[00:00:00] Kendra Speed: One thing that you often say is kind of like, you know, you're dead from the neck down. And that's one thing that I can very much feel. I mean, one physical sensation of that is, it's weird, right? That one day I was sitting at my desk as I was going through this and I'm like, I'm cold for normal people, or you know, Sorry.

[00:00:21] For most people yeah, they feel cold. They feel heat. That was one of the first conscious times that I actually remember telling myself in the midst of a day, I'm cold, I'm uncomfortable, let me modify my situation. Because I had gotten such in this process of where I would just fold that down, like, that's not something I'm actually tuning into.

[00:00:45] So things that have changed are even just starting the day and checking in with myself and being more aware of where I am emotionally, physically, spiritually, at a point in time. And so doing those check-ins throughout the day, doing those check-ins while I'm in conversations with people. So like if you had said some of this stuff to me, you know, I would be feeling like, okay, I feel like she's telling me I'm not good enough. She's saying that there's something wrong with me. My defenses are coming up. So now when I start feeling little twinges of that, I will pause address it in internally, and then choose to reengage.

[00:01:32] Christy Rutherford: Welcome to Why She's Winning with your host, Christy Rutherford, a master of office politics and self care advocacy. Christy's clients have received over 10 million in salary raises in a pandemic, surprised that women are still getting paid during these challenging times. It's possible for you too. You can have it all if you believe you deserve it, Christy and her guests will assist you with that. Let's get started.

[00:01:59] Hello, hello, hello everyone. Happy Friday and welcome to Why She's Winning. The place where super women come to rest.

[00:02:08] Today we have the amazing, the incredible, brilliant, gorgeous, fabulous South Carolina State alumni, Kendra Speed. So lemme tell you about Kendra right quick. I was reading this bio this morning, Oh God, I got the bio already, Kendra.

[00:02:27] This is my first time. Anyway, kendra is a marketing and strategy leader. She's an expert in guiding executive teams towards disruptive innovation. She holds an MBA from Purdue University and also is a certified project management professional and design thinking professional. She has partnered with corporations such as B E T, and Procter and Gamble to deliver groundbreaking insights that sparked the Black Men Love campaign.

[00:02:52] She also envisioned and delivered the foundational insight and partnership with Unilever. That undergird the National Crown Act. Okay, I was reading this on time and I'm like, alright Kendra. She has led innovation processes that have ignited over a billion dollars in product and marketing pipelines for consumer and business brands such as Dropbox, Toyota Energy, Efficient Platform, and Olay, whoo! That's a lot.

[00:03:17] All right. Kendra has been featured in top publications, including Ebony and was recognized at South Carolina State University's 2017 Distinguished Young alumni. She is currently the director of Insights and Integrated Intelligence for food and beverage at JM Smucker, including brands such as Smucker, Jiff, Uncrustables, Folgers, and is distinguished as one of five black directors, executive leaders at the company.

[00:03:42] All right, let me hit this. In 2016, she led the way with the real estate industry's first ever psychographic segmentation, actionable to the black group level, black group level. This capability produced a foundation of insight leading to the formation of Charlotte based home builder fielding homes and rebranding of national multi-family developer Nobel.

[00:04:02] Welcome, God, that's dope.

[00:04:06] Kendra Speed: Thanks, Christy. Thanks for the welcome. You know, I look forward to our convo today.

[00:04:11] Christy Rutherford: Yes. So, we were just talking about this bio, right? And this goes into what we're sharing today on how we we don't allow our own light to shine. So talk to us about why you wrote this bio. I want you to tell the audience about this bio.

[00:04:26] Cause it's awesome. I was reading this morning, I'm like, my God, dope. I didn't hear, I didn't remember, or I don't even know that I knew that stuff about you until I read it and then allow me to now read that to the world. So go ahead. Talk to the listeners on that.

[00:04:40] Kendra Speed: Sure. So, you know, before that version of the bio, I had, you know, your standard bio where I worked, you know, my husband and my kids.

[00:04:49] But actually it was sparked by you Christy. So in a couple of ways. So one during coaching you always tell us to write down our red apples, and so my hope is that the red apples really gleam in that bio. The other piece is I happen to come across your bio and I was like, wow, this stuff is strong.

[00:05:09] Like, so I actually took that as a template and said, how do I leverage this type of boldness in my own? So thank you for the inspiration.

[00:05:22] Christy Rutherford: Yeah, that's good. So here's the thing. I remember it was last year when I was doing a resume course that I ended up selling now, but I was like, I would rather gouge out my eyeballs and teach a woman how to write her resume.

[00:05:32] It's tough, but one woman talked about how she was told to not put her awards in her resume. I said, that's stupid. Like, how are you gonna keep ladies being told to dummy down your resume and then be mad that you're overqualified for the jobs that you have? So even on your bio, yeah, I put it out there, but I had to learn that from somebody.

[00:05:54] Right? And then teach it. Now the red apples are what makes you great. Just hit people in the head with it. When you look at my LinkedIn profile, I want you to know I'm the greatest thing, says slice bread. And if you don't like it, cool. Bust up out my face. Sell it. And this is the thing. We're not meant for everybody. I'm not for everybody. You already know that.

[00:06:17] The people who've been in the program know this ain't for everybody. Now if you ready, let's get this party popping. So let's go ahead and get this started, kendra. Now, what was going on with you when you were like, you know what, some need to change, I got to change something.

[00:06:30] Kendra Speed: Sure. So you know, like many people sitting in the home during 2020, 2021. And just for context, I've always been this person that, you know, I'm the achiever archetype, so I've always gone hard in work. And probably was a bit of a workaholic. So once I started working in home, I was at my dining room table. My daughter's in the other room doing virtual learning, home and work started to just bleed into each other.

[00:07:00] It used to be that I could at least leave the workplace and separate. But the things started merging. And what I found was I was kind of at the point of a breaking point of saying I'm going to have to figure out some way to create more boundaries in my life. Seeking a healthier way or mindset about work.

[00:07:19] And ultimately about my personal worth. Like I believed that my worth came through, what I was able to accomplish for the day, the next achievement. And sitting there, I was just forced to look at myself in the mirror and say, Something has to change.

[00:07:37] Christy Rutherford: All right. All right. So we wanna welcome Dr. Chan. Hey, Dr. Chan Leander Vincine, Sue, Rashad, and Jennifer. We got the VFM click. They roll hard with us, so, okay. You ended up doing a three day, I did two, three days last year. Never again. Women always be like, Oh, I'm gonna wait. You be like, never again.

[00:07:57] So what was it that after we finished that, cause you know, the three day is great, but there is deeper work that needs to be done.

[00:08:05] So what was it that made you say, All right? Cause it's great. I mean, we've had women get promoted on a three day, cuz that's what we do. But what was it that you said, You know what? I need to dig a little deeper.

[00:08:15] Kendra Speed: So one was like, the three day was great. So first I was surprised by how many professional women were in there and I was like, I think there's something to be gained even through like this network, Hi Janelle of just being around like-minded women. So that was honestly one of the first pieces of saying like, I need to be around this coaching, this sisterhood really feels good.

[00:08:43] The other piece was just delving, you know, we went through some great modules. And I wanted more, like, I felt like I was getting insights that I had never really gotten elsewhere. And the other piece was in you, Christy, and the way that you push me, right? Cause usually the way that Kendra shows up is I'm able to show up and if you wanna see me a certain way, I'm gonna show up in that way and I'm gonna make sure that, you know, I act the role and play the role to the park.

[00:09:15] But you were calling me on it and, forcing me to look at it and it felt different.

[00:09:23] Christy Rutherford: Praise him. So let's talk about that because one, leadership is lonely. Like leadership is lonely. All caps, leadership as a woman is lonely. Leadership as a woman of color is suffocating, right? Like the more we move up, it's not only lonely in the number of our peers because you're one of five black female directors.

[00:09:49] But even, even lonely because we can't be ourselves. We kind of like stuck ourselves into a closet and the more we move up, the more the expectation is for us to conform in order to be who the position holds and not be who we want to be. So I was calling you on it. So what does that mean? Because typically every woman who comes on the mind, which is typically by clients, they always say I said something to them and typically they don't like it, which is okay.

[00:10:14] So when you say, I was calling you on it, share with everyone what that looks like, because you actually, we need to be called on our stuff.

[00:10:24] Kendra Speed: Yeah. I think it's even like, as I was sharing, you know, experiences in the workplace, the feeling of, because so often I could always point to what the organization was doing or what the injustices were that I encountered.

[00:10:41] But there was the pause point of saying like, what role was I personally playing in that and how was I showing up? Like, there's this whole tension between all along. I thought I was showing up in a way that would allow me to be successful, showing up as people wanted to see me. Not knowing that at the end of the day what they really want to do was see me, see me and who I am and the Kendra that my husband's able to see, that my daughter's able to see.

[00:11:13] But to see the real me versus the role or the cap that I would put on. And I learned that early on, like, you know, high school, definitely in college you know, being a wife of a minister, all of that. So, you know, I think you just called me on that. And then also saying, you know, is there a quiet rage or anger underneath the surface?

[00:11:40] And that was something where I was like, I'm not a angry person. Like that sounds like you're trying to fit me into some kind of stereotype. I'm not a stereotype. But when I had to pause and think about it and start going through some of the forgiveness rituals, all of that. It led me to say like maybe there is something, there are some things underneath that keep showing up in instances where my reaction wasn't even really warranted.

[00:12:08] Christy Rutherford: That's so good. That's so good. Cause I love to call angry women being angry, cause we, look, anger is normal. So we don't even know, if you wanna call me an angry black woman 10 years ago, I promise you I would like threw lighter of fluid on you. Boom. Like threw a match on it and just walk away, you know, like Angela Bassett. What's the movie when she was smoking, when she walked away, when she blew a man's car up, she pulled her husband's car up.

[00:12:34] It was gonna be like that. Right? So, I remember her saying, you know, you look angry. And you're like, No, I'm not. No, I'm good. And I'm like, you look angry at me. And you're like, No, I'm good. And you be like this. No, I'm the good. You be like but you sound angry. What am I saying? It becomes this scenario.

[00:12:54] What am I saying where you think that I'm angry? Well, it look like you got silent rage. Like you ain't saying nothing in your eyes, but you're not saying anything out of your mouth, but your whole presence is like, boom. And boom meaning you're on fire and you're not able to express yourself. Yeah.

[00:13:12] Wait until it's hell. So once you, and this is the thing, Kendra, because high achievement women are criticized for our power and, we're ostracized and we're the mean. And if you're doing something, they talking about you and, you came from, and it depends on the environment that you came from, but you had a great childhood.

[00:13:35] So people gonna talk about that. Like you don't understand the struggle. You be like, well I don't. Cause my parents were successful. My parents had a business. Like, yeah, I don't know what you talk about. I don't understand the struggle. I went to college, I had money. Like, so we're always trying to adjust who we are to be liked and to fit in all the while creating silent, and then it becomes unconscious anger because you can't even be yourself.

[00:14:05] And as we move up in these organizations, they actually want to know you, but we lose the ability to be able to own who we are. So talk about being challenged and what that looks like because after we've been criticized for so long, we shut down when people talk to us. But then you actually did the work.

[00:14:24] So what was the difference in, you know, the things that I was saying to you versus other people telling you stuff? Because I'm sure people have been talking to you for a long time.

[00:14:34] Kendra Speed: Yeah, but, well, I will say probably because of the way I showed up. It wasn't like people were actually articulating that to me.

[00:14:43] Right? Like I remember Kathy said something like, you know, you're nicety, right? Like, this nice, nasty, because, you know, I was like, I'm never rude to anyone. I'm not rude. But okay, sorry. What that felt like was honestly in the session, I think I was like, well, what do you want me to say?

[00:15:04] Like, how do you want me to show up? And you were like, I'm not asking you to do anything really like, and it took me leaving that one session going through the work that we do independently during the week and really being able to do that reflection and sitting there and being like, you know, there is some truth.

[00:15:30] there's some truth to this, and what is the truth and where does it stem from? So spending some time and just sitting in it cuz it wasn't easy. Like I remember leaving and being like, I'm really confused. Like I'm really confused. Like, who are they asking me to be? What am I supposed to be? What are they saying?

[00:15:50] Like, how am I showing up this way? I know I'm very expressive, but how am I showing up with like this underlying anger? And I think it took like writing it out. And I also found like even in like, you know, doing the journaling, writing things out and speaking from there, because I was so used to how I showed up.

[00:16:11] Like if I was asked to do something on the fly, then I'm gonna be to polish it up and say it in a certain way. So I also was like, I just need to read verbatim from what I've written. And once I think the other piece was, it was a safe space, so the other thing was, it wasn't just you telling this to me, but there were other women around the line to be like, You know what?

[00:16:36] You know, I don't know you as well, but I am getting a little bit of this and hearing the other voices and the other perspective. It was like, okay, you know, eight people can't all be misreading me, so there's something that I'm putting out and there's some validity to it. So I also think like the circle helped in that too.

[00:16:59] Christy Rutherford: Yeah, that's good. Who is this that said, hi, I'm not angry because it shows up as LinkedIn user, and I wanna know if that's Cathy. But here's the thing is either Cathy or Monique, I think Monique got some controls on her thing, but I remember that session now. And you were angry. You were angry, but you weren't expressing it because we were basically putting you into a corner, like to get you to see what we're talking about.

[00:17:25] And you were like, what do you need me to say? What do you want from me? What do you want me to say? And it was almost like, what do you want me to say and how do you want me to perform so you can leave me alone and go on and mess with somebody? And we weren't doing that. So because we're trying to get you through your breakthrough, and if you can see it, and this is the thing I love about high achieving women, we don't know what's holding us back is all unknown and it's a couple of blind spots, but if we see it, oh, we gonna run through a wall, we gonna crush it.

[00:17:57] But that's the thing is like, you were like, what do I need to say? And you almost shut down and then you started to kind of like, get hot. I remember it now and all the way, I was like this, who else can say that Kendra is getting mad. Cause apparently it's, and everybody was like, yeah. Ain't woman can't say you sitting over here on fire, passive aggressive and you're not talking anymore.

[00:18:20] And I'm the person who doesn't know what's going on. So, great, welcome, congratulations. Cuz that's the thing is that if we can, you know, my favorite quote all the time, Napoleon Hill said, if I had the curse to look in the mirror and see myself as I truly am, not who I pretended to be. Not what I need to say to get you to leave me alone because we're busy and we got some stuff that we need to unpack, but we ain't got time cause we own to the next level.

[00:18:47] Like, we're high achievers. I don't have time to unpack this stuff. What you need me to say so I can move on and get on about my business and you can get up by my face. That's pretty much what happens. But you're still carrying this stuff, but you're not living the full expression of life to be able to feel the raindrop that hits your face and the wind that blows through your hair.

[00:19:09] So what changed in your life after you had the revelation and then you said, you know what, I do need to do some digging. What was the result of that?

[00:19:20] Kendra Speed: Sure. So first I want to go back to, you know, like the feeling of the raindrop, the wind in your hair. You know, one thing that you often say is kind of like, you know, you're dead from the neck down. And that's one thing that I can very much feel. I mean, one physical sensation of that is, it's weird, right? That one day I was sitting at my desk as I was going through this and I'm like, I'm cold. For normal people or I'm sorry.

[00:19:48] For most people, yeah, they feel cold, they feel heat. That was one of the first conscious times that I actually remember telling myself in the midst of a day, I'm cold, I'm uncomfortable. Let me modify my situation. Because I had gotten such in this process of where I would just fold that down. Like, that's not something I'm actually tuning into.

[00:20:10] So things that have changed are even just starting the day and checking in with myself and being more aware of where I am emotionally, physically, spiritually, at a point in time. And so doing those check-ins throughout the day, doing those check-ins while I'm in conversations with people. So like if you had said some of this stuff to me, you know, I would be feeling like, okay, I feel like she's telling me I'm not good enough.

[00:20:41] She's saying that there's something wrong with me. My defenses are coming up, so now when I start feeling little twinges of that, I will pause, address it internally. And then choose to reengage. So after having gone through the work of the forgiveness rituals and really being able to identify what are those things, those past hurts, those fears, those failures that I was stuffing down and was carrying around with me every day.

[00:21:15] It's a lot easier now to understand when things are coming up, when I feel like I'm being attacked in some way. The other piece is you know, this whole thing about my intention, right? You know, the big thing about like how you treat me is your karma, how I respond is mine. So really thinking about where am I trying to get in any given situation because, often, I'm never trying to get to a negative place and thinking about how can my response impact what I'm ultimately going for at the end of the day.

[00:21:49] So those are ways it's showing up. I think I'm constantly challenge to say, Kendra, we just wanna see you. Right? Like, I have some great tools to go back to, but sometimes it comes up where, you know, I'm still showing the Polish Kendra. The great thing is the team I'm working with now, there are people on it who will kind of call me on it or say like, Kendra, we're really interested in what you think.

[00:22:11] And so I'm intentionally pushing myself to say, how do I speak out more boldly than I have in the past without fear of repercussions or anything like that because I know my intentions for why I'm sharing something. So a lot of it has also been like in the experimentation and what happens if I just answer honestly versus the way I think I'm supposed to be answering.

[00:22:38] And what I've found is people are positively reacting to that and positively responding to that. And I'm able to attract things to me. One other thing I wanted to add was last fall, I was able to moderate a discussion of black cosmetic women. And one of my friends slash you know, we've done work together over time.

[00:23:02] So Tayal Hayes, after the session he reached out to me and was like, you know, we've been friends since grad school, so 20 years. He reached out to me and said there, you know, like, there was something different about you in that session. So my thing was for someone to see me in a working relating peace.

[00:23:21] And he's seen me moderate before, but being able to call out and say, Kendra, there was something different, or I saw who I see when we're together in our private times. And to me those are moments of success for me. And, Hi Deanna, thanks for joining. She's one of those people on the team. Who challenges me and pushes me.

[00:23:41] Christy Rutherford: Wooh! This is so good. Kendra, dropping some gems. I hope you all are paying attention. There's so much to unpack, I got pick one. Let's see, one, we are known from the head down because headstrong women, we're always in our heads, we never feel anything, never. And it comes from being criticized, ostracized, feeling like the weirdo in our family, you know? And then it just gets lonelier at the top.

[00:24:16] So I tell people all the time, I was so numb that you would've stabbed me in my back. Back at it and I'll be like, did you say something? And they be like, I just stabbed you in the back, you be like, Oh girl, that's numb, let me take a couple of knobs out. Oh, I got one nerve left right here.

[00:24:35] So, and that's a survival mechanism. So we're always just headstrong and you don't feel the win, you don't feel the waves. And once you open yourself up to receive, I always be like, now you can feel grace. Cause God is showing up in everything, all the time, and you can't feel it because you've put all of your energy here in order to just survive, but you're not thriving.

[00:25:05] You don't feel anything. And now randomly, you know, I would be walking, and this is when I first started to unfold and, you know, have this process ran, hit me in my face. I was like, oh, I can feel the rain on my face and I started crying, but it was because I had not felt the joy in just rain hitting my face.

[00:25:32] And so there's so much joy accessible every day, Kendra. Like I walk outside, I'm like, was God always these clouds, they always been here. I never saw them because I was at work. Has the moon always been this full and shining?

[00:25:48] Like did the full moon just become the full moon, when I set myself free from my limited perspective of self, they like, well, you know, the moon has been here all the time. Like I never saw it before because we're locked into what we're gonna do next. So talk about what are your thoughts on what you believed executive presence to be before. You actually settled into and just became comfortable with yourself and then after.

[00:26:18] Kendra Speed: Yeah. And I will just give the plug a part of this has been in my most recent manager was someone that did this very well. So, I used to think executive presence was showing up. You know, like you're gonna be well dressed and you're gonna be able to speak well and present your views.

[00:26:36] Yes, you're able to, you know, energize and influence people. I think the piece that was missing for me, I think that stuff is important. And also importantly, being able to show up in a way that people can connect to you and you know, providing these spaces that are psychologically safe.

[00:27:00] Being able to relate my own experiences to others. I think that that has been like the biggest, I will say, growth area for me throughout this process. For me it's not like necessarily like this capability piece or all of that. What I will say is it's the ability to relate to people and for people to see that you're actually a real person with real thoughts.

[00:27:26] With real, you know, frailties or places where you haven't always soared. I think it's just as important to show that, to instill confidence in people beyond just this polished view of I do no wrong, I'm perfect, you know, all that. Because honestly, I'm sure there are people in my life, it could be some people watching today who know me from, you know, college days.

[00:27:52] Like that's kind of who I prided myself in being. And in some ways, I will say it served me well, meaning, you know, I did well in the jobs that I had. One thing I think about. Could I have soared? Could I be further along? You know, if I had been able to show that even earlier.

[00:28:15] Christy Rutherford: All right. We gonna be for two hours. So let's talk about this because I've been working with a couple marketing people over the past week or so, and they keep saying, who's your competition? Who's your competition? Who's your competition? And the science, again, research says you don't have competitors, you create. But in marketing, you have to narrow down a couple of people.

[00:28:37] But when I think about, when I look at some of the women that I highly respect, and I think that we need this, there are women who keep telling organizations what they should do for women and minorities. I'm on the side of the woman and the minority women will say, no, you get it together. So does that make sense?

[00:29:00] Like we're fighting two different fronts here. So do you think that you showing up more authentically with who you were and being able to trust yourself in scenarios allowed people to now want to get to know you better because you now know yourself better and you're not faking?

[00:29:20] Kendra Speed: Definitely. I mean, definitely. Right. One, I'm not, there's like this sense of liberation around. I'm able to show up and freely be myself and know that, it's not like I can all of a sudden like mess up in my role or portrayal of the day because I'm just being myself. You can't mess up when you're being yourself. And there is grace in that.

[00:29:47] And the other thing is, I thought along, I was doing like a really good job of acting and, presenting the person. And I think it was still showing up as like, I'm not sure if you're truly authentic. I'm not sure which Kendra we're getting today. So it helped so much. I mean, and it takes this weight off.

[00:30:10] Of doing the thinking, like what are they thinking? What do they want me to be? How all that, I'm not thinking about that anymore. I'm just operating in those things that bring about, you know, positive energy that are allowing me to learn and understand people better. Cuz what I found is in those instances are the places where I'm able to find my flow and the places of where I'm able to operate in the best of me.

[00:30:43] Christy Rutherford: All right. Apologize. I turn the air up. It's hot in The Bahamas, y'all. It's hot. So I know it's winter time in the United States of America, but anyway what are your thoughts about the imposter syndrome?

[00:30:58] Kendra Speed: Yeah. So, I mean, I know it's very prevalent, you know, saying like, you know, should I really be in this space?

[00:31:04] Like, am I good enough? I'll say, it's a fallacy, right? Like, because when we're in the space, it's already been opened up. So you're already there. So how is it in us to question where God has already placed us so we're already equipped and ready to move forward.

[00:31:27] Oftentimes, I think, honestly, we're probably even places below what our capability is, so to me it's a bit of a fallacy like, I think the feeling is real, but we're gonna have to find some way to be able to move past that. I've heard some really good nuggets of late with executive level women talking about oftentimes we are placed in the organizations where we are for a reason and we should operate in that reason.

[00:32:03] Like, We're in a point of place in time. So, I mean, that's what I think about. I don't wanna say, I don't really think about it, but I don't really, you know, give it much credence. I will say that's growth, right? Because there definitely been times where I felt like, should I really be here? Are they gonna find me out?

[00:32:23] Christy Rutherford: So yeah, it was almost a trick question, but not a trick question because once you've done the work on yourself, it is a fallacy. Imposter syndrome is because you don't know who you are. Does that make sense?

[00:32:36] It's not, Oh my God, I get the imposter syndrome. And people see,who you see, we were like grasshoppers in our own eyes fisrt.

[00:32:47] You saw me drop that nugget last week, and so we were to them, right? So women are claiming to have the imposter syndrome, like they're claiming it as a condition, like a real medical condition that they can't break when it's only, you're not owning how great you are. That's really the problem, the lie is it you've outgrown or, you're greater than the space that you're in.

[00:33:19] No. You've got a job that's too big for who you are. The lie is, you're actually greater than the space that you're in, and you should be two levels up.

[00:33:29] All right. What advice do you have for women? You know, now that you're just simply relaxed into who you are because you talked about which caregiver are we gonna get today? A woman who is unstable in her energy destabilizes every meeting that she walks into, cuz people are like, Oh my God. Like they, it's hectic to be around somebody who is unpredictable and is really just how you see yourself. What advice do you have for women on the other side of, you know, building genuine, trusted relationships at work simply by being yourself.

[00:34:05] Kendra Speed: Yeah, I mean for me it goes throughout like all of life because like, I honestly feel like I was at the place of where it was entering into health territory, right? Because my thing is carrying around all of this and in your head all the time and trying to figure out what people are really thinking and how should I be that way or should I be this way?

[00:34:30] Can drive you crazy. It can make you sick. . And that's kinda the breaking point for me. Like, I don't wanna die early. You know, my mom passed away at 56. I had a aunt that passed away last year in her early fifties. I don't want to be that statistic. And so for me, it's not just about like in order to get, you know, that next promotion, it's important you be yourself.

[00:34:55] To me it's like we want to live, we want to thrive. This is about being able to actually build out that legacy that we already have in our vision. We can't afford not to, so it definitely is helping, and I'll say is because it is a constant growth and development process for me in the work setting.

[00:35:15] It's just helping people better understand where I'm coming from. What I've found is in those times where I'm pushing myself or others encouraging me to say more, those are the times where what I believe in what I stand for are actually able to shine through. And I think that's important.

[00:35:35] There's so much that we as individuals have to bring to the table. And it's just like, let's be bold and step out. There was one thing you were talking before, I wanna give my word for the year. It's transformed. And a lot of this has been, you know, I love writing a plan. I love doing the vision setting.

[00:35:54] And this year I said it's about transformation, it's about execution. It's about, let's just do it. Like we can't sit back and say like, I'm gonna get help, you know, in a few months. Or I'm busy with this now. We can't afford not to.

[00:36:12] Christy Rutherford: Alright. Alright, Kendra dropping the nuggets. I got two more questions. You know, when you talked about what my bff best friend, bff, cosmic friend, who I could be completely transparent with passed away December 28th. Like that, like that he was 50, like that. He wasn't sick, he had Covid. Right. So when I listen to people be like, Oh, when I retire, hold up in 10 years.

[00:36:50] Who told you you had 10 years to do it? Cause he retired from the Coast Guard. This is one of my Coast Guard friends. And then he was in the federal government and then there was a second retirement and everybody's like, Oh, I wanna get into my second retirement. Hold up. Like, who told you tomorrow was a guarantee?

[00:37:06] Because he was going to run my men's program. I was gonna launch a men's program. We were gonna launch in January. And I was like, he go and we agreed to get on the phone January, what was that? January 3rd. I see you did. I see you did. No. Does that make sense? So you said, I mean, we're always waiting to live.

[00:37:30] And we're always thinking that if I have more time or if I have more money or if I have more support. What advice do you have for women who are reluctant to get the change that you have? Like, I talk to women all the time, cause you know, I promise butterflies and riding unicorns. I promise this whole life of freedom because I know that is possible.

[00:37:52] Some women are so afraid to change. They think that I've been angry for so long. Who am I going to be if I'm not angry anymore? This is real. Like they're terrified to thrive. What advice do you have for them?

[00:38:09] Kendra Speed: The advice I have is I think in addition, you know, to the anger, like there's so many women who are taking care of so many people in our lives. My thing is we need to reach out, put the oxygen mask on ourselves first so that we can help others around. Like we have all of these lofty dreams and things we're trying to achieve. If we're not healthy from a physical, spiritual, mental standpoint, we're of no good to anyone.

[00:38:38] Like for me, I think there's a real imperative. I think there's something about having a circle of accountability. So, you know, there's definitely like, you know, definitely seek professional help if you need it for healing of past traumas. I think there's also something to be said about being able to be in a safe environment that is sharing, that is caring, and is about like, we're all winning.

[00:39:07] It's not about like, we're competing against each other. Get into in a healthy environment where you can be real and be yourself, because if not, I think we're in danger.

[00:39:21] Christy Rutherford: Yeah. Yeah. The reason why, you know, I'm passionate about what I do is I cracked up mentally and physically all the way to the bottom of the ocean. And it was because I suffocated in my success alone and I couldn't tell anybody. So high achieving women, we can't tell really a lot of people that we got some stuff going on and we don't wanna unpack it because we think if we unpack it, we're like, it's gonna slow us down to get to the next thing that were chasing.

[00:39:50] You know so that's why I love what I do, and I only talk to high achieving women because when you come in, we don't give ourselves permission to rest because we've created this environment around us where people are sucking us dry and we can't say no, and we created it.

[00:40:06] I wanna know about, and I can't remember the scenario, but it was one of your breakthroughs when you and your husband and some friends went to Martha's vineyard or something.

[00:40:16] Kendra Speed: We did

[00:40:17] Christy Rutherford: Bougie people go to Martha's. So do you remember the scenario, what happened? Because normally I think you said you would've been like cooking and you would've been like waiting on people and you didn't do that. Do you remember that? See, it become so normal now that you be like, I don't know.

[00:40:31] Cause I ain't know about that. It was something where you would've normally been the person that was organizing and cooking and cleaning and, doing and you were like, I'm good. Do you remember?

[00:40:44] Kendra Speed: I do somewhat and then I have more recent example that cause I was thinking we still were up every night cleaning up.

[00:40:50] So, but yeah, I think, you know, that trip is an example. Like, I went into it not really stressing about anything like someone else had worked out the menus and what we were gonna do. You know, there were some activities that we were doing, but my thing was like, I'm just going with the flow. I'm gonna release control.

[00:41:09] A more recent example is over the holidays. So first I think boundaries are important just personally so, and I know that I do better with boundaries cuz that was another issue that I kind of had was, you know, like some of my relationships, like my relationship with my father and stuff like that.

[00:41:29] Like, they were good, but there were just like blurring of lines and things that I was resentful of. So like for Christmas, I was like, everyone is invited to come to the house from the 24th through, you know, the 27th, the 26th. You know, we decided on what the menu would be. The example is I had just baked a cake.

[00:41:51] I baked the pound cake, and my sister was like, am I allowed to eat the cake? Cuz usually I'm like, we can't eat cake until the day of the meal because that's just the way it is. That's the way my mom always did it. I was like, of course you can eat it. Like we're here. Like, so I created the boundaries, but within those boundaries I was like, you know, I'm releasing.

[00:42:11] I want people to be able to come here and have a good time. I want to enjoy people in my home and not be stressed about it. And in that I'm releasing and relinquishing control. Cause I don't really listen, I don't really have control over six adults anyway. So you know, that's just, it's a mini example probably to some, but for me it was liberating.

[00:42:31] It was one of the best you know, Christmas holidays with the family over that I've had in a while. Because there was no pressure on it. Just release the pressure, put up my hands and surrender.

[00:42:44] Christy Rutherford: All right. You got the name of Jennifer's book, Jennifer coming out with her book release, so precious it's gonna be so good.

[00:42:48] So this is the thing, right? No, that's huge because. You said, I don't have control over six adults, but that's what we used to try to do. Control everything. Don't touch the cake. Don't cut that Turkey. You sit over here and so we're creating this suffering for ourselves in creating this perfect environment where people can't even relax.

[00:43:09] They be like, Oh, I love, we about to go over there. And so they're not even expecting a good time, but they're family, so they're gonna be there. But you know, you know how Kendra is. You might, well, I better put some cake in my purse cuz you know she ain't gonna let us cut the cake. I gotta bring my own pound cake.

[00:43:27] And so when you were relaxed, you were like, yeah, cut the cake. They were like, Jennifer's on the line. Go ahead and cut the cake girl. They was like, for real. They were like, yeah, here is the knife. For real.

[00:43:40] Like, I wanna get into this and we'll close, but what was their reaction to your ease?

[00:43:47] Because you can see it now because you're a conscious, right? Like, what was their reaction? And I know that you've been, I think we worked together last, early, maybe like mid last year. So they had been around the ease. But what did you notice. If anything, when you told your sister she could cut that cake, did she believe you or did she hesitate or did, she was like, are you serious? Like, did you like, dig a little deeper into that?

[00:44:13] Kendra Speed: I do think there was a bit of a pause where she was like, Really? Oh, okay. I mean, like, and it also like, it relieved that tension, you know, and when other people come into the space, they're already bracing for impact, right. Like bracing, like, I know I'm gonna ask, but I know what she's gonna say.

[00:44:29] So she was like, Okay, great. And it also, it invited a moment, like a moment of recognition and then a moment of like release, like we're at peace. Like, we don't have to be on different sides of this issue cuz it's not really an issue. And I find more and more of that, you know, I'm sure my household might say that some days I'm better than others.

[00:44:57] But I get some of those looks, you know, from my husband, like where he'll be like, Okay, that's different. Like this is good. You know, just kind of saying like, it's fine. You know? I gave the example of, you know, we went to New Orleans with another couple and my husband's Uber social and wanted to go out, you know, usually I'd be like, I think you need to stay with the group.

[00:45:21] We're going back in. You need to stay. And instead I was like, Okay, have fun. And he came back 30 minutes later, meaning like there was no reason to have an argument about like him going out and doing something that brings him joy. Going out with people watching and hoping to meet some more omegas. That brings him joy.

[00:45:39] I was gonna stay in the room and doing something that brings me joy, like, you know. Listening to a podcast or something and it was okay. Right. So it's just more of those micro moments, which I think, you know, sum up to saying like, a more joyful life.

[00:46:02] Christy Rutherford: That one right banner. So , this is so good and I'm glad we're ending on it. And I do have one question, right. Cuz we've run over our time. But this is the thing, and I was telling you know, one of the clients who in our program now, I was like, look, it's not a big thing.

[00:46:23] You're looking for the big rock to move in order to get your breakthrough. It's something very, very small that we have to figure out what is that lever for you. Does that make sense? Like you said it. Are you there?

[00:46:39] Kendra Speed: I am.

[00:46:39] Christy Rutherford: Okay, great. So you said it invited a moment and so this the reason why we are successful but unfulfilled. Right? We're successful, but we don't feel anything. So what does success really mean to you is because we're not allowing for the moment of joy, the moment of love, the moment of release. Yes girl, you could cut the cake. Like its not that serious, but it used to be that serious. Does that make sense?

[00:47:12] Like she already know you can't the cake until Christmas day. Cause mama, da da da. Okay, your husband's like, well, that's different, which is hysterical because we've trained people around our restrictions for ourselves and we hold other people to these impossibly high standards. And once you relax those standards that you have for yourself, you be like, It's not that serious. I just wanna be happy.

[00:47:39] Then you relax the standards that you're strangling at everybody else with completely unconscious. So alright, y'all can get my free case study at ChangeNow@christy.com. But what advice do you have as we close for how people are, you know, because I love working with high team women cause we're leaders, like we're leaders and, I'm not saying you have to go out and now try to save people who don't wanna be saved.

[00:48:07] A lot of people like where they are right now, but what advice do you have for people who, as we're coming in the beginning of 2022, who wanna be different but they just don't know the first step? What's one thing they can do?

[00:48:23] Kendra Speed: So the advice I give is one, I think in these situations, like oftentimes we are, I'm gonna say draining. Like, draining the resources we have around us. So I had great mentors, I had great people that would talk me, you know, through things. At some point, it's important to take the move to actually do this for yourself, like to spend the time to do the work. Like, cuz honestly, we worked together for about, I'll give it six months, right?

[00:48:56] Like six months. And it was a tough six months, but I think like it pays off. It paid off from week to week in being able to say like, Okay, at least I was able to consider this one thing in my interactions. If you're looking to really propel your career, to propel your relationships, it's time to get off of, you know, the ride and doing the merry-go-round and trying to do the same things over and over.

[00:49:27] Disrupt the process and just, you know, lean in, release and actually ask for help in the asking for help. That's the first act of vulnerability and demonstrating that I'm not perfect. No one's perfect. So I will just say like, raise your hand, ask for help. Take that first step. I know it sounds very dramatic, right?

[00:49:54] If it sounds like we're at the call to discipleship or the invitation, but it's just that like there's resources out there, there's sister circles, there's Christ y there's the opportunity. Let's take advantage.

[00:50:09] Christy Rutherford: Kendra to call on to the Altar, but here's the thing. We gotta do something and stop blaming other people. That's the thing. I blamed everybody until I almost died. So women usually change through inspiration or desperation. So I greatly appreciate you coming here and sharing your story because I wanna inspire women to change before they become desperate. I wanna inspire women to change before they crack up and, go broke and move in with their brother.

[00:50:35] All the stuff that you know happened to me, but I have to learn in order to now come back and share from an authentic place of passively angry because I used to do it. So thank you so much for showing up, Kendra. Oh, Leah to say we're now opening the doors to the church. So yeah, we got the Vfm sisters. They rolling hard on here. So thank you so much for sharing your information.

[00:50:58] Kendra Speed: Thank you, Christy.

[00:51:00] Christy Rutherford: Yeah, we over here, so South Carolina State. All right, y'all. Take care. Bye. Go hang up. Kendra.

[00:51:06] Thank you for joining us. Be sure to subscribe to this podcast and leave us a review if you love this episode. Follow Christy on Instagram and LinkedIn, and don't forget to get her free gift by texting "changenow" all one word. Again, "changenow" to 6 6 8 6 6. Until next time, go out and win bigger.