1 00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:04,979 In the previous chapter, we began by exploring people’s habitual communication styles, and how we 2 00:01:04,979 --> 00:01:12,030 might start to use self-awareness and observation of others to better establish non-verbal rapport—the 3 00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:14,080 first task in any conversation. 4 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:20,321 It might seem strange for a book on communication to say the following, but it’s true: Good 5 00:01:20,321 --> 00:01:27,420 communication is a natural, normal human ability, and it’s something that anyone can do with 6 00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:29,400 ease. 7 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:35,329 You might then ask if that’s the case, why are so many people so bad at communicating? 8 00:01:35,329 --> 00:01:41,439 The answer is that communicating well is simple and easy, but we first need to remove the 9 00:01:41,439 --> 00:01:45,369 formidable barriers that stand in our way to doing so. 10 00:01:45,369 --> 00:01:48,290 This is what can be difficult. 11 00:01:48,290 --> 00:01:53,710 People are only able to communicate at the level that their inner psychological barriers 12 00:01:53,710 --> 00:01:54,799 allow them to. 13 00:01:54,799 --> 00:02:00,719 For example, if there are two people, and one person has amazing communication skills 14 00:02:00,719 --> 00:02:05,420 but the other is trapped in a core belief that conversations are battles they need to 15 00:02:05,420 --> 00:02:10,399 win, then the conversation will never move beyond this battle framework. 16 00:02:10,399 --> 00:02:17,800 Basically, one’s emotional state, beliefs, habits, personality, and general attitude 17 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:22,520 to life are the ultimate limits to how well they are able to connect to and communicate 18 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:24,820 with others. 19 00:02:24,820 --> 00:02:30,260 Certain psychological states will improve your ability to both send and receive a message, 20 00:02:30,260 --> 00:02:32,959 while others will undermine it. 21 00:02:32,959 --> 00:02:38,530 With that in mind, what barriers are there, and how can we replace them with something 22 00:02:38,530 --> 00:02:41,260 more useful? 23 00:02:41,260 --> 00:02:43,680 Assumptions. 24 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:49,600 Assuming is simply coming to a conclusion you don’t strictly have evidence for. 25 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:53,230 It almost always leads to misunderstanding. 26 00:02:53,230 --> 00:03:00,430 Communication, after all, is about learning about the other person and their message. 27 00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:06,260 If we think we already know all there is to know, then why have a conversation at all, 28 00:03:06,260 --> 00:03:07,260 right? 29 00:03:07,260 --> 00:03:11,670 Imagine that a boss doesn’t give detailed instructions to a new employee because she 30 00:03:11,670 --> 00:03:15,470 assumes that the employee will already know how to do the task. 31 00:03:15,470 --> 00:03:18,840 The employee doesn’t and so fails at the task. 32 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:24,280 Here, the barrier of assumption has stepped in and prevented any real communication from 33 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:29,409 happening, but it can also rear its head once communication is underway. 34 00:03:29,409 --> 00:03:33,950 If you’ve ever had an argument and both found yourselves saying things like, “But 35 00:03:33,950 --> 00:03:40,860 I thought you meant X!” then you likely were both guilty of making assumptions. 36 00:03:40,860 --> 00:03:48,200 In conversations, it’s so easy to assume that all the mental models, frameworks, systems 37 00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:54,700 of meanings, values, and definitions that we hold are neatly shared by other people. 38 00:03:54,700 --> 00:03:58,900 We forget that they have their own goals and interpretations of events, and they may have 39 00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:04,670 their own understanding that can be identical to ours, completely opposite, or anything 40 00:04:04,670 --> 00:04:06,380 in between. 41 00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:10,620 How do we know what kind of world the person in front of us is actually inhabiting? 42 00:04:10,620 --> 00:04:13,439 Well, we communicate with them! 43 00:04:13,439 --> 00:04:15,720 And this means no assumptions. 44 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:17,880 Instead, ask questions. 45 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:26,840 Pretend you are a reporter or documentary filmmaker or alien from outer space ... or 46 00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:28,500 all three. 47 00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:32,699 Empty your mind of any preconceptions and don’t guess. 48 00:04:32,699 --> 00:04:37,320 Ask the other person to tell you what they think and feel. 49 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:43,729 Sometimes, with some topics, you’ll need to confirm even this, because after all, we 50 00:04:43,729 --> 00:04:47,100 all use words and ideas in different ways. 51 00:04:47,100 --> 00:04:51,009 Think of someone asking someone else to marry them. 52 00:04:51,009 --> 00:04:53,170 That person says yes. 53 00:04:53,170 --> 00:04:56,530 But what exactly have they agreed to? 54 00:04:56,530 --> 00:05:04,900 How big is the overlap between their respective understanding of the word “marriage”? 55 00:05:04,900 --> 00:05:06,590 Aggression and Anger. 56 00:05:06,590 --> 00:05:14,880 We’ve already seen that aggressive (or passive-aggressive) communication styles cause upset and don’t 57 00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,910 even achieve the person’s communication goals anyway. 58 00:05:17,910 --> 00:05:23,980 But for obvious reasons, anger, resentment, or even rage can be serious obstacles to effective 59 00:05:23,980 --> 00:05:25,090 communication. 60 00:05:25,090 --> 00:05:30,830 It’s simple: To communicate, we have to make contact. 61 00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:36,920 We connect with someone else, and this requires us to let our guards down and become receptive 62 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:39,910 and open to what the other person is sharing. 63 00:05:39,910 --> 00:05:46,169 If the other person is angry, they will come across as a threat—and why would you ever 64 00:05:46,169 --> 00:05:48,880 be receptive to a threat? 65 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:54,789 Most sane people will close off to aggression and disconnect in an effort to protect themselves. 66 00:05:54,789 --> 00:05:59,850 This means that if you are leading with anger, you are automatically creating a condition 67 00:05:59,850 --> 00:06:03,940 in which communicating cannot take place. 68 00:06:03,940 --> 00:06:09,820 Think about that: You cannot communicate with a threat, real or perceived. 69 00:06:09,820 --> 00:06:12,380 You can only defend against it. 70 00:06:12,380 --> 00:06:17,780 If you lead with anger, you can only expect defensiveness from the other person—and 71 00:06:17,780 --> 00:06:20,000 this gets you nowhere. 72 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:23,690 Instead, own your emotions. 73 00:06:23,690 --> 00:06:28,900 Feeling angry is not a problem; approaching someone else with hostility and aggression 74 00:06:28,900 --> 00:06:30,350 is. 75 00:06:30,350 --> 00:06:34,289 The alternative is not to force yourself to pretend to be calm. 76 00:06:34,289 --> 00:06:39,699 Rather, it’s to own your feelings and identify them as belonging to you. 77 00:06:39,699 --> 00:06:45,780 Instead of blaming the other person or directing your emotion to them, hold that emotion as 78 00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:50,730 something that belongs to you only. 79 00:06:50,730 --> 00:06:55,630 Using “I” statements will mean you can say, “I feel so overwhelmed right now,” 80 00:06:55,630 --> 00:07:00,660 instead of, “You’re stressing me out!" 81 00:07:00,660 --> 00:07:02,069 Preconceived Attitudes. 82 00:07:02,069 --> 00:07:08,160 Here is the question yet again: What is the point of communication? 83 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:10,250 What is it for, ultimately? 84 00:07:10,250 --> 00:07:15,970 The way you answer this question shows you the attitude you hold toward communication. 85 00:07:15,970 --> 00:07:22,250 For some people, conversations are a fight or a courtroom drama or a way to prove how 86 00:07:22,250 --> 00:07:24,310 “right” and worthy they are. 87 00:07:24,310 --> 00:07:31,120 For others, the point is to get their needs met or share and express or simply reach outside 88 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:36,500 the limits of their own inner perception and connect with another human being. 89 00:07:36,500 --> 00:07:42,940 Naturally, the attitude you have to conversations will depend on the beliefs you hold. 90 00:07:42,940 --> 00:07:47,780 These beliefs also include the habitual roles you’ve always assumed in conversation with 91 00:07:47,780 --> 00:07:49,500 others. 92 00:07:49,500 --> 00:07:55,470 Do you routinely show up as the therapist, comedian, drill sergeant? 93 00:07:55,470 --> 00:07:59,950 Are you always preaching and explaining, or do you repeatedly defer to others and let 94 00:07:59,950 --> 00:08:01,470 them lead? 95 00:08:01,470 --> 00:08:05,720 None of these orientations are right or wrong in themselves. 96 00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:12,470 But if you are a) unaware that they are there in the first place or b) constantly communicating 97 00:08:12,470 --> 00:08:22,169 with people who don’t share your attitude, then you can expect conflict and misunderstanding. 98 00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:28,099 One especially big impediment to effective communication is negative self-image, or low 99 00:08:28,099 --> 00:08:30,440 confidence. 100 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:35,779 This acts like a kind of filter in which every message you receive from the outside world 101 00:08:35,779 --> 00:08:40,690 can only ever be interpreted in a way that makes you look inferior. 102 00:08:40,690 --> 00:08:45,279 Most of us have never considered that low self-esteem can distort communication, but 103 00:08:45,279 --> 00:08:50,930 really, if low self-esteem is the inability to hear a message that paints us in a good 104 00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:54,770 light, then that’s precisely what it does! 105 00:08:54,770 --> 00:09:00,980 Instead, practice compassion—for self and others. 106 00:09:00,980 --> 00:09:05,010 Really good conversation is supremely democratic. 107 00:09:05,010 --> 00:09:08,660 There are no winners and losers and no hierarchy. 108 00:09:08,660 --> 00:09:13,590 Take a deep breath and put yourself on an even keel with the other person. 109 00:09:13,590 --> 00:09:19,540 Try to shelve any ideas about who is playing what role, and compassionately encounter the 110 00:09:19,540 --> 00:09:26,760 person you find as you find them—your equal. 111 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:28,980 Fear. 112 00:09:28,980 --> 00:09:33,649 Aggression impedes communication because it puts the other person on the defensive. 113 00:09:33,649 --> 00:09:39,190 But if that person is already on the defensive, the conversation is already impacted. 114 00:09:39,190 --> 00:09:43,530 Defensiveness is essentially putting up a wall. 115 00:09:43,530 --> 00:09:48,290 Trying to communicate through a wall is not easy, and it usually results in one thing: 116 00:09:48,290 --> 00:09:51,740 confusion and serious misunderstanding. 117 00:09:51,740 --> 00:10:01,170 This is sometimes why fear and aggression can lead to communication 118 00:10:01,170 --> 00:10:06,120 breakdown; the more walls that are put up, the harder it is to hear one another, and 119 00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:12,329 in the confusion, more fear and anger are created, necessitating even more walls ... 120 00:10:12,329 --> 00:10:14,589 A person who is fearful is not listening. 121 00:10:14,589 --> 00:10:16,470 They are not curious. 122 00:10:16,470 --> 00:10:22,320 They are not focusing on anything other than their own self-preservation, and this makes 123 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:26,399 them a bad conversationalist on the most fundamental level. 124 00:10:26,399 --> 00:10:32,980 Have you noticed how, after watching a horror movie, the bedroom that seemed perfectly innocent 125 00:10:32,980 --> 00:10:38,980 yesterday now seems riddled with potentially frightening nooks and crannies? 126 00:10:38,980 --> 00:10:43,970 Fear can make us see things that aren’t there and, in communication, can make us detect 127 00:10:43,970 --> 00:10:46,390 threats where there aren’t any. 128 00:10:46,390 --> 00:10:50,000 Naturally, real connection will be stunted. 129 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:53,959 Instead, relax and be curious. 130 00:10:53,959 --> 00:10:58,870 One way to do this is simple: ask an open-ended question. 131 00:10:58,870 --> 00:11:02,980 You don’t have to lower your walls entirely, but at least be curious about what’s on 132 00:11:02,980 --> 00:11:06,570 the other side! 133 00:11:06,570 --> 00:11:11,810 Inflexibility and Need for Control. 134 00:11:11,810 --> 00:11:16,070 When you get together with someone and have a conversation, anything can happen. 135 00:11:16,070 --> 00:11:21,910 The thread of the talk can go in any direction, and at any one moment, the words either person 136 00:11:21,910 --> 00:11:27,250 says could steer the thing in a completely novel and unexpected direction. 137 00:11:27,250 --> 00:11:29,360 And this is a good thing! 138 00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:34,930 When two people get together to communicate, there is a chance for them to co-create something 139 00:11:34,930 --> 00:11:38,060 that is bigger than the sum of both of them. 140 00:11:38,060 --> 00:11:43,100 But, this can only happen if both parties are willing to relinquish a little control 141 00:11:43,100 --> 00:11:47,380 and let the conversation flow as it will. 142 00:11:47,380 --> 00:11:53,950 Being inflexible, closed-minded, or hungry for control mean that we enter any discussion 143 00:11:53,950 --> 00:12:01,170 with a fixed idea of what it should be ... therefore preventing it from becoming anything else. 144 00:12:01,170 --> 00:12:08,829 This shuts us off from listening, from learning, and from responding spontaneously in the moment 145 00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:10,550 as it unfolds. 146 00:12:10,550 --> 00:12:14,550 It also makes us very boring and predictable! 147 00:12:14,550 --> 00:12:17,590 Instead, be willing to be surprised. 148 00:12:17,590 --> 00:12:24,290 Let the other person lead, and be genuinely open to the idea that they may steer the conversation 149 00:12:24,290 --> 00:12:29,390 in a way you did not expect or prepare for. 150 00:12:29,390 --> 00:12:34,740 Everyone has something to teach you. 151 00:12:34,740 --> 00:12:36,480 Judgment and Premature Evaluation. 152 00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:42,260 Have you ever found yourself rushing in a conversation? 153 00:12:42,260 --> 00:12:46,889 You hear someone talking, but internally, you think, “Yes, yes, I’ve heard that 154 00:12:46,889 --> 00:12:50,930 ... ” and you subtly try to move them along. 155 00:12:50,930 --> 00:12:51,930 Why? 156 00:12:51,930 --> 00:12:56,660 Sometimes, this kind of haste signals that we have been too quick to come to conclusions 157 00:12:56,660 --> 00:12:59,690 about what we’re being told. 158 00:12:59,690 --> 00:13:04,899 As with making assumptions, we think we already understand everything there is to understand 159 00:13:04,899 --> 00:13:08,570 and no longer need to engage. 160 00:13:08,570 --> 00:13:14,600 As we dig deeper, this sometimes tells us that we have prematurely gone into judgment 161 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:18,310 mode before really hearing the other person. 162 00:13:18,310 --> 00:13:21,190 We all have preconceived notions in our heads. 163 00:13:21,190 --> 00:13:26,430 When someone talks, we might flit through our catalogue of notions and see which ones 164 00:13:26,430 --> 00:13:31,430 match closest—then grab ahold of that and stop listening to what the unique person in 165 00:13:31,430 --> 00:13:33,300 front of us is saying. 166 00:13:33,300 --> 00:13:40,000 Judgment—even “positive” judgments, kill what is real and nuanced in the present 167 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,000 moment. 168 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:45,660 We fail to see the other person and their message and instead substitute it with our 169 00:13:45,660 --> 00:13:50,180 idea of who they are and what they’re saying. 170 00:13:50,180 --> 00:13:53,029 This is the root of prejudice and bias. 171 00:13:53,029 --> 00:13:59,010 If we are interacting with two-dimensional stereotypes of people and not real people, 172 00:13:59,010 --> 00:14:03,110 then our communication is always going to be lacking. 173 00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:07,449 Instead, cultivate wonder. 174 00:14:07,449 --> 00:14:12,970 This may be the hardest mindset shift of all, but to become a genuinely good communicator, 175 00:14:12,970 --> 00:14:20,470 you need to maintain a sense not just of curiosity or interest in another person, but of near-continuous 176 00:14:20,470 --> 00:14:27,180 awe at what a privilege it really is to step outside your own head for a moment and step 177 00:14:27,180 --> 00:14:30,990 into someone else’s. 178 00:14:30,990 --> 00:14:35,899 In the remainder of this book, we will take as a starting point the value that communication 179 00:14:35,899 --> 00:14:38,550 is a way to create connection. 180 00:14:38,550 --> 00:14:43,100 We label anything that gets in the way of this connection as a “psychological barrier” 181 00:14:43,100 --> 00:14:45,600 and work to remove it. 182 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:48,610 Are there other barriers than the ones listed above? 183 00:14:48,610 --> 00:14:49,610 Definitely. 184 00:14:49,610 --> 00:14:55,780 We can point to an attitude of distraction and inattention, lack of trust, cross-cultural 185 00:14:55,780 --> 00:15:02,440 limitations, and even exhaustion as things that prevent people from properly connecting. 186 00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:07,470 Whatever they are, though, with self-awareness and practice, we can work to lessen their 187 00:15:07,470 --> 00:15:11,200 impact on us. 188 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:14,880 Other Bad Communication Habits to Avoid. 189 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:18,680 Maybe you read the previous descriptions of barriers to communication and thought it all 190 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:20,160 sounded a little serious. 191 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:26,240 Perhaps you are simply looking for ways to improve everyday conversation, and not necessarily 192 00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:30,750 become a master at juggling the deep and meaningful stuff. 193 00:15:30,750 --> 00:15:37,740 However, even if you are on the whole a flexible, open-minded, and non-judgmental communicator, 194 00:15:37,740 --> 00:15:41,510 you may still fall into the common habitual conversational traps that plague the best 195 00:15:41,510 --> 00:15:42,510 of us. 196 00:15:42,510 --> 00:15:48,630 That’s because the biggest barrier to excellent communication is all those small, mindless, 197 00:15:48,630 --> 00:15:53,319 and automatic acts that erode trust and connection. 198 00:15:53,319 --> 00:15:58,649 Granted, these conversational habits don’t mean that you have psychological issues with 199 00:15:58,649 --> 00:16:01,820 prejudice or a deep-seated need for control. 200 00:16:01,820 --> 00:16:08,430 But in a way, knee-jerk habits like these are worse because they are usually invisible, 201 00:16:08,430 --> 00:16:15,339 unconscious, and may even be encouraged by your general environment. 202 00:16:15,339 --> 00:16:19,880 Before we take an earnest look at what we should be doing to become better communicators, 203 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:23,990 let’s explore a few more things not to do. 204 00:16:23,990 --> 00:16:27,730 Human life is largely comprised of conversations. 205 00:16:27,730 --> 00:16:34,850 Every relationship, every human interaction, every job, everything at some point requires 206 00:16:34,850 --> 00:16:38,950 you to encounter and engage with another human being. 207 00:16:38,950 --> 00:16:44,130 And whether you fancy yourself a world-class communicator or would sooner send an email 208 00:16:44,130 --> 00:16:50,009 than deal with face-to-face discussion, chances are you have at least a few terrible communication 209 00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:52,930 habits that drive people nuts. 210 00:16:52,930 --> 00:16:55,370 Yes, even you! 211 00:16:55,370 --> 00:17:01,149 No, the following habits won’t cause major blowouts or serious miscommunication, and 212 00:17:01,149 --> 00:17:05,049 they’re not the end of the world ... but they’re good low-hanging fruit to begin 213 00:17:05,049 --> 00:17:12,400 with as we embark on sharpening our communication skills. 214 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:15,270 Constantly Interrupting. 215 00:17:15,270 --> 00:17:20,069 Maybe you interrupt because you’re so excited by what the other person just said, you simply 216 00:17:20,069 --> 00:17:23,320 have to interject and say your thing. 217 00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:28,100 Maybe you interrupt because unconsciously, you think that what you have to say is more 218 00:17:28,100 --> 00:17:29,590 urgent or more important. 219 00:17:29,590 --> 00:17:34,000 Maybe, you’re doing it because you’re rushing the conversation along, having already 220 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:38,370 jumped to conclusions about what the other person means and made your judgments about 221 00:17:38,370 --> 00:17:39,370 it. 222 00:17:39,370 --> 00:17:44,309 In any case, it doesn’t matter why you do it—only that it makes the other person feel 223 00:17:44,309 --> 00:17:45,460 awful. 224 00:17:45,460 --> 00:17:49,190 It’s understandable—you want to be heard. 225 00:17:49,190 --> 00:17:50,190 But so do they! 226 00:17:50,190 --> 00:17:55,240 Take it a step further and don’t even think about interrupting. 227 00:17:55,240 --> 00:18:00,039 You know what this means—when you are suddenly more interested in your own response to what’s 228 00:18:00,039 --> 00:18:04,980 being said than listening to what’s being said, it shows. 229 00:18:04,980 --> 00:18:09,230 The other person can tell that your attention has suddenly moved inward and you are preparing 230 00:18:09,230 --> 00:18:10,840 a response. 231 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:17,490 A good habit is this: After someone stops speaking, pause and count slowly to three 232 00:18:17,490 --> 00:18:19,500 in your head. 233 00:18:19,500 --> 00:18:23,930 This sends the message, “I’m here, I’m paying attention, and I care about what you 234 00:18:23,930 --> 00:18:28,750 have to say,” and lets the other person know they don’t have to rush to get a word 235 00:18:28,750 --> 00:18:36,180 in, and that you are respectful enough to pause to process what they’re saying. 236 00:18:36,180 --> 00:18:37,850 Multitasking. 237 00:18:37,850 --> 00:18:43,850 A conversation merits more than the few glances you can muster when you finally tear your 238 00:18:43,850 --> 00:18:44,850 eyes away from your iPhone. 239 00:18:44,850 --> 00:18:51,160 We are probably all guilty of the practice of multitasking at least occasionally. 240 00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:56,870 No matter how insignificant or pointless your interactions may appear, you must be there 241 00:18:56,870 --> 00:18:57,870 for them. 242 00:18:57,870 --> 00:19:04,280 In other words, you can't mindlessly check your phone or run through your grocery list. 243 00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:10,400 Pay close attention to the people you're talking to. 244 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,120 Using Qualifiers. 245 00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:17,360 “Not to be rude or offensive, but ... ” 246 00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:19,780 “This could be a horrible idea, but ... ” 247 00:19:19,780 --> 00:19:22,640 “I know what you're thinking, but ... ” 248 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:30,789 Qualifiers, i.e., little expressions said before or after a statement with the intention 249 00:19:30,789 --> 00:19:35,980 of softening or mitigating that statement, certainly have their place. 250 00:19:35,980 --> 00:19:39,640 Overusing them, though, can be pretty annoying. 251 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,300 Why? 252 00:19:41,300 --> 00:19:47,650 In the right circumstances, they can come across as condescending and unneeded. 253 00:19:47,650 --> 00:19:50,950 Remember the manipulative communication style? 254 00:19:50,950 --> 00:19:55,260 Nobody wants to feel like they are being managed or handled. 255 00:19:55,260 --> 00:20:01,620 If you go to great lengths to use qualifiers, it may stir up feelings of mistrust in your 256 00:20:01,620 --> 00:20:06,830 listener, who could wonder why you’re not just being direct. 257 00:20:06,830 --> 00:20:13,360 Remind yourself that the world “but” is kind of magical—people tend to discount 258 00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:16,200 everything that came before that word! 259 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:22,460 It’s yet another barrier, albeit one that is mostly just annoying. 260 00:20:22,460 --> 00:20:27,100 Equating Your Experiences. 261 00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:31,510 In Chapter 4, we’ll look more closely at mastering the emotional aspects of effective 262 00:20:31,510 --> 00:20:37,450 communication, but for now, it’s enough to banish this single meaningless phrase from 263 00:20:37,450 --> 00:20:41,510 your repertoire: “I know exactly how you feel!" 264 00:20:41,510 --> 00:20:47,809 It’s even worse if you then proceed to tell a lengthy story about a time when you felt 265 00:20:47,809 --> 00:20:54,090 similarly despite the fact that the two situations are completely dissimilar. 266 00:20:54,090 --> 00:20:57,350 Keep in mind that every person’s journey is unique. 267 00:20:57,350 --> 00:21:01,190 It’s good that you’re making an effort to be empathetic. 268 00:21:01,190 --> 00:21:03,870 But think about it from the other side. 269 00:21:03,870 --> 00:21:08,260 Has hearing about someone else’s hard time ever made you feel less unhappy about your 270 00:21:08,260 --> 00:21:10,080 own troubles? 271 00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:11,080 Probably not. 272 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:16,300 Whether you can understand another person’s experiences or not is irrelevant. 273 00:21:16,300 --> 00:21:21,740 Almost always it will not feel good for them to hear it. 274 00:21:21,740 --> 00:21:23,600 Floundering. 275 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:29,720 We’ve all encountered people who ramble on without a point as though they like the 276 00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:31,840 sound of their own voices. 277 00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:36,990 If you have a tendency to do this yourself, constantly try to remember how mind-numbing 278 00:21:36,990 --> 00:21:40,030 it is to be on the receiving end! 279 00:21:40,030 --> 00:21:46,090 Floundering and waffling on and on is usually a bad habit we get into when we’re nervous 280 00:21:46,090 --> 00:21:51,919 or unconsciously afraid that something bad will happen unless we keep performing and 281 00:21:51,919 --> 00:21:53,330 filling the silence. 282 00:21:53,330 --> 00:21:58,820 But like every other poor communication strategy listed here, it doesn’t work: The more we 283 00:21:58,820 --> 00:22:01,929 talk, the less people listen. 284 00:22:01,929 --> 00:22:07,360 Think carefully, say what you need to say, and be straightforward and succinct when you 285 00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:08,540 talk. 286 00:22:08,540 --> 00:22:14,429 Have faith that you’ve been heard, and if you haven’t let it go, because it’s likely 287 00:22:14,429 --> 00:22:24,250 that you would not have convinced anyone to care or understand simply by going on ad nauseum. 288 00:22:24,250 --> 00:22:28,290 Waiting Instead of Listening. 289 00:22:28,290 --> 00:22:30,700 Everyone knows they should be a good listener. 290 00:22:30,700 --> 00:22:35,809 To be honest, most of us are better at acting the role of good listener than actually being 291 00:22:35,809 --> 00:22:36,960 one! 292 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:41,409 Rather than listening with all our attention to what we’re told, we are really just waiting 293 00:22:41,409 --> 00:22:42,840 our turn. 294 00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:49,980 Worse, we might be listening with an agenda—discarding what doesn’t fit the agenda, hearing what 295 00:22:49,980 --> 00:22:55,580 we like, and spending the next few minutes drafting a witty response ... just as soon 296 00:22:55,580 --> 00:22:59,200 as the other person stops talking. 297 00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:04,970 If this is a bad habit to break, remind yourself of the fact that people can usually tell when 298 00:23:04,970 --> 00:23:06,480 you’re not listening. 299 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:14,340 It’s not easy to hide, and it makes you appear selfish, disinterested, and unkind. 300 00:23:14,340 --> 00:23:18,260 Fluff and Filler Words. 301 00:23:18,260 --> 00:23:23,350 Padding out your speech with filler words may be more or less acceptable depending on 302 00:23:23,350 --> 00:23:30,669 your age, culture, and social situation, but it’s almost always better to avoid it entirely. 303 00:23:30,669 --> 00:23:38,929 Filler words are things like um, ah, okay, like, you know, you see, uhh, right, kinda, 304 00:23:38,929 --> 00:23:43,500 so, actually, err, hmm, and so on. 305 00:23:43,500 --> 00:23:48,500 You may in fact have your own personal verbal tic—for example, some people have a strange 306 00:23:48,500 --> 00:23:56,760 habit of ending every sentence with a dangling “so ... ” that doesn’t go anywhere. 307 00:23:56,760 --> 00:24:01,410 Others will liberally sprinkle “like” or “um” everywhere. 308 00:24:01,410 --> 00:24:07,090 Still, others will have overused turns of phrase that add nothing at all to the message—for 309 00:24:07,090 --> 00:24:13,150 example, the woman who ends every simple phrase with, “if that makes sense?” 310 00:24:13,150 --> 00:24:19,049 or the guy who cannot open his mouth without saying, “yeah, well.” 311 00:24:19,049 --> 00:24:24,290 Try this challenge for yourself: Once you’ve identified your own pet filler words, try 312 00:24:24,290 --> 00:24:28,539 to consciously replace them with plain old silence. 313 00:24:28,539 --> 00:24:35,679 Just say nothing and pause until you can say something that isn’t a filler word. 314 00:24:35,679 --> 00:24:40,870 If you can be mindful enough to do this in the moment, you may be surprised at just how 315 00:24:40,870 --> 00:24:45,029 polished and put together you come across. 316 00:24:45,029 --> 00:24:50,220 You don’t have to say anything profound—just remove the filler words and you automatically 317 00:24:50,220 --> 00:24:57,630 seem more self-assured, authoritative, and sophisticated (note, of course, that if you 318 00:24:57,630 --> 00:25:03,169 deliberately don’t want to appear that way, then ignore this advice!). 319 00:25:03,169 --> 00:25:09,669 So interrupting, being distracted, trying to make every conversation about you ... all 320 00:25:09,669 --> 00:25:17,080 these smaller conversation-killing habits are actually expressions of one deeper, bigger 321 00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:18,549 problem: conversational narcissism. 322 00:25:18,549 --> 00:25:22,820 We are all guilty of this to some extent. 323 00:25:22,820 --> 00:25:26,190 A conversation is about two people. 324 00:25:26,190 --> 00:25:32,040 Even beyond that, a good conversation is one where both people have actively participated, 325 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:35,470 and both have connected with one another. 326 00:25:35,470 --> 00:25:41,309 That simply means that to the extent you are focusing only on yourself, the conversation 327 00:25:41,309 --> 00:25:44,370 will be lacking somehow. 328 00:25:44,370 --> 00:25:49,720 The more you can focus on the other person, the better the conversation will be. 329 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:54,800 This realization seems pretty obvious on the face of it, yet look around and you will notice 330 00:25:54,800 --> 00:26:00,679 that almost all cases of miscommunication or failed connection come from, in one way 331 00:26:00,679 --> 00:26:04,950 or another, conversational narcissism. 332 00:26:04,950 --> 00:26:11,870 Whether the obstacles are psychological, behavioral, or just bad habits we’ve fallen into, if 333 00:26:11,870 --> 00:26:18,039 they put us at the center and cause us to forget the other person and their perspective, 334 00:26:18,039 --> 00:26:36,630 then our communication will never be everything it has the potential 335 00:26:36,630 --> 00:26:45,580 to be.