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Hello listeners, welcome to Social Skills Coaching, where you become more likeable,

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more charismatic and more productive.

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Today is March 13, 2024.

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We're diving into another section of Patrick King's Conversation Skills training today,

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focusing on bad communication habits to avoid.

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Are you curious how it works?

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Tune in to learn how this simple strategy can create strong connections and leave a

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lasting impression.

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For more tips on effective communication, check out Patrick King's book or visit his

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website at bit.ly-pk-consulting.

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Let's get started.

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After Bad Communication Habits To Avoid Maybe you read the previous descriptions

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of barriers to communication and thought it all sounded a little serious.

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Perhaps you are simply looking for ways to improve everyday conversation and not necessarily

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become a master at juggling the deep and meaningful stuff.

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However, even if you are, on the whole, a flexible, open-minded and non-judgmental communicator,

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you may still fall into the common habitual conversational traps that plague the best of

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us.

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That's because the biggest barrier to excellent communication is all those small, mindless,

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and automatic acts that erode trust and connection.

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Granted, these conversational habits don't mean that you have psychological issues with

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prejudice or a deep-seated need for control, but, in a way, knee-jerk habits like these

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are worse because they are usually invisible, unconscious, and may even be encouraged by

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your general environment.

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Before we take an earnest look at what we should be doing to become better communicators,

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let's explore a few more things not to do.

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Human life is largely comprised of conversations.

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Every relationship, every human interaction, every job, everything, at some point, requires

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you to encounter and engage with another human being.

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And whether you fancy yourself a world-class communicator or would sooner send an email

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than deal with face-to-face discussion, chances are you have at least a few terrible communication

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habits that drive people nuts, yes, even you.

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Now the following habits won't cause major blowouts or serious miscommunication, and

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they're not the end of the world, but they're good, low-hanging fruit to begin with as we

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embark on sharpening our communication skills.

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Constantly interrupting

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Maybe you interrupt because you're excited by what the other person just said.

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You simply have to interject and say your thing.

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Maybe you interrupt because unconsciously you think that what you have to say is more

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urgent or more important.

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Maybe you're doing it because you're rushing the conversation along, having already jumped

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to conclusions about what the other person means and made your judgments about it.

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In any case, it doesn't matter why you do it, only that it makes the other person feel

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awful.

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It's understandable, you want to be heard, but so do they.

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Take it a step further and don't even think about interrupting.

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You know what this means.

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When you are suddenly more interested in your own response to what's being said than listening

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to what's being said, it shows.

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The other person can tell that your attention has suddenly moved inward and you are preparing

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a response.

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A good habit is this.

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After someone stops speaking, pause, and count slowly to three in your head.

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This sends the message, I'm here, I'm paying attention, and I care about what you have

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to say, and let's the other person know they don't have to rush to get a word in and that

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you are respectful enough to pause to process what they're saying.

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Multitasking A conversation merits more than the few

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glances you can muster when you finally tear your eyes away from your iPhone.

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We are probably all guilty of the practice of multitasking, at least occasionally.

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No matter how insignificant or pointless your interactions may appear, you must be there

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for them.

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In other words, you can't mindlessly check your phone or run through your grocery list.

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Pay close attention to the people you're talking to.

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Qualifiers Not to be rude or offensive, but this could

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be a horrible idea, but I know what you're thinking, but...

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Qualifiers, i.e., little expressions said before or after a statement with the intention

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of softening or mitigating that statement, certainly have their place.

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Overusing them, though, can be pretty annoying.

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Why?

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In the right circumstances, they can come across as condescending and unneeded.

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Remember the manipulative communication style?

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Nobody wants to feel like they're being managed or handled.

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If you go to great lengths to use qualifiers, it may stir up feelings of mistrust in your

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listener, who could wonder why you're not just being direct.

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Remind yourself that the word but is kind of magical.

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People tend to discount everything that came before that word.

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It's yet another barrier, albeit one that is mostly just annoying.

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Equating Your Experiences

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In Chapter 4, we'll look more closely at mastering the emotional aspects of effective communication.

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But for now, it's enough to banish this single, meaningless phrase from your repertoire.

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I know exactly how you feel.

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It's even worse if you then proceed to tell a lengthy story about a time when you've felt

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similarly, despite the fact that the two situations are completely dissimilar.

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Keep in mind that every person's journey is unique.

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It's good that you're making an effort to be empathetic, but think about it from the

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other side.

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Has hearing about someone else's hard time ever made you feel less unhappy about your

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own troubles?

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Probably not.

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Whether you can understand another person's experiences or not is irrelevant.

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Almost always it will not feel good for them to hear it.

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Floundering We've all encountered people who ramble on

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without a point, as though they like the sound of their own voices.

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If you have a tendency to do this yourself, constantly try to remember how mind-numbing

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it is to be on the receiving end.

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Floundering and waffling on and on is usually a bad habit we get into when we're nervous

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or unconsciously afraid that something bad will happen, unless we keep performing and

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filling the silence.

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But like every other poor communication strategy listed here, it doesn't work.

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The more we talk, the less people listen.

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Think carefully, say what you need to say, and be straightforward and succinct when you

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talk.

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Have faith that you've been heard, and if you haven't been heard, just let it go, because

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it's likely that you would not have convinced anyone to care or understand simply by going

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on ad nauseam.

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Waiting Instead of Listening Everyone knows they should be a good listener.

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To be honest, most of us are better at acting the role of good listener than actually being

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one.

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Rather than listening with all our attention to what we're told, we're really just waiting

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our turn.

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Of course, we might be listening with an agenda, discarding what doesn't fit the agenda, hearing

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what we like, and spending the next few minutes drafting a witty response, just as soon as

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the other person stops talking.

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If this is a bad habit to break, remind yourself of the fact that people can usually tell when

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you're not listening.

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It's not easy to hide, and it makes you appear selfish, disinterested, and unkind.

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Fluff and filler words Padding out your speech with filler words may be more or less acceptable,

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depending on your age, culture, and social situation, but it's almost always better

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to avoid it entirely.

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F filler words are things like um, ah, okay, like, you know, you see, uh, right, kinda,

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so actually, er, hmm, and so on.

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You may in fact have your own personal verbal tick.

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For example, some people have a strange habit of ending every sentence with a dangling, so

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that doesn't go anywhere.

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Others will liberally sprinkle like or um everywhere, still, others will have overused

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turns of phrase that add nothing at all to the message.

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For example, the woman who ends every simple phrase with, if that makes sense, or the guy

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who cannot open his mouth without saying, yeah, well, try this challenge for yourself.

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Once you've identified your own pet filler words, try to consciously replace them with

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plain old silence.

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Just say nothing and pause until you can say something that isn't a filler word.

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If you can be mindful enough to do this in the moment, you may be surprised at just how

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polished and put together you come across.

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You don't have to say anything profound, just remove the filler words and you automatically

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seem more self-assured, authoritative, and sophisticated.

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Note of course that if you deliberately don't want to appear that way, then ignore this advice.

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So interrupting, being distracted, trying to make every conversation about you all these

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smaller conversation killing habits are actually expressions of one deeper, bigger problem,

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conversational narcissism.

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We are all guilty of this to some extent.

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A conversation is about two people.

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Even beyond that, a good conversation is one where both people have actively participated

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and both have connected with one another.

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That simply means that to the extent you are focusing only on yourself, the conversation

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will be lacking somehow.

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The more you can focus on the other person, the better the conversation will be.

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This realization seems pretty obvious on the face of it.

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Look around and you'll notice that almost all cases of miscommunication or failed connection

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come from, in one way or another, conversational narcissism.

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Whether the obstacles are psychological, behavioral, or just bad habits we've fallen

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into, if they put us at the center and cause us to forget the other person and their perspective,

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then our communication will never be everything it has the potential to be.

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The Report Game Imagine you're sitting across the street from

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a cafe and watching three tables, each with two people having a conversation.

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At table A, both people are leaning in together, seemingly mocking, seemingly mimicking one

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another's facial expressions and hand gestures, while at table B, the people talking are looking

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very serious and low energy.

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But they've both leaned back in their chairs and, just like table A, seem to me mirroring

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one another's behavior.

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Table C is different.

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One person is seemingly excited and smiling, while the other is calmer, speaking less,

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and adopting a completely different posture and facial expression.

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Not knowing anything about the content of the conversation, you can probably tell, even

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from afar, which conversations are going well and which one isn't.

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That's because at its most fundamental, good communication is not about the words you say,

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but the degree of concordance, harmony, and synchronicity between you and the person you're

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talking to.

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So this is exactly our next pit stop on our journey to becoming better communicators.

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Mirroring and matching.

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Have you ever actually wondered what chemistry is?

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That fizzle of energy and connection between two people is something that's difficult to

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describe, but you definitely know it when you feel it.

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However mysterious it feels, this chemistry is actually well explained as an evolutionary

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adaptation that has helped our species bond, connect, and establish trust, even before we

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developed verbal language.

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Mirroring and matching doesn't need much explanation.

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You've seen it with your own eyes.

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When we match and mirror, we mimic not just what others say, but how they say it, the

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words they use, their accents, turns of phrase, gestures, posture, voice tone, pitch and volume,

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and facial expressions.

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Here's the thing.

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We all instinctively know how to mirror and match.

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It's just that the more charismatic among us know how to do it deliberately.

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In the 1970s, Richard Bandler and John Grinder introduced a communication theory called Neuro-Linguist

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programing, an LP.

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They claim that most people tend to feel happier and more comfortable around those who are

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similar to them, even if this recognition of similarity is largely unconscious.

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Have you ever noticed two people get together for the first time and immediately start to

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look for things in common between them?

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They may smile as they both realize they grew up in the same area, or like the same

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shows when they were kids, or both indirectly know the same people.

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As they do this, they may start to reflect and mimic one another, matching the other's

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tone of voice, hand movements, and other idiosyncrasies.

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It's as though the more similar we feel to the person in front of us, the more we feel

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that they can hear and understand us, and the more we trust and like them.

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Fearing is copying and reflecting a behavior in the same moment.

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So they smile and you smile.

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They whisper, and so do you.

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Done right, it creates feelings of harmony and synchrony, like you're both doing a coordinated

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dance in time with one another.

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Matching is copying and reflecting, but not necessarily at the same time, so perhaps they

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use an unusual or noteworthy turn of phrase, which you remember and return to later in

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the conversation.

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Almost literally communicating, I speak the same language as you.

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The wonderful thing is that mirroring and matching can create strong feelings of harmony

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and connection, even without you saying a word.

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It's difficult to estimate just how much communication is nonverbal, but it's clear

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that the proportion is significant.

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Whether you're meeting someone new, talking to an old friend, or trying to navigate a

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prickly conflict, matching and mirroring is a great skill to master, since it always

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gives you a solid base on which to build.

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There are three main ways to build rapport by using matching and mirroring.

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Way one, match and mirror external communication cues.

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Body language and nonverbal communication are prior to verbal communication.

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If you adopt the same posture as the person in front of you, you duplicate their experience

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in your own body and can understand more about their position, literally.

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You also communicate that you're on the same wavelength and will create feelings of being

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in sync.

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In conversation, simply notice how open or closed body language as a whole seems.

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Look for tension, crossed arms, hunched posture, closed fists, frowning, or relaxation, open

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arms, expressive hands, legs uncrossed.

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Without aping them very obviously, try to match this degree of openness or closeness.

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Next, notice gestures, i.e., body postures in motion.

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Are they moving quickly or slowly?

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Are they graceful and flowing?

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Or sharp and staccato?

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Wide and expansive, fidgety, protective, restrained?

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How do the gestures line up with everything else in the conversation?

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Match and mirror this.

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You can also match and mirror facial expressions.

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In fact, you might find you do this automatically just by paying close attention to the other

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person.

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You could focus on just one most notable aspect, for example, the eyebrows or corners of the

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mouth.

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Again, see if you can match the position, movement, and degree of openness or closeness

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here, especially at points in the conversation when emotional content is being communicated.

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You could say, I know how you feel, but when your facial expression matches theirs, you're

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doing something more powerful.

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You're showing that you understand what they mean.

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Way to?

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Match and mirror voice and language.

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This is a rich area to tap.

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Consider all the aspects of the voice that have nothing to do with the words used.

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Tone, rate, or speed, volume, both loudness and simply the amount of speech, pitch, how

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high or low, pace, inflection, and modulation.

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How you deliver your sentences and the flow of speech, for example, with lots of variation

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or with the steady, even monotone.

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You can match and mirror on any of the five above aspects, or potentially all of them.

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The key, however, is to do it subtly and naturally.

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For example, if the person you're speaking to is talking quickly, fast rate, speaking

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quite loudly, high volume, and in a high pitch, and talking with an excitable and highly

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inflected tone, then you can signal your empathy and understanding of their frame of mind by

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mimicking some of this yourself.

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You could subtly raise your own pitch, talking a little louder than you ordinarily would,

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and mirror that excitement back at them.

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Overall, you're attempting to match the energy of what they're communicating.

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Just remember that the voice is a part of the body, so every aspect of the voice is

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essentially body language.

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One thing you might not have considered is what communication experts call sensory predicates.

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Basically these are systems of meaning that we use to explain our experiences.

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We each have a system, whether we're aware of it or not, i.e., we might favor descriptions

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and explanations that are visual, auditory, kinesthetic, feeling, auditory digital.

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A few examples will show how sensory predicates play out in real life.

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A visual predicate, for example, uses language, symbolism, and metaphors that are based in

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the physiology of sight.

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So you might pepper your speech with terms like, picture this, look, view, bright, reveal,

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short-sighted, paint a picture, I can see, clear, dim, etc.

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Similarly, more auditory to do with sound predicates will include phrases like, listen, tell,

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clear as a bell, on the same frequency, lend me your ears, strike a note, loud and clear, etc.

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Kinesthetic and feeling predicates may overlap somewhat and mix both meanings of the word

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feel.

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For example, I'm touched, concrete, solid, hot and bothered, get in touch, handhold, grasp,

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make contact, etc.

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So-called auditory digital predicates are more focused on the cognitive experience of

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the world.

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For example, with terms like, understand, know, think, process, figure it out, pay attention,

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wonder, etc.

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The point of understanding the predicates someone uses is so that you can match and

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mirror these, too.

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The result can be an instant connection of feeling and rapport.

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For example, if someone consistently uses visual predicates, they may say, I like the

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look of this idea, you've painted such a clear picture of the most important goals.

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If you pick up on this, you can continue and expand the visual metaphors, or include your

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own by later saying something like, I see what you mean, I'm glad we're focusing on

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the same vision here.

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Now this might not seem like much, but it's a powerful way to unconsciously signal that

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you speak the same language, and even more than this, inhabit the same perceptual world

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as the other person.

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If you're not entirely clear which kind of predicate the person is using, it's no big

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deal.

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Simply prick your ears.

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Use an auditory one to the kinds of metaphors they use, and repeat or expand on them, rather

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than abruptly switching to a different metaphor.

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So now you know, ditch the I know exactly how you feel, and start mirroring and matching.

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It's a powerful tool for building connection, and remember, good communication is about

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showing you understand, not just saying it.

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Thanks for joining us on Social Skills Coaching, we'll see you next Wednesday.