1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:17,200 Hello Listeners, February 20, 2025 - Social Skills Coaching: Where you become more likable, charismatic, and productive. 2 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:28,840 Today's episode is from the book titled "Become A Human Behavior Scientist" by Patrick King, available on Amazon with an audiobook version on Amazon, iTunes, and Audible. 3 00:00:28,840 --> 00:00:34,360 Learn more at bitlyPKConsulting. 4 00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:40,800 In today's episode, we dive into Chapter 2: Underneath the Surface - A Glimpse Beneath the Mask. 5 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:50,240 In this chapter, you'll discover how to become a student and scientist of body language, mannerisms, and small tells. 6 00:00:50,240 --> 00:01:03,280 Patrick King teaches you the art of reading people, allowing you to know what people are thinking without them saying a word and even predict their behavioral patterns. 7 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:17,880 This book goes beyond surface-level observations and lies, delving into the habits, tics, and ways of thinking that reveal someone's intentions, personality, background, and goals. 8 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:21,720 People give out signs all the time; you just have to know what to look for. 9 00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:31,960 The book combines behavioral psychology with superior observational skills honed from years of experience, rooted in science. 10 00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:42,000 Join us as we explore the true meaning of emotional and social intelligence and uncover the topics covered in this fascinating chapter. 11 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:47,320 Get ready to become a human behavior scientist yourself and unlock the hidden potential within you and others. 12 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:52,560 You can find "Become A Human Behavior Scientist" on Amazon 13 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:53,160 Chapter 2. 14 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:54,000 Underneath the Surface 15 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:54,000 16 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:54,000 17 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:54,000 18 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:54,000 19 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:54,040 20 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:54,040 21 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:57,960 Deciphering body language is a great way to get a read on a situation as it unfolds in the here and now . 22 00:01:57,960 --> 00:01:58,840 . 23 00:01:58,840 --> 00:01:58,840 . 24 00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:02,560 but what if you want to learn a little more about the person in front of you? 25 00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:08,000 We are all so much more than our reactions in this or that situation. 26 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:16,320 After all, is it possible for anyone to get a one hundred percent accurate read on you merely by spending a few moments reading your body language? 27 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:20,840 Chances are you don’t know yourself that well! 28 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:26,640 We’ve spoken about the importance of context when reading people—nobody exists in a vacuum. 29 00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:46,040 Instead, we learn about others by noting how they respond to their environment, the way they bounce off others, how they react or fail to react, and what their relationships are like (when it comes down to it, what is a personality other than your unique relationship with reality?). 30 00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:47,680 People are complex. 31 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:51,960 They take on different roles depending on the situation they find themselves in. 32 00:02:51,960 --> 00:03:01,280 They also change over time—who you were at five years old is very different from who you are now (one would hope!). 33 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:08,960 Sometimes we can really see someone’s “true colors” not when everything is neat and easy, but rather in a time of crisis. 34 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:14,800 Think of it this way: under normal, non-challenging circumstances, it’s easy for people to perform. 35 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:19,280 They can put on a face, and they can show others what they want them to see. 36 00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:29,240 It’s easier to wear a mask (i.e., follow those culture rules about primary emotional expression) when the stakes are low. 37 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:32,640 A Glimpse Beneath the Mask 38 00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:43,400 Dial up the tension, introduce a problem, or increase stress and then you’re more likely to see what people are really like underneath the masks and roles. 39 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:59,280 Research done by Ian Krajbich and associates at the Ohio State University and Zhejiang University in China concluded that when people playing a game were put under pressure, they made decisions according to their most fundamental disposition. 40 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:05,040 In this case, participants behaved either selfishly or pro-socially. 41 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:14,480 The researchers found that when people were given enough time, they were able to think things through and go against selfish knee-jerk reactions. 42 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:23,440 But something about stressful situations brought out their more primal, raw instincts—those “true colors.” 43 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:28,280 Does the way we behave under duress show what we’re really like as people? 44 00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:32,240 Well, it might give some useful hints. 45 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:41,080 Stress affects people’s personalities, but the way it impacts individuals often comes down to their own innate dispositions. 46 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:49,240 Or personalities are probably ingrained in us, and when the chips are down, we default to our most automatic and habitual responses. 47 00:04:49,240 --> 00:05:03,040 While this can give us a glimpse into our deepest characteristics, it’s also true that most people are able to think rationally and pro-socially if not under pressure—and that’s a big part of our identities, too. 48 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:12,400 Noticing how people behave under pressure has always been a stealthy way to see what’s underneath people’s polished, civilized exteriors. 49 00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:19,120 The 2014 French movie Force Majeure explored this concept in an interesting way. 50 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:30,480 During a sudden avalanche at a ski resort, a father behaves in a surprising way: he runs away in fear from the threat, immediately abandoning his wife and children in the moment. 51 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:34,800 His wife, however, remains behind, shielding their two children. 52 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:47,200 In the aftermath, their relationship is strained—did the father’s behavior signal what he really thought about his family and where his loyalties actually lie when it is crunch time? 53 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:53,600 An obvious way to instigate a little pressure is to play a game with friendly competition. 54 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:57,400 Ramp up tension by adding an element of competition or a time limit. 55 00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:05,320 Play monopoly or do a competitive sport that gets the blood pumping and the primal instincts switched on. 56 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:13,800 Then simply watch to see how people respond under this mild “threat.” Are they calm, good-humored, and cooperative? 57 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:18,520 That’s probably a good indication of how you can always expect them to act. 58 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:26,280 Are they “sore-losers” who have a temper, blame others, get sulky and defensive, or refuse to play unless they can win? 59 00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:32,600 This tells you something about their fundamental identities and ingrained personalities. 60 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:38,800 Another useful “test” is to observe how people respond to not getting their way. 61 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:43,040 Anyone can be charming, polite, and calm when things are working well for them. 62 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:49,640 But pay close attention to how someone responds when you politely say no to their request. 63 00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:56,240 Their reaction tells you a lot about their underlying self-concept, their core beliefs, and their attitude to others. 64 00:06:56,240 --> 00:07:08,520 Common dating advice is to ignore the way your date is treating you and instead notice how they are treating people who they are not incentivized to be nice to, such as wait staff. 65 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:19,160 If they are sweet and kind to you but rude and dismissive of waiters, assume that the rudeness is probably closer to their true form than the politeness. 66 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:26,160 It’s true that everyone can act regrettably under pressure or say and do things they don’t really mean in the heat of the moment. 67 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:41,600 Nevertheless, what you observe when people are in compromised positions is probably closer to their real selves than the picture you see when everything is fine, and they are able to present the front they most want you to see. 68 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:56,840 Notice how people behave when they are drunk or inebriated, how they behave when lost or frightened, how they behave when sick and vulnerable, or how they treat others who they perceive to be in an inferior position to them. 69 00:07:56,840 --> 00:08:06,040 Notice how a person reacts when they are insulted or wronged, and also what they do when they are in the wrong or have made a mistake. 70 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:09,240 Set a boundary and notice how they respond to it. 71 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:21,880 What you see is not the entirety of their personality but combined with the nicer sides of themselves they choose to show you, it probably gives a fuller impression of who the really are! 72 00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:32,360 Again, we come back to the question of primary and secondary emotions, or rather, the real self versus the self that we deliberately and consciously convey to others. 73 00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:46,080 Stress and pressure can force what’s under the surface to come out and be seen, but there are many other (slightly sneaky) ways to peek at someone’s truer nature underneath what they’d like to broadcast to others. 74 00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:51,520 Tip 1: Observe their other relationships 75 00:08:51,520 --> 00:09:00,400 Not just friends and family, but work colleagues, bosses, spouses, ex-partners, “enemies,” and random neighbors. 76 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:07,720 Something to remember: what we observe is not the person themselves but the person as they are in our company. 77 00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:12,560 We only ever get that perspective since we may only ever elicit certain behaviors from them. 78 00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:19,840 The easiest way to see a fuller picture of them is to watch how they are in other people’s company. 79 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:25,720 Example: You feel let down by a close friend who has abandoned you in a time of need. 80 00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:27,680 You feel like you don’t even know them. 81 00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:42,120 But you might have guessed at this side of them if you paid attention to their other relationships, and the fact they repeatedly dismiss their family obligations, too, or leave close friends hanging just because it’s inconvenient for them to help. 82 00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:48,080 Tip 2: Notice how they argue 83 00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:51,800 It’s not necessary to fight with a person to see what they’re made of! 84 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:56,200 But you can tell a lot about someone by their response to your disagreement. 85 00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,800 See how they deal with differences of opinion. 86 00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:08,280 You might think that someone is the picture of tolerance and open-mindedness—until you have the nerve to think differently from them! 87 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:14,960 The way they handle an argument will tell you loads about how they handle conflict in life in general. 88 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:22,480 Example: You might be getting to know a new friend when you suddenly realize you have quite different political leanings. 89 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:26,800 One day, you disagree with them on something you both see in the news. 90 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:32,680 They don’t skip a beat but laugh about it and carry on like nothing has happened. 91 00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:39,400 You’re impressed—this is a person who values harmony, connection, and human relationships more than being right! 92 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:43,800 Tip 3: Change up your role 93 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:52,560 Many people only show their true colors when people around them no longer follow the roles they normally do. 94 00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:57,120 You might find this out accidentally if you change dramatically for whatever reason. 95 00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:03,160 You may see a very different side of a person when you behave in ways they didn’t expect or anticipate. 96 00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:11,240 Example: You lose a ton of weight, and your friends, who have always treated you with compassion, are suddenly acting cold. 97 00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:12,400 Why? 98 00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:18,840 Your role in their life (i.e., as an overweight person) is no longer the same. 99 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:23,760 They were able to treat you kindly only when you followed a certain script. 100 00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:34,280 Now that you have improved your life and lost the weight, they show their true colors—their kindness was predicated on you never being better than them. 101 00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:42,360 Tip 4: Listen to how they talk about adversity 102 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:51,040 You can learn a lot about someone by listening to the way they talk about the bad parts of their lives—or even what they consider bad in the first place. 103 00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:56,440 Listen carefully to how they frame past situations and difficulties. 104 00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,360 Are they always the victim? 105 00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:02,360 Are they able to take responsibility and learn from hardships? 106 00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,480 Do they tend to blame and complain? 107 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:11,360 Do they continually define themselves in relation to childhood trauma or events out of their control? 108 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:18,400 Is their attitude in general one of optimism or apathy? 109 00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:24,680 Noticing how they have squared away these negative experiences tells you how they might continue to do so in future. 110 00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:35,240 If you start working for a person who claims that every single one of their previous employees was crazy, you can guarantee that in time they’ll think the same of you! 111 00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:42,520 And if a new friend tells you that everyone is always mean to them, chances are they are actually the common denominator. 112 00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:50,440 Just as with reading body language, we look for patterns, context clues, and deviation from a baseline. 113 00:12:50,440 --> 00:13:03,080 Observing someone when they’re stressed or in an unfamiliar situation can tell you a lot—but be wary of making sweeping interpretations with small amounts of data. 114 00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:12,080 Our unconscious and knee-jerk reactions speak to our true nature, but how we choose to respond to these knee-jerk reactions matters too. 115 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:19,320 For example, if someone was a complete jerk during a heated moment but has never been a jerk before and immediately apologizes, their willingness to take responsibility for their behavior says more about their character than that single outburst. 116 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:24,200 • Analyzing behavior and body language in the moment can be insightful, but there are ways to get a read on a person’s longer-term character: a stealthy way to see people’s “true colors” is to watch how they behave under stress or pressure. 117 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:26,200 This will reveal their primary emotions and unedited selves. 118 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:38,880 • You can also study people’s genuine personalities by observing their other relationships, their reaction to boundaries or being told no, their reaction to failure or adversity, how they treat arguments or disagreements, or what they do when you change your role in the dynamic. 119 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:44,960 Again, you are looking for long-term patterns and deviation from a norm, as well as keeping in mind context and your own bias. 120 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:47,240 So, my fellow students of human behavior, what will you do with this knowledge? 121 00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:49,880 Will you use it to become a better friend, partner, or colleague? 122 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:55,600 Perhaps you'll apply these insights in your professional life, to negotiate more effectively, influence others, or read through the facade that people often present. 123 00:13:55,600 --> 00:14:02,280 Maybe you'll simply use this understanding to be more empathetic and compassionate, to see the struggles and triumphs of those around you. 124 00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:11,640 Or perhaps you'll become a better observer of the world, aware of the subtle cues and signals that color our daily interactions. 125 00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:19,440 Whatever path you choose, remember: becoming a human behavior scientist is not about controlling or manipulating others. 126 00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:24,960 It's not about using this knowledge for personal gain or to take advantage of anyone. 127 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:33,080 Instead, it's an invitation to truly see and understand your fellow humans, with all their flaws and strengths. 128 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:41,120 And so, my call to action for you today is this: start practicing these skills, right now. 129 00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:51,520 Begin observing the people around you - in your workplace, your social circles, even in public spaces - and try to read between the lines of their words and actions. 130 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:56,560 Look for patterns and consistencies that reveal their true selves. 131 00:14:56,560 --> 00:15:00,680 But always remember to do so with empathy, respect, and an open heart. 132 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:06,840 For at our core, we are all just trying to navigate this complex world as best we can. 133 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:14,840 By understanding each other, we can bridge divides, build stronger communities, and create a more compassionate society. 134 00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:18,040 So let us embark on this journey together, my friends. 135 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:26,560 Let us become masters of human behavior and use that knowledge not for ourselves, but for the betterment of all. 136 00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:36,560 The power to read people lies within your grasp - now go forth and make a difference in this world.