Alright. We are back at another episode

of become a kamama. I am your host, Darlynn Childress. I

am a life and parenting coach. And last

week, I talked about how puberty is

triggered by changes in hormone levels and how those

changes actually affect your kids your teen, your

tween's ability to adapt to stress. All of

those changes actually start in the brain.

The the hypothalamus starts to change the

way that it communicates and what hormones are needed, and

that triggers puberty. And the hypothalamus is part of the

brain. The essence of adolescence

can be attributed to changes in the brain. That

is what is going on. So we have the, you know,

puberty, the hormone changes, and the bill the brain's

growing and adapting and figuring out how to

change the way that it produces hormones. Right? So that's a whole

system, the nervous system, and the the regulatory, hormone

regular regulatory system that is affected.

But guess what? That's not the only thing

happening in the brain. During the period

from around age twelve to age twenty four.

Sometimes it happens at 11, sometimes a little bit late, but the brain

goes through a major remodel. So we have the

nervous system thing going on with the hormones and the stress response

and all of that is one thing. And then in addition to that, there's

also the process of pruning. And that's what I'm gonna talk

about today is how the brains

what the brain is doing and what pruning is and what the

effects are and why why the brain even does it. So that's what we're

gonna talk about in this episode. And I'm gonna help

you understand the like, brain science.

I'm not a brain scientist, obviously. I'm a parenting coach, but I'm gonna give

you a little bit of understanding of what is going on in the

brain. And then why it does it. And, like, the long

term effect of why pruning is so important. That's what the

brain does this whole remodel for a reason. So I'm gonna help you

see sort of the big picture and why and what's going on with your

adolescent. And then I'm gonna talk about kind of the short term

problems that are created when your child's brain or your teen's brain

is going through this major remodel because it can be really

difficult for families which is a big reason why adolescents is so

complicated, and it is because of their their stress

responses is changing the way they think is

changing, and then also the way they experience things is changing.

So let's get into it. Let's talk about what pruning is.

A very simple understanding or way to think about it

is just imagining, you know, an overgrown bush, like

a black Barry Bush or something like that. And

if you have just so many brambles and so

many branches and leaves, you're not

really able to produce a ton of fruit. It's like all

of the nutrients are you know, distributed in a

way that's really messy and and not giving the plant what it

needs to truly thrive and create a specialized blackberry.

And so the brain essentially is doing the same thing. It's

pruning extra synapses.

It's a neurons. It's going into the brain

and it's taking out whatever isn't

needed anymore. So pruning is this process when the

brain keeps connections that are used frequently and

discards those that don't seem to be needed anymore. This

is this longer process, and it helps the adult brain

become specialized. Let me explain what neurons

are. So neurons are just cells in the brain. The

cells in the brain, they work together to send

messages. To communicate with each other, like a telephone pole or

something. Right? It's like, you know, it's sending

messages across the brain, and that's how the

the thoughts form or the hormones get triggered and all

of that. That's how access

to kind of what we think of as executive function or cognitive fun

function happens is the brain sort of moving at a very

fast pace. And when you're a little kid,

you create a lot of these neurons.

So the neuron is the cell and the synapse is the connection between

the cells, between the neurons. So when you're

little, you there's an excessive production

of neurons, of nerve cells. And there's a lot of synapses,

the connections between. There's so much

that is the brain is growing and learning and It's learning to walk

and talk and and eat and run and move and know how

to respond to smiles. And then it's learning to, like,

count and, know its numbers and

identify, labels of of colors. And then,

hopefully, you're teaching them what feelings are. Right? So the

brain is, you know, adapting to

various experiences and stimuli, and it is just creating a

whole bunch of neurons. And then at a certain

point, it says, okay. This is too much because we need

to lay what's called myelin. So myelin

is a goopy substance that is laid

between the synapses so that the circuit,

the connections between neurons moves really fast.

And if the brain laid myelin with every synapse

and all of those neurons in the brain, It would be a big goopy

mess. And so it does this process of pruning,

taking out what's not needed, taking out those synapses,

and eliminating them so that it can

improve its efficiency because it wants to lay

down this myelin. It wants to make the brain really, really work.

We think about it. Like, I don't have to think about

learning to dry or driving anymore. Right? I I have all this

muscle memory, and I know how to do it, and my brain is really efficient.

But, of course, when I'm learning to drive, I'm building up all this neural

capacity to understand how to move my leg and

put my foot on the gas and steer at the same time and keep my

eyes on the road. There's just so much going on. And so

over and over and over, the brain wants to make all of those

things really efficient. And so it does this process of

pruning. And it helps us actually

have faster processing to get to, like,

thinking. Right? We want our kids to be able to think and process information

and make decisions and understand cause and effect and time

and and big picture planning and all of these things. That

we want for our kids as they get older. This process of

pruning, it plays a crucial role in

helping that happen. So pruning doesn't actually make it harder

to learn. It makes it easier to learn. It makes it easier

for the brain to grow because it's not so

full of things that it doesn't need anymore. I always think about it,

like, when you're really little, and you learn to play chess and you maybe learn

to knit if you went to a school like my kids and, you know, you

maybe learned some Spanish or Chinese or, you know, Mandarin or something like

that. And you've exposed yourself to, like, you play basketball in

football and soccer and you learn to dance and you used to do art and,

like, little kids are exposed to so many things, which is cool. But then

as as they get older, the brain starts to specialize and it

needs to prune away if the child took Spanish,

say, at 6 and 7 and hasn't used any

Spanish. So 11 or 12, the brain is gonna be like, we don't need

Spanish. And it will, like, prune some of that away. It doesn't wanna

strengthen anything that it doesn't think it's gonna need access too

quickly and easily. So that's why a lot of times don't even

remember things that you did when you were little or that you even took a

class. Like, my son barely remembers ever playing basketball. He only played 1 or

2 seasons, and we didn't stick to it. But he remembers playing soccer because he

played all the way until, you know, he was, like, 15 or 16.

Maybe fourteen. I don't know what age. So the brain was like, oh, we need

to keep these soccer skills. Right? It's the same with, like,

swimming or whatever. Funny enough, the brain decides to

keep riding a bike. Like, if you learn to ride a bike when you're little,

the brain is like, oh, yeah. We're gonna keep this one. Maybe it's an easy

myelin sheath, you know, to, like, lay down. Because, you know, people are always like,

you know, you never forget how to ride a bike. And it's like, why is

that? Right? And that's because the brain doesn't prune that information, but it prunes a

whole bunch. Now why is it so great?

It actually is amazing to have your kid

go through this process of pruning because they learn how

to make better decisions. As pruning refines

the neural circuits, then you'll

see that your teen or your tween is able to make

better decisions to think about things differently. And maybe

they understand the cause and effect of, like, if I don't wash my face, I

get a zit. Or if I don't Do my

homework. I don't have good grades, and I can't go to the field trip.

And that when they're younger, you've done all that thinking for them. And we want

them to be able to do that thinking for themselves. And so that is what's

so great about this process is their brain is like, oh,

I now am in charge of my own well-being. Right?

It's it's really, really good. We like it. We want our kids to grow up

and become responsible. We also what's cool

about pruning is that the prefrontal cortex

becomes more accessible. That's why decision making is easier.

The synapses in the myelin between the limbic center where

all the emotions are, the brain starts to make some

real long mile in connections and lays down the

neural circuitry towards the prefrontal cortex, which is where

cognitive function happens. So that's why decision making improves.

But the other cool thing is that's where empathy lives.

And perspective taking lives in our prefrontal cortex. It doesn't live

in our emotions. Empathy is more of

a practice that's based on cognition.

Right? It's not an emotional. It's not an emotional process. Developmental

stage of pruning, they become a bill they have more ability to

be empathetic and take on the perspective of other people.

And that's really cool. It's it's they they have

more understanding of of other humans and and how they're

feeling and how they're thinking and their reality. And that's

beautiful. Couple other benefits of pruning are

that your kids are able to have more

ability to manage their stress. We said during

puberty, Last week, I talked about that. It's a lot of work

for the stress response, the stress system in

our in our bodies, the nervous system, to

integrate all of these new hormones, and it makes it harder for your kids to

cope with stress and they're easily disturbed in their easily

and they're kind of erratic and they have irrational behavior and all of those things

that are hard while the brain is doing these neural, this this

circuitry rebuilding and remodeling, It's actually

helping your kids access better coping

mechanisms. It's giving them skills so that they

can handle all of their life. That's

what becoming a grown up is. And most of our coping

mechanisms, like our stress management tools and all of

that. They're held at our prefrontal cortex. That's all

like, oh, I'm stressed. I need a strategy. And then we

access our our prefrontal cortex, our thinking brain, and

we employ those strategies. When we're not able to

employ those strategies, when we're reactive. That's when we're in our Olympic center

or in our primal, you know, fight flight systems. We want our

kids to, like, lay that mile in, build those synapses,

get go ahead and grow your

staircase to your second story. If you think

about basement is the primal part of the brain, and then the main

level is the limbic center, and then the upstairs is the

part of the brain that does all the thinking. This process

of pruning is creating the staircase. Isn't that

cool? So we want our kids to be able to build that

staircase and be able to communicate better, manage their stress

better, make better decisions, have more empathy. Amazing.

Now if it's so amazing, why is it so

hard to have teens and tweens? And here's

why this staircase isn't built and it's not

built in a linear fashion.

It's kind of like some wrongs are built. You know, some parts of

the staircase are built on one section, and then this one is

over here. And There's some stairs here that lead to nowhere, and

it's a remodel. There's not really a a very

clear pathway to that prefrontal cortex.

And a lot of the pruning actually happens in that thinking part

of the brain, and it also a lot of it is happening in the

emotional center. And so your child

sometimes over the brain's over prunes itself. It cuts back

too many neurons. And then the brain

is like, oh, wait. Shoot. We actually do need to, like, know how to speak

kindly. So let's put those back. Like, oh, yeah. We do need to understand time.

Let's put those back. If you think of a two story house, under

renovation, and you imagine the staircase is missing some steps, like,

getting to that second story would be really challenging.

So it's all it was always hard when they were little, But, you

know, when they're like 8, 9, 10, it it all all it all

starts to seem like it's coming together for your kid. You're like, okay. I

think that You know, they kinda understand things. We're able to talk. They're

able to manage their emotions. And you have this little glory moment

with parenting. At that age where things seem to be

settled and then bam adolescents. And you're like, what the

heck happened? So what the heck happened? Puberty, influx of

new hormones. The brain is working hard to figure out how to integrate those. Second

thing, pruning. Though all of a sudden, You have this kid who

has less access to prefrontal cortex than they

used to. It's which is nutty. But

it is sort of the process of how the brain does

this work where it over prunes and you know, it

doesn't build mile in fast enough. Well, you know, it's just kind of like a

really a really bad contractor where you're like, what are

you doing contractor? And the contractor's like, I got a plan. Just

trust me. You know? And in 5 years, you'll have a wonderfully

built house. And you're looking at your twelve year old, like, I can't wait 5

years. Right? But you can. What kinds

of behaviors do you see during this period

that make it hard to parent? During this pruning period,

during this adolescent stage. 1 is

emotional regulation. So there's already

a lot of mood fluctuation. And if the brain,

it does some too much pruning or creates an imbalance. It

creates more emotional dysregulation. That's why

sometimes, thirteen year old will seem less

mature than a nine year old. And it really is

because there's so much going on in their in

their brain, like, in their development. Other

things you'll see are learning and academic

challenges. Pruning is good. It it creates cognitive

efficiency But sometimes temporarily, it can disrupt the learning

process. What that looks like is maybe difficulty concentrating,

difficulty organizing information, difficulty adapting

to a new educational challenge, like, you know, algebra say

or, the 5 paragraph essay or whatever it is, that

your kid is being exposed to. Sometimes we look at

what's the changes in the brain, and it almost looks like ADHD.

Was, like, impulsive, in attention, mood, instability.

That's sort of hallmarks of adolescence. And I want you to understand

that you're your kid can't really help it. Like,

they need support, and they need you to to come

alongside them slowly and give them the you know, give them

back their their thinking brain in some ways. So we

see emotional regulation. We see academic challenges.

And then the identity and self concept, which is a big

part of what your child is learning is who am I,

Right? The pruning can affect the way that they see themselves.

They are creating a new identity within their

not a new identity, but they're solidifying identity. They're trying on parts of

themselves and seeing if they fit. And You know,

like, oh, I'm really into skateboarding, say. And then it's, like, a

year later, you're like, you don't skateboard anymore. It's like, no. Not really. And

you're like, oh, I thought we were a skater now. Like, we're looking and going,

oh, they're a blank now. They're a blank now, but it's not really permanent.

They're trying on some things. We won't really know until the dust settles,

you know, 17, 18, 19, kinda, who they what their true interests

are. That's why it's really hard if you have sixteen year old and

they're trying to pick a major for college or pick a career. It's

like That is very challenging. When you have

no idea who you are, what you like, it feels like it's

changing all the time, and it's it's just really difficult

for our teens. So then you don't know. They're like, well, I used to be

really good at soccer. I don't even play anymore. I can't even, you know, I

don't even do it. They lost that piece of their identity, and sometimes

that can help, like, they lose a piece of their self

worth, their self esteem. The

other major thing that's hard for parents in this time is a risk taking

behavior. Essentially, the children experience

this dopamine differently. They don't have access to

decision making as well. They're in environments

where there's less adult supervision. And so you might see this

risk taking behavior. And that can it's totally

normal. It's natural. But it can sometimes lead

to mistakes, and that can really freak us out

as parents. And then sometimes socially, your

kids might show up and have social issues at this age and this

developmental stage. You know, you're looking at your kid and you're like,

hey. You can't treat your friends like that or do this or that, whatever

behavior, without having social impacts, or they're having those social

impacts. And the scary for you as their identity is evolving and

their brain, is it evolving? They're gonna have interactions

with their peers. Also, their peers' brains are also

undergoing renovations. So it's a pretty complicated

period of time for for all of them in their relationships.

People are you know, the kids are easily dysregulated. They don't know who

they are. They don't feel good about themselves, and then they

might take that out on other kids or try to people,

please, and act in ways that we don't

think are appropriate or we don't even recognize as, like,

who are you? Why are you acting like that? All that

behavior that's happening is totally normal,

but it is hard to be around. Right?

It's essential for our kids to go through this process of

adolescence. They have to, like, go through the puberty and

go through the pruning. In order to get on

the other side and be mature adults.

But in the middle of it, it's really, really hard. So I wanna

offer you just one tool today, one simple exercise

that can help you not feel

so overwhelmed. And what I've noticed with parents

and myself is that I get I look at the

kid in front of me. Right? I always say parent the kid in front of

you, not the one you wish they were or the one you're afraid they'll

become. And the one you're afraid they'll become is

really what I see happening for parents of teens. It's like you

look at your fourteen year old and you're like, you're in a jerk

and just making mistake after mistake. And it's just like,

ah, you've you know, you wanna, like, shake them and and also control.

I see a lot of parents getting, you know, really strict or really

lectures and and kind of trying to teach their kid right now. You

can't act like this. And really, The

perspective that I'm offering, you know, is that this is normal. This is natural. Your

kid is struggling. Right? They're not a total jerk. They're

actually almost having some sort of

issue, like cognitive issue because their brain is undergoing this

massive remodel. Understanding that,

then the tool is the positive parenting vision. This is a tool

that I teach in all my classes. And it's really a way to get

out of worst case scenario thinking. Because what your

teen needs from you while they're going through their

adolescent years is they need you to be doing your best

thinking, right, because they're not doing their best thinking.

They're very impulsive. They're very distracted. They're

very much working hard just to feel good all day long.

When we are also feeling impulsive

and distracted and we're working really hard, it can be

hard for us to then show up for our kids in a way

that's supportive for them. They're freaking out. Right? Their brain is under

this massive renovation. And they wanna look to

us and be like, okay. Am I gonna be

okay? Like, we're in this we're in storm, and we're on a ship

together. And you're the captain. And they're looking at you, and they're like, are we

gonna be okay? Are are we gonna ride these storms? Am

I gonna be okay? That's really what they're looking at you, and they're

wondering, am I gonna be okay? And if you're looking at them and

you're like, I don't know if you're gonna be okay. That's really,

really scary. So I want you to trust

that your kid is going to get through it, that they're going to be okay.

And how you do that is by having a positive vision of the

future. So getting out of worst case scenario and

getting into best case scenario. And your teen

then can borrow your belief because they don't have it. Right?

Feelings are contagious. And if you're worried about your

teen, Your team's like, uh-oh. I'm not gonna be okay.

And then that makes them feel stuck and maybe seek

feeling okay someplace else. Maybe with their friends in a

relationship or with drugs or with school, perfectionism

can also play into this. Right? They're like, oh, I'm not okay. So I better

do better. We're more and more and more. Or they're like, I'm not okay. So

fuck it. I'm out. Right? I'm just gonna, like, you know, give up. Those

are extreme examples, but we want our kids to

feel like, hey. My parent believes that I'm gonna get

through this. So and they're older than me. They've been through it. They're not

gonna give you any credit, just so you know, no credit ever. But in

their -- subconscious in their hearts. They're gonna believe.

Okay. I can take a deep breath. I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna weather this

storm because my parent says I am. So that

is where it's important to spend time picturing a best

case scenario. So in the classes that I teach, I give you

prompts and things like that. But right now, I just would love

for you to just think 10 years from now. So if

you have a fifteen year old, imagine them at 25.

And imagine the best scenario possible.

Picture where they live. Picture their friendships. Picture their relationships.

Picture the way that you connect with them. How frequently do you wanna talk in

a best case scenario? Just allow some

room to see the future as positive.

You can imagine any future you want because there's no it

doesn't exist yet. You can play this game with your brain, and

you can, like, go to hope and go to the future and be

positive. And your brain is gonna be like, don't be irrational.

You know, you can't think that. Why not? You can think whatever you

want. You can just make it fantastic.

Lincoln just left for college. And my brain sometimes

wants to freak out and tell me, like, he's definitely gonna fail out. And then,

have all these negative thoughts. I'm not gonna talk about them because I don't wanna

spend much time thinking of them. I just wanna think about, like, how much

success he is possible for him. How much he's matured,

how much he's grown, and who he's becoming. I love

it. Makes me smile. And that's the feeling I want you to have

towards your adolescents in your teens and your tweens.

So this is just the one of the tools that I teach in the courses,

the emotionally healthy middle schooler, emotionally healthy teen. I also teach

this in the emotionally healthy kids class, because it's such a

powerful mindset exercise. I teach a whole bunch of them in the

course. So if you kinda like this way of learning and you like kind of,

okay. I understand why they're acting this way and Now I wanna,

like, shift my perspective so that I can show up differently. If that's

your jam and you've got a middle schooler or high schooler, I

strongly recommend you sign up for the class, the emotionally healthy

series. Because in that class, I'm going to really

help you get clear about your role

and how to set limits, how to be, you know, how to

stop lecturing, how to listen better. That

way you don't feel so overwhelmed. I wanna help

you get those practical tools that You know,

nobody really ever teaches. Like, how do you actually say it? How do you

actually do it? What am I supposed to do if they don't clean their room?

Like, Darlynn, tell me the answers. I'm willing to tell you

sort of a strategy. So that's why I incur I encourage you to go in

the class and sign up. Those classes start the week of September

18th. The middle schooler class is on a on Tuesday.

Starts September 19th. It meets for 6 weeks. We're gonna meet

11 00:27:05

30 Pacific. For about an hour each week. For 6

11 00:27:08

weeks, you get the workbook, you get the class. Probably

11 00:27:12

there'll be around ten people, maybe less. I mean, some of my classes only have

11 00:27:16

three or four people in them. You don't have to talk if you don't want

11 00:27:19

to, but it's small, small group. So I can use your examples when

11 00:27:23

I'm doing the teaching. So I teach the concepts, and then

11 00:27:26

I open up for questions, and it's really great. So I

11 00:27:30

encourage you to do that. It's $397. That includes the

11 00:27:33

class. Of the workbook, and then you get 6 additional months of

11 00:27:37

support. So you get to be invited to the parent support group.

11 00:27:41

That meets on the 1st Monday evening of the month. Amazing

11 00:27:45

offer. Amazing class. I'd love to have you in there so you

11 00:27:49

can sign up at my website, which is calmmammacoching.com,

11 00:27:55

and the mama is spelled m a m a. So come,

11 00:27:58

mamacoaching.com. You go to programs. You see the courses,

11 00:28:02

and then you can sign up for the course. Classes are always available.

11 00:28:06

Really encourage you to participate to join my classes, get

11 00:28:10

into the call mama world, get my support so that you

11 00:28:14

can stop freaking out. And stop losing your shit with your

11 00:28:17

kids. So this week, work on your positive parenting

11 00:28:21

vision, really anchoring into best case scenario.

11 00:28:25

Shoot 10 years out, imagining the future, and

11 00:28:29

just know that your brain also is

11 00:28:32

not It's not rigid. Right? We all have neuroplasticity so you

11 00:28:36

can grow just like you learned on this podcast episode today. You learn some new

11 00:28:39

things. So the brain is always growing, always learning, always

11 00:28:43

developing, which is amazing, and what a gift. So I hope you

11 00:28:47

have a great week thinking about your best case

11 00:28:50

scenario, and I hope to see you in one of the classes.

11 00:28:54

Alright. Bye.