Okay, let's talk about love, and a specific form of

love. self love. Now, don't roll your eyes and tell yourself,

that's not for me. I tried it, I looked in the mirror, I told

myself, I love myself, then really work? Well, it's not easy

to love yourself, I completely give you that. But it's also not

impossible. Now, you may not even know how much you love

yourself. So let's do a little test. Think about a person, or

an animal that you deeply love. And you really feel like yeah, I

have a very close connection to this creature. Feel that

feeling? And then on a scale from one to 10? How strong is

his feeling? 10 being the strongest one the weakest? Give

it a number. And then think about yourself. Think about how

much do I love myself? Do you have a similar feeling? And what

number would you give that feeling? Now chances are that

that number is way lower than the number for the person that

you really love and appreciate. Why is that? Why do we have such

a hard time loving ourselves? Now personally, I think it has a

lot to do with self love being not something we are taught how

to do the same thing with feeling good about yourself

feeling confident, often our peers, teachers, parents set us

more up for making us humble, not feeling too proud, too good,

because that may be seen as arrogant. And that has then

also, of course, an effect on self love. But imagine for a

moment that you are stuck with a person 20 473 175 days or longer

per year, until the very last breath you take. Wouldn't it be

better to not fight this person to not be always in conflict or

down on that person, but somehow learn to appreciate, maybe start

with accept, and then eventually love that person. I mean, our

relationship with ourselves is the one that should be the most

precious, the most important one.

But in contrast to that, most of us are really struggling with

that relationship with ourselves. Because we are

telling ourselves, well, I should be thinner, I shouldn't

get old, I should be more successful, I should be more fun

I should be you name it, there's so much that we are telling

ourselves is wrong with us. And that is the wall that we are

building between us and self love. So how do we create more

self love? How do we make self love our new default setting?

Well, as I said, it's not as easy as having a little light

switch that you turn on. And then all of a sudden, you feel

all these warm, fuzzy feelings about yourself. But I have been

teaching people to love themselves for almost 20 years.

And what I've found is it's absolutely not only doable, it's

in evitable if you do the right steps, and I want to share four

of those steps with you today. Because I think we all can do

those. And we can all ultimately implement those. It's about

building a relationship. You know how you have to build a

relationship with a new person in your life and eventually

trust that person. And you trust that person through gaining

evidence and positive experiences. It's the same thing

about self love. You have to build it gradually and you have

to work on it. Just like in any and every relationship every

day. Put a little bit more focus and energy into it. And

eventually your self love becomes a rock solid. Okay.

Let's start with it. The first step is letting go of resistance

to loving yourself and instead accepting yourself I know that

sounds really hard. And for some of you, it may sound like hey, I

could climb Mount Everest in, in flip flops, but that I don't

think it's possible. Well, when you really think about self

acceptance, it's ultimately not that you are immediately saying,

Oh, yes, I appreciate everything that I have for everything I am.

It's simply finding peace with it, and, and finding a way to

befriend yourself gradually, with what you have. And for

that, you need to stop undermining that what is

ultimately creating self acceptance. to think through the

course of the day, how often Your mind is bashing you, how

often you are telling yourself negative things, how often

you're comparing yourself with others, how often you're looking

through other people's eyes, at yourself. This is how you give

your power away. This is how you disconnect from yourself. And

this is how you ultimately become either a stranger or even

an enemy to yourself. So self acceptance is a step forward

toward self love. And it's a very important step, to really

see that I have no other choice, then to find peace with myself,

because otherwise, I will live in constant struggle in war with

myself. It's the step of I choose peace, over conflict. And

for that, you just have to also realize that whatever I'm

telling myself, I would never tell anyone I love and care

about whatever I compare myself with, I would never dare to do

this to my partner to my sibling or my parents. I only do this to

myself. For next time you notice that you are, again, undermining

your self acceptance, simply tell yourself No, I'm not doing

this. This is not fair to me. And instead, think about one or

two things that actually are something you accept about

whatever you criticized, you know, let's say you're feeling

like, Oh, I'm a loser because I have such a miserable job. And

then you're asking yourself, Well, does it really build self

acceptance? Of course it doesn't. So you stop yourself

and you tell yourself No, I actually appreciate I accept

about this job that I am showing up that I'm doing myself that I

am someone who is trying to be self responsible and self

reliant and make money even though it's not my passion.

The beauty about self acceptance is that it also then opens you

up for the possibility of change of doing better. Because I'm not

saying that self acceptance or self love is automatically

saying, Well, I'm done. No more work to do. I'm just saying that

if you accept yourself, you are more able to then say with this

energy, that you're not wasting and fighting yourself, what can

I do better? How can I make a change? How can I progress, and

that's certainly much easier from a place of self acceptance,

then from a safe place of self rejection. Now a simple exercise

that I have been doing many years now and that I find, also

my clients are really benefiting from is to simply greet yourself

with openness and a friendly smile, to looking in the mirror

in the morning when you see yourself Yes, maybe you have a

messy hair and maybe you're not really at your finest but just

looking at yourself. Like you would see a very nice friend or

a beloved person with a smile. Hi. So nice to see you. So glad

you're here. Have a great day. You know what happens

physiologically when you are grading yourself from this

acceptance place? Or from that friendly nurse and from that

kindness is that your mind is really feeling like okay,

obviously that person that he or she sees is someone that is

liked is embraced is accepted. Just by smiling and saying

something friendly with the right tone of voice. The

feedback in your mind is okay, that person is okay. It is safe

to be that person and something inside changes rather than grim.

submit yourself, rather than avoiding looking at yourself,

start the day with that openness. And this is how you

gradually build self acceptance. So self acceptance is letting go

of always putting yourself down. It is about thinking how you

would not do this to anybody else, finding something else

that you find good about whatever you have been, in that

moment criticizing yourself for shifted around. And then in the

morning, grade yourself, and also when you go to bed and

brush your teeth, same thing, oh, I hope you had a great day,

I heard you did this. And that, I hope that was fun. Just have a

little, even though it may silly, friendly conversation

with your mirror image. And this way, find there is an openness

of the mind and a calmness of the mind to see you and to

recognize you as a friend, and not any longer as an adversary.

So that's number one. Number two is explore yourself, you know

how in any relationship while you start going on a date. And

usually you pick, you know, coffee, or drinks or laid on

maybe going for dinner? And that's the beginning. But then

you are exploring. So what are the interests that you can

share? Or what are the things that are, you know, maybe

exciting for both of you. There has been a study that actually

showed that couples that have been together for a while those

that have a good relationship continuously build this

relationship on new experiences, new exciting experiences, like

finding a new hobby, or traveling or creating something

new together, that exploration is creating a bond between two

people. Now that exploration can also create a bond inside of us.

So rather than always being in this, well, this is who I am.

And this is how I'm supposed to be like a client of mine who

said, Well, I am known and loved for being bubbly and fun and

always positive and always there for other people life of the

party. And then at some point, she realized that's only a very

small fraction of who I am. And there is something much deeper

and more introvert and quieter inside of me. And I never dare

to really go there and explore it until she had a bout of

depression. And then she was kind of forced to just, it's

almost like lock herself in and look at herself in a new way.

And what she found out was that she just love stillness. She

loves actually to be in nature and just sit and even meditate.

She loves to contemplate and not have to talk or be always up.

And that side of her she learned more and more to appreciate as

her sensitive site. And it's also the side that she felt was

much more intuitive and helped her much more to move forward in

life and seek out for things that are more purposeful and

meaningful for her. So that exploration of what she didn't

know or in the past hadn't really except it helped her to

feel much closer to herself.

You get to not find who you are in your comfort zone. And we are

always way more than we think we are. There's always so much more

to us to discover. I in fact believe that self discovery is

one of the biggest and most important purposes in life to

really figure out more and more, what gifts, what talents, what

beautiful inner resources we have. And so what I would

suggest in order to create more self love, just explore yourself

more, understand more your preferences, what you're drawn

to what you're good at what you know, your piques your interest,

open yourself up and make your life interesting. So many people

struggle with self love because they don't get love from the

outside. And so basically, for the lack of a relationship with

somebody else, they also feel like they shouldn't have a

relationship with himself. But if you're alone, if you're not

in a relationship, there is nothing more important than the

relationship with yourself. To just treat yourself from now on,

like someone that you want to know know better that you want

to learn to know better and more intimately and explore what your

heart, your mind, your spirit, your body, really enjoy. And

that, again will create a stronger foundation of

connection with yourself. The third step is appreciating

yourself. Now appreciating yourself is something that most

of us have a hard time. I was told when I really felt good

about myself because I was when I started high school, a D

student. In all sudden I was a best in class, not without

sleepless nights and a lot of anxiety. But somehow I mustered

up the strength and the resilience to, to really work

hard. And when I really boasted about luck, I have all A's, my

parents only said, Well, you know, you're doing this for

yourself, don't feel too good about yourself. People think

you're arrogant, and no one likes arrogant. So that bashed

myself appreciation quite a bit. And from that on point on, I

always kind of, you know, understated any of my successes,

just because I felt Oh, no, I don't want other people think

that I'm conceited, or that I'm looking down on them, which I

never did.

So appreciation, self appreciation is a is a power,

kind of an art form, that most of us have to learn what I

suggest. And actually today, just the client told me about

how she uses this every day and how it really changed her life.

Write down three things you appreciate about yourself every

day. And I suggest for you to appreciate different aspects of

yourself on that day, meaning like not in general, like, Well,

I appreciate that I'm smart, I am appreciating that I'm a hard

worker, I'll leave you know this already. It's really nothing

new, it doesn't really evoke any emotions inside of you. It's

kind of boring. So you want to be specific on that day. What

about that day? Did you really feel good about yourself? If

this would be somebody else you would tell them good job, thank

you so much, or give them a compliment. So what is it about

you and it doesn't have to be very big, can be small. But it

needs to be something that creates a warm feeling inside of

you. So appreciate your body. Maybe you were really, you know,

dragging yourself to the gym, and then you were still somehow

making it through a whole class and you were actually able to,

you know, succeed and feel like Well, my body actually followed

through, even though I didn't feel like it. So I appreciate

the strength of my body. Or maybe you were sick for a while

and your body recovered. That one thing to appreciate, maybe

you could appreciate your mind because there was a problem at

work and you found the solution. Or maybe you appreciate your

mind that you had a great idea how to, you know, make a friend

happy for their birthday. Appreciate your hearts, because

maybe you were very kind on this day, calmly and patiently

listening to someone that you know, open their heart and share

their grievance with you. Or maybe you just were able with

your heart for a moment to find peace. There is all this noise

around you and you were just sitting in this little bubble of

peace and, and just felt compassion for the whole world.

To all possible, those little moments of yourself that you

could really appreciate, may show up way more often than you

think it's just a matter of taking note of it, and then

writing it down. And this way you are collecting evidence

about your goodness, evidence of who you really are at the core

and that this is a warm, caring, strong, loving person. And yes,

again, there may be things you think, Oh, I wish I could do

this better, or I wish I could change that and that's all

possible. But appreciation is such a better baseline, to feel

motivated to make change, then self criticism. So now you

accept you are exploring more who you are. You're appreciating

yourself more deeply every day. These are all really good habits

to have. And the fourth one that leads to self love is treating

yourself as if you would be your own person. They're your own

Beloved, indulge yourself. And indulging yourself is what we do

when we love someone, you know, there is a saying we care for

those we love. So if you start caring for yourself and

wondering, Oh, I wish I could give myself this, you know, a

nice massage or a foot rub, or, Wow, this looks so great. This

whole plate of fresh berries. Yes, I know it's a little

expensive, but it really will make me happy.

There is this whole love language, you know, research at

most, you may know that there are five specific love

languages, words of affirmation, quality, time, physical touch,

gifts, and acts of service. And usually, what we want to give

others would be a naturally good at giving to others, is what

also makes us feel really loved. But think about it. Let's say

for example, you really love to give gifts. How stingy? Are you

with yourself? Are you really generous and say yeah, I love

that sweater, I gonna bide myself for my birthday, great.

Probably not. So give yourself your love language, maybe it is

about touch, and then get touched. You know, go somewhere

where you feel like yeah, I have a great cranial sacrum or I have

an acupuncture, whatever feels good to you, that makes you feel

pampered and attended to quality time. Take yourself on a date.

Take yourself to the movies, or maybe even go and you know, find

a little vacation a getaway that you can just indulge yourself

in. I do this every year, every year, I go for three or four

days to Germany by myself, just to indulge myself, see some

friends go to the spa. And just feel like I can pamper myself,

and really nourishes my relationship with myself. And I

think that's something that we owe to ourselves. Because when

we really think about how hard our mind and our body and our

our heart are working every day, we are not giving enough back.

And that is often where the relationships are falling apart

with other people, when we are not acknowledging how much we

really do. Embrace and love whatever this relationship

brings into our life. So this whole idea of indulging yourself

and in celebrating yourself and giving back to yourself is

again, adding to that what you ultimately want, which is to

love yourself. See these four steps. They're not rocket

science, they are basically based on what we naturally do

with others. Maybe, you know, it has been a while that you were

in a relationship that I know that you have loved and I know

that you were loved. And if you really just follow those tracks

and think about this is what I did. And this is what others did

for me in order to feel loved. You just start to do very

similar things with yourself. And you avoid those that you

know are breaking that love that trust undermining this feeling

of closeness. I don't believe that self love is something that

will happen overnight. It may start with this acceptance, it

may even start with just the desire to do better, and to

maybe start respecting yourself. And as you are following those

steps and gradually building more and more an understanding

of who you are of your brilliance and really feeling

more and more that you can nurture yourself with positive

thoughts and appreciation. And then also giving yourself these

little gifts of time or real gifts or anything that you

desire so that you feel I can be the source of joy, of happiness

of pleasure to myself, that relationship to yourself. You

may not think immediately as Oh, I love myself, but you will feel

close to yourself. You will feel connected to yourself and you

actually will feel that you are becoming your closest and best

friend. And that is a worthy goal to pursue and certainly