We all got secrets we all got secrets we all got.

Hello pinecones, and welcome back to another installment of Samia's Origin story as part of my between seasons bonus content.

Now in if you are new to the show, if you just heard me recently on someone else's podcast and you came over here curious about what it is that I'm making, don't, don't start here.

This isn't the show.

This is bonus content.

Go back to the beginning of the feed and listen to episode one titled the Lying is the betrayal, not the Sex with other people.

Start there because that is the actual show and there are 11 episodes in the first season.

We started at the end of August and wrapped up at the beginning of November last year.

2025.

Right now I'm working on season two, but in order to not lose all of your beautiful sexy ears, those of you listeners who have been in since the beginning, I'm releasing this bonus content.

Sometimes it's interviews and sometimes like today, it's me telling you stories from my life.

So to tell you my actual full origin story, which is something that I've been talking about a lot on other people's podcasts, would require a lot more time than what I'm gonna do.

Give this Today I'm going to give you a little snippet and the snippet that I'm going to give you is to do with the question of jealousy.

So the number one question that I get from people who have never experienced being in a non monogamous relationship, which is the only kind of relationship that I ever have anymore, is but what do you do when you get jealous?

And I want to tell you a personal story from my life that was kind of my breakthrough with jealousy.

So the first time that I was in a fully open relationship was back in.

It started in late 2012.

I was a wee youngin.

I think I was what I was 29.

I'd just turned 29 and I had just gotten dumped by a total a hole who not only was like toxically monogamous, he wouldn't even let me talk to like women I'd made out with once in college.

Like he was that jealous and controlling and possessive.

We don't like him.

When he dumped me on a Tuesday out of nowhere, I swore to myself that I would never ever, ever let somebody control me like that again.

That not only would I never cut off people that I cared about just because a boyfriend or girlfriend told me to, but but I would never be monogamous again because There are people in my life that I always want to have a place open for.

And I also want a place open for anyone new who comes along, who I have an undeniable connection with.

I am not about this whole idea of, like, just because you got married or committed to somebody and then something really fantastic starts to happen with somebody new that you have to say, no, I deny you get away from me.

No, I don't do that.

I'm like, let.

Let your relationships be what they are.

No one relationship gets to control any other relationship.

So I got out of this toxically monogamous relationship with this asshole and immediately started sleeping with the bartender at the cafe and bar across the street from where I lived in Astoria, Queens.

And that was super fun.

It started off casual, but then we fell in love and we were together for about three years.

And it was the first non monogamous relationship I had ever been in.

And there was some back and forth with our monogamous status.

There was a point about seven months in where he was going through a depression, and he told me that what had once felt really fun about non monogamy was now feeling really bad to him.

And I was really busy with work at the time.

So I agreed to be temporarily monogamous to give him some time to recover from his depression.

I was very compassionate about that.

Mental health issues are no joke.

But then about nine months later, we reopened our relationship and we were fully open.

And when he started dating other people at that point, all the women he was choosing to date were like 10 years younger than me.

Well, maybe not 10.

I. I think I was like 30 by that time.

And these women were like 21, 22, and he was 25, so they were age appropriate for him, but they were much younger than me.

They were also almost universally very, very petite.

They were short and very thin.

I mean, these were girls that weighed like 95 pounds soaking wet.

And for some reason, this was all he was dating at the time.

I am not that.

I am not that at all.

At that time, I was struggling with aging.

You know, it's so funny because when you're in your 20s, turning 30 feels like, oh, I'm getting old.

And now that I'm in my 40s, I'm like, oh, my God.

I was still a tadpole.

But at the time, I was trying to launch a music project and a band of my own.

If you want to listen to my original music, you can go on Spotify and search Samia Xi and you'll find all of it.

I Haven't been releasing music in a long time.

But I, I.

For five years, I was really serious about it.

I made a bunch of music videos, and you can check those out too on YouTube.

Just search Samya Xi, you'll find it.

But I felt like I was getting old.

I felt like I'd missed my chance at a big career.

I'd missed the boat in life.

And I've always struggled with body image since I was a slightly chubby little kid getting bullied every day to a slightly chubby young adult, feeling like nobody wanted me because I wasn't this thin, aspirationally attractive human.

Turns out it was really just my confidence that could have used a boost.

And once I got that under control, all the dicks and pussies came my way.

But I was insecure about those things.

I was insecure about my age.

I was insecure about my size.

So him dating these girls that were so young and so tiny made me lose my goddamn mind.

I got so jealous.

There was one really ugly night where he came home much later than he was supposed to and didn't call me, which is on him.

And he apologized.

But I was like a rage monster.

I, like, screamed that night.

I apologized too.

And the next day, I sat with those feelings.

I was like, why did I get so irrationally angry?

I mean, it was only a couple of hours.

And it's not like I waiting for him for any particular reason.

Like, I, I wasn't even doing anything.

And became really obvious that my jealousy with these women had nothing to do with them.

It had to do with me, my insecurities.

And that's typically the case with jealousy.

It's often to do with your own insecurities, your fear of abandonment, your worries about whether or not you're good enough on one or more levels.

And sometimes jealousy is an indicator that you are not being treated well, that your partner is treating you in a way that is not okay.

That is also sometimes the case.

But to answer the question, how do you deal with jealousy?

The answer is, think of it as information before you act on your jealousy, or outsource blame for your jealousy on somebody else, either your partner or the other people that they're attracting.

To ask yourself, what is getting triggered here?

Why am I jealous?

Is it an insecurity?

If that's the case, that's your issue to deal with.

It has nothing to do with your partner or the other people they're seeing.

If it's that you're being mistreated, well, in that case, it's still your issue to deal with.

You got to talk to your partner about it.

And if they're not in a place where they want to change their behavior, then maybe it's a relationship ending event.

But either way, it's information and you need to figure out what that information is telling you so that you can make a good decision.

It's a lot wiser to handle jealousy that way than to feel it and immediately go, you fucking asshole, I hate you.

How dare you make me feel this way.

And a common trope in polyamorous circles is you are the only one who is responsible for your feelings.

And this can be used problematically.

There are people out there who behave badly and don't treat their partners right.

And when their partner says, hey, this is making me feel away, they'll respond with, nobody can make you feel anything.

This is your problem and that's fucked up.

Don't do that.

But that kind of situation aside, it is wise to think of your emotions as your responsibility.

That doesn't mean that people who treat you badly are absolved of all responsibility.

It just means that nobody can make you feel something.

If you feel bad because of something someone else did, it's because you have granted them access to you in that way.

Maybe they don't deserve that access, maybe you have to cut off that access.

But maybe, just maybe, they didn't do anything wrong and an insecurity has just gotten triggered.

And if that's the case, you work on that insecurity.

So end of that story.

Once I figured that out, I had a conversation with my sweet boyfriend and I apologized for the way I had reacted the night before.

He apologized for coming home later than he was supposed to.

I explained to him that the women he was dating were exacerbating my existing insecurities.

But that was on me and that was not his fault.

And I also acknowledged to myself and to him that part of what makes non monogamy so fun is getting to date very different types of people in our relationship.

Because I was a little bit older and more established in my career, I was the wise, stable one and he was a little bit more willy nilly off in the ether.

Being a 25 year old in New York City.

These women were younger than him and much physically smaller than him, whereas I was kind of the same size as him.

And they made him feel like the wise, intelligent, experienced one, the big strong protector, which he didn't get to feel like with me.

So he was getting something from that that was very good for him.

And I didn't want to take that away.

So I just asked for a little reassurance.

You know what he did?

He gave it to me because he was a really, really good partner.

If you're listening to this D, you know who you are.

Still the best boyfriend I ever had.

So yeah, I hope this story helps you if you are at all curious about non monogamy but wondering, how am I going to deal with my jealousy?

Jealousy is just a feeling.

Feelings are something we can and should sit with and ask ourselves.

What are these feelings pointing me to?

What is getting triggered here that I can address?

Is it something that's in my control, like an insecurity?

Or is it something that someone else is doing to me?

Am I being treated badly and do I need to establish a new set of boundaries with this person in order to protect myself?

And if you look at it that way, I promise you, you'll have bad moments.

I'm sure we all do.

I still have bad moments.

But you won't destroy your relationships and push good people away just because you had a bad moment.

Because you'll be able to recover and say, hey, I learned this about myself and I'm sorry and I forgive you and I forgive me.

And let's move forward with this new information in our back pocket.

All right, that's my story for today.

Thank you so much for tuning in, longtime listeners, new listeners, if you listen to this whole thing without going back to episode one, I hope you enjoyed it.

But now go back to episode one.

I'm going to be doing an advice bonus episode soon, so if you have questions for me that you think you would enjoy my answers to, I give stellar advice.

I really do.

A lot of will come to me for advice and I'd love to give you advice.

So send me your questions.

Ideally, record them in a voice memo and email them to closetedpodcastmail.com if you don't want your voice on the air, totally get it.

Just write them in an email.

I won't use any names or identifying details.

I will answer your questions.

That will be on an upcoming bonus release.

And I've got a lot of other fun things in the works for coming up for you.

There's going to be a joint episode with Amy and April of the very popular, very cool Shameless Sex podcast.

There's going to be an interview with Adam Darrow, the author of the memoir Seek the Risk, which is a story about how he had to release all of his male ego in order to enjoy a relationship with a fabulous man, non monogamous woman that he fell head over heels in love with and a lot more.

So keep listening, come back, email me your advice questions, email me your thoughts comments if you haven't already.

Please rate and review the show wherever you're listening and thank you so much for your support.

Pinecones Production on season two is well underway.

Hopefully I will have a launch date to announce to you very soon, and until then, stay saucy.

Love ya.

We all got secrets.