[00:00:00] My situation was interesting because there were so many moving pieces at the same time that in my state of frustration, I couldn't see the pieces clearly on the chess board, I was working with several senior leaders and I was a bit fixated on one in particular that I was convinced was my enemy and was blocking me at every term and my fixation on that person didn't allow me to see how that was tied into the other senior leaders who had even greater influence in decision making.

[00:00:38] Decision making for the initiatives that I had responsibility for. And seeing that enabled me to start to work with some of the other senior leaders who then were able to influence the one that I had been fixated on and they began to change.

[00:00:57] How they approached me began to change. And it was because of the relationships that I was building with others that were around their orbit.

[00:01:05] Welcome to Why She's Winning with your host Christie Rutherford, a master of office politics and self care advocacy. Christy's clients have received over 10 million in salary raises in a pandemic, surprised that women are still getting paid during these challenging times. It's possible for you too. You can have it all. If you believe you deserve it.

[00:01:27] Christy and her guest will assist you with that. Let's get started.

[00:01:31] Hello, hello, hello everyone. Welcome back to why She's Winning. I'm your host, Christy Rutherford. And we are here to talk about how women can get out of their own ways to get the life that they desire, and we're gonna get that money too.

[00:01:48] Today, I have my client Ashley on the line, and today we're going to be talking about office politics and getting the life that you deserve. Welcome Ashley.

[00:01:58] Hello, thank you for having me.

[00:02:00] So the work that we did together was iconic in my mind. So tell the listeners a little bit about what were some of the challenges that you were having and why you chose to actually do something different?

[00:02:14] Our relationship started because I was incredibly frustrated. I was frustrated with where I was in my career, the environment that I was in, the walls that I was running into, I was not happy.

[00:02:29] I was angry. And with every meeting I could pinpoint and finger point to who was preventing the success, why they were preventing the success. And everyone was in my way. I knew exactly what needed to be done, but was getting roadblocked at every term. And it got to the point where the person that I had become, I didn't like, because my theme at that time, if you all know the color purple all my life, I had to fight.

[00:03:02] Every morning. I wake up, all I do is fight. And so that is when our paths crossed and you were able to help me see that, that fight that I was doing all day, every day I was creating.

[00:03:17] Ooh. Yes, that's good. So let's dissect that a little bit, cuz I've been there, done that. And the thing about being one of a few women that look like us in the executive team fighting becomes normal.

[00:03:30] And I used to think, man, why do I have to fight you every day? You know, like, I get outta bed ready to go into Battlecat mode. One, how how'd it really fighting affect your quality of life?

[00:03:44] It affected it greatly because it was all consuming. Like I said earlier, I would wake up in the morning and with every encounter I was having, I anticipated how the fight was gonna go and how I had to prepare for today's fight.

[00:04:00] And that took a lot of energy and that was draining and I was exhausted at the end of every day. So if you imagine by the time I finally finished work, I'm too tired to do anything else personally, I just need to lay down and just sleep and have some whoosah. And so literally my life was consumed with work, because there was so much energy that went into preparing for the fight and then actually having the fight and then dissecting the fight afterwards and preparing for tomorrow's. And so it was just all consuming.

[00:04:31] Oh yes. That's good stuff. Because how many women are trapped in a battle that we think that we're winning Ashley and we're marking score, but we're really losing because we never stop fighting. And we expect to fight and that's a dangerous place to be in because how are we really going to live and be happy when anger is our normal?

[00:04:54] And always talk about how people say, if you would've called me an angry black woman back in the day, oh, you would've gotten the business because how dare you.

[00:05:03] Right and that's so true because at the same time I talk about, you know, I'm preparing every day for tomorrow's fight. I'm also, at least in my mind, I thought at the time.

[00:05:14] I am fighting against being viewed as that angry black woman. So while I'm actually being that person, I'm trying not to be that person. So I'm convincing myself that I'm not being that person, but I'm actually being that person.

[00:05:28] Exactly. Which is insanity. And we're going home exhausted. I think when it comes to leadership though, and we think that everybody has this magic carpet ride, or I would just say everybody else has this magic carpet ride. We're being harassed by these men and they're going home in peace. No, they're going home in chaos too. Everybody's going through something. And we just choose whether or not we're going to engage in the insanity. Tell us about when we started working together, what were some of the things that you acknowledge that was actually really going on?

[00:06:00] I had to acknowledge that I in fact was angry and, so I wasn't successfully pulling off what I thought I was pulling off, which was, I'm not mad, but I'm right. And I'm gonna prove to you that I'm right. That's actually the anger showing up. And this was a bit of coming to terms that I came to before you and I engaged because I listened to your story and I identified so much with some of the things that you shared in terms of how you were showing up and how you were feeling.

[00:06:35] And I felt that, that breakdown was coming for me. So it was like, okay, I need to sit back, take the hard, look in the mirror and understand what is actually happening here and what do I need to do to change course so that I don't crash and burn.

[00:06:49] So I think that was the first step. And then from there it was learning the breathing and getting control of myself and my reaction so that I could respond better and respond from a more calm space. And that sounds easy, but that was really hard. And you may recall Christy when it came to the breathing, I'm like, I don't need to breathe. I know how to breathe. What are these exercises? I don't need to do this, but those breathing exercises were everything.

[00:07:19] Magic. Magic.

[00:07:22] Complete magic.

[00:07:24] So let's talk about your, and really it's about self-awareness, Ashley. Because when I think about corporate, corporate has a language for limitations, I may write an article on that one day, they have a whole language in training, around limitations, and people talk about EQ and emotional intelligence from a clinical psychology standpoint, but people don't know how that really applies in their life.

[00:07:47] And that self-awareness, isn't a buzzword self-awareness is real. Earlier you talked about finger pointing, cuz you could point out everything that somebody else was doing to you.

[00:08:01] Get in my way and stop my progress.

[00:08:04] For years, everybody was against you and you had to fight every day and it was them. And I said a couple weeks ago.

[00:08:14] If your boss has to change before you get a promotion and you S H I T outta luck, because we're always thinking that one day somebody's going to change and we're doing nothing though. So when you talked about having a hard look in the mirror, Can you expand on that a little bit? Like, what does that really mean?

[00:08:31] Yeah. And so what that meant for me was like I said, I could point to and tell you who was doing what to get in the way and to extract me from getting to the goal that I wanted to get to. That look in the mirror was more about focusing on me instead of focusing on them and what am I doing and how do I need to change my office.

[00:08:52] So that I'm not so much focused on them, but more focused on what I'm doing to get to that success. And what do I need to do differently? Because what I'm doing right now is getting met with the roadblocks. So how can I change to maneuver around these obstacles?

[00:09:08] So let's talk about the look in the mirror, because looking in the mirror is not easy.

[00:09:13] What was the role? I think, or some of the questions in coaching, because everybody's not going to want to invest in themselves. And have a coach, I'm clear on that. Although I think that they should, but what was the role of coaching for you in really starting to get clear on how you were showing up? And I would say, you know, maybe what are one or two of the questions that I asked you that gave you the desire to really do the deep look at how you were showing up?

[00:09:43] Yeah, it was questions. I'm not gonna remember a specific question, but it was questioning along the lines of really seeing and hearing what people were saying to me in their body language, in the words that they used, what they actually said and what they actually meant. And sometimes that deciphering wasn't said more so than what is said.

[00:10:04] But because I was, you know, so anticipating the negativity I wasn't fully aware of and seeing what was right in front of me, which in many cases was support and people who wanted to get behind what I was doing, but because of how I was showing up. They weren't in a position to do so. And if I had taken the time to just step back, get out of my own way, listen for the cues that were in front of me. I would've realized that sooner and would've had success sooner.

[00:10:35] That's so good. Cause I remember it starting with an email and you would read it, and then you would read it again cause we're talking about the project.

[00:10:45] Boom. I would be furious. And then I read it again and go, oh, wait a minute. Okay. And then the third time it was like, ah, okay, now I get it. But yeah, it took some practice.

[00:10:56] And then when we got on the phone, I would read it and I would see something different. It's good because when I think about you were reading to fight.

[00:11:07] Yeah.

[00:11:09] You're reading to be rejected and to get ready to go into Battlecat mode and you didn't even see that the person was offering you support. You were already mad.

[00:11:21] I was in the defense as opposed to being on the offense. It made all the difference in the world.

[00:11:26] So now with that clarity, actually, I wanna go back to the breathing before we go down this. I remember when you talked about how you were being triggered, you stopped to breathe and you're on Zoom calls.

[00:11:40] Tell the listens about that. Cause I really want you to tell that story one, cuz it's hilarious, but it's so good because it just showed what everybody needed in the moment.

[00:11:48] I had been practicing the breathing, cuz like I said, initially it was like, this is silly. I can't do this. But I started to become aware of when that fire, that negative energy and fire, that negative voice was popping up.

[00:12:01] And when it would pop up in my head, I would actually do the breathing exercise. And so it was to one point, well, not even once, but in several meetings I would just say, okay, hold on a second. I need a minute, and I would literally do the breathing exercise in the meeting. And in some cases, particularly in meetings that I was leading, I would say, you know, what, can we just take a pause?

[00:12:24] And let's just breathe for a moment. And I would make it a group exercise so that I could breathe and that breathing was about me. And it was about me getting control. Because I could feel the negativity and the anger creeping up. And I was about to go into that defensive mode. And so literally doing that breathing with people, people began to respond and react to me differently.

[00:12:47] It was like, oh, okay. She's not angry anymore.

[00:12:52] Wait. I'm laughing because you sound real pleasant. You're amazing. But defense mode would be like this, what you just say to me, like, boom.

[00:13:04] It wasn't oh, I'm get ready to breathe. Oh, I felt myself getting, instead, you'd be like, wait, what did you just say to me? Like, there was a cuss word, you know, and you're in peace now. So I'm not trying to Drudge it up, but what to give a little bit of color to how it really goes down when people piss us off.

[00:13:24] Is you are ready to cut somebody and start just cussing. So the negative energy that you feel is when that's getting ready to come up and you be like, you know, I better breathe right now, cuz this is not gonna go well because you chose, I don't wanna be that person anymore.

[00:13:38] And I don't want that negative energy. Like I said, it was all consuming. And what I realized after the first day of really applying the breathing, really applying that step back and, listening and reading for what is there and not for what I expected to be there. I was not exhausted at the end of that day. And so I wanted more days like that. So it became a concerted effort.

[00:14:03] Yeah, I just wrote down peace is a decision, because you talked about earlier, you want to be right? But we're fighting to be right, but we have no peace.

[00:14:15] None.

[00:14:15] So what's the point in driving a Maserati or a rage Rover or living in a big house with the Gucci belt. If we crazy with no peace.

[00:14:27] True. You know, it's not always about being right, right? If you're right. And it's just you now, what?

[00:14:33] Yeah. You're not really right. And then I also wrote down peace as a new habit. You touched on that a little bit, that when you chose to breathe, that is a decision in a moment of internal chaos. And then you said, I went home and I had energy to actually work out. You're not wiped out drinking wine.

[00:14:56] Right. To actually have pleasant conversations with other people.

[00:14:59] Yes. And not complain about.

[00:15:01] And not complain about all the woes of the day and how these people are just crazy, because it was really me that was crazy.

[00:15:09] And this is the thing, Ashley, this is what we do. We fight at work all day. And then we get on the phone and talk about it all night.

[00:15:16] That is zero quality of life. I did it. So I know, you did it and now we're free and people can't call me a complainant. I don't wanna hear that. Tell the listeners about your new state of being. And I think how it's just really changed the quality of life.

[00:15:31] So now all of the energy that I was putting into preparing for another day of fight, I put that energy into really understanding and getting to know the people that I'm working with.

[00:15:43] And when I say people that I'm working with, it's not every single individual it's the stakeholders, it's the influencers. It's the people that matter that will help to get the goal accomplished and really understanding their point of view, kind of how they think, how they operate and building those relationships and alliances. So that together we're stronger

[00:16:04] Building relationships. There was a study that talked about how 90% of women who were in the executive suite had significant sponsor. Because you have peace and because you can actually hear people, you can build good relationships. How is that different from when you were angry? How did that stop you from building relationships?

[00:16:28] I think one of the significant differences were people who wanted to be my sponsors, but didn't feel confident in doing that. So they weren't giving me truth in terms of how I was being perceived, how I was actually showing up, because I think they too were afraid of telling me something I didn't like. And then I might go off on that.

[00:16:52] In a politically correct way. Right? We have that language of, let me get this right. Let me repeat back what I think I heard you say.

[00:16:58] And it's like ready to cut somebody.

[00:17:02] Exactly. So what changed was, as I was breathing and no longer using, you know, the code language that everybody knows is code language.

[00:17:11] People were willing to give me truth.

[00:17:13] Woo.

[00:17:14] And in giving me truth, they were pointing out the difference that they were seeing, which signaled to them that I was ready to handle the truth and then to take action on it. That was the most significant difference.

[00:17:28] Go one layer deeper on that, right? Because we are pointing the finger, Matt talking about how everybody's keeping us down, but look, Ashley, there are so many articles to support it and we can point to the articles that say, black women aren't being treated fairly, black women don't have the mentors and the sponsors, LA LA LA, but nobody's actually teaching the black woman to look at herself to say, how am I creating this?

[00:17:57] Yeah, we can go beat the drum all day and say, we don't have mentors and sponsors, but nobody's saying this is one, how you create mentors and sponsors, but two, this is what you doing, but they don't wanna be around you.

[00:18:09] Yeah.

[00:18:09] If people can give you feedback. Without you getting ready to set it off or they think you going, they gonna catch a case. Cause you're taking notes for defense .

[00:18:21] Copious notes.

[00:18:23] Yeah. Ready to file a complaint. How can they really tell you how you're blocking yourself? If they think that if they say it, they gonna end up in a suit. So you're just lost in the events.

[00:18:34] Yeah. And I think part of finding that peace. That self awareness. And that peace for oneself is I was able to have a conversation with these sponsors to say, here's what I'm working on. And here's where I'm feeling like their significant improvement. And that opened the door for them to say, you know what? I see it too.

[00:18:55] Woo.

[00:18:56] And here's a before example and an after example. And here's where I think some further development can help you get to the next level. I had advocacy in a way I didn't have it before.

[00:19:07] How did that change your relationship with the senior leadership team?

[00:19:12] Things got better. Things definitely got better. I was be being pulled into conversations that I had not been pulled in before.

[00:19:21] Access.

[00:19:23] Access changed. Access changed where I was knocking on doors to get time with senior leaders. They now scheduled recurring time on their calendar. So I no longer had to knock.

[00:19:36] Invitation

[00:19:37] Invitation.

[00:19:38] Woo.

[00:19:40] Standing time to the point where there was one senior leader in particular who said, you know what, I will meet with you every week. And I'm like, you know what? I don't need to meet with you every week. Let's start with every other week. So that was a very different place. Than we were before, where it was, I had to knock on the door and the senior leader would make time whenever I knocked. But if I didn't knock, I didn't get time.

[00:20:02] And for now, fast forward, a few weeks of this turnaround, and I've got an invitation to come up weekly.

[00:20:11] Relationship

[00:20:13] Relationships.

[00:20:14] Woo. That's good.

[00:20:16] That's so good.

[00:20:19] Hey, we need to take a quick commercial break. We'll be right.

[00:20:23] Have you been overlooked for promotion repeatedly, or think you need another degree to be promoted if you're working three times as hard as your coworkers and not being paid for it, join Christy for the Why She's Winning live virtual event.

[00:20:40] At this event, you'll get the keys to how Christy assisted her clients with getting over a million dollars in promotions, raises and bonuses in a pandemic. In most cases, they didn't leave their jobs. They just showed up differently. And that was enough.

[00:20:58] If you're ready to get Christy's secret sauce to success, register at WhyShesWinning.com. Your life will never be the same for the best.

[00:21:10] And we're back. What advice do you have for women who suffered the same condition we suffered? Cuz I didn't. What are two things that you have for them? What do you wanna say to them?

[00:21:27] I would say the first thing is start with self. Figure out what brings you peace? What's going to give you peace. And how can you show up without the mask? The mask was a standard part of my uniform.

[00:21:42] Ooh, that's good.

[00:21:43] A standard part of my uniform, coming out of our sessions I no longer need the mass because I can walk in the confidence of who I am and knowing clearly what it is that I need to be successful.

[00:21:56] And being able to articulate that in a way that is coming from the offense and not the defense. Which makes it receivable by senior leaders and they then create the pathways to ensure that the environment is right, so that we can thrive together.

[00:22:13] Oh, that's so good. So they're not against us, Ashley?

[00:22:20] No, I could afford if they were.

[00:22:23] That is going to keep us out the room. I mean, are you serious?

[00:22:31] They're not.

[00:22:32] I love this, which is why I have this podcasts because it's beating this drum in a cone with a conversation that's counter to what we've heard and what we believe. And you said access, invitation and relationship. Like, they want to be around us.

[00:22:52] They want our insight. They want to have conversations, but we too angry and taking notes for a case. Let's be clear. Nobody wants to be around somebody where you gotta walk on thin ice. Where if you say one wrong and then you see us writing. They be like, oh Lord.

[00:23:13] And to the point where I could have told you, well, on June 14th, you said.

[00:23:18] Yeah, you got a journal. You see that journal. They be like this, oh, you be like, wait it's December. And you be like, well, look, let me tell you something on June 15th, you said this. They like, oh my God.

[00:23:31] I can laugh at it now.

[00:23:34] Even this. Oh my God. Right. So now. They have to be very, very, very careful with their words and, think about it. You know, if the shoe was on the other foot, we don't wanna be around people where we have to be so afraid. It's like, don't bring them in here. You know what I'm saying? Like close the door, do not invite so, and so to this meeting, cause I just wanna talk, I just wanna realax at work. And I can't, if this person's in the room and I know they're taking notes.

[00:24:04] It's true. And it's such a good example, Christy because while I'm thinking about it in this moment, yes, I am there taking the copious notes. But at the same time, I'm saying, give me truth. Tell me what I need to do different. They're going, not me. Not today.

[00:24:20] You said the mask was a standard part of my uniform. And how many of us are walking around, melting in a mask and thinking that the mask is required? That's the thing, Ashley is that we thought that we had to wear the mask in order to get in the room. Talk to us about that.

[00:24:40] It's true. Like, I don't even know where to begin in talking about it because it was such a standard part.

[00:24:46] Like, you know, we have to, actually, there was a training, a diversity training that I went through where a instructor said, you know, as people of color. We have been studying white people, all of our lives. So we already know them. We know how they think we know what they're about. And so we show up with that knowledge of how to a assimilate that mask is part of that assimilation. It's not necessary.

[00:25:13] One of the things that I thought about after I left my career was crazy. Yeah, I was so crazy. Cause the game will exhaust you and it'll wear us out. And a lot of women are dying because we're so twisted or we have it all and we're miserable. And when I think about what people say we get mad.

[00:25:33] When white people say I don't see color, when I see you, well look, actually they don't because we're pretending to be like them to get their approval. So they really don't see color. How can you say, see, we get excited. How can I be mad when you say you don't see me as a sister when I'm acting like you? So you can like me, they don't really see color.

[00:25:54] You're right. It's true. It's true. When I say, when you ask me what the advice was, and I started with, start with yourself. If as people of color, we have been studying white people all our lives and are performing defensively for that. If rather than taking that stance, you can take the stance of this is who I am, and this is what I need.

[00:26:14] And can we just have a conversation about that and what those elements for success are in order to bloom. Those are the conversations I'm having now, which is why I don't need the mask because now I get to show up as me. I get to help them understand what it is to be me and how that flourishes and they are there to help it blossom.

[00:26:37] So let's talk about that a little bit, because I remember right. It was March, April when, you know, we had the racial uprising and everybody's angry and people are now receptive to have these conversations, but we kicking the door in setting a room on fire. Talk about, oh, now you're listening.

[00:26:57] You just do , you know, so. When you talk about having a conversation, I wrote down some people wanna have the conversation angrily, and then when you're showing up, cause we think, oh, now I'm gonna show up. We're so radical. And so damn mad. Let me just say it. When you do the work, Ashley and you become self-aware of how you've created it, you are at peace with yourself and now you can just take the mask off because you're at peace.

[00:27:25] Now you can have pleasant and productive conversations where you can actually hear them. And then they can hear you talk to us about that.

[00:27:38] It goes back to you think your mask is covering the anger and that you're showing up in a way that is not really showing how frustrated and angry you are. But what I didn't realize is that that mask wasn't covering anything.

[00:27:52] And as I said before, that's what was preventing them from giving me truth, because I wasn't able to come in and articulate in a non defensive way. What I needed, why I needed it, how it was going to be valuable for the company, how it was gonna protect the company. Instead, it was more of a, well, this is my title. I said, do this. I don't understand why y'all not stepping in line. .

[00:28:18] What's interesting. And if you and indulge for another five minutes, we'll greatly appreciate it is we think that, and I talked to a lot of women. And I'm looking at the, looks on their faces and they're like, no, I'm not angry. I'm like, yes, you are.

[00:28:34] I'm not bitter. Yes you are. And they said, well, they don't know. Yes. They do know you're so passive aggressive. I'm not passive aggressive. We don't want any label. And we're getting mad at defensive, but we're not hiding. You can't hide rage even with a pleasant smile. Are we really tricking anybody, actually?

[00:28:53] We think we are. Ourselves and believe in that.

[00:28:58] Yeah. Now let's fast forward, or we talked a little bit about the email and the conversations, and then tell us a little bit about your ability and to see the chessboard and the office politics.

[00:29:13] Yeah. So my situation was interesting because there were so many moving pieces at the same time that in my state of frustration, I couldn't see the pieces clearly on the chess board, I was working with several senior leaders and I was a bit fixated on one in particular that I was convinced was my enemy and was blocking me at every term.

[00:29:40] And my fixation on that person didn't allow me to see how that was tied into the other senior leaders who had even greater influence in decision making. Decision making for the initiatives that I had responsibility for. And seeing that enabled me to start to work with some of the other senior leaders who then were able to influence the one that I had been fixated on and they began to change.

[00:30:09] How they approached me, began to change. And it was because of the relationships that I was building with others that were around their orbit.

[00:30:17] You know, I tell people I'm a master at office politics. What is your take on that?

[00:30:25] You are indeed a master at office politics. There was an analogy that you used that I thought was so incredibly appropriate and it was, you know, Learning to become the puppet master.

[00:30:41] Yes.

[00:30:42] You can see the game. When you can see the entire board of what's happening, you then can orchestrate the puppet master so that you're no longer reacting to what people are doing, but you're feeding them the information that's needed in order to help get the pieces on the board, the way you need them to be to win.

[00:31:01] Woo. I owe you a trophy. I was looking for a puppet master trophy.

[00:31:05] What would that look like?

[00:31:07] I want the hands with like the strings at a puppet. And so one, one day I'm gonna write a book on office politics because the puppet master is the ultimate, cuz you're on the board. You at the first learn that there was a chess board board.

[00:31:23] That was one learn and acknowledge you're on a chessboard. Now two let's observe all the pieces on the chessboard and what are they doing and how are they reacting? And do they like you? Are they enemies? Are they advocates? Are they neutral? All these things, so now we have to label everybody and then it's okay.

[00:31:41] So whenever I wanna make this move, who do I now need to go to. To be able to create the result that I desire. So then that's another stage. And then as if this person is blocking me, what you just talked about, who do I now need to go to, to remove the barrier? Because if I can't influence this person, there are three other people who can. And then the puppet master is when a conversation comes up in the room, you fed the information of four different people.

[00:32:13] And they're having the conversation that you created and you're not saying a word.

[00:32:18] Exactly.

[00:32:19] Woo.

[00:32:20] Exactly. Those are the meetings before the meetings, the conversations before the conversation, so that when you get to the conversation, you really don't even have to speak because they're having the conversation for you.

[00:32:31] How does that feel?

[00:32:33] There isn't a word for it. It's it's amazing. It is absolutely an utterly amazing. It feels, there's no word for it. I can't explain it. It's like an out of body experience to go. Wow. Okay. That's a good use of my time and energy to have those conversations before the meeting. So that by the time you get to the conversation in the meeting, you barely have to speak.

[00:32:58] You wrote the script. So you just watching the script play out.

[00:33:01] Exactly, whereas before, the time and energy of orchestrating that conversation and how it needs to go and what I need to present. I'm no longer presenting. I'm literally orchestrating a conversation.

[00:33:17] Of which I don't have to lead it, meaning have the majority of the real estate of air time. I can tee up the question and the conversation ha happens at the right point, interject the right question, directed to the right person, or make up the statement and know that others are gonna jump in and chime in to push that train.

[00:33:38] And advocate to get the result that you want.

[00:33:41] Exactly.

[00:33:42] And look, we only work together for about four months.

[00:33:45] That's true.

[00:33:47] And I always tell people, Ashley, look, ladies, you have everything. Y'all just start working it properly.

[00:33:54] Yeah. I think the other thing too, Christy, that's important is. I have said a lot. And I hear a lot from people about taking credit for each other's work or I'm not getting credit from my work.

[00:34:08] Being able to orchestrate at this level to get to the end result really puts you, it elevates the thinking to a place of which is more important.

[00:34:19] Exactly.

[00:34:19] Getting the result and having the result of the win as a check under your name or having the credit along the way. And when I talk about orchestrating those conversations, it doesn't have to be my ass.

[00:34:32] I want other people to feel like it was their idea because when their idea, the light turns green. But ultimately when the light turns green and we go, it's on my watch. So I'm going to get the credit because it's on my watch. So they may be noted as, oh, it was their idea. I know it wasn't their idea. They know it, wasn't their idea.

[00:34:52] But that's a part of building relationships as a leader because now they feel good because other people in the room acknowledge them.

[00:34:58] You don't have to always say it was me. It was me. It was me. Why can't you share the win and you all win.

[00:35:05] Exactly.

[00:35:06] I'm so proud of you. That was amazing. Okay, before we wrap it up. I just wanna talk about your end goal. If you're willing to share you got a new role. Amazing. Because that's what happens. We're not chasing the money, but then let's talk about the love list.

[00:35:22] Are you willing to talk about the love list?

[00:35:27] The love list. So lemme say that no, I was not willing to talk about the love list. And so listeners. Christy is amazing. When I went to Christy, it was very specifically about my professional work situation and the anger that I was feeling and just helping me prevent myself from crashing into the wall and having an all out burnout. Early in the sessions, Christy says, okay, well, let's talk holistically about your life.

[00:35:58] How's your love life. And my immediate thought was, that is not what I hired you for. We are not going to have a conversation. It is irrelevant to what we are here to talk about.

[00:36:10] You sound bitter. That was me. Well, you sound bitter, I'm bitter.

[00:36:18] I'm not bitter. I'm good there. No complaints. When Christy insisted that I make this love list. So I listened and she talked about the love list and what needed to be on it. And so we met again and she said, Hey, so how's the love list going? I'm like, yeah, I didn't get to it. I had no intention on doing that love lists. But eventually I did the list because Christy would not let it go.

[00:36:44] And she explained holistically how you can't have one area of your life on track and good without all of them working in sync together. So I pacified her and did this list.

[00:37:02] And I did the list and then she came back and said, my list was not good enough. But clearly I had not done the work. I just wrote some things paper and she called me out on it. So I had to go back and actually do the work on the lists. And without going into all the nitty gritty details, what I can tell you is after doing the list. What? Maybe four months later I was actually engaged.

[00:37:30] Yes.

[00:37:31] And it was the list. I could say it was the list because was not engagement was not on my path.

[00:37:37] Nope. Let's wrap it up, Ashley. I mean, for me, one I'm super proud of you. Two, I didn't know that all of this has happened until, you know, I shot you a text, be like this, what you doing? Because for me, what I really want women to understand is people tell us that we can't have it all.

[00:37:56] And people tell senior women that we can't have it all. And we want the job so bad and we're fighting so much that how can you have a personal life when you're engrossed in work? And my goal for you was for you to have the complete life as we're wrapping it up. What does success mean to you today?

[00:38:20] Success it's peace, it's peace. And it's knowing it's having the clarity of knowing what it is that you want in every aspect of your life. And then having the focus to place your positive energy in achieving that and achieving it from a place of offense and not a place of defense. That's happiness.

[00:38:43] And would you have, you know, when we first started working together, would you have imagined before we came to the end of this year, that your life would be what it is right now?

[00:38:54] No. I had envisioned of getting to a better, more peaceful place, which is why I engaged with you. But again, I went into it looking at one slice of my life and get this one slice right. And the rest will fall into place. And what I got out of it was, yes, that one slice is important, but these other slices are equally important.

[00:39:18] And so the same effort and energy you put into that one slice, you need to put into the other slices so that at the end of the day, you've got that whole balance and that complete piece, as opposed to just a sliver of it.

[00:39:32] Yes, Ashley, this has been awesome. Thank you so much for spending your time with us today. Thank you for the information that you shared. I know for sure that it's going to touch women around the world. Thank you so much.

[00:39:44] My pleasure. Thank you.

[00:39:46] Thank you for joining us. Be sure to subscribe to this podcast and leave us a review if you love this episode, follow Christy on Instagram and LinkedIn.

[00:39:56] And don't forget to get her free gift by texting "Changenow" all one word. Again, "Changenow" to 66866. Until next time go out and win bigger.