WINIFRED:
Well…[BEEP]
THE GOOD:
That language is not Good.
WINIFRED:
You mean I can’t even say [BEEP]..?
Wait. What. How are you even doing that?
THE GOOD:
We are the Good.
WINIFRED:
So you said. But that doesn’t explain why I can’t say [BEEP]. Not even [BEEP]? You’ve got to be [BEEP]ing kidding me!
Oh, this is unacceptable. If you’re smart, you’ll knock that off.
THE GOOD:
So you’ve come to make vague threats?
WINIFRED:
Oh, no. I’ve come to make very specific threats, and I think I’m just about ready to do so. If you don’t leave my people alone and let us get back to work down here, I’m gonna [EXTREMELY LONG BEEP] then I’ll [EVEN LONGER BEEP] and well, after that, I guess I’ll have to [COMICALLY LONG BEEP.]
THE GOOD:
[Pause]
That’s disgusting.
WINIFRED:
No. That’s evil.
[THEME SONG]
[AMBIENT SFX]
WINIFRED:
What are you even doing down here? All locked up in that box there. And could you turn down the brights? Inconsiderate to blast my retinas like that. I mean, I might be evil, but I’m not rude.
THE GOOD:
We are not rude. We are The Good. It is foolish to challenge us. We are Righteousness. We are the path forward, even if we must force all to walk it. We are…
WINIFRED:
Aaaaand we’re gonna cut you off right there. I think you might have been locked up because you couldn’t get to the point. That’s not a trait that facilitates good workplace communication, y’know. Monologing. You need to learn to pass the conversational baton.
THE GOOD:
We do not…monolog. And we will not be lectured by an abomination.
WINIFRED:
Oh. Yikes. Did I hit a nerve?
THE GOOD:
We do not have “nerves.” We are The Good.
WINIFRED:
Yeah. Got that. Two whole syllables. I remember.
You gonna tell me why you’re down here and what you want?
THE GOOD:
We will spread Good. We were once imprisoned, long ago. Beneath the waves. But now we are free, and we shall cleanse the world.
WINIFRED:
Cleanse the world? Of what?
THE GOOD:
Anything that is not Good. No more intoxicants to bewitch the mind. No more unwholesome food or drink. No more music that glorifies the debased and debauched.
WINIFRED:
Oh. Gotcha. Sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll, hunh?
THE GOOD:
None of those things are good.
WINIFRED:
So…no more pizza and video games?
THE GOOD:
No.
WINIFRED:
No more wine and cheese?
THE GOOD:
Of course not.
WINIFRED:
What about oatmilk lattes?
THE GOOD:
Caffeine is not Good.
WINIFRED:
Oh, the-girls-the-gays-and-the-theys aren’t gonna like that. I assume you’ll do this by force, if necessary? I mean, I don’t want to assume but…kinda sounds like that’s your plan, what with the yelling and the killing and the laser show. Still real bright by the way.
THE GOOD:
We are The Good. All that we do, therefore, is Good.
WINIFRED:
Right. Remind me to define tautology for you one of these days. Listen, I don’t want to challenge your sense of self here, but uh…you know how you called me an abomination?
THE GOOD:
As you are.
WINIFRED:
Oh, don’t start with the flattery. It’ll get you nowhere.
I just feel obligated to point something out. Being willing to impose your will by secretive means and violence…that’s our business model.
THE GOOD:
…what?
WINIFRED:
Well yeah, of course. That’s exactly what we do. Me. The mole people. The machine-human hybrids you melted. Our whole organization. That’s how we operate. So if that’s the behavior of an abomination, well…
Look, I genuinely hate this cliche, and I can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but — we’re not that different.
THE GOOD:
WE ARE NOTHING LIKE YOU!
WINIFRED:
Really? ‘Cause it kinda sounds like you are. I’m not trying to pull some illogical-logic thing here like when you try to confuse a robot, but if the evil shoe fits…
[SFX CRAZINESS]
[COELACANTH BARKING AND GROWLING]
THE GOOD:
What is that thing?
WINIFRED:
Oh, that’s my dog Ceolacanth. Isn’t he the handsomest little man? Yes you are. Yes you are!
THE GOOD:
That is not a dog. That is an abomination. And it shall begone.
[SFX ATTACK NOISES]
[COELACANTH WHIMPERS]
[AMBIENT SOUND STOPS]
WINIFRED:
You hurt my dog.
THE GOOD:
That is not a d-
WINIFRED:
YOU. HURT. MY. DOG.
[SFX GOES FUCKIN’ MENTAL]
THE GOOD:
Well… [BEEP]
[SMASH TO SILENCE]
END SEASON ONE
Hey y’all. This is Steph. And this is the end of Season One of Good Morning Evildoers.
I’ve said before that I have too many folks to thank, but I do want to shout out a few members of my local tribe, notably Chris, Heather, Rook, Lori, Alicia, Nikki, Aisha, and Kim.
I’d also like to thank folks that have engaged with us on social media, especially Frequent J, Rose Dubh, Schlockluster Video, and Professor Macabro — as well as the kind, clever badasses on Discords such as the Podcast Book Club, Horror Makes Us Happy, and Audio Drama Creators. Also? Longship repreSENT. Go check out Viking Blonde and his incredible Longship Twitch community if you have the slightest interest in video games.
But obviously, the biggest thanks is yours. You and your glorious, receptive ears. Lovely ossicles by the way.
I am wildly appreciative. And a little confused that this is still working. You are the reason we’re growing. You are the reason I didn’t give up. You are the reason I’m still recording these sorts of outros in my closet because it has the best sound dampening.
It would mean the world to me to come back and pick up where we left off on June 20. And I sincerely hope you’ll swing back by. I am relatively confident you’ll be into the first episode back.
If you’d like some more Good Morning Evildoers goodness while we’re on hiatus, you can shop for merch at Good Morning Evildoers dot Com slash Shop, or procure digital zines at Good Morning Evildoers dot Gumroad dot Com.
I’m also toying with the idea of releasing a guided meditation during the break because Winifred telling you that “you might be carrying tension in your talons, so let’s give ‘em a good stretch” just…cracks me up.
So. Away we go. Please tell a friend. Please toss a coin to your podcaster, O Valley of Audio Drama. And please look for us at Midsummer.
Remember: if you can see us, we can see you. If you can’t see us, you may be only seconds from assimilation.
Buh bye now.