[00:00:00] Hazel: Hello, I'm Hazel Showell. I'm a business psychologist who coaches execs and founders to navigate the messy stuff of life, from selling a business, the loss of something or someone important, [00:00:15] to repairing relationships and restoring confidence. And I've been doing it for 30 years. Welcome to Endings.

[00:00:23] Walter: When you spend 31 years searching for someone, That almost [00:00:30] becomes part of, in a way, your identity and who you are.

[00:00:33] Walter: I'm someone searching for someone, searching for someone.

[00:00:36] Hazel: In this episode, I'm speaking to Walter Hubley. who spent the best part of 30 years searching for his biological family. [00:00:45] This is a story of identity, of what it means to belong in a family, how you define family. And after you hear from Walter, I'll explain why.

[00:00:56] Hazel: But first, let's go back to the beginning. [00:01:00] Walter was born in Boston, Massachusetts, in the United States.

[00:01:05] Walter: I was born to a young unwed mother who, uh, unfortunately was in a circumstance where she didn't have the support or [00:01:15] capability to care for me. So I was placed into the New England Home for Little Wanderers, which is, uh, I believe one of the oldest, originally started as an orphanage in the United States.

[00:01:26] Walter: And through that organization, I was placed into foster care. [00:01:30] I was placed with Edgar and Ruth Hubley. They were just amazing people and, um, one of the luckiest people that I know as a result of, you know, their care.

[00:01:40] Hazel: The fact that Walter was adopted was something that he knew from the beginning. It was part of [00:01:45] everyday life. As he got older, Walter became curious about who his biological family were.

[00:01:51] Walter: Over time, you just start to, you know, ask yourself some questions. I sometimes metaphorically describe it as, It's like there's a box on the kitchen table and you're [00:02:00] walking by it every day and it's really hard to just be curious what, what is it, right? I mean, as you get older, you see people around you who explore their backgrounds and embrace their heritage. And in a home like mine, there was no real single [00:02:15] background. We were people from all walks of life and we just, you know, thought of each other as family and we were a family. As you get older you start to think about these things and people start to ask you about these things as they get to know you and that just led to some natural curiosity.

[00:02:29] Hazel: Walter [00:02:30] decided that he wanted to find some answers to the questions he was being asked about his background and heritage. On his 18th birthday his older sister was able to give him just some information to start with and from there he [00:02:45] started reading books on how to locate people, he was able to find some information by petitioning the courts. And after five years of sleuthing came a major breakthrough. He found his maternal grandfather.

[00:02:59] Walter: I, [00:03:00] um, just picked up the phone and said, hello, my, my name is Walter Hubley. I'm trying to locate somebody and gave him the name. And he responded back to me saying, what is this about Walter? And I said, well, [00:03:15] I don't know how to really say this beyond just to say it, which is, I think she's my biological mother. And he said, uh, when were you born? And I told him, and he's like, well, she very well might be. Give me your name and phone number and I will have her call you. And the call ended [00:03:30] immediately after that. That was actually the only time I ever spoke to him. Uh, and you know, family members have told me that they were surprised that he even accepted my call.

[00:03:40] Walter: You know, it was a challenging situation, but. Yeah.

[00:03:44] Hazel: And how did that [00:03:45] feel?

[00:03:47] Walter: I guess I, I did my best going into it, not to set too many expectations, but that said, it was, you know, fairly terse conversation to say the least. So, um, but a few days [00:04:00] later I ended up getting a phone call and it was my biological mother and we, uh, you know, we had a conversation and, and in that conversation. You know, we talked about our current situation, where we were and, and then we [00:04:15] sort of said, you know, she said, well, you know, what, what are your expectations? And I said, you know, I just thought we could get to know each other. And if we both felt like we were someone we could call friends, then I'd like to be friends.

[00:04:28] Walter: And that's how I'd like [00:04:30] to start. Um, yeah, the communication over several months eventually, you know, where it was mainly letters, you know, written letters as well as photos and so forth as I started to learn. And I learned that I have two [00:04:45] siblings. And then over time, you know, I started to, you know, have a interest in connecting up with them and, you know, again, and out of respect for her privacy, for whatever reasons she has, um, she wasn't quite ready for that. And. So I waited [00:05:00] a little while and, and then, you know, I'd say after about a total of 10 years, um, and noticing that her communications were starting to dwindle away and she wasn't really reciprocating very much. I sort of took the hint now [00:05:15] having found her, it was within days that I actually located both of them as well.

[00:05:19] Walter: So I had their contact information pretty much from the start of when we started communicating. And, um, I guess after 10 years, I decided. That I'm just going to reach out directly to them. [00:05:30] And it was a tough decision to make. And it was one of those situations where you dial the phone number almost about 15 times without that last digit thinking, am I really going to do this? And

[00:05:40] Hazel: yeah,

[00:05:41] Walter: and so I did and I contacted my sister. [00:05:45] Uh, first, and then her and I, you know, started communicating and she actually told me, she said, I kind of, she goes, I think I called her and said, you know, I, you don't know who this is, but you know, my name is Walter and I'm wanting to reach out to, and she said, I kind of think [00:06:00] I know who this is. I thought that was interesting. And, and I said, I explained who I was and she said, yeah, my mom mentioned this years ago, but, and mentioned your name, but I never got your full name or, or any other information than that. [00:06:15] And she said, but my brother doesn't know yet. And so her and I, I went down to visit her and.Yeah, her and I have a, you know, I had started a really good relationship and it was a, it was a very interesting experience. I should also maybe go back [00:06:30] and say that, um, amidst my letters and, and phone calls with my birth mother, I did get on a visit one time. So I took a road trip and it was around then when I took the road trip down to go meet her for the first time, I [00:06:45] actually felt like I had to explain to my parents that I had located her just to, you know, cause I hadn't really gone on a road trip like that before.

[00:06:53] Walter: And when I did, um, I was really kind of concerned about how they might feel about it and want it to be sensitive to that. And, and [00:07:00] my mom basically said to me, she goes, I've always, I've often wondered how she was doing and, and if she was okay. And when you see her, please let her know that I've been thinking about her.

[00:07:11] Hazel: That's huge hearted.

[00:07:13] Walter: Yeah.

[00:07:14] Hazel: [00:07:15] So you started to build a relationship with your sister. What happened with your brother?

[00:07:22] Walter: Well, I learned that she hadn't told my brother about me and she had her reasons for that. And, you know, [00:07:30] we tried to. You know, give it more time and wait for her to make the introduction. But then after a year or two, I think it was about two years, there was an interesting intersection of events that were happening.

[00:07:43] Walter: So I live in Quincy, [00:07:45] Massachusetts, and. They were all traveling up to Quincy, Massachusetts to attend a wedding on a Saturday night. They were going to be staying a mile from my house at a hotel. Ironically, [00:08:00] this is the same hotel where my wife and I were heading out to a wedding of one of her friends and we were scheduled to drop off the bride and groom at the same hotel right around the time that they were going to be Getting back from their wedding. So there were two weddings happening on the same day [00:08:15] that we were all attending and we were all destined to be in the lobby of the same hotel at about the same time. And given that situation, my sister's then husband, um, just decided to take my brother aside and just tell him. That you have a brother, he lives [00:08:30] here in Quincy and he wants to meet you. I understand he was, you know, a bit surprised, which anyone would be.

[00:08:37] Hazel: Yeah.

[00:08:38] Walter: And, and then, but we ended up arranging, uh, to spend the day together the next day while they were still in town and before they had to head out. [00:08:45] So, uh. Yeah, it was quite an experience getting to know everybody. I mean,

[00:08:49] Hazel: talk about serendipity, good grief.

[00:08:51] Walter: Yeah, I mean, we haven't been hard about whether or not to make the connection, because, you know, we wanted to give my birth mother a little more time to [00:09:00] consider it, but then when that circumstance came up, you know, things just happened. That's how it came together.

[00:09:08] Hazel: But then, you know, you'd given it ten years, that's quite the patience.

[00:09:14] Walter: Yeah, I [00:09:15] mean people around me kept saying you should just contact them like just just contact them it's never gonna happen and I just wanted to give it time and be respectful and But then it hit a point where I started to think about all the time that was passing by and the opportunities that were passing [00:09:30] by And in fact, my sister and I, because we both, you know, realized how much time went by and things that we missed. We have a, uh, a day every year where we wish each other happy me and you day. And this is [00:09:45] to, you know, kind of make up for the other occasions that we lost.

[00:09:51] Hazel: I love that. I love that ritual where you can just pick a day, honour that day, you know, that, that represents your connection and it's [00:10:00] clear that that connection has been able to continue.

[00:10:03] Hazel: So, what about then finding your dad?

[00:10:09] Walter: So, there wasn't much in the way of information through the courts. [00:10:15] So, my understanding was that both families, both my birth mother and birth father's families, were In the military, they were stationed at a joint U. S. and U. K. base in Germany. It [00:10:30] was a brief relationship. They were both very young. So, he was informed about the pregnancy, attempted to step up and take responsibility and be a part of things, but was turned away by [00:10:45] my paternal grandfather, the grandfather that I first contacted when I found my birth mother. Very shortly thereafter, the family, uh, birth mother's family returned to the United States and, and then I was born. Now, [00:11:00] he, there was no indication that he knew that if I was even born or, or anything, he just knew that she was pregnant, but wasn't able to, uh, stay in touch. So they didn't really leave any contact information. And this was in a day where we didn't have social media and a thousand internet [00:11:15] sources where you could find and contact people. And, um, so, um, so he wasn't really given an opportunity to. To be a part of the situation, um, and, and potentially be a part of my life back then. And, you know, I [00:11:30] guess, you know, from, you know, conversations it's, it's, it's, it's a tough situation to be in. And yeah. And so I didn't have very much information over time. The laws had changed here in the United States and I was actually able to. Go to court and get my [00:11:45] original birth certificate. And I thought that was going to show the name of my biological father, but consistent with the story I told about him being excluded, uh, his name, there was no father on the birth certificate.

[00:11:58] Walter: So unfortunately that didn't yield very [00:12:00] much. I'll tell you, I, I. Hired private investigators. I went through the military's locator services and tried to get a forward, a letter to him. I searched every military database I could find online and, [00:12:15] and actually got to the point where I was making cold calls just to people who had the same name and approximate age and similar, you know, military experience. And sent letters and did all kinds of things just trying to track him down and to no avail. He had a very common name. And so that further complicated things.

[00:12:35] Hazel: Was there ever a point you thought you wouldn't find him?

[00:12:39] Walter: Yeah, yeah. I would say that point was Just a few years before I did, [00:12:45] and I started to wrestle with the idea that I may never be able to, to locate him and the rest of my family as time went by. And, um, yeah, so over, over the years of just not [00:13:00] being able to get anywhere, it was a little, little frustrating and a little disappointing. I did try a DNA test years ago here in the States and the, it didn't yield very much. I, it came up with a few third cousins and [00:13:15] some distant relatives and so forth. And so I, I thought I had explored that path sufficiently as well. Uh, but I had at some point kind of figured it, I didn't really stop looking, but it made it very difficult to keep going.

[00:13:29] Hazel: So how did [00:13:30] you keep going or why perhaps?

[00:13:33] Walter: Well I just, I kind of, I started seeing advertisements for other DNA and ancestry type. websites and databases and, and just thought, Hey, you know, it's not a ton of money, [00:13:45] so why not just give it a shot? Yeah. I didn't expect it to yield much and just

[00:13:49] Hazel: everything else you've done.

[00:13:51] Walter: Yeah. Yeah. And so I just gave it a shot and, um, was waiting and. That eventually got the results back and lo and [00:14:00] behold, there was a first cousin that popped up on the list and this first cousin had a, what I would say is a fairly distinct name. And so I did a quick search online and found that she has a Uh, [00:14:15] consulting company in, in England and, and immediately search the website and found her assistant's name and sent off an email basically indicating that I'd been in a search for somebody for about 31 years. And, and that this [00:14:30] person's name came up in my search and was hoping to be connected up with them. So I could, uh, you know, they could possibly help me in my search and provide a little information about myself. So they, you know, the person, their assistant knew that I, you know, it wasn't just kind of scamming or trolling or [00:14:45] anything like that. And, um, and then I call during when I woke up the next day, I tried calling the number that I found on the website and got in touch with her assistant and her assistant said, yep, I got your email. And, uh, [00:15:00] unfortunately she's on holiday. So I forwarded it off to her and, and, uh, you know, she'll get back to you if she can.

[00:15:07] Hazel: And yes, hello cousin. It was quite the moment. I remember when Sarah called to say, [00:15:15] there's somebody on the phone. It doesn't seem like it's a scam. It does seem like it's genuine. Will you talk to him? And yeah. So the minute you said there'd been a DNA match and we were first cousins, it was [00:15:30] quite the moment, but all your, the story, everything racked up. I'm also born in Germany. We thought, hang on. Yes, it's, this seems absolutely right. And it just felt right. So, yeah. So from your [00:15:45] perspective, so you, you finally got hold of someone who goes, actually, I might know your dad. What happened next? Yeah. Tell us the rest of the story.

[00:15:54] Walter: Well, it's, it's hard to describe when you spend 31 years [00:16:00] searching for someone that almost becomes part of, in a way, your identity and who you are. I'm someone searching for someone. And now suddenly to get to the point where you might actually be near the end of the search that you [00:16:15] had just previously You know, kind of resigned yourself to it may never happening. It's a bit overwhelming and I appreciate very much, you know, how gracious you were in accepting my communication and responding to my communication and, [00:16:30] and just being so immediately welcoming, uh, I got very optimistic. About, you know, things coming to a final conclusion. And I just remember immediately calling my wife going, you're not going to believe what just happened.And I think I'm [00:16:45] very close. And, think honestly, none of us kind of knew what to think about it. It's just been so long. Searching.

[00:16:52] Hazel: Yeah. So what about first contact with your dad? Cause I know my dad immediately checked all the mental boxes [00:17:00] of the dates and the place and went, Oh, Oh yes, I'll go and talk, I'll go and talk to his brother. And then, yeah. So what happened when you first got in touch?

[00:17:10] Walter: So we, initially we communicated over email and [00:17:15] I think I kind of preferred that because, you know, going into this, uh, both when finding my birth mother and my birth father. I really wanted, I knew that it was quite possibly quite likely to be a [00:17:30] bit of a disruption in some way to someone's life.

[00:17:33] Walter: So I tried to be very mindful and very discreet and sensitive to that. And so I think starting off our communications over email, Helped me be a lot more measured [00:17:45] in what I was saying. And I could write it down and read it again and think, okay, hopefully this doesn't come off the wrong way and so forth.

[00:17:52] Walter: And so we communicated over the course of a couple of weeks over email, really just trying to firm up what [00:18:00] we believed, what, what I believed to be true. Uh, and he was very welcoming in it. And, and I learned that he immediately told his family and immediately told everybody and it, it was great. Word spread pretty quickly, but we both agreed that we would do a [00:18:15] person to person DNA test just to firm it up because again, very common name and big family and so forth. So, uh, we did that and he wrote that he would call me on once he got the results. Either way, we would talk on the phone. [00:18:30] And so I remember I, at the time my wife was working nearby at a dentist office. And I like to stop by during my lunchtime and bring her a coffee or something and visit with her. And I was in the way to, in the lobby [00:18:45] of the dentist office when I got the phone call. And when he called, he said, uh, you know, the test came back. It's good to talk to you, you know, on the phone. Uh, and I want to let you know that it's, you know, something like 99. 998 percent [00:19:00] positive that, you know, you're my son. And, um, and he, and he first, the first thing he said was, how are you feeling? How are you doing?

[00:19:08] Walter: He was very interested in how I was processing it and how things were. And, and we [00:19:15] spoke for a few minutes and, and then decided that we were going to start to communicate routinely. So we would have, um, video calls, uh, cause I'm here in the United States in Quincy, Massachusetts, and he's over there in England.

[00:19:28] Walter: And so we had video [00:19:30] calls once a week and just spent about an hour and a half. Or so on each call, just getting to know each other and asking questions. And, um, you know, I had some questions around the, the scenario and the situation [00:19:45] and it, and what he told me very much lined up with what I was told. And I had learned over time and, um, yeah, I mean, I was glad I was able to find him and give him the opportunity to decide to what [00:20:00] extent he wanted to, you know, have the relationship and, um, It's frankly been a, a very, a very amazing, quite frankly, amazing experience.

[00:20:09] Walter: And, uh, when he called me the first time, he said, my wife, Alison basically said, [00:20:15] if this DNA test doesn't come back positive, there's a problem with the test because he had let her read all of our communications. And she told him, like, you, you got, you both write exactly the same way. You both talk exactly the same way, you know, that I wrote the way he spoke. And [00:20:30] I found that quite, quite interesting. And that really goes into sort of my thoughts about, you know, nature versus nurture and, and how all that. collides or comes together.

[00:20:42] Hazel: Spooky, isn't it? Really? All those [00:20:45] layers of, of learned values and behaviors that you clearly share with your adoptive parents, the parents who raised you versus the DNA, the kind of inescapable family of where you belong.

[00:20:59] Walter: Yeah, my, [00:21:00] my, my mom used to humorously joke or humorously say, let's say, sometimes I wonder where your dad was when you were conceived because you're so much like him. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know necessarily. She was trying to compliment me at the time, but I took it as a [00:21:15] compliment.

[00:21:17] Hazel: Well, you know, and it shows this is the complexity of families and families, however they're constructed. Um, what I particularly noticed when you talk is that, you know, you talk about the, brothers and sisters [00:21:30] you're raised with are just as much your siblings, your brothers and sisters, as your, um, half siblings from, on your mum's side and also on your dad's. So you've, you've suddenly acquired all these extra, extra siblings. How, how has that been?

[00:21:46] Walter: Well, I, you know, I sometimes I would say that, um, I don't so much have a family tree as much as I have a family vine, because it seems to sprawl out in many different directions, and I [00:22:00] think all of it really informs. Who you are and, and what you become. And it, it has, it plays a, a factor in everything. So, yeah, it's, uh, it's been an experience. I'll, I'll say that the, my, [00:22:15] uh, adoptive family has been tremendously supportive and welcoming and, and understands my motivations for why I did my search. And they, they've been very, uh, very, very gracious about it and, and thoughtful and, and [00:22:30] likewise, um. My extended family through my birth mother's side, my siblings and their dad and extended family there have just been wonderful.

[00:22:38] Walter: And in fact, we, for years, we're vacationing together and we're visiting each other and, and they did, [00:22:45] uh, one of them just recently came up. Um, my siblings, dad came up and spent a couple of days, spent a week at our house while visiting New England. And, uh, it's been a really, a really great experience and likewise. So, and on my birth father's side, [00:23:00] I have three siblings. So my dad, David Hughes, him and his wife, Alison adopted a son and. Then a few years later, had two, two girls. So I have a brother and two sisters over in England. [00:23:15] And then of course yourself and the rest of the rest of the family.

[00:23:18] Hazel: So many cousins.

[00:23:23] Walter: You mentioned earlier that. I was the way I was very, you know, cautious and respectful and discreet. [00:23:30] And that was out of just an abundance of caution, realizing that while this was something I wanted to do, that it was no doubt going to be disruptive to other people. So I was constantly fixated on how do I accomplish what [00:23:45] I want to do? And what I want to accomplish while minimizing negative potential negative impact that it could have on other people's lives. And in particular, I didn't know if my biological father was married, if you know, [00:24:00] had kids and didn't know his family situation. And so I wanted to make sure that I got to him.

[00:24:08] Walter: In a shorter distance as possible so that, you know, he had the option as to, to what extent he shared that information [00:24:15] not to, you know, he event, he immediately shared it with the entire family. And then it's like wildfire and yeah, and then things progressed. And, and, you know, I guess I've been surprised along the way about a number of different things.

[00:24:29] Walter: In [00:24:30] particular, I think in general, what surprised me the most was how, um, welcoming and accepting that my biological father, my dad's family was, I was just, [00:24:45] I think it's, it's not because I didn't expect people to be. Accepting or kind, I just always focused on trying to not be disruptive or to be a problem and it was an incredible relief when I was accepted so well [00:25:00] and, you know, I would say in particular, um, so my dad's married to a very wonderful woman, Allison, and, um, Um, it actually took me some time to kind of process that relationship because she was among the people that I [00:25:15] was sort of most concerned about not being disruptive to, but I have to tell you, she has just been amazingly kind and accepting and. Just that experience, you know, [00:25:30] I was I was experiencing this this person in this building this relationship and every time every so often I found I had to excuse myself from the room just to kind of process how I was feeling and really what I was feeling was just being really accepted and really [00:25:45] welcomed and Knowing her, like I know her now, I shouldn't have been surprised had I known the kind of person she is, um, but that, that is the relationship that's kind of, uh, surprised me the most and, um, and I'm very [00:26:00] thankful for it.

[00:26:01] Walter: And likewise with my siblings, they, they've all been very. Accepting of the situation and I, I remember we, on one of my visits, we all went out and got a pint at one of the local places and [00:26:15] when we sat down, they said, Oh, we looked at your social media. We didn't need a DNA test. They said, yeah, it's, it was pretty clear and, and, uh, you know, obvious and. And I, and I did speak to my dad, uh, [00:26:30] about, you know, that I was coming on and, and speaking with you on the podcast. And as you say, there's sort of, uh, things people have in common. I found him and I both have the same dry sense of humor and very similar [00:26:45] delivery and, and so forth and. And when I mentioned I was going to be going on this podcast and I asked if it was okay to mention his name, he said, well, I do have one condition. You have to, you know, introduce me as being devastatingly handsome. [00:27:00]

[00:27:01] Hazel: All right, Uncle David.

[00:27:04] Walter: So then I immediately said, I said, well, you know, if my photo is included in any of the press materials, people will just assume that anyways. So, you know.[00:27:15]

[00:27:16] Hazel: Isn't it amazing after the things that can become the focus after so many years of these big almost existential questions, and then it's almost how you come to terms with having the answers and [00:27:30] figuring out that you were absolutely welcomed and wanted and missed without knowing you were missing. It's, it's a, it's an interesting point and that's the bit where.

[00:27:41] Hazel: We were hoping that people could see that there's a, [00:27:45] yes, of course, there's risk. And I think you were that caution of thinking about other people's feelings, because it is huge. As you say, it's a huge step and we can't minimize the risk for some and you experience it yourself. It's, it's not a [00:28:00] straightforward and sometimes the only way to say things is, well, this is what I think.

[00:28:04] Hazel: Can I explore whether that might be true and be okay that you are risking your heart. you're risking somebody, even if it's true, not being able [00:28:15] to process it. I think, thank goodness you had a fantastic end to your story in terms of the, the end of your search. I mean, hopefully a whole new beginning about figuring out your [00:28:30] slightly chatty and also thoughtful members of your family over here in the UK.

[00:28:37] Hazel: And that'll be fun.

[00:28:39] Walter: Yeah. And, and it's, uh, it's been an opportunity to learn a lot. You [00:28:45] know, I'm beyond the, you know, the surface level learnings of, you know, culture over in England and learning how to actually use a kettle for a proper cup and, and different things like that.

[00:28:57] Hazel: I mean, come on, basics. You've gotta get this

[00:28:59] Hazel: I know. [00:29:00] No, I won't. A cup of tea.

[00:29:01] Walter: I was using just a pot to boil water. Go figure.

[00:29:04] Hazel: So that's my final question, I suppose, is through this process or through this experience. What do you feel you've learned about yourself?

[00:29:14] Walter: I [00:29:15] think I've learned about myself and, and as well as other people. And what I've learned really was more of an affirmation of what I had often believed, and those are a couple of things. And that is, you know, [00:29:30] people are complicated. You can't tell by looking at someone, um, and, and considering that that's a reasonable proxy for what they've experienced and what their situation is. We're all unique individuals. You never [00:29:45] quite know when someone's going through their, you know, longest day or their, you know, longest night.

[00:29:50] Walter: And likewise, you know, families are exponentially more complicated and,all of them are, every family has their [00:30:00] intricacies and it's, it's all gets a little messy at times. And you really can't know from the outside looking in, you know, what their experience is. And, and getting back to sort of like the nature versus nurture thing. I mean, I [00:30:15] remember growing up and having that be a question of, you know, are things nature versus nurture? You know, I, I think the, uh, blank slate social constructionists have it all wrong, but the one thing they have right is that your cultural [00:30:30] situation and your nurturing plays a role, but it plays off of nature. And so they're an interaction. And I think to the quick, to the answer to the question of nature versus nurture is yes.

[00:30:43] Hazel: Yeah, I agree. [00:30:45] In psychology, I always think that the one thing you learn is every time somebody, positions something as, is it this or is it that, you know, some kind of binary choice. The answer is always both. It's always both. So yeah. [00:31:00] Answers. Yes. And I love the fact that you said yes to the search. You kept going when it was hard and have said yes to exploring, being part of another messy, marvellous family. Thank you [00:31:15] so much.

[00:31:15] Walter: It's been, it's been a, uh, amazing experience and I think I, I'm still processing it pretty much every day and every conversation I have and learning more and yeah, I mean, I also, you [00:31:30] know, it affirmed to me that. You know, pardon the pun, but you find what you're looking for. And when I think about how I went into it and some of the preconceived notions that I had, you know, you, you can easily find what you're looking for. If [00:31:45] you go into it. With an open mind and hoping for good things, you will often find good things.

[00:31:51] Walter: And if you go into it concerned about things, you'll also find that too. And so a lot of, you know, what we, what we get back [00:32:00] in life is, is what we're looking for. And then what we're, what you're looking for is in many ways. A filter over your lens, and it helps you either see or not see what's in front of you. And so by having, you know, an attitude of, [00:32:15] as I say, an attitude of gratitude and some unconditional acceptance of what happens. You tend to find good things and I think through doing that I was able to see all the positives and you know, I was careful about the potential negatives [00:32:30] and yeah, I think, I think the way you go into the situation very much determines where you're going to get out of it.

[00:32:36] Hazel: Great outcome, but my, my goodness, a search and I'm not surprised. This will take a lot of processing, but that's, [00:32:45] that's why I loved having you on this show. Thank you. Thank you for your time.

[00:32:48] Walter: Thanks for having me.

[00:32:58] Hazel: So Walter talked [00:33:00] about finding what you look for and that reminded me of the basics of CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, because it's not what happens That creates the emotion. It's how you think about it. The [00:33:15] example I often give is if you are waiting for a really important interview and you don't sleep very well. So you wake up late, you've missed your train and suddenly you're standing on the train platform, a hot, sweaty mess thinking, Oh my [00:33:30] God, they're going to think I'm ridiculous. I'm really unprofessional. I'm so embarrassed. And you arrive there as a hot, sweaty mess. And of course, if people ask you, why are you upset?

[00:33:40] Hazel: It'd be because I missed my train. Whereas if, for example, [00:33:45] you stood on that platform and said, I'm human. I did wake up too late and maybe I'll set two alarms next time, but for now, let me phone ahead, let them know I'll be on the next train I can be. And I'll be there 20 minutes later and everything will [00:34:00] be okay. And then you arrive and you're fine and you calm exactly the same thing has happened. And what you might've noticed was that Walter constantly had to balance how he was feeling about his search, the [00:34:15] possibility it might not pay off and stay hopeful. So it was all about managing how he thought about it.

[00:34:23] Hazel: And that's all you can control and hope people meet you in the same spirit. and accept if they don't. [00:34:30] I talk about acceptance in Philip Dyer's episode, but Walter takes it further by thinking about the perceptions of the other people involved, the family who raised him, and the extended families of his biological parents.[00:34:45]

[00:34:45] Hazel: If you're searching for knowledge about yourself, well, it's your search. But when you're looking to connect something that's been disconnected, where it affects other people's lives, it might take a little more thought until you understand why. And since we're talking [00:35:00] about family, my sister, who is wise beyond her years, has a useful mindset for facing emotionally difficult choices. It's the, think about the three main options that could happen. Either it will be a spectacular success, it will be [00:35:15] just okay, or it'll be a total disaster. And can you live with all three? Walter did. And that courage to risk his heart paid off. He was determined to give his dad the choice that was denied him, the choice to be [00:35:30] in his life.

[00:35:30] Hazel: He didn't insist on connection. He offered choice and as a family, we chose the conversation we had when I first asked Walter to tell his story was he asked, well, what's the ending? Cause this all seems really positive. [00:35:45] It's a start, but of course something always ends to create a start. And for him, it was the end of searching. I also suggested it was the end of being missing, which I think blew his mind a bit, took him a while to think about it, [00:36:00] because he'd only ever thought of himself as someone asking to join a family, careful not to upset the dynamic. Now, as a systemic coach, we see things differently. Every system you've ever belonged to gives and requires something of you. You're changed by each one as you move from one to another. Each school Church, club, job, but the one system you cannot leave is your family of origin. We imagine systems that you [00:36:30] belong to, like the feather in the tail of a peacock. When you really know yourself, you can bring that tail up behind you and you can use it in threat or to lean into it for resources, but it is beautiful.

[00:36:44] Hazel: And it's [00:36:45] okay if some of the feathers are a bit battered and need a bit of attention, but yeah, that's what makes us all. It's the marvellous and messy human beings we are. But technically, the only thing you need from your biological parents is life. And they already gave you [00:37:00] that. What would be nice is secure attachment, healthy boundaries, strong moral values, and to feel seen, heard, loved, and accepted by your parents. But not everyone gets that. [00:37:15] Walter moved to the system of his adopted family, one that had a big enough heart, to foster 40 children and adopt two. Walter seems to have developed the same heart, his respect for others and his personal values all seem to [00:37:30] come from that system. And what he's looking for was knowledge of his first system to join what had been wrongly separated as we call it in systems work.

[00:37:41] Hazel: So whether we knew it or not. Whether we did or not, [00:37:45] he was always part of my family's system. He was missing from it, and now he's not. And I'm looking forward to getting to know him better. But I know that not everyone gets to know, or has the motivation and skills [00:38:00] to track down information for over 30 years. Some people get worried about what they'll discover. All's I can say is, just remember, it means nothing about you. What you do with what was given to you, what you [00:38:15] do with what was done to you is your choice. And yes, there are some aspects of genetics that are harder to shake that are part of us, but they are just part of us. And if you [00:38:30] recognize that you have still been given the gift of life, and in some families, the cost of passing on life is very high. So again, all I can say is don't waste it.[00:38:45]

[00:38:51] Hazel: My thanks to Walter Hubley for sharing his story. I hope you enjoyed this episode of Endings. And meeting my cousin, and if you'd like to share your thoughts, [00:39:00] I'd love to hear them. You can reach me at Hazel Showell on LinkedIn or Hazel CS on X. I have a visual worksheet that can explain how to use that peacock's tail diagram that I talked about, and it's specifically for [00:39:15] listeners of this episode.

[00:39:16] Hazel: It might help you to find the acceptance you need. In each of the systems you've been part of, and I won't ask for your details to get it. If you need it, you can have it. Click the link in a show notes to [00:39:30] download your worksheet. Now, if you'd like a copy, and finally, if you know somebody who might benefit from hearing about someone reaching the end of a long search. To find out about themselves, then do share this episode with them. [00:39:45] I'm Hazel Showell, and I hope you'll join me again for another episode of Endings.