Have you ever felt like you and your mother are speaking completely different languages, or perhaps you're a mother who feels like no matter how you phrase things, your daughter just doesn't seem to hear what you're actually saying? You're not alone. Welcome to the Mother-Daughter Relationship. Show the podcast for mothers and daughters who want to build stronger bonds, deepen their understanding and transform their relationships. I'm your host, Brittany Scott, licensed therapist and mother-daughter relationship coach. After years of working with hundreds of daughters. And mothers. I've developed strategies that help break generational patterns, heal wounds, and create the loving relationships you've always wanted. Each week I'll be sharing insights from real clients, expert interviews and practical tools you can use immediately to improve your mother-daughter dynamic. Whether you're struggling with communication breakdowns, navigating major life transitions, or simply wanna take your already good relationship to the next level. The show is for you. And yes, the transformation I guide my clients through can be yours too. I'll share more about how you can work with me. It's time to experience the relationship you both deserve. Are you ready? Let's dive in. Today, we're diving into one of the most fundamental aspects of any relationship, but especially the mother-daughter. Dynamic communication. We'll explore how generational differences, influence communication styles, techniques for having those difficult but necessary conversations. And practical active listening strategies that both mothers and daughters can implement right away. Let's take a moment to understand why mothers and daughters often seem to be speaking different languages. When we think about communication styles, we need to acknowledge that each generation grows up with different cultural norms, technologies, and social expectations that profoundly shape how they express themselves and interpret others. Your mother likely grew up in an era where communication was more formal, indirect, or perhaps, you know, the age old. Children are to be seen and not heard. There might have been topics that were simply off limits or emotions that were openly discussed. Maybe directness was considered rude, or vulnerability was seen as weakness. Meanwhile, today's generations have often been raised with more emphasis on expressing feelings, being authentic, and naming needs directly. And I'm a millennial, but if you didn't experience this yourself, you might be teaching your child this. Many younger women have been encouraged to use I statements, set boundaries, prioritize their emotional wellbeing in ways that might seem foreign or even selfish to their mother's generation. Neither approach is inherently right or wrong maybe, but they are simply different languages that develop in different context. I've heard time and time again mothers and daughters frustrated with how each other speaks or how they don't speak. Phrases like, why can't she just say what she means? Why does she seem to talk in passive aggressive ways? When my mom can just say what she's thinking, I never know what she's thinking, or my mom thinks that I'm just rude and disrespectful because I tell her what I'm feeling or I tell her what I don't like that she did. Let's do a quick self-assessment. Think about how communication happened in your family growing up. Were emotions openly discussed. Or were certain feelings like anger or disappointment considered taboo? How were disagreements handled? Did y'all actually talk about them? Was conflict addressed directly or was it avoided? Did anybody come back to finish a discussion when things got heated? Or did everyone just silently move on as if nothing ever happened? Were there unspoken rules about what could be discussed and what couldn't? Did you learn how to hold certain things in and only bring up things that you knew your parents or your mother would actually address? How did your family handle requests? Were needs stated directly or through hints? Did you have to make things seem like it was their idea? Or were you able to just speak up directly about what you needed and maybe what you desired? Understanding these patterns help us recognize the communication accent we grew up with and how it might differ from the one our mother or daughters use. So how do we bridge these generational communication gaps? Here are some practical strategies. Number one, acknowledge the different communication errors. Start by recognizing that you and your mother or daughter grew up in different communication environments. This isn't about excusing harmful communication, but about understanding its roots. Try saying, I know we sometimes have different ways of expressing ourselves. I'm trying to understand your communication style better, and I hope that you can be patient with mine. Number two, create a shared vocabulary. Sometimes the same words mean different things to different generations. Establish shared definitions for important concepts in your relationship. For example, when a mother says, I'm just worried about you, her daughter might hear, I don't trust your judgment. Creating clarity around what worry actually means to each of you can prevent misunderstanding. Number three, translate between styles. Learn to mentally translate between your natural communication style and your mother's or your daughters. If your mother tends to be indirect practice looking for the request or need beneath her statements. If your daughter is more direct than you're comfortable with, try to hear her words as clarity rather than disrespect. Number four, use generational strengths. Each generation's communication style has strengths. Older generation often excel at thoughtful face-to-face conversation without technology or its distractions. Younger generations may be more comfortable with emotional vulnerability and naming difficult dynamics. I worked with a mother-daughter pair once who found that texting actually improved their communication. The daughter felt less emotionally reactive when discussing difficult topics via text, and the mother appreciated having time to carefully consider her responses. They used their generational strengths, the daughter's comfort with technology and the mother's thoughtfulness to create a communication bridge. Another idea here is to use a journal. So if you're a mom with raising a young daughter right now, who's living with you, using a journal to actually help communicate right back and forth to each other, sometimes doing this and getting your thoughts out and your feelings and being vulnerable without the person sitting in front of you often feels better and a lot more comfortable, and you guys can go deeper and have more fulfilling conversations. Number five, recognize unspoken rules. Every family has unspoken rules about communication. Maybe in your family it wasn't okay to express anger, or perhaps criticism was delivered through helpful suggestions rather than direct feedback. These unspoken rules create confusion when we're unaware of them. Start bringing these rules into consciousness by gently naming them. I notice in our family we tend to change the subject. When someone expresses sadness and trying to get more comfortable sitting with difficult emotions, maybe we can all practice that. Okay. So how do you have difficult conversations without damaging the relationship? Sometimes those necessary conversations can be the hardest ones to have and the ones that leave lasting damage because maybe one or both of you weren't ready for the conversation. Maybe the place that the conversation happened was wrong, can be a number of things. So let's go through how to have these necessary but difficult conversations without causing damage. That last too long or goes too deep. One, choose the right timing. Timing can make or break a difficult conversation. Avoid bringing up challenging topics when either of you is hungry, tired, stressed. Maybe one of you is pressed for time and only has a few minutes. Maybe one or both of you is already emotional from something else, or maybe you're in a public setting and it's not the right place to have this conversation. Instead, consider proposing a specific time. Hey mom, I'd like to talk about something that's been on my mind with tomorrow afternoon work for you when we both have some quiet time. Actually setting up the perfect time to have this conversation can make the dynamics of the conversation a lot smoother. Number two, set a positive intention before initiating a difficult conversation. Get clear in your intention. Are you trying to prove your right or are you genuinely seeking understanding and resolution? Your intention will shape the entire conversation. I often suggest setting an intention like this. My goal here is to express my feelings clearly while maintaining our connection. This helps keep the conversation from veering into blame or defensiveness. And you don't have to state something that like that out loud, but if you have that understanding inside of your mind about, okay, this is my focus. I want to try to remain here, and this is the intention for this conversation, it can make the outcome a lot more fruitful. Number three, use a sandwich approach with authenticity. While the classic feedback sandwich the positive statement, negative statement, positive statement, can sometimes feel manipulative, a more authentic version can be helpful. So. You'll start with a genuine affirmation of the relationship, then you would address a difficult topic directly, but compassionately. And number three, end by reaffirming your commitment to the relationship. So, for example, this can sound like I value our relationship so much, and that's why I need to talk to you about something that's been hurting me. When you comment on my weight, even though I know you care about my health, it makes me feel judged and less confident. I'm sharing this because I want us to have an even stronger relationship where I can fully be accepted. Number four, take responsibility for your part. Difficult conversations go better when we acknowledge our own contribution to the dynamic. This isn't about taking blame or placing blame, but recognizing the relationship as a system where both people play a part. You might say something like, Hey, I realize I've been responding to your suggestions with defensiveness, which probably make you feel like I don't care or value your experience. I'm working to be more open. I. And number five, have an exit strategy. Sometimes despite our best efforts, difficult conversations become too heated. Having a predetermined way to pause a conversation can prevent lasting damage. Agree on a phrase like, I'm feeling too emotional to continue this conversation productively. I care about resolving this, but I need some time to collect my thoughts. Can we take a 30 minute break or can we maybe try again tomorrow? Now let's talk about what might be the most important communication style of all active listening. True listening goes beyond simply hearing words. It's about deeply understanding the message beneath them. In episode three of the podcast, if you go back to that communication episode, I share a technique that I use with mothers and daughters in sessions with me and what I teach them, and I show you exactly how to use it. I'm gonna give you a few more examples in this episode. Here are some specific active listening techniques for both mothers and daughters. Number one, body language of presence. Face tope, fully. Maintain comfortable eye contact. Have an open posture. Uncross those arms, uncross those legs. Don't look standoffish, not occasionally to show your following and put away your phone and other distractions completely. These physical signs communicate that you're fully present, which creates safety for the vulnerable sharing. It also shows that you're interested in what they have to say and that you're not annoyed about being there. Number two, reflective listening. Reflective listening involves paraphrasing what you've heard to confirm. Understanding. This isn't just repeating words, it's reflecting the essence of what was said. So for example, what I'm hearing is that you feel unsupported when I offer solutions instead of listening. Is that right or. It sounds like you're saying my comments about your parenting make you feel judged as a mother. Do I have that correct? This practice slows down the conversation and ensures that you're responding to what was actually said, not what you assume was meant, and it also shows that you're listening for emotion. This is part of what I taught in episode three, is that you're listening to understand how the other person is feeling. You're not just listening for the words they're trying to convey, but what's underneath that? Like what exactly are they trying to tell you and are you picking up on that? Number three, ask curious questions. When you don't understand or you want to go deeper, ask open-ended questions from a place of genuine curiosity, not interrogation. Instead of, why would you do that? Try, can you help me understand what led to that decision instead of, don't you care about my feelings? Try. I'm wondering how you perceived my reaction. This opens up the person to actually share, whereas the latter questions. Make the person want to shut down usually, especially if we're talking to a teenage girl. Number four, manage triggers in real time. Both mothers and daughters have communication triggers those phrases or tones that seem to initially shut down our ability to listen. When you notice yourself getting triggered, when a deep breath, remind yourself this is important information. Even if it's hard to hear, focus on understanding, not on formulating your response if needed, ask for a moment. Say something like. What you're saying matters to me, and I wanna make sure I can really hear it. Can I take a deep breath for a second before we continue? And number five, listen for needs, not just words. Often what sounds like criticism or control is actually an expression of an unmet need. Practice listening for the need beneath the words. When a mother says, you never call me, the need might be for connection or to feel important in her daughter's life. When the daughter says, stop telling me what to do. The need might be for autonomy and trust. Responding to underlying need can transform the conversation. It sounds like you're missing our connection. I missed that too. How can we create more meaningful time together? It sounds like you really want me to trust you in your decisions. How about we talk more about that and see if we can set up a better dynamic that allows for open communication and for you to make more decisions on your own? Now, I give a lot of examples in here to just help you start these conversations, but you have to find the words and the phrases that fit your communication style, that fit who you are and how you talk. I try to give professional ones because from there you can really. Change it up to who you are and actually make it more conversational. Don't just repeat what I'm saying if that does not fit the person that you are or even how you talk. As we wrap up today's episode on communication styles, I want to remind you that bridging communication gaps in mother-daughter relationships is ongoing work. It's not about perfection, but about creating increasing moments of genuine connection and understanding. Remember, beneath most communication struggles is a deep desire for connection. Your mother or daughter isn't trying to drive you crazy with her communication style. Maybe she is, I won't discount that, but she's using tools she knows to reach for connection, even if those tools seem foreign or ineffective to you. Each time you make the effort to truly listen, to check your understanding, to express yourself. With both honesty and compassion. You're not just improving one conversation, you're creating new patterns that can transform your relationship over time. If you found this episode helpful, I'd be so grateful if you'd share it with someone who might benefit. Remember, it's never too late to learn each other's language. Every relationship has its own unique dialect. The special combination of words, tones, and patterns that you and your mother or daughter create together. With patience and practice, you can develop a shared language that honors both of your needs. Now let's explore some practical exercises you can try with your mother or daughter to improve communication. So the first one, be like speaker listener techniques. This exercise creates safety for difficult conversation. So use an object like a pin as a talking stick. Only the person holding the object gets to speak. The listener cannot interrupt. Before the listener responds in the way that they desire to, they have to first make sure that they heard what the other person was saying properly. So I believe I heard you say this is that correct kind of statement. And make sure that you get a yes that's right before you go to respond. And that way you're slowing down responses. You're not being so reactive in this communication and you're giving somebody the chance to fully speak. Before they're interrupted with a rebuttal or with what you wanna say, may not be correct, or there may be a misunderstanding. They get to fully get their point across. They get to feel heard, and the listener's gonna make sure they heard what the speaker said appropriately, and then the listener can then become the speaker. So it slows down the conversation. And then make sure that everybody gets a chance to speak and to listen, and everyone gets to feel heard in this. The next one would be feelings and needs inventory. Sometimes we struggle to communicate because we don't have the vocabulary for our emotional experiences. So I want you to try this exercise. I want you to each create a list of feelings you commonly experience in your relationship. Use a feeling will if this is helpful. And then you want you to each create a list of needs that are important to you. Connection, autonomy, understanding, being trusted, these kind of things. And then you're gonna share this list with each other without judgment and use this shared vocabulary in future conversations. It can sound something like this. I'm feeling frustrated because my need for autonomy feels unmet. I'm feeling frustrated because right now I really need you to trust that I can make this decision for myself. And you're not doing that. You're trying to make the decision for me. The next one that can help would be communication style mapping. This exercise helps identify different communication patterns. So first together you're gonna create a list of topics you typically discuss, and then independently you write down how you prefer to communicate about each topic. Sort of like in person through text message, maybe through a journal over the phone instead. And then. Note your preferred timing for each conversation. Like having this conversation first thing in the morning is gonna ruin my entire day, or I'd rather get through my morning first, and then we can have this conversation around lunchtime kind of thing. And then you're gonna compare notes and look for comparisons to see where your styles are the same and where they differ. And then work to fill in the, and that way you guys can actually communicate in a way that makes the other person feel good and know where. You know what? I can bend on this one a little bit. I'm not firm on this style. I can bend to what you need and then vice versa. The next one. Would be appreciation practice difficult conversations go better in relationships with a strong foundation of positive communication. So first, set a weekly time for sharing appreciations or through, let's say you're using the journal method, actually write down appreciations or things you're proud of, or just something uplifting for the other person. Take turns sharing one specific thing you appreciate about each other. Be detailed and authentic, like I appreciate how you called to check on me. After my presentation, it made me feel supported and remembered. Really think about things that you're proud of or things that the other person did that made you feel good. Things that are gonna create a positive atmosphere between the two of you and actually practice sharing those with each other. As we wrap up today's episode on communication styles, I want to remind you that bridging communication gaps in the mother-daughter relationship is ongoing work. It's not about perfection, but about creating increasing moments of genuine connection and understanding. Remember. Beneath most communication struggles is a deep desire for connection. Each time you make the effort to truly listen, to check your understanding, to express yourself with both honesty and compassion. You're not just improving one conversation, you're creating new patterns that can transform your relationship over time. If you found this episode helpful, I'd be so grateful if you'd share it with someone who might benefit. Remember, it's never too late to learn about each other's language. Every relationship has its own unique dialect. A special combination of words, tones, and patterns that you and your mother or daughter can create. Together with patience and practice, you can develop a shared language that honors both your needs. That's all for today's episode of the Mother-Daughter Relationship Show. Thanks so much for spending this time with me. I hope you picked up some valuable insights that you can start using right away in your own relationship to create deeper connection and understanding. If something from today's episode resonated with you, don't keep it to yourself. Share it with the mother or daughter in your life who needs to hear this message. And while you're at it, please consider leaving a rating. And review so we can reach more families and transform the way mothers and daughters relate to each other. For those ready to take the next step, you can visit my website to learn more about my private coaching programs and my program designed specifically for mother-daughter pairs. Whether you're dealing with communication challenges, life transitions, or just wanna strengthen an already good relationship, I'm here to help. Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you in the next one.