Today I am going to talk about why men sabotage relationships and

how a man can shift this forever.

And when I say forever, I just have to mention this requires

incredible unshakeable commitment to growth, evolution and expansion.

The truth is many, many good men, men who are trying, men who want to

show up, keep sabotaging in their relationship with the feminine.

They keep sabotaging the very thing they desire the most: a woman who

trusts them, a woman who relies or leans on them, who feels they are

reliable, a woman who opens her heart at the deepest level to them.

Today we're going to go deep as always, and I'm going to get very practical

how sabotage shows up and how to shift it in the most powerful way.

Welcome to the Masculine and Feminine Dynamics Podcast.

My name is Lorin Krenn and I'm a coach, author, and hypnotherapist.

I help you to understand masculine and feminine dynamics.

Let's dive in.

I have worked with so many men, what in my one-on-one private practice or

in my men's groups, and so many men express that they want love, they

want a woman who is radiant, a woman who is devoted to the path of union.

They say they are ready to go deep, to be trusted, to be relied upon.

And while of course that is a true intention, at the same time, what

I've noticed is that then when a woman shows up, when a woman who has reached

a certain level of consciousness and who truly loves them, truthfully,

there is a sense of withdrawing, numbing out, shutting down, becoming

defensive in every tense moment in the relationship, desperately

needing to prove that they're right.

The inner boy becomes activated and starts running the show.

I see this a lot where men go I really want this, but then the inner

boy, the unresolved wounding, it's coming up in the relationship, and

it's coming up again and again.

And this can then lead for men to believe either she's not the one

and to keep moving to the next relationship and the next relationship.

Or they stay in the relationship, but always showing up

only at half their power.

Shutting down, hesitating, not initiating, not being decisive.

There is an element of hesitation.

There's an element of passivity.

There's an element of where they're just not showing up fully.

And here is the truth.

To get really practical, it's most likely not about her, and

it usually is a part that we're running away from within ourselves.

The withdrawing, the shutting down, the wanting to be right in the

argument, being highly triggered and emotionally reactive, our

little boy running the show, these are all signs of self sabotage.

Because all these behaviors, all these patterns, they limit you

from actually experiencing the intimacy and love that you desire.

Often we don't look at this behavior as self-sabotage, but if

you look at it, and self-sabotage is never done unconsciously.

No one is consciously, or in most cases, deliberately sabotaging a relationship.

No.

But this behavior is in direct contrast to the reality of what you want to

create and to the truth of who we are in our deepest core as men, because

our masculine energy is sacred, our masculine energy is immensely

potent and powerful and healing.

Now, what is the reason?

Why do we shut down?

Why do we pull away?

Why do we hesitate?

Why don't we show up fully?

Why do we show up in arguments and moments of tension that can cause

distrust, that cause pain, and then cause unsafety for the feminine?

What's the real reason?

The real reason 99.9% of the time is we actually don't believe that

we are worthy of being loved fully.

When I did not feel enough inside my heart, when my masculine energy,

who I am as a man was not enough, when I felt what I was doing in my

mission, in my business wasn't enough, then everything in my life became a

reflection of You are still not enough.

And yes, even when we as men meet the most wonderful conscious

woman, it doesn't mean that her love will make us feel whole.

But her love can transform us if deep down we tap into the energy

that we are enough as we are.

Because only then can we truly receive her love.

Look at it from this perspective.

If there is a deep belief in the subconscious that says I am not worthy

to be loved fully, then in the moment of receiving love, that part rather

than receiving it, rather than being receptive, rather than being nourished

by it, rather than being transformed by the medicine and beauty and wonder

of love, that part is blocking it.

Boom.

Imagine water that wants to flow into a cup, but there is a lead.

There is a lead, and it doesn't go in.

And it spills around and people go, what?

What is going on?

She's loving him, there's so much love, the water is everywhere,

but it's not entering the cup.

That's what self-sabotage is.

Self-sabotage is the lid that doesn't allow the water, the ocean, the well of

love to flow into the cup of your heart.

Very poetic.

But I wanted to use this metaphor to understand this at

a, at a more practical level.

And the fear is deep down, if she sees all of you, your fears, your flaws,

your unhealed shame, that won't be enough for her to stay, that that

won't be enough for her to truly be fulfilled in the relationship.

So there is a part inside that most likely preempts the rejection

before it can happen, even though there is no rejection.

But it becomes this self-fulfilling prophecy, self-sabotaging behavior,

because it's essentially there's a belief I'm not worthy of love and I

might get rejected anyway when she sees me for who I truly am because I feel

that all of who I am is, is not welcome, which often comes from unresolved trauma

or usually always comes from unresolved trauma, whether in childhood or in

adulthood, from challenging experiences.

And then we sabotage out of that.

We kind of, it becomes this self confirming, self-fulfilling

prophecy because when we sabotage, she cannot feel safe.

She cannot feel secure.

She cannot rely on us.

She cannot trust us fully.

And when she cannot feel fully safe and trust us fully, then she's naturally,

her heart is not gonna fully open.

And when her heart is not gonna feel, feel open fully, there's gonna be a

lot of challenges in the relationship.

And then these challenges are perceived as oc I'm not good enough.

I'm not worthy.

But it's not that you are not good enough in your core.

It's that your behavior, that our behavior is shitty, our behavior is

unconscious, our behavior is doing the exact opposite of what it is that

we want to create and experience.

So it's not that we are not enough, it's that our behavior

is causing distrust and unsafety, and that's a huge difference why.

Because it's not personal.

Behavior is behavior.

Yes, it's challenging to shift it, but it can be shifted.

We don't need to change, but we need to change our behavior.

We need to shift and work through the unworthiness we

hold, so many men hold within us.

We try to prove our worth to everyone in the relationship,

in our business when it comes to money, when it comes to everything.

But what we really deep down desire is to feel enough for who

we are as a man, our presence, our breath, our open, courageous,

loving, hard in our strong spine.

These are deeper aspects of who we are, aspects that cannot be taken away.

Aspects not determined or measured by success.

And funnily enough, it's also the reason why a woman who has

reached a certain level of healing and awakening will choose us.

She will choose us for this, our integrity, our open heart, all

the things I've just mentioned.

The second reason why we sabotage is because we are addicted to freedom.

We are addicted to freedom because we have never tasted true freedom.

We think freedom is having no one to answer to just doing whatever the

fuck you want, but that's not freedom.

That's called being a little Boy with no Responsibilities.

And when I use the terminology Little boy, I want you to know in

your heart that I'm not judging.

I'm simply speaking about these things in a no sugar coating in clear way, but

there is no fucking element of judgment or shame in my heart when I say this.

Because I have got a little boy, a little boy that has hurt deeply,

that was bullied, that went through so much hardship in his life, and

that little boy needs my love.

And with all the work I've done and all the work I continue to

do on my path of self mastery.

Sometimes I still need to tend to a little boy.

Sometimes a little boy gets a little bit activated when my wonderful wife

gives me a little mirror of a pattern I might have not fully looked at.

So when I say that, I just want you to know I'm speaking from

a place of service and love.

' Cause that little boy needs your love and he doesn't need any more shame.

What is real freedom as a man?

It's being able to stay when every part of you wants to run.

When every part of us wants to run and be like, oh my god, she's

exposing all these aspects, this is so hard, this is so challenging.

I don't feel free, and we can stay in the fire as true spiritual warriors?

That's freedom.

That is true freedom.

Because we're no longer bound by our unresolved trauma,

by our shadow, by our ego.

Now we're answering to the higher calling of our soul.

The third reason why we sabotage is because we often

mistake intimacy for danger.

Our nervous system has been wired for the challenging conditioning

and experiences to see closeness as a threat, and then we put her away

unconsciously, not because she's the wrong partner, but because she's

getting too close to the truth.

What truth?

The truth that we've been running away from ourselves, the truth that

we've suppressed our emotions, the truth that we feel unworthy, the

truth, that there is a little boy inside us hurting, in pain, and

we're trying to act like a powerful man, but that little boy needs us.

And she's getting close to that truth, and that's why it hurts.

That's why we want to run so much.

She's exposing that truth.

But intimacy and closeness is not danger.

It's only danger when we run, want to run away from ourselves,

and it can become liberation if we're willing to stay in the fire.

And stay present with all that arises.

Reason number four, why we self-sabotage is that we have

often built, unconsciously, always, an identity around being

alone or not needing anyone.

The lone wolf syndrome, right?

We have worn independence like an armor, but independence is

isolation, it's not strength.

That's why the men's groups I host one of the many reasons they are

so powerful and life-changing.

Transformations take place, men forge deep brotherhoods.

Men are witnessed and seen by other men.

And that in itself is an act of deep healing because it makes us realize

we are allowed to ask for help.

We are allowed to suffer and to struggle and to need the

support of a group mentor.

And it doesn't mean we're not good enough.

It means we are warrior king, but also man struggling.

Working through our trauma in this life.

And reason number five, before I dive into how we can shift it in the most

powerful way, reason number five is we don't know yet how to lead emotionally.

When she opens her heart, we get anxious rather than lean in.

When she's feeling deeply and expressing her emotions, rather than

being present, holding space, we shut down, because we've never been

shown how to be with the emotional intensity, beautiful intensity of the

feminine, without losing our edge, without losing our masculine center.

The moment the emotion comes, we lose the center.

One of my recent, posts says the strongest man is not the loudest

or most dominant, it's the one with the regulated nervous system.

Because the man who is continuously learning to lean in, be with challenging

emotions, is the strongest fucking spiritual warrior in this world.

The reason why is because everyone can put on a display of dominance and

strength, but not everyone can actually embody this consistently and ground

themselves again and again and again.

That's the path of self-mastery.

Let's talk about the shift.

How can we as men, shift this and change this forever?

No fluff, no vague bullshit.

Just real tools, real practical steps we can take.

Number one is owning it all.

When we own it all, we stop blaming women.

We stop blaming timing.

We stop blaming circumstances.

We start to own that we have got a pattern of self sabotage, and we

also own that it's our responsibility and our duty to break free.

This is the first step.

Without that level of ownership, we'll be like, ah, she wasn't

right, ah, this, ah, no, I'ma, no.

Fuck that.

So when we start to own that we've got a pattern of self-sabotage.

We stop blaming and we start shifting.

We start going within.

Number two, we need to train our nervous system for intimacy because

our nervous system is not ready in many cases for the intensity of intimacy,

specifically with a woman who is embodying her awakened feminine energy.

And we can start small, small, but it's a big act.

Stay when you want to run.

Breathe deeply and remain present when a part of you wants to shut down.

Learn to be with the discomfort without fixing, or fleeing or shutting down.

Instead, create a practice, a masculine embodiment practice.

I teach these in my men's groups and to my one-on-one clients,

a really powerful, masculine embodiment practice that allows

you to face these uncomfortable emotions again and again and again.

And in this practice, you are doing the process of alchemy.

You're alchemizing and shifting this energy, and it starts to

become your power, your strength, your masculine embodiment.

Number three, speak the things before it becomes the sabotage.

We often believe that this level of vulnerability with the

feminine will make us look weak.

And while I'm not advocating for whiny complaining vulnerability,

which is not vulnerability, it's still an element of projection.

I am talking about vulnerability coupled with full masculine ownership.

For instance, I feel like running right now, but I'm going to stay in the fire.

I don't know how to hold the intensity of this experience right now, but I'm

staying, I'm not going on anywhere.

Can you feel the power of this?

That's not complaining, projecting.

That's a powerful vulnerability and that is real, and I call it

sometimes warriorship vulnerability or masculine vulnerability.

Number four, choose devotion over dopamine.

This shift from the addiction to the sensation, the instant gratification,

into commitment to transformation.

What do I mean by that?

Notice during the day how you are escaping, running

and fleeing from stillness.

You are going for a walk with your dog, watching on your

phone, listening to something, no presence, no intentionality.

You are eating foods, you're watching something scrolling on your

phone, you're not even tasting it.

I like to sometimes say the feminine has a different perception of time.

And of course, um, this is humor.

We all have our strengths and our certain weaknesses.

And let's just put it that way.

it's not always easy for my wife to be fully structured

when it comes to timings.

That's why I'm here as the masculine, not being overly intense

around it, but giving her powerful nudges in the sense of baby, we

need to get ready by this time.

We have X amount of time to get ready.

Because my wife, when she hears 10 minutes, she hears

something else than me.

It's always, it's fun that, and I really mean this from a loving heart.

There's no judgment here, but sometimes I like to say the more feminine a

woman is, the less she has the sense of structure around time that we as

men often will have, but of course, that's not black and white and it's

one of the ways I can, I can hold a, a masculine frame in our relationship,

creating deep polarity and intimacy.

But these moments when you are waiting.

Waiting for her to get ready.

Waiting for your dog to have a poo.

Who knows?

In these moments, are you escaping or are you embracing stillness?

This is something you have to train yourself at to be with stillness, to

train your mind, nervous system, heart, body, soul, to be with stillness.

No distraction, just stillness.

Let's do this 20 second stillness.

Just 20 seconds.

And I can already feel myself dropping deeper.

And now imagine this becomes a consistent practice.

One minute, two minute, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, whatever it is where

you're not escaping, but instead you're going into the stillness.

Your presence sharpens, you've got more energy.

A higher consciousness or your divine masculine energy is able to work

through you and be embodied through you, because you are grounded,

you are connected to spirit.

And this is becoming something that is more prevalent and more

important than ever before because the distractions keep increasing.

For the first time in human history, we have a comfort issue.

Before everything we did to create more comfort led to better

health or made life better.

But today we've got an excessive amount of comfort and a complete escaping

from any discomfort, which is actually making us weaker, slower, fatter.

We're losing our edge, we're escaping, we're running, and there is always

something that we can escape into.

But that's not alive.

That's called death.

In fact, actually it's worse than death because it's the

process of never being alive.

You don't want to become a dopamine junkie, and literally

it is one of the hardest things, but you gotta train yourself.

This is the work behind the scenes.

No one is gonna applaud for you.

No one will check this.

Only you can check it.

But when you look into the mirror, you know whether you are

bullshitting yourself, addicted to the dopamine, hit all the time,

or you are entering stillness.

It's hard.

You'll fail again and again and again, but you'll return

again and again and again.

That's the warrior's approach.

No one is perfect, but I've got a lot of respect if that is something

you do behind the scenes, ' cause that is real masculine warriorship.

The moment you stop running is the moment you become the man

a woman has been praying for.

Not because you are perfect, but because you are here, you are present,

you are rooted, you remain in a fire even if you're shaking, but you're

not allowing this to make you tremble, collapse, run, fix, flee, shut down.

You're staying in the intensity.

This is how you shift it.

This is how you move from self-sabotage to allowing your intention and

desire for the relationship.

You want to be in full alignment with your daily actions, daily

behavior, level of consciousness, level of intentionality, and level of

presence, and your level of devotion.

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