In the previous chapter, we began by exploring people’s habitual communication styles, and how we
might start to use self-awareness and observation of others to better establish non-verbal rapport—the
first task in any conversation.
It might seem strange for a book on communication to say the following, but it’s true: Good
communication is a natural, normal human ability, and it’s something that anyone can do with
ease.
You might then ask if that’s the case, why are so many people so bad at communicating?
The answer is that communicating well is simple and easy, but we first need to remove the
formidable barriers that stand in our way to doing so.
This is what can be difficult.
People are only able to communicate at the level that their inner psychological barriers
allow them to.
For example, if there are two people, and one person has amazing communication skills
but the other is trapped in a core belief that conversations are battles they need to
win, then the conversation will never move beyond this battle framework.
Basically, one’s emotional state, beliefs, habits, personality, and general attitude
to life are the ultimate limits to how well they are able to connect to and communicate
with others.
Certain psychological states will improve your ability to both send and receive a message,
while others will undermine it.
With that in mind, what barriers are there, and how can we replace them with something
more useful?
Assumptions.
Assuming is simply coming to a conclusion you don’t strictly have evidence for.
It almost always leads to misunderstanding.
Communication, after all, is about learning about the other person and their message.
If we think we already know all there is to know, then why have a conversation at all,
right?
Imagine that a boss doesn’t give detailed instructions to a new employee because she
assumes that the employee will already know how to do the task.
The employee doesn’t and so fails at the task.
Here, the barrier of assumption has stepped in and prevented any real communication from
happening, but it can also rear its head once communication is underway.
If you’ve ever had an argument and both found yourselves saying things like, “But
I thought you meant X!” then you likely were both guilty of making assumptions.
In conversations, it’s so easy to assume that all the mental models, frameworks, systems
of meanings, values, and definitions that we hold are neatly shared by other people.
We forget that they have their own goals and interpretations of events, and they may have
their own understanding that can be identical to ours, completely opposite, or anything
in between.
How do we know what kind of world the person in front of us is actually inhabiting?
Well, we communicate with them!
And this means no assumptions.
Instead, ask questions.
Pretend you are a reporter or documentary filmmaker or alien from outer space ... or
all three.
Empty your mind of any preconceptions and don’t guess.
Ask the other person to tell you what they think and feel.
Sometimes, with some topics, you’ll need to confirm even this, because after all, we
all use words and ideas in different ways.
Think of someone asking someone else to marry them.
That person says yes.
But what exactly have they agreed to?
How big is the overlap between their respective understanding of the word “marriage”?
Aggression and Anger.
We’ve already seen that aggressive (or passive-aggressive) communication styles cause upset and don’t
even achieve the person’s communication goals anyway.
But for obvious reasons, anger, resentment, or even rage can be serious obstacles to effective
communication.
It’s simple: To communicate, we have to make contact.
We connect with someone else, and this requires us to let our guards down and become receptive
and open to what the other person is sharing.
If the other person is angry, they will come across as a threat—and why would you ever
be receptive to a threat?
Most sane people will close off to aggression and disconnect in an effort to protect themselves.
This means that if you are leading with anger, you are automatically creating a condition
in which communicating cannot take place.
Think about that: You cannot communicate with a threat, real or perceived.
You can only defend against it.
If you lead with anger, you can only expect defensiveness from the other person—and
this gets you nowhere.
Instead, own your emotions.
Feeling angry is not a problem; approaching someone else with hostility and aggression
is.
The alternative is not to force yourself to pretend to be calm.
Rather, it’s to own your feelings and identify them as belonging to you.
Instead of blaming the other person or directing your emotion to them, hold that emotion as
something that belongs to you only.
Using “I” statements will mean you can say, “I feel so overwhelmed right now,”
instead of, “You’re stressing me out!"
Preconceived Attitudes.
Here is the question yet again: What is the point of communication?
What is it for, ultimately?
The way you answer this question shows you the attitude you hold toward communication.
For some people, conversations are a fight or a courtroom drama or a way to prove how
“right” and worthy they are.
For others, the point is to get their needs met or share and express or simply reach outside
the limits of their own inner perception and connect with another human being.
Naturally, the attitude you have to conversations will depend on the beliefs you hold.
These beliefs also include the habitual roles you’ve always assumed in conversation with
others.
Do you routinely show up as the therapist, comedian, drill sergeant?
Are you always preaching and explaining, or do you repeatedly defer to others and let
them lead?
None of these orientations are right or wrong in themselves.
But if you are a) unaware that they are there in the first place or b) constantly communicating
with people who don’t share your attitude, then you can expect conflict and misunderstanding.
One especially big impediment to effective communication is negative self-image, or low
confidence.
This acts like a kind of filter in which every message you receive from the outside world
can only ever be interpreted in a way that makes you look inferior.
Most of us have never considered that low self-esteem can distort communication, but
really, if low self-esteem is the inability to hear a message that paints us in a good
light, then that’s precisely what it does!
Instead, practice compassion—for self and others.
Really good conversation is supremely democratic.
There are no winners and losers and no hierarchy.
Take a deep breath and put yourself on an even keel with the other person.
Try to shelve any ideas about who is playing what role, and compassionately encounter the
person you find as you find them—your equal.
Fear.
Aggression impedes communication because it puts the other person on the defensive.
But if that person is already on the defensive, the conversation is already impacted.
Defensiveness is essentially putting up a wall.
Trying to communicate through a wall is not easy, and it usually results in one thing:
confusion and serious misunderstanding.
This is sometimes why fear and aggression can lead to communication
breakdown; the more walls that are put up, the harder it is to hear one another, and
in the confusion, more fear and anger are created, necessitating even more walls ...
A person who is fearful is not listening.
They are not curious.
They are not focusing on anything other than their own self-preservation, and this makes
them a bad conversationalist on the most fundamental level.
Have you noticed how, after watching a horror movie, the bedroom that seemed perfectly innocent
yesterday now seems riddled with potentially frightening nooks and crannies?
Fear can make us see things that aren’t there and, in communication, can make us detect
threats where there aren’t any.
Naturally, real connection will be stunted.
Instead, relax and be curious.
One way to do this is simple: ask an open-ended question.
You don’t have to lower your walls entirely, but at least be curious about what’s on
the other side!
Inflexibility and Need for Control.
When you get together with someone and have a conversation, anything can happen.
The thread of the talk can go in any direction, and at any one moment, the words either person
says could steer the thing in a completely novel and unexpected direction.
And this is a good thing!
When two people get together to communicate, there is a chance for them to co-create something
that is bigger than the sum of both of them.
But, this can only happen if both parties are willing to relinquish a little control
and let the conversation flow as it will.
Being inflexible, closed-minded, or hungry for control mean that we enter any discussion
with a fixed idea of what it should be ... therefore preventing it from becoming anything else.
This shuts us off from listening, from learning, and from responding spontaneously in the moment
as it unfolds.
It also makes us very boring and predictable!
Instead, be willing to be surprised.
Let the other person lead, and be genuinely open to the idea that they may steer the conversation
in a way you did not expect or prepare for.
Everyone has something to teach you.
Judgment and Premature Evaluation.
Have you ever found yourself rushing in a conversation?
You hear someone talking, but internally, you think, “Yes, yes, I’ve heard that
... ” and you subtly try to move them along.
Why?
Sometimes, this kind of haste signals that we have been too quick to come to conclusions
about what we’re being told.
As with making assumptions, we think we already understand everything there is to understand
and no longer need to engage.
As we dig deeper, this sometimes tells us that we have prematurely gone into judgment
mode before really hearing the other person.
We all have preconceived notions in our heads.
When someone talks, we might flit through our catalogue of notions and see which ones
match closest—then grab ahold of that and stop listening to what the unique person in
front of us is saying.
Judgment—even “positive” judgments, kill what is real and nuanced in the present
moment.
We fail to see the other person and their message and instead substitute it with our
idea of who they are and what they’re saying.
This is the root of prejudice and bias.
If we are interacting with two-dimensional stereotypes of people and not real people,
then our communication is always going to be lacking.
Instead, cultivate wonder.
This may be the hardest mindset shift of all, but to become a genuinely good communicator,
you need to maintain a sense not just of curiosity or interest in another person, but of near-continuous
awe at what a privilege it really is to step outside your own head for a moment and step
into someone else’s.
In the remainder of this book, we will take as a starting point the value that communication
is a way to create connection.
We label anything that gets in the way of this connection as a “psychological barrier”
and work to remove it.
Are there other barriers than the ones listed above?
Definitely.
We can point to an attitude of distraction and inattention, lack of trust, cross-cultural
limitations, and even exhaustion as things that prevent people from properly connecting.
Whatever they are, though, with self-awareness and practice, we can work to lessen their
impact on us.
Other Bad Communication Habits to Avoid.
Maybe you read the previous descriptions of barriers to communication and thought it all
sounded a little serious.
Perhaps you are simply looking for ways to improve everyday conversation, and not necessarily
become a master at juggling the deep and meaningful stuff.
However, even if you are on the whole a flexible, open-minded, and non-judgmental communicator,
you may still fall into the common habitual conversational traps that plague the best
of us.
That’s because the biggest barrier to excellent communication is all those small, mindless,
and automatic acts that erode trust and connection.
Granted, these conversational habits don’t mean that you have psychological issues with
prejudice or a deep-seated need for control.
But in a way, knee-jerk habits like these are worse because they are usually invisible,
unconscious, and may even be encouraged by your general environment.
Before we take an earnest look at what we should be doing to become better communicators,
let’s explore a few more things not to do.
Human life is largely comprised of conversations.
Every relationship, every human interaction, every job, everything at some point requires
you to encounter and engage with another human being.
And whether you fancy yourself a world-class communicator or would sooner send an email
than deal with face-to-face discussion, chances are you have at least a few terrible communication
habits that drive people nuts.
Yes, even you!
No, the following habits won’t cause major blowouts or serious miscommunication, and
they’re not the end of the world ... but they’re good low-hanging fruit to begin
with as we embark on sharpening our communication skills.
Constantly Interrupting.
Maybe you interrupt because you’re so excited by what the other person just said, you simply
have to interject and say your thing.
Maybe you interrupt because unconsciously, you think that what you have to say is more
urgent or more important.
Maybe, you’re doing it because you’re rushing the conversation along, having already
jumped to conclusions about what the other person means and made your judgments about
it.
In any case, it doesn’t matter why you do it—only that it makes the other person feel
awful.
It’s understandable—you want to be heard.
But so do they!
Take it a step further and don’t even think about interrupting.
You know what this means—when you are suddenly more interested in your own response to what’s
being said than listening to what’s being said, it shows.
The other person can tell that your attention has suddenly moved inward and you are preparing
a response.
A good habit is this: After someone stops speaking, pause and count slowly to three
in your head.
This sends the message, “I’m here, I’m paying attention, and I care about what you
have to say,” and lets the other person know they don’t have to rush to get a word
in, and that you are respectful enough to pause to process what they’re saying.
Multitasking.
A conversation merits more than the few glances you can muster when you finally tear your
eyes away from your iPhone.
We are probably all guilty of the practice of multitasking at least occasionally.
No matter how insignificant or pointless your interactions may appear, you must be there
for them.
In other words, you can't mindlessly check your phone or run through your grocery list.
Pay close attention to the people you're talking to.
Using Qualifiers.
“Not to be rude or offensive, but ... ”
“This could be a horrible idea, but ... ”
“I know what you're thinking, but ... ”
Qualifiers, i.e., little expressions said before or after a statement with the intention
of softening or mitigating that statement, certainly have their place.
Overusing them, though, can be pretty annoying.
Why?
In the right circumstances, they can come across as condescending and unneeded.
Remember the manipulative communication style?
Nobody wants to feel like they are being managed or handled.
If you go to great lengths to use qualifiers, it may stir up feelings of mistrust in your
listener, who could wonder why you’re not just being direct.
Remind yourself that the world “but” is kind of magical—people tend to discount
everything that came before that word!
It’s yet another barrier, albeit one that is mostly just annoying.
Equating Your Experiences.
In Chapter 4, we’ll look more closely at mastering the emotional aspects of effective
communication, but for now, it’s enough to banish this single meaningless phrase from
your repertoire: “I know exactly how you feel!"
It’s even worse if you then proceed to tell a lengthy story about a time when you felt
similarly despite the fact that the two situations are completely dissimilar.
Keep in mind that every person’s journey is unique.
It’s good that you’re making an effort to be empathetic.
But think about it from the other side.
Has hearing about someone else’s hard time ever made you feel less unhappy about your
own troubles?
Probably not.
Whether you can understand another person’s experiences or not is irrelevant.
Almost always it will not feel good for them to hear it.
Floundering.
We’ve all encountered people who ramble on without a point as though they like the
sound of their own voices.
If you have a tendency to do this yourself, constantly try to remember how mind-numbing
it is to be on the receiving end!
Floundering and waffling on and on is usually a bad habit we get into when we’re nervous
or unconsciously afraid that something bad will happen unless we keep performing and
filling the silence.
But like every other poor communication strategy listed here, it doesn’t work: The more we
talk, the less people listen.
Think carefully, say what you need to say, and be straightforward and succinct when you
talk.
Have faith that you’ve been heard, and if you haven’t let it go, because it’s likely
that you would not have convinced anyone to care or understand simply by going on ad nauseum.
Waiting Instead of Listening.
Everyone knows they should be a good listener.
To be honest, most of us are better at acting the role of good listener than actually being
one!
Rather than listening with all our attention to what we’re told, we are really just waiting
our turn.
Worse, we might be listening with an agenda—discarding what doesn’t fit the agenda, hearing what
we like, and spending the next few minutes drafting a witty response ... just as soon
as the other person stops talking.
If this is a bad habit to break, remind yourself of the fact that people can usually tell when
you’re not listening.
It’s not easy to hide, and it makes you appear selfish, disinterested, and unkind.
Fluff and Filler Words.
Padding out your speech with filler words may be more or less acceptable depending on
your age, culture, and social situation, but it’s almost always better to avoid it entirely.
Filler words are things like um, ah, okay, like, you know, you see, uhh, right, kinda,
so, actually, err, hmm, and so on.
You may in fact have your own personal verbal tic—for example, some people have a strange
habit of ending every sentence with a dangling “so ... ” that doesn’t go anywhere.
Others will liberally sprinkle “like” or “um” everywhere.
Still, others will have overused turns of phrase that add nothing at all to the message—for
example, the woman who ends every simple phrase with, “if that makes sense?”
or the guy who cannot open his mouth without saying, “yeah, well.”
Try this challenge for yourself: Once you’ve identified your own pet filler words, try
to consciously replace them with plain old silence.
Just say nothing and pause until you can say something that isn’t a filler word.
If you can be mindful enough to do this in the moment, you may be surprised at just how
polished and put together you come across.
You don’t have to say anything profound—just remove the filler words and you automatically
seem more self-assured, authoritative, and sophisticated (note, of course, that if you
deliberately don’t want to appear that way, then ignore this advice!).
So interrupting, being distracted, trying to make every conversation about you ... all
these smaller conversation-killing habits are actually expressions of one deeper, bigger
problem: conversational narcissism.
We are all guilty of this to some extent.
A conversation is about two people.
Even beyond that, a good conversation is one where both people have actively participated,
and both have connected with one another.
That simply means that to the extent you are focusing only on yourself, the conversation
will be lacking somehow.
The more you can focus on the other person, the better the conversation will be.
This realization seems pretty obvious on the face of it, yet look around and you will notice
that almost all cases of miscommunication or failed connection come from, in one way
or another, conversational narcissism.
Whether the obstacles are psychological, behavioral, or just bad habits we’ve fallen into, if
they put us at the center and cause us to forget the other person and their perspective,
then our communication will never be everything it has the potential
to be.