Hello, my loves. We are going to talk about developing a sexual bucket list today. So I can't really think of many more fun topics and like fun goals to pursue. So I hope this is something that resonates with you guys. Um, and it could be something you take action on. I've also thought about Uh, leading this is a workshop.

So if that's something you're interested in, where we could go through some resources together and you and your partner could sit down or just do on your own and kind of like write out all the things that work for you, um, or that you hope to try, uh, at some point in your life, I think it'd be super fun.

So without further ado, , let's get into it. So let's say you decide to take on this quest, right? So you're like on this sexual quest and you're on your little journey. The first step is going to be to establish safety. You know, I'm big on like safety and consent and all those things. It's because they're actually really important to have like really wild, crazy sex.

Um, it's not that I'm like, let's just be boring. Um, it's like, no, let's have like lots of amazing, passionate, connective, wild, spontaneous, Um, and to do that, it really helps to kind of like establish the safety at the beginning. So then you're can actually be present and actually create something kind of awesome.

. So what does establishing safety look like? First of all, I want to do a little disclaimer here that, um, There's no such thing as a hundred percent safe, right? So you could do a really really good job of this and that doesn't mean you're gonna get it perfect and that doesn't mean Someone won't get physically hurt or emotionally hurt.

It's just like let's at least be intentional about it and let's at least be mindful About what we're creating and the type of space we're creating both for yourself and for any partners Okay. So that's going to look like no yucking of yums, right? So this is a popular phrase in the kink community.

Don't yuck my yum. So it's like, if I think something's super hot and sexy, don't come over here and kind of shit all over it and say, you know, Oh, well that's so weird. Or that's like advanced in like a derogatory way or like, why would you like that? Like you actually like that. So we're avoiding the like, Judgmental comments and the eye rolls and the tone, you know what I'm talking about.

So we're instead if you're a partner to something that you're like, Whoa, I can't believe you're into that. Um, you, it's okay to feel that or think that inside in your face might betray you. I'm, I have a very expressive face. I have a terrible poker face. Um, But you can quickly recover and kind of be like, Oh, wow.

Okay. Thank you for sharing that with me. Like I'm kind of processing still. So you can kind of say something more neutral like that. Um, and even, you know, bring in the thank you because it's like, Hey, this person is trusting you with something that they've maybe never told anyone before ever in their life.

Right? And so we need to kind of figure out like, how can, how can we be the safe space for somebody? Thank you. Um, I also, I'm going to just say like, let's set an intention with this. So like, let's have this be fun. Let's have this be sort of a hot, sexy, enjoyable, maybe lighthearted, maybe intense, but pleasurable either way type of conversation.

So just kind of setting that intention together at the beginning, I think, could be, could Very powerful. Um, this is not something that should like turn into a fight or an argument. If it starts feeling like, Oh, I'm getting defensive or I felt like you were being judgy, just, just take a break. Just be like, okay, well, it's just like, maybe we had a long day.

Maybe we're like a little bit overtired. Maybe we didn't like eat very well that day. We don't have a lot of energy. It's okay. Cut yourself some slack and do it a different day. Come back to it when you have more of the bandwidth. Another thing I would suggest is to let go of perfectionism.

So as a perfectionist myself, there can be this temptation to Kind of like get things right or be very thorough or only put things on your list that you're definitely going to do and commit to. And I just want to remind you that you can go back and edit things later. This is not like a book report.

You're not getting graded on this. There's no pass or fail even. This is for you. You're only creating this for you. And I think the important thing is like get started and have fun. Right? , The next thing I'm going to say is like when you're discussing this, create a bit of a container for yourself and your partner.

And so when a container is kind of just what it sounds like, where it's almost like putting a fence around something. So it's like, well, let's put a fence around this in terms of when do we want to meet up and do this? 8 p. m. Monday. Great. Okay. And what, when do we want to end it? 9 p. m. Great. Okay. And then I'm going to give you guys so many resources.

You know, maybe let's pick one resource or let's pick two. Let's, but let's decide together. What do we want to go through so you can kind of decide how much do we want to cover? How much time do we want to dedicate to it? You can also decide. Do you want to, like, put something sexy on or nothing at all for the conversation?

Or do you want it to be sort of a You know, less sexual conversation where it's like, we're not trying to turn each other on with the conversation. We're just trying to like have the conversation. Or you could really lean into, yeah, let's turn each other on with this conversation. Um, so you can really decide like what tone do we want to create?

That can be part of the container too. Um, and then you can also decide, do we want to kind of review some of these, you know, ideas or write down some of the things we want to put on our sexual bucket list? Um, First, and then come together and discuss, or do we want to just discuss the whole thing together and just kind of let our thoughts flow during the conversation?

Then the next point I want to make is what even goes on a sex bucket list, right? Is it, only sexual fantasies? Is it supposed to be only wild things? Uh, no, there's no supposed to. So let's, let's just like throw that out the window. It could be, I want to have sex not on the bed. Right. It could just be sort of, okay, here's what would kind of make for, and you can, and you can make a bucket list that is for a year.

That could be another part of the container. Hey, these are kind of our sex goals, you know, for the next year or a lifetime. Like, Oh my God, my fantasy is to have a threesome. Um, and I've never done it and let's make it happen. Right. And then that's something to actually work towards together. And it's, The idea of this bucket list is that a lot of us fall into a rut when we've been with someone for a long time.

, but the hope here is that you've established some emotional intimacy, some trust in each other, and that you can then have this conversation and intentionally bring some excitement and some adventure and some novelty back into your sex life and have sort of this shared goal that connects you.

You know, so it was like, in addition to the hot sex you're hopefully going to be having, you're also in the process on the journey together, which is connective. So it's, it's a win win if you ask me. Um, so certain things I think I mentioned in a, in a recent episode, one of the things on my bucket list is to have a touchless.

orgasm. And, you know, I've had some guests mention that they've had that. Um, and to me, it's all, it's just like a very cool, like, wow, the power of our mind and the mind body connection that maybe touch isn't even required. And I should preface waking, uh, waking touchless orgasm. So that would be something on my bucket list.

Um, It could be, so it could be something like that that's maybe not necessarily a fantasy but maybe more of like a goal or it could be something that's a fantasy. It could be a new position to try. It could be learning Tantra together. So many options, right? So, in order to get the creative and sexual juices flowing, you can find some inspiration in many different places.

So I'm going to list some out for you. One, your past experiences. What were times when you felt Really happy, satisfied, connected, turned on, where you can kind of go back and study that and think, ask yourself, what was it about that that like worked for me? Is it like, wow, that the partner I was with just made me feel like the sexiest woman alive or, , When I was with, , an ex girlfriend, she made me feel like the sexiest man in the universe or she just made me, made me feel very wanted.

Or I loved when I had a partner who was just very uninhibited. Um, because when you set these goals, The, the cool thing about it is like, then your brain goes to work asking questions and trying to figure it out. So it's like our brains are kind of like our employees in a way where it's like, it'll do what we focus on and what we sort of assigned to it.

So when we assign it something very sexy, it might like, let's say the threesome for example, cause that's the most common fantasy. It could be like, okay, do we care about the gender of the third person? Okay, so we got to figure that out. And then it could be like, okay, do we care about the age? , do we both have a type that would kind of overlap?

Do we care about that? Then it could be like, okay, where are we going to find this person? Um, how do we want to go about that? How much time do we want to put into that? Um, do we want to tell anyone? Like, are we like spreading the word or are we not spreading the word? Um, and so like all of that, there can be some, some little bits of anxiety, um, and stress, but not in a bad way.

Like a certain amount of stress is good for us. And especially if like, if you're pursuing a sex goal, it should be good feeling stress for the most part. Um, and it should be something that's like just pushing you over the edge, outside of your comfort zone. So, okay, so, so going back to your past can be a good strategy.

For sure going to your masturbation fantasies. Because, you know, you might be someone that has a certain visual, you know, that really works for you. Maybe it's like, oh, my fantasy involves my partner wearing a certain outfit. I just watched, , I think it was called Merry Gentleman, , on Netflix Christmas show about like an all male review.

So it's got me thinking about like construction outfits and like firefighter outfits. So it could be something like that. Maybe that's part of your fantasy. Um, is there an audio component to it? And so really kind of lean in and figure out what works for you. And if you don't know, Honestly, all that means is like, try some more stuff, right?

And the next resources are going to help you with that too. One other thing before we get into some of the try some stuff. Um, there's a book that I've mentioned before called, tell me what you want by Justin Lee Miller. And this book is great for just normalizing sexual fantasy. So if you're not sure where to start, I think that this could be a good place and it could also be something to review with your partner, even just like a chapter or two of it beforehand to kind of be like, okay, we're not weird.

Lots of other people want to do these things is okay. Like, look, there's this Okay, so I think that that book can be really helpful for that reason. And so then, and that can even be part of creating your container is like, okay, maybe we like read a chapter or two and like kind of help ourselves get more comfortable.

To get some ideas. So let's say you're like, ah, Heather, I don't know. I don't even think about anything when I'm masturbating or my sex life in the past sucked. I don't even know where to go with this. Okay, I've got you. So yes, no, maybe lists are a wonderful place to start. You can just Google that.

Yes, no, maybe list and lots of options will come up. They're not all created equal. So some of them are going to be more up your alley. Some of them are not. So you can even review a few of them, right? Some of them are going to be more on the vanilla side. Some of them are going to be more on the kind of kinky or adventurous side.

Um, so find one that works for you. And the idea of the yes, no, maybe list is that you review it. And you say yes to the things that are exciting to you, maybe that's sort of like out of my comfort zone, but it's not like a hard no. And then just like a flat out no, like, don't even bring this up to me.

This is just a no for me. Um, and so that can be fun to discuss with your partner and figure out, do we both have some yeses that would be fun to put on the bucket list? Another great resource is called WeShouldTryIt. com and that's great for you and your partner to do separately.

I mean, you could be side by side if you wanted to be. Um, you fill it out separately and you get the results only. So it doesn't tell you what you don't agree on. It only tells you what you do agree on. So that could be some fun stuff to put on the bucket list if you're like, I don't know where to start.

Beducated I've mentioned before, uh, the owner of educated was on episode 34 of this show. If you want to go back and check it out, but educated is like the Netflix of sex education. They have, I think over a hundred different courses on, All things sexual. Um, they have some that are very explicit and there's naked bodies showing you exactly what to do, and they have some that are less explicit.

, it's really kind of a choose your own adventure in that way. That can be another way to get some ideas. Another website is omgyes. com. This one is focused specifically on female pleasure, so that would be a great one if it's like, hey, my bucket list thing is to have my first orgasm, or my bucket list thing is to be able to orgasm every time or almost every time or more than half the time or whatever your goal is.

Um, but if it centers around, Female pleasure and or orgasm omgs. com would be a really great option. It focuses on Technique a lot more gives you kind of a shared language to kind of describe and explore different types of touch and different types of sensation and maybe encouraging certain like Breathing or combining breathing and touch in ways that you haven't thought of before or haven't been able to describe, another one, and this is one I've done with a partner before is FetLife.

This one is cool in the sense that here and there over time you might be like, Oh, like maybe you look at someone else's profile and you're like, Oh, I have that kink too. I'm going to add that to my list or

you're scrolling through and you see a sexy picture and you're like, Oh, there's like this damsel in distress scene. That's kind of sexy. I'm going to add that. Or, um, it could be basic. It could be like, Oh, there, there's a guy with six pack abs. Let's add that one in. Um, or there's someone with a certain kind of piercing.

Let's, add that to my fantasy list. And I want to say that about the bucket list in general. Again, this is not like a sit down once and never touch it again. And you're like committed and locked in for life. I'm like, these are the only sexual fantasies you can pursue. I think it's better when it's an ongoing journey and you can kind of add and subtract and change things as you grow and evolve as a human and in your relationship, you might find that as you try some things and as you kind of build trust and connection.

You wind up having more fantasies, um, or deeper fantasies or feeling enough safety and trust to explore some things that you weren't comfortable exploring before. So FetLife it's something where I had a partner asked me like, Oh, well, what, what are you into? Or like, what are your kinks or something?

And I was like, I know I have them, but I'm not remembering. So I was like, just look at my list. Here's my life and then we can discuss it. That's an awesome thing to have. Because I think a lot of us myself included in that example, kind of freezes up, you know, when the conversation comes up where it's kind of like, uh, I know.

I have sexual interests. They're all like just flying out of my brain right now and I can't remember. Um, or you might say like one or two things that come to mind and like forget about something else that you're actually really into, especially it's like if you're nervous, if you're uncomfortable, if it's a newer partner, if it feels awkward, if it's an established partner and you've never kind of talked about these specifics before.

So I do think. That having it written down in some way, you know, whether it's, I don't know that I would recommend the notes app of your phone, but put it somewhere safe. If it's going to be on your phone, um, put it in like the hidden file section, or if it's in Google drive, put a password on it, you know, like Do something to make it feel safe for yourself.

That could be part of this creating a safe container as well. Um, you can also go to workshops. You know, that was part of my exploring as well. It was going to workshops at sex toy stores, um, or at non profit like sex education, , places, you know, listening to podcasts. Podcasts are almost like a workshop.

Um, going to different meetups where people are discussing sexual topics. Um, There's a Facebook group, uh, that an acquaintance of mine runs called the Esther Perel discussion group on Facebook. Um, that's a great place where people bring up different sexual topics as well. So you know, sky's the limit.

Obviously this podcast, hopefully you occasionally get ideas here or books. So you don't have to be this like sexually creative genius. And you don't have to just come up with things for your bucket list out of thin air, right? , this is kind of part of how creativity works is like we have stimulus, some kind of ideas presented to us and then we notice our reaction to it.

So someone might say three, seven, you're like, Oh, I never want to do that. Someone might say spanking and you're like, Ooh, you know, and so you kind of have to tune into yourself and notice, like, do I get the little, delighted excitement, or do I get sort of the ick factor, right? And again, it might change, and it might surprise yourself, and it, you probably will surprise yourself if you go on this journey.

Then The next step would be, so now you've kind of gone through it, you've gotten your ideas, you've decided on like when you're talking to your partner about this, you've agreed to kind of not yuck each other's yums. And then the next step is to pick something, right?

So it's like, we're not just creating this bucket list for like shits and giggles, right? Like the bucket list is for you and your partner to like go after a sexual goal together. And I also want to add, this doesn't have to be with a partner. For sure, this can be a solo sex goal. It might be a goal to start masturbating.

Maybe it's something where you're like, I was taught this was gross and weird. And now I realize this is my body. This is not gross and weird. It's like who I am and how I was born. Right. Um, so it could be give myself my first orgasm or try a new sex toy or bring in more variety or masturbate more regularly so that I can kind of be on this journey of learning about what works for me and what's pleasurable and what type of touch and what speed, you know, there's just so many little factors that can be like delightful and sensual.

So pick something either to work on for yourself or to work on together or both. Then I would say like, again, this is kind of a living, breathing thing. This is not like, we did this assignment that Heather gave us on the podcast done. Um, I would say like pick something to work on, choose some kind of action item , to move you towards your, your bucket list goal, whatever it is, and then commit to revisiting it, right?

You can revisit it once a month. once a quarter, once a year. Um, I wouldn't do less than that. Uh, but have a check in to kind of be like, did we ignore that? Oops. You know, or did we take an action and then we got stuck somewhere? Where are we stuck? And so I think just setting sort of the next time you want to check in on it can be really, really helpful.

So I hope that this was inspiring to you guys. If you do want a workshop on it, let me know. I think it would be super fun to kind of like walk through this with people and maybe like create a little worksheet or workbook for you. To start working towards these goals and kind of answer questions as you're going through it, if people are feeling a little bit stuck.

, if you enjoyed this topic, if you enjoyed this episode, please leave us a rating and review for the show. Those helps us so much. I realized I haven't even been calling that out on recent episodes and the downloads went down a little bit and I was like, ah, so, so it matters. Every, every little bit matters.

And honestly, personally, I just love reading the reviews. Um, it's one of the few ways that I get to hear back from you guys because it is sort of this weird one directional conversation sometimes. Um, so yeah, so with that said, thank you guys for listening and we will catch you next week on Ask a Sex Therapist.

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