Speaker: 00:00:01

As the year winds down, it's natural to reflect on the choices we've made and the tasks

we've left unfinished and the comparisons we can't seem to stop making.

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Inspired by Dickens' A Christmas Carol, I've been thinking about the psychological ghosts

and the role they play in our lives.

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What can they teach us about regret, uncertainty and the importance of finishing or

letting go of what we start?

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Decision making has been a core part of my work, whether managing projects or leading

teams.

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Over the years, I've learned that while careful planning is important, it's often the

ability to embrace uncertainty that keeps things moving.

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We like to think that successful projects follow a clear, predictable path, but the truth

is uncertainty is always part of that process.

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It's what gives projects their vitality, especially when teams feel empowered to make

decisions.

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Without this momentum,

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projects can stall and that sense of stagnation is both demoralizing and costly.

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Interestingly, uncertainty also has a way of paralyzing us through a phenomenon called the

disjunction effect.

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So in one experiment, people were asked if they could book a trip to Hawaii before

receiving their exam results.

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Those who knew they'd passed or failed were more likely to make that decision to book the

trip while they're still waiting for the results.

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froze, they were paralysed, despite the outcome actually being irrelevant to the decision

to go on holiday or not itself.

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It's a phenomenon that feels familiar.

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The fear of uncertainty often keeps us from acting, even when we know the decision itself

won't change based on the unknown.

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In projects, this can lead to analysis paralysis.

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It's an exhausting state where progress slows, painfully so.

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and opportunities are missed while we go through lots and lots of information and try to

understand everything in detail in case we make the wrong decision.

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My reflection this year has been that we can't and shouldn't eliminate uncertainty and I'm

not suggesting avoidance as a wholesale approach to getting ahead and getting stuff done.

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After all, it's a tenet of psychological safety that we confront uncomfortable truths.

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But we can often make a small decision.

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Decisions create momentum and momentum moves us forward.

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So today I'm going to tell you about a small decision I've made that might lead to a big

decision, but how that's given me momentum and some renewed vitality for 2025.

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The phrase no regrets is often thrown around as though regret is inherently negative.

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And if you've listened to my podcast for a while, you know that I don't like definitive of

something always being bad or something always being good.

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I like that gray space in between.

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In A Christmas Carol, we see how Scrooge regrets his uncharitable choices.

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And part of his character transformation is how he comes to regret and make good on his

actions against others.

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The tale in one respect is laid upon the consequences of one decision leading to another

in a downward and miserly spiral for this main character.

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But I've come to see regret differently.

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Regret can be a powerful motivator when it's reframed as a learning tool.

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For 17 years after I finished my business course, I carried quite a deep regret of not

topping up to a full degree.

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And at first it felt like a huge weight and it did become a bit of a chip on my shoulder.

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Over time though, I came to see that I've made very good decisions and actually I was

where I wanted to be in my career.

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Instead of regret, it started to push me to pursue education in a different discipline.

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And what started as regret became a source of motivation and culminated in a new career in

psychology.

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We've all got unfinished projects that linger in our minds from half written emails, and I

am the queen of starting and not sending emails by the way, to abandoned hobbies.

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And there's a helpful reason that they stay there because our brains hold onto incomplete

tasks more than completed ones.

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So we don't forget them.

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Comes in very handy in some disciplines and in some work areas.

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This year, I made it a priority to clear out some of my own unfinished business.

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Tackling long delayed home renovations and decluttering possessions gave me a surprising

sense of relief.

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Each task I completed felt like a small weight had been lifted.

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And a few weeks ago, I sewed up 10 sets of fabric bunting.

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Now each triangle had been cut, stitched, turned inside out and ironed five years ago.

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Then we moved house.

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And the easy part of the task, sewing each triangle onto a single ribbon, stayed

unfinished in that box that I have moved around from room to room ever since.

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For me, this was a classic case of a task that wasn't difficult or interesting enough to

get restarted.

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And the original motivation, as originally been fundraising for a charity run, had long

passed and I'd met that target.

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So I had to force myself into a deadline to complete the lot in a timed session.

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It worked and next year, heads up, you might be getting the gift of bunting if you are my

dear friend.

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But not everything needs to be finished.

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And I've been struggling with my PhD, a monumental commitment for anybody.

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And it has at times felt overwhelming because I've not got it.

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The hypothesis and the question, they're just not nailed.

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And the temptation at this point is so strong.

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The temptation to quit is strong.

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But so is the fear of regret.

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So I've started to ask myself whether it's okay to say, not now.

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instead of never.

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Can I trick my brain out of this weird space of unfinished business and regret?

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After all, leaving something unfinished can be a form of self-care too, a way of maybe

saving space for future growth.

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To do this, I need to tackle an uncomfortable truth of comparison.

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It often complicates our relationship with unfinished business.

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And during the holidays especially, we compare ourselves to others, how their homes look,

what they've achieved, and even their sense of joy.

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It's easy to feel like we're falling short.

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And this kind of comparison can be especially challenging in spaces of ultra visibility.

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It's been a reoccurring theme as I navigate and juggle my career and PhD.

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and grapple with some costs.

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Most PhD journeys can feel lonely and solitary and the temptation to compare feels like it

should be a comfort blanket that other people's feel this way too.

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And it's all okay, except it isn't.

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It isn't okay to feel this way all of the time, is it?

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This year, earlier in Psychologically Speaking on the podcast, I talked about imposter

phenomenon.

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and highlighted the way that nuanced.

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This year's earlier Psychologically Speaking podcast on imposter phenomenon highlighted

the nuance ways though in which we use comparison.

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So I can take my own research and I can see comparison as a tool that can be helpful too.

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There was a curious moment for me when I took part in the LinkedIn co-author 2024 rewind

and it was like AI had stripped back all of my concerns and doubts and said here this is

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what you did this year and you have made progress.

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For balance, it also hallucinated another series of psychologically speaking, so perhaps

it was positively biased.

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But anticipated regret is another layer to unpack.

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We try to predict how we'll feel about a decision in the future, often freezing in the

process.

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Last month, I did make that hard decision to suspend my PhD for a specific period of time.

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I can't anticipate a full stop right now, and I wasn't in the best place to make that big

decision.

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It wasn't easy, but it felt necessary to make smaller decisions and sometimes stepping

back is the best way to regain perspective.

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As I look back on this year, I find it curious but unsurprising then that I've prioritised

steps to resolve a lot of my unfinished business.

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I've absolutely been projecting the frustration of the PhD into other areas where it's

easier to see the next step.

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And a lovely cascade of momentum started.

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We finally repased our leaky roofs, a project that had been on hold for far too long.

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And this opened the door to other long overdue rewiring and replastering.

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But I've also come to accept that not everything needs to be finished right away.

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I'm quite an impatient person and I like to do things quickly and I like a sense of

accomplishment.

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But my home is actually a metaphor for my imperfect life.

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We have half-strip wallways, renovated rooms, and those rooms I shut the door on to avoid

for whole days at a time.

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Granted, nine-year-olds do come with endless pieces of Lego and random Pokemon cards,

but...

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I've also got rooms that need proper gutting.

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But I can see or imagine a way forward.

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Some things can stay as in progress, serving as reminders of the journey we're on.

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Life doesn't need to be perfectly tied up in a bow or even need to go to plan to be

meaningful.

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And this is what I read when I saw what AI had interpreted for my ear.

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The ghosts of past, present and future in A Christmas Carol weren't there to overwhelm

Scrooge with information and endless options and what-ifs.

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They were there to show him the bigger picture and inspire him to act.

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In the same way, the psychological ghosts of regret, uncertainty and unfinished business

can guide us to better decision-making if we let them.

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So as the year comes to a close, I'm taking stock.

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I want to acknowledge my psychological ghosts, but they won't hold me back from success.

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Some things need to be finished and others can absolutely wait and that's okay.

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Life is after all, a work in progress.