The ancient Greeks said that if you see more similarities than differences,
Speaker:you have infatuation. If you see more differences than similarities,
Speaker:you have resentment. If you see a balance of similarities and differences,
Speaker:you have love.
Speaker:In order to discuss relationships, in order to have a relationship,
Speaker:you have to relate between yourself and somebody else.
Speaker:So what exactly are these two people that are having this dynamic?
Speaker:And one thing I've learned in the last 50 years of my research is that human
Speaker:beings live moment by moment by a set
Speaker:of priorities, a set of values in their life that are unique, like fingerprints,
Speaker:specific to them. And no two people have the same vantage points,
Speaker:same voids, and therefore same values, that drive their life.
Speaker:And in this set of values or hierarchy of values that are unique to that
Speaker:individual, whatever's highest on the value list,
Speaker:they are spontaneously inspired to do.
Speaker:Their ontological identity revolves around it. So if you ask them who are they,
Speaker:they will say whatever's highest on their value. If they
Speaker:have a high value on raising children, they'll call themselves a mother.
Speaker:If they have a high value on raising a business or building a business,
Speaker:they'll call themselves an entrepreneur, for instance.
Speaker:Their teleological purpose is targeted in their highest value,
Speaker:and their epistemological area of knowledge is maximized
Speaker:So who they are and what they know, what iss inspiring to them,
Speaker:what they spontaneously want to do, is all revolving around that highest value.
Speaker:So when you're in a relationship with them, you have two people,
Speaker:each with a higher values, each communicating, hopefully,
Speaker:in each other's values, or the relationship starts breaking down.
Speaker:Think of it as a customer. If you have a customer,
Speaker:they have a certain set of needs, values, and if you provide a product,
Speaker:service or idea that matches those dominant buying values,
Speaker:dominant buying motives, the thing that they want the most,
Speaker:they're engaged and they participate and want to have a fair exchange with you.
Speaker:And they'll keep doing it as long as you keep providing something for them,
Speaker:that's a fair exchange. Well relationships are no different,
Speaker:relationship with customers, relationship with employees,
Speaker:relationship with people, relationship with closest loved ones,
Speaker:spouses. Believe it or not, it's a consumer game. <Laugh>,
Speaker:people are wanting to get something for something. You know,
Speaker:I've interviewed people in my signature program, the Breakthrough Experience,
Speaker:and I found that when you actually look at what men and women are looking for in
Speaker:relationship, they're looking for somebody that's, you know, fit, attractive,
Speaker:they're looking for somebody that's intelligent,
Speaker:they're looking for somebody that's ambitious,
Speaker:they're looking for somebody that's got resources,
Speaker:or at least as many resources they do.
Speaker:They're looking for somebody that really wants to be with them, that really,
Speaker:you know, has affection for them,
Speaker:they're looking for somebody that's got social savvy and can connect with the
Speaker:people that are important to them in their lives.
Speaker:They are looking for somebody that's actually inspired
Speaker:mission in life. And that's attractive. And I've asked thousands of people,
Speaker:hundreds of thousands of people about how many of you are looking for that?
Speaker:And they're all put their hands up.
Speaker:They're wanting to fulfill the seven areas of their life to the maximum,
Speaker:and they're trying to filter out of the options that they have in a relationship
Speaker:to get the best package they can,
Speaker:to get the most advantage to fulfilling those areas as possible.
Speaker:So the more in line and congruent you are with what you value most,
Speaker:the more you empower those areas.
Speaker:And the more you ask how is mastering those areas helping you fulfill what's
Speaker:most meaningful, the more success you are at doing that,
Speaker:the more achieving you are in those areas,
Speaker:and the more magnetic you are in attracting relationships and keeping them.
Speaker:And I've seen people that have been in relationships and when all of a sudden
Speaker:their fitness is going down, their, you know, their intelligence is dropping,
Speaker:their ambitions are dropping, their resources are dropping,
Speaker:their affection is dropping, their social connections are dropping,
Speaker:their inspiration is dropping,
Speaker:sometimes the partner they're with is starting to lose inspiration to be
Speaker:with them. So we really have sort of a responsibility our whole life,
Speaker:particularly if we get in a long-term relationship,
Speaker:to keep empowered in those areas as much as possible,
Speaker:which is my job in educating,
Speaker:trying to give people the most advantage in those areas.
Speaker:It's one of the reasons I teach the Breakthrough
Speaker:do.
Speaker:Now because we're in a relationship with someone and
Speaker:they're trying to fulfill what's most important to them in the seven areas of
Speaker:their life, and you're trying to do the same,
Speaker:you want the best bang for the buck, you want the best package you can get,
Speaker:and you want to constantly surround yourself with people that you believe give
Speaker:you the most advantage over disadvantage in any moment in time.
Speaker:So you're literally hanging out with people that are giving you advantages in
Speaker:each of those areas and they are too, the person you're in relationship with.
Speaker:And if you don't provide that, they go somewhere else. <Laugh>.
Speaker:I say anything you're not willing to, you know, offer your mate,
Speaker:you got to be willing to delegate, somebody else is going to provide it.
Speaker:Any area of your life you're not empowered in,
Speaker:people are going to overpower you. You know,
Speaker:I had a gentleman that was upset because a woman walked off with another guy.
Speaker:They were just dating, but she went off with another guy and I said,
Speaker:what are you offering her?
Speaker:And when he really looked at it compared to the other guy,
Speaker:the guy was offering more in her eyes,
Speaker:and he wasn't really providing in the seven areas what she was looking for.
Speaker:And she has a right to go and select out of the thing, the best package she can.
Speaker:I think all animals and, you know, are trying to get the best package they can.
Speaker:I was in Antarctica and I was looking at the beautiful penguins,
Speaker:and I was watching penguins,
Speaker:female penguins were actually selecting the males and the males were trying to
Speaker:show off for the females and they were trying to get the best package and
Speaker:whoever had the male penguins with the biggest pile of rocks,
Speaker:the hottest looking penguins were attracted to <laugh>.
Speaker:It's not much difference in humans. But
Speaker:in relationship,
Speaker:there are three things that I found that really help in increasing
Speaker:the probability of having a sustainable relationship,
Speaker:if that's what you're interested in.
Speaker:And I'm not going to say it has to be that way. I've met my,
Speaker:I had grandparents that lived, you know, I think 80 years together.
Speaker:They died at one hundred and 101 I believe. And they were in their 20,
Speaker:I think when they first got together.
Speaker:And they know they had freaking 80 year marriage relationship.
Speaker:I thought, that's amazing. But they had kind of an average life. It wasn't, wow,
Speaker:it wasn't super exciting. It was,
Speaker:and I don't think there was some sort of afterlife points that they were getting
Speaker:because they stayed together or whatever. It's they had obviously vows together.
Speaker:They were Italian tradition and they stayed together and that's how they were.
Speaker:But I've also met a woman who was 94 years old that had
Speaker:just climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, had been married five times.
Speaker:Each one she escalated her income off of. She did well,
Speaker:she said to me when she told me, she said,
Speaker:all my husband's died having sex with her. And I thought, well,
Speaker:that's an interesting one. I wasn't going to be interested in that topic. But,
Speaker:but in the process of doing it, I thought, well, here's a lady alive,
Speaker:she's got 30 years worth of goals,
Speaker:she's 94 years old and she's traveling the world. I said, well,
Speaker:here's a lady that's just as fulfilled as my grandparents were.
Speaker:So I don't want to put a box about how it's supposed to be. You know,
Speaker:there's all kinds of moral hypocrisies about how you are to be.
Speaker:And of course around the world, there's no universal moralities around that.
Speaker:It changes through time and space and the predictabilities and you know,
Speaker:the probabilities of each of these are different each, each decade and century.
Speaker:So I don't want to say that this is how it has to be and if you're not that way,
Speaker:there's some flaw in you or that you've made a mistake or you're failing in a
Speaker:relationship, I find that just unproductive. The question is,
Speaker:is are you mastering the art of communicating what
Speaker:other people want?
Speaker:Are you mastering the art of reflective awareness and seeing that what you see
Speaker:in them is inside you so you're less judgmental?
Speaker:People want to be loved and appreciated for who they are,
Speaker:and who they are is an expression of what they value most.
Speaker:And they're not wrong with what they value, because that varies.
Speaker:And you'll see a whole spectrum of people out there in the world with all the
Speaker:different value systems out there.
Speaker:So you're not right and they're not wrong and you're not wrong and they're not
Speaker:right. They're just different.
Speaker:And sometimes similarities will overlap and sometimes quite different. You know,
Speaker:if you think you're going to find somebody that's exactly like you,
Speaker:you'll have the twilight zone and you'll want to probably end their lives within
Speaker:a short period of time. You know, I always say that you're looking in,
Speaker:you're looking for a relationship,
Speaker:you're looking for somebody that's going to have both support and challenge.
Speaker:The ancient Greeks said that if you see more similarities than differences,
Speaker:you have infatuation. If you see more differences than similarities,
Speaker:you have resentment. If you see a balance of similarities and differences,
Speaker:you have love. And I think that that's probably reality.
Speaker:No two people have the same set of values.
Speaker:No two people are going to see exactly eye to eye.
Speaker:And you're going to have things that you get along with and things that are
Speaker:supportive and other things that are challenging.
Speaker:Agreements and disagreements and slugs and hugs are parts of life,
Speaker:or hugs and slugs are parts of life. So I think that that's realistic.
Speaker:If you have a fantasy, you're supposed to get support without challenge,
Speaker:or positive without negative, or nice without mean, or kind without cruel,
Speaker:or generous without stingy, or only one-sided,
Speaker:or you're expecting them to live only in your values and not their own,
Speaker:or you're expecting you to be one-sided or you live in their values,
Speaker:not your own, that's another delusion that you'll probably face.
Speaker:But when you understand that you're there to communicate what you value in terms
Speaker:of what they value, not making yours or theirs right or wrong,
Speaker:but appreciating how theirs serves you and you serve them,
Speaker:now you have the potential for having a sustainable relationship.
Speaker:Just like if you were, if you were having a customer.
Speaker:So there are three little steps,
Speaker:little action steps you can do that can assist you on a relationship,
Speaker:if you want a long-term relationship, if you want that, or if you don't,
Speaker:<laugh>, I'm not attached, I'm not saying it has to be that way.
Speaker:I think it's simpler that way, it has less complexities.
Speaker:But I'm not saying that's the way it has to be.
Speaker:I don't want to put a rigid moral construct on that
Speaker:and then think, well somehow, you know,
Speaker:why it's not happening for me and what's wrong with me and all that stuff.
Speaker:I think that's ridiculous.
Speaker:But here's something that I do believe that will help.
Speaker:On my website, drdemartini.com, there is a complimentary,
Speaker:simple, private Value Determination process.
Speaker:I would encourage you to go through that and it asks you 13 questions.
Speaker:I would encourage you to go through that and ask yourself that and do it again
Speaker:today and do it a week from now and do it a month from now and do it three
Speaker:months from now and every three months, do it again.
Speaker:And keep the ones you have and document what it is that you have on there.
Speaker:The first time you do the exercise, you'll have to resist
Speaker:the tendency to want to lie to yourself. You're going to want to say,
Speaker:you know, what your values are, what you think they are,
Speaker:instead of what they actually are. Your life demonstrates what you value,
Speaker:and it's wise to actually be honest about what your answers are on these
Speaker:questions.
Speaker:These questions are 13 questions that are value determinants that give a more
Speaker:objective view. And if you answer them as instructed,
Speaker:you'll get a really amazing summary of what's important to you and what you're
Speaker:really committed to and what your purpose is and what your identity is and what
Speaker:you're most skilled at, which is very valuable in life.
Speaker:Because you want to be loved for that.
Speaker:And knowing what that is is the first step.
Speaker:If you don't even know what's important to you you'll be clouded in what your
Speaker:needs are and it'll be hard to communicate that effectively to somebody else.
Speaker:But take the time to go to the Value Determination process on my website,
Speaker:drdemartini.com. Determine your values, look that up,
Speaker:and do that and do it again a week, do it a month, do it every three months,
Speaker:and keep records of them and look at the evolution of what you've written and
Speaker:look at how you've been integral in the answers until you can see that your life
Speaker:is really committed to that. You know, my highest value is teaching,
Speaker:I do it every freaking day.
Speaker:I've been doing it 50 years and I'm inspired to do that. I love doing that.
Speaker:It's something I do every single day.
Speaker:I can't wait to get up in the morning and do that.
Speaker:But everybody has something different.
Speaker:And some people are dedicated to business and some to learning and some to
Speaker:spirituality, whatever that's meaning to them,
Speaker:some to their family and their children.
Speaker:And you're not right or wrong for whatever that is.
Speaker:And if you think you're right and you project that onto other people,
Speaker:you're going to end up getting resistance,
Speaker:or you're going to end up having in-group outgroup biases,
Speaker:which is going to hinder relationship dynamics.
Speaker:But if you first identify what your values are and don't perceive them as good
Speaker:or bad or right or wrong or the way it should be or ought to be or supposed to
Speaker:be or got to be or have to be or must or need to be,
Speaker:just identify what they are, they are what they are.
Speaker:And don't judge it relative to somebody else. Just identify what it is,
Speaker:objectively. That's the first step.
Speaker:I think that's a very powerful key because that way you get to know you.
Speaker:You want to be loved for who you are. Well that's going to be who you are.
Speaker:What's top of those values.
Speaker:Second aspect of that first step is whoever you're in relationship with,
Speaker:whoever your closest, you know, compadres are in your inner circle of people,
Speaker:your spouse, your children, your colleagues that are key colleagues,
Speaker:closest family, extended family members or whatever,
Speaker:I would take the time to inspire them and encourage them to do the same.
Speaker:And just tell them that, you know,
Speaker:I would like to have a greater relationship with you
Speaker:that can help us respect each other and have dialogue instead of alternating
Speaker:monologues where I'm speaking, you're not listening, you're speaking,
Speaker:I'm not listening, but a dialogue,
Speaker:by taking the time to go through the Value Determination process.
Speaker:It takes 30 minutes of your time and that way I know what you're up to,
Speaker:and I can see as a result of that,
Speaker:how to more effectively communicate in terms of what you value, and respect it.
Speaker:So taking the time to do that and do that methodically, chronologically,
Speaker:or one at a time, prioritization of who it is most important,
Speaker:down to less most important, et cetera.
Speaker:And go through and do the Value Determination. That's step number one.
Speaker:Step number two is one by one, whoever those key inner circle people are,
Speaker:spouse starting, identify this question,
Speaker:how specifically is what they're dedicated to,
Speaker:their top three highest values,
Speaker:how specifically is it helping you fulfill what you're dedicated to your top
Speaker:three highest values? And how specifically what you're dedicated to,
Speaker:your top three values, helping them fulfill what they're dedicated to,
Speaker:their top three values. In other words, whatever their identity revolves around,
Speaker:how's it helping you fulfill what your identity revolves around?
Speaker:If you answer that question, just know the more you answer that question,
Speaker:until you get a tear of gratitude in your eyes for who they are,
Speaker:and how they serve you, the more you do that, I guarantee you, the more respect,
Speaker:the more love,
Speaker:the more effective communication you will have between you and this individual.
Speaker:See when you feel you're communicating with them and you're helping them get
Speaker:what they want,
Speaker:you're helping you get what you want and there's a nice sustainable fair
Speaker:exchange in relationship, then this thing lasts.
Speaker:And you feel inspired to be with them. You want to be around them.
Speaker:And you're both helping each other fulfill what you feel is your missions in
Speaker:life. And that's very empowering.
Speaker:But if you are righteously think their values are wrong,
Speaker:you're going to project your values on them, carelessly,
Speaker:and try to get them to live in your values, which is futile.
Speaker:Or if you're minimizing yourself and infatuate with them and you're injecting
Speaker:their values and trying to live in their values,
Speaker:you're going to try to live in values you can't live in. That'll be futile.
Speaker:Both of those are frustrating and futile,
Speaker:and the normal dialogue then goes into gestural communication and a frustration
Speaker:and eventually aggression,
Speaker:because you don't know how to communicate effectively.
Speaker:You're not getting what you want from them. And then the breakdown occurs.
Speaker:But by asking the question,
Speaker:because the quality of your life is based on the quality of the questions ask,
Speaker:if you ask questions on how specifically what they value help you fulfill what
Speaker:you value, and vice versa. And don't stop until you get enough answers.
Speaker:I've had it where I've put down a hundred answers between those two
Speaker:people's top three values.
Speaker:The top three values that you determined from the Value Determination,
Speaker:whatever those are,
Speaker:how specifically those top three values helping you fulfill your top three
Speaker:values? Your top one to the top one, the top one to the second one,
Speaker:the second to the top one, the second to the second, the second to the third,
Speaker:the third, the third. Just go through and link them all.
Speaker:The more links you have,
Speaker:the more you're going to see that whatever they're dedicated is helping you
Speaker:fulfill what you want in life. And you're going to want to be around them,
Speaker:and you're going to love and appreciate them.
Speaker:And love and appreciation's where it's at.
Speaker:And one of the things I teach in the Breakthrough Experience is this method.
Speaker:How to determine your values, how to link values,
Speaker:how to apply the linking of things you dislike in them and how to see how they
Speaker:serve you,
Speaker:and the things that you're infatuated with and how and bring them back down,
Speaker:see the downsides of that so you can basically bring yourself into a balanced
Speaker:state with them. I teach you how to do that in the Breakthrough Experience.
Speaker:That's why I want people to come to Breakthrough because
Speaker:their life on just relationships alone, let alone the other areas of their life,
Speaker:is enhanced by knowing that knowledge. It's very unique knowledge.
Speaker:It's not taught anywhere else, that way.
Speaker:And so taking the time to link the values of the people you care about
Speaker:is step number two. That is a goldmine when it comes to relationship.
Speaker:Step number three, and this is what I call the Demartini Method.
Speaker:The Demartini Method is a very,
Speaker:very important series of questions to ask yourself to have reflective awareness,
Speaker:to be able to see the hidden order and the apparent chaos in the dynamics of any
Speaker:relationship. And allows you to realize that whatever you judge in them,
Speaker:you've got in you. When you point your finger out, you got three back.
Speaker:Because many times we self righteously think that they've done something that's
Speaker:betraying us or something. Nobody really betrays us.
Speaker:We betray ourselves by expecting them to live in our values, not their own.
Speaker:And then we have this fantasy that we hold onto,
Speaker:this unrealistic expectation that they're supposed to be nice, never mean, kind,
Speaker:never cruel, or supposed to live in our values, or supposed to read our minds,
Speaker:or supposed to live in this fantasy social value system that we've been
Speaker:indoctrinated by. But the real truth is they live according to their own values.
Speaker:The only thing they're really committed to fulfill is that,
Speaker:and that's not narcissistic, that's not immature, that's human behavior.
Speaker:They've been labeling that in some psychology circles,
Speaker:The fact is that human beings are dedicated to the fulfillment of what their
Speaker:values are and their fitness is maximum when they have a balance of support and
Speaker:challenge in the pursuit of that.
Speaker:So if you ask the question in the Demartini Method, what specific trait,
Speaker:action or inaction do I perceive this individual that I'm in a
Speaker:relationship with,
Speaker:displaying or demonstrating that I admire most and I despise most?
Speaker:Why?
Speaker:Because if you admire them and put them on a pedestal and minimize yourself,
Speaker:you're going to be sacrificing altruistic to be in a relationship and build up
Speaker:gradual resentment until you get things back into balance.
Speaker:And if you resent somebody and you project your values onto them,
Speaker:you're going to alienate them until they get resentful,
Speaker:until they end up going distant and then you get humbled and put back in
Speaker:balance.
Speaker:But the moment you actually find out what it is that you infatuate and resent,
Speaker:and then go and ask the next question; go to a moment, John, yourself,
Speaker:where and when do you display
Speaker:that same specific trait, action,
Speaker:inaction that you perceive in them, that you admired and despised in them?
Speaker:Go find out where you've done that.
Speaker:The moment you reflect and introspect and discover that whatever you resented
Speaker:about them is something that's reminding you of something you feel ashamed about
Speaker:in your past,
Speaker:and they're reminding it to you and that's why you're avoiding them,
Speaker:wanting to avoid them,
Speaker:because they're reminding you of what you're not loving in you.
Speaker:And they're actually an opportunity to teach you that and to grow in your own
Speaker:life by being in that relationship with them so you can be more authentic and
Speaker:appreciate the part you're denying and negating.
Speaker:And the same thing when you admire somebody,
Speaker:it's because it's reminding you of something you have
Speaker:admit you have,
Speaker:that you admire in yourself and being around them is fun because it's reminding
Speaker:you of what you like about yourself, your addiction to your own pride.
Speaker:But if you actually go in there and identify where you've done all the things
Speaker:you see in them, and level the playing field and realize that the seer,
Speaker:the seeing and the seen are the same,
Speaker:your relationship communication goes skyrocketing. Because now you realize,
Speaker:who am I to judge them? And you respect them.
Speaker:You can't respect somebody when you're judging looking down or up.
Speaker:You can put them on pedestals, or you can put them in pits,
Speaker:but you won't put them in your heart until you balance that equation.
Speaker:So in the Breakthrough Experience,
Speaker:I teach you the Demartini Method on how to identify what you're judging in them,
Speaker:which blocks the communication,
Speaker:and how to level the playing field and see that what you see in them is inside
Speaker:you. So you can reflect.
Speaker:True intimacy is when you own everything you see in them.
Speaker:If you're denying,
Speaker:if too proud or too humble to admit what you see in them inside you,
Speaker:there's no intimacy. You've got a block,
Speaker:you've got disowned parts and you're looking down or up at them instead of
Speaker:looking across at them, heart to heart and eye to eye,
Speaker:the windows of the soul can't occur because you're
Speaker:you have these infatuation and resentments, or trust yourself. Now,
Speaker:when you're looking down at the individual,
Speaker:you're thinking there's better options out there. When you're looking up,
Speaker:you don't want them to be with better options. You're more jealous. So you,
Speaker:when you level the playing field, you have a bantering,
Speaker:a respectful banter that goes on where you can keep each other in check.
Speaker:See when you're looking down and resentful to them,
Speaker:you're afraid to say too many nice things because you don't want to mislead them
Speaker:because you're thinking of options. When you're infatuated with them,
Speaker:you don't want to say things negative to them because you don't want them to
Speaker:have options and leave you.
Speaker:So you can't be authentic unless you have that level playing field.
Speaker:So that's why in the Breakthrough Experience,
Speaker:I spend a whole afternoon and evening showing people how to master the
Speaker:communication and how to master loving somebody and having intimacy.
Speaker:It's a gold mine when you learn that and you experience it and you have tears of
Speaker:gratitude for the individual for reflection.
Speaker:Then I go in there and I ask the question, all right, John,
Speaker:go to a moment where and when you perceive this individual that you're
Speaker:infatuated or resentful about,
Speaker:go to a moment when you perceive them doing these behaviors that you infatuate
Speaker:or resent, and now at that moment when they're doing the trait you admire,
Speaker:what's the downside? And at the trait you despise, what's the upside?
Speaker:Because every trait is neutral until somebody with a subjective bias and wounds
Speaker:of the past project what they perceive onto people.
Speaker:The real truth is if any of those behaviors weren't
Speaker:human beings, it would've gone extinct. But all those behaviors are there,
Speaker:they serve a purpose. And if you're seeing them negative,
Speaker:you're not seeing the upsides. If you're seeing them positive,
Speaker:you're not seeing the downsides. There's two sides to it.
Speaker:So I hold you accountable by doing the Demartini Method to balance that
Speaker:equation. Once you do,
Speaker:you realize that whatever they've done is neither positive nor negative,
Speaker:it's just an event. And now the question is, is, you've done that event,
Speaker:how is it served when they've done it to you?
Speaker:How is what they're doing serving you?
Speaker:Because they're living according to their values and making decisions according
Speaker:to their values,
Speaker:if you can't appreciate what they're doing according to their values,
Speaker:you're not going to be able to love them.
Speaker:You're going to be trying to fix them and hold onto a fantasy of who they're
Speaker:supposed to be and try to get them to be that and punish them if they don't do
Speaker:that. But if you go and do that exercise, it'll level the playing playing field,
Speaker:you get to appreciate them for who they are, which is what they want.
Speaker:And when you appreciate them for who they are,
Speaker:they kind of turn into who you love. The next question is,
Speaker:go to a moment where you've displayed those traits and whoever you've displayed
Speaker:those traits to, find out how it's a drawback to them,
Speaker:iIf you're proud of the trait, or if you're shamed of the trait,
Speaker:how is it a benefit to them? And clear out the pride and shame,
Speaker:which is underlying the projected judgments you have on people.
Speaker:Once you do that, man, you just liberated yourself, lighten yourself up,
Speaker:have now self-governance,
Speaker:live from the executive function in the forebrain instead of the amygdala
Speaker:emotionally reacting,
Speaker:where you're living in a subjective bias of avoiding pain and seeking pleasure
Speaker:with unrealistic expectations on your relationship.
Speaker:And you get to now go on a path of love with somebody.
Speaker:Now if you go one step further and ask the question,
Speaker:whatever I perceive in them, where do they do the opposite?
Speaker:So you break the labels that you put on people.
Speaker:I've seen sometimes when people are going through a divorce,
Speaker:their lawyers and their psychologists, is misleading them into thinking,
Speaker:well that's a narcissist. So common. You married to them for 20 years,
Speaker:all of a sudden they're a narcissist even though you've been with them for 20
Speaker:years? No,
Speaker:anytime you challenge somebody they tend to get puffed up and they tend
Speaker:defensive with the sympathetic nervous system.
Speaker:They tend to want to get what they want and put demands on you.
Speaker:They look more narcissistic. That's not who they are as a whole human being.
Speaker:That's just a moment while you're interacting with
Speaker:values. If you support their values,
Speaker:they become altruistic and sacrifice for you.
Speaker:Challenge their values they become narcissistic and want to sacrifice you for
Speaker:them. But if you actually love them and level the playing field,
Speaker:those labels go away. So the next question is,
Speaker:is ask them where do they do the opposite behavior to break the assumption that
Speaker:these labels are true? Because if you label people and box things up,
Speaker:you're going to compare them to other people with those labels and you're going
Speaker:to have your wounds or your fantasies, your phobias,
Speaker:your philias run your relationship instead of your love.
Speaker:And the next question is go to a moment where and when you perceive this
Speaker:individual displaying the trait, action or inaction that you admire or despise,
Speaker:and in that moment identify where it was and when it was and what's the content
Speaker:and the context and who they're doing it to, you in most cases,
Speaker:and then find out who's balancing it.
Speaker:Because every perception you have is always a pair of opposites.
Speaker:They're contrast. You can't go into a room that's pure white and see anything,
Speaker:it has to have black and white contrast to see.
Speaker:If you had perfect sounds on both sides, the same distance, the same decibels,
Speaker:you'd have binaural fusion,
Speaker:you wouldn't be able to hear anything and know where things are located.
Speaker:So you have to have a contrast to perceive. So at the moment of perception,
Speaker:the contrast is there and in this question it forces you to wake up and become
Speaker:conscious of what you're unconscious of to see the opposite that was there.
Speaker:Because you don't get one sided events, you think you do,
Speaker:you mislabel your events in life as traumatic or ecstatic because of it,
Speaker:but in fact there's nothing but really a pair of opposites, synchronously,
Speaker:simultaneously, you know,
Speaker:a synthesis of these opposites which is actually experience of love.
Speaker:When you actually ask the questions in the Demartini Method and bring it back to
Speaker:love, you have tears of gratitude for them for participating in a matrix of
Speaker:opportunity of love for you. Now if you go the last question,
Speaker:go at the very moment you did the behavior that I admired or despised,
Speaker:if at that moment they had done exactly the opposite behavior,
Speaker:the thing they admired, if they had, let's say generous, if they'd been stingy,
Speaker:what'd been the benefit to you?
Speaker:Because if you don't crack the nightmare that you're comparing them to,
Speaker:you'll be running off and having an addiction to a fantasy about them.
Speaker:And if you go to the moment they did something you resented at that moment,
Speaker:if they had done the opposite, what would've been the drawback to you?
Speaker:And crack the fantasy that you had about them.
Speaker:As long as you have a fantasy or a nightmare about them,
Speaker:you're going to keep projecting false past wounds and experiences and
Speaker:fantasies onto them, which undermines the relationship.
Speaker:So in the Breakthrough Experience,
Speaker:when I teach people the Breakthrough Experience and I make them go through each
Speaker:of these steps and experience it live and have them have a tear of gratitude at
Speaker:each one of these steps, they have a revelation about, wow,
Speaker:I ask people beforehand,
Speaker:you had the story and a myth about who this individual was, when you're done,
Speaker:all you have is appreciation and love for them, and yourself.
Speaker:You cannot do this exercise, this third step,
Speaker:without having deep love and appreciation for yourself and for the individuals
Speaker:that you're doing the method on. I dare anybody to finish the method,
Speaker:the Demartini Method, and have anything other than tears of gratitude,
Speaker:love and appreciation. If you finish that and get that,
Speaker:you will realize that no matter what you've been through,
Speaker:no matter what anybody's done, there's a way of loving it.
Speaker:Nothing you've been in experience in your mortal body cannot not be loved by
Speaker:your immortal soul is the old saying.
Speaker:So I believe that those three steps are gold and I took an extra
Speaker:few minutes today to go over those because I want you to know that that's
Speaker:available to you.
Speaker:That's why I tell people every week when I do this webinar to go and come to the
Speaker:Breakthrough Experience. They probably think I'm just selling another seminar.
Speaker:Well sure that's true too, but I can't help people unless I'm with them.
Speaker:I can do the presentation but it's not the same as actually being there live and
Speaker:doing it and experiencing it.
Speaker:You can intellectualize it or you can experience it.
Speaker:That's why it's called the Breakthrough Experience.
Speaker:I want people to actually get the method.
Speaker:I want to learn how to know how to do their values.
Speaker:I want to know them how to communicate in values and how to link values and then
Speaker:how to apply the values in the Demartini Method so you can maximize your
Speaker:awareness and potential in your relationship so you can have dialogue,
Speaker:not alternating monologues and have an intimacy and have a sustainable fair
Speaker:exchange in your relationship.
Speaker:So I'm certain those three tools are helpful in relationship dynamics.
Speaker:I've taken thousands of people in the Breakthrough Experience,
Speaker:hundreds of thousands of people that have resented people deeply or infatuated
Speaker:with people, the villains or the heroes they have in their life,
Speaker:and shown them how to dissolve that, all those labels,
Speaker:and allow them to have tears of gratitude for those people in their life.
Speaker:And look in the mirror and realize that that's now the more love for themselves.
Speaker:I ask people,
Speaker:how many of you feel more love for this individual and love for themselves?
Speaker:Every hand goes up. So if you'd like to have more authenticity,
Speaker:you'd like to have your executive function run instead of your amygdala's
Speaker:emotional center where you're judging things and you know out of governance
Speaker:and you'd love to have more awareness of who they are and who you are and be
Speaker:able to have communication with respect and more intimacy and more love,
Speaker:and you want to be able to dissolve all the baggage you've accumulated on the
Speaker:past in your relationship,
Speaker:I can guarantee you can come to the program and I can show you how to do that.
Speaker:And the more you put into it, the more you're going to get out of it.
Speaker:But if you come and do that and willing to come to work,
Speaker:it's not just a spectator game, it's an actual work where
Speaker:you get to see and feel and experience what I'm talking about,
Speaker:if you like to do that,
Speaker:bring that back to your relationship to the close people in your life at work,
Speaker:home, colleagues, customers, loved ones, spouses,
Speaker:if you like to take that relationship to the next level,
Speaker:then come to the Breakthrough Experience.
Speaker:And come and listen to this what I just gave you again and again and again,
Speaker:but come to the Breakthrough Experience because I'm going to give you 24 hours,
Speaker:26 hours of my heart and soul there working with you.
Speaker:And I can't wait to do that because I watched lives change and I love doing
Speaker:that. Do it every weekend almost. And if you do that, I assure you're going to,
Speaker:at the end of the Breakthrough I ask people,
Speaker:how many of you learned something this weekend you would no way you would've
Speaker:learned anywhere else on this planet in your life? Every hand goes up.
Speaker:So if you want to go and learn something really cutting edge,
Speaker:that's really amazing and it works, it's a science, you can,
Speaker:if you follow it to the letter,
Speaker:you'll get an exact response and have more love and appreciate for people that
Speaker:you've got some buried burdens sitting in there and some baggage on there.
Speaker:Let's let go of the baggage and drop it off the baggage claim department and
Speaker:let's get on with sailing and taking off on the plane if you will,
Speaker:and take your relationship to the next level.
Speaker:So I just wanted to share with that, I ran a few minutes over this time,
Speaker:but that was a pretty pertinent topic I think because everybody's in
Speaker:relationship with somebody and including themselves. And by the way,
Speaker:you can do the Demartini Method on yourself so you
Speaker:baggage you've got too. So either way,
Speaker:come to the Breakthrough Experience and I'll show you how to do that.
Speaker:I'll show you how to apply these three principles and I am absolutely certain
Speaker:it'll change the trajectory of your life and make a difference from now on in
Speaker:your relationships. So come and join me at the Breakthrough Experience.
Speaker:Thank you for joining me on this,
Speaker:this little webinar and I look forward to seeing you next week.
Speaker:Have a fantastic evening and look forward to seeing you very soon.