This is a global player original podcast.

Be warned, it's Luanna.

And this podcast contains.

Contains me fluffing my words as usual.

It contains honest upfront opinions, rant spunts and general explicit content.

But you're here, you know you love it.

And we're buzzing because, ooh, I'm chucking things around.

She's throwing around the studio.

Not only is today Thursday Buzz, it's Thursday the 13th of February, which means that's tonight, Matthew.

Yes.

Is the big Galentine's night in, Right?

Are you joining us?

If you've got a ticket and it's Thursday and you like your little Luana drop on a Thursday, head now to everythingluana.com or Luanna Live and grab a ticket worldwide.

Luana fans are coming together.

Coming at ya for coming atcha.

Cleopatra.

Cleopatra for a beautiful big night in tonight.

We're going to be celebrating all things friendship, all things just gorgeousness.

Just love friendship.

It's Valentine's.

Some people are into it, some aren't, but we're just having our Galentines, okay?

And honestly, so much fun.

Get a.

Get a drink, get your mates, be on your own in your jammies.

We've got fun games, it's fully interactive.

We promise you one thing, it will be super fun.

It's gonna go off.

Get your drinks at the ready.

Get your ticket.

1.

Anyway, enough of that shy.

You are gonna see us tonight.

But also this is just a regular Thursday and we're here bringing you extra.

Extra runs, extra chats, extra confessions, extra.

Extra stories.

Extra you.

Shall we muff hunt in?

Oh, let's do it.

The emo's not on, by the way.

That's why we've not spoken to her.

Only because I am the emo.

So amazing that.

And we've gone on for quite a bit.

She's had to quickly nip off to have a very long large poo.

She's got to do a shite.

Right?

What's Jill saying?

Right, Jill, what you saying?

She says.

Hi, ladies, physio Jill from Australia here, originally from Manchester.

Just following on from the color a colorectal nurse incident with the guy whose friend shoved a bag of ready mixed concrete up his ass whilst his wife was away working.

This was an absolute belter of a story.

I am a physiotherapist and whilst I was working in New Zealand, there was a 14 year old boy admitted to the pediatric unit following a fiery bum hole incident.

He had been trying to outdo his friends during a light the Fart competition.

My Brother and I used to do this.

Yeah, but.

And you know what?

You always wear a pair of jeans doing it because it sucks back.

Right.

This is what gets sucked back.

Like, my brother always taught me this.

We'd be on our beds.

Yeah.

With our legs over our heads.

With a.

We'd nick a lighter up my dad.

And then you'd fart with a bare bum.

But if you didn't.

Yeah.

So you.

My brother always told me to wear jeans as, like a barrier.

That's what he told me.

Anyway.

Well, anyway.

So.

Guys should have listened to.

Well, here we go.

He'd be trying to outdo his friends during a light the fart competition by shoving some butane gas up is like.

I mean, you never did that.

No, he never did.

But you never put butane gas up your.

Did you?

We would get a can of links and then you fight.

Light the fart and then spray the links at the same time.

It's like a flamethrower.

I actually have never done that.

I don't know what I'm saying.

Yeah.

I mean, this is the joy of.

Yeah.

Having two very rogue brothers.

When he lit it.

Whoosh.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

He must have initially thought.

But some of the gas was obviously still inside.

And he.

I heard this.

I heard this on the great vine, Lou.

The great vine of childhood.

And he burnt his whole rectum from the inside out.

I told you he need jeans.

He did.

Barrier.

Yeah.

But look what happened.

He too needed to be.

Oh, my God.

I mean, this is life.

He needs to be fitted with a.

One moment can change your life forever.

Right.

With a colostomy bag.

I'm sure she's.

Yeah.

Ilostomy.

No, colostomy.

Colostomy is the wee wee.

Know.

And elostomy is the poopy.

I don't know.

I basically had to be fitted with a bag because he burnt his asshole from the inside out.

He couldn't do it himself.

What the actual f.

She says boys can be such twats.

Wonder what excuse his mother came up with to account for little Johnny's change in circumstance.

Keep on keeping on, ladies.

Love you.

Bloody hell, mate.

I mean, that's reminded me to tell my son, never light your farts because we all know he's going to.

Yeah, he is.

He is a boy and he's Enzo.

And he will.

He's an Enzo child.

He just will.

Right, we've got a voice note ramp from Ellie.

Next.

Hello.

I just wanted to send in a little run to continue on from Louise's run.

About voice notes the other day.

Oh, sorry.

But why is it that when people send voice notes, in they go so.

Yes, yes, sorry, sorry.

I just need a.

And.

Oh, sorry.

I'm just driving my car and.

Oh, what is this person doing in the car?

Off.

I understand you're getting your five minutes of fame for your boy's note, but just say your point like it's not hard.

That's it?

That's all you want?

Point taken.

Done.

Bye.

Thank you very much.

I like.

I like this woman.

I'm.

I'm listening.

Taken.

Done.

Bye.

Lou.

I.

I promise.

I promise you now, Brownies honor.

We're gonna do the brownie salute.

I was never in the Brownies.

I don't know.

I still know that.

I promise to take note on that.

And you're quite kind actually, by not completely tearing me new arm.

Well, it's okay, I don't mind.

I can transcribe them now.

Can you?

Transcript.

The coughing and the.

And the faffing about.

Hopefully not.

Right.

We've got a message from Anon.

We've called you Giselda.

Please keep me anon and call me Giselda.

A few years ago, I took a temporary job doing some admin work at a local church.

It was a very modern church.

Think full band.

Oh, this is the type of church we like.

Anna, Alyssa, my cousin Joe, who'd be listening to this is in Uganda.

This is her bag.

This is her.

This is her bag.

This is the gospel.

Let's do it.

Think full band at the front.

Charming away.

Casual dress and a relaxed vibe.

This was her wedding.

Not your typical type.

Full of half dead old codgers and a vicar with a questionable past.

However, there were still a few old codgers hanging around and they were referred to as elders of the church.

Yes, these chaps oversaw most of the running and decision making, but to be an elder, they needed to be elected by the church congregation.

As part of the admin role, I was asked to send out an email news bulletin to the 400 plus congregation members.

Big church.

Announcing the date for the next round of elections.

In a rush and not proofreading effectively, I inadvertently sent an all singing, all dancing, beautifully designed email asking 400 churchgoers to vote for which elder they would like to win.

The elders erections.

The fact erections is a word and wasn't a typo.

The bloody email system didn't flag it as an error, so I happily clicked send.

Safe to say I didn't return to that job the following day.

Stop it.

She got fired.

Well, she sent an email about bonus to a church congregation.

What do you expect?

I mean, it's quite good.

It's quite good.

We like that one.

Let's hear from Jody.

Go on, Jodes.

Hi, girls.

Just a little live rant for you.

Just sat in Audi car park just on the weekly shop.

Thank you.

Love your work.

Love your work.

And I'm literally looking at a car with his hazards flashing parked in a parent and child space.

Does having your hazards on make it all okay?

Coming back to it, it's a man on his own carrying de icer.

Oh, what?

Like, what are you playing at?

Go up to him, Jody.

LOLs.

Anyway, love you both.

Bye.

So, Jodie, what he's doing is he's saying, I know I shouldn't be in this.

Yes.

But I'm so.

I'm just gonna put my.

My hazards on.

Not again.

Also, I haven't talked about Audi for quite a while.

I still have a big love affair.

You know, I've got into a new habit now with Elle.

I take L to her tennis on a Saturday morning and it's right near a big Audi, a good Audi as well.

And now we've got into a little habit of popp in there and Marsh.

Can I have the toys?

Can I have the toys?

She likes the middle island.

Yeah.

Let me tell you, I got 40 quids worth of stuff and I was overflowing that trolley.

Really?

Oh, it's just too good.

They've even got a fresh bakery now.

What is fresh bakery, Lou?

I don't believe it's fresh.

Petty Polly from Anon.

So what's Priscilla saying?

Right.

Hi, Lou.

Anna and Emo.

Absolutely adore the pod.

And first thank you, darling.

Wanted to thank yourselves and the community.

The community.

I love the community.

Listening to the podcast and joining the Luana Facebook page, which now has over 40,000 members.

That's a lot of people, mate.

Is a lot.

Has really changed my life.

Which sounds like an extreme claim, but it's true.

It's taught me so much about self value.

Oh, good.

How to stick up for myself, care for myself, and to know how to be valued and treated.

Lou, high five.

Our job is done, my friend.

When I have been too scared to stick up for my needs and boundaries in the past, Luana Tribe and Episodes has given me the tools and support I have desperately needed in my life.

That really, really means a lot to us, you know.

Thank you.

So loving you and all that jazz is an understatement.

I'd like to remain anonymous.

So a Glorious granny name would be appreciated.

Now in a true Anna form.

Let's muff hunt in.

I'm hoping this counts as a petty poly as I'm not just an insert appropriate word, but it gave me satisfaction nonetheless.

I was in a three year relationship with who I thought was my forever partner.

We ended up having to move in together sooner than we had light due to the pandemic.

All was fine until things started to take a toll out of us.

Him working from home, me being a key worker and also doing my bachelor's degree.

I mean mate, that was a lot of pressure.

We had drifted apart and the relationship was rocky and I think we would have parted ways regardless.

However, this charming gentleman took matters into his own hands.

There's a lot of bits missing in this email because 3 years of events is a lot to type.

So I'm just skipping to what led me to be a poly.

After Covid had settled and we were polls over after Covert has settled and we were allowed into the world again, my best friend had her hendo.

Then halfway through my evening I get a text.

Yes, a text.

Breaking up with me and asking.

Three years, that's well rude.

Couldn't have waited till the next day or even by person, what a.

I mean it's pretty bad.

I even I started my banana.

I know me in disbelief.

He knew where I was and what I was doing, so decided this was the evening to do it.

So the following week whilst he was at work, I took all of my belongings and furniture that I had paid for with my student loan.

Only fair, right?

Yeah.

Of course I never heard from him again until two months later his friend pops up in my Facebook messages showing me my ex had proposed to someone two months.

This someone being a woman, he said he was only friends with.

That old chestnut, eh?

A few weeks passed and the estate agent added me into an email chain between him and my ex, with him trying to get the whole deposit from our old rental flat so he could move into his new place with his new lady.

I could have let it go, could have just agreed.

But I was kicked out mid bachelor's degree on my best friend's hen and clearly had been cheated on for quite some time.

For him to know no already to now already be engaged.

So I chimed in, requesting my half, which he didn't like at all, and rang my mother.

Context, we are both in our 30s.

He rang her mum up.

Yeah, like whinging.

He's a right needle, do you know what I mean?

And it's the only word Isn't it?

From last week?

And he was crying.

Not that my mum gave a flying F.

He still owed her money for paying off debt he'd put us in by forgetting to pay some bills and was angry that he had been cheating on me.

He was adamant with her that he'd never cheated.

But it all seems extremely fast, if not so.

Anyway, so I received half of the deposit and hopefully caused a great inconvenience.

The new happy couple.

I left him with a very empty flat when I left.

Love to you all anonymous.

I think that's a justified.

Oh, yeah, you only got justified, petty.

You only got out what you put in.

And that's not to mention the emotional toll that he put on you.

So.

Yeah, and let me tell you, honey, that relationship was going on way longer than two months.

100%.

Victor.

Victoria is runting next.

Oh, she's down.

Have a problem with can openers or is it just me?

I have gone through so many can openers, I cannot even begin to tell you.

I.

All sorts of can openers.

Lucky one seems to open a can.

Have I lost the knack because of the ring pool?

Have I lost the skill of opening a bloody can?

Because right now I'm trying to open.

A can and I tell you something, it ain't opening.

Oh, this can open.

I can shove it somewhere.

But you need the can open to the can anyway.

Am I the only one?

Is.

Is.

Is this a dying skill or our can openers just now, please.

Is there an answer to this?

Thanks.

Can I just say, what you need is an Oxo can opener.

Oh, the brand.

Yeah.

Oxo.

They do them in Johnny Lou, don't they?

Oxo?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that they are.

That's the, like, best kitchen.

They're the Louis Bowie of kitchen appliances.

Their peelers are exceptional.

When we were growing up, I used to think my parents were well fancy because we had an electric car.

Yeah.

Do you remember that?

Yeah.

Back in the 80s, my Nonna had one.

Honestly.

Electric can opener and a Soda Stream.

I thought we were so electric.

Salt and pepper meal.

They've gone out of fashion.

We didn't have those.

Oh, I really thought we were great to have them.

And then it's so annoying when you want to get something pepper and the batteries dive.

Just gone back to the.

The norm.

I'm standard on that one.

Yeah.

But that brings me back to.

That brings you back.

Right.

We've got a message from Jonah.

She says hi.

I love the pod and all that jazz.

Thought I'd write in with the minute with the minute chance of featuring on the pod.

Congratulations, Jo.

You're here.

You're here.

Welcome.

I listen all the time.

It never fails to make me laugh.

I have a semi serious question and maybe some life advice.

I recently quit my job in the police, which I'd done for seven years but couldn't find the love for anymore.

I decided to chase my dream and have managed to get into an apprenticeship to retrain as an emergency medical technician.

On the ambulance, I should add.

I'm 32 and I have three children who are 6, 3 and 2.

Wow, you're amazing.

My husband works full time as a police sergeant and as such, with my hours, which have increased hugely, I barely see anyone.

I leave the house at seven and I get home at six.

The guilt I feel is huge.

I'm following my dream to be something I want to be, but I'm leaving my mum and my husband to pick up the slack with the children and barely see them while I train.

Not to mention the overwhelming information I'm trying to learn and trying to pass assessments so I don't get booted off my course.

Honestly, I feel ready to give up.

Is it wrong that because I'm a mum I feel this unbelievable guilt because I'm doing this?

Should I be waiting for the children to be older?

Anyway, I'm sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but I thought I'd reach out as I love both of your advice.

No need to keep me anonymous.

My name is Joe and I'm from near Chelmsford.

I think, look, I think we're in a really interesting but also quite difficult time that just because women can have it all, I still don't believe that it's physically possible to do it all a lot of the time.

And I always kind of go back to the fact that, you know, parenting is a full time job, working is a full time job, running a home is a full time job and you.

Can'T have three full time jobs.

Exactly.

The maths don't add up.

The maths isn't math.

I think it's a personal choice and I think you need to really, really work that with you as a family and work out how that family dynamic works.

I think it's working for you because you say you've got your mom and your husband and it's just your mum do that.

And I think you should always chase your dreams and when you have got time, obviously you don't do this seven days a week is spend that quality time with your children and family.

Your children don't need to be with you 24 hours a day to feel like you're a good mum.

They don't remember 24 hours of the day.

But what you do need to do is when you are with them.

Yeah.

Is be a present parent.

You know, you're not the only working mum.

Spot on.

Yeah.

I have friends that are real high flyers and they'll be gone for like a week at a time and not see their kids.

And I think that if it's working with your family dynamic and the only thing is your mum guilt, don't feel guilty because for you it's a short term pain for a long term gain.

Your children remember, will idolize you, they'll look up to you, they'll see you working hard, they're going to see that you're achieving things and that you haven't given on up on life just because you're 32 and have three children.

You, you know, you're proving to them that you can retrain, redo, re, re, educate and, and still succeed.

And I think it's a good thing and I wish you the best of luck.

Yeah.

And I think as long as children are loved, they feel loved, supported, they feel stable, then you know you're doing the best you can.

Look, we, sometimes we have a choice, sometimes we don't have a choice.

And I think what is, what is hard for you is that you feel you have a choice.

Yeah.

And that's why it's not sitting so easy with you.

My, my.

I mean kids do need constant love, attention and support.

However it takes a village and if those needs are being met by their other primary caregivers, your mom, their dad, and they are also happy with that arrangement, then.

Exactly that.

The time that you are putting into the children, it's quality time.

It's no easy answer for it.

I think my advice would be just to keep reviewing it regularly and keep readjusting where you need to just to try and find that balance.

But well done, you're doing a really hard job on all accounts and there's always that.

I think there's always a cost, don't you think?

Yeah, I think there's always a cost.

And you will talk to every mum, you'll even talk to stay at home mums and they're gonna feel guilty like.

I could parent more, I could work more.

You know, I think I'm all like me personally, I'm always trying to find that balance between both and it's really hard.

I think my advice is Just keep checking in.

We can't forget just because we're mothers.

We're humans.

We have needs.

Good luck to you.

Good luck, darling.

Right.

We've got a message from Beth.

It's a pigeon update.

Oh, hi, Luanna.

I know you love an update, so here I am to enlighten you with the grand finale of my reluctant pigeon charity.

I'm the one who had Mrs.

Pigeon living in the stable with her horse.

I know you were so proud of my heartwarming change of attitude towards these flying flappy bastards, as I was after finding them intolerable as a Northern farm girl who is taunted by them while riding around the countryside.

Excuse me.

Anyway, just to let you know, after all my selflessness and patience, waiting for Mrs.

Pigeon to hatch her precious flappy offspring, I arrived one morning to find she'd suddenly disappeared.

I chose not to disturb the nest and kept my eye out for her return.

Unfortunately, and quite characteristically of fucking knobhead pigeons, that deadbeat slapper abandoned her poor nest and left her egglets to go cold and die a lonely death, motherless and neglected.

So, I'm sorry to say, Louisa, I've reverted to thinking pigeons are assholes who abandon their families and only think of themselves squatting, entitled bellends who continue to flap out the bush.

This has certified it for me.

Fuck you, Mrs.

Pigeon, you slag.

Hashtag die.

Pigeons, die.

I'm sorry, Beth.

I'm still loving pigeons.

Okay, I'm gonna sit on the fence.

On.

No, I'm not.

I'm not.

I'm not a pigeon fan.

I wouldn't go as strong as Beth.

So you think they're slappers?

I think a pigeon's a slapper.

Oi, pigeon.

Slap you slag you.

Slag you.

Yeah.

Never told anyone this, but number one.

Also, pigeons actually never wronged me, so I should probably pipe down about pigeons.

Have wronged me because they do FL out of bushes when I'm riding horses.

That does scare me.

And it scares the horses.

And then you always have to sit on the horse.

Fall off.

Right, my gorgeous Luanimo ladies.

We all need to hear that, right?

And lovely Lufanians.

Oh.

Oh, switch.

Can Louisa read this out, please, as Anna's voice sounds a bit like my mum's and I might have a nervous breakdown hearing her tell my story.

Okay, please keep me a non and give me a good 60s name.

Over to Louis.

Okay, I've never told anyone this, but we're gonna call you Sharon.

I think I was gonna say Sheila.

Oh, well, nearly.

We were Close to give you a bit of background first.

I married my childhood sweetheart sweetheart when I was only 18 years old.

He was my first love and honestly thought I was the luckiest girl in the world.

I had a beautiful white wedding with my three younger sisters as bridesmaids and my now seven year old brother.

Give him a 70s name.

Gary as Paige boy Gary.

Good choice, Leaf.

Fast forward nearly 10 years and it all ended in tears.

I knew it was over when I came home poorly from a night shift to find my husband in our bed vigorously shagging our neighbor.

No.

I was initially furious and stood there screaming at them, throwing stuff while they awkwardly tried to hide themselves and find their clothes.

Although I was angry, I still find it funny how quickly my husband's situation deflated Once he was caught.

I threw him out and that was the end of our marriage.

We divorced pretty amicably.

Pretty amicably a year or so later and as I'm a reasonable woman, I let him keep the car and I took on the mortgage of the house.

As I packed his stuff up for him to collect, I thought about it but didn't break his prize collection of vinyl records.

I did however, rub chilies into all his underwear onto all the buttons of his clothes and his spare car keys.

Like I said, reasonable.

The neighbor moved on pretty soon after and I got on with my life.

I'd never really done the nightclub going out scene as much as much because I worked shifts and we always had been happy to spend our time together.

So my friends arranged a divorce party weekend for me.

It started on a Friday at mine with a night in and gifts of condoms, a lady's razor, more on that later and a frankly slutty new outfit complete with my very first thong.

Oh, honey, I really do have the best friends.

Pizza and wine were consumed and once tipsy, I went upstairs with my razor and tended to everything as instructed by my girls who told me that their hip to hip hairy vag was no longer a thing of beauty to take out on the town.

I mean, that's a hairy vag.

That was a hair.

That's a hairy vag.

To hip.

Yeah.

Roll on Saturday.

And I dressed up in my new gear and I look like a million slutty dollars.

Yes, girl, I was totally going out with one thing in mind.

To find a shag.

He's on a mesh.

I actually found more than one.

Oh, oh yes.

There was an army lad that I shagged on a bonnet in a pub car park as a dare.

I'm not recommending this I mean, no idea what his name was.

And then later when I was totally hammered, as if she was then more hammered, I mean, I met a cute guy in a nightclub, we kissed and danced and as the erection section played, I felt his enthusiasm on my hip.

I whispered in his ear, would you like to come home with me?

Not recommending this either.

We got back to Martin and pretty much bonked for the next couple of hours.

He was incredibly eager and very wide eyed.

When I put the light on to proudly show him my hairless fanny, it was at this moment somewhat less pissed than I had been that I realized he was much, much younger than me and vaguely familiar.

What?

What?

He saw me looking at him, trying to recall how I knew him and then said, I thought it was you.

Cue penny dropping.

Not only had I managed to pick up a teenager, I had picked up my little brother's best friend from primary school, Gaza's best friend Anna, who had been allowed to come to my wedding to keep Gary company back in the day.

Obviously, yeah.

I was horrified and it pretty much killed the mood.

So I called him a taxi and I sent him home.

In the nearly 30 years since, I have seen this lad a few times at family occasions at my brother's wedding during his best man speech, he joked, who hasn't got a skeleton or two in their closet?

Firing me a wink.

Even now I'm 58, I'm always mortified at the thought of anyone finding out I love you ladies.

P S.

I did find my Mr.

Right in the end and it wasn't in a nightclub.

Oh, that's a cracker.

Oh, that's a corker.

I mean well done for like stopping that situation.

Well, she shagged him first and then she put the light on.

She bunked him for a few hours before realizing it was Gary's best friend, Sean.

Right, just terrible.

We love a confession.

We do.

Keep them coming in, you beauts.

We all just feel a lot more normal, don't we?

Lose we do because everyone has these skeletons.

Second one, My boyfriend lives with his parents, not an issue normally, yet something so awkward happened involving his mum.

And yet she doesn't realize.

So one night we were having a passionate session, shall we say lasting quite a long time.

Now the thing to notice that when I met said boyfriend, I didn't realize that.

Oh squirt, she's a squirter.

She's like Lou.

But oh my gosh, can, can I, I need, oh my gosh, can I, I need to use a bath sheet size towel every time as it's like the Niagara Falls and I don't want to ruin his bed.

Haha.

Anyway, we finish our love making.

When I get off the bed, the towel is so wet that you could wring it out.

Gosh, she really does go for it.

Lou, my boyfriend.

Well, it's pish, isn't it?

My boyfriend suggested he put it on the radiator in the bathroom to dry overnight.

Oh, I'll be a bit crusty, won't it?

Snap and go the next day.

And I take it in the morning.

As otherwise she actually does bring her own towel.

She does.

It would be in my weekend bag making it all wet.

She don't want her weekend back getting wet.

Babes with the old juice.

So the next morning I get up, go and do my makeup in the bathroom forgetting about the towel.

And as I'm stood there, his mum walks in talking to me about what she's up to today.

Chatting away.

I didn't realize that she had taken said towel off the radiator.

And as I turn to see her hands gripping onto my squirt soaked giant towel, she said, oh for God's sake, this tile is drenched.

Oh no.

In that moment I panicked and I said, oh, hasn't the radiator been on?

She looked confused and said no, she squirt.

I mean this is surely a world record, Lou, looking down at the wet puddle that had dripped onto the floor from the towel all night.

I mean you can touch in only fans she's pitched.

The next thing I knew is she'd squashed the squirt covered towel into her nose, did the biggest inhale ever.

I mean, never do it guys.

Her nostrils basically touched my cervix and said oh, he must have dropped it in the shower or something as it smells clean.

I was mortified.

I would have been proud that I don't smell.

That's it.

Oh no, that's it.

Well, that's it for that story and.

That'S it for this week's.

That is.

Wow.

Absolutely.

Have you got a story that can top that?

Are you our weirdo?

Do you have a confession?

Let us know.

Luannaverythingluana.com you can WhatsApp us 07452 double six 947 we would really appreciate you rating and reviewing us guys.

Sending us, telling other people about us to get them to listen.

You can go and listen back to all the old episodes and then tonight.

Lou, what's tonight?

Tonight is the Luana big Galentine's night in.

We cannot wait to see you there.

It's 8pm there's still time to get tickets.

Head to everythingluana.com or Luana Live and grab a ticket now.

We will see you later, ladies.

Guys.

Can't wait.

Happy Galentines.