How to Extract Info,
Secrets,
and Truth:
Make People Reveal Their True Thoughts and Intentions Without Them Even Knowing It (How to be More Likable and Charismatic Book 12)
Written by
Patrick King, narrated by russell newton.
Being a better communicator is one thing,
but when you think about it,
so much of what we “say” to one another is far beyond the verbal language
we share intentionally.| If you want to become better at reading people,
and understand them on a deeper level,
it’s necessary to go one step deeper than what we normally think of as
communication.
In the chapters that follow,
we’re going to explore several subtle but effective ways to quietly gather
information about the people around us – even and especially when they’re
not deliberately sharing it!
We’ll look at the power of observation,
how to master questioning techniques to your advantage,
and see what we can learn from interrogators,
interviewers and even cold readers and “psychics."
But first,
we’ll start with something simply - merely looking at what’s right in front
of you.
If you really look,
there’s a lot of information to be gleaned about the people you interact with.
The idea that people cannot help but reveal their true intentions and feelings
one way or another is an appealing one.
People can say whatever they like,
but it’s always been understood that “actions speak louder than words”
and that people’s facial expressions or body language can inadvertently
reveal their deepest selves.
We are in effect communicating all the time,
sending out information about our intentions and feelings—but only a small
fraction of this is verbal.
Observing people’s actions and behavior in real time is what we most commonly
understand to be analyzing people.
It might seem natural to look to people’s physical bodies in space to intuit
what’s going on in their heads,
and there’s plenty of scientific evidence to support these claims.
Physical appearance can tell you a lot about a person’s feelings,
motivations,
and fears,
even if they’re actively trying to conceal these.
In other words,
the body doesn’t lie!
Nevertheless,
this approach to understanding people’s motivations is not foolproof.
When we’re interacting with others and trying to understand what makes them
tick,
it’s important to be cautious in making assumptions.
We’re all individuals,
and context is very important.
Though we can use various methods to read facial expressions and body language,
it pays to remember that no single piece of information is enough to
“prove” anything,
and that the art of reading people this way comes down to taking a holistic
view of the full scenario as it unfolds in front of you.
Look At My Face.
Let’s begin with Haggard and Isaacs in the 1960s.
They filmed couples’ faces during therapy and noticed little expressions that
could only be caught when the film was slowed down.
Later on,
Paul Ekman expanded on his own theory on microexpressions and published a book,
Telling Lies.
We all know how to read macroexpressions—those facial movements that last up
to four seconds in duration—but there are quicker,
more fleeting expressions that are so fast,
they could easily be missed by the untrained eye.
According to Ekman,
facial expressions are actually physiological reactions.
These expressions occur even when you’re not around anyone who could see them.
He found that across cultures,
people used microexpressions to display their emotions on their faces in very
predictable ways—even when they were attempting to conceal them or even when
they themselves were unaware of the emotion.
His research led him to believe that microexpressions are spontaneous,
tiny contractions of certain muscle groups that are predictably related to
emotions and are the same in all people,
regardless of upbringing,
background,
or cultural expectation.
They can be as quick as one-thirtieth of a second long.
But catching them and understanding what they mean is a way to cut through what
is merely said to get to the deeper truth of what people feel and believe.
Macroexpressions can be,
to some extent,
forced or exaggerated,
but microexpressions are understood to be more genuine and difficult to fake or
else suggestive of concealed or rapidly changing emotions.
Within the brain,
there are two neural pathways related to facial expressions.
The first is the pyramidal tract,
responsible for voluntary expressions (i.e.,
most macroexpressions),
and the extrapyramidal tract,
responsible for involuntary emotional facial expressions (i.e.,
microexpressions).
Researchers have discovered that individuals who experience intense emotional
situations but also external pressure to control or hide that expression will
show activity in both these brain pathways.
This suggests that they’re working against one another,
with the more conscious and voluntary expressions dominating the involuntary
ones.
Nevertheless,
some tiny expressions of the real emotion may “leak” out—this is what
you’re looking for when you attempt to read a person in this way.
So just exactly how does one learn to read these expressions?
Can you really decode a person’s deepest feelings just by looking at a twitch
of their nose or a wrinkle in their brow?
According to Ekman,
there are six universal human emotions,
all with corresponding minuscule facial expressions.
Happiness is seen in lifted cheeks,
with the corners of the mouth raised up and back.
Wrinkles appear under the eyes,
between the upper lip and nose,
and in the outside corner of the eyes.
In other words,
the movements we’re all familiar with in an ordinary smile are there on a
micro level too.
Microexpressions suggesting sadness are also what you’d expect.
The outer corner of the eyes droops down,
along with the corners of the lips.
The lower lip may even tremble.
Eyebrows may form a telltale triangle shape.
For the emotion of disgust,
the upper lip lifts and may be accompanied by wrinkles above it and wrinkles on
the forehead.
The eyes may narrow slightly as the cheeks are raised.
For anger,
eyebrows lower and tense up,
often at a downward angle.
Eyes tighten,
too,
and the lips may be pursed or held stiffly open.
The eyes are staring and piercing.
Fear,
on the other hand,
entails similar contractions but upward.
Whether open or closed,
the mouth is tense,
and both upper and lower eyelids are lifted.
Finally,
surprise or shock will show itself in elevated brows—rounded rather than
triangular,
like with sadness.
The upper eyelids lift up and the lower eyelids stretch downward,
opening the eyes wide.
Sometimes,
the jaw can hang loosely open.
As you can see,
microexpressions are not very different from macroexpressions in the muscles
that are involved;
the main difference is in their speed.
Ekman demonstrated,
however,
that these quick flashes of muscle contraction are so fast that people miss
them - ninety-nine percent of people were unable to perceive them.
Nevertheless,
he also claims that people can be trained to look for microexpressions and in
particular learn to detect liars,
a classic example of saying one thing and feeling another.
Ekman claims to be able to teach his technique within thirty-two hours,
but for those of us who are curious about using the principles in our own
lives,
it’s easy to start.
Firstly,
look for discrepancies between what is said and what is actually demonstrated
through facial expressions.
For example,
someone might be assuring you verbally and making promises but showing quick
expressions of fear that betray their real position.
Other classic indicators that you are being lied to include lifting the
shoulders slightly while someone is vehemently confirming the truth of what
they’re saying.
Scratching the nose,
moving the head to the side,
avoiding eye contact,
uncertainty in speaking,
and general fidgeting also indicate someone’s internal reality is not exactly
lining up with the external—i.e.,
they might be lying.
Again,
it’s worth mentioning here that this is not a foolproof method and that
research has mostly failed to find a strong relationship between body language,
facial expression,
and deceitfulness.
No single gesture alone indicates anything.
Many psychologists have since pointed out that discrepancies in
microexpressions can actually indicate discomfort,
nervousness,
stress,
or tension,
without deception being involved.
Nevertheless,
when used as a tool along with other tools,
and when taken in context,
microexpression analysis can be powerful.
Granted,
you’ll need to stare quite intently at the person and observe them in a way
that’s uncomfortable and too obvious for normal social situations.
You’ll also have to weed out tons of irrelevant data and decide what gestures
count as “noise” or meaningless idiosyncrasies.
At any rate,
people who lack the required training have been shown to be astoundingly bad at
spotting liars—despite feeling as though their gut intuitions about others’
deceit is reliable.
This means that even a slight increase in accuracy you might gain from
understanding and implementing the microexpression theory may make all the
difference.
A microexpression may be small,
but it’s still a data point.
All this talk of unmasking liars may make this technique seem rather combative
and underhanded,
but Ekman is careful to point out that “lies” and “deceit,” as he
frames them,
can also indicate the hiding of an emotion and not necessarily any malicious
intent.
There is certainly an allure in playing detective and uncovering people’s
secret feelings,
but in reality,
the use of microexpression analysis is a bit like CSI - it always looks a bit
more impressive on TV than it is in real life.
Furthermore,
the goal in developing the skill of microexpression analysis is not to play
“gotcha!” to our friends and colleagues,
but rather to enhance our own empathy and emotional intelligence and foster a
richer understanding of the people around us.
If you’re not convinced about using microexpressions to detect deception,
another perspective is not to look for lies or classify expressions according
to their duration,
but rather to look at what an expression typically conveys.
Then,
depending on context and how the expression compares to what’s said verbally,
you can come to your own conclusions.
Nervousness is typically behind things like tightening the lips or twitching
the corners of the mouth very quickly toward the ear and back.
Quivering lips or chin,
a furrowed brow,
narrowed eyes,
and pulled-in lips may also indicate the person is feeling tense.
If a person you know is normally calm and composed but you suddenly notice
plenty of these little signs while they tell you a tale you don’t quite
believe,
you might infer that,
for some reason,
they’re nervous about telling it to you.
Whether this is because they’re lying or because their story is simply
uncomfortable to tell—only you can decide from context.
A person feeling dislike or disagreement might purse their lips tightly,
roll their eyes,
flutter their eyelids briefly,
or crinkle their nose.
They may also squint a little or narrow their eyes like a cartoon villain
staring down the hero,
close their eyes,
or “sneer” a little in a slight expression of disdain.
If a person opens the Christmas present you gave them and immediately proceeds
to do all of the above,
you might want to assume they don’t really like their gift,
despite what they say to the contrary.
Those dealing with stress may find tiny ways to release that stress,
giving themselves away even though for the most part they appear quite calm.
Uncontrollable,
fast blinking and making repetitive motions like twitching the cheek,
biting the tongue,
or touching parts of the face with their fingers can all indicate someone
who’s finding a particular situation stressful.
This might make sense when someone’s in a job interview or being questioned
in connection with a crime but may be more noteworthy if you spot it in
seemingly calm situations.
This discrepancy gives you a clue that all might not be as it appears.
Pay attention also to asymmetry in facial expressions.
Natural,
spontaneous,
and genuine expressions of emotion tend to be symmetrical.
Forced,
fake,
or conflicting expressions tend not to be.
And again,
try to interpret what you see in context,
and consider the whole person,
including other body language.
Remember that analyzing facial expressions is a powerful method of
understanding others that’s more than “skin-deep,” but it’s not
foolproof.
Every observation you make is simply a data point and doesn’t prove anything
either way.
The skill comes in gathering as much data as you can and interpreting the
whole,
emerging pattern before you,
rather than just one or two signs.
For this reason,
it’s best to use what you know about microexpressions as a supplement to
other methods and tools.
Body Talk.
Body language,
for instance,
may be just as powerful a language to learn to read and comprehend as facial
expressions.
After all,
the face is simply a part of the body.
Why focus on just one part when people’s postures and general movements can
speak just as eloquently?
Ex-FBI agent Joe Navarro is generally considered an authority in this field and
has used his experience to teach others about the wealth of information people
share without ever opening their mouths (i.e.,
what he calls “nonverbal communication”).
Originally from Cuba and having to learn English after moving to the U. S.
when he was eight years old,
Navarro quickly came to appreciate how the human body was “a kind of
billboard that advertised what a person was thinking."
During his career he spoke at length about learning to spot people’s
“tells”—those little movements that suggest that someone is
uncomfortable,
hostile,
relaxed,
or fearful.
As with facial expressions,
these tells may hint at deceit or lies but primarily indicate that someone is
uncomfortable or that there is a discrepancy between what’s felt and what’s
expressed.
Armed with an understanding of how body language works,
we can not only open up new channels on which to communicate with others,
but pay attention to our own bodies and the messages we may be unwittingly
sending to others.
Firstly,
it’s important to understand that nonverbal communication is inbuilt,
biological,
and the result of evolution.
Our emotional responses to certain things are lightning-fast,
and they happen spontaneously,
whether we want them to or not.
Importantly,
they express themselves physically in the way we hold and move our bodies in
space,
potentially resulting in the transmission of thousands of nonverbal messages.
It’s the more primitive,
emotional,
and perhaps honest part of our brain,
the limbic brain,
that’s responsible for these automatic responses.
While the prefrontal cortex (the more intellectual and abstract part)
is a little removed from the body,
and more under conscious control,
it’s also the part that’s capable of lying.
But even though a person can say one thing,
their bodies will always speak the truth.
If you can tune into the gestures,
movements,
postures,
patterns of touching,
and even the clothing a person wears,
you give yourself a more direct channel into what they really think and feel.
Navarro claims that the majority of communication is nonverbal anyway—meaning
you’re actively missing out on the bulk of the message by not considering
body language.
Consider that communication started out nonverbally.
In our earliest histories,
before the development of language,
humankind most likely communicated by gestures,
simple sounds,
and facial expressions.
In fact,
from the moment a baby is born it instinctively makes faces to communicate that
it’s cold,
hungry,
or frightened.
We never need to be taught how to read basic gestures or understand tones of
voice—this is because nonverbal communication was our first communication and
may still be our preferred form.
Think of all the ways you already take nonverbal communication for granted—in
the way you show love or demonstrate your anger.
Even if you aren’t aware of it,
we are all still processing vast amounts of information on nonverbal channels.
Learn how to read this information and you can determine if someone is trying
to deceive you or perhaps if someone is trying to conceal their feelings and
true intentions from you.
You’ve probably heard of the “fight-or-flight” response before,
but there’s a third possibility - freeze.
What’s more,
these responses to danger may be quite subtle,
but nevertheless,
they speak to discomfort and fear.
Our ancestors might have shown fight-or-flight when running from predators or
enemy tribes,
but those instincts might have followed us into the boardroom or classroom.
The limbic brain is again responsible for these fear responses.
Someone who is asked a difficult question or put on the spot may look like a
deer caught in headlights.
They may lock their legs around a chair and stay fixed tight in that position
(this is the freeze response).
Another possibility is physically moving the body away from what is perceived
as threatening.
A person may put an object on their lap or position their limbs toward the exit
(the flight response).
Finally,
a third person may “fight."
This aggressive response to fear can show itself in picking arguments,
verbally “sparring,” or adopting threatening gestures.
In fact,
the more competent you become at reading nonverbal signals,
the more you may come to appreciate how fundamentally physical they are and how
much they speak to our shared evolutionary history.
In the past we might have literally fended off an attack with certain gestures
or indeed set out to attack another with very obvious movements and expressions.
These days,
our world is very abstract and the things that threaten us are more verbal and
conceptual—but the old machinery for expression,
fear,
aggression,
curiosity,
etc.
is all still there,
only perhaps expressed a little more subtly.
Let’s consider what are called “pacifying behaviors."
These can offer a key insight into someone who is feeling stressed,
unsure,
or threatened.
Essentially,
a pacifying behavior is what it sounds like—the (unconscious)
attempt to self-soothe in the face of some perceived threat.
When we feel stressed,
our limbic brain may compel us to make little gestures designed to calm us -
touching the forehead,
rubbing the neck,
fiddling with hair,
or wringing the hands are all behaviors intended to soothe stress.
The neck is a vulnerable area of the body,
but one that is relatively exposed.
Consider how aggressive people “go for the jugular” and you understand how
the throat and neck can be unconsciously felt to be an area open for fatal
attack.
It makes sense then that someone unconsciously covering or stroking this area
is expressing their struggle,
emotional discomfort,
or insecurity.
Men may use this gesture more often than women;
men may fidget with their ties or squeeze the top of the neck,
while women may put the fingers to the suprasternal notch (the indent between
the collarbones)
or play nervously with a necklace.
Pay attention to this behavior and you’ll notice how it reveals someone’s
fears and insecurities in real-time.
Someone might say something a little aggressive and another person responds by
leaning back slightly,
crossing the arms,
and putting one hand up to the throat.
Notice this in real-time and you can infer that this particular statement has
aroused some fear and uncertainty.
Similarly,
rubbing or touching the forehead or temples can signal emotional distress or
overwhelm.
A quick tap with the fingers may reveal a momentary feeling of stress,
whereas a prolonged cradling of the head in both hands can spell extreme
distress.
In fact,
you can consider any cradling,
stroking,
or rubbing movement as the physical clue of a person’s need to self-pacify.
This could mean touching cheeks when the person feels nervous or frightened,
rubbing or licking the lips,
massaging the earlobes,
or running the fingers through the hair or beard.
Pacifying behaviors are not just things liked stroking or rubbing,
though.
Puffing out the cheeks and exhaling loudly is also a gesture that releases
considerable stress.
Have you ever noticed how many people will do this after hearing bad news or
narrowly escaping an accident?
An unexpected stress release response is yawning—rather than indicating
boredom,
the body’s sudden attempt to draw in more oxygen during stressful times is
even seen in other animals.
“Leg cleansing” is another,
and it entails wiping down the legs as though to wash them or brush off dust.
This can be missed if it’s hidden under a table,
but if you can notice it,
it is a strong indication of an attempt to self-soothe during stressful moments.
“Ventilating” is another behavior you may not pay much attention to.
Notice someone pulling their shirt collar away from their neck or tossing the
hair away from the shoulders as though to cool off.
They’re likely experiencing discomfort or tension.
Though this might be literally because of an uncomfortable environment,
it’s more likely a response to inner tension and stress that needs “cooling
off."
One of the most obvious forms of pacifying behavior looks exactly like what a
mother might do to a young child to soothe them - cradling and hugging one’s
own body or rubbing the shoulders as though to ward off a chill all suggest a
person who feels under threat,
worried,
or overwhelmed—these gestures are an unconscious way to protect the body.
This is an important underlying principle across all of body language theory -
that limbs and gestures may signal unconscious attempts to protect and defend
the body.
When you consider that the torso contains all the body’s vital organs,
you can understand why the limbic brain has reflex responses to shield this
area when threats are perceived—even emotional threats.
Someone who is highly unresponsive to a request or who feels attacked or
criticized may cross their arms as if to say,
“Back off."
Raising the arms to the chest during an argument is a classic blocking gesture,
almost as if the words being exchanged were literally thrown,
causing an unconscious reflex to fend them off.
On a similar note,
slumping,
loose arms can indicate defeat,
disappointment,
or despair.
It’s as though the body is physically broadcasting the nonphysical sentiment
of “I can’t do this.
I don’t know what to do.
I give up."
Let’s take it further.
Imagine someone standing over a desk,
arms spread wide.
Aren’t you immediately reminded of an animal claiming territory?
Wide,
expansive gestures signal confidence,
assertiveness,
and even dominance.
If a person is standing with arms akimbo,
they leave their torso exposed.
This is a powerful way to communicate that they are confident in taking up room
and don’t feel threatened or unsure in the least.
Other gestures of confidence and assertiveness include that favorite of
politicians and businessmen the world over - “hand steepling."
The fingertips are pressed together so they form a little steeple.
It’s the classic negotiating gesture,
signaling confidence,
poise,
and certainty about your power and position,
as though the hands were merely resting and calmly contemplating their next
move.
On the other hand (pun intended)
wringing and rubbing the hands is more likely to demonstrate a lack of feeling
in control or doubt in one’s own abilities.
Again,
this is a pacifying gesture designed to release tension.
Hands are our tools to effect change in the world and bring about our actions.
When we fidget,
wring our hands,
or clench our fists,
we are demonstrating a lack of ease and confidence in our abilities or find it
difficult to act confidently.
What about the legs?
These are often overlooked since they might be concealed under a desk,
but legs and feet are powerful indicators too.
“Happy feet” can bounce and jiggle—on the other hand,
bouncy legs paired with other nervous or pacifying gestures may indicate an
excess of nervous tension and energy or impatience .
or too much coffee,
you decide.
Toes that point upward can be thought of as “smiling” feet and indicate
positive,
optimistic feelings.
Physiologically,
our legs and feet are all about,
unsurprisingly,
movement.
Busy feet could suggest an unexpressed desired to get moving,
either literally or figuratively!
It’s also been said that feet point in the direction they unconsciously wish
to go.
Both toes turned toward the conversation partner can signal “I’m here with
you;
I’m present in this conversation” whereas feet angled toward an exit could
be a clue that the person really would prefer to leave.
Other clues that someone is wanting to move,
leave,
or escape are gestures like clasping the knees,
rocking up and down on the balls of the feet,
or standing with a bit of a bounce in the step—all of these subtly
communicate someone whose unconscious mind has “fired up the engines” and
wants to get going.
This could mean they’re excited about possibilities and want to get started
as soon as possible,
or they may have a strong dislike for the current situation and almost
literally want to “run away."
Again,
context matters!
Legs and feet can also reveal negative emotions.
Crossing the legs,
as with the arms,
can signal a desire to close off or protect the body from a perceived threat or
discomfort.
Crossed legs are often tilted toward a person we like and trust—and away from
someone we don’t.
This is because the legs can be used as a barrier,
either warding off or welcoming in someone’s presence.
Women may dangle shoes off the tips of the toes in flirtatious moments,
slipping a shoe on and off the heel again.
Without getting too Freudian about it,
the display of feet and legs can indicate comfort and even intimacy with
someone.
On the other hand,
locking the feet and ankles can be part of a freeze response when someone
really doesn’t like a situation or person.
So having discussed the face,
hands,
legs and feet,
and torso in general,
what else is there?
Turns out,
a lot more.
The body as a whole can be positioned in space in certain ways,
held in certain postures,
or brought further or closer to other people.
The next time you meet someone new,
lean in to shake their hand and then watch what they do with their entire body.
If they “stand their ground” and stay where they are,
they’re demonstrating comfort with the situation,
you,
and themselves.
Taking a step back or turning the entire torso and feet to the side suggests
that you may have gotten too close for their comfort.
They may even take a step closer,
signaling that they are happy with the contact and may even escalate it further.
The general principle is pretty obvious - bodies expand when they are
comfortable,
happy,
or dominant.
They contract when unhappy,
fearful,
or threatened.
Bodies move toward what they like and away from what they don’t like.
Leaning toward a person can show agreement,
comfort,
flirtation,
ease,
and interest.
Likewise,
crossing the arms,
turning away,
leaning back,
and using tightly crossed legs as a barrier show a person’s unconscious
attempt to get away from or protect themselves from something unwanted.
Those people who spread out on public transport?
They feel relaxed,
secure,
and confident (annoying,
isn’t it?).
Those that seem to bundle themselves as tightly as possible may instead signal
low confidence and assertiveness,
as though they were always trying to take up less room.
Similarly puffing up the chest and holding out the arms in an aggressive
posture communicates,
“Look how big I am!” in an argument,
whereas raising the shoulders and “turtling” in on oneself is nonverbally
saying,
“Please don’t hurt me!
Look how small I am!"
We’re not much like gorillas in the forest,
beating our chests during heated arguments—but if you look closely,
you may still see faint clues to this more primal behavior anyway.
Those postures that take up room and expand are all associated with dominance,
assertiveness,
and authority.
Hands on the hips,
hands held regally behind the back (doesn’t it make you think of royalty or a
dignified soldier who is unafraid of attack?),
or even arms laced behind the neck as one leans back in a chair—all signify
comfort and dominance.
When you are becoming aware of people’s body language,
ask in the first instance whether their actions,
gestures,
and postures are constricting or expanding.
Is the face open or closed?
Are the hands and arms spread wide and held loose and far from the body,
or are the limbs kept close and tense?
Is the facial expression you’re looking at pulled tight or loose and open?
Is the chin held high (sign of confidence)
or tucked in (sign of uncertainty)?
Imagine you have no words at all to describe what you’re looking at;
just observe.
Is the body in front of you relaxed and comfortable in space,
or is there some tightness,
tension,
and unease in the way the limbs are held?
A lot of the art of body language is,
once pointed out,
rather intuitive.
This is because each of us is actually already fluent in its interpretation.
It is merely allowing ourselves to de-emphasize the verbal for a moment to take
notice of the wealth of nonverbal information that’s always flowing between
people.
None of it is really concealed.
Rather,
it’s a question of opening up to data coming in on a channel we are not
taught to pay attention to.
Putting It All Together.
How can we use all of this to actually help us “read” people effectively
and understand even those motivations,
intentions,
and feelings people may be actively trying to conceal?
It’s worth remembering right off the bat that detecting deception is not as
straightforward as some would have you believe and,
as we’ve seen,
not as simple as spotting a tell-tale sign that proves a lie once and for all.
Laypeople and professionals alike are notoriously bad at reading body language,
despite the wealth of information we now have on the topic.
But the knack really comes in deciding what to do with certain observations
once you’ve made them.
Does a person’s folded arms mean they’re lying,
unhappy about something,
fearful .
or just feeling cold?
The trick comes in using not just one or two but a whole host of clues and
tells to form a more comprehensive picture of behavior.
The reason why it’s so difficult to “spot a lie” with perfect accuracy is
that the gestures and expressions associated with deception are often not
different from those signifying stress or discomfort.
So given all this,
is it worth learning to read body language?
Absolutely.
Adding this extra dimension to your interactions with others will only enrich
your relationships and give you extra insight into your interpersonal conflicts
and tensions.
Knowing what’s going on with another person allows you to be a better
communicator and speak to what people are actually feeling rather than what
they’re merely saying.
Body language signals are always there.
Every person is communicating nonverbally,
at every moment of the day.
And it is possible to not only observe this information in real-time but learn
to properly synthesize and interpret it.
You don’t need to be an expert,
and you don’t need to be perfect.
You just need to pay attention and be curious about your fellow human beings in
a way you might not have before.
As you’re developing your body language reading skills,
it may help to keep a few key principles in mind - Establish normal behavior.
One or two gestures in a conversation don’t mean much.
They could be accidental or purely physiological.
But the more you know how someone “normally” behaves,
the more you can assume that any behavior outside of this is worth looking more
closely at.
If someone always squints their eyes,
pouts,
jiggles their feet,
or clears their throat,
you can more or less discount these gestures.
Look for unusual or incongruent behavior.
Reading people is about reading patterns of behavior.
Pay special attention to clues that are unusual for that person.
Suddenly fiddling with the hair and avoiding eye contact could tell you
something is going on,
especially if this person never does either of these things normally.
You may with time come to recognize “tells” in people closest to you—they
may always wrinkle their nose when being dishonest or clear their throat
excessively when they’re afraid and pretending not to be.
Importantly,
pay close attention to those gestures and movements that seem incongruous.
Discrepancies between verbal and nonverbal communication can tell you more than
merely observing nonverbal communication alone.
It’s about context.
An obvious example is someone wringing their hands,
rubbing their temples,
and sighing loudly but who claims,
“I’m fine.
Nothing’s wrong."
It’s not the gestures that tell you this person is concealing distress,
but the fact that they’re incongruent with the words spoken.
Gather plenty of data.
As we’ve seen,
certain constricting behaviors could merely be because one is cold,
tired,
or even ill,
and expansive gestures may not be about confidence so much as feeling
physically warm and wanting to cool off.
This is why it’s important to never interpret a gesture alone.
Always consider clusters of clues.
If you see something,
note it but don’t come to any conclusions immediately.
Look to see if they do it again.
Look for other gestures that may reinforce what you’ve seen or else give
evidence for the opposite interpretation.
Check to see if the behavior repeats itself with other people or in other
contexts.
Take your time to really analyze the whole of what’s in front of you.
Look for mirroring.
An important thing to remember is that certain gestures may mean one thing in
one context or when shown to one person but have a different meaning in another
context or with someone else.
In other words,
certain gestures could literally only apply to you as you speak to this person.
If you’re not very familiar with someone,
a quick body language–reading shortcut is to merely notice whether they are
or are not mirroring your gestures,
whatever they are.
Mirroring is a fundamental human instinct;
we tend to match and mimic the behavior and expressions of those we like or
agree with,
while we don’t if we dislike a person or perceive them negatively.
If you’re in a meeting with a new client,
you may notice that no matter how friendly your voice or how often you smile
and make open-handed,
warm gestures,
they respond with coldness and closed gestures,
failing to mirror back to you your optimism.
Here,
the gestures themselves are irrelevant;
it’s the fact that they are not shared which shows you that the person
you’re dealing with is unreceptive,
hostile,
or threatened.
Pay attention to energy.
This is not some fluffy,
esoteric idea - in a group,
simply take note of where intention,
effort,
and focus are being concentrated.
Watch where energy flows.
Sometimes,
the “leader” of a group is only so in name;
the real power may lie elsewhere.
One only needs to look at how much focus and attention flows toward a baby in
the room to see this in action—the baby says and does very little yet
nevertheless commands the attention of everyone there.
Similarly,
a family may have the father as the official “leader,” and he may gesture
and talk loudly to cement this perception.
But pay attention and you may see that it’s his wife who is constantly
deferred to,
and every member of the family may show with their body language that it is in
fact their mother’s needs that take precedence,
despite what’s claimed verbally.
The most powerful voice in a room is not necessarily the loudest.
A lot can be understood about the power dynamics in a group by watching to see
where energy flows.
Who speaks the most?
Who are people always speaking to,
and how?
Who always seems to take “center stage”?
Remember that body language is dynamic.
When we speak,
the content of our language isn’t just about the words and the grammar we use
to string them together.
It’s about how we talk.
Do we say a lot or a little?
What tone of voice?
Are sentences long and complicated or short and terse?
Is everything phrased tentatively,
like a question,
or is it stated confidently,
as though it’s a known fact?
What’s the speed of delivery?
How loud?
Is it clear or mumbling?
In the same way that verbal information can vary in the way it’s
communicated,
nonverbal information can vary too.
Gestures are not static,
fixed things but living expressions that move in time and space.
Watch the flow of information in real-time.
Watch how expressions change and move in response to the environment and those
in it.
Don’t be curious about “catching” a discreet gesture,
but rather watch the flow of gestures as they change.
For example,
look at how a person walks.
Walking is like a body posture but set in motion.
Shuffling,
slow gaits suggest lack of confidence,
while springy,
quick ones suggest optimism and excitement.
Become interested in how a person responds to others in conversation or their
style of talking to those in positions of power.
Once you start looking,
you’ll be amazed at the wealth of information that’s just waiting there to
be noticed.
Context is everything.
Finally,
it bears repeating - no gesture occurs in a vacuum.
Nonverbal communication needs to be considered in relation to everything
else—just like verbal communication.
Establish patterns and learn about a person’s behavior over time,
in different contexts,
and toward different people.
Consider the situation and environment—sweating and stuttering during your
wedding vows or a big interview is understandable;
doing so when asked to explain what you’re doing snooping through someone’s
drawers is a little more suspicious.
Remember that everyone has their own unique,
idiosyncratic personality.
Factor into your analysis the fact that people are either introverted or
extroverted,
may favor emotions or intellect,
may have high or low tolerance for risk and adversity,
may thrive in stressful situations or wither in them,
and may be spontaneous and casual or goal-directed and rather serious.
Our instinctual,
evolutionarily programmed impulses can’t be hidden or resisted,
but they can take on slightly different forms depending on our unique
personalities.
Admittedly,
reading facial expressions and body language is a skill that takes time and
patience to master.
There are no quick and easy tricks to understanding people’s deeper
motivations.
However,
remember the above principles and focus on honing your powers of observation,
and you’ll soon develop a knack for seeing and understanding even tiny
ripples and flutters of behavior you might have previously missed.
We live in a world dominated by words and language.
But when you become a student of nonverbal communication,
it’s no exaggeration to say that you open yourself up to an entirely
different,
sometimes quite strange world.
The Human Body is a Whole—Read It that Way Everyone has heard an offhand
statistic which sounds a little something like,
“Ninety percent of your communication is really nonverbal."
We imagine that communication is primarily a question of language,
symbols,
noises and sounds,
and images on a page,
whereas the person creating the language is a separate physical entity
occupying space.
But in reality,
the boundary between verbal and non-verbal,
medium and message,
is always a little blurred.
In the previous sections,
we’ve explicitly considered how a person can be “read” even beyond the
content they are choosing to deliberately convey to you.
In other words,
you’re not just listening to the message they’re sending,
but listening to them,
as though their body itself were something to read and interpret.
In the discussion on detecting deceit or hidden true feelings,
we made an assumption - that what is inside a person will invariably manifest
itself somehow on the outside of a person.
This is because we instinctively understand that human beings are wholes,
i.e.,
the verbal and nonverbal are really just different aspects of the same thing.
What really is the distinction between the words and the lips that say them?
The body and the gesture that the body makes?
This may seem a little abstract,
but it turns out there’s now interesting research to back up the idea that
communication as a whole can be understood as a complete expression of a human
being.
First of all,
have you ever had a phone call with someone where you could instantly tell
whether they were smiling or not?
Call center managers will tell their staff that people can “hear smiles”
over the phone,
but how do you suppose this is actually possible?
It makes sense when we consider that a voice is not an abstract symbol,
but a real,
physiological part of the human body.
Researcher at the Donders Institute of Radboud University Wim Pouw published
some interesting findings in the PNAS journal in 2020.
He was interested in the topic we all seem to instinctively understand - that
hand gestures and facial expressions can help us better understand what is
being communicated—in fact at times a gesture can be fundamental to us
understanding the message.
In an experiment,
Pouw asked six people to make a simple noise (like “aaaaa”)
but to pair it with different arm and hand gestures as they spoke.
He then asked thirty other participants to listen to recordings of the sounds
only.
Surprisingly,
the participants were able to guess what the accompanying movements were and
even mimic them for themselves.
They could say what the movement was,
where it was performed and even how quickly the gesture was made!
How?
Pouw’s theory is that people are able to unconsciously detect subtle but
important shifts in voice pitch and volume,
as well as speed changes,
that accompany different gestures.
When you make a gesture,
your whole body gets involved,
including your voice.
In other words,
when you hear a voice,
you are hearing multiple aspects about that person’s body.
When speaking,
sound vibrates all through the connective tissues of your body,
but differences in muscle tension can arise if we are making gestures with
other parts of our body,
and we can hear these tiny adjustments in the voice.
The great thing about this particular skill is that you don’t necessarily
need to train it,
just become aware of it.
You probably never thought you could practice reading body language over the
phone,
but you can—if you understand that the voice is simply a part of a person’s
body!
Voice alone is an incredibly rich aspect of behavior to study.
When you hear someone from another room,
on a recording or over the phone,
close your eyes and imagine what their body is doing,
and what that posture or gesture might indicate.
You can undoubtedly hear age and sex through voice,
too,
but you can also infer something about a person’s ethnicity or nationality by
listening to their accent or vocabulary.
Listen to the speed,
timbre,
volume,
pitch and degree of control used.
How is the person breathing?
How are their words and the way they’re saying those words reinforcing one
another,
or perhaps undermining one another?
For example someone on the phone might be telling you how excited they are
about something,
but their slow and sluggish voice may suggest to you that they’re slouching
and folded in on themselves—and greatly overstating their excitement.
Thinking In Terms Of Message Clusters.
Let’s shift our attention away from individual physical actions that may or
not mean or suggest something else,
and instead consider human behavior in terms of the overall message it
communicates to others.
If we are feeling hostile and aggressive,
for example,
this attitude and intention will show up in every area,
from our language to our actions to our facial expressions to our voice.
Rather than trying to imagine what every possible manifestation of aggression
looks like,
we can focus on the aggression itself,
and watch for resulting clusters of behavior.
Aggression is understandably shown by confronting gestures,
or those that move actively and energetically towards a target.
Invasive,
approaching gestures that move in on another person can signify an attempt to
dominate,
control or attack.
Verbally,
this could look like an insult or a jeer,
physically it looks like standing too close,
or even displaying or exposing oneself as if to demonstrate superior strength.
Aggression is all about sudden,
impactful and targeted gestures.
It’s as though the entire body is clenched around a single pointed intention.
Assertive body language,
on the other hand,
is as forceful but not so directed.
This is a person standing their ground,
i.e.,
being firm,
balanced,
smooth and open in expression of a confidently held desire.
The aggressive person may yell,
whereas an assertive one may simply state their business with a kind of
muscular certainty that can be heard in the voice.
Submissive body language is the complement—look for “lowering,”
self-protective gestures that make the person seems smaller,
with small,
appeasing gestures like smiling excessively,
being motionless,
speaking quietly,
turning the eyes downward or assuming a vulnerable or non-threatening stance.
This is different from being genuinely open and receptive.
Relaxed,
friendly people will signal looseness—open and uncrossed arms and legs,
unguarded facial expressions,
easy speech,
or even loosening or removing outer layers of clothing to show informality.
This is a little like romantic body language,
except someone who is sexually interested will also behave in ways that
emphasize intimacy.
The focus will be on sensuality (touching the other person or the self,
preening,
stroking,
slowing down,
warm smiles)
and connection (prolonged eye contact,
questions,
agreement,
mirroring).
The overwhelming perception is that of an invitation to close distance.
Deceptive body language is anything that is characterized by a sense of tension.
Deceit is the existence of two conflicting things—for example someone
believes one thing but says another.
Look for the tension that such a disparity creates.
You want to look for anxiety,
closed body language,
and a sense of distractedness (after all,
they are processing extra data they don’t want to reveal to you!).
Look for someone who appears to be trying hard to control themselves,
with an anxious effect.
By looking at intentions behind overall communication,
we can start to read the body as a whole.
This makes it easier to gather multiple data points more quickly,
and find patterns of behavior rather than inferring too much from just a single
gesture or expression.
Consider the entire human body—the limbs,
the face,
the voice,
the posture,
the torso,
the clothing,
the hair,
the hands and fingers,
everything.
Can you see a cluster of closed off,
defensive gestures?
Is someone trying to display power,
strength and dominance?
Or are they just confident?
Is the person in front of you trying to show that they are trustworthy,
or that they have a truly valuable thing to sell you (salesman’s body
language)
or that they are greeting you with openness and respect?
In very general terms,
look for the following whole body patterns - Crossing,
closing in,
or shutting off – could signal guardedness,
suspicion,
shyness
•Expanding,
opening,
loosening – signals friendliness,
comfort,
trust,
relaxation
•Forward,
pointed,
directed – may speak to dominance,
control,
persuasiveness
•Preening,
touching,
stroking – shows romantic intentions
•Striking,
abruptness,
force,
loudness – signal energy or violence,
sometimes fear
•Repeating,
agreement,
mirroring – shows respect,
friendliness,
admiration,
submission
•In an even broader sense,
look at overall behavior and communication as an expression of
holding—holding on to,
holding in,
holding up,
holding back,
failing to hold,
holding tightly,
etc.
If you meet someone whose entire being seems to be an expression of force and
control (holding onto),
you can take your interpretation of them from here,
and better understand all the smaller data points—the hand wringing,
the tightened and pursed lips,
the furrowed brow,
the shallow breathing that seems to strangle the voice,
the high pitched tone,
the rapid blinking .
•Their body is sending you one clear,
uniform message - one of tension.
There’s something big going on that they’re trying hard to keep under wraps.
Further context clues could tell you whether this is an uncomfortable
admission,
a lie,
or simply something they’re embarrassed about sharing with you.
•Wrapping up,
how can we read and analyze people just through sight and observation?
We have covered two primary aspects - facial expressions and body language.
It’s important to note that though many aspects have been scientifically
proven (with physiological origins),
we can’t say that simple observations are foolproof.
It can never be definitive because there are too many external factors to take
into account.
But we can better understand what typical things to look for and what we can
glean from them.
•We use two types of facial expressions - micro- and macroexpressions.
Macroexpressions are larger,
slower,
and more obvious.
They are also routinely faked and consciously created.
Microexpressions are the opposite of all of those things - incredibly quick,
almost unperceivable,
and unconscious.
Psychologist Paul Ekman identified a host of microexpressions for each of the
six basic emotions and in particular has also identified microexpressions to
indicate nervousness,
lying,
or deception.
•Body language has a much broader range of possible interpretations.
Generally,
a relaxed body takes up space,
while an anxious body contracts and wants to conceal and comfort itself.
There are too many specifics to list individually,
but just keep in mind that the only true way to analyze body language is to
first know exactly what someone is like when they are normal – and then
compare back to that baseline.
•To put everything together,
we need to read the body as a whole,
and look for general clusters of behavior that work together to communicate a
unified message.
The voice can be read like other body language.
Look for signs or cues that are incongruent and don’t mesh well with the
other cues they’re giving,
this might reveal that the other person is trying to hide something if you can
notice other cues that reaffirm this conclusion.
However,
as always,
the signs you’ve picked up on could well be meaningless,
so make sure you have enough data to support them.
•People who have mastered the art of observation are like detectives,
simultaneously gathering as much data as possible that they then constantly
sift through,
looking for broad,
overall patterns that explain the whole picture in front of them.
People are complex and constantly shifting and responding to their environment.
But if you take the time to pay attention to how they engage with that
environment – in all ways – you may surprise yourself with what you can
learn.
In the next chapter,
we’ll be looking at ways to not just observe behavior,
but to actively influence it using the power of targeted questions.
•Takeaways
•It’s possible to extract loads of useful information from people merely by
using the power of observation.
•First,
observe the face,
tiny,
quick and involuntary movements of the face can “leak” a person’s true
emotions – there are six universal ones - anger,
fear,
surprise,
disgust,
happiness.
Look for microexpressions that contradict what is said verbally.
•Ex-FBI agent Joe Navarro has some tips for reading body language,
and they come from an understanding that body language is inbuilt,
automatic and ancient,
and based on fight,
flight or freeze response in humans.
For examples,
“pacifying behaviors” like • covering the neck can indicate the person
is trying to manage stress.
•Note how the body is occupying space,
and whether it is generally closed or open.
Posture and gesture can tell you about whether a person is assertive,
aggressive,
uncertain or fearful.
Bodies expand when they are comfortable,
happy,
or dominant.
They contract when unhappy,
fearful,
or threatened.
•Body language signals cannot be interpreted in isolation.
Rather,
first seek a baseline of behavior to help interpret a particular new
observation – a baseline helps you identify incongruent behavior and spot a
deception.
•Look for mirroring,
pay attention to overall energy,
and remember that body language is dynamic,
so you need to gather as much data as possible.
Then consider this data in context of history and the current environment.
•The voice is a part of the human body and speed,
timbre,
volume,
pitch,
and degree of control can signify emotional state.
The body is a whole,
with verbal and nonverbal mingling together.
•Reading “message clusters” helps us organize isolated observations,
and note whether they are aggressive,
romantic,
assertive,
deceptive ad so on,
in aggregate.
This has been
How to Extract Info,
Secrets,
and Truth:
Make People Reveal Their True Thoughts and Intentions Without Them Even Knowing It (How to be More Likable and Charismatic Book 12) Written by
Patrick King, narrated by russell newton.