If your adult daughter has pulled away, stopped calling or cut off contact completely, you know what kind of pain? That's hard to explain to anyone that hasn't lived it. You replay conversations in your head, you wonder what you did wrong. You probably blame her. You feel a mix of hurt, confusion, maybe anger or desperation. Hope all of these emotions all at once, which is hard to hold that many different emotions at one time. And I bet everyone around you either tells you to give her space, act like you must have done something terrible to deserve all of this. Or completely sides with you further alienating your relationship with your daughter. If any of this resonates, this episode is for you. estrangement between mothers and daughters is more common than people think, but it's rarely talked about openly. Well, not so rarely anymore. I think it's being talked about openly a lot. Society judges, mothers harshly. When daughters pull away, like it's proof that you just failed completely as a mom. Maybe they're right. Maybe you did fail, but also maybe you didn't fail, but you aren't listening to her, which may just be a different kind of failure. The reality is often more complex than good moms versus bad moms. Most mothers whose daughters have distanced themselves are genuinely confused about what happened, but they aren't listening to understand their daughter's pain either. Most are desperate to understand and make things right because they want their daughters in their life, but they aren't taking the right steps to reconnect, and so what they want, they're not actually getting and further alienating the relationship. Today we're talking about why adult daughters pull away, what you can actually control in the situation and what you can't, and how healing yourself might be the bridge back to your daughter. Welcome to the Mother-Daughter Relationship. Show the podcast for mothers and daughters who want to build stronger bonds, deepen their understanding and transform their relationships. I'm your host, Brittany Scott, licensed therapist and mother-daughter relationship coach. After years of working with hundreds of daughters. And mothers. I've developed strategies that help break generational patterns, heal wounds, and create the loving relationships you've always wanted. Each week I'll be sharing insights from real clients, expert interviews and practical tools you can use immediately to improve your mother-daughter dynamic. Whether you're struggling with communication breakdowns, navigating major life transitions, or simply wanna take your already good relationship to the next level. The show is for you. And yes, the transformation I guide my clients through can be yours too. I'll share more about how you can work with me. It's time to experience the relationship you both deserve. Are you ready? Let's dive in. Hey, welcome back to the show. I'm your host, Brittany Scott. We're gonna continue on and just jump right back into the episode. Adult daughters pull away because of the accumulation of unaddressed pain. Estrangement rarely happens because of one incident. It's usually years of small hurts, dismissals, or patterns that just built up. Your daughter may have tried to tell you what was wrong in ways that you didn't recognize, or you completely just dismissed her pain. You may have denied the things that are very real for her and didn't listen. By the time she pulls away. She's exhausted from trying. Adult daughters pull away because of the different perspectives on the same childhood. You might remember doing your best. She might remember feeling unseen. Both can be true at the same time. Your intentions don't erase her experience. Your best may still not have been enough for her, and instead of accepting that and listening, you may be pushing her needs aside, which is going to push her away. Understanding that this is the first step toward healing the relationship with her is the best thing that you can do. Remember that her childhood is your motherhood, and because you don't remember her childhood the same way, doesn't mean that she's wrong. You're looking at it through the lens of your motherhood. You have to be able to change your perspective and understand what she experienced through the lens of her childhood. They're two very different things. Adult daughters pull away because boundary setting looks like rejection. Sometimes distance is the only boundary that feels safe to your daughter. She may have tried smaller boundaries that weren't respected. Maybe they were belittled or you just flat out crossed 'em with no regard. If she can't set boundaries with you and feel safe. Cutting contact might be her way of protecting herself, not necessarily punishing you. Adult daughters pull away because of generational patterns. Finally being broken. Your daughter might be the cycle breaker in your family line. This means she's willing to do hard things that previous generations couldn't or just didn't want to face. She's willing to choose different relationship dynamics and patterns because of how they make her feel. Her pulling away might be her healing. Even if it hurts you. She's choosing herself and I bet she would want you along on this journey. if she could trust that you would support her efforts. Adult daughters pull away because of the role of other influences. Now finish listening to this because just finished listening. They pull away because of the role of other influences. So partners, therapists, or friends are not turning your daughter against you, but they might be giving her permission to do what she's already been feeling. That's what I mean by other influences. She may have just needed permission and acceptance and trust that if she needed to pull away from you, she could, but. I can speak for therapist because I am one. I'm not gonna speak for other people in your daughter's life, but estrangement is not a goal that we help clients set. We would help your daughter to manage and heal from the emotions that come from a tough decision like estrangement. But this is a decision she made all on her own, not one we helped her make. Blaming others keeps you from seeing your part. You do play a part in this, don't overlook it outta shame or guilt. Face it so you can have a relationship with your daughter. Okay, now I wanna be clear. There are situations where adult children unfairly cut off parents without real cause, where mental health issues or maybe outside manipulation or playing a role, maybe a really significant role. But if you're listening to this, asking yourself what you might have done wrong. You're probably not in that category. The mothers who've caused no harm, rarely question themselves this deeply. So if you're questioning yourself, your daughter probably is not pulling away for no reason. We're gonna need to look at what is happening, what she has told you, and really taking into account what she has said and being willing to face it and take accountability. There are gonna be things that you can control and that you can't control during estrangement or low contact. You cannot control whether she responds to texts or calls. You can't control her timeline for healing or readiness to reconnect. You can't control how she feels about the past or about you. You cannot control who she decides to talk to about your relationship or what she decides to say about it, and you can't control whether she decides to rebuild the relationship at all. however, you can control your own behavior and responses moving forward. Even if they haven't been good in the past, you can control whether you get defensive or stay open to hearing her perspective. You can control your willingness to take accountability for harm, even unintentional harm, Just because harm was caused doesn't mean that you intended to do that, but. Your intentions and your impact were different, and so you have to be willing to face the impact of how things ha happen and landed for her. You can control how you show up when or if she does decide to reach out or if she's willing and open to talking or reconnecting with you, and you can control your own healing from this pain. She's hurting, but you're also hurting from the estrangement and you can address that and work through that pain and the hurt that it's causing for you. Let's jump into apologies for a little bit. So I'm sorry you feel that way isn't an apology, and I pray that you don't use it moving forward. I did my best. also isn't an apology. That may be very true, but it's not how you apologize to her. Real accountability means acknowledging specific harm without excuses. I know that this can be incredibly hard, but it's what's needed. An apology sounds more like, I'm sorry that you felt blank. I'm sorry that you experienced blank. That must have been incredibly hard. What do you need from me now? How can I do better today? How can I do better moving forward? Okay. The blank means you actually need to listen to what she's telling you. I am so sorry. You felt, what was it? I'm sure she's told you, or I am so sorry that you experienced, I'm sure she's filled in that gap for you too. What has she felt? What has she experienced? What do you need to be listening to? Okay, that's gonna be one of the first steps to getting her back. You have to be willing to look at it. You can't change what happened, but she's telling you because she wants you to know so things can change moving forward. She isn't telling you to hurt you. She's telling you because she wants a different kind of relationship with you. But you denying and dismissing her pain is not getting you that at all. Sometimes the best thing you can do is stop chasing her. Respect her boundaries. Even if it breaks your heart. Work on yourself whether she comes back or not, and I bet she will come around if you're actually doing the right things to show that you can create a new relationship with her. Okay, this isn't giving up. It's just giving her space while you heal, while you learn to take accountability and while you work through what emotions or pain are coming up for you when listening to her recount her childhood. Okay, because shame or guilt or hurt or confusion might be real things you experience when you hear her. When you hear her tell you what happened, okay? It's very real. But you do have to, as a mom, be willing to sit with both of them, sit with her in her pain, and also address your pain. That's just part of being a mom. Healing this kind of pain alone can be so hard. You shouldn't do this alone because the shame and judgment are isolating. Other people either blame you or tell you platitudes. Friends and family might take sides, which is really hard. You may feel like you can't talk about this without being judged, or you're scared to talk about it because you don't want to hear what other people have to say or how they're gonna look at you, and the isolation is only going to make this pain worse. You shouldn't do this alone because you may need perspective from people who've been there or are also in the same situation. Other mothers who understand this specific heartbreak might be really good for you to be in a group with women who won't minimize your pain or your responsibility. They'll hold both. You do have a responsibility to your daughter and you do have pain that you're feeling that's very real. And you shouldn't do this alone because the space where you can be honest about your feelings without judgment is so much better than just sitting in this in silence. Okay? If you're gonna take accountability, you also need to feel safe to do that. You can't examine your own behavior if you're in constant defense mode. That's not gonna work. That's, those two things are competing and one's going to win, and being in defense mode is going to win. You have to be willing to drop the defenses. A group of mothers doing the same work creates safety to look at hard truths, to examine your own behavior, to take accountability. Support and accountability. Together, those things help you grow, and you shouldn't do this alone because the grief that you're feeling needs to be witnessed and it should be witnessed by somebody. This is a big loss. Even if your daughter's alive, she's not a part of your life or she's a part of your life in a very small capacity, and that hurts, okay? That you all do have to grieve the relationship that you want with her, that you can't have right now. And doing that alone probably just gonna keep you stuck. Why not do it with other people? This is why I created groups for 2026. Bridge Builders is a group program for mothers whose adult daughters have distanced themselves or cut off contact completely. Women who want to understand what happened, even if it's painful. Mothers willing to examine their own patterns and take responsibility and accountability. Women who want a path forward, whether that means reconciliation or not, hey, this group will be honest. I am not gonna sugarcoat anything for you, but I'm also not gonna just blame you or blame your daughter. The goal is reconnection always. And so if you can sit in both truths and accept both realities, you can get to reconnection much faster. Okay? It's compassionate. We hold space for your pain and confusion. It's practical. You'll learn what you need to actually do to attempt reconnection with her. Of course, that's not something you can't control because she has to also want it, but you can know how to take the steps to possibly getting that. And I mean, it's led by me. Like, what more could you want? I'm just kidding. But it is led by me and I understand mother daughter dynamics and I understand both perspectives. I have a program called Reconnection Rescue. I help moms and daughters reconnect. That's one of my favorite things to do, and I love. Doing that work. So even though your daughter wouldn't be joining you in this, I can help you understand daughter's perspectives because I also work with them so I can help you take steps to actually reach her in a very real way, if you decide to join this group, you'll understand why daughters become estranged and what patterns contributed to that. You'll be able to see the relationship from her perspective, even if you don't agree with everything, but you need to be able to see from her perspective. That way real conversations can happen. You'll know what you can control and what you need to release. You'll be able to share your specific story and what's happening, and I can help you know, hey, that's not something you're gonna be able to control or do anything with. Your efforts are better lied in this section or this part of your story. You will have a clear path forward toward reconciliation, if it's possible, or just towards your own healing. And you won't have to do this all by yourself. you'll be among a group of other women who are doing the same thing or who are in the same experiences as you. So what happens if this group makes you realize that you are the problem, Understanding your part in all of this doesn't make you a villain. All mothers make mistakes. There is no perfect mom. There's no mom on this planet that can say she got it. All right? what matters is what you do with the awareness and what accountability looks like. Okay? Accountability is the real path to healing. It's not something to fear. What if you do all this work and she still doesn't come back? Well, that's part of what you can't control. You cannot control her choices, but you can control your own healing. This benefits you regardless of whether she decides to reconcile or if the relationship grows closer or not. Finding peace is valuable even if the relationship doesn't repair. What if the group blames you or takes your daughter's side? This group is for mothers and I'm gonna make sure that we hold space for your experience. I don't believe in mother blaming mothers and women get blamed enough for things that happen in this world and mothers don't. Mother alone inside of a vacuum. You mother in society, you mother in families, you mother alone, while people watch you and do nothing to help you or nothing to support you, there's so much that actually happens that go into daughters being hurt. And the point of all of this is that daughters want to be seen. And so you'll learn how to do that so you can have a better relationship with her. Okay? And while not blaming you, I'm still gonna make sure that I gently help you see patterns you might be missing. See, I want you to pay attention to what your daughter has said. I want you to take a real look at what she's trying to present to you. Okay, but I also wanna support you and I wanna teach you about accountability, and I want to help you. That's, that's always the goal. Losing a child is one of the most, if not the most painful experiences a parent can go through. Losing your daughter's presence in your life might feel almost equal to that. It's a loss, but she's still alive. You don't have to stay stuck in confusion, hurt or blame, or shame or guilt, like there's a path forward. Whether that leads to reconciliation or not, there is still a path forward If this group interests you or you know someone who it might send them this episode so they can listen to it themselves. But if that is you, head to my website, Brittany and scott.com. Learn more about the groups that are coming for 2026 and what I'm offering. Learn more about bridge builders. Fill out the interest form. The interest form is just so I can send you more information and help you make a decision. It's not anything that's pressure. Um, there's, there's no high pressure anything. It's just is this right for you? Here's the information you make that decision. Your daughter pulling away doesn't mean you're a monster. Like I said earlier, there's not a mom on this planet that can say she got it all right. But good moms are willing to take accountability and repair the relationship. Okay? Just because she's pulled away now doesn't mean that the relationship has to be over forever. There may be a path to reconnection. But I can tell you if she's pulled away from you, has decreased contact, or has cut contact all together, it does mean something needs to change. It means she needs something different from you. Bridge Builders will help you figure out what that is and give you the support to actually do it and teach you how to take the next steps and what that can look like or what that conversation can sound like. That is all I have for you today. I will catch you in the next one. That's all for today's episode of the Mother-Daughter Relationship Show. Thanks so much for spending this time with me. I hope you picked up some valuable insights that you can start using right away in your own relationship to create deeper connection and understanding. If something from today's episode resonated with you, don't keep it to yourself. Share it with the mother or daughter in your life who needs to hear this message. And while you're at it, please consider leaving a rating. And review so we can reach more families and transform the way mothers and daughters relate to each other. For those ready to take the next step, you can visit my website to learn more about my private coaching programs and my program designed specifically for mother-daughter pairs. Whether you're dealing with communication challenges, life transitions, or just wanna strengthen an already good relationship, I'm here to help. Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you in the next one.