Cold Open
Setting: Victim-relief Gala.
NARRATOR
It's another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis; where the superheroes save the day and the lawyers save the superheroes!
And today, the wealthy gather to dress up and raise money for a worthy cause! But of course, not all find such a cause so worthy…
[Sounds of clapping and cheering, cheering dies down and give way to sounds of someone walking onstage]
MASTER OF CEREMONIES
[slightly slurred speech, obviously drunk]
Welcome, welcome! It’s my burp humble pleasure to welcome everyone to our 3rd annual Supervillain-Victim Relief Gala.
RANDOM PERSON #1
Isn’t it the 4th?
RANDOM PERSON #2
3rd, 4th, 20th, who cares? Let’s just be glad we’re alive with money to spend and cocktails to drink!
MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Amen to that! Loving the turnout tonight! Look over there, it’s Rachel Fletcher! Rachel, I heard your vacation home get sucked into one of those big reality rifts last week?
RACHEL FLETCHER
Yeah, but it’s fine! I have three more!
[laughter]
MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Hey, that’s the spirit! Oh, and Sondra is with us as well! Didn’t Hell-ium almost make off with your whole fortune a couple of weeks ago?
SONDRA
Not if Ratman had anything to say about it. And he did!
[laughter]
MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Well, thank god for Ratman. Thank god for superheroes, for saving us and for giving us a reason to party!
[cheers]
We’ll start giving out awards momentarily, but for now, the bar is open and liquor is flowing! Everyone, in the name of all the victims of supervillain crime, enjoy yourselves!
[applause, the Master of Ceremonies goes backstage]
How’re we looking, Trevor?
STAGEHAND TREVOR
We’re all good, sir. Donations are flowing in. As predicted, everyone gave less than the suggested amount at the door, but Maximillion Hartwell seems to have started a contest over who can buy the most ostentatious foundation room, so money’s coming steadily now.
MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Outstanding. If that’s the case, why do you look so worried?
STAGEHAND TREVOR
Well, it’s just… talking about Hell-ium has me nervous. After he attacked Sondra, he escaped before Ratman could catch him. Shouldn’t we be worried that he’ll try to gas this place and rob us?
MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Oh, sweet, naive Trevor, don’t be ridiculous! This place is sealed tight. I’ve got the nation’s best security team watching the doors. Any villain that tries to gas this place has got another th- th-
[Starts coughing]
RANDOM PERSON 1
Oh my god! The gas! It’s coming out of the vents!!
[Coughing spreads and gets louder. Sounds of gas hissing out of the vents, and everyone’s yelling gets high-pitched like they’re on helium.]
[THEME SONG]
Scene 1:
[Elevator dings. Footsteps into the office]
LOIS
Good evening, Mx. Hallo.
HARPER
Hi, LOIS! Are you surprised to see me come in this late? It’s my first night shift!
LOIS
I am not surprised. I write the shift schedule.
HARPER
Oh, right.
LOIS
Mr. Aria got in shortly before you did. He’s in his office.
[Harper takes a deep breath]
Are you alright?
HARPER
Oh, yes! Just nervous to meet the boss. From what Bonnie and Cole told me, he seems…
LOIS
Rude? Unpleasant? Bloodthirsty?
HARPER
…abrasive. I just really want to make a good impression, so he knows he made the right decision hiring me! Oh, god, wait, I don’t know what this meeting’s about. What if he already doesn’t think he made the right decision hiring me? What if he’s displeased with my work so far? What if he saw that mess I made in the bathroom yesterday?
LOIS
Don’t worry. I cleaned that up.
HARPER
Really? How did you…
LOIS
I have my ways, Mx. Hallo. Now, please, Mr. Aria is waiting.
HARPER
Okay. Deep breaths. I can do this.
[Footsteps.]
LOIS
Do you know where you’re going, Mx. Hallo?
HARPER
Um…I haven’t been there yet, but his office is in the basement, right?
LOIS
It is, yes.
HARPER
[lower voice]
Is he really a vampire?
LOIS
Well, he is unable to tolerate direct sunlight.
HARPER
But does he really drink blood? Human blood?
LOIS
His nutritional requirements are not your concern.
HARPER
[worried]
Right, right, sorry! I don’t mean to pry! Or discriminate or anything! Bonnie and Cole told me he got bitten by a radioactive mosquito, and I know how hard it can be for people with mutative powers! I have a cousin who– no, never mind, it’s none of my business. I’ll be sure not to ask him about it.
LOIS
See that you don’t. In any case, I am certain you will get to know Mr. Aria soon enough. That typically occurs when you meet with a person.
HARPER
Of course, yes! I’m going!
[Footsteps. Harper opens the door to Mal’s office. Mal is in the middle of a conversation.]
HARPER
It’s so dark in here compared to everyone else’s offices.
MAL
… now I understand your concern Mr. Tennesely, being the 6th in your line-
AUSTEN TENNESELY (THE 8TH)
The 8th!
MAL
Ah, yes, of course. Now- Ah, Harper Hallo, I presume?
HARPER
Wow, you pronounced it right! I mean, yes, that’s me. It’s great to finally meet you, Mr. Aria!
MAL
Likewise, I’m certain. Now please, have a seat. We have a client.
HARPER
Oh, uh, yeah!
[Harper sits]
MAL
Allow me to introduce Austen Tennesley the 5th-
TENNESLEY
8th!
MAL
Right, right. Mr. Tennesley, this is Harper Hallo, a summer associate at the firm. Mx. Hallo, Mr. Tennesley and his family are long-time clients of mine. He’s the owner of the famous Tennesley Tower.
HARPER
Oh, wow, really? My school held Law Prom there! It's a lovely building. Although I think it was under construction when I was there, so some of it was behind scaffolding.
TENNESLEY
I’m afraid that’s the typical state of things.
HARPER
I guess it had been attacked by…I forget, I’m sorry. Some supervillain.
TENNESLEY
[resigned sigh]
As I said. Typical.
MAL
Precisely why we’re here. A recent Tennesely Tower fundraising event was attacked with poisoned gas by the villain known as Hell-ium. He used a gas of his own creation, an enhanced type of helium that, in addition to making the patrons speak like chipmunks, also caused them to float around like balloons. Several members of the foundation were injured and are now suing Mr. Tennesley for damages, claiming they suffered both physical and psychological trauma.
TENNESELY
And monetary damage. Some say they’ve lost business due to the… less than dignified videos that made it to MeTube.
MAL
Yes, I must say I’m still a bit confused on that point. What does a tube have to do with any of this?
HARPER
Regardless, how is Mr. Tennesely responsible for a villain’s attack?
TENNESLEY
They’re claiming we should have had security against the poison gas. Filters in the vents, that sort of thing. Ugh! If we were held responsible every time our building got attacked we’d be ruined! Do you know how often this happens?
HARPER
Have you thought about not hosting events that villains like to target?
TENNESLEY
What don’t villains like to target! Last year a puppy rescue event was hit! The Kitty Avenger seemed to think it was discrimination against kittens…
MAL
Calm down, Mr. Tennesley. We have this handled. The court is not going to hold you responsible for every rogue puppy-hater’s attack.
TENNESLEY
How can you be sure?
MAL
I believe my team’s record speaks for itself.
HARPER
Yes! We successfully represented Cayne Industries last week!
TENNESLEY
Didn’t Mr. Cayne drop that suit?
HARPER
Uh…
MAL
[slightly irritated]
Yes, he did.
[normal again]
Because that was what suited his needs. We have, however, successfully argued many high-profile cases in court, including Pillow Jones v. Unicorn Rider and Clockmaster v. Myrling.
TENNESLEY
I see. I did hear about Myrling–she was your client?
MAL
She was. Still is, since Clockmaster has an unfortunate tendency to get caught in time loops.
TENNESLEY
Time loops?
MAL
Indeed. Thus far we have won 17 verdicts for Ms. Myrling. The time distortion makes billables a nightmare.
TENNESLEY
[kind of impressed]
Seventeen. Well, I hope you can keep it up. I must be going now. Fires to put out at my father’s office. With any luck, he’ll at least be happy to know we’ve got you on our case.
MAL
Yes, good day, Mr. Tennesley. Give the 2nd our best.
TENNESLEY
My father is the 7th!
MAL
Right, right, him too.
[Footsteps, Tennesley makes a frustrated noise and walks out]
I can’t disagree with his frustration. This is ridiculous — in my day, citizens would never have sued a building for a villain’s attack.
LOIS
Certainly not. They would have simply broken out some pitchforks and torches, I presume?
MAL
[ignoring LOIS]
However, we must deal with the case before us now. Alright, Mx. Hallo. I need you to go through the complaint and fact-check as much as you can. LOIS will provide you with any documentation we have available, witness statements, etc. Our primary argument will be that none of the evidence is material to the case because the venue is not liable for a third party attack, but we need to be thorough.
HARPER
[off guard]
Oh, um, yes!
MAL
To that end, you will also need to look into the history of the venue and understand its security measures. Mr. Tennesley has promised to provide these details, but I’ll need you to comb through his report and write up a memo.
HARPER
A memo! Sure! Um…
MAL
Is there some confusion?
HARPER
No! No, of course not. I just didn’t expect us to get straight to work like this.
MAL
What else would we do?
HARPER
Um… I guess I figured we were going to introduce ourselves?
MAL
… introduce ourselves.
HARPER
Yes! Um, I’m Harper Hallo, the new summer associate.
MAL
Yes, I’m aware of that.
HARPER
Of course, of course. And you’re Malcolm Aria, right? My boss?
MAL
Yes, I am. Which is why I am currently giving you legal tasks.
HARPER
Great, cool.
[beat]
Um… do you want me to tell you a little bit about myself?
MAL
I’d like you to tell me whether you can write this memo.
HARPER
Y-yes! Of course I can!
MAL
Wonderful. You should also be able to glean some useful information from any history of gas attacks at the tower.
LOIS
May I remind you that I have access to our entire case history?
MAL
Ah yes, thank you LOIS. How many times have we defended Tennesely Tower for gas attacks, specifically?
LOIS
This will be the fourth time in as many years.
MAL
Excellent. If you could provide any of our previous research from those incidents to young Hallo, that should make their job easier.
LOIS
Certainly, although the previous cases don’t allege quite the same thing as this one. So I cannot do your entire job for you, Mx. Hallo.
HARPER
Oh, of course, I would never expect —
MAL
You’ll need to double-check whatever previous research tells you anyway, Mx. Hallo, but the backlog should give you a head start. That said, LOIS is right — this complaint specifically alleges that there are gas filters that Tennesley should have had installed in the vents of the venue, which I don’t believe we’ve looked into before. You’ll need to find out about those. Learn whether they would have stopped the gas, whether the Tower could have installed them, anything you believe to be relevant. Expert testimony may be helpful. You’ve studied the Hand formula, correct? I know it was recent–
LOIS
1947.
HARPER
Yes, I have studied it! It’s for calculation of duty of care, balancing how hard the precautions would have been to enact with the risk and extent of potential injury.
MAL
Precisely. So any information about the filter system probative to such things–
HARPER
I understand! How costly the filters would have been to install, how likely this gas attack was, how much harm resulted from it… I’ll cover it all.
MAL
Excellent. As for finding potential experts, it would behoove you to utilize LOIS’s research capabilities.
LOIS
Yes. “Behoove.”
MAL
I do.
LOIS
If I had eyes to roll, I would roll them right now.
MAL
Mx. Hallo, go ahead and get started with your research. I’ll take care of answering the complaint, so you’ll have more information to work with as we move into the discovery phase.
HARPER
Right away, Mr. Aria! Thank you, this is a really interesting case and I’m honored to be involved!
MAL
Yes, yes. Just get your memo to me as soon as you can.
HARPER
I will! Um…
MAL
Is there something else?
HARPER
Well, obviously we’re both too busy to talk now, which is fine! You’re not an introductions type of guy, understood! But do you think we could set up some kind of… first-week-at-the-firm meeting? I’ve learned so much from spending time with Ms. Firestein and Ms. Castillo, so I would just love to pick your brain about your career — (and)
MAL
Ms. Firestein and Ms. Castillo will be serving as your guides to the firm. I’m a busy man, so a meeting won’t be possible, but you are welcome to come to my office or contact me remotely with work-related questions at any time.
HARPER
R-right. Right! Um, great. I’ll get started on that memo right away!
MAL
See that you do.
[Footsteps, Harper walks to the door.]
Alright, LOIS. If you would take dictation for the answer…
LOIS
[Mocking typewriter sounds.]
Yes, yes, of course, boss.
MAL
[Grunts disapprovingly]
Under Pickford–
[Door closes.]
Scene 2:
Setting: Breakroom. Harper, Bonnie, and Cole are having lunch.
[Sandwich bags opening.]
BONNIE
Glad to see you're not having an enchilada, today, Harper.
HARPER
Yeah, hoo boy. Not making that mistake again.
COLE
What kind of sandwich is that anyway?
HARPER
Spicy tuna.
COLE
Huh…
HARPER
Yeah, I’ve been on a real spice kick lately.
COLE
And you don’t think that has anything to do with… never mind.
BONNIE
So, are you excited for your first case with Mr. Aria?
HARPER
You bet I am! Although…
COLE
Did he scare the living crap out of you?
HARPER
No, no, nothing like that! I just… don’t think he likes me very much.
BONNIE
Why’s that?
HARPER
Well, you two have been so welcoming since I got here! Eating lunch with me and stuff. And he just seemed…
BONNIE
Rude?
COLE
Dickish?
HARPER
… disinterested. In me.
COLE
Don’t worry, that’s pretty standard.
BONNIE
He’s always a little on the prickly side. Honestly, he says he likes that stuffy little basement office, but his constant crankiness says otherwise.
HARPER
So he didn’t seem interested in getting to know you two when you started here? Or in letting you get to know him?
BONNIE
Absolutely not.
COLE
Trust me, when Mal gets to work, he’s only interested in work. It isn’t anything personal. He just doesn’t really care about our personalities or interests or whatever. It’s fine!
HARPER
… if you’re sure. I just really want to impress him.
BONNIE
Well, the best way to do that is by doing your job well! Do you know where you’re going to start on your case?
HARPER
Oh, yeah, I think so! I heard him talking about something called “Pickford”. What’s that?
BONNIE
Precedent case. You didn’t learn about it in class?
HARPER
Not that I remember, no.
BONNIE
It was one of the first things my old Torts professor talked about. It’s the go-to defense whenever people get blamed for supervillain attacks. Comes up a lot here.
COLE
It’s Pickford v. First Megalopolitan Bank. A supervillain named Glue Gun Gary — and god knows how the hell sie arrived at that moniker, sier real name was Eben Taylor — robbed a bank and glued some ungodly expensive painting to a wall in the process. When the painting’s owner tried to pry it off, it tore.
BONNIE
That customer sued the bank for not having better security, but the court ruled that the bank could never have reasonably predicted a superglue attack. Then the ruling went broad, holding as a matter of law that supervillains are unpredictable. Which isn’t much of a stretch, really.
COLE
Heh, stretch! Like glue.
BONNIE
Hush, you. The ruling has been challenged successfully before, though, so there are a few exceptions here and there, but most judges will throw out any case like this.
HARPER
Really? But surely some of those cases have merit.
BONNIE
Careful. You’re arguing against yourself there.
HARPER
I know, I know, but… how hard is it to take some basic precautions? A giant superglue gun is one thing, but some supervillains are pretty predictable. Would it have been that hard for Tennesley Tower to install some filters? It would keep a lot of people from getting hurt.
COLE
Aww, look, Bonnie. They’re trying to save people.
BONNIE
You’re so cute, Harper.
HARPER
I just think we should consider this from all angles! Including, you know… morality.
COLE
Like she said: adorable.
BONNIE
Don’t worry, we’re just teasing. Let’s get back on track.
COLE
Other than Pickford, anything else we can help you with?
HARPER
Well, I’ve already gotten started on a lot of the fact-checking, but Mr. Aria said I’d need to find an expert on gas filtration systems and I’m not really sure how to go about that.
BONNIE
LOIS can help you with that. She finds experts for us all the time.
HARPER
Oh, right! Hey, –
LOIS
There’s a man by the name of Liam Hellsworth who works as a Heating and Air Conditioning repairman. His office is on west 43rd street.
HARPER
Wow! That was fast.
LOIS
Unlike supervillains, you are quite predictable.
BONNIE
Speaking of predictable, how’s the sandwich treating you?
HARPER
Oh, it’s great! Absolutely no regrets!
COLE
Well, we’ll see how long that lasts.
Scene 3:
Setting: Liam Hellsworth’s HVAC on 43rd street
[Bells clink. The front door to the HVAC office opens. The desk clerk is a perky secretary with a high pitched voice.]
CLERK
Welcome to Liam Hellsworth’s HVAC! How may I help you?
HARPER
Um, where can I find Mr. Hellsworth?
CLERK
Do you have an appointment?
HARPER
I don’t. I just have a few questions. I’m a law student at Smith, Schmitz, Smeets, and Smithers, and I was hoping to get his expert opinion on something for a case I’m working on about the gas attack at the Victim-Relief Gala that happened a couple of days ago?
CLERK
I see. Hang on a moment, I’ll give him a call, see if he’s free.
HARPER
Awesome, thank you!
[picking up the phone noises]
CLERK
Hello there, Mr. Hellsworth! I have a young lawyer here to ask you a few questions.
[beat]
The recent gas attack at the Victim-Relief Gala.
[beat]
Pardon?
[beat]
But you don’t have any — okay, okay!
[phone hanging up noises]
Um, apologies, it appears Mr. Hellsworth is occupied at the moment.
HARPER
Oh, okay. Could I make an appointment and come back?
CLERK
He… didn’t seem terribly open to that. But perhaps we could —
[Giant crashing sound and screams, Mr. Hellsworth falls out of a vent in the ceiling]
Mr. Hellsworth! Were you in the vents?
MR. HELLSWORTH
No! Well, yes!
CLERK
Why?!
MR. HELLSWORTH
[obviously lying, trying to sneak out to avoid this conversation]
Oh, you know! I needed to get some exercise, and this was the quickest way outside, so…
HARPER
[oblivious]
Oh, wonderful! So you’re not busy!
MR. HELLSWORTH
I… no, I suppose I’m not.
HARPER
Could I just ask you a few questions, then? It’ll only take a couple minutes!
HELLSWORTH
I —
HARPER
[bright and sweet]
Or if there is a better time, I’m happy to wait! I’ll stay here all day if I have to!
HELLSWORTH
[resigned]
No, no, that… won’t be necessary. Come in, I suppose.
[Door closes behind Harper. Sounds of Hellsworth sitting in a chair.]
Now, how can I help you?
HARPER
Well, I was hoping you could tell me a little about the specifications of Tennesley Tower.
I wasn’t there the night it was attacked!
HARPER
[A beat.]
I never asked if you were…
HELLSWORTH
[Swallows, audibly nervous.]
R-right, of course, you didn’t. I… I just wanted to get that out there in case you were going to ask something… uh… along those lines, y’know.
HARPER
Uh, I wasn’t planning on it. Unless you think it’s relevant?
HELLSWORTH
No! Sorry, just… ask what you were planning to ask.
HARPER
Certainly! First I’d like to know about the types of ventilation systems you’ve worked with. Since you’ve got your office here in the middle of the city, it’s safe to assume you’ve worked in buildings like the Tennesley, right?
HELLSWORTH
That’s correct.
HARPER
From your experience, would a building like the Tennesley have a filtration system that could filter out poison gas like the kind that Hell-ium uses?
HELLSWORTH
[Yells]
Of course not! His gas is unstoppable! It’s made from… um.
[Lowers his voice]
I mean, it’s-it’s made with compounds specifically designed to bypass filtration systems. We in the biz have been trying to reverse engineer it, so —
HARPER
You in… the HVAC biz?
HELLSWORTH
Yes!
HARPER
Why?
MR. HELLSWORTH
Because it’s brilliant work! Revolutionary!
HARPER
Woah, okay! Alright, so you’re sure filters couldn’t have worked on the Hell-ium’s gas?
MR. HELLSWORTH
I… well, there may be filters out there that could block the gas. High fidelity, specialty ones.
HARPER
[disappointed]
Oh.
MR. HELLSWORTH
But, but! No self-respecting villain would allow that to stop them. Even if – and I mean if – the building had filters that could block the gas, they could just find a different way to get the gas inside. Especially a great villain like Hell-ium.
HARPER
You… seem to really admire this guy. Do you know him personally? Is he an old friend from high school or something?
HELLSWORTH
NO! No, no, no, of course not! I… I think that’s all the time I have for this interview Mx. Hallo. I’m afraid you’ll have to leave. I have an appointment in… uh… twenty minutes.
HARPER
Oh, well, I think that’s all needed, anyway. Thanks a lot for your time, Mr. Hellsworth!
HELLSWORTH
Of course.
[Harper leaves Mr. Hellsworth’s office, then walks out the door]
CLERK
Have a good day!
HARPER
Thanks! That guy sure is nice, isn’t he?
CLERK
You bet he is.
Scene 4:
Setting: Outside the conference room.
NARRATOR
One research montage and memo writing session later, young Harper Hallo waits for Malcolm Aria to get out of a case management conference! And while they wait, they stew in their own anxiety…
HARPER
Oh, I hope my findings are helpful…
LOIS
They looked fine to me.
HARPER
I don’t know. I mean, the Pickford case seems like a strong precedent, but what if this is an exception?
LOIS
You’re just experiencing performance anxiety. You’re worried about how your boss will appraise your work and it’s making you think you did worse than you did.
HARPER
Maybe. I guess Mr. Hellsworth did say filters probably wouldn’t have worked. That’s got to be helpful.
LOIS
Mx. Hallo, I was present as you wrote your memorandum. You do not need to repeat it back to me now.
HARPER
Sorry... ugh, why was Mr. Aria so adamant about having the memo in print? Doesn’t he know how hard it is to find a printer?
LOIS
He likes to feel things with his fingers. Oh, it appears he’s almost done with that conference. Now would be a good time to give him the memo.
HARPER
Are you sure?
LOIS
[lying]
Oh yes. He’s always in a good mood after conferences.
MAL
[Door bursts open to Mal’s grumbling.]
Damn clerk. “We can’t book the court for 9PM.” Then what the hell can you do?? As if this is their first case with a nocturnal attorney…
HARPER
Mr. Aria!
MAL
What? Ah, Mx. Hallo. Hello.
HARPER
Uhh… I – uh – that-that memo you wanted.
[Paper rustling.]
It’s – uh – it’s finished.
MAL
[Grouchy]
Hmph… Thank you. I’ll let you know when I’ve had a chance to peruse it.
[Muttering as he walks off]
What is this typeface? That’s not Courier. What are they teaching in law schools nowadays…
[Footsteps, a door slams in the distance. Beat]
HARPER
Did… did that go well?
LOIS
I’m afraid it’s almost impossible to tell with him.
Scene 5:
Setting: In the courtroom. It’s the day of the trial.
NARRATOR
Listener, we bring you forward to that staple of courtroom drama, the trial!
[Courtroom noises]
BONNIE
[Whispering]
Oh, isn’t this exciting, Harper?
COLE
Yeah! First time seeing Mal in action! And he’ll be using your research!
HARPER
I guess! I haven’t gotten a lot of feedback from him on it, other than that I should use a different font in the future.
BONNIE
Lemme guess… Courier?
HARPER
[distraught]
My computer didn’t have Courier! Just Courier New!
COLE
Yeah, it’s the “new” that’s the problem for him.
BONNIE
I wouldn’t worry about it. He’s not gonna hold a grudge over that. Cole uses Comic Sans half the time and she’s still here.
COLE
I just love the colors he turns.
HARPER
I guess that’s reassuring…
COLE
You don’t sound reassured.
HARPER
It’s just… you said the best way to impress him was by being a good lawyer, and I have no idea what he thought of my work! What if it wasn’t helpful?
BONNIE
I wouldn’t worry about that either. You’re only a law student, nobody expects you to solve the whole case!
COLE
Besides, maybe you did solve the whole case. We won’t know until the trial’s over.
HARPER
That’s true.
[deep breath]
Okay. Okay, I’m fine.
BAILIFF
All rise!
NARRATOR
And now for a real secret, listener… Trials are rarely the nonstop drama that you may see on television! There are, of course, the dramatic speeches in opening statements…
ELLERY FOREST
And we will show… that the Defendant, Mr. Tennesley the eighth, should have known, as any reasonable person would, that this gala would come under attack! And he should, and could, have prepared…
[fade out and in]
MAL
…and he cannot prove that such a person is predictable, because when has a supervillain ever been predictable?
NARRATOR
But the trial only really gets interesting when the first few witnesses are done, the basic facts of the case presented. Then come the big witnesses, like…
Scene 6:
Setting: Back in the courtroom
ELLERY FOREST
The plaintiff calls Hell-ium to the stand.
[Surprised whispers from the gallery, footsteps]
BAILIFF
Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, under pains and penalties of perjury?
HELL-IUM
I do.
[Hell-ium sits]
[More footsteps, PL walks up to the stand]
ELLERY FOREST
Mr. Hell-ium, how is it that you commit these gas attacks?
HELL-IUM
Quite simple. I make the gas, then I fill the immediate atmosphere with it.
ELLERY FOREST
Uh-huh. Fascinating. You do this every time?
HELL-IUM
Yes.
ELLERY FOREST
How many times have you attacked events in this manner?
HELL-IUM
Oh, wow, I…I don’t think I’ve kept count! At least two dozen.
ELLERY FOREST
Two dozen?
HELL-IUM
Well, yes! Once you find your brand, it’s best to stick to it!
ELLERY FOREST
I see. And do you, shall we say, vet your targets?
HELL-IUM
Excuse me?
ELLERY FOREST
Do you investigate the sites of your crimes before you commit them?
HELL-IUM
Of course, I do! What respectable villain wouldn’t?
ELLERY FOREST
And you do this every time?
HELL-IUM
Every time.
ELLERY FOREST
And what did you find in your investigation of the Tennesley Tower?
HELL-IUM
Well… I did see that the building had a complex ventilation system. But it was of course no match for my gas. It’s made with compounds specifically designed to bypass –
ELLERY FOREST
So would you say that the building did not have the most up-to-date ventilation sys-?
MAL
Objection, your honor!
JUDGE
Sustained. That’s a bit too far, Mx. Forest.
ELLERY FOREST
Let me rephrase. Mr. Hell-ium, what kind of heating-and-air system did you see during your investigation of your intended crime scene? What brand?
HELL-IUM
Why, it was a Coleman.
ELLERY FOREST
Uh-huh. And how long has Coleman been in business?
HELL-IUM
… I-is that a trick question? They’ve been out of business for decades!
[Beat.]
ELLERY FOREST
Thank you, Mr. Hell-ium. No further questions.
MAL
[Clears throat. Sounds of him standing up from his chair.]
Mr. Hell-ium, you just testified that you investigate your targets before you attack them.
HELL-IUM
Yes, of course. As any real villain would do.
MAL
And in doing so, you concede that you would find a way to bypass whatever filtration system the building had, regardless of the brand or type?
HELL-IUM
Yes. I know what I’m–
MAL
So if, say, a building were to have filters capable of stopping your weaponized gas, you would know about it?
ELLERY FOREST
Objection, calls for speculation.
MAL
Your Honor, the plaintiff opened the door to discussion of Hell-ium’s routine.
JUDGE
Overruled. You may answer the question.
HELL-IUM
Absolutely!
MAL
And based only on your routine, what you usually do, what would you do then?
HELL-IUM
I would attack personally with my sprayer, bypassing the vents!
MAL
And what would you do if there were guards posted outside of the building awaiting some sort of attack?
HELL-IUM
Why, I would knock them out with my gas, of course.
MAL
And what if they were wearing gas masks?
HELL-IUM
Pah! I would simply sneak inside and blast the inhabitants with gas.
MAL
And if they were wearing masks?
HELL-IUM
A small obstacle! I have an army of nanobots at my beck and call. I would use them to inject the guests with the poison directly.
MAL
And would this impact the dosage of the poison?
HELL-IUM
Of course it does, you fool! I would adjust accordingly!
MAL
I see. And if your nemesis, Ratman were to appear, what would you do then?
HELL-IUM
Why, I would destroy that meddlesome cur!
MAL
Hm. It’s interesting you say that. He should be here any moment now. I plan to call him as my next witness.
[Shuffling sounds. Loud running footsteps. Hell-ium is running out of the courtroom.]
JUDGE
[The gavel slams]
Hell-ium! You must return to the stand at… Well, he’s gone.
NARRATOR
And with that, the super portion of this trial is complete.
MAL
Your honor, people of the jury, as you can see, villains are as unpredictable as they are dangerous. Mx. Forest had no control over their witness, nor did they know what he would say during my cross-examination, or they would not have called him. And despite his boasts about being able to easily dispatch Ratman, Hell-ium fled at the mere mention of the hero’s name. This can only prove that Tennesely can hardly be held accountable for the attack’s highly unpredictable nature.
[Transition music passes over closing arguments]
JUROR
We find in favor of the defendant, Tennesley Towers.
[Gavel slams]
HARPER
Wow… that was something.
BONNIE
I know right! Mal is amazing in court.
HARPER
I… I think he used my research!
COLE
Really?
HARPER
[proud]
Mr. Hellsworth kept talking about self-respecting villains finding workarounds to security systems! I would’ve never thought to use that information this way, but it came from me!
BONNIE
Well, there you go! That was the center of his case!
HARPER
It looks like I’ve made a good first impression after all! Oh, here he comes! Mr. Aria, that was amazing!
MAL
Oh, Mx. Hallo. Thank you, I suppose. I’m sure you spotted your memo’s contributions.
HARPER
I did! Say, it’s pretty late. Maybe we could have a team dinner to celebrate?
MAL
Oh, heavens no. I’m going home.
HARPER
But —
MAL
[leaving]
I’ll see you at the office tomorrow! 6PM sharp!
[beat, Harper groans]
BONNIE
Aw, cheer up, kid. Don’t take it personally.
COLE
Tell you what, how about Bonnie and I buy you some dinner?
HARPER
Really?
BONNIE
Really.
HARPER
[brightening]
That sounds great, thank you two! I know this great Thai place off-
BONNIE AND COLE
NO!
HARPER
What? Curry isn’t that spicy…
NARRATOR
And there you have it, young Harper Hallo’s first case working with their new boss! And another case won by their hard work!
We'll see you again soon, listener; for wherever there are lawyers being super, there are supers needing lawyers. Join us next time for another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis, here on Super Suits!
[END]