All right, here we go.

I'm going to pretend I'm pushing record, because that feels right.

Okay, I'm pressing record.

Boop.

Hi, everybody.

I'm Lauren Howard.

I go by L2.

Yes, you can call me L2.

Everybody does.

It's a long story.

It's actually not that long a story, but we'll save it for another time.

Welcome to Different, Not Broken, which is our podcast on exactly that.

That there are a lot of people in this world walking around feeling broken, and the reality is you're just different.

And that's fine.

This is our first episode, and that is incredibly exciting and also just terrifying.

Maybe a little bit mortifying.

And by a little bit, I mean, like, a whole lot of bit.

I can distinctly remember sitting on a meeting with my team, like, maybe three years ago when we were talking about what stuff we should put out in the universe.

And it was when I was relatively early in this part of my life where I was voluntarily putting things out on the Internet, which still to this day, I'm like, I do that.

And one of the things, like, one of the very early baseline things we said is no podcasts.

Everybody has a podcast.

We're not going to do a podcast.

Nobody wants to listen to your podcast.

And we were, like, adamant about it.

So please let me be very clear here on this very first episode of our podcast, that is a podcast that.

That we have, like, a producer for and stuff, which makes it a podcast.

There is still a huge part of me that thinks that this whole saying things on the Internet thing is just a fluke, and I'm gonna wake up someday, and people are gonna be like, no, we haven't been listening this whole time.

What are you talking about?

And so it's very different to type up something quick and send it out into the universe or record a quick video, which I still can't believe I do, and drop that onto the Internet.

Makeupless and mostly faceless.

But to very consciously decide that we are gonna hire a team to create a thing that I still haven't decided that we should be doing, except I'm here.

So, like, we're doing it.

So, all right.

This is tweaking the depths of my introvert, please don't perceive me soul.

So thank you for being here.

And also, why are you here?

I am mortified and dying inside, but also very happy to be here.

So if any of that is relatable, thanks.

Thanks for being here.

I know for a fact that I've spoken to a lot of you very recently, especially about, like, when we get invitations to go to conferences and all of these really cool things when people want to come speak to us and we're like, that's amazing.

I would love to go to your conference.

But also there are people at your conference.

I don't know if I signed up for people.

That's kind of what this feels like, except for the fact that I don't really know that you're listening.

And that feels like another circle of hell.

So welcome to all of my circles of hell and my personal nightmare, but also something I'm very excited for.

Hi, guys.

So this is our first episode, and I am, as I said, excited and terrified to be here.

And by here, I mean in my home office, where I always am, without shoes and without hard pants.

So, just to be clear, that didn't change, and it's not going to.

But if you're new to this space, there's a couple things that I just think probably makes sense to know and to understand about where we're headed and what we're doing and why we're doing it.

So the first is the different not broken is about the people who have been told that the way you are isn't correct, that the way that you wake up in the morning needs to be fixed or changed or adjusted in order to be acceptable or palatable for the outside world.

For the most part, that's bullshit and we don't accept it.

And so, to be very clear, we're going to talk a lot about that.

We'll talk a lot about neurodivergence and neurodiversity.

Obviously, I run an entire company for people who are finding their way to their neurodivergent identity and giving them the care and support that they need for that.

And so that's a huge part of what we do.

But I don't want to set an expectation that it's all about neurodivergence or neurodiversity.

There are a lot of neurotypical people who are in that situation as well and who can benefit from the same things.

And I also think there's a world where a lot of the things that we try to impress upon neurodivergent brains about how it's okay for them to exist the way they are.

I mean, it applies to everybody.

And not that I want to water it down in that it isn't vitally important for neurodivergent people, because I think it is, but those messages are pretty universal.

Neurotypical or neurodivergent Odds are there is something that makes you different, that makes you feel like you either have to change or hide or adjust or whatever.

And the reality is, in a lot of cases, that is some sort of arbitrary social rule that we've created to make somebody else comfortable.

Also bullshit.

Or it is something we tell ourselves that nobody has any expectation that we're going to do.

Or it was impressed upon us by somebody else who felt that those arbitrary rules were important.

And in some ways it's done lovingly, in some ways it's done abusively.

But it is important through these conversations that we start asking why we do that.

Is that actually a thing?

Is that something we need to worry about?

And how are we creating less inclusive spaces?

By demanding that those things be accommodated to instead of accommodating the individuals who are in front of us.

Because when we do that, we tend to get better out of them, just in general.

So that's the first thing is we're going to talk a lot about neurodivergence and neurodiversity and specifically autism Spectrum disorder and things like that.

But we will also just talk about like being a woman at work, being non binary at work, what it means to be outside of any typical binary that you're expected to perform under.

So be ready for that.

The second part is I curse a lot and it's probably not gonna stop.

It mostly stops in front of my children and I get in a lot of trouble with them when I use them in front of them.

But like, if I can't really filter myself in front of them, odds are it's not gonna happen here either.

So if you in general have an aversion to fuckwords, this is probably going to be uncomfortable.

And I get it.

And this just might not be the space.

That's fine.

Another rule, we talk about this a lot in our groups over at LB Health, but we say this a lot everywhere.

Anything that comes out of your face is acceptable here.

So, like, if something makes you cry, if something makes you laugh, if something makes you say a fuck word, if you need to say something about somebody who's harmed you, whatever, as, as long as it's kind to everybody around you who deserves kindness and kind to yourself, there's no rules.

And so if you're gonna come hang out with us, if you're gonna have a response to this, if you're gonna share stuff back at us, if you're gonna join us someday, anything that comes out of your face is appropriate here.

And we don't gatekeep around any of those things.

You're allowed to have whatever human reaction you have to whatever we're talking about.

The last thing is I'm gonna tell a lot of dead dad jokes.

And if that's uncomfortable for you, please say hi to your two living parents for me, because I'm so proud of you and I'm so happy for you.

But also, we live in a world where if you don't laugh, you're gonna cry, and I don't have more energy to cry.

So we choose to laugh whenever we can, though we also sometimes laugh while we're crying, and sometimes we cry anyway.

But there's gonna be a lot of dead dad jokes, and you'll get used to them, and you'll spot them, and you'll probably start saying, that's rude a lot.

You'll see why eventually.

But that's kind of like a baseline rule around here.

And my husband, who I've been with for 15 years, who has historically been mortified by my dead dad jokes, actually made one last week.

So first off, our response to him was, you're not allowed to say that, but it will rub off on you, too.

So I'm just saying stick around maybe, and maybe it'll be less offensive to you over time.

We're going to tell a lot of stories.

That's what I do.

I tell stories.

We're going to take side quests that turn into stories, and then I'm going to forget the story that I was telling originally.

That's fine, too.

All of those things are going to happen.

They're kind of like the baseline requirement for spending time with me.

Sorry if you were expecting, like, massive organization and, like, really, really controlled environments.

I don't know why you're here.

That should never have been an expectation.

If you're my to do list, insanely organized.

If you're one of my businesses, insanely organized.

So.

Well, I can tell you where everything is.

I can tell you everything was done.

All of it.

If you're talking about my actual brain, Sorry, guys.

We're not getting there.

It's not happening.

I'm so glad to have you here.

I'm so glad that we get to talk about some of the things that we are going to do.

And forgive me for being distracted.

There's a giant ant on my desk.

It's dead now.

I could not have planned that better if I tried.

Sorry, bro.

It's, like, smushed into a ball and still, like, running around in circles on my desk.

So that's terrifying.

I might have a zombie ant on my desk.

So those are the ground rules.

And thank you for coming and spending time with us.

And there's lots of stuff that we'll get into today and on future episodes and all.

You'll also get lots of ways that you can contact us, so you can either participate or engage or find out more or do one of the various and sundry programs that we have associated with this.

So thanks for being here, guys.

All right, so we've talked about this before.

We talked about this a couple minutes ago.

But, like, this whole process is absolutely mortifying for me.

And I act like I'm mortified by it.

Like, I'm not here voluntarily.

I found a producer.

I was like, why don't we do a podcast?

Even though I swore we would never do a podcast.

Like, all of these things are voluntary, and yet the idea of this going from this very safe little Internet box to whatever, I don't even.

I don't understand what happens after I do this.

I just know that I shut up and some talented person slices and dices and sends it to my phone.

And somebody does all of that because I told them to.

Nobody's, like, holding me against my will and telling me to report a podcast, right?

Like, I'm doing this voluntarily.

But anyway, I'm doing it voluntarily while also being completely embarrassed by my own audaciousness.

Like, who in the world wakes up in the morning and is like, I'm gonna record podcast today where people can just hear me talk?

Not like, there aren't, like, tens of thousands of people literally doing that.

Like, it's not like we have the word podcast, because nobody records podcasts.

So why, when I think about the fact that I'm gonna go spend two hours in a recording session putting together a podcast that I'm gonna send out to the world, does it give me personal embarrassment so bad that it's almost secondhand embarrassment for you?

Like, I feel embarrassed on behalf of the people who are listening to this, and that doesn't make sense because I want them to listen to this, but also, I do not want anyone to listen to this.

That doesn't make sense, right?

Like, why am I like a walking hurricane when I go to record a podcast that I am not being required to do against my will.

So I actually did something about that.

And for whatever reason.

And again, we'll talk about the many, many children of therapists that I've put through college, mining through the ridiculousness that is my psyche that I've been like, that My whole life.

It's not like this is learned behavior.

It's not like it's a trauma response.

I can remember being, like, 4 years old and being like, man, I really want the lead in whatever our school play is.

But I can't tell anybody that, because if I tell them that, it's embarrassing, but, like, they can't think I want it.

They have to think I'm doing this is a favor to them.

But on what planet would that be a favor to them?

That was the only way I could ever get comfortable with it.

I was like that in high school.

I'm gonna show all of my nerd cards right now.

I did speech and debate in high school.

Not only that, but I was really good at it.

And I had lots of shiny stuff to show from the fact that I could get up in front of a room of people and do stuff, talking, nothing else.

And even then, it was like, oh, well, I really don't care about the competing part or the performing part.

I just like my friends.

And, like, that was true, but it wasn't true.

I did have a lot of friends.

I found a lot of fellow weirdos through that process.

In fact, one of the only friends I have left from high school was not somebody I went to high school with.

It is somebody I met doing forensics, speech and debate.

The handful of friends that I still have from that period of my life came from forensics.

Anyway, why is it that when I want to do something that might put eyes on me.

Oh, no.

That I immediately think, hmm, I'm not supposed to want to do this.

This is embarrassing.

And I'm embarrassed on behalf of this person.

It was a barrier to posting on the Internet for a very long time.

I would do it, like, very sparingly, maybe once a year, maybe a little bit more than that.

Only if I had something really, really smart to say or something really, really biting to say, because that's always been a thing, and only ever to, like people I knew, never to strangers.

And then when I got this idea that, like, maybe I should start sharing my thoughts on LinkedIn, which to this day, I still don't know why, I was like, yeah, that sounds like a good idea.

I remember reading from someone that what other people think about you is not your business.

And I realized that I was having secondhand embarrassment on behalf of people who probably were not paying attention.

Was I enjoying myself?

Was I having fun?

Was I feeling some sort of community and solidarity out of what I was getting from these interactions?

Like, yeah.

And the thing Is.

Was I worried about other people?

I think everybody is in some capacity, even if you say you're not.

Like, the reason why we wonder whether we should or should not do things, even if you don't care what someone thinks about you is based in the idea that somebody else is gonna have an opinion on it.

So, like, everything we do is at least policed, even if it's not controlled by this idea that somebody else is gonna perceive us and what that perception is gonna be.

But, like, why is it that this thing that so many people do is not accessible to me?

It's not.

I'm not allowed to have that.

That's weird for me.

And so I don't actually have the answer to that.

I don't actually know why any of that is so deeply rooted in my brain and is taking up so much space in my brain cavities.

But that's where this whole, like, I'm mortified to be here thing comes from.

It comes from this idea that somehow I haven't earned this space, that there's nobody in the world who would ever want to consume whatever this is.

And also, the drive to be here is that I know a lot of other people feel that.

And I also think it's probably a very neurodivergent thought process of I don't know if I'm ready for anybody else to have an opinion of me, because I have no control over that, and I don't want to do or say the wrong thing.

So, again, not here against my will, and yet still mortified to be here, and we're doing it anyway.

We will talk about this a lot in this space, but the idea of doing it scared.

There's not a world where you're not going to be scared of things, but you can do things scared.

And that's what this is.

I'm just gonna do it scared.

I'm gonna pretend that the ridiculous things that I'm saying to this box stay here.

And I'm not gonna think about the fact that technically it gets syndicated where anybody can listen to it, because that sounds terrible, because I can do it scared.

There is a side of that, though, and that's like a very conscious choice, right?

We can do things scared.

Scared is not a deterrent.

Scared is your body, your brain, trying to keep you safe.

It makes you scared so that you think things through so you don't jump in headfirst without considering it.

At least that's what it's supposed to do.

People who don't have that filter, maybe Something else to talk about.

But, like, that's what fear is.

It's supposed to make you assess the consequences of decisions and make sure that they are good for you or good for someone else.

That said, we do things scared all the time.

If you're me, you do things scared.

When you walk into a building you've never been in before and you're not sure where the elevator is, like, that's terrifying.

And we do it scared anyway, that's fine.

There is a separation there, and one that we're probably going to talk about a lot, which is, are you scared?

Because we can handle scared.

Are you scared or are you unsafe?

Those things are different.

So when I am scared, mortified, full of fear, no idea why, I'm about to talk to the Internet, as if anybody has any interest in what I'm doing, that's scared.

The worst thing that comes out of this is like, some Internet troll calls me fat, which they do anyway.

So that's fine.

That's like the end result of that is I've survived that before.

We're okay.

Nobody is going to show up at my door and create an unsafe environment for me.

My home is safe.

My access to my needs is safe.

This does not create any kind of unsafe environment for me.

We can do things scared.

Unsafe is a very different thing.

If you might have physical harm, emotional harm, if somebody might put you in a situation that is not psychologically safe for you, if they are not going to consider your needs, if it's going to draw attention to you, that might actually create physical harm in some way, that's not okay.

We don't do things unsafe.

Nobody deserves to be unsafe.

And so I can figure out how to pull up my bootstraps.

I don't actually.

I don't wear shoes, so theoretical bootstraps.

And talk into a microphone for two hours about this thing that terrifies me and makes me feel mortified and uncomfortable, because that's scared.

But nobody deserves to be unsafe.

And as we're making decisions about what we can and can't do, how we can and can't do things, scared is fine, because scared's gonna happen anyway.

Unsafe is not.

And that's the differentiator between whether you act like a clown and a jackass on the Internet, which I do.

So again, I think we've clarified what scared is, right?

Like, that's this feeling inside that I have fear.

And it's usually your body and your brain trying to protect you from something.

It might be protecting you from something that doesn't exist or protecting you from somebody else's thoughts or perceptions or whatever because you're overthinking it.

You're creating a situation.

I do that all the time.

And sometimes it protects you from very real things, very real things that are fears of yours.

But I think unsafe is something that actually means that in some capacity there's imminent harm.

Right?

So if you have somebody that's an abuser, and this is a heavy topic, but like somebody who's an abuser, should you be silent to hide from your abuser?

That's a choice that you have to make.

But does that necessarily mean that you should put your face and voice on the Internet when that could create an actual unsafe situation for you?

That's your decision.

That's your call.

The point being, that is an unsafe situation.

Now, that doesn't necessarily mean you don't do it.

That's your call.

You get to decide where that line is for you.

But if recording a podcast means that somebody's going to find you and you're scared to do it because of that, that's not scared.

That's unsafe.

You know, if going to talk to your boss about a raise makes you really nervous, because what if they say no?

What if they don't like my work?

What if they just haven't told me that the reason I haven't gotten a raise is I'm about to be fired?

All of the things that could go through your head that could interfere with your ability to follow through on that, all of which are in whatever way legitimate, whether they exist or not, that's scared.

We can do things.

Scared, you can go talk to your boss about getting a raise, even if you're scared to do it.

If your boss is known to be a person who will immediately take offense to that and has summarily fired people and run smear campaigns against them and, you know, created a really hostile work environment based on those kinds of requests, that's unsafe.

That workplace becomes psychologically unsafe.

Sounds like it already was.

Probably something to explore, but that's unsafe.

You are putting yourself in a situation where there could be a bad outcome that is not from the conjuring of your own anxious mind.

Those two situations are wildly different.

Nobody wants to go talk to their boss and ask for a raise.

That's a stressful situation.

It's overwhelming.

The outcomes could be so many things you could find out, things you didn't know.

You could get told no.

It could hurt your confidence.

The outcomes could be awful.

But, like, you're not going to be physically harmed at the end.

Most likely, you're just going to end up where you started.

Worst case, you're going to end up where you started.

No more money.

That sucks.

And that'll be harmful for your ego, but you're not physically being harmed by it.

Whereas if that same situation is with somebody or relies on somebody who.

And this is just literally a situation I'm conjuring up from thin air.

I'm not talking about the experiences that have been shared with us or anything like that, but if that same situation physically puts you in a.

In a situation where, like, man, if I talk to this person and they get upset or they take it the wrong way, I could lose my income.

I could be the subject of public ridicule that could be damaging to me and my career.

And we know that those are based on things that have actually happened.

That's unsafe.

Nobody should have to be unsafe.

You should not have to go to a boss and ask for a raise if one very possible outcome is verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and a hostile workplace.

That's unsafe.

That probably was never safe, but it's certainly not going to be safe after that.

And you'll probably find you'll identify situations like that all the time.

You know, there are some times that I don't want to go to family events because it's a lot of work.

And I have wildly differing opinions from some of the people in our extended family.

And dealing with them is exhausting.

And I dread it because I know I'm going to leave annoyed.

But, like, I'm not going to leave in pain.

I mean, my brain might hurt, but, like, I'm not going to leave in pain.

I'm not going to leave physically violated.

I'm just going to leave annoyed.

That's fear, that's trepidation, that's anxiousness, but that's not unsafe.

I do have family members who, when I have to spend time with them, it is actual, real anxiety because this person or people have done actual things to physically or emotionally harm myself or someone I love.

They are not a person that can be trusted with information.

They are not a person who can be trusted not to weaponize the situation.

It feels like a minefield walking in because you never know what you're going to get or what way this person is going to, you know, use you as a target or use somebody around you as a target.

There have been times where my husband has spent time with this person, and I've literally, like, sat home and had a panic attack because I knew what was happening.

I knew what type of manipulation was happening.

He was actually just doing me a favor.

And he's also a smart person who can handle himself.

But, like, I knew what was happening there.

And it is so triggering for me to have this person in our existence who tries to start shit that just by having my husband interact with this person.

It was incredibly dysregulating to me, that's not safe.

Because that person violates the most important parts of having a loving relationship.

And I know they can't be trusted with information or access to my children.

That's unsafe.

But the same family members who like, might get annoyed that I don't eat their potato salad.

It's not unsafe, it's just annoying.

We can do things scared.

We can do things annoyed.

Either way, I have trepidation about going to that event.

Trepidation for going to most events because people is hard and it's not my favorite thing.

But also one of them is based on the fact that, okay, I'm just going to deal with it and do it.

And the other one is based on the fact that I physically do not know what is going to happen from this experience.

If the best outcome of that experience is you taking a deep breath and going, wow, this person didn't totally decimate my boundaries and make me feel 3 inches tall.

That was always unsafe.

It was never safe.

Okay, so for this episode, small talk, and we're going to do something like this every episode, or almost every episode where we talk through a tiny little tip that will help people figure out how to navigate situations that can be difficult for neurodivergent brains or for brains that are just not comfortable in social situations.

One of the things that is really common is people say they don't know how to make small talk.

So we're going to call this our small talk.

And I understand that that can be a challenge when you're not picking up on social cues and you aren't sure that you're understanding everything, that the person you're supposed to be making small talk is giving back to you, et cetera.

But one of the things that I find works best for me, and small talk isn't something that I really struggle with.

The reason that I say that though, is, and this is not the recommendation, I'm just giving a little bit of context.

I'm an incredibly self deprecating person and I immediately go to disarm people and make them laugh because that just works really well in creating a hospitable environment for Everybody involved, they know I'm safe.

I know they're safe, whatever.

So that's.

I mean, that's my go to.

But the thing that I have found that works really well is sometimes when people are uncomfortable, I'll say I always introduce myself as L2.

I might say, I'm Lauren Howard.

I go by L2.

Or I just say I'm L2.

Lots of people call me L2.

Most of the people who come, you know, who come to us know beforehand that I go by L2.

But I call myself something weird.

Like, there aren't a lot of people who literally go by L2.

There is a droid in Star wars named L3.

And so by calling myself something weird, often the reaction that I get from people who don't know that is, wait, what?

You actually go by L2?

And then I have something to tell them.

And so we start immediately talking about, yeah, I was on a team at one point.

I was the second Lauren on a team.

It stuck for a long time, and then it became part of my identity and it became part of my company.

I've just given them a tidbit about myself that was comfortable to talk about.

That is identifying to me.

That shows them my personality.

That shows them I'm flexible, that I'm open to sharing about myself.

It wasn't uncomfortable.

I wasn't talking about the weather.

Even though talking about the weather is actually a really good way to make small talk.

And often they'll, like, follow up with something like, oh, I have a kid who goes by blah, blah, blah, blah, because of something silly that happened.

And then I'll tell them, like, oh, that's hilarious.

My.

We called my youngest baby Pop Tart for the first year of her life because of a miscommunication with my toddler at the time.

And now you've got something to talk about.

Now that's my jumping off point, because I go by something weird.

But you can share little tidbits about yourself in your introduction that are naturally going to get people interested.

And then you know how to respond to that because you know why you're called what you're called.

You know why you introduce yourself like that.

It doesn't mean necessarily, like, go out and make up a fake name, but if you do, send it to me because I want to know, because that's amazing.

And I will call you whatever you want to be called.

So that's our small talk for the day is sometimes the entry point to a conversation is something about yourself that other people are going to find interesting just because it's different, just a tiny bit different.

And then you know how to talk about that because you've probably talked about it a thousand times.

Thanks for being here, guys.

Have a good day.

Love you.

Mean it.

That was my nightmare.

Did you smack me?

People are also going to be like, why is her house dirty?

And I'm going to be like, my house is very nice.