Hello Listeners, February 20, 2025 - Social Skills Coaching: Where you become more likable, charismatic, and productive.
Today's episode is from the book titled "Become A Human Behavior Scientist" by Patrick King, available on Amazon with an audiobook version on Amazon, iTunes, and Audible.
Learn more at bitlyPKConsulting.
In today's episode, we dive into Chapter 2: Underneath the Surface - A Glimpse Beneath the Mask.
In this chapter, you'll discover how to become a student and scientist of body language, mannerisms, and small tells.
Patrick King teaches you the art of reading people, allowing you to know what people are thinking without them saying a word and even predict their behavioral patterns.
This book goes beyond surface-level observations and lies, delving into the habits, tics, and ways of thinking that reveal someone's intentions, personality, background, and goals.
People give out signs all the time; you just have to know what to look for.
The book combines behavioral psychology with superior observational skills honed from years of experience, rooted in science.
Join us as we explore the true meaning of emotional and social intelligence and uncover the topics covered in this fascinating chapter.
Get ready to become a human behavior scientist yourself and unlock the hidden potential within you and others.
You can find "Become A Human Behavior Scientist" on Amazon
Chapter 2.
Underneath the Surface
Deciphering body language is a great way to get a read on a situation as it unfolds in the here and now .
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but what if you want to learn a little more about the person in front of you?
We are all so much more than our reactions in this or that situation.
After all, is it possible for anyone to get a one hundred percent accurate read on you merely by spending a few moments reading your body language?
Chances are you don’t know yourself that well!
We’ve spoken about the importance of context when reading people—nobody exists in a vacuum.
Instead, we learn about others by noting how they respond to their environment, the way they bounce off others, how they react or fail to react, and what their relationships are like (when it comes down to it, what is a personality other than your unique relationship with reality?).
People are complex.
They take on different roles depending on the situation they find themselves in.
They also change over time—who you were at five years old is very different from who you are now (one would hope!).
Sometimes we can really see someone’s “true colors” not when everything is neat and easy, but rather in a time of crisis.
Think of it this way: under normal, non-challenging circumstances, it’s easy for people to perform.
They can put on a face, and they can show others what they want them to see.
It’s easier to wear a mask (i.e., follow those culture rules about primary emotional expression) when the stakes are low.
A Glimpse Beneath the Mask
Dial up the tension, introduce a problem, or increase stress and then you’re more likely to see what people are really like underneath the masks and roles.
Research done by Ian Krajbich and associates at the Ohio State University and Zhejiang University in China concluded that when people playing a game were put under pressure, they made decisions according to their most fundamental disposition.
In this case, participants behaved either selfishly or pro-socially.
The researchers found that when people were given enough time, they were able to think things through and go against selfish knee-jerk reactions.
But something about stressful situations brought out their more primal, raw instincts—those “true colors.”
Does the way we behave under duress show what we’re really like as people?
Well, it might give some useful hints.
Stress affects people’s personalities, but the way it impacts individuals often comes down to their own innate dispositions.
Or personalities are probably ingrained in us, and when the chips are down, we default to our most automatic and habitual responses.
While this can give us a glimpse into our deepest characteristics, it’s also true that most people are able to think rationally and pro-socially if not under pressure—and that’s a big part of our identities, too.
Noticing how people behave under pressure has always been a stealthy way to see what’s underneath people’s polished, civilized exteriors.
The 2014 French movie Force Majeure explored this concept in an interesting way.
During a sudden avalanche at a ski resort, a father behaves in a surprising way: he runs away in fear from the threat, immediately abandoning his wife and children in the moment.
His wife, however, remains behind, shielding their two children.
In the aftermath, their relationship is strained—did the father’s behavior signal what he really thought about his family and where his loyalties actually lie when it is crunch time?
An obvious way to instigate a little pressure is to play a game with friendly competition.
Ramp up tension by adding an element of competition or a time limit.
Play monopoly or do a competitive sport that gets the blood pumping and the primal instincts switched on.
Then simply watch to see how people respond under this mild “threat.” Are they calm, good-humored, and cooperative?
That’s probably a good indication of how you can always expect them to act.
Are they “sore-losers” who have a temper, blame others, get sulky and defensive, or refuse to play unless they can win?
This tells you something about their fundamental identities and ingrained personalities.
Another useful “test” is to observe how people respond to not getting their way.
Anyone can be charming, polite, and calm when things are working well for them.
But pay close attention to how someone responds when you politely say no to their request.
Their reaction tells you a lot about their underlying self-concept, their core beliefs, and their attitude to others.
Common dating advice is to ignore the way your date is treating you and instead notice how they are treating people who they are not incentivized to be nice to, such as wait staff.
If they are sweet and kind to you but rude and dismissive of waiters, assume that the rudeness is probably closer to their true form than the politeness.
It’s true that everyone can act regrettably under pressure or say and do things they don’t really mean in the heat of the moment.
Nevertheless, what you observe when people are in compromised positions is probably closer to their real selves than the picture you see when everything is fine, and they are able to present the front they most want you to see.
Notice how people behave when they are drunk or inebriated, how they behave when lost or frightened, how they behave when sick and vulnerable, or how they treat others who they perceive to be in an inferior position to them.
Notice how a person reacts when they are insulted or wronged, and also what they do when they are in the wrong or have made a mistake.
Set a boundary and notice how they respond to it.
What you see is not the entirety of their personality but combined with the nicer sides of themselves they choose to show you, it probably gives a fuller impression of who the really are!
Again, we come back to the question of primary and secondary emotions, or rather, the real self versus the self that we deliberately and consciously convey to others.
Stress and pressure can force what’s under the surface to come out and be seen, but there are many other (slightly sneaky) ways to peek at someone’s truer nature underneath what they’d like to broadcast to others.
Tip 1: Observe their other relationships
Not just friends and family, but work colleagues, bosses, spouses, ex-partners, “enemies,” and random neighbors.
Something to remember: what we observe is not the person themselves but the person as they are in our company.
We only ever get that perspective since we may only ever elicit certain behaviors from them.
The easiest way to see a fuller picture of them is to watch how they are in other people’s company.
Example: You feel let down by a close friend who has abandoned you in a time of need.
You feel like you don’t even know them.
But you might have guessed at this side of them if you paid attention to their other relationships, and the fact they repeatedly dismiss their family obligations, too, or leave close friends hanging just because it’s inconvenient for them to help.
Tip 2: Notice how they argue
It’s not necessary to fight with a person to see what they’re made of!
But you can tell a lot about someone by their response to your disagreement.
See how they deal with differences of opinion.
You might think that someone is the picture of tolerance and open-mindedness—until you have the nerve to think differently from them!
The way they handle an argument will tell you loads about how they handle conflict in life in general.
Example: You might be getting to know a new friend when you suddenly realize you have quite different political leanings.
One day, you disagree with them on something you both see in the news.
They don’t skip a beat but laugh about it and carry on like nothing has happened.
You’re impressed—this is a person who values harmony, connection, and human relationships more than being right!
Tip 3: Change up your role
Many people only show their true colors when people around them no longer follow the roles they normally do.
You might find this out accidentally if you change dramatically for whatever reason.
You may see a very different side of a person when you behave in ways they didn’t expect or anticipate.
Example: You lose a ton of weight, and your friends, who have always treated you with compassion, are suddenly acting cold.
Why?
Your role in their life (i.e., as an overweight person) is no longer the same.
They were able to treat you kindly only when you followed a certain script.
Now that you have improved your life and lost the weight, they show their true colors—their kindness was predicated on you never being better than them.
Tip 4: Listen to how they talk about adversity
You can learn a lot about someone by listening to the way they talk about the bad parts of their lives—or even what they consider bad in the first place.
Listen carefully to how they frame past situations and difficulties.
Are they always the victim?
Are they able to take responsibility and learn from hardships?
Do they tend to blame and complain?
Do they continually define themselves in relation to childhood trauma or events out of their control?
Is their attitude in general one of optimism or apathy?
Noticing how they have squared away these negative experiences tells you how they might continue to do so in future.
If you start working for a person who claims that every single one of their previous employees was crazy, you can guarantee that in time they’ll think the same of you!
And if a new friend tells you that everyone is always mean to them, chances are they are actually the common denominator.
Just as with reading body language, we look for patterns, context clues, and deviation from a baseline.
Observing someone when they’re stressed or in an unfamiliar situation can tell you a lot—but be wary of making sweeping interpretations with small amounts of data.
Our unconscious and knee-jerk reactions speak to our true nature, but how we choose to respond to these knee-jerk reactions matters too.
For example, if someone was a complete jerk during a heated moment but has never been a jerk before and immediately apologizes, their willingness to take responsibility for their behavior says more about their character than that single outburst.
• Analyzing behavior and body language in the moment can be insightful, but there are ways to get a read on a person’s longer-term character: a stealthy way to see people’s “true colors” is to watch how they behave under stress or pressure.
This will reveal their primary emotions and unedited selves.
• You can also study people’s genuine personalities by observing their other relationships, their reaction to boundaries or being told no, their reaction to failure or adversity, how they treat arguments or disagreements, or what they do when you change your role in the dynamic.
Again, you are looking for long-term patterns and deviation from a norm, as well as keeping in mind context and your own bias.
So, my fellow students of human behavior, what will you do with this knowledge?
Will you use it to become a better friend, partner, or colleague?
Perhaps you'll apply these insights in your professional life, to negotiate more effectively, influence others, or read through the facade that people often present.
Maybe you'll simply use this understanding to be more empathetic and compassionate, to see the struggles and triumphs of those around you.
Or perhaps you'll become a better observer of the world, aware of the subtle cues and signals that color our daily interactions.
Whatever path you choose, remember: becoming a human behavior scientist is not about controlling or manipulating others.
It's not about using this knowledge for personal gain or to take advantage of anyone.
Instead, it's an invitation to truly see and understand your fellow humans, with all their flaws and strengths.
And so, my call to action for you today is this: start practicing these skills, right now.
Begin observing the people around you - in your workplace, your social circles, even in public spaces - and try to read between the lines of their words and actions.
Look for patterns and consistencies that reveal their true selves.
But always remember to do so with empathy, respect, and an open heart.
For at our core, we are all just trying to navigate this complex world as best we can.
By understanding each other, we can bridge divides, build stronger communities, and create a more compassionate society.
So let us embark on this journey together, my friends.
Let us become masters of human behavior and use that knowledge not for ourselves, but for the betterment of all.
The power to read people lies within your grasp - now go forth and make a difference in this world.