242 - Maintaining My Present Peace

[00:00:00]

Cold Intro

[00:00:05] Baya: I come back to the point where I feel so peaceful right now. And I'm scared that when I meet her, that then that gets disrupted. And then I have issues to actually deal with that.

[00:00:16] Baya: I, I feel so peaceful now. And I'll basically like why open a can of worms is what it feels like right now. Yeah.

[00:00:51] Damon: I'm Damon Davis, and you're about to meet Baya. She called me from Basking Ridge, New Jersey. Baya was raised in Germany, the home [00:01:00] of parents raised in post World War II Germany, And, with an abusive older brother. In her town, everyone knew Baya was adopted, and even she knew who her birth mother was. But to this day, Baya has not reached a point where she is ready to take the next step, to be face to face with a woman she has known about her entire life.

[00:01:21] Damon: This is Baya's journey.

[00:01:23] Damon: Baya was raised in a small, medieval village in the south of Germany, northwest of Munich, between Stuttgart and Nuremberg in Bavaria. what her village was called, she said,

[00:01:36] Baya: Dinkelspüle.

[00:01:39] Damon: I'm not even going to pretend to pronounce that one. In her family, Baya was one of three kids. her older brother is adopted, like Baya. Their younger brother is biological to their mother. But the order of their birth does not suggest the order in which they entered the family.

[00:01:56] Damon: Baya was the first child in their home, as an infant. [00:02:00] Second was her older brother, then third came her younger brother, who is biological to their mother.

[00:02:06] Baya: So, It was kind of always around the fact that we were adopted and it was not a secret or it was And it was talked about even like sometimes , almost like jokingly , like if there was maybe an argument, I love you, you know, I wanted you I adopted you Yeah, it was like it was always out there.

and What stood out a little bit was that even though I'm the middle child, I was adopted before my older brother because he was from an orphanage when he was a little bit older. And I was adopted as a, from the incubator actually.

[00:02:46] Baya: So that was a little bit of a dynamic, the fact that I was there first. And then when he came, in story goes that I actually got sick and big rashes and stuff because I couldn't deal with it as a baby that then [00:03:00] he came after me and was adopted after me. But so that's in the family.

[00:03:04] Damon: You got sick or,

[00:03:06] Baya: Actually physically it manifested like I got big rashes.

[00:03:09] Baya: , On my bum and things like that as a baby. Yeah,

[00:03:13] Damon: really? I forgot about that.

[00:03:14] Baya: Actually, only now that we're talking, I'm remembering it. Yeah.

[00:03:17] Damon: So what was the dynamic for you and your siblings , getting along with each other? How did you, were you guys a tight unit? Were there some differences?

[00:03:25] Damon: What, tell me about how you got along.

[00:03:27] Baya: , we, my. My younger brother and I got along super well. Like there was, I think we still sometimes joke about it saying, I'm going to, I'm saying there was one argument ever. He will probably tell you there was no argument ever. We're very different people.

[00:03:42] Baya: He's super calm and kind. I'm not saying I'm a kind, but I'm like I'm just a little bit. You know, fast and active and loud, and he's very calm. And so the two of us, we got along really well. I watched out for him. I remember doing his homework for him [00:04:00] and cleaning up his room I don't know who I was, but I actually did that.

[00:04:04] Baya: And then my older brother, though neither my younger brother nor I got along with him at all. And that's putting it mildly. I mean, he terrorized us. My older brother, he terrorized

[00:04:15] Damon: ways. How was terrorism look like in your family?

[00:04:18] Baya: He, he beat me pretty hard. He, yeah he beat me very hard on and all the time.

[00:04:25] Baya: And. Yeah. Like physically abused me, not sexually, but physically, you know, just dominated me too, but not in a normal sibling rivalry way. Now, I mean, I don't think there's a gauge for that, but it felt really life threatening to me. And I don't know what he did to my younger brother. I don't remember him doing all those things to him, but my younger brother.

[00:04:50] Baya: I'm neutral to my older brother because I believe that he became who he was, or he did that because of what he went through in the orphanage and not in the orphanage, but his biological [00:05:00] parents and all, and then the orphanage. So I'm neutral, you know, I've I'm okay. I mean, it wasn't fun. It was rough, but I'm okay.

[00:05:06] Baya: I'm neutral, but my younger brother still won't talk to him. So I don't know what happened there.

[00:05:12] Damon: Oh, that's really interesting. So your sense is that the circumstances that led to your older brother even leaving or being pulled from his family and then potentially his foster care led to what he saw as family and his emotional outlet.

[00:05:31] Damon: Is that what you're saying?

[00:05:32] Baya: Yeah. I mean, I'm not a psychologist or psychiatrist or anything, but growing up I learned sort of about the concept that the earlier something happens in your life, the more impact to even to the point in the womb, you know? So I do think about, you know, me being adopted and not being wanted in the womb, how has that impacted me?

[00:05:54] Baya: But I, So I've grown up with that thinking that the sooner something happens, the more impactful it is. And [00:06:00] obviously it was pretty negative for my brother. So I, I thought that's where that came from. And then, and that's where I'm leaving it. Yeah.

[00:06:07] Damon: Gotcha. Wow. Tell me about your relationship with your adoptive mother.

[00:06:13] Damon: How did you get along with her?

[00:06:14] Baya: Um, I mean, my relationship with hers, I would say with Any mother child relationship, sometimes good, sometimes not good I mean, not, not like a, how do you say not like a house on fire? We didn't get along like a house on fire. But I I appreciate her for a lot of the things that she brought to me in my life and that I've learned through her with my dad was very sick with that type one diabetes.

[00:06:41] Baya: So. So I've, even though it wasn't like the warmest, fuzziest upbringing, because it was very structured with the diabetes, I learned a lot from her so that I would say the risk, the relationship is one of maybe not the warmest and fuzziest, but I really appreciate [00:07:00] some of the pieces that, that she has brought.

[00:07:02] Damon: It sounds like it wasn't warm and fuzzy, but you have respect.

[00:07:07] Damon: Do you, as you reflect back now, as an adult, you're a mom, you know what it's like to have kids. Do you think she struggled with you adoptees? Was it the diabetes? Was it the amalgamation of your older brother's behavior and the diabetes?

[00:07:28] Damon: Like just a lot on her as a mom that perhaps didn't allow her space. To be loving. Or do you think it was just her personality? What do you think it was the source of it?

[00:07:38] Baya: I think a lot about nature and nurture. So for sure, there's a lot of nature there as well. But in terms of nurture Being from Germany, my grandparents were the ones rebuilding after World War II. What that meant is they started with, you know, a pile of, how do you say, rubble. And they had to rebuild the country and they weren't around for their kids.

[00:07:59] Baya: So [00:08:00] my mom didn't have warm and fuzzy growing up. She had, survival mode. So she carried I think that is a part of her that she wouldn't have known what it's like. And then you add the pressure of my dad's type one diabetes. And because back in the days they didn't have the programs they have nowadays, you know, they didn't have the help or the structure or the science.

[00:08:22] Baya: And and for sure, my older brother compounded it with this behavior in the family. So I think all around it, it wasn't easy for her. And then it comes the nature to that.

[00:08:33] Damon: Yeah. I think a lot about. This concept of basically what happened to you. I'm really big on this book. What happened to you?

[00:08:42] Damon: It's Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Bruce Perry, who I just interviewed. And I'm talking about it a lot now because the conversation I had was so impactful and you've already raised a couple of things the time and timing of a trauma, which you've alluded to with your adoptive brother, right? That. If in his family and [00:09:00] in the womb and in foster care, he was exposed to trauma, then he would behave a certain way towards you.

[00:09:06] Damon: But I'm also sensitive to what you said about your mom. The fact that how she was parented is reflective of how she parented you, right? You can only bring the skills that you have to something. And if she grew up in a time that was Post World War II, extremely globally traumatic, but her family was right in the thick of everything, being in Germany, basically, forgive me, the enemy of the world that got bombed to smithereens.

[00:09:42] Damon: I cannot imagine how a young lady who grows up in the aftermath and rubble of that destruction, not to mention that sort of level of global hatred and challenge that came from Germany at that time. And I know the country is very much trying to recover from [00:10:00] that image, but I can see how it would be really challenging for a person to come out of that with any level of loving skills towards being a mother with you, the very next generation behind her.

[00:10:11] Damon: That's really interesting.

[00:10:12] Baya: Yeah, she was, she had to, she told me as a six, seven year old, she walked by herself to the town store with her little, I don't know what it's called in English, where you have a little doll, like a doll cart. And my grandma had put in the shopping list underneath the blanket of the doll.

[00:10:30] Baya: And my mom went to the store. It's a six year old, they packed a little doll cart full with what she was supposed to buy, handed them the money and then walk back home.

[00:10:41] Damon: Wow. It's six years old. She was doing family shopping. Cause the family presumably was recovering, doing other stuff.

[00:10:47] Baya: Yeah. They had to work and rebuild.

[00:10:49] Damon: Unbelievable. Wow. How about your relationship with your adoptive father? You've said that he had type one diabetes. There was a very sort of structured regimen around his care. What was your [00:11:00] relationship like with him?

[00:11:02] Baya: It was very reserved. He's so I'm born in the South and he's from the North and temperament wise.

[00:11:11] Baya: So I don't know what you would call it. This. The North is much more conservative than the South. The South is the one with the beer parties and the beer festivals and the beer mugs and all that. Yeah, so he was very reserved. And then the whole family dynamic evolved around meal times, fixed breakfast, fixed lunch, fixed nap, fixed dinner.

[00:11:31] Baya: Everything involved around his needs to keep him, because he wasn't supposed to live past 40. He was a dentist, so everything was designed to keep him in the best shape possible for as long as possible. So always took precedent. He was very calm, quiet, reserved.

[00:11:48] Baya: And then there was always that rhythm, you know, that discipline that dictated everything, which, but it didn't, I mean, that's, it's not a negative, it wasn't a negative thing. It actually was a, an anchor. I didn't [00:12:00] realize that. Felt as a kid, it felt a little bit restrictive because I mean, I was one of the tennis talents in town and got this extra training and I had to like barter or beg to go to that cause it collided with dinner time.

[00:12:16] Baya: And it was very restrictive but other than that, it felt really like an anchor, something you can count on, you know, Yeah.

[00:12:23] Damon: Grounding in knowing that here's the regimen. The structure, the schedule, I know where I need to be. And the flexibility is in between those points.

[00:12:32] Baya: Yeah. That's really fascinating.

[00:12:33] Baya: Yeah. And from him, I have, cause my life hasn't exactly been easy, but I'm navigating well and I'm at peace. And sometimes we're like, are you missing a chip? And I'm like, no I'm just really calm. And I think I have that from my dad. Cause he always said that today's the best day I'm going to have.

[00:12:49] Baya: He knew like back in the days, you know, it was just downhill from there. He's like, today's the best day I'm going to have. And he always showed up the best way he could. And so that, that was my relationship with [00:13:00] him. He was an anchor. I learned a lot from him just to roll with the punches, I guess.

[00:13:05] Baya: Yeah. But in a very structured way, if that makes sense.

[00:13:09] Damon: As a kid, Baia used to be really into art and drawing, writing and poetry. Then she got very into tennis. But all of a sudden one day, Baia decided she wanted to be a triathlete. Swim, bike, run. she said at first she had to borrow bikes and she had to build her endurance to run further than a modest distance.

[00:13:32] Damon: but I can tell you that adult Baya has turned into a competitive beast. She also shared that as she's grown up, she has really embraced social gatherings And the impacts of parties to experience community. My curiosity turned to bias desire to find her biological relatives and when the thought took hold for her to try to find anyone she was related to.

[00:13:54] Damon: She said, the feeling has been with her her whole life. Baya told me that growing [00:14:00] up, her biological mother lived only five miles from her house. And she knew the woman's name. had she truly wanted to, she could have just walked up and tried to meet the woman.

[00:14:10] Baya: adoptive mom, she always said that if I wanted to go meet her, she would support me. But I never quite, I didn't quite 100 percent trusted that I wouldn't hurt her. She said, it's okay for me if you want to meet her.

[00:14:25] Baya: And I wasn't sure I wasn't going to hurt her. So I didn't, and it wasn't important enough at the time for me to do something that could potentially hurt her. That's the best way to put it. And then and I didn't really my adult early adult years when I was at the university of things like that, I didn't really think about it too much.

[00:14:45] Baya: Only when I had, I have two sons, Max and Sam and my younger one who is 17 now. We were, I remember we were living in South Africa at the time and he was about three years old and then. We were looking at animal books [00:15:00] and by baby cups and the moms. And I don't remember what triggered it, but he asked about me and it came out that I'm adopted and he.

[00:15:10] Baya: he had to wrap his little head around that. And he's actually the one that started asking questions and starting to nudge me a little bit to go deeper and consider it more, or, you know, to think more about it. so I, from that point onward, I think I was, I didn't dismiss it as much.

[00:15:28] Baya: I, you know, before I was always like, yeah, I'm good. , I didn't want to do that because I didn't want to hurt anybody. I don't feel like I need to fill a void. I feel very whole. And so after he started asking questions, I think I was less dismissive about it. I think I stopped and assessed a little more.

[00:15:47] Baya: And then actually my fiance, Brian, he, I've been with him for almost 10 years and he was always asking questions. So, okay. So now we've got Sam asking questions. Then we got Brian asking questions. I'm like, okay, [00:16:00] universe. And you know, and then, Yeah. And actually Brian, he, Brian came to Germany.

[00:16:07] Baya: He's from the U I mean, he was originally from Barbados, but he lives in the U S as well. And he came to Germany with me and he must've had some magic because my mom's telling me details about my adoption that I had no idea about. So I guess this it's, yeah, it's taken this long to sort of. Slowly peel back some layers, but none of that makes me necessarily run and want to meet her.

[00:16:33] Baya: I'm, I think I'm just very curious about the details, my background, becoming more curious about that rather than it's not about meeting her. It's more the opportunity me for me to dig deeper. I think into myself and my ancestry and all that.

[00:16:50] Damon: Yeah, what I'm hearing is you saying that for a while you kind of pushed it away, you know, [00:17:00] that when it crept up, you pushed it away.

[00:17:02] Damon: But as more and more people started asking about it. Your own curiosity kind of crept up more and you allowed it to versus pushing it away. Is that roughly correct?

[00:17:14] Damon: Yeah, what do you

[00:17:15] Damon: think? Tell me a little bit about your Brian's interaction with your mom What kinds of things did you hear that you had never heard before when she was talking to him?

[00:17:23] Baya: Yeah I'm laughing because we were sitting at a restaurant and I still remember in a basement, I had this heavy wooden tables and when my mom started talking, my face, I have apparently a face for everything. My face went like this and Brian started kicking me under the table so I wouldn't say anything.

[00:17:38] Baya: So she wouldn't stop. But well, I mean, the big thing was when I learned actually that A kid that I went to school with that kid was actually supposed to be adopted by my family and I was a bit supposed to be adopted by somebody else. And yeah, and I mean, back in the days, the [00:18:00] adoptions, I would call it were.

[00:18:03] Baya: brokered manually. And it was not a closed adoption. Actually, my whole hometown knew I was adopted like on the playground. Oh, you're adopted. Yeah. And my mom actually figured out the details of who was supposed to go where and changed some details about that. That was really, yeah.

[00:18:20] Baya: When I heard that's when my face was like, yeah. That's in no book.

[00:18:26] Damon: That's crazy. So it sounds like what was happening was the manual brokering allowed for some intervention, right? That she was able to offer some opinions. That's really interesting.

[00:18:40] Baya: That's what other kinds of things did you get the

[00:18:42] Damon: Brian pull from her?

[00:18:43] Baya: I think that was the big one. In my head, I'm crossing over, like, I don't remember some of the details as when I got them, but I don't know if I'm blocking out other things because I went into shock when I learned that at the table. Yeah. But that would be the big one.

[00:18:57] Damon: Baya said she has wrestled with that [00:19:00] knowledge since she learned it just a few years ago. Imagine she knew her birth mother's identity, even as a child, and knew where the woman lived. Then, as an adult, Baya learned that her adoptive mother had input into the selection process of her arrival in her family's home, as well as who the other child was in that selection process.

[00:19:22] Damon: I was really curious about how Baia learned about her birth mother's identity.

[00:19:27] Baya: My adoptive mom was super transparent with me. She didn't tell me her name for a long time. I remember actually being in the village one time and my mom pulling me to the other side of the street when a lady was walking down and I'm convinced that was my birth mom. So it wasn't all that open at first.

[00:19:43] Baya: Yeah. She said, Hey, if you want to meet her, I'll help you. But that I could see where this is coming from. I still got that sense that I would hurt her. But my mom actually eventually gave me my adoption papers and the name is in there, the full name.

[00:19:58] Baya: And then she told me [00:20:00] details along the way. Sometimes she told me that I have two stepbrothers. She told me like here and there once in a while, something about her. And sometimes, I mean, I remember Coming back from wherever I was living in the world. And my mom had organized for somebody to pick me up.

[00:20:16] Baya: I didn't even know the person and I get in the car and the person's like, Oh, you're such and such. you're adopted. Your birth mom is X, Y, Z and lives there. And I'm like, whaaaaat? So it was like, it wasn't a secret at all. Yeah. It's

[00:20:30] Damon: astonishing how open it was in your community. You know, you said people at the playground knew and this person who picked you up knows and knew the identity of your birth mom.

[00:20:40] Damon: I mean, it's really interesting to hear. How openly everybody kind of knows the identity of you and your birth mother. That's fascinating.

[00:20:47] Baya: Yeah. I think that last part how that came out, that people knew the identity of her and the name. I don't think that was, I don't think my adoptive mom loved that.

[00:20:57] Baya: And I, you know, and everybody knowing in the playground [00:21:00] or in town, that's one thing, the fact that you're adopted, but then, That last part, who she actually was, I don't think that was supposed to happen.

[00:21:09] Damon: Brian and Baia had flown to Germany for a visit, sat down with Baia's adoptive mother for dinner at a restaurant, and somehow Brian was able to get answers to questions about Baia's adoption she had never heard before. but that wasn't enough to nudge her to go and meet the woman who gave birth to her.

[00:21:28] Damon: Baia chuckled a bit When she shared that she was having a bit of a midlife crisis when her desire took hold. Her health was suffering. She had some deeply impactful things happening in her personal life and work was really challenging. Baya realized at that time in her life that she needed to stop and change something. So, she went deep into her yoga practice, focused on alternative healing, and did some work on her inner child. That meant Baya was looking into her ancestry and the details of her [00:22:00] past.

[00:22:01] Baya: I actually did end up going to a, on a trip to Germany. And I did put it out there.

[00:22:05] Baya: I did in my mind, I was like, okay, and I'm going to meet her. But then now looking back, I don't know, I'm assuming I got cold feet. I didn't do it, but that's how it started last year. That I went really deep and and started tracing things. And then that was, that became more of a part than in the past.

[00:22:21] Baya: It was more from me rather than others nudging me. Maybe, okay. It started with others nudging me, but then last year it was really me going deep and trying to connect the dots more.

[00:22:32] Damon: Let me just go back for a quick sec, because you mentioned something that I have noticed a lot of people recoil from. Some folks feel weird saying my inner child and that inner child work, but the more I've talked with folks, I realized that is a serious thing that inner child stuff is there, that drama, the issues, the how we were raised, the history that we have in our lived experiences [00:23:00] in our adoptive families.

[00:23:02] Damon: Is a very real thing that shapes us as adults. And so I think I would just encourage people not to necessarily feel weird saying my inner child stuff, because the inner child is quite literally the foundation for which you are now an adult. And so going back to do some work to repair some of that stuff.

[00:23:23] Damon: absolutely has value. So it just struck me that the way you said it, you know, so then what did you do? You went to, you were in Germany, you said you put it out there that you were going to do it, but you got cold feet. Tell me what happened and then what'd you do next?

[00:23:41] Baya: Actually my brother, my, the way I was supposed to spend my time in Germany shifted significantly because my brother got sick and then I don't know if something else happened and it was enough for me to have an excuse.

[00:23:54] Baya: I would say it was an excuse that I didn't do it. So the way things shifted, I'm sure I could have still pursued it, but I use it [00:24:00] as an excuse not to. there's no big story. I just, it's like, okay, maybe this is not the right time.

[00:24:06] Damon: You needed an out, and you got it.

[00:24:08] Baya: Yeah.

[00:24:09] Baya: That's

[00:24:09] Damon: what happened. So then what happens?

[00:24:12] Baya: I mean, that was only a few months ago, so I don't know. I don't know.

[00:24:20] Baya: What

[00:24:20] Damon: do you think about in terms of trying to go meet her now then?

[00:24:23] Baya: You know where I'm at right now and especially speaking to you today my new excuse, my new excuse is okay, so I meet her once and then what?

[00:24:35] Baya: Well, you just rock up and you were like, Hey for, I don't know, a half a day, or maybe I'm in Germany for a week and maybe I see her a few times and then watch. So she's probably what? 70, 75. I don't. So that's my latest excuse. So then where do I go from there? So that's where I'm at. It's like, okay.

[00:24:53] Baya: Picturing. Okay. I'm going to meet her. And then what? And what is that meeting for? Is it to bring healing to me? Is it to [00:25:00] bring healing to her? Am I, who am I upsetting? I don't know. That's where I'm at.

[00:25:04] Damon: What are your first answers? What comes to mind for you then? Who, what is the meeting for?

[00:25:09] Damon: First thing that comes to mind?

[00:25:11] Baya: I think it would be for me. Yeah, I think it would be for me, but I'm, I think where, as I'm sitting here talking to you, I'm, I come back to the point where I feel so peaceful right now. And I'm scared that when I meet her, that then that gets disrupted. And then I have issues to actually deal with that.

[00:25:31] Baya: I, I feel so peaceful now. And I'll basically like why open a can of worms is what it feels like right now. Yeah.

[00:25:38] Damon: Yeah. There's a lot of not rocking the boat.

[00:25:43] Baya: Yeah, exactly.

[00:25:44] Damon: Right. Yeah. I'm here. I'm calm. I'm settled. Why would I introduce any new stress? Into my life, Yeah. And I know, you know, you and I've talked before, I know to some degree, the kinds of things you've been through in the last couple of years, it [00:26:00] is a lot, and I can see how you would feel very settled in where you are now, if you've reached any level of healing and, overcoming some of the personal challenges.

[00:26:10] Damon: Like, why would you introduce something as potentially traumatic as this, right? Because there's a lot that could possibly go right and wrong for lack of better words. You know, you could get yourself hyped up to meet this lady and then find out that it was kind of a letdown. And then you ask yourself, why would I even have gone through this if I knew this was going to happen?

[00:26:31] Damon: But then on the flip side, you could find some revelatory sort of new connection that you didn't even realize you wanted or needed. And a lot of adoptees do get that. There's this, I'm glad I was face to face with this person. I'm glad I got to hear from her mouth what the situation was. You know, I'm glad that she was able to tell me who my birth father was.

[00:26:55] Damon: Any of that stuff can be fulfilling for people, even if they don't [00:27:00] end up landing in a meaningful relationship with the person that they've connected with. So it's a 50, 50, right? It's impossible to know.

[00:27:08] Baya: I mean, what's drawing me more to it is I know that working on my heritage and my ancestry line is part of my inner child work and it will actually benefit Max and Sam.

[00:27:20] Damon: Sure, learning by his ancestry line could be important information to have for her sons Max and Sam, but by hiss ancestry line culminates in her from two directions, her maternal and paternal sides. to this point, We have only explored her curiosity about her birth mother, so naturally I asked Baya about her desire to ever meet her birth father.

[00:27:43] Damon: Baye told me that the man has already passed away, but she revealed something else very interesting about him.

[00:27:50] Baya: Same thing. I mean, I knew he was in my hometown actually and know who he was. I know what his profession was. I know his children are and I've [00:28:00] met him. I mean, I, he was part of the town when he was alive.

[00:28:03] Baya: I didn't know that he was my birth father. Oh. So I've met him. But not You met him and didn't know. Yeah. Yeah. I met him and I didn't know. .

[00:28:10] Damon: Fascinating. So then when you reflect back on having come face to face with this guy, but didn't know he was your adopted fa, I mean birth father. Like, how does that sit with you to know that you've met him, but didn't actually get to acknowledge even in your own mind, let alone saying out loud that he was your father.

[00:28:27] Baya: I never thought about that because the whole world is so focused on the mother. I never even thought about that. I would like what that would make me feel like. I haven't even started to scratch on that one. I don't know.

[00:28:42] Damon: it's a really interesting. challenge that some people have is having this connection to their biological family, but not actually having the opportunity to process it.

[00:28:53] Damon: I mean, these people sounds like they were so close to you, but you've not actually gotten the opportunity [00:29:00] to openly engage with them. It's really, it's an interesting dynamic you have and you're not alone. I'm sure others have it too. .

[00:29:07] Baya: Yeah. I mean, we're talking one one street over growing up, one street over for your biological father.

[00:29:12] Baya: Uhhuh .

[00:29:14] Damon: Wow. For real. That's crazy.

[00:29:16] Damon: So what do you think you're gonna do?

[00:29:18] Baya: I

[00:29:22] Baya: I think I have to take a deep breath and actually I, I do wanna meet her because even, you know, like you said, there's that, that, you know, it can go either way. And I am a big believer. At a certain point in your life, you can argue for either side of the coin. You just need to choose which side of the coin you want to be on.

[00:29:43] Baya: And I think that I want to make the choice. Of the side of being on meeting and then argue for the pros of that. Cause I do believe that at some point you can just choose and then argue for each side. That's what I'm thinking.

[00:29:57] Damon: Yeah. If I could add something, [00:30:00] I think the work you're doing to get right with yourself is the most important piece.

[00:30:06] Damon: Because to me, when you go into this, if you're not comfortable with who you are and what you want to be on the other side, regardless of what happens, it could be really challenging. So, I love that you said you're doing the work to, on your inner child, your own healing and stuff like that. Because that's a next level of foundational work that I think will make you really healthy going into trying to meet her and therefore potentially recover better coming out the other side.

[00:30:42] Damon: I think if you haven't done that work and sort of recognized, , this is me by I'm going to be fine no matter what happens next. . I've got my fiance. I've got my two boys. I've got my life. I'm grounded in these ways. Feels like if you're, if you don't go into it with that being really strong, it could be [00:31:00] really challenging.

[00:31:00] Damon: So I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting until you feel like you've gotten that pretty solid. But I do think that, Time waits for no one. And so, you know, get there when you can, and then get to see this lady and see what you can learn and then go back to your life if that's what's appropriate.

[00:31:16] Damon: You know what I mean?

[00:31:18] Baya: I do know what you mean. Yeah. Thanks for that.

[00:31:20] Damon: Yeah, my pleasure. I definitely wish you luck. Well, I hope what you will do then. Is reach out to me another time after you have finally gotten yourself right, eliminated excuses and made space to try to meet this lady. Cause I think there's something that folks will say in the adoptee community is there's the person you are before reunion and then there's the person you are after.

[00:31:43] Damon: And I think I like to see that juxtaposition for folks to see what they think of what their opinions are, what their feelings about their adoption and their reunion were, and then how they feel on the other side. So I hope you'll come back and share some of that. Okay?

[00:31:59] Baya: [00:32:00] Absolutely. Thank you so much, Damon.

[00:32:01] Damon: Of course. My pleasure. Thanks for being here. Baya.

[00:32:04] Baya: Thanks for having me.

[00:32:05] Damon: Yeah, sure. Take care.

[00:32:08] Baya: You too. Bye.

[00:32:15] Damon: Hey, it's me. Bayer grew up in a German home with multiple competing influences and priorities. She had creative and athletic abilities that she had to advocate for herself, battling the abuse of her older brother, the regimentation of prioritizing her adoptive father's health, and living under the parentage of her adoptive mother, a first generation survivor of World War II Germany.

[00:32:43] Damon: It was fascinating to hear that everyone in town knew Bayer was adopted. And that she knew the identity of her birth mother when she was a girl. But even today, as an adult woman, she is working through whether her adoptive mother will truly support her connecting with her biological mother. [00:33:00] and if she is in a place in her life to even venture down the road of meeting the woman.

[00:33:05] Damon: Someone asked me recently if I recommend adopted people meet their birth family. I said, I try not to give concrete answers, as everyone's situation is different. As is the case for Vaya. She has the information she needs, but solidifying the inner work, and calculating whether she wants to compromise the comfort she feels in her life now, are both important factors in her next steps.

[00:33:29] Damon: I hope you'll think about your own journey with similar intention before you go forward with reunion. Unprepared. I'm Damon Davis, and I hope you've found something in Bias Journey that inspired you, validates your feelings about wanting to search, or motivates you to have the strength along your journey to learn, Who Am I Really?

[00:33:51] Damon: If you would like to share the story of your adoption and your attempt to connect with your biological family, please visit Who Am I Really podcast today. Dot com [00:34:00] slash share.

[00:34:00] Damon: You can follow me on Instagram at Damon L. Davis and follow the podcast at W Ray. I really, if you like the show, please take a moment to leave a five star review in your podcast app or wherever you get your podcasts, your ratings really do help others to find the podcast too. And if you're interested, you can check out my story in my memoir, who am I really available on Amazon, Kindle, and audible.

[00:34:26] Damon: I hope you'll add my story to your reading list.