The confidence formula may cause lower self-doubt, higher self-esteem, and

comfort in your own skin. Written by Patrick King, narrated by Russell Newton.

There was a time in my life when I was deeply uncomfortable placing my order at

McDonald's. However, it wasn't because I had inner turmoil about the massive load

of saturated fat I was about to put into my body. It was because I had to speak to

someone to do it. Sounds crazy, huh? If you're reading this book, though, I'm

guessing it sounds a little too familiar. I remember one particular instance at an

Applebee's. The waitress had come around to my side of the table to take my order,

but I wasn't quite ready, so I tried to stall her by asking her what she

recommended. I could sense her eyes burning a hole through my menu, the

rest of the table staring at me and wishing I hadn't come and the cooks in

the back covertly planning to spit in my food. I started sweating all over and my

ears became so hot I thought they're gonna melt right off my head. I'd made

such a huge mistake and now deserve to be outcast from the group. I felt rushed

and latched on to the first menu item my eyes landed on. When the food came, I

ate it as quickly as possible, left some money on the table, and, to my friends'

protests, made up an excuse about having to go home. At home, I stewed over it for

eons. After all, it was the single most embarrassing and awful disaster that had

ever happened, right? Of course, to everyone else, their friend was just

asking the waitress for her recommendation, and to the waitress, a

customer was having a difficult time deciding what to order. That's it.

These might have been your thoughts as well, that I was making incredible leaps

to conclusions that were blown out of proportion, but at no point did I truly

think I was acting irrationally. I felt I'd made such a blunder that I'd

deserved to be cast out from civilized society, seriously. That's the role of

confidence in our lives, and I'm speaking as someone who's been in your

shoes and knows how it feels. I know how crippling and fear-driven it is and how

it can prevent you from living life the way you want to. Little by little over

the years, I conquered my fears of ordering food at restaurants and

graduated to becoming comfortable with public speaking and meeting new people.

I've come a long way from that day in Applebee's. Confidence may not be a

cure-all, but because it can be so deeply rooted within people for so long, it

causes us anxiety in ways we may not realize. There's a poetic saying

proposing, when a butterfly flaps its wings in Brazil, it causes a tsunami in

Japan. What does that mean? No matter how small an action, there will always be a

consequence. We may not perceive it, and it may barely be felt, but there's always

some sort of reaction for each action. A butterfly might displace only a single

breath's worth of air, but as it travels, that tiny flutter of air can easily

snowball and aggregate into a monstrous tsunami. The aftereffects of seemingly

small actions are often hidden, unintended, or flat-out ignored. This is the

ripple effect, and though it's easier to observe in other situations, it is

imperative to understand in the context of confidence. Lack of belief and

confidence in yourself has wide-ranging consequences you may not even be aware

of, and they affect every corner of your life. The smallest absence of

confidence can grow and compound in a way that makes you unable to recognize

yourself in the mirror. It affects your entire outlook on life, and not just

when you're at a networking event or a birthday party. It's more than something

keeping you from going to a party or from talking to a stranger. It's the story

you've told about yourself since you were young, and it influences all your

patterns of thought. And these seemingly flimsy thoughts and feelings have a funny

way of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. They may start out tiny and

imperceptible, but in a real way can eventually manifest concretely in the

choices we make, the choices we don't, and the people we become. The best way to

understand the impact of low confidence is to contrast the beliefs it can cause

with the beliefs of people who have high confidence. By taking a good hard look at

what it's like not to be crippled by low confidence and anxiety, we can get a good

idea of where to start on our own journey to better self-esteem. The first thing

to do, probably, is to really believe that you too can be one of those people,

people who possess high self-esteem and confidence, take almost all of the

following for granted. And why shouldn't they? Shouldn't you? It might seem like

they are low basic expectations, but that's where the separation is found.

These are the minuscule butterfly wing flaps that ultimately create tsunamis.

Socially confident people expect to be accepted. When they meet strangers, they

expect to make a good impression and don't get entangled in or stymied by fears they'll be

negatively perceived by others. They take for granted that people will react positively to

them. They never approach situations thinking, what if they don't like me? Instead, they think,

I hope I like them. They have the same adrenaline coursing through their veins when they meet

strangers, but it manifests as excitement, whereas for others, it will manifest as anxiety.

Rather than fear, they have a relaxed interest or curiosity. This turns this prospect of

anything new into an opportunity for gain rather than a minefield to be careful in or avoid completely.

Socially confident people evaluate themselves positively. This is partially due to the way

they talk to themselves and partially due to their positive self-perception.

What do these mean? Socially confident people are encouraging, positive, and accepting of

themselves. They give themselves leeway not to be perfect and don't beat themselves up too harshly

when they're not. They also rate their social abilities according to a positive baseline.

If they do well, that's par for the course. They expected that. If they do poorly,

it's an occasional exception that they can learn from. They don't allow themselves to

be affected by singular incidents they know don't represent their abilities.

They think highly of themselves in a healthy manner and aren't afraid of constant judgment.

Socially confident people can deal with criticism. Criticism doesn't crumble them.

This is related to the previous point. Confident people learn to compartmentalize and separate

criticism and recognize its actual purpose. They do not take it personally in an emotional way

or assume that criticism is an attack, at least as much as humanly possible.

Their identity doesn't ebb and flow because of a single errant comment. It doesn't cause them to

question their entire being or worth. They know they have worth, even if they've faltered in a

single area. They're not afraid that criticism will confirm a harsh truth about themselves

they've been trying to avoid. In fact, they seek criticism because they know they need it to improve

and will be better off for it. Socially confident people feel comfortable around superiors.

Define superior however you want, someone who's better looking, more athletic, further up in

the office hierarchy, or more outgoing and charming. Socially confident people feel comfortable

because they don't feel threatened or that their flaws and vulnerabilities will be highlighted

by the other person's qualities. They don't have the specters of constant self-consciousness

and rejection hanging over them. They can celebrate the talents and triumphs of others

because they know that others' accomplishments do not diminish and should not discourage their own.

They know the world doesn't run on an invisible currency that requires others to lose in order

for them to win. In fact, they look forward to spending time with superiors because they know

that's the key to learning and bettering themselves as opposed to revealing flaws.

They might feel competitive but not subordinated. In another way, they understand that in the grand

scheme, people are people and even if someone is better than them in one way, they're likely worse

in another way. Are these simple aspects of interacting with others a given in your mind?

In contrast, how do people who lack confidence approach the world?

People without confidence expect rejection.

Before they even step into a situation in the back of their minds, they're already anticipating

failure. It's like they've prejudged and pre-condemned themselves and are just waiting for reality to

catch up with their assessment. They're looking for cues that people are disinterested or bored

with them. They think twice before speaking and effectively censor themselves. They basically

have a bad reputation with themselves. They are already thinking they'll make fools of themselves,

so they expect the worst-case scenario. This shows in their facial expressions and body language

and does indeed cause people to react poorly to them. They cause their worst-case scenario to come

true because they never allow themselves to be vulnerable or open to others. When you expect

rejection, you feel helpless as if nothing you can possibly do will make a difference.

Notice how a person's posture changes when they are expecting to be hit. Now imagine the

psychological equivalent. Do you cringe and cower internally because on some level,

you're always expecting some kind of blow? Even worse, if you feel like there's not much you can

do to defend yourself, you'll naturally avoid the perceived threat. People start seeming like

more trouble than they're worth. Following that logic, why would you leave your home to try at

all? You'd feel hopeless and stay as still as possible to avoid any negativity.

People without confidence evaluate themselves negatively. In stark contrast to those who are

socially confident, unconfident people evaluate themselves from a baseline of negativity.

They just don't believe in themselves or their abilities. If they perform well, they view it as

an isolated anomaly. They shock themselves and don't believe it will last. They expect the worst

and often get it because of this expectation. There is no opportunity, only room to trip and

fail, a rope to hang themselves with. People without confidence crumble under criticism.

Criticism is a nightmare for the unconfident. On the surface, they might put up a fight and appear

viciously defensive, but deep down, they feel the criticism is warranted and deserved.

All of their worst fears are continually confirmed, even if the criticism was benign

or unrelated. Their self-perception already hangs by a thread, so any small criticism

can sever that thread and plunge them into an abyss of negativity. It's a crack in their

armor that is representative of their entire value as a human being. Whatever shortcoming

they've been attempting to conceal will be exposed by criticism, and then they'll have to

face the harsh reality of their failings. Unconfident people will steer clear of the spotlight

and take action as a way of avoiding negative feedback that might confirm their worst fears.

People without confidence are highly uncomfortable around superiors.

Unconfident people are threatened by those they view as superiors. This is fueled in equal parts

by jealousy, lack of confidence, and viewing social situations as zero-sum games. There can only be

one winner, so everyone else has to be a loser, including them. They feel swept up in a tornado

when someone who is socially superior comes by. Not only do those with low confidence feel

constantly judged, superiors are a reminder of what they feel they can never attain or be.

Furthermore, they compare themselves to their superiors in a way that emphasizes

all their own shortcomings, cue the stereotype of the short man who buys an enormous truck

to feel less inadequate. A lack of confidence can run deep. What might appear to be a relatively

small shortcoming can ultimately determine how one lives their life.

Because you're driven by fear, a line is drawn in the sand as to where you can go,

how far you can go, and what is worth your effort. As time goes on, this self-created

circle of capability, competency, and confidence begins to collapse and shrink. Eventually,

you'll feel trapped. If you stay where you are, you're standing in a sealed room that is quickly

filling to the top with water. You can't stay there. You cannot keep running away from your

social anxiety and fears. You need to act. If you don't change, nothing will. You will have

imprisoned yourself behind invisible bars. You can do whatever you want, but you choose not to

because of those invisible walls, walls that were not created by people who have it out for you.

There are no evil ogres keeping you down, just you. This is the ripple effect you encounter

people in the office, in your neighborhood, and even when you shop for groceries or get a cup of

coffee, these things happen every day. How will you choose to handle yourself? You may think

you're not missing out on much, but if you add and compound these interactions, your days will

blur together with nothingness. A series of small avoidances and imaginary confirmations grow larger

and larger until the tsunami hits you and your left paralyzed. The anxiety and accompanying

discomfort you feel makes you engage in antisocial behavior. As a result, you receive negative

or lukewarm feedback. You internalize this feedback and create an even more meek and

uncomfortable version of yourself. Anxiety builds and you sink deeper into the quicksand.

You deeply fear judgment, failure, rejection, and being thought of as stupid. Just like that,

with the snap of a finger, you feel that you can be doomed.

Confidence can make you feel like the king of the world, but it's not as easy as simply making

the choice. For one thing, basic human psychology is against your side.

Low-confidence characteristics

Everybody who lacks confidence experiences their trepidation in different ways.

Some are obvious, others are less noticeable, and most, of course, are automatic to the point

where the sociophobic doesn't even realize they're happening. These behaviors and thought

processes might be any of the following. They process external events and social cues in a

negative way. The sociophobic doesn't differentiate between neutral and negative reactions. To them,

any reply that's not explicitly positive is disapproval to some degree. If someone responds

in an ambiguous way, the sociophobic interprets it as a negative. And if somebody offers even the

mildest, most well-intentioned criticism, they'll cast it as a complete disaster.

For example, if sociophobic Bridget is talking to her friend Greta about a problem in her

relationship with her boyfriend, Stuart, and Greta periodically looks away or doesn't necessarily

show intense interest, Bridget might interpret that as a rejection from Greta. And if Greta

gently suggests that Bridget look at the problem from another point of view, Bridget might interpret

that as treason. She might even accuse Greta of taking Stuart's side. They over-focus on themselves

when anxious. The sociophobic has a hard time fitting in with the flow of a social event,

because they're unable to tone down their self-awareness. This can make them seem aloof or

distracted, which only serves to confirm their own low self-opinion. For example, if a sociophobic is

overly conscious of his appearance at a cocktail party, he might constantly check his reflection

in mirrors, windows, or wine glasses. The constant monitoring would impact whatever

socializing he went to the party for in the first place. They distort their self-image

in fearful situations. When they're in a stressful environment,

the sociophobic tends to see themselves from an observer's standpoint, and what they see

is usually a twisted version of themselves. This self-image is frequently linked to bitter

memories of the past, including ones where they were bullied, shamed, or reprimanded.

The information a sociophobic retains from those memories is often exaggerated.

For example, they'll imagine they look like they were having a nervous breakdown in front of a crowd

when, in reality, they showed no outward symptoms of a panic attack at all.

They might have even looked completely stoic to everyone in the room, but in their mind's eye,

they were cracking like an egg, and everyone knew it.

Safety behaviors reinforce their negativity and taints how others perceive them.

The sociophobic's reliance and emphasis on staying secure overshadows the reality of the

situation they're experiencing. They maintain their negative perceptions and refuse to believe

evidence that disproves them. Overreliance on their safety behaviors in public can make a

sociophobic appear distant, aloof, or unsympathetic to others. This is, of course, an accidental

upshot of their safety behaviors. It leaves them more open to the criticism and rejection those

behaviors are supposed to prevent. For example, a man with zero self-esteem and an inferiority

complex about his likability might constantly gossip about other people to reinforce his

feelings of superiority, but as a result, everyone hates being around him and his plan backfires.

They dread upcoming social situations and brood on the negatives afterward.

The person with low confidence develops an adverse anticipation of approaching events.

They recall past events that didn't end well. They prepare their safety behaviors for the next

event and might even try to plan an escape route. For example, a business person might be terrified

of a company cocktail mixer because they remember a past get together where they had too much to

drink and think they acted foolishly. You're probably noticing a bit of a theme with all

these characteristics. People with low confidence are, to use a cliched expression, their own worst

enemy. For people who lack self-esteem, the world can seem like one big problem and they

themselves are a big problem too. In a way, people with low confidence really do have a serious

problem, just not the one they think they have. Their problem is not that they are inferior,

but that they are constantly telling themselves a story of their own inferiority. It's a big

difference. These common experiences plague the psyche of the socially anxious and can accumulate

mentally to the extent where that doesn't seem to be any way to repair them. But there is through

trying to understand what's really fueling their social phobia. Sometimes the answer is buried

deep in their back history and they have to drag it out. Sometimes it's right there on the surface,

waiting for us to be courageous enough to act. Am I unconfident or do I have anxiety?

I have a friend who is what others would consider a social butterfly. She's popular, likeable,

and an excellent communicator. You'd never know it, but she's also deeply

unconfident. In my friend's case, she's a bit like an extrovert who, nevertheless,

has a low opinion of her own self-worth. When you get to know her, you realize that,

you realize that, despite appearances, she actually has a shockingly low self-esteem.

My friend is not a common case, however. In my experience, low self-esteem,

lack of confidence, and social anxiety all tend to go hand in hand. Because we think so little of

ourselves, we process events with a negative bias and tend to hyper-focus on ourselves in an anxious,

distorted way. And, naturally, that's going to manifest when we engage with other people.

Soon it can start to seem like the problem is that we're shy, introverted, withdrawn,

reserved, or depressed, when actually the problem is that we simply lack any faith in our ability

to take part in the social world. What I mean is that what looks like social anxiety on the surface

may be nothing more than lack of confidence. If you can combat these low feelings of self-worth,

you may be surprised to find that you actually enjoy other people and are not shy or reserved at all.

In the chapters that follow, we'll be talking about social anxiety,

low self-esteem, and lack of confidence interchangeably. They're not the same thing,

but they do form a cluster around the same patterns of negative bias, anxiety, thought

distortion, and discomfort with others. Social anxiety can be a symptom of lack of confidence,

but it's also a cause and reinforcer of these patterns of thinking and behavior.

The Spotlight Effect

Poor self-confidence is driven by the gripping fear that one's action and behaviors will be

judged unfavorably by others. We fear that we're bad or wrong or inferior, and the social anxiety

element enters the picture when we worry that others will perceive this in us too and judge us

for it. But are they really watching as closely as you think they are? Are they really all laughing

internally at your smallest mistakes and blunders? You might just be feeling the burden of the spotlight

effect. The spotlight effect is a psychological phenomenon when our minds exaggerate just how

much other people are paying attention to us. We're terrified that everyone in the room is

watching everything we do and listening to everything we say and are judging us accordingly.

Perhaps because we ourselves are so intently focused on our own experience, we imagine that

everyone else is as absorbed in our exploits and judging them as mercilessly. In reality though,

nobody's really paying that much attention. If you doubt this, you can do a quick thought

experiment. Try to imagine the last social event or conversation you are part of and ask yourself

whether you were intently watching and analyzing other people.

Did any one person have a spotlight on them? Probably not. Of course, the sensation that we

are on the spot and being observed is doubly damaging when you're already suffering from low

self-confidence. The feeling that everyone is watching, in addition to detrimental beliefs

about yourself, can be downright paralyzing. The term spotlight effect was partially coined by

psychologist Tomik Gilevich, who ran a couple of amusing studies on the subject in the 1990s.

In the first, Gilevich's team assembled a group of students in a room and randomly selected one.

That student was asked to wear a t-shirt that featured pop singer Barry Mandelow on the front.

For those of you who don't have access to your grandparents' record collection,

Mandelow was considered about as uncool as a magician could be in the 90s, fairly or not.

After a little while in which the student was forced to mix with others and accept his new

reality as a Mandelow fan, researchers asked him to estimate how many of their other fellow students

he thought recognized the portrait on their t-shirt. The student estimated that half of them did.

The actual figure was close to 25 percent. Gilevich did a second study with different

students using the exact same process, with one big exception. After being in the room with the

others, the Mandelow student was put in a separate room by themselves for 15 minutes before giving

their estimate. This gave the student additional time to become accustomed to having Barry Mandelow's

face on their shirt. In this trial, the student's estimate was more on target. They said they expected

about 25 percent of the other students recognized Mandelow's portrait. The findings implied that

one person's personal experience heavily influences how they perceive the judgments of others.

When the student was initially put in the uncomfortable bind of wearing a Barry Mandelow

shirt and then thrust into the wild, he assumed that most people were easily able to identify the

singer and possibly casting a private verdict on his musical taste and hipness as well.

But after a little while, in which he adjusted to having a picture of the number one pop crooner

of the 70s emblazoned on his chest, his assessment of who was actually paying attention was much

more accurate. Even when we behave in unusual or potentially embarrassing ways, we tend to

overestimate how much people are noticing or judging us. The reality is, we're just not that

interesting or important. And that's a good thing. As an unconfident person, you may be walking around

with a very negative bias toward yourself when the truth is that, well, most people don't really

care. It's easy to understand why the spotlight effect can be so afflicting. We live in our own

bodies and minds 24 hours a day. It's natural for us to be preoccupied with our own characteristics,

traits, and past experiences. After all, we are. This is the same thing that causes us to lack

empathy or sympathy for others, because we're simply thinking me all the time. In turn, it can

be difficult for us to understand and admit that other people aren't as intensely concentrated on

our actions. This kind of circumstance is called anchoring and adjustment. We're so fixed on our

own selves and experience that we can't precisely judge how much or, more accurately,

how little other people are really watching us. After one lives in new skin for a reasonable

amount of time, their self-awareness gradually decreases and the spotlight effect fades.

Knowing that you're far more off the hook than you originally thought will benefit your confidence.

And don't worry, I won't tell anyone how much you love Copacabana. Next time you're out in public,

conduct a little experiment to provide evidence to yourself that people aren't solely focused on

judging you. Just take a few minutes to stare at someone in public. Make sure they don't see you,

of course. Just look at them and try to notice what they are preoccupied with. Most likely,

they aren't paying the slightest bit of attention to anyone beside themselves.

Now, look at someone else. Are they looking around as you are and judging everyone in their vicinity?

No, they probably are not. Now, do something small you think would warrant a reaction

if they were really watching you covertly, something like taking off your shoe and smelling it,

stretching obnoxiously, or making weird shapes with your face and mouth.

Are they staring at you, slack-jawed, ready to gather a mob for ridicule?

There's no spotlight besides the one you create in your mind.

Feelings vs. Automatic Thoughts

The spotlight effect is based on our expectations of other people reacting to our actions

and the feeling of terror about how those reactions will make us feel.

Humans tend to believe that their emotions are directly caused by other people or external

events. My in-laws make me anxious. That movie made me upset. That spa session calmed me down.

The implication is that we don't have cognitive input on what affects us.

Things happen or people say things and they flick certain triggers,

resulting in a negative or positive emotion. Indeed, the way we feel fear and other negative

feelings can often appear to be automatic or at least not up for debate. Events occur,

feelings ensue, except that that's not the whole story. In reality, there is an intermediary step.

Number two in this sequence. One, we experience an event.

Two, we perceive what the event means to us. Three, we have a feeling about the event.

What really fuels our feelings are our seemingly automatic perceptions of situations and other

people. We don't recognize these thoughts when they happen because they're extremely quick,

so it seems like our feelings are directly fed by the events we experience, but we're actually

filtering those feelings through our thoughts, even though they happen so fast that we don't notice

them. Events themselves are neutral, but it's that critical second step that imbues them with

meaning and determines what the final step our thoughts and feelings will be. It's up to you

to make sure step two isn't working against you. For example, let's say you're speaking with a casual

acquaintance. You're talking about an experience at work with a new colleague you respect. You speak

about him in fairly glowing terms. Your casual acquaintance smiles and reveals that she knows

your colleague well because he's an ex. They broke up a year ago and haven't spoken since.

You say you're sorry that you didn't know. She waves her hand and says, it's okay, no harm done.

If you perceive the conversation to be normal and commonplace, then you were just talking with

someone you didn't know had a connection to your new colleague. You were completely innocent,

discovered a funny coincidence, she said it was okay, and the world continued to rotate around

a flaming ball of fire. But you could have an alternate reaction based on a negative self-perception

and what others think of you. Gosh, my oversharing with people can backfire.

I must look so foolish. It doesn't matter if it was an innocent mistake on my part.

She must have thought I was heartless or unthinking. Wow, I should have known. She'll

probably hate me forever. Goodbye, friendship. None of these ideas are actually a natural part

of the situation itself. They're interpretations. Each of these emotive responses demonstrate

how skewed your internal dialogue can become simply because you allow your perceptions

to color an external event. It seems like a two-step process, but in reality,

that middle step is so quick it's basically unconscious. You may do it so quickly and

effortlessly that you genuinely believe you're just perceiving reality rather than an interpretation

or story about that reality. And then you might be tempted to say things like, she thinks I'm

insensitive, placing the source of the emotion at her feet rather than seeing where it really comes

from, you. In most cases, automatic thoughts aren't particularly beneficial to us, especially when

we're trying to build confidence. A negative automatic thought could lead to misunderstanding

a situation and exaggerating the chances of a negative interaction or event. If you see your

ex in a bar when you're out with your friends, you might perceive it as a dangerous situation

because you think you'll be uncomfortable or hostile. That's the negative automatic thought,

but it could turn out just fine. Maybe your ex is about to leave. They just won't approach you,

or they'll respect your space, or perhaps they'll be nice. This all depends on the state of your

breakup, but it also depends on how you perceive the situation. It's therefore very important to

distinguish between thoughts and feelings. They aren't the same experience. Feelings are the

products of thoughts. You could say, I think I'm angry, but you only feel angry. What you're really

thinking is, nobody in my office is lifting a finger to help me, or my kid is trying to push

my boundaries, or this jerk is tailing me too closely. When you come up on a certain situation

and have some time to act upon it, it's a great idea to step back and consider several different

thoughts could arise from it. With a lack of confidence, you are usually choosing the thought

that is cruelest to yourself. You can learn to intercept yourself in the process of walking

down a dark path, and we'll cover that in the next chapter in greater detail. At the very least,

turn a two-step process into three steps and realize that just because an external event occurs,

you're not obligated to feel a certain way about it.

Blame the amygdala. One of the biggest reasons our thoughts are so automatic is the bit of gray

matter lodged between the two brain hemispheres, the amygdala. The amygdala, a tiny bean-shaped mass

in the middle of the brain, is the source of much of our lack of confidence. It actually handles most

of our various emotional responses, but it really kicks into high gear with the fight-or-flight

response. Studies have shown that a highly active amygdala is more likely to trigger fright,

dismay, uncertainty, and terror. In other words, when the amygdala gets even a whiff of something

fearful or anxious, our reactions are no longer entirely conscious. When threatened,

the amygdala's response overrides the neocortex, which is associated with the logical and reasoning

functions of the brain. The amygdala, as scientist Daniel Golemann explains, hijacks our response,

whips it past the usual clear-thinking neocortex, and hits straight to the thalamus that's in

charge of interpreting sensory input. Because the whole think-this-through process of the

neocortex is completely ignored, when we feel fear, we perceive that it's coming from a very

deep part of the mind that nobody can see and therefore fix. The alarm sounds, and all our

socially anxious behaviors snap to attention. All our rational responses go out the window,

and fear rules the day. Our emotions go haywire, and we become pumped full of adrenaline.

Lack of self-confidence is, at least to the brain, a form of plain old fear. Every creature on earth

has the ability to move toward something or away from it, to proceed with curiosity or even aggression

or to shrink back in the anticipation of being attacked. When we have low self-confidence,

we have no faith in ourselves. We shrink back. We don't feel up to the task of living or the

challenges set before us. Basically, we see the threat or situation ahead of us,

and we judge ourselves as inadequate compared to it. This is not that different from a small

animal fleeing in terror from a bigger animal. The thing is, your estimation of being a small animal

may be completely wrong. That doesn't mean, however, that your neurochemistry isn't participating as

if the outside world is a genuine threat. So, if you have a negative bias, cognitive distortions,

and deep core beliefs about your own inferiority, your amygdala registers it all and responds

accordingly. Furthermore, the response completely bypasses the more rational, higher-order parts

of your cognition. You can say this emotion doesn't make sense, but it doesn't matter.

On a primal level, you're still feeling that fear and apprehension, that sense that you are weak,

less than, or inferior. What this all boils down to is this. We can't cure our feelings of low

self-esteem through rational thought or logic alone. It's great to have a set of reasonable

and strong beliefs, and it certainly doesn't hurt, but if the amygdala goes on one of its little

tirades, rationality might not be enough for the brain to fix itself. But we can try to reprogram

our belief systems to where the amygdala doesn't have quite as much effect on our confidence.

In the chapters that follow, we'll be looking at different ways to work with or work around these

primal, inbuilt biases and tendencies of our brains. In reality, low confidence and poor

self-esteem are whole-body phenomena. When we feel bad about our worth as human beings,

every part of us is involved, from our brain physiology and neurochemistry,

to our thoughts and inner self-talk, to our everyday behaviors and choices, to the way we

engage with others. This is far less bleak than it seems, though. We can and should make changes

to the way we think, feel, and behave, and this is far more within our control than it might first

appear. There is one thing in particular that we can do to try to stem the tide of negativity

from crashing over us, and we'll explore this more in the next section. Your Confidence Resume

Take Inventory. What does that mean? In a grocery store, taking inventory is when you look at what

you have in the store and try to account for everything. The purpose is to know what is

currently in stock, what is needed, and if there are any trends worth pursuing.

Take inventory of your strengths and weaknesses, and you can accomplish the same three goals.

You'll be able to understand yourself as you currently are, see what shortcomings you have,

if any, and examine if your inventory has any hidden data or trends.

In a more concrete sense, go through the exercise of taking a piece of paper, folding it in half,

and writing your strengths you have on one side and weaknesses on the other side.

Don't think too hard about it or overanalyze what you're putting down. The longer you dawdle,

the less chance you have of being honest. Write anything that comes to mind and stop after just

a couple of minutes. You probably won't need a long time to do this, as you probably have a few

things in mind already. How did the lists turn out? I'm betting the weakness side of the list

was where you focused most of your attention, and the weakness side was at least one and a half

times longer than the strength side. Why could I predict this? Because when people seeking confidence

try to come up with strengths or anything else positive about themselves, it's incredibly

difficult for them to do it objectively. The list on the positive side almost always turns

out pitifully short to the point of inaccuracy and being misleading. If their best friend read

only their lists of strengths and weaknesses, they might not even recognize that person from the

description. So this exercise is not one to help you conduct an inventory of your strengths and

weaknesses, but rather get a good snapshot of your current mindset, core beliefs, and negative

biases. People lacking confidence are typically far too hard on themselves and have a skewed

perception of their abilities. They have an almost impossible time in recognizing what they're actually

good at and bad at because everything is fraught with negative emotion. If they excel at something,

it feels like an anomaly or luck, so they discount it, forget it, or explain it away as somehow

actually being a bad thing. If they fail at something, it lines up with their expectations,

so they hold on to it and amplify it, recalling first when they think of who they are and what

they've done. In many cases, these weaknesses are purely imagined in the first place and the strengths

marginalized or justified away. This laundry list of weaknesses is more a reflection of fear

and past bad experiences rather than of reality. It turns out that many of our perceived weaknesses

aren't weaknesses at all. They're just something we may have failed in once and don't have good

memories of, or if they are genuinely weaknesses and flaws in our character, we inevitably blow

them out of proportion and make them much worse than they really are. In any case, hopefully this

exercise has helped you gain a little insight into how you perceive yourself, lacking in ability and

talent, getting by on luck, on balance, kind of a bad person. This might be the first time you've

put these feelings into words. Now, you're going to do this exercise again, but here's the catch.

This time, you're going to focus on your actual strengths and weaknesses. A strength is defined

as something you are better than many of your friends at or something you are objectively above

average at. A weakness is defined in a similar way, something you're worse than many of your

friends at or something you are objectively below average at. This time, as you write, try to imagine

you're a friend or acquaintance who is writing the list. Think of all the compliments you've

ever received and how other people appraise you. What evidence do you actually have of either good

or bad traits? If the answer is not much, then leave it off. For example, saying something

stupid once when you are 10 years old doesn't mean you're unintelligent. The lists should be

just about even in length. For every weakness, list a strength to make sure that you are accurately

describing yourself. If you decide to get a head start by importing some strengths and

weaknesses from the first list, what does and doesn't make the cut? In other words, what weaknesses

are you omitting and why? For greater objectivity, have a friend help edit your lists. Often,

people will refuse to fill the list out objectively despite being given the new definitions of

strengths and weaknesses. The second time around, notice how it feels to write this list. Notice

any resistance you have. Sure, the book says the lists should be even in length,

but the author doesn't know me. I really do have more flaws than the average person.

Listen to see if you can hear your own negative bias running in to interpret everything.

Notice if you were quick to dismiss something that any other objective observer would have put

on the strengths side. What is the purpose of taking inventory of your actual strengths and

weaknesses? To change the narrative you've told yourself for years, the voice in your head has

been a negative one, telling you what you can't do and why you're not good enough, but it's wrong.

And this simple list is evidence of that. Taking inventory allows you to gain an

accurate look at yourself, which helps minimize your weaknesses and normalize your strengths. In

short, you will feel permission to see yourself in a more positive light than before. You will

prove to yourself in a concrete way that your own negative assumptions and narratives can heavily

influence your opinion of yourself. We all have an ability, trait, or habit we can be confident

about, one that maybe we're the best in the world at even. It can be as silly as twisting your tongue

or finding parking spaces, but they are all valid talents that give you value and aren't insignificant.

We all have something to take pride in and that we would feel comfortable doing in front of a crowd.

Every one of us has something to offer, and thinking even beyond gifts and skills we can show

off to other people, we're all capable of being kind and thoughtful friends, of keeping our word,

of working hard, of practicing good habits, or of being supportive of our families.

We are all utterly unique individuals who have as much right to take our place in the world

as any of the other millions of unique individuals. Have you been consistently downplaying and

discounting these things in yourself without realizing it? By gaining an objective and realistic

view of what you're capable of and of your own innate value as a human being, you can base

your confidence level on what is real instead of what is imagined or distorted.

Obviously, everyone in the world has weaknesses and things they need improvement on, but confident

people allow themselves to identify with their strengths and positive aspects. They understand

deep down in their bones that they are just people, and people have both good and bad parts to them.

Having flaws doesn't mean you are entirely bad. Confident people simply choose to put

their goodness at the center of who they are. If you're honest with yourself, you'll know exactly

what your good traits are. You may also have to battle a compulsion to be modest when listing

your strengths. Many of us have grown up being more or less taught to act small, think little of

ourselves, and defer to others, especially women. Others have been taught that to embrace and own

their own talent and brilliance is selfish and makes others uncomfortable, and so they hide it away

for the sake of not drawing attention to themselves. Or being modest could simply be a classic coping

mechanism that acts to lower expectations for yourself so you never feel that you fall short.

You don't try, you don't fail. In other words, it's an excuse. It's not

honesty. It's another place for insecurity to take hold and keep you in your comfort zone.

No matter how you feel today, always remember your strengths, talents, and past achievements.

Nothing real has changed to separate you from the person you were that day to the

current day where you feel low. Take inventory to build your confidence, because just like your

achievements, these things are evidence of how great you can be and have been in the past,

perhaps of how others see you. To that end, there's a concept I like to use called the

confidence resume. The confidence resume isn't a checklist of things you should tell others.

It's rather for yourself, and just like a job application resume, you should review it and

update it periodically. The purpose of the confidence resume is to again change the

narrative you have of yourself. When you have this resume created, you'll be able to glance at it

and instantly know that you're not actually the type of person you feel you are at the moment.

Your low self-confidence is like a distorting filter set on top of your good characteristics,

making you look small and bad and weak and insignificant. You're more than that. You're

above it, and you have the evidence right in front of you. Every single item on the resume is a fact

about yourself, but you've probably suppressed or ignored them while constructing your negative

self-narrative. This is the information that shows you just how great you are, what you've done,

the type of person you are, and how impressive you can be. If brainstorming this information was

difficult, it's a sign that you probably have an extremely negative view of yourself. The more

ingrained it is, the longer it will take to unravel, but you can do it. You will do it. It's

the difference between telling yourself you're a good person and being able to list five things

that make you a downright impressive person. By having your resume ready for action,

you'll be able to battle your inner demons any time you feel low. It's like an emotional

inoculation or a medicine that counteracts the symptoms you experience when you suffer from

low self-confidence. It won't be easy to come up with these on the fly, but that's precisely why

it's so important to construct this resume beforehand. You won't be able to think of these

immediately, and some of these are buried so deep in your brain they'll never come up organically.

So what exactly goes into the confidence resume? This is just a guide. You can come up with your

own list, but this works for me and is a great place to start. Ten most notable accomplishments.

Five most unique experiences. Five most impressive moments.

Five things you've done that no one else has. Ten things you can do that no one else can.

You get the idea. You can keep going, but what we're doing here is taking inventory of your best

hits and making them easy to refer to. Looking at the list, which will naturally become impressive

and interesting, you can start to realize the type of person you actually are. You're the

type of person who climbs huge mountains and was pulled on stage at a Bon Jovi concert.

If you met this person out in the world, wouldn't you think they were interesting and want to know

them? Well, that person is you. This is the conclusion the evidence leads to. Any other

conclusion? It must be in your head. As you're writing the list, put down everything that

makes you feel proud or special or interesting, but you may also notice yourself putting down

things that simply make you, you, your values, your unique perspective on life, your background,

the challenges you've overcome, your principles. The fact is, maybe you don't come up with any

cool anecdotes to share at a party and can't think of much that you've done that others haven't.

So what? You are still and will always be the unique person you are. If you're struggling to

find enough to put on the list, dig deep. Aren't you working hard to improve yourself?

What does this say about your honesty, bravery and conscientiousness? Filling your list with things

like, I'm kind of hot and I have a great haircut is great, but these things are kind of superficial

and can be taken away or lost over time. Don't forget to include things that will always be

with you a good sense of humor, being a just and fair person, being compassionate and reasonable,

no matter what. These things are more important than you think. Sometimes we get carried away with

the big ticket items when compiling our list. We want to tally up the material gains or the

impressive ways we can prove to others that we're good enough or even better than them.

But true deep confidence comes from being content and accepting yourself, knowing who you are and

appreciating that. Take the time to write your list out and go over it regularly. I even encourage

people to write it on an index card and carry it around with them as a confidence boost whenever

they're contemplating taking action. You've done it before and you can do it again.

Takeaways. Confidence or lack thereof plays an integral role in our everyday lives.

You likely don't realize the assumptions you make in either position. You may or may not

assume people will like or accept you. You may or may not assume that things will go well.

You may or may not believe in yourself. These are all unfortunate ways in which our mindsets

are skewed. Things are made worse because of the part of human psychology that possesses

a negativity bias and wants to panic and protect you. This is known as the fight or flight response

and it causes our brains to short circuit by way of the amygdala and not process things from an

objective perspective. It causes our brains to be ruled by fear and terror. Social anxiety and

low confidence are closely connected, often reinforcing one another. We may feel inferior

to others and not equal to the task of putting ourselves out into the world, fearing rejection

or discomfort. This is further exacerbated by the spotlight effect, which is when we feel that

people are always focusing on us and watching our mistakes, causing massive amounts of anxiety and

self-consciousness. In fact, this is just a reflection of our own hypervigilance.

Low confidence can make us believe that others cause us to feel the emotions we do. In reality,

we perceive an event and it's our interpretation of it that results in our emotional response.

We are responsible for this middle step. If we become conscious of our own negative interpretations,

we can take charge of our emotional landscape. The brain, the amygdala in particular,

is responsible for this negativity bias and our tendency to act automatically and unconsciously.

We need to consistently slow down, become aware and make our thoughts and feelings conscious.

One confidence-building technique is to create a confidence resume, an objective list of your

positive traits and achievements to draw on to counteract negative narratives about yourself.

This has been the Confidence Formula. May cause lower self-doubt, higher self-esteem,

and comfort in your own skin. Written by Patrick King, narrated by Russell Newton.

Copyright 2021 by Patrick King. Production Copyright by Patrick King.