Welcome back to Become a Calm Mama. I'm your host. I'm

Darlyn Childress. I am a life and parenting coach,

and I help moms learn how to become calm.

My program It's the calm mama coaching program, and this is become

a calm mama. And so today's podcast episode is really

appropriate because we're gonna talk about When you're not calm, we're

gonna talk about dysregulation and

what to do during a meltdown. When your kid is melting down,

what they really We need is coregulation. So I'm gonna talk

about coregulation and what what are the steps of

coregulating during a meltdown. And you're gonna

learn that a big part of coregulation is

you being regulated yourself and becoming calm. So

that is, I'm excited about this episode so I can share with

you how to help your kid when they're dysregulated

and then also how to help yourself. So I wanna frame this up

and first just offer to you that there are

going to be moments in parenting that are hard.

Your kids are going to have big feelings. They're gonna be disappointed. They're

gonna be frustrated. They're gonna be angry. This often happens

When you say no, right, when you tell your child,

they they they want something, like, they want a cookie. They want more screen

time. They want another book. They wanna go on a play date. They they, you

know, don't wanna go to school. They wanna stay home, whatever it is,

and you say no, Well, then that might trigger them

into some big feelings. Right? So we've all had these

moments where Our kid hits their sibling or they don't stay

in bed or they don't do their homework or they constantly ask for screen time.

They won't get off their device. Right? They hit you. They have a meltdown.

And in those moments, it is normal for you

to feel overwhelmed. It's also normal to feel a little resentful.

Like, hey, kid. I've already told you that you can't have a cookie. It's

obvious that I'm not gonna give you one. You shouldn't even be asking, and you

shouldn't get mad that I told you no. Right? So that feeling that you have

is normal. Right? And you

have your own, like, dysregulation when

your kid is upset. So if that's happening to

you, there's nothing wrong with you. That is a normal

reaction to somebody Being reactive.

Right? We talk about our stress response, and we talk about how

sometimes we look at our children's behavior, and it

feels like we are out of control, that we're being a victim

from their behavior, that we don't have any power, that we Are

vulnerable that their behavior is an emergency. All of those

feelings and those thoughts create stress inside of us, and they

trigger us into our stress response. They trigger us

into thinking, fix it, change it, stop it, solve it. I gotta do something about

it. Right? Now when that is happening to you,

Right? I think of it as like a stress juice surge.

Right? Because your body becomes overwhelmed with cortisol

and Adrenaline and epinephrine and all of these,

like, neural hemp core chemical hormones that come online

to protect you. It's like your child's

behavior is your brain is interpreting it as

an emergency, as something dangerous. It's like your child's

behavior is like you being attacked by a coyote or a cheetah or something.

So, of course, you're going to have a stress juice surge. You're

gonna feel overwhelmed in the moment. That's normal.

Now what is happening, Right? Is that

the stress juice surges, and then you go into fight,

flight, freeze, faint, fawn. You have your reaction. You have your reactivity

To the situation. So in parenting, you

know, that can look like yelling. It can look

Like threatening, it can look like going to logic and talking too much.

It can look like emotionally checking out, walking away,

You know, disconnecting from your kids in

in, like you're not actually regulating yourself. You're just kind of

disconnected from you and them. So

this thing that happens to you, I want you to know is normal. There's nothing

wrong with you. And I've heard a couple moms have been teaching teaching this

class. And, you know, 1 mom was like, what's, you know, what's wrong with

me? Like, I don't see other people yelling at their kids. I don't see other

people having these problems. I don't see other moms, You know, losing

their shit. Well, people are really good at faking it. I

just want you to know. And, also, not everybody's nervous system is

set at the same set point. Some people's nervous

system doesn't get triggered as easily. That doesn't mean they're better than

you. That just means it's easier for them when their kid is having

a, you know, meltdown that they're not triggered.

Why are you maybe more triggered than other people? I don't know, but some of

the reasons sometimes are because of trauma, because of

a codependent relationship in your childhood, because of,

this insecurity in yourself, whatever it is,

or it's just how you're built. Maybe you're a little spicy. Maybe you're a

little fiery. Maybe you have a lot of thoughts and feelings and opinions.

It's all okay. So what is happening to you

is that you are becoming dysregulated. I remember I

first started using the word dysregulated when I learned about parenting,

like, what, 2008. And

I was using this word, and everyone was like, what are you talking about? So

weird. Like, I was calling my son. I would be like, he's dysregulated right

now. And even some of my family members were making fun of me. They're like,

he's dysregulated. Like, my siblings and in laws and

stuff. I I tried not to let it bother me. I just was like, this

is what I'm learning, and this is how it is. And my kid is dysregulated

or I'm dysregulated. Started using this word. And now I've noticed it's kind of

common in, you know, the mental health world, and

and it's more people use the language. So it's cool.

So I want you to begin to use the

language with yourself because it is a very

kind and loving way to describe

your temporary temporary

emotional And physical state.

When you are in a moment where you're struggling to

understand and express your emotion in an appropriate way, You

are dysregulated. And if you can

say, oh, I'm very dysregulated. I am upset.

I'm overwhelmed. And if you could see me, I know it's a podcast, but I'm

putting my hands on my chest like, oh, look. I kind of

giggle. I've learned to, like, laugh almost when I'm

In my, like, shit show state where I kind of am,

like, almost humored by it because I it. It's like,

oh, look at you. Look at you, girl. You're a little overwhelmed right

now. Right? So you get dysregulated,

And, also, your children get dysregulated.

So a temporary state where your kid is

Struggling to understand and express their emotions in appropriate ways,

that's dysregulation. Sometimes it's called a temper

tantrum. Sometimes it's called a meltdown. And on my program, I call

it a big feeling cycle because I want you to use the word

cycle so you understand it's a temporary situation. A

cycle goes Up and down. Right? Or a circle or whatever, but it starts and

it ends. And it starts and it ends. And it starts and it ends. So

I want you to be able to see, Oh, we're in a dysregulation

cycle or a big feeling cycle. So when

your you or your child is dysregulated,

You can't think straight. That's just how it is. That's actually

what happens in a stress response is that Your brain is cut

off from thinking because thinking takes too much time. Right? If I'm

gonna be chased by a lion or a cheetah or whatever, or I'm I'm

gonna be hit by a car or something like that. I'm not like,

I wonder if I should swerve left or right. I wonder if I should run

this way. I can't stop and think. I have to respond. I have to

react. Right? That reaction is healthy and good and important in

an actual emergency. So part of learning in this podcast

is training your brain to view misbehavior

as not an emergency, Especially if you can go, oh, look.

They're struggling. When you see a kid

crying or upset because you've told them, no, they can't have more iPad

Or because you've told them they have to wear school shoes and they can't wear

sandals or whatever is happening, you are basically

their Cheetah in that moment, and your child is

dysregulated. Okay? If you can view it that

way, It might help you then apply some of the skills and

tools that you're learning in this particular episode.

So I want you to learn how to notice your child is

dysregulated and yourself. Now what happens

when someone is dysregulated? The

goal is to self regulate. Right?

That's the goal for all of us. It's Your goal for

yourself so that you can become calm. It's not to

never get dysregulated. That would be a crazy goal. It

would probably mean you weren't a human.

You are going to have temporary moments when you are overwhelmed with your

emotion. That's gonna happen. So what you're learning

is how to maybe not get as dysregulated in the 1st place.

That's part of the mindset work. But when it happens,

don't judge yourself for it. We're just gonna go, oh, I need to calm

myself. I need to self regulate. Now

My programs are designed to teach you to regulate

yourself and to give your kids the tools so that they learn to self regulate.

That's our big picture goal, lifetime goal for our

kids is that they grow up, and they know What

they're feeling. They know how to talk about their feeling, and they know what to

do with it. That is our goal. That's emotional literacy,

and that's what we're working towards. So that knowing what I'm

feeling, knowing how to talk about it, knowing what to do with that, that

that process is self regulation. So how does a kid

learn it? They learn it through coregulation.

They don't have the skills As

children, to calm and

soothe themselves. Remember last week's episode where I talked about

rhythm, Relationship and reward are the 3 r's

of regulation. And you think about having a newborn.

I've got some clients who Have newborns or about to have babies. It's

so exciting. And I know that they're such lovely mamas and

that they're gonna swaddle their babies. They're gonna shush them. They're

gonna shake them. They're gonna you know, not shake them, like, you know, bad, but,

like, kind of, you know right? And they're

gonna Jumble them up and down, and they're gonna sway. Right?

So we have those ways that we soothe

newborns and how we teach them, like, you're Safe. You're

okay. And we talk to them in a soothing calm

voice, and we come near and go, baby. You're crying. It's okay.

They're little. They're like new newborns, infants. They heart they can't

understand us. But yet, we go and we soothe them

because we can see that they need soothing. So

you're already experts at coregulation as moms.

You have done it Hundreds of times.

But what happens is as our kids get to be a little, like, a 2,

everyone's like, oh, terrible know, we kind of,

like, allow some temper tantrumming at 2. But then once they get to,

like 3 is usually pretty easy age, actually. But then you get

to 4, and, like, there's it's called the fucking fours for a reason.

Right? And so you have your kids who are

Totally, you know, having big meltdowns and temper tantrums and

big feeling cycles, and all of a sudden you're like, no. They don't they should

be they should know better. They're 4,

which is really funny because if you have a 14 year old, you're like, of

course, a 4 year old doesn't know better. But if you have a 4 year

old, you're thinking they should know better. Ironically, if you have a 14 year old,

you're thinking they should know better. But then if you have a 24 year old,

you're like, they're only 14. My birthday's this weekend. I'm

about to be 48, and I should know better. Right? But sometimes

I don't Because I get dysregulated, I have

temporary moments where I need support. I need to either self

regulate and self soothe, Or sometimes I

love it when someone comes near me and they are present

with my dysregulation, and they come and offer

me Support. So you are doing that for

your kids. You are learning how to calm

yourself And all the different things you've learned in this

podcast, and if you've taken my class, we really talk about

how to reframe your mindset Around misbehavior

so that you feel calmer about it. And then when it happens and you're

dysregulated, how to calm yourself. Right? That's the whole purpose of the program

It's to calm yourself and then how to help your kids calm

themselves. We do that through connection and limit set

and correction. That's the calm mama process. Right? I

calm myself. I connect with my kids, which is also today, you can think about

as coregulate. And then I set limits to teach them what boundaries

Are and how they work, and then I let them, in correction, have impact.

So how do you coregulate? What are you supposed to

be doing? Coregulation, it's defined

as a warm and responsive interaction

that provides the support, Coaching and modeling

a child needs in order to learn and practice emotional

regulation skills. So what

what is it that you're actually doing when you are coregulating?

The first thing Is your calm and present?

So when we say it's a warm and responsive

interaction, That is you going towards

the person, the child, who seems to be upset.

That means we're not putting them in a time out.

We're not threatening them with a takeaway.

We're not grabbing their body or pushing them or

pinching them. We're not it's a it's warm and

responsive. It's a calm presence

Since with them, you go towards them. Now not every child wants you to

go that close. That's okay. We wanna respect the little animal

that's inside of them, that That little, you know, activated animal,

it might not want it might feel very, very,

afraid. Maybe in the past, you've come in a little hot.

You've come in a little strong, and you're trying to to change your

behavior. Well, your child doesn't know which mom is coming right now.

So they might not need you to get so close, but you can be calm

and present in your heart. That's the first thing we're doing. Now

remember That if you are dysregulated, you cannot

coregulate. What might happen if you're dysregulated,

your child might try to, soothe you. That's not healthy.

That's codependence. Or

you will just escalate the situation and trigger them into deeper,

fear, deeper stress. So we wanna make sure we're calm and

present. If you're not able to do it, just calm yourself, take a

break, and it's okay to let your kids self regulate. It's

okay to let your kids sort of cry a bit and

work it out. It's actually long term healthy

for them to learn to self regulate. But, obviously, it's gonna take a

lot more work for them, be much more tiring, and they're gonna be really messy

about it. They might hit and scream and go to their room and throw

stuff and hit their sister. Like, they might continue to be dysregulated.

And the idea here is that you really do go and be present with

them as much as you possibly can.

Now if you're gonna go and activate them, don't do it. Just be neutral.

Okay. So you're calm. We're imagining you're all calm. You You show up.

Kid is upset. They're mad you said no. They're crying. They don't

wanna put those shoes on. Right? Or they're older, and they're like,

I hate homework. It sucks. My teacher's so stupid. Or they're you know,

they refuse to do something that you've told them to do. Whatever's going on. So

you're gonna be calm, you're in present, and then you're gonna validate their emotion.

What's that mean? It's a connection tool. Right? It's going

in and saying, I I see

you're, you know, screaming or, you know, you're you're yelling,

I hate you or, You know, you're crying. You're kinda trying to

show that they're showing some behavior, that there's something

on the outside that you can see, and you're connecting the thing on the

outside with the thing on the inside. So you're like,

oh, you know, like, I see or you can you don't have to have, nice

affect. You can be like, wow. I hear you. You are yelling. I

hate you. And then we go to the validate the emotion. I wonder if

you're feeling angry. I wonder if you're feeling disappointed. I wonder if

you're feeling hurt. So however you kind of

go in there, we're Validating the emotion

by helping them name it. They don't know what

it's called. They don't know. They kinda know

words like frustrated. You know, little kids, they kinda

know really were big words. Like, some of them some of my clients' kids will

be like, I'm dysregulated because they've been taught.

That's great. That's using your words. So we have to give them words in order

for them to No. Right? So we're validating their

emotion. Of course, you're hurt. Of course, you're sad. I

love to say, it makes sense that you're angry. It makes sense that you're

mad. It's one of my favorite phrases. That makes sense. That makes

sense. It's okay. Right? So So then

we're gonna listen. Maybe they have some things to complain about.

Maybe they wanna do a little protest. And then We're gonna

offer ways to manage their big feelings. So we're

gonna be like, yeah. Of course, you're really mad. Do you wanna hit

this? You're hitting The wall or you're kicking the wall do you wanna kick

something? Let's kick this. Woah. You have a

lot of big energy. Hey. Let's go outside with that big energy or show me

how Big this energy is, show me with your body.

Right? We're giving them some tools. I go into

that a lot in the course. But you can use your best

judgment. Come up with some ideas. Things that kids can do with their big

feelings. And this last one Is

you know, what to do when your child is dysregulated is really

important, and it's this. Trusting

That your child can handle their feelings.

We wanna deeply know That this

feeling, if our kid is hurt, disappointed,

sad, scared, angry, any emotion,

We wanna believe that they can handle that emotion,

that you're there to help them and support them And

validate that emotion and give them some tools. But deep down, I

want you to believe that they are okay even

when they're sad, That they're okay even when

they're so scared. That it's okay

for them to be that way, and it's temporary

That they can overcome that emotion at that time.

Now some kids have big feeling cycles over and over and over and over

again. That's okay. I want you to some

days, like, you had a 4 year old and they don't nap anymore, you're gonna

have a lot of big feeling cycles from, like,

2 on. 3:3 o'clock on.

It's like, yeah. Get that kid to bed. Like, honestly, when Sawyer

dropped his nap, He went to bed at 5:30, you guys.

He was so he was such a mess. I would just be like, put him

to bed. And, I mean, I don't even know if he knows this. He doesn't

listen to the podcast, but Lincoln and I would pretend that he was

going to bed too. And, like, we would put on pajamas and everything like that

and, like, brush our teeth, and Lincoln would go to his room. And then Sarah

would fall asleep really fast, and then we would just, like, keep going with our

evening. Lincoln used to do, like, evening events, and my friends would have

to drop you know, pick him up because Sarah was asleep and Kevin wasn't home.

So There are times when our kids have a lot of big

feelings, and they they might cycle through over and over and

over again. That's exhausting for you. I get it.

But those are we're looking to try to decrease

frequency, intensity, and duration. So we

wanna try, like okay. Maybe they have 4 or 5 in a day.

Okay. That's okay. That let's just be, like, like, almost like data

scientist. Like, okay. For today, what's that about? What's

going on? And then, like, let's see how long did they last? How intense were

they? Let's see if we can Lower the temperature a little bit.

Less intense. Right? How you're looking to see your

kids decreasing in their big feeling cycles

In the duration of them, how long they last, how frequent they are, and how

intense they are, and that's your clue that you're giving them the

tools to self regulate. You have to see it as

a learning strategy. You don't expect,

like, a kid to learn how to read the first

time they are exposed to the alphabet. Right?

You're not like, oh my god. They're illiterate. They don't know how to read yet,

and I've already taught them the alphabet, like, 5 times. Like,

no one would ever say that. But yet when you

are teaching your kid emotional literacy, It's

like, they're still having meltdowns. Yeah.

Because they're at only at the, like, you know, Being able to

sound out cat, like cat. Right? They're not able to see read

sentences yet. That's how they are in their emotional literacy. Like, Oh, yeah. They can

name the feeling, but they don't know what to do with it. Cool. They can

name it. Amazing. That's fine. I want you to see it

as A long term parenting goal.

Alright? So when your kid has

a big feeling cycle, They are dysregulated,

and it is not your job to fix anything.

Nothing has gone wrong. You don't need to change

the circumstance, give them the candy anyway, or

let them skip school, or don't let them you know? You can still

hold those boundaries and let your kids have their big

feeling cycle. So in the middle of that big feeling cycle, if you need to

take up if you cannot Regulate with them. Go take a pause break.

It's always a benefit to you and to your child. Take time to reset your

stress response. Self regulate, And then

coregulate. Being calm and present,

validating that emotion. It makes sense. Makes sense you would

feel upset. Listen and soothe.

Yeah. Okay. Tell me more. What's going on? And

then, Okay. Well, you know what? Those big feelings make sense. So why don't

we go ahead and take those big feelings? We push them out of our body

a little bit. Right? Or older kids like, wow. You have some big

feelings. Why don't you go ahead and take some you know, go to your room

and, like, listen to some music kinda loudly? You can give them some

options, and then you're trusting. Yep. Temporary. If

you look at your child, you're like, they're so sad. Oh

my god. They're gonna be so mad at me, and, oh my god. It's gonna

if you're freaking out about their big feelings, they're gonna freak out about

their big feelings, they're not gonna get over them as fast. So the

idea there is that you are really confident.

Yep. Of course. Yep. Makes sense. You can have those

big feelings. It's okay. Can you hit your brother? No.

No. Everybody stays safe in this house, But you can be really mad. You can

be Superman. You need to hit something. Go hit this thing. Hit mommy's

hands. I love that. Like, offering your kid, like, you put your hand

up, And then you're like, go ahead. Well, up to, like, 6 or 7. Okay?

Don't do this with, like, a 14 year old. That might hurt you. But like

a little kid, you can be like, put your go ahead. Punch mommy. Punch mommy's

hand. Your body. Right? You just wanna give them a way to

push those big feelings. I like to say, you know,

Oh, you got big feelings. Let's dump them out. Let's dump them. Right? And you

can do this up till 8 or 9. When in my my course,

I teach you about the big feeling basket, you're let's go to big feeling basket.

Let's go find something and do this up till 10. So all of these strategies

are up till 10, but then coregulation happens all along.

With my teenagers and when they were, you know, young adolescents,

I really just had to kinda, like, listen for a while, validate. Yeah. Sounds

hard. That makes sense. Of course. You're really mad at dad. I understand.

Or like, man, that kid is annoying. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. We're listening. I'm with a compassionate witness, and then I'm

like, hey. I'm actually at capacity. I'm not open to

listening to this anymore. So, how

to handle that protest? I give you Some strategies in the newsletter that

I sent out on Tuesday this past week. If you're listening to this live if

you don't get my newsletters, Like, if you listen to the

podcast, but you're not subscribed to my you

know, in my audience to my newsletter, You're missing out on

some really good stuff. So I

encourage you to go to calm mama coaching .com, my

website, And start honestly with the stop yelling cheat

sheet that's right there at the top. You know, you'd sign up for

that. You get the pause break. You get all these Strategies to calm yourself,

and then you get to be on my newsletter. I send

1 on Tuesdays and then the podcast email on Thursdays. And then if I'm promoting

Oh, and, like, telling you about a new class, then I'd send quite a

few right back the week before so that you don't miss

it. And that is happening. Actually, if you're listening to this

live, the emotionally healthy kids class is starting again. We're starting the

fall session. It's a 6 week class with 6 months of additional,

private coaching with me, and that class starts October 12th.

We're meeting Thursday mornings at 9 AM Pacific, 12

PM eastern. And it's for people

with kids ages 3 to 11. So that's the this class. And

you just learn all all the stuff. All things you learn on the podcast, you

learn in the class, but with me teaching live. The classes are

not haven't been that big, so you get a lot of personalized attention. And then,

of course, you get to be in my coaching program for, 6

additional months after that. The cost is $500. Enrollment is

open. Highly recommend it. I'm not gonna offer it again for

a while, I think. I don't know. We'll see how this one goes. But I

was planning not to offer it again till March of next year, which is a

long time. So do it now, and, I hope you have

a great week, and I hope you feel really regulated all week

long. Alright, mamas. I will talk

to you