[00:00:00] Like even with getting cancer, I was like, you know, why me? Why did it have to happen? I was pretty young. I was 35. There was no history in my family. It was after the birth of my second child. It was tough. Within three months I gave birth was diagnosed with cancer and lost my dad.

[00:00:18] Wow. Wow.

[00:00:19] And so that was a lot. Right. And it's just, I was so focused on the why me that I didn't think about how that experience made me stronger and it helped propel me in a way. And it created a bit of a barrier to me in terms of my emotions.

[00:00:39] Yep. Yep.

[00:00:40] I had put up a wall. Right. But I needed that cuz I was in survivor mode and that's what got me through. But after a couple of years, What I've learned from you is I needed to shed that wall. It served me well long ago, but it wasn't serving me anymore. And it was actually causing me more pain. And I think that's what, sometimes it's hard to realize when to let go of baggage. That's not serving you anymore.

[00:01:08] Welcome to Why She's Winning with your host, Christy Rutherford, a master of office politics and self care advocacy. Christy's clients have received over 10 million in salary raises in a pandemic, surprised that women are still getting paid during these challenging times. It's possible for you too, you can have it all if you believe you deserve it.

[00:01:31] Christy and her guest will assist you with that. Let's get started.

[00:01:35] I wanna be clear to the audience. I am shocked and pleasantly surprised that Michelle indulged me.

[00:01:45] And yeah, you right. This is not typical for me to be willing to open myself up in this way. But I think it's important cuz I think especially women that are in higher levels or middle management? I don't think I'm the only one struggling with this, but I don't think people talk about it. I never talked about this with my girlfriends.

[00:02:09] We would get on the phone and complain with each other. All the time. And that was the norm.

[00:02:14] Y'all up it together.

[00:02:15] Nothing productive came out of that. But when we stepped at the house, our hair was combed. We had our nice suits on and you know, we were professional and we felt like we were carrying the weight of the world if we're in scenarios.

[00:02:28] And we're, I'm usually either the only black attorney or one of very few. And that was a burden that I carried, which wasn't helpful.

[00:02:38] So I'm gonna completely switch my questions. Because we're typically the only ones in the room and it is a burden when we're angry.

[00:02:49] Yes.

[00:02:50] And bitter. When you shift your perspective and you take joy into account, it's actually not that bad. Actually, people like you, like, they wanna talk to you, but you're to angry, they're not talking to you they go like this, Uhuh. Oh my God, here she comes.

[00:03:04] Right. Right. I agree. I mean, me being an attorney, I usually don't bring good news half the time, so it just made it even worse. And it just makes for a lot more pleasant experience to not have to carry this weight of being angry.

[00:03:22] And for some reason I had in my head that that's how I needed to be, to be taken seriously as a woman of color. And I think that was just wrong. My perspective, wasn't accurate.

[00:03:35] You know, I look at these pictures of these sisters on LinkedIn. You know, I screenshot a crazy looking woman every day and some women have scows on their faces in their headshots.

[00:03:48] And we think that means strength. And I just be like, somebody give this lady my number. Cause what's the point of, and these are press releases, Mitchelle. Like, yeah, you gotta scow in a press release in this huge promotion, but you're measurable. What is the point?

[00:04:07] Yeah. And I mean, I was that person though.

[00:04:12] You do.

[00:04:14] To me that a part of that was, you know, that's how you be professional. I wanna make sure as a person of color, they take me seriously. And it's just like, I would look at my colleagues and they would be, some of them looked like they were actually having fun. And I didn't give myself permission to experience that type of joy.

[00:04:35] And that was my fault for somehow thinking if I showed up as myself and I was authentic, that that wouldn't be enough. And I know authenticity has become a big cliche now and people talk about showing up authentic. But I don't know that people really understand what that means.

[00:04:53] They don't know what it means. They have no, you can't teach authenticity from an external perspective. So it's three things that really annoy me when I look at these corporate trainers, which that's my goal is to do more corporate training because let's really teach you about emotional intelligence. Everybody's talking about emotional intelligence.

[00:05:11] Self-awareness you have no idea what you're talking about. Executive presence is not you being taught to emulate anybody other than who you really are, cuz you're gonna be rejected. And then authenticity, how is an inauthentic person gonna teach you how to be authentic? And it is not a clinical term.

[00:05:31] It's actually joy. And you owning who you are. And then once that happens, then the confidence comes like you don't have to teach self confidence, teach me how to be happy with who I am in all of my dysfunction , which is actually my greatness.

[00:05:50] But I think something else that you taught me was that like, even with getting cancer, I was like, you know, why me, why did it have to happen?

[00:05:59] I was pretty young. I was 35. There was no history in my family. It was after the birth of my second child. It was tough. Within three months I gave birth was diagnosed with cancer and lost my dad.

[00:06:13] Wow. Wow.

[00:06:14] And so that was a lot. Right. And I was so focused on the why me. That I didn't think about how that experience made me stronger and it helped propel me in a way.

[00:06:26] And it created a bit of a barrier to me in terms of my emotions.

[00:06:33] Yep. Yep.

[00:06:33] I had put up a wall. Right. But I needed that cuz I was in survivor mode and that's what got me through. But after a couple of years, What I've learned from you is I needed to shed that wall. It served me well long ago, but it wasn't serving me anymore. And it was actually causing me more pain. And I think that's what, sometimes it's hard to realize when to let go of baggage that's not serving you anymore.

[00:07:01] Are we still recording? I'm like, am I gonna cut half of this to make this a, you know, let's be clear. I am enjoying Mitchelle's.

[00:07:14] I'm gonna get your name right. Michelle's. And we coach for a long time, I'm enjoying your share, right? Because I don't think that people understand how significant this is for you. But then the same thing is I wasn't trying to share my story either.

[00:07:28] Yeah.

[00:07:29] And God was like, no, you gonna share. I was like, I ain't saying nothing. Cause...

[00:07:33] And I mean, I think this is a thing though, and it's like, I didn't want it be viewed as a weakness. And I'm strong. I don't want nobody's pity. God forbid you. And it's just after while I was just like, like, I'm making it bad for myself by walking around just angry. And it didn't make sense anymore.

[00:07:57] And it just took me the individuals that you exposed me to, in terms of the readings, the videos, listening to like a Abraham Hick saying some concepts over and over again, to the point where I'm like, oh, you know what? This is kind of making sense. Like I'm, you know, these self-limiting beliefs and understanding that I kind of steer the car to my destiny. Like those type of concepts, like after a while, I started to think, okay, I can see how this makes sense. And how I need to kind of take control of how I'm showing up.

[00:08:34] When I think about sharing from the senior level, because you're not a scrub, I was not a scrub. We think we're by ourselves and our challenges. And that's what I learned after I've, you know, burned out. I got my stuff together and I started talking to other senior. I'm like, wait, I wasn't by myself in these problems. I thought that I was struggling alone and there is actually commonality the magic class as a group.

[00:08:57] So a lady was like, and I like 101, but I really loved the group because you don't understand the magic of being around other power women who are also on a journey to become better. And the support of women who are like you. So you're able to talk. And not be judged. And I think that's what I love about what we create.

[00:09:20] And the magic that we have is that, oh, you just be angry too. I used to be angry. I used to be mad as, I dunno what I appreciate you sharing. And then through all of this. When did we start working together? What was May or June? I don't know.

[00:09:34] Sometime during the summer.

[00:09:35] But within four months you ended up getting a promotion.

[00:09:40] Yeah, that was nice. And you know, what's crazy is that, I mean, I only feel like it's just the beginning. I'm definitely a work in progress, but now I feel like I kind of know what I need to work on. Yeah, the change definitely happened quickly. I mean, I think I was ready too for it. I just needed somebody to kind of push me along and to give me the tools that I needed. And I think the group coaching was helpful too, to your point to hear other women. Cause when I would, as I mentioned, talk to my other friends that are successful too. We didn't allow ourselves to be vulnerable with each other. And I mean, these are friends. Like these are people that were in my wedding. Yeah. But we don't know what's wrong with each other.

[00:10:24] Everybody lying.

[00:10:25] Yeah. We didn't go deeper than that. And a lot of it was passade.

[00:10:30] Yeah.

[00:10:30] So to kind of be in a group to see other successful women, but women that don't necessarily know me personally, I think allowed me to be vulnerable as well.

[00:10:39] So let's talk about this promotion because for me, and I always say we not going after the money, but we gonna get that money. Let's be clear, right? Like, for me, it's about healing first and being happy. And then the money comes. So did you beat on the door? Did you kick the door open or did the door open and they invited you in?

[00:11:02] You know, I mean, I think it was one of those scenario. It was easier than I thought I asked. I didn't sit and wait for the promotion cycle to go by and me looking and not see my name on the list.

[00:11:17] Woo. Yes.

[00:11:18] And I think to me that was the difference, right? I went and I said, I think I should be promoted. Like, I have the qualifications, you know, what do I need to do to facilitate the process of making sure I get promoted in this cycle? And I had never done that before. I would just be the person, the promotions are, you know, you get the list of who's promoted. My name's not on there and I'm pissed off and I'm walking around saying I'm qualified.

[00:11:47] It's kinda late, to talk about you qualified. And it's after the fact. Right. So I think that made a difference, right? Just saying that that's what I wanted.

[00:12:00] Period. 95% of the women, everybody talks about the gender wage gap. I'm like, look, we can get 30-40% raises in two months, because the women ask.

[00:12:10] Yes.

[00:12:11] You can't be mad, we're waiting for somebody to give it to us. But when you ask they'll be like, okay.

[00:12:18] And I think, and it wasn't. And I guess I was gearing up for the, NO, or you're not ready yet. And none of that happened.

[00:12:27] It's so funny.

[00:12:30] So now I'm just like, okay, I'm ready for what's next now, like, I kinda like how this happened. I wasn't in the space and that's where, for example, I was holding myself back cuz I never asked, I mean, this could have potentially happened years ago at other employers, but I never asked, I never had the conversation. And I never had the conversation in a way that wasn't threatening too.

[00:12:55] Oh, yes.

[00:12:57] It's not. I mean, it's not walking in saying, listen, I'm better than you, promote me or I'm leaving like that doesn't really work. I mean, that doesn't create an environment where you would wanna stay long term.

[00:13:12] You know, when I talk to women, they always talk about, I hate the people at my job. I'm gonna leave my job and I'm gonna go somewhere else. I said, but when you know who goes with you, when you go, you. Like if this is happening three jobs, at what point are you going to say? Maybe it's me.

[00:13:30] And that was me. This was the third job. And I would come home upset, talk to my husband and he's looking at me like, oh, here we go again. And I'm like, why are you looking at me like that?

[00:13:41] Same story.

[00:13:41] Because it's the same story, but I was like, you know, it's them. Then I was like, it's not them. It's just corporate America. No, I'm just not made for corporate America. That's what it was. But now I'm realizing, knowing in party was definitely how I was showing up.

[00:13:58] I'll say, listen, and then we'll close. But I just remember when you thought it was the job that made you miserable. And I was like, Ah, you know, I think that if you actually became happy, it is not your job. And you were like, what? It was like, I remember it was so many incremental breakthroughs with you.

[00:14:17] I had no clue. I was clueless. I thought you were gonna tell me all right, let's figure out how to get you out of the job. And you're like, no, let's try to be happy where you are. You know, I don't know.

[00:14:35] I was like, I'm not sure how this is gonna work out, but yeah, it was definitely me. And not that I'm where I am now, who knows what's to come, but I think there's definitely a lot. I think my future is definitely bright and the the different perspective I have, I think will serve me better.

[00:14:51] And it doesn't have to be that hard and it doesn't always have to be painful. And I think that's what I needed to accept too. It's it's living a life of joy as opposed to feeling like I needed to live a life of pain.

[00:15:05] Ooh, that was good. Put that on a quote card. Now you carried new habits into the new role. So the new role isn't crushing you.

[00:15:19] You know, I'm actually working less now and I'm working smarter and I am following what brings me joy. Now I actually have someone that reports into me and I was able to help her get promoted as well. And I'm delegating more and I'm more aware and because I have clarity, I see how I need to position myself to go even further.

[00:15:44] And I'm making room for that. I was on a hamster wheel constantly with no time to think, no clarity and wondering why I wasn't going anywhere.

[00:15:56] But this is the thing. Nobody should be mad that you got a promotion and you're not working harder like that's that's what Americans think.

[00:16:05] Right.

[00:16:05] You know, oh, I gotta grind more and I gotta work more. But now you're like, no, I'm working smarter.

[00:16:11] Yeah.

[00:16:12] I'm delegating.

[00:16:14] Right.

[00:16:14] I'm not dragging a baggage from my past. So that frees up 80% of your bandwidth. I'm making joy a priority. I actually wanna spend time with my kids and my husband.

[00:16:25] Yes.

[00:16:25] Because they like me now. So I can't stay here all day. And me chasing, never worked. I'm building the right relationships. I'm confident in myself and I can have pleasant conversations with people. That's really what it's all about.

[00:16:45] Yeah. It's really changing the story that I tell myself in my head. So I was that person. You would walk into my office and I was all business. I didn't have pictures on my kids on my desk. I didn't have pictures of my wedding, cuz I felt like I needed to be professional 24/7. Whereas now I'm having conversations about my kids. So then people are sharing about their kids and it makes for a more pleasant exchange.

[00:17:12] And that's part of when I say I'm working less like that doesn't feel as work as much. But to be honest with you, I think that makes more productive work relationships. I just wasn't open to making myself vulnerable in that way. And that's an example of an attitude that was holding me back. They didn't serve me.

[00:17:33] And this is why, Mitchelle, we're not getting in the rooms. We're not building the personal relationships. People sponsor and mentor who they know like and trust. They don't know you, they know your work.

[00:17:47] Yes. And if you're talking about real advancement, that's not enough. And I thought it was. And I was pissed off at other people who realized thet they need to do that and they needed to work on relationships. I wasn't thinking I need to change my strategy. I would just keep on working hard and be angry that I was sitting there working hard.

[00:18:08] Working all these hours and going nowhere.

[00:18:11] Yeah. I think about it. My strategy didn't make any sense.

[00:18:16] All right, this is so good. So we're gonna close Mitchelle.

[00:18:18] Okay.

[00:18:21] I'm so proud of you.

[00:18:22] Thank you.

[00:18:24] Not only, you know, again, one, you saying I wanna be on this podcast. I was like, what? Cause I know, this chick don't share nothing. But again, you know, that's a part of the growth, right?

[00:18:39] Like I was not trying to share my story. I was like, I ain't saying nothing. I was like, no, you going tell. I was like, I ain't. He said, I'm gonna give you money. I said, okay, okay, okay. So, I need the financial resources to support my bullshit lifestyle, but what I've learned is the more vulnerable I've been.

[00:18:58] That's how I got you. You know, that's how I'm able to serve more. And so the whole goal is whenever you understand that you need it at all. You're not embarrassed from your story. And there are people who need to hear your story. There are women who are waiting to hear your experience. So I appreciate you coming here and being vulnerable and sharing your insight to be able to pour into another woman because that's what we deserve.

[00:19:23] And we're not getting at the senior level. We're just not getting it. We're getting a completely different narrative. That's not working for us. And my goal is to change that narrative to say, no, you have the power stop thinking that it's them, that's gonna give it to you. You have to heal. And then allow you talked about it in the beginning, allow what's going to happen to unfold.

[00:19:43] And I think a big part of it is this goes beyond getting promotions. This is really about saving lives because a lot of us are burnt out and we're getting sick and we're dying as a result of it. And we're, not really understanding why.

[00:19:57] Yeah. Yep. But I almost died twice in a coast guard, like for real so I get it.

[00:20:02] Thank you so much. I can't wait to see what, and again, this is the beginning.

[00:20:08] Yeah.

[00:20:08] This is the thing is like, I'm eight years in the game. So as I continue to watch how miracle signs and wonders unfold for the women that I've had just a distinct honor to work with, that's where my joy comes from.

[00:20:23] I be like, woo. And then we celebrate. So I can't wait to see what happens for you the next six months. It's gonna be good. And then the next year, and then, you know, I think as we're grateful for each day that we now have on this planet, you know, let's live it and enjoy it, not in pain.

[00:20:42] Absolutely. And thank you for the work that you do. And your willingness to kind of push through too, because I was a bit reluctant. And you definitely kicked the door down for me. So I appreciate that.

[00:20:55] You know, that was a dangerous question that I was gonna ask in the middle. They'd be like, what is it like working with Christy Rutherford because I don't play, I expect results. Like, that's the thing. Like this is not gonna be some pansy hand. You're gonna mess your money and you're not gonna change.

[00:21:11] I think it's hard. Right? Cause you have a pretty aggressive personality. I would say. You come off kind of strong, but what happens is when you say stuff, it's like, oh, she cut me, but I can't deny that what you're saying isn't true.

[00:21:29] Yeah. Yeah.

[00:21:30] And if I really wanna work on myself and create change, if anything, not enough people are being honest within the rules to really force change. .

[00:21:43] Me an aggressive personality?

[00:21:45] Oh my God.

[00:21:47] What? I can't, what? But my desire, you know, a guy that I almost considered working with last year was like, you can only give your people what you can give them, but you can't make them change.

[00:22:01] Like you can't have that desire for them. And my goal is okay, so either I'm going, you know, we're gonna be nice about it in the beginning. And then I'm gonna put you in the headlock and be like, okay, that didn't work. But that's what type of leader I was in the coast guard.

[00:22:14] Right? Like, oh, that didn't work. I'm gonna sock you in a jaw. Okay, that didn't work. Okay, I'm gonna punch you. But it's only to make you better. So even if, and again, it's to interrupt the script that you have running in your head and it's to interrupt the patterns that have been solidified in your life for the past 40 years and the conversation that you've had supported with your friends for the past 20, 25 years, and then all the data where they tell you that you're going to stay this way and you should be justified.

[00:22:45] I have to do something to interrupt the script. And sometimes I yell, you know, sometimes I have to find the right words and a combination and be like, oh, and then you'd be like this. Ouch. That was kind of good, let me go chew on this.

[00:23:02] Yeah. And I think too, the part of just realizing it's you as opposed to it's everybody else.

[00:23:07] Yeah.

[00:23:08] That's a lot to digest, right?

[00:23:11] Yeah. Now, Michelle, I think it's you, you were like, I don't know.

[00:23:16] I was like, no, I don't think so. Maybe I need help on, you know, figuring out how to fit in better, but yeah, I mean, I think to get the results you need to do the work. And you push people to do the real work. And I think that's why you have amazing results with people like me and the rest of your clients. Like you gotta do the hard work and it's definitely looking within.

[00:23:40] You know, I'm coming for real change. I'm not coming for temporary change. Like you talked about, I go to yoga and within 10 minutes, somebody gonna send me an email and it's pow. Or we're taught to even, I used to wanna do yoga and sit in, they tried to smoke me out of incense and I was searching as I was burning out in my career.

[00:24:03] I'm searching for all these external things I had three therapists. Because Christy Rutherford couldn't be seen at a therapist. I'm the great Christy Rutherford like, there's no way I shouldn't even, nobody can know that I'm here. This is anonymous and they didn't help me move forward.

[00:24:19] They were just listening to me wallow and I was like, but wait, so are you gonna say something profound? Because I'm here to change. I'm busy. I'm an action oriented woman who can get results that I can measure in my job. I want to see that for me as a high achiever and so most people I'm just gonna say it, most people wanna just complain about their stuff. They don't wanna change.

[00:24:44] Yes. I agree.

[00:24:46] And so these therapists were just asking me questions and I'm like this, but what are we going with this though? Cause you know me, I can quantify. Alright, if I'm going, you know, bring this mirror out and I'm gonna look and you gonna dig up my skeleton.

[00:25:00] And they be like this. Okay. We're done. I'm like, no, wait, we got this thing up. You're just gonna leave it here and just, you know.

[00:25:07] Right. Like what I do with it now. Yeah.

[00:25:10] Yeah. So my goal is real change forever, not only with you. And then you see how your kids and your husband and then your family, and now your kids can now have a whole mom with a whole family.

[00:25:25] And then the whole dad, and then they produce whole kids and not be in therapy in the cycle of my mom came home angry every day. So I'm angry or I just melt when I see somebody who's angry. So now they can have that stability that you want for your kids.

[00:25:43] And I think too, A big part of it for me was you allowed yourself to be vulnerable with your clients. And for me, hearing your story hearing about how you're living your life now, hearing about your prior struggles was helpful to me, cuz then I felt like if she can be vulnerable, then maybe I can too. I don't think that happens in most coaching relationships, especially when you say it's executive presence or it's about advancing in work.

[00:26:14] It's kind of like, okay, I just want advance in work. Why are you talking about my personal business? Why are we going back to my childhood? What does that have to do with me advancing at work? Then you start to connect the dots and then it's like, okay, I kind of can't deny that there's some trauma that I just never dealt with and resolve that's showing up. And how I am at work and how I am at home as an adult.

[00:26:39] Mm. Well, we gonna bring you back. I gotta create something with you. I'll be like, I need to get some more information from her. You be like, what am I gonna create? It's gonna be something you be like, we gonna do a live show or something.

[00:26:52] But the thing is honestly, Christy, like you just don't understand, like, this is gonna be I'm nine years from survival. I was reading self help books. I was all about Brene Brown. Like I didn't just practice yoga. I did a yoga teacher training. Like I thought I was healed.

[00:27:09] And it's like, well, why am I angry all the time? If I'm supposedly healed, like I really at therapy, two coaches, like I was always committed to change and I was actually doing the work. I just wasn't doing the right work and I wasn't working with the right person. And maybe I wasn't ready. Maybe I still needed to have my experiences kind of before meeting you to really have that aha moment.

[00:27:38] but that's why I was willing to do this too. Like I wasn't one of those people that was totally in denial. I was putting in work, but I was still angry.

[00:27:47] Yeah. I tell people sometimes the work that they do lead them to me because if you can't do this work, you definitely won't be able to do the work that we do and is not that hard.

[00:28:01] But it is because you have to dig within you and it's all mental. So even like, is it hard? Not if you don't want it to be, that's why I was saying, cause you were gripped in it's like, when are you gonna let this go? And, and when are you gonna forgive? It's like I'm forgiven already know you haven't no, no, you haven't.

[00:28:20] I thought I was good. I really did. I was like, I'm done to work. I'm good, but OK. I'll do the exercise then. It's like, all right. Day one of forgiveness. All right. I'm good day two. Why am I crying? I don't know what am I going through.

[00:28:39] And it's crazy to be a part of the experience, like when you're looking at yourself, going through it and it's just like, wow, it's amazing to kind of see yourself transform and to go through the work. It's hard though. It's hard. And I think it's definitely, you have a framework that creates long term change, but it's constant work.

[00:29:02] I gotta keep reminding myself. And I think the way you structure the program is helpful too. So now I have my books and my recordings to know if I feel like I'm slipping or I'm not feeling that way. I still get up and say my affirmations, I am healthy. I am loved. And I say it with my nine year old daughter and I see it helping her.

[00:29:23] And she's excited to do it. So that makes me wanna stay in my joy as often as possible for her as well.

[00:29:31] This is so good. I mean, it's hard, but it's worth it. And you only have to do the hard stuff once. And I tell I had an earlier interview with Tuli where I had her forgive.

[00:29:43] She had an opportunity to forgive. And it was the mountain that was like right in front of her. So either you can go through it slow or you can forgive this one person fast. She was like, looking at me like she would just set me on file. Like's no way I'm doing this work. I was like, oh, you going to do it.

[00:29:59] She didn't want to, but she didn't come back the next week cause she didn't do it. But she came back two weeks later, looking 20 years younger, we were like, wait a minute. She came glowing like Bruce Leroy in the last dragon. And if you're over 40, you should know that movie like and we call her Tuly Buttons.

[00:30:18] Cause she looks younger and younger and younger. You can't go back because now you're aware. That's what self-awareness is. Like, you can fall back. Does that make sense? But you won't go all the way back to the bottom. So if you think the way a mountain goes, it does this. So if you fall down, you'll never go here again.

[00:30:38] And it's funny that you say that cuz every once in a while I'll start working too much and I'll feel it. I be like, oh, I don't feel right. Something don't feel right. You know, then it's like, oh, you know, I guess I haven't been meditating or walking outside. And then when I do it, it reminds me, you know, this is how I wanna feel.

[00:30:56] So I need to dedicate more time to the stuff again, that makes me, you know, feel this way, as opposed to me grinding all the time.

[00:31:05] There is no joy in grinding. I love it though. Cause you know, but the longer term effects of having joy and I think being proud of yourself where you are right now, but really it's like when it's time to go, you can go knowing that.

[00:31:21] For me, it makes a difference when how I look at death now. It's inevitable. And if I go, well, I'm going smiling. It's you know, because you're living more in the moment now where it's, I'm gonna do my best today in this job with my family, I'm gonna show up. I'm gonna be happy. So if it comes, you be like this, it is what it is.

[00:31:45] You know, it's funny that you said that cuz I still have regular scans and I had my set of scans, I think like two weeks ago. And I tend to get nervous. I tend to get anxious when that comes up. And I made sure I did my meditations and I'm usually really nervous. Like when I have to go under the machine and this time I was just like, you know what, I'm cancer free and it's gonna be all right.

[00:32:09] And I went through the test and the results were fine, but being in a better place, I was able to enjoy that, like before I was so anxious and I had in my head that this bad thing was gonna happen, that and of itself made me miserable.

[00:32:26] And at the end of the day, there's nothing I can do, if it happens that it comes back, I don't want it. And if it does, I need to know that I don't have regrets and I live the best that I could live. And I think to your point, why not go for being happy? Like there was one time, you know, after working with you, I was driving to my mother's and I was like, I feel joy in my heart.

[00:32:49] Like, it's the weirdest thing ever, but it felt so good. And I've never felt that before, but why wouldn't I wanna feel that more if I can help myself feel that more? Why not?

[00:33:02] Yes. It's just giving yourself permission. How crazy is that, we're grown people walking around miserable and you just gotta give yourself permission to just be happy.

[00:33:14] Yeah. It's crazy when you say it that way out loud, but a lot of folks are kind of stuck in that mindset.

[00:33:23] There is a quote from somebody I can't remember. It talked about, you know, being black in America, it gives you permission to be in a perpetual state of rage. And people were posting that and I'm like, that's the choice.

[00:33:36] And of course it's the unpopular opinion. Because of everything that's going on right now, I mean, and it's crazy, but like, yeah. I tell people, I'm aware that people are suffering. I'm not against, even though I live in a bubble. But I make a decision not to make their suffering a part of my suffering.

[00:33:58] I just, I can't. And people call it selfish, but it is what it is. Why am I going to bring myself down to your state of misery? How is that serving me? And how does that really serve my clients?

[00:34:09] You know, it's funny that you say that, cuz I've always had this perspective that I felt guilty, that I had achieved some of the things I achieved and other members of my family had not.

[00:34:19] And now I'm like, that's not fair. I should be proud of what I've achieved. And yeah, it's tough. Right. And I have all these thoughts in my head. I think that the concept of what's going on from a race perspective, I know it's there. I acknowledge it. It's horrible. I try to do my part, but it doesn't help for me to walk around miserable and mad all the time.

[00:34:40] I mean, what I realized, like I had to reduce watching the news. I had my 11 year old son that was just scared, like in his own house, that mindset doesn't help any of us live our lives. If anything, it causes us to compromise the way that we're living, but I can still acknowledge there's racism. I just don't need to feel angry all the time.

[00:35:00] I mean, it is whether I'm angry or not like me being angry, doesn't make racism go away. So I can I enjoy life for a little bit.

[00:35:09] When I think about what's happened this year affects how we're view in the workplace, it matters. And we'll claim that they're closing the doors. But is us and our anger that we're justified in.

[00:35:24] I'm justified to be this mad. This stuff is happening. They're not opening the door for me. And you're beating on the door, talking about why we're not in a C-suite and I'm like, you know, if you just heal and just be happy, they will open the door for you. They want us in the room. Nobody wants to be around a prune face. They don't warn it. And it doesn't matter who they are.

[00:35:45] Maybe that's not the right room for you, but walking around angry is not gonna allow you to find the right room for you to be in. Like it solves for nothing.

[00:35:54] I think about if the shoe was on the other foot or if we were in a country with the majority, and I'm sure there are organizations that have the majority of black women in it.

[00:36:02] We not gonna let a white woman in the room coming in that mad and angry, like, because we have commonality as eight to 10 black women in the room. And if somebody else of another ethnicity wants to come in here, she has to provide harmony in our joy. You can't come in here with discord, even if you justified it and we'll be like this, nope, you're not coming up in here, messing up this joy.

[00:36:26] Right. And a part of us, we feel like we have to have that attitude, right? Like once we're, we've kind of made it in the room, we want to make our mark and we have to show our strength. I really think we need to redefine what it means to be strong, especially for women of color. I think if we can do that, then that's huge. Cuz that anger feeds into that definition and it doesn't help us. It harms us.

[00:36:50] That sounds like your mission. See how I got excited.

[00:36:55] Here we go.

[00:36:57] Sounds like a part of your destiny. That sounds like a book to me. Redefine an anger.

[00:37:02] That's funny.

[00:37:03] Oh, you know I ain't playing though.

[00:37:04] But just like people wanna say black women are always angry. They also often wanna say that we're strong, but they use that word for the wrong reasons, oftentimes.

[00:37:15] When is that book coming out? I can't wait. I want the audio version.

[00:37:19] I mean, you don't disagree, right? I mean, that's part of.

[00:37:23] No, I don't disagree. I'm just waiting for you to flush out the details of the book. You know, how I do, you know how I do, this looks like a session right now. You be like, oh, oh, oh, that sounds real good. Let me Google to see if that's been, when you gonna produce that work. That sounds like a group coaching class that Mitchelle is gonna put on and put a price tag on it and be a part of her destiny to help more women heal, redefining strength.

[00:37:52] Yeah. We'll see, like I said, the future is bright. We'll see what comes from that. I'm open to it. Right?

[00:37:58] Definitely that. I mean, just think about when I was in my career, I'm like, hey, y'all let me walk around and act like that. Why didn't somebody save me? And a part of, you know, my decision to leave, I left for a hundred reasons, but I saw the women who retired before me, you know, no disrespect. That was not the joy that, because we think that, you know, and we see women who are above us, you know, you be like, oh, well, when I finally get this, I'm gonna be happy. You'd be like this, wait, nobody's happy.

[00:38:29] If all the women who retired sisters cause that's the difference. You be like this, so I'm gonna fight you. Cause I gotta fight. I'm going to fight for that reality that I can see, you know, what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna turn right here and I'm just gonna run in the darkness and and we're gonna see what happens and it all worked out.

[00:38:51] Yeah. That's a tough one too. Right. But that doesn't even deter us from pushing and just being angry that we're not at the seat. Even though we look at the person in the seat and we're like, I don't want to be that person. Isn't that crazy?

[00:39:05] Oh yeah. I told her all the time.

[00:39:06] Like it's psycho, when you think about it, that's kind of psycho to think that way.

[00:39:11] It's insanity doing the same thing and expecting different results. You're gonna end up just like that person and you won't change.

[00:39:17] Right.

[00:39:18] So many people are trapped doing it. Millions of people around the world. Millions. It's sad.

[00:39:23] Yeah. It is sad.

[00:39:25] So we're gonna dance cuz we're still in this full moon energy. So I'm gonna get some.

[00:39:29] Okay.

[00:39:29] Yeah. I'll show you my video later, ladies and gentlemen, three keys from Mitchelle, dance, meditate, walk outside.

[00:39:37] Forgiveness.

[00:39:38] Forgiveness Mitchelle.

[00:39:42] Thank you. All right, take care.

[00:39:44] Thank you for joining us. Be sure to subscribe to this podcast and leave us a review if you love this episode, follow Christy on Instagram and LinkedIn, and don't forget to get her free gift by texting "changenow" all one word again, "changenow" to 66866. Until next time go out and win bigger.