Hello, happiness seekers.

Welcome back to the Happiness Challenge.

I'm Claudia Mitura, your host, and I test drive the best happiness hacks that science has on offer.

In the episode 156, braving the hard Talks, I spoke with Chris Wong, an executive coach.

And together we have explored one of the most challenging, yet transformative aspects of any relationship.

Hard talks, difficult conversations.

So in this short episode 157, Building Bridges, I'm going to summarize the key research on difficult conversations and also the tips shared by Chris so that you have a guide to help you navigate tough conversations.

Let's dive in.

So, first of all, we really need to understand that difficult conversations really matter.

They strengthen trust, they resolve underlying issues.

They create more emotional connection.

And without difficult conversations, we really operate within something researchers call artificial harmony.

Yes, it feels nice and easy, but it's not authentic bond.

Because frankly, no matter how successful and happy relationships we have, there ought to be a moment that they are disagreements and that we need to have that hard talk.

And I always really reflect on the moment when we ought to have that difficult conversation.

And there are three signs that I find quite useful of deciding whether we I need to have that difficult conversation with someone.

And these are the following.

First of all, avoiding the person.

So yes, it might be valid in certain contexts, but overall, if we care about the person, we shouldn't be avoiding them.

So if we find that we're limiting contact with someone, we are avoiding the person, we definitely should be thinking, okay, maybe it's the time to have that difficult conversation.

Sign number two is about avoiding the topic.

So this is the classic situation when we are in conversations with people and clearly we feel we know that there is elephant in the room and no one wants to bring it up again.

In those situations, we really need to be thinking, okay, I might need to be courageous to have that difficult conversation.

And sign number three is about resenting the person.

We might be experiencing a range of all the other emotions.

We might be upset by the person, disappointed, angry.

We might be even having imaginary conversations with that person in our head.

I definitely done that before.

It is a clear sign that having the actual difficult conversation might be a first step towards a healing journey for us.

Now, of course, in all those three signs, we need to put energy, time and effort into that difficult conversation.

So as Chris Wong mentioned in the previous episode, we need to care enough about the person to go through this.

So that's why, as a first step of deciding whether to have a difficult conversation is to ask, why is this Important to me why this matter?

And once we know that answer, we can then move into preparing for that difficult conversation.

Now, if you are preparing for a difficult conversation or considering having one, there is some good news.

That is, researchers show that these tend to go better than expected.

We have a fantastic study here by Nicholas Epley and his colleagues.

And they have explored something they called constructive confrontations.

So where individuals address relationship concerns openly with the aim to resolving issues.

Their experiments involved romantic partners, flatmates, strangers.

And those people were asked to discuss sensitive topics such as political disagreements, sleeping habits, miscommunications, feeling disconnected, lack of sense of intimacy.

So really tricky, very intimate personal topics.

And the researchers found that people generally underestimated how positive these conversations will go.

So, for example, participants anticipated anger or feeling awkward, but often experienced understanding, collaboration, and manage to build more trust and strengthen their relationship with another person.

So we may pause for a moment and think, okay, why is that?

Why do we tend to underestimate the positive impact the difficult conversation will have for us?

And I guess the reason for those outcomes lie in human social dynamics and really misjudgments, because we tend to imagine worst case scenario and often that worst case scenario is influenced by our past negative experiences, which often overshadow the likelihood of positive interactions.

So when I think about it personally, of course I remember the difficult conversations I had that went badly for whatever reason, by a completely blank out, any difficult conversations that are, that went well because frankly, they went well, the relation became stronger.

So I don't even now remember that I had that conversation.

So it's really important to understand that, that we do tend to remember the difficult conversations that maybe didn't go according to the plan and therefore underestimate how well any future difficult conversations may go.

Now, in the research, it was very clear that those difficult topics led to more positive outcomes than expected.

But there were two conditions, provided the conversations were face to face and they were approached with constructive intentions.

Face to face conversations had lots of social cues like smiling, nods, verbal affirmations, and that was fostering lots of connection in digital interactions as texting, social media.

Unfortunately, we do not have those cues and therefore these are prone to more misunderstandings.

And the constructive intentions, again, that was all about the fact that the people came to the those conversations wanting to solve them.

And they had that intention of I care about you, I'm expressing my feelings, but ultimately I'm here to solve this.

And having that intention from the start led to much better outcomes.

And his colleagues very much stressed that avoiding tough conversations denies Individuals the opportunity to learn and grow, and very much when we engage in them, we can reduce the tensions, improve relationships, and promote that mutual understanding.

And I often say that, especially at work, giving other people feedback is definitely data for development, but also clarity is kindness and that's what we need to be concentrating on.

So this month I dare you to have one difficult conversation you have been postponing and I would love you to incorporate the following principles.

So those are the top tips for navigating tough conversations.

So first of all, start with clarity and positivity.

So very much begin the conversation by clearly stating what do you want to talk about and why?

So rather than the dreaded phrase we need to talk, which creates lots of anxiety, simply say, I really want us to talk about X, Y and Z and I really know we can figure out this thing together.

Also, starting with gratitude, such as thanking for the person to agreeing to talk to us can set that positive tone and show respect for their willingness to engage.

Number two, set ground rules.

So establish some boundaries for the conversation to ensure that it remains respectful and productive.

It can be as simple as agreeing to speak openly and honestly, but also maybe agreeing that, okay, we can take a break if the emotions run high and ground rules really provide us like a safety net if the discussion veers off and also allows us to pause and reset.

Tip number three is prepare yourself emotionally.

Difficult conversations will be emotional, so identify your emotional triggers and plan how you're going to stay calm during the conversation.

It might be that you want to use any mindfulness techniques, whatever it is, but it's very much having a plan.

Okay, if those emotions start arising, this is what I'm going to do in the moment.

It also helps to let loose privately beforehand.

So this means expressing your raw feelings, your raw thoughts before you go into the conversation.

So it might be that, you know, you write down a letter to someone without any kind of thinking how it comes across.

You journal about your thoughts, so you let those thoughts raw on the paper, but then when you go into conversation, you remain constructive and calm.

Number four is acknowledge autonomy.

So we have to recognize that the person always has a free will and autonomy and they may not wanting to continue the conversation and that's okay.

So saying simple gestures like saying thank you for being here or saying at any point we don't have to continue with this conversation, we can take a break, we can pause is very important and we need to accept that, that the person might be with us in a difficult conversation and say that they're going to leave or they're going to take a pause.

And we need to respect that in that during the conversation.

And final tip number five is about rehearsing and reflecting.

So before diving in, just rehearse your points with someone who can provide you the feedback or write it down and read it out loud.

Because often what something sounds okay in our head doesn't really sound really constructive when we say it out loud.

So this helps you refine your approach but also prepares you for any potential challenges during the conversation.

Again, I've done it many times that I will say things out loud and just check with myself that some things may sound too bland for people and I just need to refocus it, tell it differently.

So always have that rehearsal before and say okay, how can I say it differently?

Try different wording, Try different approaches.

So thank you so much everyone for tuning in.

I wish you all the best with your difficult conversations.

I really dare you to have them because they will strengthen and improve your relationships.

If you are up for receiving a template with some coaching questions to help you to prepare for your difficult conversation, subscribe to my Substack newsletter.

Simply search for the Happiness Challenge and you'll get a template directly to your inbox at the end of the month.

But I wish you all the best and until the next time, I dare you to be happy.

Bye.