Janice Porter: Hi, everyone, and welcome to this episode of
relationships rule. This is another one of those occasions
that is really special because when I first started out with my
podcast early on, I, I probably didn't know what I was doing.
But anyway, I got started. And I just jumped in and I did my
podcast. And I know that things have improved as I've gone
along. And so one of the things that's really fun is to be able
to bring someone back to my podcast for a second interview,
who was in that first batch of, of interviews that I did. And so
today, I have a special guest one of those people, Allah bar
dog, first of all, welcome to the show, Allah.
Alla Bardov: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much for
having me. It's a pleasure and an honor to be on your podcast.
Yes,
Janice Porter: it's my pleasure. And what's so special is I went
back and looked at the first time you were on the show, which
was actually over three years ago, I can't believe it, it was
over three years ago. And we had just met not long before that,
at an event in Salt Lake City, actually. And you were in the
midst of your sales career. And a really going strong with your
sale, selling for success. I think it's called selling for
success. Sell yourself for success. I knew I had it wrong,
sell yourself for success, and all the programs that go with
it. And I know that you're still doing that. But I thought that
this was a special occasion because she's written a book.
And the book is called Get out of the rabbit hole, building
confidence to overcome self doubt, improve performance and
reach your potential. And for me, that seemed like a perfect
time for you to come on the show, because you stepped it up
now to the next level as well, with your book and everything
that goes along with it. So congratulations, first of all.
Thank you, James. You're welcome. And second, now I want
to talk about it. So I want to know, first of all, how you got
the title for the book, because I love the title get out of the
rabbit hole. And I'm always that hole. So I get it, but I want
you to come tell me about it. Oh,
Alla Bardov: well didn't expect you to that would be the first
thing Oh, really? Okay,
Janice Porter: well, you never know. Right?
Alla Bardov: I am happy to talk about the title. Um, so there
are 12 chapters in the book. And they're all a really independent
chapter. But the main chapter, which is chapter six, six,
that's in the middle of the book, it actually describes a
relationship I had once with a close and trusted friend. And
for the book purposes, we named her Carol. And so Carol's words
that I replayed daily, in my mind caused me to doubt myself,
and actually sent my thoughts down the rabbit hole. So the
name of the book is get out of the rabbit hole, building
confidence to overcome self doubt, improve performance and
reach your potential. And often we don't even realize how the
words of those that we trust affect our actions. And they
really, ultimately affect the goals that we set out to
achieve. And so we all have people like that in our lives.
And you know, for every negative experience, we can turn it
around and make it into a positive experience. It does
take time and effort. But for me, the positive was that made
me realize that I shouldn't let negative people take my thoughts
down the rabbit hole. And I had to figure out how to get out,
which took a long time. And that's another reason I wrote
the book. I wanted to help other people not to go down the same
path. And I provided the tools necessary to take their thoughts
redirect them so that they don't go down the rabbit hole.
Janice Porter: Oh, yeah. And it does take a lot of effort to.
Again, I often come back to this phrase that one of my mentors
whom you know, Cody Bateman, always the story in your mind
becomes the story of your life. So you've got to change the
story in your mind, right? And in this this exactly what you're
talking about changing it from the negative influence to a
positive influence. And it's just a switch, but it isn't just
a switch, right? It takes
Alla Bardov: it takes a really long time. It takes a really
long time. And you know, the interesting thing that Carol's
you know, there's Carol in the book, but Carol's and the lives
don't always show up in our 40s or 50s. You know, we could we
could be carrying something that maybe a parent said or a coach,
or maybe you know, a teacher and they they might not have even
meant it they could have said it out of anger. And maybe they
said you know you're not good enough. You'll never make
anything out of yourself. And you carry these words in your
mind and they really anytime you encounter a challenge these
words ring and they set you back and if we don't have the
strategies, how to deal with them. It's Very difficult to
succeed. And like I said, you don't have to be in your
40s 50s. I mean, you could be, you know, when you were 18.
Janice Porter: Yeah, exactly. And it's just something that
stayed with you a long time. So I love the way you have laid the
book out. And in each chapter, you tell a story, a personal
story, that then you give the audience, the reader the
strategies for, for making these things work, like how you got
out of it. And then so it ranges from, which I thought was really
funny. And entertaining in the chapter about dress matters,
which was chapter three, no, yes. Yeah. Chapter Three. Yes,
yeah. Because I, this goes back a long time, right. And it's all
about first impressions, right? And you can maybe share a little
bit of it with us, because I think the strategies are great.
Alla Bardov: Thank you. And I'm just gonna take it for a second.
And as you said, every chapter has a personal story. And in
each through each, through each story, you know, people can
relate. And people can say, hey, they can transpose themselves
into themselves into my story. And they said, I've been there,
I understand. And strategies fade, but stories stay. So they
might forget the strategies. But if they remember the stories,
don't remember the strategies. But the big thing, we always
hear so much about dressing up, you know, dress for success, you
hear so much about it? And yes, it is very important. You know,
because whatever you wear, it's it's going to make a first
impression or not, then you only have seconds to make the first
impression. And that's what really people think about, you
know, I need to look good, because I want to make a first
impression, I'm going to this event, but it's not just what
your clothes say about you to other people. It's also what
your clothes say to you. So I always tell people, you know,
you take it's like a, like a gas gauge, and put on and see how
you feel. Don't even worry yet about what IT projects to other
people. But how do you feel. So you might put something on and
you know, it has a high tag price, and maybe it's a brand
name, and you know, that looks good, but if you don't feel
comfortable in it, or if you're going to be demonstrating
something and you're going to raise your arms and your shorts
gonna raise, raise up, you are not going to have that
confidence. So the main point out of the chapter is it's not
just what your clothes say about you, but it's what they say
Janice Porter: to you. Right? Which is beautiful, because
that's the first and foremost thing, right? Because if you
don't have that, then you're not going to be confident. Another
piece in the book that I loved. And actually what this reminded
me of was my mother, and the chapter is complements chapter
six, I think it is or no, not chapter chapter five, it's
chapter five. says it's a please accept my gift stories. And you
have a quote, at the beginning, I get awkward when someone
compliments me, they don't know what to say. They say you look
pretty today. And when I say Happy Birthday birthday. Yeah,
exactly. And they reminded me so much of my mother, because for
so many years, my mother did not feel worthy. And you wish she'd
always look 100% and loved clothes and love to you know,
entertain people. And if you sent her a thank you note, she'd
send one back thanking you for the thank you note like this is
how she wanted to always it wasn't she was trying to do
anything other than just be grateful of the other people.
And you, you in the strategies. In this chapter, you talk about
how being able to accept a compliment, helps build
relationships, and I highlighted this because I want to just read
it, when you accept compliments from those who don't know, or
don't know, well, you have an opportunity to thank them and
start a conversation. Accepting compliments creates the
opportunity to develop relationships. And because I'm
all about relationships, I that jumped out at me as well as it
reminded me of my mother, that story that you told, I thought
that this was a really good strategy for relationship
building. So I just like to hear your your tests on what you want
to share.
Alla Bardov: So a lot of times when people get a compliment,
and let's just transpose yourself, say we're in a
business meeting, and you're hoping to get the business of
this potential client and the client complements you on
something and you say, Oh, this dress is so old. Oh, I bought
this suit years ago because you're thinking you're
downplaying You're being humble. But in turn, you are not. So the
first there's, there's so many aspects to you not being able to
accept the compliment. The first thing you're doing is, oh my
gosh, I gave them a compliment. And they did not like the dress
or whatever. Now you feel like I have to give them another
compliment. So now you're scrambling What else can I tell?
Say, if it's to Janice, what else can I tell to Janice? Oh,
my gosh, you know, your hair looks great. And so you're
scrambling to find another compliment. And then another
thought is, if you're not worthy to accept the compliment, why
should you be worthy to accept their business. And so if you
just met someone, you're already starting a relationship on the
wrong note. And on a negative note, because you just made the
person who gave you a compliment, you really deflected
that compliment, you kind of knocked it down and put the
other person in a really awkward situation. Well, what do I say
to make Janice feel better? And so but the interesting thing is,
so how does that give you confidence, but knowing what to
do, when somebody gives you a compliment, if you know that,
you just need to accept it, not just that you need to accept it,
you have confidence that already gave you a confidence booster if
we just met. And I give Janice a compliment. And she said, Thank
you, or thank you for your compliment. If you don't know
what to say, or how to accept it, I give many ways. But if you
just say thank you, it means a lot, or thank you for the
compliment. That's literally all you need to say. And now you're
just starting, you're starting this meeting on a positive note,
it's open, it's welcoming, and the other person doesn't feel
like they have to give you another compliment. And also, a
lot of people feel like, once somebody gives you a compliment,
you have to compliment them back. Don't do that, because
that does not come out authentic. Say Oh, I like your
dress. And you said, Well, I like your dress as well. So you
really don't want to do that. But I give these strategies, and
they seem so simple. But But following them will help you
build confidence and improve relationships, as you said. And
the first relationship I think maybe we discussed it a few days
ago, the first relationship that matters most is the relationship
you have with yourself. And if you don't value that
relationship with yourself, if you don't value yourself enough,
then why should anyone else?
Janice Porter: Exactly. So good. So I think it's an interesting
question about confidence. Because I often ask people about
curiosity, and is it learned? Or like, is it innate? Or is it
learned? And you have a question that came up? That I think is
worthy of talking about too, so Can Can somebody? Yes, I think I
think they can become confident. I think that's, that's, that's
evident in your book, if you follow the strategies to build
confidence, I think it works. But are you born with it? Or is
it learned? I think that's a different piece. And I'd like to
hear your take on them. So we,
Alla Bardov: you know, throughout our lives, we often
hear people say, you need to be confident, or sometimes we think
when I'm confident or a lot of times you hear parents say you
need to be more confident. Yet no one ever says here's how you
do it. That's another reason why I wrote this book. So the
problem remains, how do you become confident? And the story
if I took you back to Cuba back and you say, well, here I am,
obviously, you can hear my accent. So if you're wondering,
I immigrated to this country when I was 15 years old, I did
not speak a word of English. So how does someone like myself
talks about confidence. And so it was during my college days
that I decided I was studying accounting, and I decided to go
sell vacuum cleaners door to door. That sounds like a fun
thing to do. And I was learning to speak English and and so I
spent a lot of time shadowing other people learning all the
sales skills, and I was so good at it. I can close any sales
that can overcome any objections because I learned the skills
that were tools for me to learn. But then I was missing one
thing. I had a hard time getting through the front door. Once I
was in the door, I had it. So I realized I was missing one
component. And that's that confidence to get through that
front door. And so what I realized is that while if you
wanted to learn how to cook, oh there cookbooks if you wanted to
learn how to drive, you can go take driving lessons, but there
was no there were no instructions on manuals on how
to become confident, and really trying to become confident
without the tools needed was difficult. And that's when my
quest began. On, hey, can you learn confidence? Is that a
learned trait? And so it took me it's been a 30 year journey,
trying to figure out So during that time, I have discovered
that confidence can be learned, practiced and mastered, just
like any other skill. Just like you exercise the muscle in your
body, you can also exercise your mind to build confidence. You
just need to know what to do. So you learn it, you practice it,
and then you master it. Does it take time? Absolutely. And so in
my book, I outlined 12, confidence building strategies.
And it's not if you asked me one hour, if I do them, if I had
read the book in one week, or in one day, and I go practice them,
Am I going to become instantly confident? Of course not. So my
best advice is, read a chapter and go practice it for a week,
read another chapter, add to it, and go practice it. And over
time, when you can, when you can perform these strategies without
even thinking, you will absolutely gain confidence, you
will absolutely people will notice, you will become more
confident you will become a better a better person, overall,
a better parent, a better spouse, a better significant
other, so you will become a better person. So yes, you can
absolutely learn and become confident.
Janice Porter: I think that there are people however, that I
think of when I was a kid, even that I can remember, you know,
people who just oozed confidence as kids or teenagers, whatever.
And they were the ones that were quite often the maybe they were
the valedictorian in school, or maybe they were the leader of
whatever was going on, because they they stood tall, they knew
who they were, and they had that inner confidence. Do you think
that there are those people? Have you come across those
people in your world?
Alla Bardov: And think there's also there's a fine line between
confidence and arrogance, especially when it comes to
salespeople? Yes. And then yes, I do think that maybe some
people are born a little bit more inclined towards being
confident or possibly their parents. So I think the parents
or the people around them, they have observed things, and they
have applied what they've learned versus some other kids
that might not have. So modeling, yeah, as exactly as
role models, you have to look at, you know, who are your role
models? Who are the people around you? What are they? What
are they exhibiting? Since you brought this up, I will mention
I was doing training for this company. And we were doing
strictly confidence, actually, we're doing sales training, but
as part of it is always a confidence training. And so
this, this gentleman would go home, and he would share what
he's learned from me within I think, weekly or monthly. And he
would share it with his family with his with his 15 year old
daughter, actually, for quote is in my book, her endorsement from
a 15 year old. And she was a professional, not professional,
but she was playing sports. And so he would share it with her
every time that we had training session. And he shared with me
that one time the mom said something negative, and she
said, Mom, we're not being negative, this is not gonna help
us succeed in life. But this is what the kids are observing. So
if you're observing, if your parents, which most of us most
of people really, truly tend to lean on the negative side, we're
kind of expect negative outcomes. And so that does
affect those kids. So I do think that yes, absolutely. What
you're saying that some of those kids, yes, it's part of staying
tall your body language will affected? And if you want I can
I have been asked, Are there habits that are destroying your
confidence on daily basis? I have been asked that question,
you know, a few times. And so possibly, it's something you do,
or if you observe as a teen you observe or as a kid, your
parents do it, then it's very difficult for you to be growing
up as, as a confident, you know, teenager or adult. And those are
negative self talk. Yeah. Because especially when we're
faced in with challenging situation. So our tendency is to
engage in negative self talk. And then also we expect negative
outcomes as our mind. Our mind is just programmed, you know,
that way we expect the negative and then of course, self doubt.
And, you know, we discussed it and people experience self doubt
for a variety of reasons, including, you know, their
upbringing, somebody that somebody said, maybe they're
extremely competitive, or maybe they're perfectionist, so So
they're different things but yes, to answer your questions, I
think some kids are okay based on their environment.
Janice Porter: So it was something that came up yesterday
you and I were working together yesterday on an on something
completely different and and you You exhibited this amazing
attribute of being able to visualize. And when you
visualize something, I don't have that. I don't see pictures
the same way. I don't think I've trained my brain that way
enough. And I love it. I love that you are that this isn't one
chapter in the book as well called visualize it. And you say
the subtitle is my eyes made it happen story. And I love the
story. And I love what happened. And I wondered if you'd share
that story. Do you remember the story I'm referring to? I do?
Alla Bardov: I do. It was, it was of course, of course. It was
my corporate career. And at the time, we had three kids. We had
the young, the young, the younger one was, had some health
challenges, which caused me to retire from corporate life. And
it was during that time that I decided to start this little
side gig on the side. And it was a jewelry business and was a
custom jewelry. And I thought, you know, it would be fun while
I'm being a homeroom mom, and I'm doing this. And so I really
wanted to get this jewelry into, into a, this fancy spot I'm in
and one time I walked in, and I saw, I walked into the spa, and
I saw all of this jewelry that they had a jewelry display. And
I went and I asked, Are you looking for any vendors? And of
course, the answer was no, that they you know, we have not
added. And the first thing as I stood there, I mean, I was just
in shock. And I'm sure the lady was thinking, oh my gosh, she's
crazy. She just stood there, I'm not moving, I'm not saying
anything. And all of a sudden, I did not see the candles, the
body wraps or the the jewelry that was there. All I saw was my
jewelry. I saw it on every shell, I saw it displayed. I saw
it everywhere. And so that visualization drove me to create
an action plan and to follow my steps. Instead of you know, the
tendency when we expect negative outcome, you say, Oh, well, you
know, it'll never happen. You know, I'm just beginning I only
started a month ago, who would bring my jewelry in here, right?
And yes, the visualization really, really helps you know,
and it does not the visualization does not replace
the work that needs to take place. But what happens
visualization is that you go through the action twice for the
action. So you go once in your mind, then you plan it really
three times. And then when you meet, then you've already
overcome you already overcame all their objections, you
already came up with all the answers. So it's, it really it
just helps to bring your aspirations to life. And if you
look at the you know, the ancient monks, if you look at
celebrities, if you really talk to athletes who've achieved, you
know, the highest level, they will tell you it all starts with
in your mind, it starts with visualizing yourself, achieving
that goal. And so the strategies I give in the book for
visualization, how do you achieve it? What do you have to
go through? So thank you for picking on that chapter. I think
it's very it is very important chapter is
Janice Porter: that you have to finish the story. You have to
finish the story.
Alla Bardov: Oh, when it was realisation that with the jury,
yes, what your delivery? They did, yes, they did, I did call
and I did set up a meeting. And I was because of visualization
that I was able to visualize where every piece would be on
which shelf. So to down to the point where I told them while
you have these body wraps that you really haven't sold a whole
lot. But if I put my piece over here, it's going to bring the
attention to it. But that all happened in my mind first, and
then I brought it to the manager. And very after the
meeting, it was we'll get back with you. And it was within it
was so fast when they got back with me. And they said we would
love to carry your jewelry. I know that. And so so yeah. So
that was, you know, that was a very, very exciting moment for
somebody who's just starting to do something and been at it for
a month.
Janice Porter: But that's not that also, though, comes back to
the fact that number one, you're a great salesperson. And number
two, you're an entrepreneur, and you know you had all of those
things going for you but the visualization is what jumped out
at me. That's why I let the story and you're right now there
was just the NBA basketball draft was just last month and
watching the new players coming out of school and I don't know
if you're familiar because I know you're a basketball family
like we are but maybe not in the same way. But we are watching
the draft and there was a set of twins and they were drafted
fourth and fifth out of everything. And that's number
one, it was the first of its kind that they had twins
drafted. But number two, they were, I read a story about them
and magazine just last week. And both of them since they were
like five years old, had been visualizing being in the NBA.
And you're, like you said it previously, that it's with
people that reach a high level like that, that is often the
beginning, is having that vision and maintaining that vision
throughout and believing it right. Because it's the belief
Alla Bardov: eliminates because it's very, it's very difficult,
because you know, you're gonna, you're gonna encounter daily ups
and downs, you know, it's not always great, you know, you will
be defeated by other teams, you have to break through the
mental, you know, the mental barrier, because it's not
always, you know, it's not always roses or whatever they
say, you have to work hard. But the tendency is, oh, my gosh,
there's these kids are better than than we are, will never
make it to the NBA. But you cannot win with that kind of
attitude. Because if you see yourself daily, if even if you
have to cut out the pictures, I know, I forgot, I told you in
one of the other picture, or in one of the other chapters that I
was trying to help my roommate lose weight. And it's also the
visualization. So was a college roommate. And so I took a
picture of her favorite celebrity. And then I took a
picture of her and I cut out her face and put it on everybody's
face, that creates a visualization, hey, this is my,
you know, my idol, I want to look like that. And when you and
I hung it in our closet. And so every day when she would look at
it, you know, it made her made healthier choices. So that's
also visualization. And it can play a huge part in just about
anything that we want to accomplish. Even writing,
writing a book Never did my life did I think that I would write a
book. But the first thing is, you know, your visual, you
visualize, you visualize people reading it, you visualize the
impact it's going to make on others. So very, it's very
important.
Janice Porter: That's, that's so great. And, and comes with this
new venture that you're on. So you're from this book, you're
still doing your sales, training, and all the different
aspects of sales training. And now you're going on the road
with your book right now you want to share this information
by talking on stages and, and in groups of people that you can
spread the word. Now I understand there's a workbook
that goes with this
Alla Bardov: workbook, and it's a GET OUT OF THE RABBIT HOLE
workbook, developing your confidence building strategies.
And that's really the only way the best way that you can put
all the strategies to practice because then you can apply them
to yourself. The nice thing about the book is, you know, you
don't have to write on margins, I didn't have to leave you empty
spaces. But the cool thing is, it has by chapter is structured
by chapter and it gives you examples. And then you write
out. You write out the situations based, you know,
based on your situation, right. And a lot of chapters have a
moment of truth. And this is where you actually write, you
know, this is what I do right now. Because oftentimes your
first thing instinct, oh, I don't do that. But if you are
going to, if you are you going to really take this book and put
and put it to use and really become confident. And so the
moment of truth is something very important. And we were mean
you were talking a lot earlier, we were talking on a podcast
about the compliments. And so here's a moment of truth from
the compliments chapter and it says, thinking about the past,
prior to reading the book, write down your responses to when
someone complimented you, if you can't recall, start by paying
attention to how people around you respond to compliments, and
write it down. So an example I got this shirt two years ago
from a garage sale, it's most likely out of style now, but I
want people to write down because unless they write down
and they start catching themselves, you know, it's all
about awareness, and replacing what they do to something to
what they should be doing to become confident. So that's what
the workbook is all about. And it's available on Amazon as
well.
Janice Porter: Okay, awesome. Yeah, I remember always saying
to my mom when someone was if I was around her and somebody
complimented her mom, just say thank you, just because it was
hard for her to do that. Right. So I guess yeah, yes. So last
thoughts, in terms of the strategies that people can do to
become more to apply to become more confident? What would your
top two or three be to share with my audience I'm pretty sure
I know what they are, because we've talked about, go ahead.
Alla Bardov: Yeah, so I really want to cover probably self
doubt, because that's the, that's the main chapter and just
some things to, to put into people's heads because we all
have self doubts and self doubt does not discriminate against
age, or your, or how successful a person is, when self doubt is
a destructive state of mind. And so the first thing, so I'm gonna
give people three things, actually five things that they
need to do, and then they can go for more details into the book.
So the first thing is questioned the validity of your doubt of
your doubts is what should as I always say, doubt, your doubts,
doubt your doubts. Is it really true what you're saying, you
know, and maybe you need training or some skills, then
great, then go and get them get that out of your mind. But what
I also say is voice voice, which you're thinking to yourself to a
group of people that you that love you and your trusted
circle, voice it to your significant others voices to
maybe your grown up, kids voice it to your best friend, who has
your best interests in mind, and say, This is what I'm saying to
myself? Is it true? Chances are, it's not they wouldn't agree
with you. And probably you should not agree with yourself
either. And, you know, and then you possibly could be also
hearing the voices of someone else what someone said, to make
you feel that way. So that's number one. question the
validity of your doubts. Number two, become consciously aware of
when you're talking to yourself, you know, what are you saying
maybe I'm not good enough? Maybe I'm not the person they're
looking for? Nobody's gonna read my book. I mean, is that true?
No, it's absolutely not true. But these are the things that
you go through as you're going through the process. So
consciously become aware. And then this is my favorite part,
and acknowledge and name your doubting thoughts. So anytime
you hear a doubting thought that that comes, name it. So for me
it was go away, rabbits go away anytime. And to this day, any
you know, because we're not no one's immune, no one is immune
against self doubt. But if you have the strategies, and you
know what to do, so you name anytime I have a self doubting
thoughts, and especially in the chapter when I explain it, name
it. So go away, rabbit go away. And then what you want to do is
shift your attention to now. And you know, now is the only really
moment that we can control whether it's through your
breathing through your music, you know, whatever, however, it
is that you that you can come to now. And then, and then replace
them with something positive. You know, I have a separate
chapter on I am statements. So if you're saying I am not good
enough, who will read my book, I am a great author. I am, I will
be helping so many people build confidence. So those are just a
few. A few strategies really on self doubt, because it affects
so many of
Janice Porter: us. Yeah. And all starts with ourselves, doesn't
it? It
Alla Bardov: does. It absolutely does.
Janice Porter: So thank you so much for all of that. All the
strategies, sharing your stories with us, and where can i Where
Can my audience find you? And I will put
Alla Bardov: they can find me on my website is sell yourself for
success.com? Yes. And the book, the book is on get out of the
rabbit hole.com And it can be the book can be purchased on
Amazon as well as Barnes and Nobles.
Janice Porter: Perfect. I will put all that in the show notes.
And I do recommend that anybody who's an entrepreneur in
business should read this book because it definitely brings all
of these things to the forefront that we can help that will help
make us a better person conference. Yes, thank you and
thanks for being here. Thank you to my audience. If you liked
what you heard, please subscribe and leave a an honest review.
Thank you again, and stay connected. Remember Thank you