]
Yes, I’m aware. I asked about the child, though. How is that going?
HARPER
Oh, the child is great! He absolutely loves Ross, he makes him so comfortable! Of course, Ross seems to make most people comfortable.
MAL
Er, yes, I suppose?
HARPER
It’s probably because he’s so handsome. Kids are always comfortable around handsome people. You think he’s handsome, right?
MAL
Young Hallo, that is a very personal question.
HARPER
Yeah, but you do, right?
MAL
Well, part of his superpower is being handsome, so yes.
HARPER
Wait, really?
MAL
Yes. He calls it “elfism”. He’s handsome and he doesn’t age.
HARPER
[overjoyed]
He’s immortal?! That’s perfect!
MAL
What does his immortality have to do with the case?
HARPER
Oh, uh, I’m sure it helps! Gives him that calming wisdom, you know? Oh! He wanted me to give you these.
MAL
[incredulous]
Chocolates.
HARPER
As a thank you, you know, for being so accommodating.
MAL
[beat]
LOIS, what is happening right now?
LOIS
Well, like many attorneys, Mx. Hallo has witnessed some interactions, seen some evidence, and drawn some…conclusions.
MAL
[beat]
I see. Well, Mx. Hallo, please keep your focus on the case, and on the welfare of the child, as we’ve been tasked to do.
HARPER
You and Ross, you both care so much about children!
MAL
…Yes, I understand Ross is very skilled, but I would hope that you are holding up your end of the work, and not relying entirely on him.
HARPER
Wow, it’s great that you’re so protective of him!
MAL
No, I wouldn’t call myself — blast, now you have me doing it. The case is your priority here, Mx. Hallo, not… other things. Those two mothers are relying on you.
HARPER
Right, I know! There’s nothing more beautiful than parenthood. Have you ever thought about having kids? I bet Ross would be a great dad!
MAL
[small sigh, then he mutters under his breath]
Alright. Some lessons must be learned in blood.
HARPER
What was that?
MAL
Nothing. So be it. Go ahead and put the chocolates on the desk and get back to work.
HARPER
Ok, here you go! Oh! And there’s a meeting on your calendar about the case, just so you know. Tomorrow at 6.
MAL
Very well. Now go.
HARPER
Have a great night! Enjoy the chocolates!
SCENE FOUR
JOLENE
What’s this meeting for? Why can’t we talk now?
HARPER
We just need to head to conference room L3-901. Come on, Ross! How about you go first?
ROSS
Oh, um, okay.
COLE
This is gonna go great.
BONNIE
No it is not.
[door opens]
MAL
Mx. Hallo, this is the meeting you were referring to last night?
MEGAN
A dinner meeting, huh? With flowers and candles?
JOLENE
And two plates.
[baby starts freaking out about the candles]
HARPER
Oh no, the candles! The baby’s upset, we should go meet in a different room!
MEGAN
You think?
HARPER
Uh, Ross, why don’t you stay! You and Mr. Aria!
COLE
Yeah, we’ve got this covered!
[they walk just a little ways away so the baby calms down]
MEGAN
[pissed]
Is our case ever going to be treated seriously by this firm? It may not seem life or death to you, but we care quite a bit–
BONNIE
I am so, so sorry about all of this. If you’d like me to reschedule your meeting again —
JOLENE
[also pissed]
We don’t want our meeting to get rescheduled! We want it to happen now!
MEGAN
We haven’t even gotten a proper apology from the one that’s actually on our case! Look, Mx. Hallo isn’t even paying attention!
HARPER
Ugh, Mal, be polite! Pull his seat out for him!
BONNIE
That is totally understandable and the least you can ask for. I assure you we do take your case seriously, and I will personally ensure that you make your application deadlines.
MEGAN
That… well, that’s good. But it doesn’t change the disrespect we’ve already been shown.
BONNIE
I know, but…
LOIS
Might I suggest something to compensate for that?
JOLENE
What’s that, disem bodied voice lady?
LOIS
Stay and watch. See this situation come crashing down.
MEGAN
… that would make me feel better, actually.
JOLENE
Yeah, kinda.
COLE
I don’t know what you’re talking about, LOIS, this is going great!
[focus shift to Mal and Ross]
MAL
The steak is cooked. No blood at all. The only edible thing on this table is the flowers.
HARPER
Wait a second, is he —
[flower crunching sounds]
COLE
Yep, he’s eating the flowers. Well, yeah, now that I think about it I guess mosquitos do also eat nectar.
MAL
[putting on a show of taking offense, mouth still full of flowers]
You know, I don’t exactly make a secret of my mosquito-bitten nature. What message, exactly, were the chocolates meant to send?
ROSS
[also putting on a show]
I never gave you any chocolate!
MAL
Oh, so now you accuse me of lying?
ROSS
Well, I never took you for a liar, but I also never took you for someone who would insult my integrity!
MAL
I’ve insulted your integrity?!
ROSS
Yes! The gift basket you sent? I don’t need bribery, Malcolm, that was highly unprofessional.
HARPER
Oh, no.
MAL
Oh, I see! So first you accuse me of lying about getting a gift from you, and then you lie to my face about me giving you a gift to muddy the waters!
ROSS
I’m not lying! And stop chewing with your mouth open! Even my students don’t do that anymore.
MAL
Have you tried closed-mouth chewing with fangs? I didn’t take you for the speciesist type.
HARPER
Oh, no.
ROSS
What! Me?
MAL
And not to mention–
[they fade into the background arguing, maybe some improv, while we cut to Harper’s reaction]
HARPER
Oh no! How did this go so wrong!
COLE
I don’t know! We thought of everything!
BONNIE
Seriously? You didn’t even get any blood for the vampire.
ROSS
[in focus again as he leaves the conference room]
That’s it! Don’t bother calling me next time you need my help, I’m losing your number!
MAL
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
COLE
I said from the start, we should have just locked them in a closet together. Sometimes violence is the answer.
[groans from Harper]
SCENE FIVE
HARPER
Uh, Mr. Aria?
MAL
Young Hallo. Ms. Firestein and Ms. Castillo. Come in. You remember Ms. Cotnoir and Ms. Nice? I trust their identities haven’t left your memories the way their case has seemed to?
HARPER
Uh, hi. And…Hi. Ross.
ROSS
[friendly]
Harper. Bonnie, Cole.
HARPER
Ross, Mr. Aria. I am so sorry! I crossed a line. I crossed all the lines. I should never have meddled in your personal lives, it was wrong of me, I’ve betrayed everything I came to this job to do, all the values I’ve been raised with…
ROSS
[Said with the realizing of “oh, this kid is A Lot, huh.”]
Wow.
MAL
Mmhm.
HARPER
I should never have done something so controlling and invasive. I hope you two can forgive me, and forgive each other. Neither of you bought the other any chocolate or candles, I’m the one who set up the whole dinner date… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
[pause]
COLE
Yeah, same.
BONNIE
I told them not to do this.
MAL
Thank you for that, Mx. Hallo. But I’m not the one you owe the apology, and neither is Ross. You’ve completely neglected Ms. Cotnoir and Ms. Nice in all your scheming.
HARPER
Oh. Oh, god, you’re right! Jolene and Megan, I’m so sorry, I owe you a lot more than I’ve given you, my time, my energy–
MEGAN
Okay, okay. “I’m sorry” was fine, we don’t need a whole speech.
We were pretty mad, but Ross actually managed to figure out our baby’s species, with Ms. Firestein’s help. So in the end your team really came through!
HARPER
Oh, I’m so glad to hear that! But still. I really, really am sorry.
MEGAN
It’s alright. We get why you did it — I remember being young and wanting to impress my boss.
HARPER
I-I wasn’t —
JOLENE
Oh, come on, of course that’s why you did it. Otherwise you would’ve done the easier thing and tried to hook up Ms. Firestein and Ms. Cast — (illo)
BONNIE
[high pitched interruption]
ANYway, it’s all going to work out ok, no lasting damage, right?
MAL
Yes. As long as Mx. Hallo understands that in the future, the best method to earn my favor is simply by being a competent lawyer.
HARPER
[embarrassed]
I understand.
MAL
Good. To atone for your behavior, you’ll need to take care of the adoption process. I expect you to give this your full attention.
HARPER
Yes, absolutely, of course. Is now a good time?
JOLENE
Actually, we were about to head home for the night, we’ll set up a time to meet tomorrow. Gotta get the little one to bed!
[they head out]
HARPER
Bye! Sorry again, I’ll see you tomorrow!
ROSS
I believe I’ll head home as well.
HARPER
Look, Ross, I know I screwed up, but if you could reconsider your–very understandable!--decision to not work with the firm anymore, I’ve really enjoyed working with you…
ROSS
Oh, I think I’ll be around. Harper. You’re a good kid. I get why you did what you did. I hope we can get to know each other better in the future!
[to Mal, quick cheek-peck noise]
Malcolm, dearest, I’ll see you at home.
MAL
Ok. Pick up some half and half on the way?
ROSS
Sure thing.
[Ross walks out of the now-silent room]
COLE
Wait, what?
BONNIE
Dearest?!
HARPER
Home?
MAL
[sigh, then with a “duh” tone]
Ross is my husband. Ross Aria? Why do you think he’s here so often? I always recommend him to consult.
HARPER
But…But you fought!
MAL
You needed the lesson. That’s what you’re here for, isn’t it? To learn?
[shocked pause]
HARPER
Learning that though? What does this have to do with the law?
COLE
You sneaky bastard, how long have you been married?
BONNIE
He’s been coming here for years and we never noticed that we didn’t know his last name?
COLE
What’re you gonna tell us next, that you’re not British?
MAL
I’m not British.
BONNIE and COLE
WHAT?!
HARPER
[miserably]
I already knew that, actually.
[fade out on more overlapping yelling]
NARRATOR
Well, listeners, I believe we’ve all learned a few lessons today. And there is more still to learn! For wherever there are lawyers being super, there are supers needing lawyers. Join us next time for another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis, here on Super Suits!